Current Weight: 168.8 lbs.
Last Thursday, after another 10 hours of drudgery within the catacombs of the Unnamed Defense Contractor, I set off to forage for some new blog fodder food.
We're closing in on the three-year anniversary of this lightly-read blog and I can't determine what's sadder: (1) my genuine enthusiasm for the latest greasy fat bomb (2) the fact that I couldn't decide what I wanted to try or (3) coming to the realization that I've eaten everything that could be considered "new" and that the American fast food industry can't seem to keep up with me.
I hit up the ATM and then doubled back past a couple of famous chains just to see if their respective window signs teased the debut of something I could review. I've already eaten your Teriyaki Burger, Carl's Jr. And, I don't care how "XT: X-tra Thick" your Steakhouse Burger is, Burger King. I've already eaten the original and don't desire more mediocrity. In fact, I…wait a minute. "Mediocrity"? "Meaty-ocrity?!" Still got it!
That left me with Jack in the Box. They've responded to the world's worst economic collapse since The Great Depression with a cycle of $3.99 value meals centered around the recycling of temporary menu items. For instance, last month, JitB brought back the Bonus Jack. This month, it's the return of the REALLY Big Chicken Sandwich.
Now, I can't say I know a whole lot about "REALLY big". Mrs. Bootleg is 4'8". My arms and legs look like pipe cleaners covered in peanut butter. My chest is clinically concave. I am, however, the proud owner of an enormous head. Hat size: 7 ¾. Other kids mocked my profile with taunts of "E.T.". Later, I was compared to former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson – which, by the way, hurt a helluva lot more than the Extra-Terrestrial insults.
All of this is my long-winded way of saying: your chicken sandwich can't hold a candle to my cranium, Jack. You would think that two grade-school lunch room quality chicken fillets, two slices of processed cheese food, bacon, lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise on a toasted bun would be eight shades of "hooray", but this ends up as barely more than a "meh".
The frozen perfect-circle of breaded (mostly) chicken is the same stuff my kid's Dino-Bites chicken nuggets are made of. There's a reason these things aren't marketed to grown folk. All of the toppings stack nicely, I suppose, but can't cover up the cardboard taste of the farm animal blend within. And, when mayonnaise AND bacon can't get'cha to a 2.5, JitB, you've got bigger problems than I can solve.
Or, should I say "REALLY bigger problems"? Eh?!
Still got it.
Grade: 1.5 (out of 5) Calories: 900 Fat: 56g