2009 NFL Pickery - Week #9

Last Week:
Joe: 9-4
Tom: 9-4
Aaron 8-5

Season to Date:
Joe: 78-38
Tom: 75-41
Aaron: 73-43

Green Bay at Tampa Bay

Aaron: So, wait. This is gonna be like Star Wars, right? Aaron Rodgers is Luke Skywalker, Brett Favre is Darth Vader, and after a return trip to Dagobah (Tampa Bay), Rodgers will come back and chop off Favre's hand in the playoffs. Right? Please? Pick: Green Bay

Joe: This scenario only works if Han Solo, Leia, and Chewie were really, really terrible offensive linemen. Pick: Green Bay


Arizona at Chicago

Aaron: The first of many games this week that I'll be picking with my patented, occasionally correct "who's the home team" strategy. "Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time..." Pick: Chicago

Joe: Okay, 1) I knew -- KNEW -- I should've picked Arizona to get upset last week. They're not a bad team, but not to be trusted either. Which cuts both ways -- they'll also win when you think they won't. 2) Unseasonably warm in Chicago today. Pick: Arizona


Kansas City at Jacksonville

Aaron: With all due respect to the ladies, "You got beat by Vince Young" is the new "You got beat by a girl". Hang your heads, Jaguars. Hang your heads. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: I still have zero confidence picking Jags games. And they're certainly capable of making the KC offense look way better than they are. Oh, shit. I can feel it happening. I'm talking myself into it. Saaaaaave meeeeee, Jeeeeebuuuuuus! Pick: Kansas City


Miami at New England

Aaron: Why do so many prognosticators seem use the words "they match up well" for the Dolphins regardless who they're playing from week to week? In seven games, Miami's beaten the Jets (twice) and the Bills (who hasn't?) They match up well with those two teams. Two. That's it. Pick: New England

Joe: I love how we've ended up in a universe where you hate the Dolphins more than I do. Having grown up in the era of Crybaby Dan Marino and Jerky Grandpa Don Shula, I never thought it possible. Pick: New England


Washington at Atlanta

Aaron: My sincere thanks to the Falcons for a textbook "backdoor" cover against the Saints last week that I laid real money on...and won! I only need to make another $205 this year to break even on my online gambling account for 2009! Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Always a good sign when there's public infighting among your coach, players, owner, AND alumni. All that's left is for Doug Williams and Jay Schroeder to pick sides and it is ON. Pick: Atlanta


Baltimore at Cincinnati

Aaron: The next two weeks for Cincy: Ravens, Steelers. The next three weeks after that: Raiders, Browns, Lions. The Bengals just might win 10 games this year. Rooting for them only serves to keep Chad Ochosambo on the fringes of relevance, kids. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: OCHO! OCHO! OCHO! (Sadly, I do think the Ravens make enough adjustments to nip the Bengals this week.) Pick: Baltimore


Houston at Indianapolis

Aaron: Where did this misconception come from that the Texans "always play the Colts hard"? Houston's 1-13 lifetime against Indy and hasn't' beaten them since 2006. Do, like, four close defeats equal one eventual win at some indeterminate future date? Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: You know, I had the same observation. Is this "Texans play though" impression coming from that Sage Rosenfels game last season? I really, really hope not, sports media. Pick: Indianapolis


Carolina at New Orleans

Aaron: Dude I work with is a hee-YUGE Saints fan. But, after a lifetime of heartbreak, he won't wholly commit to this undefeated Saints team. I predict he'll come around just in time to see the 13-3 Saints get bounced in the 2nd round of the playoffs. Shhh...that's what I'm rootin' for. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Good for the Saints the Panthers got all that pesky winning out of their systems last week. New Orleans will get their first lost eventually, but not this week. Pick: New Orleans


Detroit at Seattle
Aaron: After last week's loss to the lowly Rams, I think it's time to cordon off Detroit from the rest of the country and wait for Snake Plissken to try'n escape or something. What? Oh, is their current plan is working? Pick: Seattle

Joe: Fun fact: Seattle's only two wins this season were by scores of 28-0 (over the Rams) and 41-0 (over the Jags). So, good news, Lions! Score just once and you'll win! Pick: Seattle


San Diego at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: I can't be bothered to check the forecast, but if the conditions are favorable for Philip Rivers to throw the ball with impunity...ah, screw it, I'm five games behind Joe. I'm checking the conditions, hang on. Sunny and 64 degrees? Against the Giants' secondary?! It's clobberin' time. Pick: San Diego

Joe: This is basically two of the same team, right? Neither is as good as the media wants them to be when they're winning. The sky could not be falling harder when they're winning. Both hated by Cam for irrational reasons. Pick: NY Giants


Tennessee at San Francisco

Aaron: To paraphrase m'man Marsellus Wallace - a character from a little-seen 15-year-old indie movie - "I'm pretty f***ing far from taking Vince Young on the road". Good movie. Y'all should rent it. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I still don't see how Tennessee's fortunes lie in any way with Vince Young. But I still like the Niners at home. Pick: San Francisco


Dallas at Philadelphia

Aaron: The stench from the Eagles' epic bed-crapping in Oakland is still pretty ripe. It'll be a few more weeks before Donovan McNabb lets his guard down against an inferior opponent, again. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: It's too bad; I was enjoying the Dallas resurgence and the added layer of ridiculousness it added to the Roy Williams breakdown. Pick: Philadelphia


Pittsburgh at Denver

Aaron: My Monday Night plans include watching this game, celebrating my 7th wedding anniversary and heading down to Mission Valley for the Bill Simmons book signing appearance. I am kidding about one of these things. Pick: Denver

Joe: It's too bad, because I'm sure Bill would have fresh and trenchant observations on the subject of marriage. Pick: Pittsburgh


Confidence Pickin' (with current scores):

Joe (30): NINERS (-4) over Titans; Packers (-9.5) over BUCS; FALCONS (-10) over Washington

Aaron (25): NINERS (-4) over Titans; FALCONS (-10) over Redskins; Packers (-9.5) over BUCS

Tom (19!): EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys; Titans (+4) over NINERS; Packers (-9.5) over BUCS

The New & Improved Sirius XM Commute

During my last few months on the full-time music beat at Machine Gun Funk, I began an infrequent piece called "The XM Commute". Every morning, after dropping Jalen off at school, it's just me and my satellite radio. Roughly six-and-a-half miles of surface streets and stoplights allow me the opportunity to hear at least three songs in their entirety.

After a three-year absence, I thought it time to bring back the "Commute" since (1) it's convenient blog fodder; (2) it should kinda-sorta satisfy those of you who want me to do more music stuff and (3) I'll take "infrequent" over "month-long baseball feature" any day of the week and twice on Fat Tuesday.

Sirius XM Channel: "Backspin" (Old school hip hop)

Some links may be NSFW, so click with caution…

Pharoahe Monch – Simon Says: Wow. I hadn't heard this cut for awhile. I remember loving it when it dropped ten years ago, but save for the Godzilla-lifted beat it's surprisingly, retroactively awful. Pharoahe's one of those acts whose skills were inversely proportional to the strength of the attempts to commercialize him (see also: Budden, Joe). I can't be mad at him, though. He's still the same artist who dropped one of my favorite collabos of the decade.

Father MC – Everything's Gonna Be Alright: Lord, how I miss the early 1990s. Y'see, kids, back then we paid full price for rap albums with only ten tracks while the accompanying music videos could feature women in bandanas and shirtless dudes in suspenders. This one fits the 1992 rap template to a "T" with its obligatory harmonizing (Jodeci! All of them!) and forgettable party lyrics that are overwhelmed by the familiar sampling. Nearly 20 years later, no one remembers that Father MC indirectly brought Sean "Diddy" Combs and Mary J. Blige into the limelight. Or, we're still trying to forget.

Big Daddy Kane – RAW: This was the 1988 remix of his 12-inch version from a year earlier. Kane's one of those acts who gets much love as a hip hop pioneer of sorts, but still might be underrated to a degree. He stood out amongst the genre's first Golden Age (1986-1988); he inexplicably assisted Patti LaBelle during her 15-minute renaissance in 1991; he killed it on one of my all time favorite unreleased Tupac tracks. And, did y'all see Posse? Kane's death scene moved me like no other…until Tyra Banks' unintentionally hilarious final moments in Higher Learning.

Forcible Nasal Penetration

March 2009 – May 2009 – August 2009

My five-year-old son Jalen and I were watching TV a few weeks ago when this odd spot for Symbicort – coincidentally, one of my assorted asthma medications – aired. This led to the greatest conversation I'll ever have with my son.

Me: That's the medicine that I use, J. I need it because I have asthma.

Jalen: [exasperated] I know! You ALWAYS tell us you have asthma.

Mrs. Bootleg nearly peed her panties when she heard that. My son's insensitive retort confirmed, once and for all, that everyone I know is sick n' tired of my asthma-infused anecdotes. My friends and family are ready for me to move on, it would seem.

Never. The events of 5/11 are too fresh in my mind to ever forget. Besides, yesterday's medical escapade was only tangentially related to my asthma, so enjoy the free read and quit complaining, Jalen!

7:30 AM - In one of the most surreal moments of my life, I'm actually reviewing old TBG posts and taking notes so that I'm prepared to discuss my recent medical history in detail with the ENT specialist. According to, uhh…myself, I asked my primary care physician for referral to an ENT way back in January 2009. He insisted that I needed a pulmonary specialist, instead. Ten months later, I had my ENT referral. How much longer will the medical industry's "jerk around their clientele at an insane mark-up" approach be legal? And, when will some local Prostitution Union sue on the grounds of "gimmick infringement"?

10:00 AM - I arrive at the health care facility 15 minutes early for my appointment. I attempt to check-in, but end up stuck behind an angry old lady who's complaining to the receptionist. Seems her appointment time was "15 minutes ago". Seems no one has bothered to tell her that the doctor was running late. And, when the receptionist asked which doctor she was there to see…seems her and I are seeing the same guy.

10:01 AM - We've been told the doctor is running 30 minutes behind schedule. Other than African-American hair stylists, who falls 30 minutes behind before lunchtime? Suddenly, however, I remember that my cell phone has full internet capabilities. The next 45 minutes should fly right by.

10:02 AM - Suddenly, I remember that no bars = no coverage = no internet.

10:45 AM - With the help of an old Entertainment Weekly - I'm very disappointed in you, David Letterman – enough time is killed to get me inside to see the doctor. I go over the major talking points in my head, fully expecting to be rushed right out of the room so that the doctor can keep his two-hour, three martini lunch get back on schedule.

10:50 AM - The doctor shows me my CAT scan. With the combined technology of freeze-frame and (possibly) strobe lights, I get a look – segment by segment – at my various sinus paths. My favorite medical revelation: "See these open areas in front, Aaron? They're supposed to be filled with air. In your case, they're completely filled with soft tissue and mucus." Even my diseases are more thorough at their jobs than me.

10:55 AM - The doctor asks if he can take a look inside my nose. I idiotically assumed there would only be some head-tilting and a flashlight involved. I do my part by nailing the head-tilt – not too far back, but far enough to see up in there. The doctor then says, "Let's numb you up." Wait, wha…? spissht…spissht… Both of my nostrils were sprayed with a moderate anesthetic.

10:57 AM - Now, I don't know how much time most of my doctor's patients need for the numbness to commence, but it's safe to say I needed more than 120 seconds. The doctor pulls out a thin metal rod with a teeny little light at the end and shoves it up my nose. WAY up my nose. And…I can feel it. WAY feel it. Like, under my skin in the space between my eyes, at the bottom of my forehead and over my eyes. "Excruciating" doesn't begin to describe it. Here's a short film that sums up the experience.

11:00 AM - As the anesthetic drips from my nose down the back of my throat, the numbness finally kicks in big time – after the doctor is out of my nose, naturally. For a few minutes, I couldn't talk as the pins n' needles sensation spread into my esophagus. This was unlike anything I've ever experienced. The doctor must've picked up on my freaked-out expression subtle cues of concern and offered me some water…

11:00 AM - …which I promptly gagged right back up. "That happens sometimes", the doctor says after it happened.

11:05 AM - With my gift of gab returned to me, the doctor and I agree to one last-ditch attempt to heal my sinuses with steroids. My old friend prednisone didn't work when I was on it six months ago, but the next step would be surgery.

And, I'm really in no hurry to find out what's MORE invasive than the Total Recall moment I'd just went through.

The Tee-Ball Chronicles #10: Photo Day

One of the other tee-ball moms took this unofficial team picture as the professional photographer (douchebag ponytail – check, unintelligible accent – check) impatiently snapped away.

I love this pic.

I love this team.

After pictures, the A's pounded the Pirates. During the game, the other team's coaches made passive-aggressive accusations that some of my kids were older than the five-year-old limit.

Ringers. In a tee-ball league comprised of four and five-year-olds. I've never been more proud.

Just remember, 20 years ago another A's team clubbed every opponent placed in front of them on their way to a World Series championship. They were accused of chemical tomfoolery and played under a manager who – it's been alleged – looked the other way.

The 1989 A's were exonerated (I think…not really sure, but I think they were) and it's my fervent hope that their 2009 tee-ball doppelgangers follow the same righteous path.

10 Thoughts: Halloween 2009

Jalen went as an astronaut this year. His costume ranks as a solid second place behind 2006's Green Lantern (he will never, ever top that one) and just ahead of 2007's firefighter (unintentionally timely, insanely well-received).

At 5:38 AM on Halloween morning, Jalen frantically woke me up, repeating "It's Halloween! It's Halloween! It's Halloween!" over and over. In that moment, as Mrs. Bootleg pretended to be asleep and oblivious to J's exclamations, I realized why so many African-American fathers abandon their families. Oh, don't look at me that way. It was five thirty-eight in the morning! Some of you were JUST going to bed!

Stately Bootleg Manor sits on a lonely cul-de-sac and a few hundred yards from a moderately-trafficked thoroughfare. Translation: we don't live in a "neighborhood", as much as we live on a spoon-shaped street with some townhomes and apartments. You know those less fortunate minority families that drive to someone else's neighborhood for trick-or-treating? Well, now you know another.

We met up with the family of one of J's best friends. As The BootlegMobile pulled up to their house, we were greeted by the little boy's aunt who was dressed up as Sarah Palin. Twelve months too late? Perhaps. But, her skirt n' jacket combo was accessorized with a "Miss Alaska" sash and authentic – albeit unloaded – shotgun. She was entrusted with handing out candy to the kiddies. Hey, it was unloaded. She told us so.

The father of J's friend suggested we make the 'Ween less hallow by bringing along two super-sized stadium souvenir cups full of beer. As the holder of a top secret government clearance, so much as a misdemeanor could cost me my clearance and – subsequently – my livelihood. And, you can bet your a** that Mrs. Bootleg is always the first one to nag me about responsibili… Well, I assume she would be nagging me if she hadn't just left the house with a sports bottle filled with frozen daiquiri in one hand and Jalen's hand in the other.

Whatever San Diego may aesthetically lack when compared to the autumnal season in other parts of the country, we more than made up for as the outdoor temperature at sundown was 70 degrees. This also kept the assorted whore costumes from being covered up with coats. Keep this in mind if you're ever trying to figure out the best time to visit the west coast, y'all.

Jalen dutifully rang doorbells, accepted candy and – on several embarrassing occasions – walked right inside people's houses. None of us could figure out why until he started providing real-time updates from the living rooms that were watching the World Series. "The Yankees have zero and the Phillies have three!" And, for those wondering, I did scold the boy: "Jalen, the proper form is to first read off the score of the team that's winning."

As stated, J went as an astronaut. This led to several people fishing through their giant bowls of miniature candy to hand him a fistful of Milky Way. Each time, it was accompanied by some variation of, "Since you're an astronaut…" Cute the first two times, downright creepy by the fifth or sixth.

OK…can anyone pinpoint when the handout of full-sized candy bars began occurring in earnest? This was inconceivable when I was a kid. Back then, the Halloween highlight was hitting up the house that handed out quarters. You had an hour of Ms. Pac-Man if you went back often enough.

Lowlight of the evening: We passed a "haunted house" set-up towards the end of the night. Our adult accompaniment had warned us that the homeowners are demented sickos who derive genuine pleasure from scaring small children. Sure enough, we were within a few hundred feet when one of 'em came running out of the house in full-on "Jason" get-up with a prop chainsaw that sounded like a real chainsaw. The freaked-out screams from the kids he passed was genuinely disturbing. Thankfully, he ran in the opposite direction from us, so J didn't see a thing.

Thankfully for "Jason", that is. Or, as one, umm…unnamed parent in our group declared:

"If he had come near MY son, I'd have [expletive] killed him."

Best. Halloween. Ever.

2009 NFL Pickery - Week #8

Last Week:
Joe: 9-4
Aaron: 8-5
Tom: 8-5

Season to Date:
Joe: 69-34
Tom: 66-37
Aaron: 65-38


Denver at Baltimore

Aaron: Here's the deal - instead of claiming that THIS is the week the Broncos are "exposed" (as I've done once - maybe twice - this season), I'll just say they're going to lose. It happens. They're still good. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I said it two weeks ago, if Denver wins (they did), they'll be last year's Titans. I'll stick with that. Pick: Denver

Houston at Buffalo

Aaron: The Texans should put as much on the board as they can. After Sunday, two of their next three games are against the Colts. This week will be the equivalent of taking on Glass Joe before signing on to fight 1987 Mike Tyson. Pick: Houston

Joe: Silly Cam'ron. Glass Joe wasn't within three fights of Tyson. For shame. Pick: Piston Honda Houston

Cleveland at Chicago

Aaron: G'head and start that oft-predicted Super Bowl run whenever you're ready, Bears. We'll just ignore your upcoming schedule (two vs. Vikings; at Ravens) and keep swallowing that optimism from September. Pick: Chicago

Joe: The Browns continue their tour through America's sausage-iest cities. Unsurprisingly, Cleveland is fattening these teams up. Pick: Chicago

St. Louis at Detroit

Aaron: GAAH! Not since Hiroshima, has a city been...etc. Pick: Detroit

Joe: TWO wins this season? Pace yourselves, Lions. Pick: Detroit

Miami at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: I like a pissed off and embarrassed Dolphins team to do bad, bad things to Mark Sanchez in a game where the elements aren't expected to be a factor. Pick: Miami

Joe: These teams are too evenly-matched for there to be a season sweep. Also, glad to know that the universe has righted its axis and football fans can hate Mark Sanchez for being pretty throwing interceptions. Pick: NY Jets

San Francisco at Indianapolis

Aaron: So, wait...is this a trap game? The Colts play Houston next week - an in-division foe who always gives 'em fits. Or is the Houston game a trap game, since Indy has the Patriots on 11/15? Can we get a ruling on this? Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: This is a mismatch, Cam. A mismatch. Pick: Indianapolis

Seattle at Dallas

Aaron: How has Dallas WR Roy Williams gotten a pass from the national media despite being a me-first prima donna who half-asses it each and every time the ball's not thrown his way and 50% of the time when it is? If he were black...wait, what? Pick: Dallas

Joe: Wait, so you're saying Roy Williams is a wide receiver? In other news, Dallas seemed like a completely different team last week. At least on defense. Those guys wanted to hurt some people, each and every play. Keep it up and they might be able to save Wade Phillips's job! Uh...congratulations? Pick: Dallas

N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia

Aaron: Hey, they're playing the same day as Game 4 of the World Series between the New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies! Why hasn't the national media picked up on this amusing coincidence? Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I can't expect a West Coaster like you to appreciate how important this convergence of space-time is. Pick: Philadelphia

Jacksonville at Tennessee

Aaron: Watching Titans coach Jeff Fisher look into the cameras and declare that the decision to start Vince Young was made by anyone other than ownership made for compelling TV. All that was missing were proclamations by Fisher that his captors were treating him well and America is the great satan. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Why even bother picking Jags games when I'm always wrong? I'm halfway to picking the Houston Oilers. Pick: Tennessee

Oakland at San Diego

Aaron: Let's see...on the one hand, the Raiders nearly beat San Diego in Week #1. On the other hand, the word "quit" was used one million times to describe Oakland's performance in their last two losses. Quite the prognostication conundrum, this one. Pick: San Diego

Joe: That plus the fact that the last time you picked a terrible team to beat San Diego based only on your ugly hatred it didn't turn out well for you. Also that. Pick: San Diego

Minnesota at Green Bay

Aaron: Aaaand, thanks to the NFL's rarely-if-ever bitched about broadcast policies, San Diego won't be getting this game on Sunday. Doesn't the league realize my only alternative is to spend time with my family? This is on your hands, commissioner. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Clearly the universe is against us Brett Favre nonbelievers. Look for him to throw six touchdowns and make the Lambeau grass turn purple with a wave of his crease-less hands. Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at Arizona

Aaron: There's something to be said for a team that's so damn willing to cling to the anchor that is Jake Delhomme. Enjoy the cold, briny deep, Panthers. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Part of me thinks this is one of those logic-defying games where we all remember the Cards can't be trusted. But I can't pick Carolina on the road. Pick: Arizona

Atlanta at New Orleans

Aaron: I love how the media painted last week's incredible Saints comeback as "Drew 'Jeter' Brees willed his team to victory". Sooner or later, the Saints are going to be on the wrong end of a shootout. Just not this week. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I was wondering how long it would take people to start hating Brees for being too good. "Jeter" indeed. Pick: New Orleans

Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)

Joe (29): COLTS (-12.5) over Niners; Browns (+13) over BEARS; Panthers (+10) over CARDINALS

Aaron (22): COLTS (-12.5) over Niners; BEARS (-13) over Browns; Falcons (+11) over SAINTS

Tom (18): COLTS (-11) over Niners; SAINTS (-11) over Falcons; CARDINALS (-9) over Panthers

"O, Birthday Boy!"

It's no secret: American/Canadian relations have been strained over the years.





And, if it's not my fellow countrymen booing the Canadian National Anthem, then it's Calgary's favorite son dissing the United States:





In the summer of 2006, That Bootleg Family spent a week in Vancouver. Next summer, we're going back for another week. I love that place: Ketchup Lay's potato chips, the ubiquitous little Maple Leaf imbedded inside distinctly American Logos, Sportscentre and – OMG – these guys!

Speaking of which, since I began this little anonymous internet gig, I've been fortunate enough to pick up readers from north of border. And, one of them has a birthday today!

So, to m'man Scott from Vancouver – with love from your wife – happy birthday from the entire Bootleg Family. I hope the poutine was plentiful. I wanted to get this up sooner, but today we scheduled "family portrait day" and Mrs. Bootleg nearly killed…

Nah, I'll save the write-up for later. Consider it a belated birthday gift.

(Spoiler Alert: Everyone survived the photo shoot.)