That Bootleg Guy

TBG TV: FOX's Animation Domination – 12/13/2009

2009-12-15T22:01:00.000-08:00

Sunday's Rankings (5-3-2-1 scoring)

(1) The Cleveland Show ("A Cleveland Brown Christmas") - First things first: the first nine episodes have been wildly uneven as this show still isn't sure what it wants to be. I would humbly suggest that it be…this. A 22-minute tour-de-force of riotously raunchy comedy, I watched it twice just so I could expose Mrs. Bootleg to lines like "…bushy in the front" and Rallo's "letter to Santa". The writers have aped the entire Family Guy formula (loosely tied mini-scenes and sequences in place of a real plot) but, damned if it didn't all click this week. And, the reindeer running gag – especially the climactic Santa scene – killed me.

(2) The Simpsons ("O Brother, Where Bart Thou?") - Those of you who abandoned this show over the past decade – and, really, I can't say I blame you – should hunt this episode down. Bart's dream sequence in which he longed for a baby brother – featuring The Smothers Brothers, The Smith Brothers (of ancient cough drop fame), The Super Mario Brothers and Peyton, Eli AND Cooper Manning was off-the-charts awesome. A terrific, heartfelt outing that indirectly highlighted the Lisa/Maggie sisterly dynamic, it could've claimed the top spot if it hadn't blatantly lifted Homer and Marge's "complicated sex" sequence from this.

(3) Family Guy ("Business Guy") - Loved some of the more subversive stuff (the "Lacey Chabert" line and the Billy Joel goof), but hated the unfunny low-hanging fruit (jokes/riffs on Bill Cosby and Scooby-Doo). And, isn't FOX's House already an unintentional parody of itself? Exhuming Hugh Laurie for a voiceover – and nonexistent laughs at his expense – didn't make much sense.

(4) American Dad! ("Rapture's Delight") - Yeah…see, here's the thing: With rare exception, most of these attempts to tweak the nose of organized religion don't work. The Simpsons found the right formula a few years ago with one or two episodes filled with twisted renditions of well-known Stories from the Bible ™. This episode's whole Mad Max meets Christ's second coming simply didn't do it for me – with the SOLE exception of the Antichrist/Riddler. HEE-larious.

MVP: Even though I made the mistake of watching this episode with Mrs. Bootleg, Bart Simpson's push for a kid brother was really well done. I could feel my wife making mental notes in preparation for another "why our son needs a sibling" debate.

Quote of the Night: "God pays twice as much attention on Christmas. Like the media whenever a white kid disappears." – Stan Smith (American Dad!)

Current Standings

The Cleveland Show – 29
The Simpsons – 27
American Dad! – 21
Family Guy – 21

Five Rules for Your Christmas Cards

2009-12-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in the dining room of Stately Bootleg Manor -- home with a sick Jalen as he reasserts his position as "world's worst patient" -- non-violent children's programming is babysitting the boy, while I fish around for a Monday blog topic.

Our local PBS affiliate is airing Curious George. I've been meaning to write up reviews of J's preferred cartoons for years. The unintentional comedy is off the charts for my son's reactions to shows like Little Bill ("He looks like me!") and Handy Manny ("Why does he ALWAYS speak Spanish?!") I'll get around to it.

Our local FOX station is currently running their version of the morning news featuring resident weather-bunny, Chrissy Russo. Her choice of outfit for the morning is certainly TBG-worthy, but I already wrote about her earlier this year.

I turn my head from the right -- away from the TV hanging on our wall -- to the left and towards the Christmas cards hanging on one of our other walls. Hey, there's an idea! (And, for those of you who've asked, THAT'S how I come up with most of my blog topics. Now you know how the lightly-read sausage is made.)

With less than two weeks until Christmas, I can't wait another day. Here are five unsolicited suggestions for those of you who still haven't gotten around to sending out Christmas cards.

The Christmas Letter: "Dear friends of the Simpsons family. We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on." Near as I can tell, that was the last entertaining Christmas letter ever written. If you insist, though, I respectfully request you omit the phrases "grateful to be employed" and "in THIS economy" from this year's self-serving opus. If you're looking for tired 2009 clichés, just make this the front of your Christmas card and move on.

The Teenage Daughter(s) Card: Those of you with young daughters don't need me to reinforce this fact -- your girls will eventually grow up. Feature them on your Christmas cards at your own risk. A few years ago, my old boss sent us a card that featured his two girls (17 and 19-years-old, at the time) striking a playfully contrived pose in their kitchen. One of the girls was licking frosting off a wooden spoon, with the other leaning over to put cookies in the oven. Otherwise harmless, innocuous cards like this WILL find their way into the wrong hands which, in most cases, is at least 80% of your Christmas card list.

The Card that Introduces Your New Spouse: I've got a friend whom I've known for nearly 20 years. He married a phenomenal woman -- smart, supportive, funny and attractive. Unfortunately, we fell out of contact with this couple. They got new jobs, moved to the Bay Area and -- before you knew it -- we became those friends that only communicate via Christmas cards. Last week, I received their "family" card. In the span of 365 days, my friend has apparently divorced and remarried as his once-striking wife has been replaced by...well, someone that's not her. I mean, is REALLY not her (and, we'll leave it at that). Can we all agree that the responsibility for passing along new spousal information is on the man/woman with the new spouse? Christmas cards can't double as marriage announcements.

The Card Signed by Your Pet: Stop it. I'll grudgingly accept your Christmas card's insincere holiday wishes from the six-month-old child who cries whenever he/she is in the vicinity of the only African-American it knows. (And, believe me, those infant tears always cut me like a knife.) But, your cat and dog's name don't belong at the bottom of a Christmas card. On December 25, they'll be eating from the same can of entrails and licking themselves in the same nether regions as every other day of the year.

Christmas Card Politics: Late last week, word began circulating around the offices of the Unnamed Defense Contractor that the Bootleg Family Christmas card had begun appearing in the mailboxes of some of my co-workers. "Some" being the operative word. Mrs. Bootleg orders a finite amount of cards -- usually between 75-80 -- and unless someone has died or failed to send us a forwarding address, once you're on our Xmas card list it's impossible to come off -- or put new names on. This means that some of my relatively-new co-workers in the office won't be receiving a card from us. Nothing personal. This didn't stop two of my co-workers from approaching me directly and asking why I hadn't sent Christmas cards to them.

Turns out "Because my wife doesn't like you" didn't make things any less awkward.

2009 NFL Pickery - Week #14

2009-12-13T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last Week:

Tom: 11-5
Joe: 11-5
Aaron: 9-7

Season to Date:

Tom: 129-63
Joe: 128-64
Aaron: 122-70

Pittsburgh at Cleveland

Aaron: Thursday's forecast in Cleveland calls for snow, high winds and temps in the teens. A rare blackout AND whiteout for those of us who don't get the NFL Network. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Cleveland would seem to be the ideal venue for Pittsburgh to get well. But with that forecast you've so helpfully provided, Cam, I'd be awfully interested in Cleveland plus a point spread. Not enough to make a contrarian pick here a good idea, though. Pick: Pittsburgh

Green Bay at Chicago

Aaron: The sure-to-be-lousy conditions has me thinking the Bears could keep it close enough to win. Then, again, the Bears are even worse than the expected weather. Pick: Green Bay

Joe Reid: Actually, so many Murphy's Law type principles say the Bears could indeed win here. Road games within the division are upset-magnets, the Bears are now settling into "spoiler" mode for the rest of the season, and the Packers aren't quite good enough to be 9-4 yet. Pick: Chicago

New Orleans at Atlanta

Aaron: Another home 'dog that's poised to put up a fight. I'd pick the Falcons, too, if only their offense were 100% and the defense was allowed to use brass knucks and steel chairs. Pick: New Orleans

Joe Reid: The Falcons will be lucky to field a whole team come the end of this season. Pick: New Orleans

Detroit at Baltimore

Aaron: Baltimore had "The Wire" and "Homicide". Detroit had "Mr. Mom" and Gung Ho". Easy call here. Pick: Baltimore

Joe Reid: Let's all enjoy Daunte Culpepper for a week, before he wanders off into the cornfield to see where Shoeless Joe and the other guys go. Pick: Baltimore

Denver at Indianapolis

Aaron: With regards to squeaky clean sports icons, who are we left with? Peyton Manning and Derek Jeter? Who'll be Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year" in 2010? Who?! Pick: Indianapolis

Joe Reid: Your omission of 4-time Lady Byng Trophy-winner Pavel Datsyuk sickens me. Pick: Indianapolis

Seattle at Houston

Aaron: The Matt Schaub backlash amuses me. Do his critics remember that Schaub was the back-up to Mike Vick - 1/3 quarterback, 2/3 novelty act - in Atlanta? Pick: Houston

Joe Reid: Houston's commitment to near-.500 seasons year after year is positively Buffalo-esque. Pick: Houston

N.Y. Jets at Tampa Bay

Aaron: This won't amuse me as much as the way 2008 ended for the Jets, but it'll do. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe Reid: Watching Kellen Clemens last week was like watching a ten-year-old girl sitting on her dad's lap in the car as he "lets her drive." Still, you figure that, given a week, the Jets can successfully plan to run all over the Bucs. Pick: NY Jets

Carolina at New England

Aaron: Can't get enough of the talking heads on ESPNESN (see what I did there?) proclaiming that the Pats "might be struggling", but "they're STILL in first place and STILL going to the playoffs". That makes it all better. Pick: New England

Joe Reid: If they win this week, count on Mark Schlereth chastising sports fans for counting the Pats out. YEAH! Pick: New England

Miami at Jacksonville

Aaron: As the tears streamed down Tim Tebow's face last weekend, I officially stopped caring about football in Florida for the season. I got what I wanted. Pick: Miami

Joe Reid: Here's how you can tell I haven't followed college football closely enough in the last four years: I have NO IDEA why everybody hates Tim Tebow. I mean, beyond all the winning. And I'm too embarrassed to ask. Pick: Miami

Buffalo at Kansas City

Aaron: Considering the current direction of both teams, I think it's safe to say the Chiefs "upset" of the Steelers three weeks ago didn't mean much. Pick: Buffalo

Joe Reid: Stupid Bills are on an upswing. But on the road, in Kansas City, has historically been their Waterloo. Those early-'90s blowout losses made gods of Christian Okoye and Barry Word, for shit's sake. Pick: Kansas City

Cincinnati at Minnesota

Aaron: With 14 weeks of hindsight, check the Bengals schedule and tell me how many very good teams they've beaten on their way to 9-3. Green Bay? Baltimore (twice)? None? Pick: Minnesota

Joe Reid: Not to continue to stick up for the Bengals, because I too think they're one-and-done in the playoffs, but by these standards (Green Bay is 8-4,
Baltimore 6-6), how many teams would count as "very good"? Four? Ruling out anyone who hasn't beaten the Colts or Saints or Vikes or the Chargers leaves a shallow pool indeed. Pick: Minnesota

St. Louis at Tennessee

Aaron: If there's any spillover from the current Vince Young overcompensatory lovefest, please forward it to Titans' RB Chris Johnson. He's been...pretty OK this season. Pick: Tennessee

Joe Reid: It's gonna be SUPER pretty OK after this week. Pick: Tennessee

Washington at Oakland

Aaron: 23-3, 38-0 and 24-7...those were the scores the following week after each of the Raiders' three wins this season. Pick: Washington

Joe Reid: Hey, gettin' closer! Pick: Oakland

San Diego at Dallas

Aaron: Don't pick Dallas in December, don't pick San Diego in January. They should print t-shirts with that on it. Pick: San Diego

Joe Reid: Chargers win this game in San Diego, not underneath the withering glare of Big Brother Scoreboard. Pick: Dallas

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: A Giants win could leave the NFC East with three 8-5 teams. Which least flawed team will make the playoffs and lose in the first round? Only three more weeks to find out! Pick: NY Giants

Joe Reid: Good news, Philly fans! Brian Westbrook is close to returning to the field and ending his career any week now! Y'all can finish what you started with Eric Lindros. Pick: Philadelphia

Arizona at San Francisco

Aaron: I hope the Cards are wearing those snazzy all-red uniforms. I haven't gouged my own eyes out in awhile. Pick: Arizona

Joe Reid: Ooh, symmetry. This is another road game within the division, where the better team isn't quite good enough to go 9-4. And yet...can't do it. Pick: Arizona

Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)

Joe (33): COLTS (-7) over Broncos; Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS; Panthers (+13) over PATRIOTS

Aaron (31): Redskins (-1) over RAIDERS; Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS; VIKINGS (-6.5) over Bengals

Tom (25): Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS; Bengals (+6.5) over VIKINGS; Jets (-4.5) over BUCS

TBG's Throwback: A Low Down Dirty Shame

2009-12-09T23:35:00.000-08:00

During a three-week span in the fall of 1994, I was dumped by the same girl twice. After the first break-up, we kinda-sorta got back together. We went to see A Low Down Dirty Shame and, shortly thereafter, the second break-up occurred. Coincidence?

No f*****g way.

Now, this will come as a shock to those of you too young to remember, but there was a time when the Wayans surname was synonymous with cutting edge entertainment. FOX debuted the raucous sketch comedy In Living Color in 1990 and for a few years, Keenan Ivory Wayans was making money and winning Emmys.

Wayans walked away from the show in 1992 over numerous disputes with the network. I've often referred to the late '80s/early '90s as the entertainment industry's "Last Black Renaissance" and with its collapse, several African-American performers ended up overplaying their hand on vanity projects – relying heavily on loyalty from a ~~white~~ crossover audience that had already moved on.

0:01 - Aaaaaand, we're off n' running with our first "Whatever Happened To" of the evening – the "walking off into the sunset" Caravan Pictures intro. I've always thought this music would be more appropriate to play over it.

0:01 - With the opening credits rolling, Shame (Wayans) flips through newspaper clippings of his accolades AND the failure that would kill his career as a police officer. Two things: (1) there's a shot of Shame looking at a picture of him posing with former Los Angeles mayor Tom Bradley. If there's another Negro that went from "nationally recognizable" to "anonymous" faster than the late Bradley, I'd like to meet him. (2) Who saves clippings of their highly-publicized f***-ups?

0:03 - Jada Pinkett – fresh off the extremely preachy last three seasons of A Different World - plays "Peaches", Shame's sassy (natch) sidekick. She's working undercover as a hotel housekeeper, which gives the film's writer/director (Wayans) a chance to drop in that urban comedy staple – the foul bowel movement. Never gets old, Black filmmakers…never gets old.

0:04 - Shame breaks up an illegal jewel ring. Guns blaze and a room full of bad guys can't hit one Black man hiding behind a wet bar. Meanwhile, I'm mesmerized by every villains' $59 double-breasted suit and Shame's dated Dionne Warwick/Psychic Friends Network reference. Warwick's wide nostrils got more comedic mileage than you might think.

0:09 - Shame escapes with the bad guys' loot by running across the tops of tables in the hotel's customer-filled restaurant – located somewhere between the hotel's second and 22nd floors. He then shoots out the window, blindly leaps from said window and crashes through the roof of his client's waiting limousine conveniently located a few miles below. An overtly armed Black man shooting with impunity in Los Angeles – less than two years after the riots – and he's not caught on ONE surveillance camera? I'll buy the lucky limo leap before I'll buy that.

0:13 - Charles S. Dutton is introduced as Shame's former partner on the police force who's graduated to DEA agent. Dutton and Wayans were Sunday night network neighbors for awhile as Dutton's Roc followed In Living Color. Dutton's delivery, demeanor and appearance have always reminded me a shaved Captain Caveman.

0:16 - Here is DEA Agent Rothmiller explaining to Shame how his archenemy has managed to elude capture: "What if he's NOT dead? What if he changed his face and laid low for a couple of years?" This theory is still only slightly more implausible than the last seven seasons of Law & Order: SVU.

0:19 - Sexual tension is teased between Shame and Peaches with the script actually calling for Shame to say "We're from two different worlds." Even with Pinkett ramping up the vamp factor to 10, she's acting rings around the wooden Wayans, who looks like the most uncomfortable person in this film.

0:21 - Two more Wayans favorites: a handicap riff and a Gary Coleman gag. The jokes were old in 1994. Even Rowdy Roddy Piper would appreciate it if Keenan could freshen up the references a bit.

0:26 - Shame's threatening "I'mma be wrecking sh*t like a 7.0" line might one of my favorite things about this awful, awful movie. Mrs. Bootleg turned to me with an incredulous look on her face and said, "I've heard you use that before." G*ddam right I have. And, I will again.

0:28 - A Rodney King/Reginald Denny reference. I won't even link to them. You have no idea who these people are and neither do I.

0:31 - During a discussion of who is the greatest heavyweight fighter of all time – Shame: "Tyson? Mike Tyson?! Mike Tyson can't even SPELL 'Muhammad Ali'." Peaches: "Wait a minute…Muhammad Ali can't even spell 'Muhammad Ali'. Can't lie, I laughed.

0:33 - Jeers for the insulting, offensive over-the-top gay caricature, but cheers for the silk scarf around Peaches' head while she sleeps. This is what Black women do, y'all and Mrs. Bootleg was pleased with what she called the "authenticity" – a word synonymous with new-age Blaxploitation flicks like this.

0:34 - References to Arsenio Hall and Arsenio Hall's butt. See, both were kinda big back in the day.

0:37 - A mailman with a stone-cold, Soul-Glo jheri curl hits on Peaches. This was obviously before the world learned that jheri curls kill.

0:38 - Another Wayans tradition: putting the family's less-talented siblings on camera at every opportunity. Keenan's Sasquatch sister, Kim, has a bit part here. Before this film, it had been more than ten years since Kim's last cinematic appearance.

0:41 - It's the slow-motion introduction of the film's femme fatale, Angela – played by Salli Richardson. She even closes her eyes and tosses her hair around for us. That's some subtle-ass cinematography, Mr. Director. And, like any respectable Black woman would, Mrs. Bootleg immediately attacks, sneering in the actress' direction: "She had a long career."

0:46 - And, with lines like "You made me break ALL my rules" (stilted emphasis hers) it's easy to see why Richardson came crawling back to television. Lela Rochon, Theresa Randle…what was it with the mid-1990s and attractive Black women who couldn't act?

0:56 - Shame gets all serious n' sh**. He shaves his head, grabs a pair of sunglasses (At night?! Outrageous!) and slips into his midnight-blue trench coat – a color that was only slightly less threatening than the most dangerous shade of the era: teal.

1:00 - Mendoza – the lead villain, played by Venezuelan-born Andrew Divoff – actually says "cock-a-roashes" in a threatening and non-ironic fashion. Sixty minutes in and this movie's managed to offend every ethnicity and sexual orientation. You're slippin', Keenan Ivory.

1:05 - It's the ubiquitous "shootout at the club" scene. The best parts occur before the bullets as we're treated to a "sex on the beach" double-entendre and this song playing in the background. Couldn't land the rights to "Here Comes the Hotstepper"?

1:13 - Wait…the DEA agent is working for Mendoza! He kills the three feds tasked with protecting Peaches and, after a short chase, the 300-pound turncoat catches the 90-pound Peaches. She's literally the size of his left leg, but she still can't outrun him.

1:18 - Shame and Angela are interrupted in bed by a taunting phone call from the bad guys. When Shame learns they have Peaches, he forcefully rejects the advances of the half-naked woman under the sheets that he was five seconds from having sex with. "I gotta save Peaches!" Again, I paid to see this fifteen years ago.

1:19 - Angela: "Promise me you'll smoke his ass." Shame: "Like a muthaf*ckin' pack of Kools."

1:27 - An earlier plot point pays off as Shame fends off an attack by a pack of frothing dogs…through the music of James Brown. If my insanely long review leads to any of you renting this movie, just fast-forward through the dog scene. Trust me. It's as preposterously superfluous as the "Jeopardy!" sequence in White Men Can't Jump.

1:29 - The turncoat DEA agent has the diabolical Angela at gunpoint. She takes off her top in an attempt to seduce him, but he's not picking up what she's throwing down. Angela then pulls a .22 from her bra strap and kills the DEA agent. Hovering over his corpse, she hisses, "Stupid muthaf*cka. You could've had some p***y."

1:32 - Finally…after all this (in both cinematic and lightly-read blog review form) it's the final showdown between Shame and Mendoza. Their fist fight lasts less than 30 seconds…and, it's over. He's…taken into custody? Sure, there's a predictable little twist and another blink-and-you-missed-it fistfight between two other characters, but…that's it?

In hindsight, I should've took that girl to see Junior.

TBG Eats: The NEW Southwestern Chicken Bowl from Jack in the Box

2009-12-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Current Weight: 166.4 lbs.

December marks the seventh anniversary of my internet writing debut. Throughout my long, winding road of CD reviews, weekly music news columns, infrequent sports features and this lightly-read blog, I've been known to reference The Simpsons once or twice.

Remember the 1998 episode that opened up with Homer chauffeuring his brood to a post-church, free sample brunch at "Eatie Gourmet's"? Homer famously proclaims "If it has a toothpick in it, it's free!" He then eats whatever he can impale with his thin, one-inch piece of wood.

The fast food "bowl" phenomenon can be similarly – and ignorantly – generalized. If I remember correctly, Jack in the Box was the first national burger-centric chain to roll out chicken bowls. I vividly remember the smell of surplus teriyaki sauce from a drum filling the back of the frozen yogurt shop I ~~assistant~~ managed back in 1994-95. The 18-year-old waifs who discreetly nibbled from the bowls were convinced they were eating healthy.

And, if you ignored the grotesque sodium content in pretty much anything "teriyaki", I wouldn't argue the point.

Other fast food spots soon brought out their own bowls. But, while JitB's steak and chicken teriyaki bowls contained just 11 and six grams of fat, respectively, other restaurants' offerings were a bit more bad for you. Regional chain El Pollo Loco – a company whose entire business model is based on healthier eating – features a chicken Caesar salad bowl (22 grams of fat) and the "Ultimate Pollo Bowl" (1,047 calories, 34 grams of fat, 2,516 grams of sodium).

While the above nutritional information is readily available on El Pollo Loco's website and within their restaurants, the chain has wisely positioned these fat ~~bombs~~ bowls under the warm glow of their brand's "heart-healthy" aura. But, bowls filled with poultry aren't always healthy…right, Colonel?

All of which brings us back to Jack. And, yes, I have been trying to work in that transition for years, thank you. JitB unveiled their new Southwest Chicken Bowl last month with their usual offbeat 30-second spot. The first is kinda comical, but the last shot of the Black guy ruined it for me. Exaggerated afro humor in 2009? It wasn't funny in 1988.

Oddly enough, the Spanish version has a much better payoff:

JitB's Southwest Chicken Bowl is made with fajita-seasoned chicken, rice, beans, veggies and topped with shredded cheddar, salsa and cilantro-lime sauce. To the untrained eye, this might be one of the least appetizing fast food menu items in a long time. The milky-green cilantro-lime sauce was everywhere and the obviously artificial flavor was overwhelming.

The chicken sits on top of the rice. It's a round(!) skinless piece of meat with pre-cut indentations that don't quite go all the way through. I'm not a fan of having to do more work on my meal than the kitchen plebes who prepared it, but there I was cutting, stirring and mixing.

Within a few bites, I was staring down at a bowl where the only remaining residents were rice and beans – intensely flavored with fake lime. In a dynamic bit of synergy, it seems Jack in the Box's Southwestern Chicken Bowl ends as weakly as their commercial.

Grade: 2 (out of 5) Calories: 713, Fat: 19g

TBG (Finally) Eats: Sonic~!

2009-12-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

Current Weight: 166.4 lbs.

Earlier this year – on April 6, to be exact – Sonic opened up a restaurant here in San Diego County. A few days after it opened – on April 11, to be exact – I readied my tongue for a taste of the Sonic Experience.

I finished up at my barbershop on a rainy Saturday morning and made the 10 mile drive into Santee. Sonic's main entrance was cordoned off but I could make out enough of the hand-scrawled, rain-washed sign to know that the temporary entrance was in the back.

With a single right turn, I was teleported into an amazingly accurate replica of the worst rush hour traffic imaginable.

A single line of cars stretched down this lonely side street as far as my eyes could see – and I've had LASIK, people. There was one poor Sonic-employed soul stationed at the entrance who was assigned the Herculean task of traffic control. I pulled up next to her, rolled my window down and before I could ask the question she'd surely been asked about a bazillion times to that point, she cheerfully told me, "The wait's about 45 minutes, but the line moves pretty fast!"

I made the mistake of spending a few precious seconds trying to wrap my mind around her statement, but was brought back to reality by the honking sound of several cars queued up behind me, eager to drive the length of the line – which formed on the opposite side of the street – to assume their place at the very, very end. I counted an even 50 cars, single file and idle, before I made like Starscream and retreated.

My fast food reviews are probably the most popular read here at TBG, but I wouldn't wait 45 minutes for a table in a restaurant with a bar and an HD big-screen. It sure as hell ain't happening within the confines of my four-door sedan and only the six listenable satellite radio stations at my disposal.

It took me 7 ½ months to make another attempt. Two weeks ago, I fully intended to hit 'em up, but my most recently-completed steroid regimen had turned my stomach into a square knot. So, almost eight months to the day they opened, I successfully added Sonic to the list of accomplices for my eventual angioplasty.

Even though, I knew what I wanted before I pulled in, I still admired the menu like an out-of-town rube touring Times Square.

I pushed the call button with a childlike anticipation and ordered the "number 12" – a SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito with tater tots and a coffee. Blasphemy? Perhaps, but isn't 11:30 AM a little early for lunch? My "cheeseburger window" was established in college (12 noon until 6:00 AM the following morning) with the only other remaining hours all about breakfast.

My meal came out in about three minutes. I opened the nondescript brown paper sack in much the same way Jalen will be opening much more colorful wrapping paper later this month. There was a small mountain of "medium" tots and the burrito – wrapped nice n' tight – was a decent size for a fast food chain.

The tater tots were OK – just barely lukewarm and surprisingly chewy. My lack of Sonic etiquette was obvious, though, as customers are apparently supposed to ask for ketchup while the car-hop is handing over your food. Once he's gone, you’re a** is without ketchup. The breakfast burrito – according to Sonic's website – is: a medley of savory sausage, scrambled egg, melty [sic] cheese, tater tots, diced onions, ripe tomatoes and spicy jalapeños all wrapped up in a warm flour tortilla.

Points for the tots (which were crispier than my side order) and the peppers, but the sausage had an odd, bitter aftertaste, the onions aren't sautéed and the "melty" cheese is actually a small slice of American. Absolutely edible, but not among the fast food chain breakfast burrito elite like Carl's Jr.'s Loaded Breakfast Burrito or any of Jack in the Box's offerings.

Sonic's coffee, however, was crazy good. Of course, I'm grading on a curve, but considering the loose stool that passes for java in some fast food restaurants, Sonic's strong, flavorful blend was the best thing about my meal.

There's a new Sonic that opened up much closer to Stately Bootleg Manor in late October, so I'll give it another go with my family in tow.

Just as long as there ain't no wait.

Grade – SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito: 2.5 (out of 5)

Calories: 570; Fat: 36 g

2009 NFL Pickery - Week #13 (Thursday)

2009-12-06T09:39:00.000-08:00

Last Week:

Aaron: 13-3
Joe: 11-5
Tom: 10-6

Season to Date:

Tom: 118-58
Joe: 117-59
Aaron: 113-63

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo

Aaron: Hey, it's a sure-to-be-sloppy game between two teams on short rest playing in front of an indifferent Thursday night crowd in Toronto. And, who the hell scheduled this one for the same night the NHL's Maple Leafs are on TV at the same time? Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Living in NYC gets me around the NFL Network blackout, but after the miserable experience of watching a terrible Bills team get a worthless win over a Jets team I stupidly picked in my suicide pool, making me actively hate my own football team for the first time ever, I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to this one. Additionally, I've gone 3-for-3 picking against Cam on these NFL Network Thursday games, which is about to make me do something stupid. Pick: Buffalo

Tampa Bay at Carolina

Aaron: Somewhere up in Heaven, Art Shell, Romeo Crennel and Ray Rhodes are looking down on Bucs head coach Raheem Morris and collectively exclaiming, "Damn, son." Pick: Carolina

Joe: Are the Bucs the fun bad team? The Browns are the bad bad team, the Chiefs are the kinda-dangerous bad team, the Raiders are the bad non-team, the Lions are the bad team with a glimmer of hope, and the Redskins are the bad team that could win ugly. We need a fun bad team. Help us out, Josh Freeman. Pick: Carolina

St. Louis at Chicago

Aaron: Since the start of October, the Bears have beaten just two teams: Detroit and Cleveland. Chicago's sporadic cavalcade of cupcake annihilation continues unabated. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Last chance, Bears offense. Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Indianapolis

Aaron: Soooo...we're all just gonna give Vince Young the win here despite the fact he hasn't beaten ONE very good-to-great team since that rarely-mentioned, long-forgotten Rose Bowl game? Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I let Cam take the Colts-loyalist mantle from me last week, to me detriment. Not again. Pick: Indianapolis

Philadelphia at Atlanta

Aaron: Michael Vick returns to Atlanta and America is supposed to care about the crowd's reaction. The same crowd that single-handedly crafted Vick's overrated reputation when he wasn't a felon. Yes, the opinion of that crowd is vital to the national Vick discourse. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Vick is one Annual Donovan McNabb injury away from being the only name player on the field this week. Pick: Philadelphia

Oakland at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Ben Roethlisberger still isn't 100%, but he's starting for the Steelers here. Just how low can a QBs health be before the Raiders actually have a chance? Could Oakland win if Big Ben was only 50% healthy? 25%? Dead? Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Don't give those Raider fans/convicts any ideas. Pick: Pittsburgh

Detroit at Cincinnati

Aaron: If I had to pick one team most likely to lose a first round playoff game at home, it's the Bengals. Hope those "2009 AFC North Champions" t-shirts keep you warm this winter, Cincy. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Warmer than the threadbare Top 10 Draft Pick shirts you and I will be sporting. I'd kill for a first-round home playoff loss. Pick: Cincinnati

New Orleans at Washington

Aaron: Good to know that last Monday night's home win over an aging Patriots team that's woefully short on defense and missing its once fearsome mystique PROVES that the Saints are for real. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: ...Wow, really? Pick: New Orleans

New England at Miami

Aaron: Just how many eulogies will be written about the Pats this season? Isn't there some way the media can just consolidate the "Belichick has lost it; Brady's skittish in the pocket; the defense sucks" storylines into one column and be done with it? Pick: New England

Joe: After seven years of expertly choreographed fellatio on the Pats, their players, their coach, and their fan base, I can take an extended remix on their decline. Pick: New England

Houston at Jacksonville

Aaron: The Texans have been slammed all week for gagging away last week's big lead to the Colts. Deserved criticism, considering the Texans long legacy of excellence. A win over mediocre J'ville should fix everything. Pick: Houston

Joe: I'm not about to go back through the archives here or anything, but I bet I haven't gotten more than ten Jacksonville games right over three years. Pick: Houston

Denver at Kansas City

Aaron: One win at home over the Steelers and the Chiefs are "headed in the right direction"? In the last month, KC beat the Raiders by just six and was bludgeoned to death by the Chargers. Just sayin'. Pick: Denver

Joe: But I really WANT to pick a Chiefs upset! Pick: Kansas City

San Diego at Cleveland

Aaron: We're already starting to hear the same tired "no one will want to play the Chargers in the playoffs" refrain. Just gonna ignore the fact that their running game is abysmal and they're still coached by Norv Turner? OK, then. Pick: San Diego

Joe: I'm not even gonna say anything. Cam seems very certain of how this Chargers season will play out, and he has the advantage of irrationally hating them. Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at Seattle

Aaron: The 49ers still haven't lost a game within their division this season. "Small sample size", you say? "Meh", I retort. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Looks like we're ready for this yo-yo Niners season to experience a yo. The second yo. The yo that means you lose. Pick: Seattle

Dallas at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: I gotta say...this NFC East hair-pulling slap-fight to the playoffs makes for some compelling TV. Thank God ESPN is here to breakdown the mediocrity minute-by-minute. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Yeah, these teams are pretty much destined to knock each other around until one, maybe two limps into the playoffs. Pick: NY Giants

Minnesota at Arizona

Aaron: Kurt Warner...Matt Leinart...hard to believe Brett Favre might actually be the most likeable QB in the stadium on Sunday, but there ya go. Pick: Minnesota
Joe: Your anti-Christian, anti-handsome stance disgusts me. Pick: Arizona

Baltimore at Green Bay

Aaron: When Aaron Rodgers stops wetting himself in the face of a good defense, I'll pick him against a good defense. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Aaron Rodgers has earned my enduring loyalty. That's all I'll say. Pick: Green Bay

Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)

Joe (33): Pats (-4) over DOLPHINS; Chargers (-13.5) over BROWNS; CHIEFS (+5) over Broncos

Aaron (30): FALCONS (+5.5) over Eagles; Chargers (-13.5) over BROWNS; Giants (+2.5) over Cowboys

Tom (24): Ravens (+3) over PACKERS; Saints (-9.5) over REDSKINS; Eagles (-5.5) over FALCONS

TBG & Jalen Play: Mario Kart Wii

2009-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

Synopsis: Nintendo's venerable Italian stereotypes compete with the ubiquitous brand's other cartoonish icons in a series of cra-a-a-zay races.

'80s Game It Most Resembles: R.C. Pro-Am

Retail Price: $49.99 (comes with one Wii Wheel controller; additional Wheels sell for $14.99)

Website

Father & Son Experience: I purchased this game in July 2008 with a Target gift card. At the time, Jalen was smack-dab in the middle of a race-car phase that…he's still in. Fortunately, Mario Kart Wii didn't involve watching Disney/Pixar's Cars movie for the one millionth time or watching one minute of NASCAR on a Sunday afternoon.

The game moves rapidly – even grading on the racing game curve – and initially overwhelmed Jalen to the point where he'd gleefully watch me play, but wanted nothing to do with it, himself. He reluctantly took the virtual wheel, but insisted I "help". This meant I'd do all the work (steering, tossing ridiculous comical weapons, etc.) while Jalen loosely held the wheel under my hands.

Today, he plays by himself and takes slightly less obnoxious pride in his first place finishes than I do.

Best Thing for Adults: The game's pretty easy to pick-up after a just a few plays – a welcome relief for those of us who grew up in an age when $20 "strategy guides" weren't required to play video games.

Best Thing for Kids: Affords children the opportunity to get behind the wheel while bumping, crashing and throwing things at other cars. As a Californian, these are skills that Jalen will need later in life.

Worst Thing for Everyone: The multi-player features may induce seizures. The split-screen for the two-person race is almost un-playable if your eyes happen to drift up or down to the other driver. You'll be turning left, but you might see the other car turning right…only that's not your car…or, is it? See what I mean?! Similarly, the 2-4 player "coin" and "balloon" challenges brought on nausea with all the driving in circles. This concept was a LOT less painful in National Lampoon's European Vacation.

Buy, Rent or Pass: The Nintendo Wii doesn't have the best selection of games, so if you're going to spend $50, you might as well invest in one of the few fun, re-playable games in the Wii's catalog. And, if you happen to have a five-year-old African-American son, make sure no one sees him doing Donkey Kong's exaggerated first-place gorilla celebration in a public place. Just…trust me on this.

TBG TV: FOX's Animation Domination – 11/29/2009

2009-12-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday's Rankings (5-3-2-1 scoring)

(1) The Cleveland Show ("From Bed to Worse") - Perhaps I'm the last one to notice, but this show is much more watchable when it puts its own stank on tired sitcom formulas instead of playing up the bad, Black satire. The Rallo/Cleveland static was borderline believable – in an over-the-top, computer-animated way – with a series of zings that repeatedly hit the target ("He called me the 'N' word!"…"Hey, I'm allowed to, aren't I?") The side stories with the bears ("She looks like a beautiful Edward James Olmos!") and Cleveland Jr.'s flame-retardant one-piece yellow PJs were winners, too.

(2) The Simpsons ("Rednecks & Broomsticks") - Solid episode that showed both how good this show can be and why it'll never be great again. For those of us who can appreciate 30 minutes of fun, but forgettable television, the car ride from the ski resort (with the kids playing a knockoff of "Bop It!") was worth some laughs – as were some of Homer's interactions with the hillbillies and the Springfield Witch Trial (…the city's first witch trial in 12 years!") The cynic might ask how many more times will the plot revolve around Homer's new job, Lisa's attempt to fit in/find a religion and an absurd courtroom conclusion.

(3) American Dad! ("G-String Circus") - Meh. The Stan/Hayley conflict does nothing for me as they're essentially mirror-image unlikeable caricatures of each other. They'll always play to a draw. Things didn't pick up until the final five minutes with the "Make It Rain" homage and Steve's crew finally reaching his bedroom – then getting all gross with a previously worn g-string.

(4) Family Guy ("Dog Gone") - What was the "potential-to-execution" ratio here: 20:1? 200:1? Brian kills another dog while drinking and driving, but the episode spirals down the drain at a breakneck pace. Korean dog eating jokes? "Peter vs. PETA"? (And, I don't care how self-aware that one was, it still didn't work.) And, the "Consuela" storyline… M'man Sam made the point last week about the FG writers reveling in stereotypes, rather than lampooning them. "Consuela" was…that.

MVP: I'm kinda-sorta loving the Rallo character when he's given something substantial to do. The Cleveland Show has run hot and cold, but as long as Seth MacFarlane doesn't rewrite Rallo's motivation mid-stream (where have you gone, evil Stewie?) he could have quite the marketing opportunity on his hands.

Quote of the Night: "They say there isn't a sport he hasn't lettered in or a girl who hasn't let him in." – Some random, unnamed character (The Cleveland Show)

Current Standings

The Simpsons – 24
The Cleveland Show – 24
American Dad! – 20
Family Guy – 19

Meet the Rest of My Family

2009-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Contrary to the celebratory reaction shots during ESPN's annual coverage of the NBA draft, not every Negro is blessed with a big family.

This might be why we continue to invite my side of the family over to Stately Bootleg Manor every Thanksgiving. My mother, my aunt and my grandfather don't take up much space -- yet after a few hours...I want my house back. But, since they DID come down from LA, we invited them to stay overnight.

My Mother: I've mentioned -- on more than one occasion -- my obese adolescence and the delicious, often deep-fried role my mother played in it. I took Jalen out to pick up some ice around lunchtime on Thanksgiving Day. We made a separate, somewhat out-of-the-way side trip, but couldn't have been gone for more than 45 minutes. In the time we were gone, my mom had prepared an assortment of appetizers, including spinach-artichoke dip, deviled eggs and a blue cheese dip with crackers and veggies.

Years ago, I stopped taking my mom up on her offer to "make me a plate". She believes in enormous portions and takes great offense to an unfinished meal (and slightly less offense if you don't go back for seconds). To this day, my greatest regret is that I didn't have this lightly-read blog when the future Mrs. Bootleg was obligated to eat her weight in my mom's meat loaf when she met my parents for the first time. Unfortunately, my 83-year-old grandfather allowed my mom to make his plates. Plural, yo. And, despite having twice as much food in front of him as anyone else, he gamely -- albeit glacially -- ate more in one sitting than HIS grandparents ate during the entirety of the 1800s.

My Grandfather: You know how those long cross-country flights require varying degrees of recovery time for your body? Several years ago, I flew -- terrifically hungover -- from Washington DC back home to San Diego. I landed on a Friday night, but didn't wake up until Sunday afternoon. That's how my grandfather's body seemed to react to the 90 minute drive down Interstate 5.

Now, after more than 3 1/2 decades as a grandfather, he was able to auto-pilot some sincere interaction with his great-grandson, Jalen. He brought J $100(!) and then watched him throw a soft baseball around the living room. He listened as Jalen meticulously explained the intricate details of his hastily-scrawled drawings ("It's a baseball team!"). Hell, my grandfather and I even had a chance to compare recent medical histories (and, depending on your perspective, I'm either winning or losing). But, after a few hours, he was literally sliding down our couch. I'm convinced he finished the last two pounds of his meal while in R.E.M.

My Aunt: I've written about my aunt before. She'll always be the first lesbian I ever knew. I've been blessed to know many more gays and lesbians in my lifetime -- friends, acquaintances, co-workers and lightly-read blog readers. So, I hope those of you whom I know and love will forgive this bit of generalization, but I have never met a member of the gay community who wasn't incredible with kids -- mine, in particular. I really hope that doesn't sound like "Blacks sure run fast!" platitudes.

My aunt will be 60-years-old next March. She's shuffling around on bad knees and an even worse hip, but she absolutely ran Jalen ragged well into the evening. She pitched to him. She threw the football with him. She limped around the living room after him as part of the worst game of tag in the recorded history of humanity. She did the same stuff with me 30 years ago and...aw, crap. I'm getting choked up. Time to remember the TBG tone and point out she needed half a bottle of Tums to get through the evening and has a proclivity for early morning peein' with the door not-quite-closed.

Can't wait until Christmas.

More Jalen Speak

2009-11-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

Actual conversations with my five-year-old son…

Last week, Jalen – while 99% asleep – came downstairs around 11:00 PM. I took him back upstairs, with a detour to the bathroom.

Me: "Are you finished?"

Jalen: [Unintelligible somnambulant mumbling.]

Me: "OK, let's get your pajama bottoms pulled up."

Jalen: [More mumbling.]

Me: "J, I can't understand you."

Jalen: [More mumbling, but with an obviously annoyed tint.]

Me: "J, what's the problem?"

Jalen: "I said, 'my underwear is pinching my penis!'"

Stopping off for a post-haircut ice cream…

Jalen: "Are you going to leave me in the car when you get the ice cream?"

Me: "What?! No, I'm not going to leave you in the car."

Jalen: "Mommy does."

Me: "WHAT?!"

(In the next beat, Jalen explained. Now, I COULD print his response – which fully exonerates Mrs. Bootleg – or I could cut it off right where I did. Decisions, decisions.)

Showing Jalen my 2nd grade class photo…

Me: "That's me when I was seven-years-old."

Jalen: "Wow. You used to be brown skinned, but now you're really light skinned."

Me: [Head explodes].

2009 NFL Pickery - Week #12

2009-11-29T06:23:00.000-08:00

Last Week:

Tom: 13-3
Joe: 12-4
Aaron: 9-7

Season to Date:

Tom: 108-52
Joe: 106-54
Aaron: 100-60

Green Bay at Detroit

Aaron: A few years ago, there were rumblings that the NFL was planning to take the Lions' annual Thanksgiving home game away. The city put up a big stink and the league backed down. "You can take away our auto industry, Motown and our spirit, but hands off our late November home blowout losses, America!" Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Hey, I'm just happy for my annual holiday bonanza of fantasy points. No, not you, Frequently Injured Calvin Johnson. Pick: Green Bay

Oakland at Dallas

Aaron: Worst thing about Thanksgiving = hack sportswriters and broadcasters using the holiday to dredge up "turkey of the year" columns and commentary. "Turkey" hasn't been an acceptable derogatory term since Jimmie Walker left the airwaves, white people. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Hey, let's keep up the meaningless wins in a lost season, Raiders. That first round pick can drop safely behind the Bills aaaaany time. Pick: Dallas

N.Y. Giants at Denver

Aaron: Both teams are fighting for their playoff lives and both teams haven't looked good in recent weeks. Especially, Denver. Huh...that was easy. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Man, this is gonna be a boring holiday with us picking the same teams. Perhaps I'll go with Denver... Pick: Denver (gulp)

Seattle at St. Louis

Aaron: Seattle's 28-0 shutout of the Rams earlier this season doesn't scare me off from picking St. Louis. Rams RB Steven Jackson missing most of this week's practices, though? Yikes! Pick: Seattle

Joe: Up through the first quarter of that Saints game, the Rams had been a fairly reliable pest -- good for keeping games close without exactly winning. I wouldn't be shocked if they won here -- but I also wouldn't be shocked if the Seahawks beat them by thirty. Pick: Seattle

Carolina at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: After 11 weeks worth of fantasy games, I think it's finally safe to g'head and release the NY Jets defense from my roster. Pick: Carolina

Joe: My faith in the Jets has not been rewarded this year. In similar news, Michael Jackson's faith in being alive has not been rewarded this year. Carolina's been hot lately. All signs point to a cooler game, right? (Note: This is why I don't gamble.) Pick: NY Jets

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Aaron: I'll be honest: this rivalry has a lot less impact on me since erstwhile Buccaneer/Falcon RB Warrick Dunn returned to the forest moon of Endor after last season. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: As do-or-die games for the Falcons go, this one could be worse. Pick: Atlanta

Miami at Buffalo

Aaron: If I had known the Bills' new coach was Black, I'd have picked Buffalo last week on general principle. You know who else is Black? Ricky Williams. Pick: Miami

Joe: So Mike Shanahan met with the team for seven hours this past week regarding the head coaching vacancy. Now all we need is 1997 John Elway and Terrell Davis and we'll be in business! Pick: Miami

Washington at Philadelphia

Aaron: It's becoming obvious that the NFC East is planning to give us the league's first 7-9 division champion. Why can't us, Redskins fans! Answer - because your team is horrible. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: The NFC East is still waiting for a team to back into its division title. There's still time for a few more non-fatal losses, Eagles! Pick: Philadelphia

Cleveland at Cincinnati

Aaron: Didn't we all agree that no struggling QB could use a good game against a terrible team and call it a "breakout performance"? Seriously, I thought this was a societal rule like "Always shake hands with your right hand". I'm not dusting off my Brady Quinn rookie cards yet. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Losing to the Raiders was bad, yes, but losing to the Raiders and THEN the Browns? That should be followed by a voluntary abdication of your playoff spot. Don't make us peer-pressure you into that, Bengals. Pick: Cincinnati

Indianapolis at Houston

Aaron: If I've learned nothing else from the increasing canyon between me and Joe's win-loss record, it's to stop picking against undefeated teams. Even though, I know it's gonna burn me here. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Well, I mocked the Texans' ability to keep it close with the Colts last time and they almost won. This time, they'll have the law of averages even more solidly on their side. Pick: Houston

Jacksonville at San Francisco

Aaron: Have I picked a 49ers game correctly this season? Those of you who bet the opposite of me should take heed. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: The Jaguars cannot make the playoffs. The Jaguars cannot make the playoffs. The Jaguars cannot make the playoffs. Damn it. Pick: Jacksonville

Kansas City at San Diego

Aaron: At this writing, the Chargers have until 1:00 PM on Saturday to sell 1,300 tickets in hopes of avoiding their first TV blackout in five years. C'mon, blackout. These are the things a fan of bad team must root for: ruining other fans' weekend. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Looks like the Chargers have a bead on that ill-fated playoff matchup Cam prophesied a few weeks ago. Pick: San Diego

Chicago at Minnesota

Aaron: I gotta say, I'm genuinely surprised by how much I'm enjoying the Jay Cutler backlash. 11 weeks into the season and NOW pundits are realizing how he might not have been a good fit for the Bears' grind-it-out offense? Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Rot in hell, Bears running game. Rot deep in the core of hell. Pick: Minnesota

Arizona at Tennessee

Aaron: We've gotta put a stop to this ridiculous "run the table" talk coming out of Tennessee. I can think of no other way to assure a Titans loss than... Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Sticking with the hot hand. Of course, Arizona's got a hot hand too. Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh at Baltimore

Aaron: Why do those in charge of picking prime time games think that a final score of 13-12 played on a soft bog is compelling television? Pick: Baltimore

Joe: As you all probably know, we've progressed from a Charlie Batch Watch to a Charlie Batch Warning. Please find a safe place to ride this out. Pick: Baltimore

New England at New Orleans

Aaron: Well, I've painted myself into quite the corner. I like the Patriots here, but in accordance with my new "undefeated" team rule... Pick: New Orleans

Joe: This time, when Belichick makes the a-hole call to go for it on 4th down in his own territory, it will be from the comfort of a 10-point lead. Pick: New England

Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)

Joe (32): RAVENS (+3) over Steelers; Dolphins (-3) over BILLS; VIKINGS (-10.5) over Bears

Aaron (30): RAVENS (+3) over Steelers; EAGLES (-9) over Redskins; Dolphins (-3) over BILLS

Tom (24): RAMS (+3) over Seahawks; Patriots (+2) over SAINTS; Jags (+3.5) over NINERS

Anatomy of a Family Portrait

2009-11-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

When Mrs. Bootleg and I jumped the broom in 2002, we hired someone to shoot the obligatory wedding video. The resultant DVD was off-the-charts on the unintentional comedy scale. Ten minutes into the ceremony, I was glistening like this guy.

The DVD actually includes a "bonus features" section that plays a slideshow of That Bootleg Couple "through the years". Mrs. Bootleg's photo montage runs about three times as long as mine. As near as I can tell, my parents stopped taking pictures of me as soon as I ceased being "cute".

For the record, I'm talking about the kind of "cute" that begins when one's fresh from the womb and runs through early elementary school. Right around my eighth birthday, all photographic evidence of my adolescence comes to a screeching halt. As someone who built a lightly-read blog around self-deprecation, this hurts my heart more than you could know.

My lack of Kodak moments means that the morbidly obese, pre-teen version of me is lost to history. Ditto for my corduroy nut-hugging '80s shorts, my ill-advised high-top fade and an especially embarrassing stretch when 80% of my wardrobe was purple.

My son Jalen will not have this problem.

In his 5 ½ years on earth, he's been photographed 50 million times. If the time/date stamp on our digital camera was accurate, in the 48 hours after his birth, we took 112 pictures of the boy – most from behind the restrictive confines of the neo-natal intensive care unit. Who takes that many shots of anyone from behind the equivalent of bulletproof gas station attendant glass?

Anyways, one of the many, many unwritten rules of parenthood is that a new baby makes family portraits mandatory. And, despite my enormous forehead and sunken, emaciated face, I'm OK with this. The camera does love my mug (and, to a lesser extent, Mrs. Bootleg's and the boy's, too).

Our family portraits almost always double as our Christmas cards. For the first few years, we did the cheesy studio shot with the imitation "wintry" backdrop. Last year, however, I exercised one of my rarely-used paternal vetoes and put the kibosh on the shots from "Santa's Workshop".

We did a beach photo session last fall and this year…well, we're doing a beach session again. But, it's a different beach! In the same city. Just a little bit up the coast. But, it's a different beach. I think. Let's do this thang:

Friday, October 23: OMG, I need an outfit! Here are my problems (in no particular order) – I want to wear jeans, but I don't ever wear anything but shorts outside of work. I hadn't bought a pair of jeans in years and that was when I weighed around 190 lbs. I'm 20 lbs. lighter these days. I also need a shirt and some shoes, but I've completely lost my feel for what's cool, trendy, fashionable and/or fabulous.

I opt for a pair of jeans from the back of my closet that kinda-sorta fit, a pair of three-year-old Timberland boots that I might've worn five times total and a new long-sleeve button-down shirt. I'm reasonably confident that my ensemble could've passed for timely fashion in 2000-2001. At my age, "anywhere within the current decade" is great.

Saturday, October 24: Using her God-given powers of "all up in my business", Mrs. Bootleg sniffs out the new clothes smell coming from my closet. I tell her I bought a shirt for our pictures next Friday. She explains that she's not going to get worked up over what everyone is wearing. Then, she sees my new shirt and asks me if I'm worried my broad, vertical stripes will clash with Jalen's horizontal stripes.

Friday, October 30 – 1:30 PM: We arrive at La Jolla Shores and attempt to coordinate with the photographer via cell phone. Mrs. Bootleg – who is universally known as the LAST person you want holding a map, compass or programming a GPS – is attempting to decipher the photographer's location. We get out of the car and cross the street to meet her.

1:40 PM: After a scenic walk down the shore, we realize two things: (1) we're at the wrong beach and (2) we've got no cell phone coverage. It's about 68 degrees under a cloudless sky. We have a finite amount of time before my jeans, long-sleeve shirt and boots combo drive up my body temperature to less than photogenic levels. Even worse, the clock is ticking on "Good Jalen". His hyperactive alter ego could erupt at any minute.

1:50 PM: We find the right beach, we find the photographer. All is well.

1:55 PM: The photographer wants a few solo shots of Jalen. For whatever reason, Jalen hams it up with a series of inappropriate…baseball poses? This leads to Jalen demanding the photographer capture him pretending to hit from the right side AND the left side. "I'm a switch hitter", he insisted. Can a dad be both proud and annoyed?

2:25 PM: It's been 30 minutes. The photographer is exceedingly patient and pleasant, but Jalen's starting to crack. He takes direction and appreciates structure just fine in the classroom, but on a postcard afternoon outdoors, Jalen would rather be…a five-year-old boy.

2:45 PM: The photographer attempts to get an increasingly disinterested Jalen to pose for one last set of shots. Seizing on his competitive fire, she "races" him to a large tree. As Mrs. Bootleg cheers Jalen on, I suddenly realize how this will end. "Oh, sh*t, he's gonna slide…", I say. "J! Don't…!" Too late. Jalen executes a textbook baseball slide across the grass. Oh, excuse me…across the grass that's covered in about half an inch of standing water.

2:50 PM: With one muddy leg, Jalen makes it through the final shots, but not before Mrs. Bootleg nearly killed him. With so many witnesses present, she had to bottle up her maternal rage over the baseball slide. But, when Jalen started complaining and refused to pose…an arm was grabbed, a voice was raised, a neck vein was popping…and I wasn't involved. I'd have lost that bet.

Can't wait until next year.

TBG TV: FOX's Animation Domination – 11/22/2009

2009-11-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday's Rankings (5-3-2-1 scoring)

(1) The Simpsons ("Pranks & Greens") - See what can happen with a relatively Homer-free episode? This was the best Simpsons of the still-young season with Bart in the unfamiliar "voice of reason" role. The secondary story was even better as Marge's repeated attempts to win over the members of her "Mom's Club" with healthy infant snacks hit…a little close to home. The $830 faux Whole Foods bill and immediately decomposing produce was a brilliant bit o' business.

(2) The Cleveland Show ("A Brown Thanksgiving") - I'm kind of hoping the writers have gotten all the vomit and farts out of their system for the season. I expect scatological humor within the confines of unfunny urban comedies featuring real Negroes. Don't need it in sitcoms with make-believe Black people, thanks. This one had its moments: Rallo's profane "sack of sh*t" bit and the talented Kym Whitley killing it as "Auntie Momma".

(3) Family Guy ("Jerome is the New Black") - Alright, white people…help me out here. Are jokes about the size of a Black guy's junk, their insatiable sexual appetite and the threat they might rob you still funny in 2009? I appreciated the "I speak jive" nod to Airplane, but it only served as a 30-year-old reminder on how a satire of Black culture should be done. And, the Quagmire/Brian stuff was just…mean. Even worse, there was no payoff, which seemed like a cop-out considering how far out of character Quagmire was written.

(4) American Dad! ("My Morning Straitjacket") - Yeah…see, here's the thing. I've never seen Almost Famous. Sorry, kids…your ol' Uncle Aaron wasn't exactly in the film's "target demographic". Consequently, the assorted cinematic references fell flat to my unappreciative ears. And, My Morning Jacket does nothing for me as a band, so I wasn't connecting to…well, pretty much every g*ddam moment of this episode.

MVP: Marge Simpson's overnight attraction to organic produce – followed by her immediate conversion back to preservative-laden snack cakes – mirrors the peer pressured decision making of a certain midget wife of mine.

Quote of the Night: "If he lost that giant inhaler, he'd really be in trouble with his parents." – Milhouse (The Simpsons)

Current Standings

The Simpsons – 21
The Cleveland Show – 19
Family Guy – 18
American Dad! – 18

2009 Final A'ssessment: Catcher & DH

2009-11-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

Kurt Suzuki – C (.274/.313/.421)

2009 Grade: B

The Good: Everyone who writes about Suzuki is obligated to mention un-measureable, anecdotal attributes like "he calls a good game" and "he's good with Oakland's young pitchers". And, he IS fun to watch behind the plate as he's solid on defense without the shortcomings of recent A's catchers like Jason Kendall (threw like a girl) and Ramon Hernandez (the next time he blocks the plate and takes a home plate collision will be the first time). On offense, he doubled his HR output and added 50 points to his SLG.

The Not-So-Good: I didn't realize how mediocre Suzuki was at the plate for most of the season – especially considering that on May 1 he was hitting .352/.397/.463. For the next 4 ½ months (through September 15), he hit only .253/.285/.386. His OBP dropped more than 30 points from 2008, as he expanded the strike zone and swung at pretty much everything (just 28 walks in 614 PAs). For the second straight year, Suzuki led the AL in games started behind the plate and – following a maddening recent pattern – the A's seem perfectly fine with their starting catcher going two weeks without a day off.

Jack Cust – DH (.240/.356/.417)

2009 Grade: D+

The Good: Led the A's in home runs for the third straight season – and almost half of his 25 were with runners on base! Cust wisely ditched his more aggressive approach at the plate (he was hitting .224/.316/.407 on June 30) and posted a .256/.395/.428 line from July 1 through the end of the season. Graciously signed a ball for my son during Spring Training AND he lists Jay-Z as his favorite musician. You're OK by me, ya big lug.

The Not-So-Good: Cust's OPS in each of the past three seasons has dropped precipitously (.912, .857, .773). He's an ill fit for the 3-4-5 hole, but the A's simply don't have anyone better to put there. Cust's defense is the sports equivalent to the comedy with a sad ending…and when your team's best power hitter evokes a Terms of Endearment reference, it's time to reassess your roster. He pulled down $2.8M in 2009, with an arbitration raise for 2010 an absolute certainty. The early word is that our boy-genius GM wants him back.

2009 NFL Pickery - Week #11

2009-11-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

Last Week:

Aaron: 10-5
Tom: 10-5
Joe: 9-6

Season to Date:

Tom: 95-49
Joe: 94-50
Aaron: 91-53

Miami at Carolina

Aaron: Can we all agree that the Panthers upset win over Atlanta last week carries slightly less weight than the whole "Dolphins lost their best player for the rest of the season" thing? Pick: Carolina

Joe: Everything seems to be pointing to Carolina here. Ronnie Brown's injury. The Panthers have been running the ball very effectively as of late. They're at home. Which kind of makes it exactly the kind of game Miami would win just to fuck with me. It's all about me. Pick: Miami

Indianapolis at Baltimore

Aaron: 4...3...1. Those are the margins of victory for the Colts over the past three weeks. The next number in this random pattern would be something like -2 and random patterns - while easy to manipulate - don't lie. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: While it's tough to argue with academia, I figure I'm gonna let this Colts thing ride until it doesn't. Pick: Indianapolis

Seattle at Minnesota

Aaron: Since Mike Holmgren is no longer coaching the Seahawks, what tired Brett Favre storyline will be overreported come Sunday? No fair saying "all of them". Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Oh, like they won't bring that up anyway. Minnesota's leisurely sleigh ride to the playoffs continues. Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Aaron: Are the Saints actually going to have to lose a game before anyone realizes their entire defense is nothing more than extremely vivid Pixar animation? Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Um...yes? They'll probably have to lose for the first time all season before we start picking them apart. Pick: New Orleans

Atlanta at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: Is it too late to make the "With all the RB injuries in Atlanta, has anyone checked on the availability of Ironhead Heyward?" joke? Too late or too soon? Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Aw. Jamal Anderson weeps at being excluded from your little joke there. In other news, the loser of this one is looking at a seriously uphill climb to the playoffs. I'd like to think the Giants are just, at base, a better team, but...are they? Pick: NY Giants

Washington at Dallas

Aaron: During a schizophrenic, unpredictable Cowboys season, we can all agree on one thing: they're going to win on Thanksgiving Day. Here, too. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Well, Washington got their one crazy win last week (it's taking everything I have not to mention that I totally called it, even if I pussed out of picking it that way). They can pack it in for the season now. Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Kansas City

Aaron: All that's missing from the Steelers' last few weeks of their lame-duck "defending" championship reign are Presidential pardons for past player transgressions. All is forgiven, Kordell Stewart. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: They lost one game in their last six. I wouldn't start building the Mike Tomlin Presidential Library yet. Pick: Pittsburgh

Buffalo at Jacksonville

Aaron: Wait, so...Dick Jauron was the problem all along? Huh. Well, then...problem solved. I guess. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Dick Jauron was certainly A problem. The fact that we have a good dozen more doesn't mean he didn't need to get fired. Soon comes the fun part where any head coach worth a damn turns down the job because they're too pussy to deal with snow. Pick: Jacksonville

Cleveland at Detroit

Aaron: Are we going to be allowed to bet on "how soon after the regular season" that the Browns fire Eric Mangini? I assume bettors will lay action in 15 minute increments after Cleveland's last game. Pick: Detroit

Joe: Rather than make yet another "hasn't the city of Detroit been through enough?" joke, maybe we should all consider if Detroit had this coming. You can't just allow Andre the Giant to get bodyslammed in your city and have no consequences. Pick: Detroit

San Francisco at Green Bay

Aaron: Depending on the weather, this one has a chance to be uglier than last week's Niners-Bears game - which I didn't see because it was on the NFL Network. But, the highlights? Unwatchable. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Green Bay needs to win a couple more games before the next time they let their fans down. Pick: Green Bay

Arizona at St. Louis

Aaron: Kurt Warner. Jesus. The Cardinals used to play in St. Louis. I stared at this game for 10 minutes and couldn't find a way to make those three things into a blurb. Pick: Arizona

Joe: And Kurt Warner used to play for St. Louis. And now all he does is PRAY to St. Louis. ...Wait, he's not Catholic, is he? DAMN IT, it's harder than I thought. Pick: Arizona

Cincinnati at Oakland

Aaron: On one hand, I'm pleased that JaMarcus Russell has been benched in favor of, well, anyone else. On the other hand, I'm pleased that JaMarcus Russell has been benched in favor of, well, anyone else. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Cedric Benson picked an awfully cushy week to get hurt. Pick: Cincinnati

San Diego at Denver

Aaron: Before I recanted and hopped on the Broncos' bandwagon, I told you guys that they were frauds! Pick: San Diego

Joe: This feels like a "not so fast" game. Pick: Denver

N.Y. Jets at New England

Aaron: Not only will the Pats win - and win big - but, this game will kickstart the "Pats are pissed after the Colts debacle and taking it out on everyone in their path" season-ending storyline. Yawn. Pick: New England

Joe: Have you ever played video games against one of your really unbearably competitive friends who'd lose and totally sulk and overreact and flip out and throw the controller? And while you wish the controller wasn't broken, it was still pretty satisfying to see them all bent out of shape? Yeah, the Jets are that video game controller. Pick: New England

Philadelphia at Chicago

Aaron: Dear San Diego...the notion that NBC would "flex" out this game in favor of Chargers/Broncos is stupid. Eagles + Bears = national following. Chargers + Broncos = two teams I hate, hate, hate. Pick: Chicago

Joe: I hate both these teams. Pick: Philadelphia

Tennessee at Houston

Aaron: Vince Young is essentially running a four-play Tecmo Bowl offense right now, so let's all stop using words like "resurgent" to describe the Titans right now, K? Pick: Houston

Joe: At the very least, Vince Young has muted that "Jeff Fisher might get fired" crazy talk. Pick: Houston

Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)

Joe (31): Steelers (-10) CHIEFS; BUCS (+11) over Saints; Bills (+8.5) over JAGS

Aaron (27): Bengals (-9.5) over RAIDERS; Chargers (-3) over BRONCOS; VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seahawks

Tom (21): Titans +4.5 over TEXANS; Bengals (-9.5) over RAIDERS; Steelers (-10) over CHIEFS

2009 Final A'ssessment: Outfielders

2009-11-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

Scott Hairston – LF (.236/.262/.391)

2009 Grade: D-

The Good: Well, let's see. SP Sean Gallagher – who'd done all he could to qualify for my most hated A's list – was traded to the Padres as part of a package for Hairston. And, Hairston's presence gave me the first light-skinned African-American A's player to look up to since Darren Lewis' cup o' coffee in 1990.

The Not-So-Good: Scott Hairston is a fourth outfielder. This was the freakin' title of the post I wrote on the night we traded for him. Was our boy-genius General Manager surprised when Hairston finished with a 230 point difference in OPS between LHPs (.920) and RHPs (.694)? On September 9, in the span of about 90 seconds, Hairston failed to hustle out of the box on an easy fly ball that was dropped and then was doubled off first, when Chicago's middle infielders suckered him on a popup. Do. Not. Want. (Back.)

Rajai Davis – CF (.305/.360/.423)

2009 Grade: B+

The Good: Lifting liberally from my season-ending 10 Thoughts post - Davis enjoyed a career year at the age of 29 after spending his entire big league career as a 5th outfielder, defensive replacement and pinch-runner. After a miserable start in which all 800 remaining A's fans were calling for his release, Davis hit .323/.374/.459 with 34 stolen bases in his final 89 games.

The Not-So-Good: Davis posted an ungodly – and unlikely to be repeated – .366 BABIP. He only walked 29 times in 432 PAs and his SB% was a barely acceptable 77%. Davis also experienced several maddening, unfocused moments on the base paths and in the field that belied a player whose primary skill set is speed and defense.

Ryan Sweeney – RF (.293/.348/.407)

2009 Grade: B-

The Good: From June 27 through the end of the season, Sweeney hit .328/.378/.476. Perhaps more importantly, for the first time in his professional career, Sweeney hit LHPs at a perfectly respectable clip (.268/.344/.375). On defense, he made several highlight reel – and some home run-robbing – catches that generated the usual "he should've won a Gold Glove!" nonsense from people who either (1) take the meaningless GG award too seriously or (2) don't know that "merit" is the sixth or seventh most important qualifying criteria for the award. That said; he was pretty goddam good.

The Not-So-Good: Many fans and members of the media remain convinced that Sweeney's going to develop 20-home run power someday. He set a career-high with…six home runs last season. I remain skeptical. He missed 2 ½ weeks with a sprained MCL. In two seasons with the A's, he's accumulated an assortment of relatively minor injuries that could hasten his aging process.

And, the rest…: I can't lie…I take great pride in the fact that Eric Patterson's spindly build resembles my own. He caught fire at the tail end of the season and showed signs of finally figuring out his game is the same as Willie Mays Hayes': hit the ball on the ground, leg out hits, befriend Rick Vaughn. It was another lost season for Travis Buck, who publicly contradicted the team over the severity of an injury in late May and was summarily banished to the minors. 27-year-old Matt Carson made his Major League debut. He hit his first MLB home run on September 21 in Oakland. The fan who caught it allegedly asked for $10,000 in exchange.

Oh, what a year.

TBG TV: FOX's Animation Domination – 11/15/2009

2009-11-19T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday's Rankings (5-3-2-1 scoring)

(1) Family Guy ("Quagmire's Baby") - The Quagmire character is a one-note d**k joke ("Giggedy!") that's worn thin in recent seasons, so it was cool to see the writers do something with him other than…well, d**k jokes. OK, OK…fewer d**k jokes. Despite the clichéd "bachelor meets baby" premise, all the little things worked – especially, the strip club sequence where every dancer's actions reminded Quagmire of his daughter and the through-the-window adoption scene. Wasn't feeling the "Bitch Stewie/Brian" secondary story.

(2) American Dad! ("Shallow Vows") - Would've won the night with me if not for two things: (1) the unfunny "we left blind Stan behind" running gag and (2) the cop-out ending with both Stan and Francine agreeing to settle and remain shallow. The rest was mostly gold, though. Francine tabling her beauty regimen for two weeks to teach Stan a lesson is totally something Mrs. Bootleg would do. And, like Stan, I'd run out on her if she did so. And, hey, the Steve, Hayley and Klaus side stories didn't p*ss me off. Progress!

(3) The Cleveland Show ("Ladies' Night") - Probably not a good sign when this episode's recurring "Moon River!" gag was lifted from an episode of Family Guy which lifted it from Fletch. The assortment of sexist potshots – and the one jab at Grey's Anatomy – scored only lightly scattered laughter between me and Mrs. Bootleg. Ditto for the entire Rallo/Cleveland, Jr. student body president subplot. Was it wrong for me to laugh at the "Jew/nerd" bit? Yeah, I prolly shouldn't have brought it up.

(4) The Simpsons ("The Devil Wears Nada") - Instantly forgettable. Not an awful episode, just…forgettable. This was also one of those episodes where almost every scene and storyline has been done before in Simpsons years past. Homer's overworked and sleep-deprived? Just like the time he worked at the Kwik-E-Mart. Homer's working for a taskmaster boss NOT named Mr. Burns for one episode? Just like the time he worked for a taskmaster boss named Mr. Burns for 440-some episodes. Marge almost cheats on Homer, but doesn't? Yeah, you get the point.

MVP: I can't imagine I'll have too many more opportunities to hand out the night's honors to Glen Quagmire. Who knew that ass-jawed rapist actually had a heart?

Quote of the Night: "Tonight, we're doin' facials!" – Quagmire (Family Guy)

Current Standings

American Dad! – 17
The Simpsons – 16
The Cleveland Show – 16
Family Guy – 16

2009 Final A'ssessment: Infielders

2009-11-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Daric Barton – 1B (.269/.372/.413)

2009 Grade: C+

The Good: He appeared to play above his assortment of earned labels (bust, brain damaged) and right back into the team's favor. Despite spending April and May at Triple-A, then serving as Jason Giambi's defensive replacement during a brief call-up in June, the A's put him at first base – and left him alone – after Giambi was mercifully euthanized. Barton hit .287/.386/.434 after being recalled in July. In September (.871 OPS) I can't say I've ever seen him look better: working deep counts, going the other way.

The Not-So-Good: Barton's career OPS in the three meaningless Septembers he's played is .944. His career OPS for every other month of his Major League career is .617. Without much power in the current lineup and only one legit home run-hitting prospect (1B Chris Carter) in the minor league pipeline, the A's can't have much patience with Barton if he scuffles out of the gate again. Carter KILLED pitching in the minors last season (.992 OPS in 650 plate appearances!) and it can't be a good omen that Barton's #2 age comp is…this guy.

Mark Ellis – 2B (.263/.305/.403)

2009 Grade: C-

The Good: Ellis rescued his season with a lights-out seven-week stretch (July 26 – September 12) in which he batted .340 and slugged .525. It would seem he's all but cemented his Teflon status with A's beat writers as Ellis' overwhelmingly "not-so-good" season was ignored by the local media in favor of the usual "hustling clubhouse leader who plays the game the right way while getting the most out of his abilities" platitudes.

The Not-So-Good: When Ellis' aforementioned seven-week hot streak began, his OPS was .595 – positively Bobby Crosbian. After the "streak" ended, Ellis posted a .508 OPS for the rest of the season. With the exception of a decent 2007 season, Ellis has been consistently subpar at the plate since 2006. His once-stellar glove work dropped noticeably, too.

Cliff Pennington – SS (.279/.342/.418)

2009 Grade: B-

The Good: For the second straight season, the A's publicly declared that Pennington would be the starting shortstop down the stretch – and this year, the team didn't inexplicably change their minds 24 hours later! He's 25-years-old with a career .720 OPS in the minors. Though not a prospect, he was fun to watch when he ripped off an occasional hot week at the plate. And, listening to his Shawon Dunston-like hose pop the first baseman's glove – echoing throughout an empty ballpark – is one of my favorite memories of the season.

The Not-So-Good: When it comes to player development, the A's seem to form opinions and hang labels before they actually see a player develop. If the team had any real faith in Pennington, why'd they sign Orlando Cabrera last offseason AND tolerate Cabrera's unfocused, indifferent attitude during the season? Pennington's respectable small sample size should've earned him – at the very least – a legit look next spring. But, a larger sample size of precedence has the A's jerking him around.

Adam Kennedy – 3B (.289/.348/.410)

2009 Grade: C

The Good: Acquired in early May, Kennedy was hotter'n fish grease for a few weeks. On May 31, he was hitting .390/.462/.622 and had convinced some of the A's more slow-witted fans that he was NOT a declining presence at the plate or in the field. In all seriousness, though, Kennedy did seem to carry weight in the clubhouse – most notably during a pointed between innings chat with immature SP Gio Gonzalez after he gave up like 100 runs in two innings.

The Not-So-Good: From June 1 on, Kennedy's OPS was .697. We had Cristian Guzman batting in the top third of our order for four months. He still can't hit LHPs (.241/.303/.333) and his defense at third base – admittedly, not his natural position – was so bad that even the A's beat writers (who stick up for EVERY player) made one or two passive-aggressive mentions of it late in the season when no one was reading the game reports anymore.

And, the rest…: It took 15 seasons, but Nomar Garciaparra managed to supplant Steve Sax as the worst "former All-Star middle infielder" free agent signee in A's history. 26-year-old 1B Tommy Everidge finally made it to The Show for two dozen games. Tommy Everidge…this guy. Hmmm… Hey, only 100 days remain until A's fans are inundated with "Eric Chavez is in the best shape of his LIFE" ~~lies~~ headlines! Well, I guess this is "goodbye", Bobby Crosby. Whenever an A's player is so comically fooled on a 2-0 change-up – and AFTER the pitcher has just walked the bases loaded – I'll think of you.

TBG Eats: The Monster Breakfast Burrito from Los Primos

2009-11-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Current Weight: 168.0 lbs.

I used to be a big breakfast guy. B-I-G. In every sense of the word.

My mother sent us off to elementary school with bellies full of homemade French toast, waffles or omelets and a variety pack of cured breakfast meats. On weekends, she'd find time to add home fries.

As we moved on through middle school and into high school, my mom retired from daily desayuno duty. Undeterred, my brother and I satiated our enormous AM food fix by splitting one half-dozen donuts from Manna's -- cruelly located across the street from our apartment -- or with one of the recently-introduced microwavable Jimmy Dean biscuit sandwiches. 20 years ago, those cholesterol bombs were the size of a shoebox.

These days, my breakfast consists of an apple or strawberry cereal bar and two full travel-size cups of black coffee. Huge breakfasts now make me feel like I'm on the verge of childbirth, so I only indulge after one of my increasingly rare evenings of moderate-to-heavy drinking (Why hello there, Christmas party season! Has it been a year, already?")

Regular readers of this lightly-read blog might remember that I've had some infrequent, isolated sinus issues this year. Two weeks ago, I met with an ENT specialist who informed me that the single retention cyst in my sinus cavity has invited its girlfriend to move in -- the two of them living in sin within the spacious confines of my own skull.

The doctor wanted to be "aggressive" in prescribing a treatment. In his most serious voice, he told me about a steroid called prednisone. In MY most serious voice, I told him that I'd already been prescribed prednisone. Six months ago. It messed up my stomach, screwed up my sleep and left a chemical taste in my mouth for several hours after the initial ingestion.

His response: "Let's double the dosage!" He convinced me that the drugs were pretty much my last non-surgical option and strongly recommended I eat a huge breakfast every morning to better absorb the impact of the prednisone. For the most part, I've ignored the doctor's admonition. For the most part, I've paid for it. As I posted to Twitter on the fifth day of my steroid regimen: If Barry Bonds' insides reacted the same way mine are then America should understand why he was so mean.

So, with my stomach in a state of surrender, I'm hitting it with some hole-in-the-wall Mexican food to make it feel better. Wait...what?

Los Primos is a San Diego-based mini-chain with 15 restaurants in California. They've got about 5% more polish than the hundreds of other less-established Mexican spots; which is to say their three-legged "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" pinball game in the corner actually works. On this 70-degree Sunday morning, they were doing brisk business.

I ordered the $4.49 "Monster" Breakfast Burrito. Ham, bacon, potatoes, scrambled eggs and cheese wrapped in a ginormous flour tortilla. I added four single-servings of their hot, smoky chipotle salsa. Unlike many breakfast burritos, Los Primos' "Monster" isn't 98% eggs. The saltiness of the bacon and ham hit you in the first bite, with just enough eggs to cut the sodium, somewhat. The potatoes are crisp and plentiful, increasing the black hole density of this bad boy. The salsa isn't just superfluous heat, either. It's plenty hot, but with a wonderful roasted flavor that compliments every ingredient within.

Through and through, in every bite, you're getting meat-eggs-potatoes. There's a "complete balanced breakfast" joke somewhere in here, but those of you who didn't grow up on Saturday morning sugar-coated cereal commercials wouldn't get it. Hours later, I still felt satisfied. Thanks, doctor.

I assume we'll deal with the eventual angioplasty at a later date.

Grade: 5 (out of 5)

30 A's in 30 Days – The Recap Show

2009-11-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

A reader whose work I enjoy writes:

Hi Aaron. I found your blog through your link on Baseball Reference. This is a little late, but I loved your '30 A's 30 Days' feature. Now I have to ask how your over/under predictions turned out? You looked pretty good from the handful I knew from memory. Keep up the good work.

I'm pretty sure this lightly-read blog is exempt from accountability, as I was grandfathered in under the recently enacted "Deadspin Proviso". But, since I just finished punching the numbers into an Excel spreadsheet – and, liked the results – let's see how my statistical guesses from March stood up.

For those of you who inexplicably aren't reading my material from eight months ago, here's a quick refresher. Back in March, I lifted MLB Network's "30 Teams in 30 Days" concept and turned it into a season preview of sorts for the 2009 Oakland A's. I profiled 30 players and included an "over/under" prediction based on their projected OPS (for the hitters) and ERA (for the, uh…throwing guys).

Of the 30 A's who were profiled, two (SP Justin Duchscherer and RP Joey Devine) missed the entire season due to injuries and another (17-year-old phenom Michael Ynoa) didn't have a projection to begin with. That leaves us with 12 pitchers and 15 hitters.

I guessed the correct over/under on eight of the 12 pitchers. Most of their individual preseason ERA projections were pure lunacy (a 3.66 ERA for RP Santiago Casilla and his batting practice catalog of crap?!), so I wasn't actually going out on any limb. I will, however, pat my own damn back for believing in SPs Brett Anderson (projected ERA: 4.71, actual ERA: 4.06), Trevor Cahill (P: 4.82, A: 4.63) and Dallas Braden (P: 4.15, A: 3.89) before any of 'em threw a pitch in 2009 and taking the under.

As for the hitters, I went 9 for 15. Eight months after the fact, I still can't believe I took the over on 3B/DL Eric Chavez's projected .758 OPS. I guessed the over on 1B Jason Giambi (P-OPS: .823) and DH Nomar Garciaparra (P-OPS: .749), but theirs was an expedited decomposing that hardly anyone saw. I took the under on Jack Cust and his actual OPS was more than 50 points less than his projection. Matt Holliday only saw a five point drop between projected and actual, but I took the under and I'm countin' it as a win.

And, shout outs to additional "overs" I nailed – CF Rajai Davis for your unexplainable breakout campaign and 1B Daric Barton for another one of your productive Septembers in a meaningless season. Much love to two of my accurate "unders" – 3B Jack Hannahan and UT Bobby Crosby.

No matter how low we set that bar, you continually fail to reach it. Huzzah!

2009 NFL Pickery - Week #10

2009-11-12T17:35:00.000-08:00

Last Week:

Tom: 10-3
Aaron 8-5
Joe: 7-6

Season to Date:

Joe: 85-44
Tom: 85-44
Aaron: 81-48

Chicago at San Francisco (Thursday)

Aaron: After last week's embarassing home defeat to self-proclaimed future Hall of Famer Vince Young, I'm ready to subscribe to the theory that the 49ers can't beat anyone outside the NFC West. I don't suppose San Francsico plays the Raiders this year? Damn. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Watch your step as I attempt to drop some football knowledge, but it seems to me the Bears are suckiest against the pass, while the Niners' strength is in their running game. BUT this could also be one of those inexplicable Vernon Davis 3 TD games. I say this it's ugly and unwatchable (which: lucky for us Time Warner folks, then) either way. Pick: San Francisco

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

Aaron: This is one of those games in which I'd pick the opposite of Joe just for the sake of picking the opposite of Joe. I could see either team winning by two points or two TDs. And, iiiiiit's..."tails". Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: I'd be happy to oblige you here, given my mental block on the Bengals going 4-0 against the other teams in their division. (No, I don't consider the Browns an NFL team.) Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Carolina

Aaron: It's been a few years since I received my degree in marketing from The San Diego State University, but I'm pretty sure it helps to have a discernable chin if you're going to do shirtless Gillette ads, Matt Ryan. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Stopping. Googling. Checking. ...Yeah, that's doing nothing for me. Certainly not like that Tony Gonzalez ad for PETA. Damn it, PETA! If only you didn't get so many celebrities naked, I'd be able to hate you more purely. Pick: Atlanta

Tampa Bay at Miami

Aaron: This week's SI details how the 2009 Bucs are headed in the right direction. They're on their third QB in as many months and fired their offensive coordinator before the season began. This isn't "direction". It's that leg-twitchy thing that happens to dead bodies in the movies. Pick: Miami

Joe: I'm still trying to get over the return of the tangerine uniforms last week. Sure, the color is fug, but I do kind of have a soft sport for that foppish Captain Morgan they had on their helmets. Pick: Miami

New Orleans at St. Louis

Aaron: We're ten weeks into the season. NO ONE is going to call Drew Brees on that Hulk Hogan haircut he's been rockin' all year? His receding-shag is the most underreported story of the year, people. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I'm still fuming from the Rams defying my winless prediction for them from Week 1. Light 'em up, Saints. Light 'em up. Pick: New Orleans

Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: A long time ago, I remember reading that the Buccaneers had lost something like 300 games in a row when the temperature at kickoff was below some...specific temperature. I assume that applies to all Florida teams on the road. Still. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: This is nothing but pure hunch, but I'm feeling like this might be time for the Jags' monthly 30-point loss. Pick: NY Jets

Buffalo at Tennessee

Aaron: It hurts my heart to see Titan fans fall back in love with Vince Young. He's Chris Brown with a Wonderlic score of six, Tennessee. He will hurt you again. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Part of me wants to be contrarian here. And the Bills DO seem determined to deep-six their chances at a Top 10 draft pick. It's not out of the question that Vince Young could throw two INTs for touchdowns. Why not pick the Bills? Oh, right, because Chris Johnson is gonna run for 250 yards. Pick: Tennessee

Denver at Washington

Aaron: I'm enjoying the media-fueled notion that the league's "figured out" the Broncos. The Redskins chances here have increased from "none" to...what, exactly? Pick: Denver

Joe: Man, I was so close to picking the Redskins in one of those sense-defying upsets that tend to happen. Thanks for talking some sense into me, Cam. Pick: Denver

Detroit at Minnesota

Aaron: So did that whole "set the clocks back" thing push back Brett Favre's annual season-ending six-week self-immolation or are we all in agreement that it's just not happening this year? Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Remember, Favre didn't kill the Packers in his last season with them until the NFC championship game. Keep hope alive! Pick: Minnesota

Kansas City at Oakland

Aaron: In their Week #2 match-up, the Chiefs outgained the Raiders in total yards (409 to 166), while JaMarcus Russell completed less than 30% of his passes. And, the Raiders won! Ugh. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: I'd pledged to pick the opposite of you in this game no matter what. I'm sticking by that. while holding my nose. Pick: Oakland

Dallas at Green Bay

Aaron: Sure looks like Tony Romo has raised expectations again. Couple of good games, Cowboy fans have stopped calling for his head. I've seen this pattern before. Now, wet the bed, Romo. Wet it! Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Dallas's defense continues to look uncharacteristically strong. Green Bay's offensive line might as well be riding lawn mowers in Mississippi. This could get broken-bone-y for Aaron Rodgers. Pick: Dallas

Philadelphia at San Diego

Aaron: No team can turn a gift-wrapped, unimpressive win like last week's vs. the Giants into a season-turning burst of momentum like the Chargers. In January, you'll all be wondering why you believed in this team. Pick: San Diego

Joe: The two most "never as dead as you think they are" teams. Also the two most "never as dominant as you think they'll be" teams. Last time the Eagles came out west, they lost to Oakland. OAKLAND! Pick: San Diego

Seattle at Arizona

Aaron: Earlier this week, I stumbled across ESPN showing highlights of former Seahawk Shaun Alexander running roughshod over the league earlier this decade. Few things have made me feel older. It felt like 40 years ago. Pick: Arizona

Joe: How 'bout remembering that Alexander was drafted the same year Arizona drafted Thomas Jones. That stint almost seemed like it never happened. Pick: Arizona

New England at Indianapolis

Aaron: I don't know how much impact a head coach has in the NFL, but in their first head-to-head match-up, I'm leaning towards the hoodied curmudgeon over the Negro neophyte. Pick: New England

Joe: Damn it, Cam. All signs do seem to be pointing to New England here. The injuries for Indianapolis, the law of averages, my own personal Murphy's Law. And yet, I feel like I should be contrary here. Pick: Indianapolis

Baltimore at Cleveland

Aaron: Jesus, how long can the Browns milk national TV appearances off of their 10-6 season from a few years back? Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Oh, it's not like anybody watches Monday Night Football anymore. Pick: Baltimore

Confidence Pickin' (with current scores):

Joe (31): Falcons (-1.5) over PANTHERS; Ravens (-10.5) over BROWNS; VIKINGS (-16.5) over Lions

Aaron (27): Chiefs (+2) over RAIDERS; Falcons (-1.5) over PANTHERS; CHARGERS (-1.5) over Eagles

Tom (21): Falcons (-1.5) over PANTHERS; DOLPHINS (-10) over Bucs; Bengals (+7) over STEELERS

TBG TV: FOX's Animation Domination – 11/08/2009

2009-11-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday's Rankings (5-3-2-1 scoring)

(1) Family Guy ("Brian's Got a Brand New Bag") - On the increasingly rare occasions when this show maintains a semblance of focus for its 22 minutes of airtime, good things can happen. The rapid-fire old jokes ("Has anybody made a Jessica Tandy joke? I'll be right down!") consistently killed me. I especially dug the meandering final scene with its old-fashioned furniture names and Brian's expletive-filled finish. Not a fan of the show's occasional need to fill its first act with a ridiculous Peter story (Road House!) just to set the rest of the episode up, though.

(2) American Dad! ("Man in the Moonbounce") - Started slow, but finished strong. The set-up with Stan's "inner child" was essentially – and annoyingly – the same character as Family Guy's Peter Griffin, but things got rolling once the scene shifted to prison. Also liked Steve's ascension to the head of the household and loved Roger's sabotage of Stan's parole hearing.

(3) The Cleveland Show ("Cleveland Jr's Cherry Bomb") - Started strong, but finished abominable. Here's a shock: the minor league baseball stuff ("…guys I've never heard of, who don't play very well…") brought the funny. Nothing else worked. I mean, I'm old enough to have watched Flip Wilson (in syndication! in syndication!) and the church sequence smothered in dated Black catchphrases was awful. And, then there was Cleveland's rap solo. "Do the Bartman" it was not.

(4) Family Guy ("Hannah Banana") - Hey, it's the return of that Family Guy plot staple: the "real" celebrity who acts TOTALLY different from their "real" public persona! And, we can now officially proclaim all Miley Cyrus jokes are as old as Miley Cyrus. Even worse, in the secondary story, the writers finally closed the loop on the "evil monkey" running gag, but without any discernable payoff. The monkey's really just misunderstood? Boo!

Not Receiving Votes - I only caught about three minutes of Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show. Was the rest of the show as unwatchable as the 180 seconds I saw? I watched a bit of the Marlee Matlin thing and the "Cleveland" bleeping thing. Did it get worse? It couldn't have, right?

MVP: I lost count at the number of times I glanced towards Mrs. Bootleg whenever Rita (Brian's middle-aged love interest in the "Brand New Bag" episode) did or said something "old". Hit too close to home – wait, other men are sent out on superfluous prescription runs at odd hours? – for me not to acknowledge it.

Quote of the Night: "We'll put you in the '80s so you look hot. Now, get in the van with Kelly McGillis." – God to Ellen Barkin (Family Guy)

Current Standings

The Simpsons – 15
The Cleveland Show – 14
American Dad! – 14
Family Guy – 11

How Well Do You Remember My Wedding?

2009-11-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

(1) Ten days BEFORE the wedding, Aaron infinitesimally increased his future wife's stress level when he:

(a) Harmlessly lost his soon-to-be wedding band for 24 or maybe 48 hours.
(b) Nonchalantly drove right into a pole while on his way to work.
(c) Innocently no-showed the final, mandatory "spiritual counseling" session for engaged couples.
(d) Respectfully invited an ex-girlfriend to the wedding.

(2) Two days BEFORE the wedding, who did Aaron meet for the very first time?

(a) Mrs. Bootleg's father.
(b) Mrs. Bootleg's mother.
(c) Mrs. Bootleg's little brother.
(d) All of the above.

(3) After driving 800 miles from Utah to San Diego, where did Aaron's future father-in-law want to go more than any place else after arriving at Stately Bootleg Manor?

(a) San Diego Zoo
(b) Historic Balboa Park
(c) Downtown San Diego
(d) Popeye's Chicken

(4) How was the weather in San Diego on the day before and the day of our wedding?

(a) Sunny and 78 degrees.
(b) Sunny and 75 degrees.
(c) Sunny and 70 degrees.
(d) Monsoon.

(5) Who got the better end of the "wedding party" gifts?

(a) The Bridesmaids (bracelets from Tiffany's).
(b) The Groomsmen (engraved baseball bats).

(6) What happens when you hold an evening wedding on a rainy night in a hard-to-find location down winding and poorly lit roads?

(a) The photographers will be running "a little late", but they'll be there "in 10 minutes" (told to you 20 minutes ago).
(b) Slick-soled, rented groomsmen shoes will provide all kinds of comedy when used to show elderly Black aunts to their seats across a wet floor.
(c) Half of your invited guests will blow off the ceremony entirely in favor of an early start to the much easier-to-find open bar at the wedding reception.
(d) Several ethnic women passionately discussing the economics of the hair-care industry in relation to the inclement weather and its impact on the care of their hair.

(7) If you're REALLY going to rent a limousine, should the distance between the site of the ceremony and the site of the reception be more or less than the 1.6 miles between our locales?

(a) More.
(b) More.

(8) The first time I heard this Nate Dogg song, I turned to the then-future Mrs. Bootleg and said THIS is the song I want to introduce us at our wedding reception. And, it did. What was it?

(a) Nobody Does It Better, featuring Warren G.
(b) Never Leave Me Alone, featuring Snoop Dogg
(c) Where I Wanna Be, featuring Shade Sheist & Kurupt
(d) Dirty H*** Draws

(9) Which of the following did NOT occur during the best man's speech?

(a) Champagne spilled from his too-full glass as his unsteady, inebriated hands shook from nervousness. And, inebriation.
(b) He stopped his speech for a solid 10 seconds after uttering the words, "Y'know, there's an old saying…" before actually remember the "old saying".
(c) He inexplicably referenced The Fabulous Freebirds (Don't ask…just, don't.)
(d) He "inadvertently" palmed most of Mrs. Bootleg's breast while struggling through the always challenging "hugs the bride after the speech is over" part.

(10) Which of the following did NOT occur during the remainder of the best man's evening?

(a) He kissed the groom with his scratchy, never-could-quite-grow-in goatee.
(b) He stuffed a dollar bill down the pants of a married woman in attendance…who was innocently dancing on a chair at the time.
(c) He "inadvertently" palmed most of Mrs. Bootleg's breast while struggling to pin a dollar on Mrs. Bootleg's breast during the "money dance".
(d) "Just water for me, thanks!"

(11) Every table at our wedding was named after a baseball player. At the end of the night, which of the following items did our ten guests at the "Deion Sanders" table NOT steal from the "Deion Sanders" table?

(a) Ten blue cloth napkins which, early in the evening, ended up doo-ragged around their heads.
(b) The not-exactly inexpensive "Deion Sanders" table placard.
(c) Wait, Deion Sanders played baseball? When?
(d) …for what team?

(12) Which ONE of these life events actually outranks my wedding day?

(a) Oakland A's win the 1989 World Championship.
(b) Back-to-back "writer of the year" recognition for my work on the old Friday Music News Bootleg column.
(c) The birth of this lightly-read blog.
(d) Jalen Cameron: T-Ball A's.

Answers: 1(b); 2(d); 3(d); 4(d); 5(b); 6(c); 7(a) or (b); 8 (a); 9(d); 10(d); 11 (Yes, he DID play baseball, jerk. And, both (a) and (b) were stolen.); 12(!)

TBG (Finally) Sees: Paranormal Activity

2009-11-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

Of all the "holidays" that married people "celebrate" – and, trust me on this – anniversaries are the first to go. The wedding anniversary is just Valentine's Day minus the toxic possibility of biting into a cherry cordial as you pick through the last remains of that heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Mrs. Bootleg and I celebrated 2,557 days (sigh) of marriage this past weekend. And, somewhere between our first wedding anniversary and the seventh, "celebrating our anniversary" turned into "going to the movies…and, then MAYBE getting a drink afterwards, if we're not too tired".

Much to my surprise, Mrs. Bootleg agreed to see "Paranormal Activity". Y'see, when it comes to movies, my wife requires four things: an easy-to-follow exposition, an uncomplicated conflict, a climax that ties up EVERY loose end and – most importantly – at least one actor she can recognize.

Just one peek at the previews and it was clear that Mrs. Bootleg would not be 4 for 4 on this night. So, why on earth would she be interested in something like this? My answer came as we settled into our seats, 20 minutes prior to the start of the movie, as she turned to me – in all sincerity – and asked:

"So, what's this movie about?"

Good: Hey, it's set in San Diego! 619, represent! Booyaka! Booyaka!

Not-So-Good: The film opens with "thanks" to the families of the fictional characters and the San Diego Police Department. The whole "this is all real" conceit made sense – kind of – in a film like Cloverfield. Considering where this movie ends up, I'm not sure it worked here.

Good: The final five – maybe ten – minutes are terrific. They serve as a satisfying sprint to the finish line and pay off on almost every plot point, including the subtle (an unaware Katie occasionally watching over Micah while he sleeps) and not-so-subtle (that damn camera).

Not-So-Good: I will grant that passable character development in a movie where the protagonists are as in-the-dark (see what I did there?) as the audience may be too much to ask. But, Katie and Micah were all over the map, sometimes. Why was Micah so loyal to Katie? Was it love? If so, why was he so quick to defy her at multiple points in the movie? Did he believe the "demon" theory? Then, why was he so dismissive of the ghost-chasing doctor or so nonchalant when the target of the unseen beast's ire became readily evident in the scene with the broken, defaced picture frame? And, why was Micah rushing to look behind shower curtains and climb into attics. What the hell was he going to do if he found this…"thing"?

Good: The entire scene involving the psychic's second visit to the house was phenomenal and in refreshing contrast to the nonsensical instinct to run towards the danger. Smart guy senses danger, smart guy gets the hell out. He even throws in some of the best-delivered, least comforting words of support he could muster on his way out the door. Brilliant.

Not-So-Good: This spirit has been following Katie around – off and on – since she was eight years old. 15(?) years later, she can't sleep, ~~she can't eat~~ and she's clearly losing her mind. After the psychic initially refers her to a demonologist, why does she wait two or three weeks to call the guy? Fine, this is explained in the movie, but it's a stupid explanation.

Not-So-Good: I liked "The Blair Witch Project" and aside from the similar camera-y aspects, I don't know that I agree with those who are quick to compare the two. The claustrophobic feel of "Blair Witch" was like a gradual reduction of the screen from vast expanse of forest to the final scene where the post-nasal drip chick gets it. From the get-go, it already feels like I'm staring through a shoebox in "Paranormal". It's a fine line between "tension" and "suffocation".

Not-So-Good: And, then there was Katie's sister. You remember Katie's sister? Halfway through the film, it's established that Katie's kid sister heard and saw everything that Katie went through as a child. Hell, they shared a room! Yet, somehow, this fairly significant plot point was never revisited. Not even in a "she died in the fire" cheap-out attempt to make the audience forget about her. Why mention her at all?

Verdict: I wanted to like "Paranormal Activity". Really, I did! Unfortunately, I found myself audibly at odds with the characters and the plot far too often to enjoy it.