tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73339916496723039722024-02-19T07:27:04.738-08:00That Bootleg GuyThe Goodness Continues...Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.comBlogger1255125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-7209273850013492552022-06-25T15:48:00.000-07:002022-06-25T15:48:31.409-07:00#RanchoBirdnardo<p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Those of you who’ve stumbled across this lightly-read
blog for the 15+ years(!) it’s been around surely know my son Jalen’s comic
book origin story. He was born nine weeks premature. He spent five weeks in the
NICU, then for six months after THAT, he was hooked up to a portable heart
monitor. I’ve shared the beginnings of my boy so many times that most of you
could probably finish writing this paragraph for me. Jalen weighed an ounce
over three pounds when he arrived on a sunny 66-degree afternoon, seven weeks
into a typical San Diego winter.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Babies are supposed to be cherubic. J looked emaciated –
the overt outline of his rib cage is the one image I’ll always remember. Jalen
didn’t <i>cry</i> cry when he was born. Instead, he released a
single yelp as if someone had interrupted the most gratifying nap in the
history of humanity. I was a puddle of tears as this point and my wife was
propped up over a pool of her own blood (as is – apparently – the style for C-sections).
My reflexive aversion took my eyes away from the cataclysm of plasma over
<i>there</i> and to the other side of the room where Jalen was
immediately assimilated into every medical invention of the electronic age.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Someone yelled out, “97!” Another nurse, apparently
incredulous, responded, “97?” I didn’t recognize most of the words being thrown
around the delivery room that day, but, dammit, I still knew my numbers. And,
with all the confidence I could muster, I meekly asked, “What’s that mean?” It
was explained to me that J’s lung capacity was at 97% and, yes, I responded by
asking, “Is that good?”</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">At 31 weeks, preemies – on average – hover around 50% of
normal newborn lung capacity. I can confirm that 97% is, in fact, “good”.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Jalen overcame so many obstacles – physical, internal,
developmental – in the first few years of his life that I fell into one of the
pitfalls of parenting. At some point, I started focusing on the finish line
instead of the circuitous medical and therapeutic paths my son had to traverse.
J had literally been fighting his entire life – hell, at times, fighting FOR
his life – but, along the way, I unintentionally began to take his gumption for
granted. J became an archetypal teenager full of monosyllabic brooding and a
bottomless pit of 20,000 calories/day. But, it’s taken the last 12 months for
his dumb ol’ dad to remember there’s nothing “typical” about this kid.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">After catching for more than seven years, Jalen and his
coaches agreed that his best path to playing on the high school varsity team
was as an outfielder. J got spot starts in the outfield all the time during his
catching days. It was always an uncomfortable watch. He was a CATCHER playing
OUTFIELD. How the hell do you THINK it went? I’m not saying my wife and I would
pray that the ball wouldn’t be hit to him, but when baby Jesus inevitably
ignored our pleas, we’d both hold our breath so dramatically that it became one
of those running jokes between the other families in our vicinity.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Last July, Jalen played in the first tournament of his
final travel ball season.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">By this point, J’s catching days were well into the
rearview mirror. He made varsity as a junior, but his team was so loaded that
he only came to the plate nine times. And, about half of those at bats were
because of a midseason COVID outbreak inside our starting lineup that <i>probably</i>
should have shut the program down. (lol @ global pandemics tho amirite guys)
Jalen played all three outfield spots – often as a late-inning defensive
replacement, which spoke to (a) how far he’d come with the glove and (b) the
reality of last year’s starting outfield that featured a natural third baseman,
pitcher and DH, from right to left, whose impressive bats won out over their
gloves.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">So…one more time.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Did I mention it was the FIRST tournament of the summer?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Did I mention it was the FIRST inning?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Did I mention it was the FIRST batter?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Jalen was playing centerfield and immediately saw a
screaming line drive headed his way. Centerfield defense can be tricky
considering the amount of ground needed to cover and the fact that fly balls
often aren’t angling in a way that gives the defender enough time to read it
and run to a spot to play it. It’s the quintessential instinctive position and
Jalen’s instincts brought him running in. By the time he hit the brakes, it was
too late. As the ball whistled past him with the momentum of C. Montgomery Burns’
<a href="https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/95afbf1f-599a-4bbf-ba73-59b5dd26edcd">failed gubernatorial campaign</a>, Jalen’s knee buckled atop the faux Kentucky
Bluegrass-blend underneath his feet.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">He missed the next three weeks as the doctors couldn’t
accurately assess the damage until the swelling went down. During this time,
the only thing that seemed to lift Jalen’s spirits were the obligatory
<strike>barbecues</strike> roasts on my dime:</span></p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en"><span style="font-family: verdana;">*17 y/o son with injured knee elevated, playing video game*<br /><br />Me: Have fun doing nothing all day.<br /><br />Son: Thank you.<br /><br />Me:<br /><br />Son: Have fun at work.<br /><br />Me:<br /><br />Son: Go make us that money.<br /><br />Me:<br /><br />Son: Run along. Don't be late.<br /><br />Me:</span></p><span style="font-family: verdana;">— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/1413155527429787653?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 8, 2021</a></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: verdana;"> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>J played off-and-on for the rest of the summer – mostly as
the designated hitter – as we crisscrossed the Southern California travel ball
tournament circuit. When the calendar came ‘round to whatever we call “autumn”
out here, the Cam Fam found ourselves in Arizona during “homecoming weekend” at
J’s high school. An elaborate plan was hatched involving planes,
<strike>trains</strike> and automobiles that would ensure our son made it
back to San Diego before the weekend was out. Oh, and speaking of “out”:<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Here's the at-bat when J got beaned. It's a tough watch, to be sure, but, then a thing happened. I hope you'll indulge me for a moment... <a href="https://t.co/JNbCDlFNno">pic.twitter.com/JNbCDlFNno</a></p>— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/1444672375966998530?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 3, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>He was fine! He made it back to San Diego for homecoming!
Please don’t show this to my mom!</span><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">In November, with Jalen’s knee still smarting, we got him
in for an MRI. He was diagnosed with a torn right patellar tendon. He’d been
playing on it for about three months and the doctor gave us two options: (a)
surgery – but, without an idea on how long the recovery would be until after
any procedure or (b) physical therapy/pain management.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">M’man Andy and pretty much all the other Little League
baseball dads still give me good-natured sh t from the time J was 9 y/o and
batting late in a playoff game. He fouled a ball in the dirt which ricocheted
off his face. As the legend goes, it’s believed I caught Jalen in my
overprotective arms before he hit the ground. A few years later, Jalen was
catching in the bottom of the last inning in a tournament game. With two outs,
the two-strike pitch in the dirt was swung on and missed. It got J
<i>good</i> in the groin. As he writhed in abject agony, the runner
was lumbering to first base. I helpfully coached from behind the backstop, “Goddammit,
get up and throw to first!” And, he did! Then, he collapsed like a kid’s
sandcastle in the surf.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">(Space constraints keep me from mentioning the multiple
concussions from a cavalcade of catcher collisions at home plate, so let’s keep
it moving. Cool? Cool.)</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">The point is that baseball has kept Jalen on the business
end of occasional medical observation, but this was well beyond “walking it off”
or the ubiquitous “rub some dirt on it” prescription. J had to put in the work
with PT – strengthening the surrounding area of the injury – if he had any hope
of playing in his final high school season. And, even though his attitude was
terrible (“It’s not working!”, “It still hurts!”, “Can I skip this week’s PT?”)
he began to see some progress after a quick confab with his dad:</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Me: How was practice?</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Jalen: It sucked. My knee hurts like hell.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Me: *looks down* Are…you wearing the knee braces that the
doctor told you to wear?</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Jalen: No.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Me:</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">The varsity baseball roster situation was almost as
obvious. Last year’s team graduated a ton of talent, but for all intents and
purposes, there was just one open starting spot heading into the spring season –
in the outfield. There were six seniors – including Jalen – in the competition
for that one job. J missed the first week of the six-week “winter ball” season,
but played in the remaining five games (even though he
<i>technically</i> didn’t have medical clearance – but, again,
guys: don’t tell my mom).</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">By the end of winter ball, one of the seniors in the mix
(not Jalen) had separated himself from the pack. The always-gossiping cadre of high
school baseball <i>padres</i> -- an honorable group of men who
routinely talk sh t about you and your kids behind your back – respectfully agreed
that the right decision was made in that regard. But, on opening day, who was ALSO
in the outfield (and medically cleared!), starting in right and wearing the resplendent wedding gown
white/bronco blue home uniform? We see you, <a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2017/08/aarons-ifaq-7-heretofore-untold-origin.html">J-bird</a>!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">BUT…he wasn’t batting. The DH hit in
<i>his</i> spot. This happened a few times the previous season, so
it was at least negligibly easier for me and Mrs. Bootleg to charge it to the
game. Jalen’s first at bat of his senior year came a game or two later and he
promptly singled to right field. He’d singled and doubled in his first two at
bats early during his junior season – in which he’d finish 2 for 9 – so, I made
every effort to film it on my phone and savor the scene. As of this writing, I’ve
watched it 10,000 times, give or take.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">There is an inherent dichotomy that comprises the rosters
of every team sport. It’s ostensibly a meritocracy – except when it isn’t. One
player’s bad luck is another player’s good fortune. An unexpected opportunity
can be snatched away as fast as it was be bestowed, thanks to a performance unfairly
predicated on a small sample size. In this case, due to one teammate’s serious
injury and some additional circumstances elsewhere in the lineup, Jalen found
himself in something of a job share for the right field job.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">This went on for a few weeks, until the job was Jalen’s
alone.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">If you play baseball long enough, you’ll inevitably burn
hot as hell at times. Maybe for a few weeks. Sometimes for a month or two.
During Little League All Stars in 2014, J led the team in RBI and threw out
three of four runners who tried to steal. Fast forward a few years later, at a
Memorial Day weekend tournament in the blast furnace of Perris, J went 10 for
14. But, for these four months of his senior season? Whew,
buddy. It was 16 weeks of clutch hits, highlight-reel defense and choreographed
postgame dance celebrations with his fellow outfielders immediately after the
last out.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Jalen hit .326 during the regular season and in our
second playoff win, he drove in the second run and scored the third and final
run in a 3-0 victory. That third run came on a sacrifice fly in which Jalen
slid safely ahead of the tag, then sprang to his feet and celebrated – briefly!
– over the fallen corpse of the catcher. J took several steps in the opposite
direction of his dugout – sneering at the opposing fans while maintaining his
stride – then peacocking back to his boys on the third base side. Both benches
were warned, as the umpires tried to diffuse the tension. Meanwhile, in the
stands, the opposing parents were chirping that Jalen’s slide was dirty and
that he was a dirty player. This brought me and Mrs. Bootleg to our feet with
what may or may not have been an open challenge for a mixed tag team match
against any mom and dad who wanted to [quote] <i>talk your sh t over here!...talk
your sh t over here!</i> [unquote]</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Before their season ended in the CIF Regional Semifinals,
the team held their postseason banquet. At the end of the evening, the coaches
recognized and honored the seniors:</span></p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none"><p dir="ltr" lang="en"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Sharing that with all y'all, so I can share this video from the high school baseball postseason banquet. <a href="https://t.co/SdRxj2hNW2">pic.twitter.com/SdRxj2hNW2</a></span></p><span style="font-family: verdana;">— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/1535986462155370496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 12, 2022</a></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: verdana;"> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>72 hours after his last high school baseball game, Jalen
had his rematch with the MRI machine. It was important to ascertain how much
more – if any – damage J might have sustained to his knees.</span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">The hope was to avoid surgery if they weren’t much worse
than six months ago.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">The reality was that he’d not only torn the patellar
tendon in his OTHER knee, but at some point during the season, Jalen had torn
his right ACL, as well.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">I was approaching the apex of the biggest hill that abuts
Stately Bootleg Manor, walking our 15-lb mostly-decorative dog, when Mrs.
Bootleg sent me the MRI results. For a minute or two (or three), I couldn’t tell
where the dampness from San Diego’s early morning marine layer began and where
the dampness from my eyes ended.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">What happens next is anyone’s guess.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">J wants to keep playing and he’s been in contact with
some local JUCO coaches. He has a not-insignificant procedure at the end of
June to address at least some of his knee issues. From there, it’s up to the
baseball gods and the indomitable determination of the same 9 y/o who told me
he wanted to be a catcher – and I doubted he could; the same 15 y/o who told me
he needed to become an outfielder – and I doubted he could; the same 17 y/o who
meticulously selected his pre-at bat walk-up music months before the start of
his senior season, fully expecting to be in the starting lineup of the most
storied high school baseball program in the county and finishing the year as an all-league honorable mention.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Take it from his dumb ol’ dad – don’t bet against the
Bird.</span></p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none"><p dir="ltr" lang="en"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Sharing THAT with all y'all, so you know that my son is my hero. <a href="https://t.co/y3Il0zO3Zj">pic.twitter.com/y3Il0zO3Zj</a></span></p><span style="font-family: verdana;">— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/1535986467884781568?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">June 12, 2022</a></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: verdana;"> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script></span><p></p>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-33703131828640942762021-01-22T15:46:00.002-08:002021-01-22T15:46:57.266-08:00He Had a Hammer<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr1K-EMiy2ODfkzm7OUrhM6camsnjyflxWu0wR6TQPFDJhOyZGYEbJVB-uvSr3MCn9y1il9B0h_YMVAdf0sdZZm12F9WOFRIoNok38pQcHrfkxuouii-AynYdiqAeF7oi1VD89Ma2LQHa9/s1080/j+tweet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1006" data-original-width="1080" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr1K-EMiy2ODfkzm7OUrhM6camsnjyflxWu0wR6TQPFDJhOyZGYEbJVB-uvSr3MCn9y1il9B0h_YMVAdf0sdZZm12F9WOFRIoNok38pQcHrfkxuouii-AynYdiqAeF7oi1VD89Ma2LQHa9/s320/j+tweet.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Henry (Hank) Aaron was the
first legendary athlete I remember learning about. I don’t know how Black
History Month is taught in elementary schools today, but in the late 1970s and
early 1980s, the teachers made it feel like a begrudgingly obligatory lesson plan for a few fleeting
afternoons. Every year, the cardboard cutouts of a lone snowflake or a “Happy New
Year” sash symbolizing January on the classroom corkboard gave way to hearts
and cupids for February. Over in the corner, though! – That’s where the
sun-hastened aging of the images of Dr. Martin Luther King, Booker T. Washington and
Harriet Tubman were stapled aloft for the umpteenth time.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Back then, there were only
two or three athletes who your local school board <i>might</i>
elevate to the exalted time-killing status of “biographical worksheet”. Althea
Gibson was one because (a) she deserved it and (b) for the box she allowed
teachers to check in the nascent days of the modern gender-equity movement.
Henry Aaron was the other – presumably due to the recency effect over Jackie
Robinson and the fact that the deification of Muhammad Ali – at least by a certain
demographic – was always inversely proportional to the state of his health and
the base in his voice.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span>Of course, Aaron’s life –
as taught to us from that generation – was wildly whitewashed and distilled
down to “born in Mobile, Alabama”, “played for the Braves” and “broke Babe
Ruth’s home run record”. Sadly, today, even with the benefit of both societal
hindsight AND actual insight </span><span><a href="https://ftw.usatoday.com/2021/01/hank-aaron-searing-quote-on-racism-he-faced-shouldnt-be-forgotten" target="_blank">from the man himself</a></span><span>, the abhorrent racism that rained down upon him is wrongly
viewed as something Aaron “ignored” or “overcame” and not the steadfast Faustian
Bargain of being a black man in America.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span>After hearing the news of
Aaron’s passing, I thought of </span><span><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-7-up-eulogy.html" target="_blank">my grandfather</a></span><span>. When I was five-years-old, he got me one of those rickety
plastic pitching “machines”. It might’ve been </span><span><a href="https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/remco-reggie-jackson-bat-away-1871882615" target="_blank">this one</a></span><span> for all my memory can recollect these days. He put it
together, we headed to a vacant lot – which hadn’t yet gone extinct in southern
California – and before long all the neighborhood kids were playing a pick-up
game. A couple of years later, I remember my grandfather watching a KTTV
broadcast of his beloved Dodgers and going on and on about Houston Astros’
star-crossed fireballer J.R. Richard. My parents <i>hated</i>
baseball, so my love for the game is mostly my grandfather’s fault.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Like Aaron, both my
grandfather and father grew up under the tyrannical tenets of the Jim Crow
south – America’s offspring of her Original Sin. And, neither the “National
Pastime” for Aaron nor the decades of military service for my pops and grandpa
were enough for large swaths of this country to consider beyond the color of
their skin. (I won’t get into the unspeakable indignities my grandfather withstood
from his white countrymen in the U.S. Navy, but my pops once told me that
“Don’t salute no n*gger” was an acceptable unwritten rule in the Marines when
he enlisted in 1968 and lasted…well, you probably don’t wanna hear about that.)</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Of course, I thought about
my 16-year-old son Jalen. I’ve shared his entire life with you guys – first in
my old Bootleg music column from before he was born through an assortment of
social media platforms today. He’s a high school junior. He’s driving. He can
eat three pounds of chicken wings in a single sitting. HE WEIGHED THREE POUNDS
WHEN HE WAS BORN.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">He’s also a baseball
player. He’s my favorite baseball player.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">And, there’s a direct line
from Henry Aaron to the opportunities afforded every black ballplayer who took
up the fight out of obligation and chased their dream out of love and desire.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Jalen Cameron is a black
baseball player.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Those opportunities are so
precious, friends. And, always be mindful of who you’re entrusting with their
dreams. The best advice I ever received was from another baseball dad who had a
son a few years older than Jalen. “Get that boy around black baseball coaches
whenever you can”, he said. “He needs to learn shit from dudes who have seen
shit.”</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span>I guess that’s why Aaron’s
death has hit me so hard. The Hammer bludgeoned those ghosts of the
not-so-distant-past so men like </span><span><a href="https://www.baseball-reference.com/register/player.fcgi?id=sander001tra" target="_blank">Tracy Sanders</a> </span>– <span>who clubbed nearly 200 professional home runs – could impart hitting
wisdom to my son since Jalen was five-years-old. And, then there’s <a href="https://www.baseball-reference.com/register/player.fcgi?id=jones-004ken" target="_blank">Kennard Jones</a> </span><span>– a third-round draft
pick of the Padres in 2002 – who also has worked with J at the plate and
mentored him to fight to stay <i>behind</i> it for as long as he
can, knowing that black catchers are cruelly considered anomalous.</span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">As we approach the second
year in the grip of this worldwide pandemic, I wonder – and worry – how many
games my son has left to play. I wonder – and worry – about the world my wife
and I are about to send J into after his baseball gear bag is inevitably buried
in our backyard – a noxious disembodied essence left to haunt our neighbors’
open windows on warm summer nights. In that same world, Henry Aaron was
objectively the best of humanity and endured the worst of it. When I think of
my son, I know Henry’s hammer is in good hands.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Again, thank you, sir.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZRU8VwQlV2eVuIfAE1OtfsSRRIplvxYzFciZLbcb3fWX77MdcdRvOve6W3-MGJkEqvR5QMVGP3jf7K1bH_02LFAjsHv9N0GRPetHrPxWomoAS2CxZYbQFJmZvBBpnvbXm7xMBZcYNx6Xu/s2048/j+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1689" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZRU8VwQlV2eVuIfAE1OtfsSRRIplvxYzFciZLbcb3fWX77MdcdRvOve6W3-MGJkEqvR5QMVGP3jf7K1bH_02LFAjsHv9N0GRPetHrPxWomoAS2CxZYbQFJmZvBBpnvbXm7xMBZcYNx6Xu/s320/j+pic.jpg" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span><p></p>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-11019153195694353482020-05-05T13:08:00.002-07:002020-05-05T13:08:29.311-07:00The Little League Team That (Might’ve, Probably, Kinda-Sorta) Saved Me<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Anyone remember 2013?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Seven (hundred) years ago, I was not in a very good
place.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">“Worse than our current apocalyptic pandemic hellscape?”,
you might skeptically ask?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">“Shaddap and enjoy this f-ing uplifting AND FREE goddam material”,
I gently reply.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You see, I didn’t realize it at the time, but like a lot
of people from a certain </span><a href="https://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion/2019/11/04/commentary/world-commentary/u-s-baseball-fans-old-white/#.XrG9J3nsY2w" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">historically underserved and/or outright ignored demographic</span></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">, I needed baseball.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I’ve written about the reasons why on other social media
platforms, but I was recently reminded of the 10 young men who pulled me
through the first few months of that year. A week or so ago, my inbox was
served an innocuous slice of spam from a Shutterfly account I created way back
when. Like today’s other photo-centric medium, the Shutterfly folks offer
infrequent reminders of the “memories” you’ve made along the way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKUsghsVL5UA_Ds9kjaaIhLjzMgiyxw_BpzQ_o5mpf27klCMBleLTKgk-Y1OcpNvph5tWIjuvjwk2xWyS8tXqgPYY0GC8j5A8ymdckLxzlJp8_4DoyqPfpsoLySiOEwVoYq34Fk96FXq9d/s1600/9927E453-C07C-466D-8D2A-D86E2E21DE26.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="640" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKUsghsVL5UA_Ds9kjaaIhLjzMgiyxw_BpzQ_o5mpf27klCMBleLTKgk-Y1OcpNvph5tWIjuvjwk2xWyS8tXqgPYY0GC8j5A8ymdckLxzlJp8_4DoyqPfpsoLySiOEwVoYq34Fk96FXq9d/s400/9927E453-C07C-466D-8D2A-D86E2E21DE26.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The picture in the body of the email featured the 2013
Rancho Bernardo Little League A’s sprinting towards the outfield after
completing the postgame handshake line. Since I’m closer to 50 than 15, it took
me a minute (or thirty) to retrieve my old password to access my account…and
then create a new password when I got locked out of my account…and then IM through
to a solution with customer service when I screwed THAT up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, after feeling like the world’s oldest doddering
negro through that technological ordeal, the dozens of pictures that I could
now access from our family’s recent history took me back to a time and place
that pushed me past a lot of pain.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Those A’s were born on a rainy Saturday in January. The
other “Minors” division managers and I met to draft our teams. One weekend
earlier, we’d collectively braved one of those southern California “winter”
mornings that starts out at 38 degrees and ends up around 88. Tryouts are a
trip, man. Grown men in lawn chairs positioned precariously at the lip of where
the infield dirt kisses the outfield grass. We’re armed with clipboards,
notepads and perpetual poker faces – lest ANYONE betray their emotions on that
seventh-round sleeper you hope slips to you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(Before we proceed, I need to ONCE AGAIN remind you guys
that Little League Baseball EXPLICITLY prohibits discussing “draft room”
information and the release of such privileged information can result in
discipline up to – and including – the loss of the local league’s charter. So,
pretend I’m WHISPERING the next couple of paragraphs, people.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I drew the short straw, so I picked last in the first
round. The upside, though, is that (1) I’d have back-to-back picks throughout
in the “snake” draft format and (2) I’d have first choice in team name. Heh.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My first pick was a kid named <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jack</b>. He’d become one of my favorite players I’ve ever coached.
Aside from his off-the-charts athleticism, he was the son of a Marine, so
instead of “coach”, he called me “sir”. I followed that up by taking <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Michael</b>. I didn’t know anything about
him beforehand, but I soon learned that I’d chosen wisely when, after the
draft, two other managers approached me and made trade offers for him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The
manager’s kid is always designated as the third round pick, so be sure to
derisively remind <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jalen</b> that he wasn’t
a first or second-rounder next time you see him. Each manager can claim one of
his coach’s kids as a fourth round pick. This, for me, landed <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Bennett </b>– the son of two NCAA Division I
athletes who exuded confidence for days. All of the days, actually.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the fifth round, I selected <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jordan</b>. He was an 11-year-old who played in the Minors division the
year before and – surprisingly – was not drafted into Majors (the highest
Little League level for age-eligible players). I explicitly remember the order
of my first five picks, but the specifics of the next five are a bit fuzzy. In
fact, we actually had to redo the ENTIRE draft a day later because the league
president erroneously allowed a geographically ineligible player in the
original pool.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">While sportsmanship is ostensibly the heartbeat of Little
League, its main arteries regularly leak with the congealed drip of gossiping.
Not long after the draft, I was told that Jordan’s spot on my team might be in
jeopardy. He and his family were understandably disappointed that he wasn’t
playing in Majors. I didn’t have the frame of reference to determine whether or
not he deserved to play a level higher, but from the perspective of a
prepubescent’s pride? It’s loosely akin to being held back a grade.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To his credit, Jordan showed up at our first practice. He
was at least a full head taller than anyone else and – I can now say – he
should’ve been playing at a level higher. Ten minutes in and it was clear he
was the best player on the field. I’m not sure what happened at tryouts, but
the entire upper division whiffed on him. I pulled him aside after that first
practice and asked him to be the leader of this team. I genuinely empathized
with his earlier disappointment and he seemed to appreciate that. Jordan
accepted my request with a terse “Sure, coach” and added, “Anything you need”.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jordan’s maturity belied his age and I was fortunate to
have two such kids on this squad. Early on, Michael established himself as the
team’s starting catcher. Around this time, my son Jalen had asked to get some
reps behind the plate, too. Today, if you ask Jalen, he’ll tell you that I
openly doubted his ability, determination and fortitude to play the most
physically demanding position on the field. (And, I did!) Who knew, though,
that Michael would take J under his wing and show him the techniques behind the
“tools of ignorance”?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Even at this juvenile level, players are fiercely
protective of their positions. And, here was Michael – with his own catcher’s
gear and just a year older than Jalen – taking time during practices to mentor
the player who might cut into his playing time. Hell, Michael’s dad Jason – who
was my other assistant coach – even supported my son. I’ll never be able to
fully express my gratitude to these two for their selflessness. At the
infinitely more competitive travel ball and high school levels – where J now
plays – parents actively (and not always secretly) root
</span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">against</i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> anyone who might usurp their son’s spot. If y’all
ever see me in these streets, ask me to tell you about the time last year when
Jalen was on the bench and his back-up [REDACTED].</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Aside from the above, my fondest memory of those
preseason practices was the “boot camp club” that Jack’s mom started. Several
of the other A’s moms – including Mrs. Bootleg – would be working out just
beyond the outfield wall while their sons sweated it out for two hours under
the sun. And, lest you think everyone in the Cam Fam was exercising
<i>except</i> me, I can assure that the ONLY shade to sit in was
alongside some trees that were located a short WALK and UP a slight INCLINE
from the field. And, have any of you have ever tried to sit on an upside-down
orange bucket from Home Depot? Woo, lawd, those booty indentations.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Believe it or not, I don’t remember EVERY moment from
every Little League season. But, I do remember a few: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In our first game, we played against m’man Andy and his
Diamondbacks. We lost something like 11-4. During the game, one of my players –
a sweet, soft-spoken kid named <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Joe</b> –
was on first base and on a ground ball, he headed towards second. He got there
safely, but actually ran THROUGH the bag. No, not towards third base. He ran
through it as if it were first base. Next thing I knew, he was standing in
short left field. Spoiler alert: he was out. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Our first win came a few games later. I told this story
in my post on the </span><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2020/02/rbelieve-story-of-greatest-team-that.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">2014 Little League All Star team</span></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> I managed. We were down one heading into the bottom of the sixth
inning. Michael led off with a double and up came Bennett. I implored him to
not be nervous and get a good swing. He calmly replied, “I’m never nervous”
then tripled in Michael before Jordan singled him home for the walk-off win.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Speaking of Jordan…I don’t have the old scorebooks
anymore, but at the end of that season I calculated that Jordan pitched roughly
one-third of the total innings we played that year. At around the midway point,
his mother emailed me to let me know that Jordan was experiencing arm soreness.
Like any caring coach, I remember replying with legitimate concern and one
question: “Just to be clear, is it his throwing arm?”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Another important pitcher on our team was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Abhi</b>. He finished the season with an
ERA under 3.00, but every pitching appearance was a wonderfully turbulent
roller coaster. Abhi didn’t throw hard and he’d give up a couple of hits in
each inning, but then he’d always buckle down and drop a loopy off-speed pitch
or an almost-fastball at the knees to get the third out. Of all the kids I’ve
ever coached, Abhi probably was the closest comparable to my son’s competitive
streak. Once, after Jalen had pitched a mercy-rule-shortened shutout, Abhi
calmly raised his hand in our postgame meeting, stood up and calmly pronounced,
“I should be pitching more, coach.” Chutzpah!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I mentioned earlier that Michael was our catcher. He was
also our leadoff hitter. And, during a game against a team from neighboring 4S
Ranch, Michael slapped the first pitch of the game, one-hopping it straight to
the centerfielder. Then, in something never seen before or since, the
centerfielder threw Michael out at first base. It was a scorching hot Saturday
afternoon and the 60-feet sprint left Michael almost asphyxiated. “What the
hell happened?”, I asked. “Coach”, Michael said breathlessly, “I’’m…just not
that fast…”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Before going any further, I gotta mention <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sam</b>. In one of our early practices, Sam
stood in the batter’s box against Jalen. As a pitcher, J was famous for two
things: (1) his “three-finger” change-up and (2) inadvertently hitting every
third or fourth batter he faced. And, GUESS where this is going! After Sam got
stung between the shoulder blades, he spent the first few months of the season
bailing out in the batter’s box. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He never abandoned his enthusiasm, though. In the
penultimate game of the regular season, he notched his first hit – a booming
double to the wall. Sure, Sam forgot to step on first base (no one else
noticed!) and while he was standing on second base, grinning ear-to-ear, one of
the coaches on the other team called out to his son, who was pitching, and
bellowed, “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!” Sam later came home on a double,
but forgot to step on third base (this time, someone noticed!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoKR25eGCeNYHrA8kxAIHWg93wz5OUzQbxYaFF58mGBKJoEtuPG66ISDMFHL9zpuUhTg61111pPMTbmkvgV1hn-PUEgi-2ATJbKEiBzciYikILZ2VoUuPquGw5JFqaGr8DpvUK8wgpg6J/s1600/159A59A2-BFE6-4A2F-A90C-9702E67768BF.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoKR25eGCeNYHrA8kxAIHWg93wz5OUzQbxYaFF58mGBKJoEtuPG66ISDMFHL9zpuUhTg61111pPMTbmkvgV1hn-PUEgi-2ATJbKEiBzciYikILZ2VoUuPquGw5JFqaGr8DpvUK8wgpg6J/s400/159A59A2-BFE6-4A2F-A90C-9702E67768BF.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Early in the season, Jalen was struggling at the plate.
Back then, when J was in a slump, he’d become borderline uncoachable. I don’t
know WHERE he got his obnoxious stubborn streak from, but let’s just say his
momma’s the same way. On this evening, we were facing the Nationals. Their
starting pitcher would go on to make the All Star team that spring. I pulled J
aside before he strode to the plate. “You think you can get a bunt down?”, I
asked – mostly out of desperation on behalf of Jalen’s desperation. “You mean a
drag bunt, like for a hit?”, J replied, as he tried and failed to contain his
excitement at the idea.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">On the first pitch, J laid down a bunt that rolled
jaggedly over the poorly-manicured dirt and up the first base line. The pitcher
barehanded the ball and threw it away (although, Jalen has been pointing out
for seven years that he would’ve beat it out, anyway), allowing J to run all
the way to third. The poor pitcher wouldn’t record another out that inning, as
he was pulled several batters later.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We finished the season with a respectable record, but our
team got hotter’n fish grease during the postseason. We won our first three
playoff games and made it to the championship. One of those games manages to
live in infamy between me and the other baseball dads. After building up a big
lead early, our opponents started chipping away – turning a 9-1 deficit into a
9-8 nail-biter. In the bottom of the 5th inning, Jalen came to bat. He fouled a
pitch straight down, then the ball ricocheted right off his face.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Now…to hear SOME people tell it…I sprang from the dugout
and was cradling J in my arms before he hit the ground. Obviously, that’s
IMPOSSIBLE (try as I might). As a nice-sized mouse was swelling under my son’s
eye, my wife sprang into action and commandeered my M*A*S*H unit. We’d hang on
to the win the game, with J – and his one operable eye – selfishly begging me
to put him back in at catcher for the last out.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sometimes, though, the Cinderella story has a sh t
ending.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Poor Jordan gutted it out for his team, but after three
months of me </span><a href="https://vault.si.com/vault/1984/09/10/whatever-happened-to-the-class-of-81" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Billy Martin-izing</span></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> his arm, he didn’t have much left in his right
wing. It was a double-elimination tournament, so we had one more shot, though.
Bennett cut short a camping trip – driving more than four hours back to San
Diego – JUST to make the start on the mound in our final game. He pitched great
and left with a lead, but my bullpen turned it from 3-2 us into 5-3 them.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was a disappointing end, to be sure, but I still look
back fondly on those knuckleheads. About half the team would go on to play high
school baseball in the ridiculously competitive San Diego County confines. (I
didn’t mention <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Alex</b> above, but he
was named Freshman Pitcher of the Year at his high school.) A couple of kids
walked away from the game for greener pastures in other sports. Still others
left sports behind for good. But, like I said…I <i>needed</i>
baseball that spring. And, those ten boys gave that gift to me.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Thank you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana";">(A's on three! A's on three!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana";"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7KMlKzWFmc6G0GrdQH08KSIZSjDhJDojwU3zo8jREe7iacBP7gymaEpzYVskDoqSX7jct9iukyqb3vXFVNgzDXGYAPRHEkk8ZsnpZiF1qdBvNRvW_h1lFwOKHrSgv_1lH4_oUL8WERRnx/s1600/A0C27DD0-3AB8-4C16-9826-5DD3CD618C1E.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="640" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7KMlKzWFmc6G0GrdQH08KSIZSjDhJDojwU3zo8jREe7iacBP7gymaEpzYVskDoqSX7jct9iukyqb3vXFVNgzDXGYAPRHEkk8ZsnpZiF1qdBvNRvW_h1lFwOKHrSgv_1lH4_oUL8WERRnx/s400/A0C27DD0-3AB8-4C16-9826-5DD3CD618C1E.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana";"><br /></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-86500342171930372132020-02-07T04:00:00.000-08:002020-02-07T04:03:50.574-08:00RBelieve! The Story of the Greatest Team That Almost Was…Until They Weren’t<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was time to go home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Or, so they probably thought.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was the sixth game of the 2014 Little League season
and I was managing the Minors Division A’s. Our record was 4-2 and we had won our
first four games by a combined score of 57-15. My then-10-year-old son Jalen
was the <a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-ll-chronicles-27-fathers-day.html" target="_blank">starting pitcher on Opening Day</a>
and when he wasn’t pitching, he’d settled in as the team’s primary catcher.
I’ve often celebrated J’s baseball IQ, but on a gray, damp Saturday morning in
March, he ran us out of an inning by getting tagged out at third base on a
groundball to short.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Later in the game, one of our better players – an
eight-year-old who was good enough to play up with us – got caught in a rundown
between first and second. After a few moments, he simply stopped running
between the bags – becoming half-boy/half-badminton net – as the spherical
shuttlecock sailed back and forth over his head several more times before the
opposing manager – one of our families’ dearest friends – finally shrieked,
“JESUS CHRIST, JUST TAG HIM”. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The ensuing 13-3 beatdown was the first time one of my
teams had lost by “mercy rule”. You see, friends, in Little League, the game is
over if one team is up by 10 or more runs at the end of the fourth inning. I’d
been managing since 2011 and had never before felt that shameful white flag
fluttering in my face.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One of my players couldn’t contain his excitement. “My
mom brought donuts for after the game!”, he declared. Each insufferable prepubescent
syllable was an assault on my ears and an insult to my soul. It was our second
straight loss and the worst game we’d played to that point and…it was only 9:45
AM. “We have the field until 10:30 AM”, I may or may not have told the team
between big-ass bites of a monstrous maple bar. “You guys get donuts when we’re
done.”</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For the next 45 minutes, I put the team through an
impromptu practice. Parents who wanted to resume their weekends were grumbling
behind me, just beyond the first base dugout. As the boys returned from a
scenic 400-foot roundtrip romp from home plate to the centerfield fence – while
carrying their bats above their heads with both hands – I felt the first
fissures. This was all supposed to be fun, wasn’t it?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, it was…</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">…until it wasn’t.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I’d never butted heads with players or parents before
that season. Our team had several talented, coachable kids…except for the ones
– talented or otherwise – who ignored the adults. The players’ parents were
understanding and supportive…except for the ones who complained about
everything from my defensive positioning to my weekday practices. Towards the
end of the season, I’d even run afoul of the league president.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(That, however, was a COMPLETE misunderstanding, as the
volunteer teenage umpires were struggling to maintain even <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._B._Bucknor#Umpiring_career" target="_blank">C.B. Bucknor’s</a> baseline level of incompetency. To that end, the
league president called all five division managers to her house and told us to
stop conveying the umpires’ awfulness through what she called our “constant argumentative
harassment of minors”. HOW ELSE WILL THEY LEARN THO)</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Like every other adult-driven administrative decision in
Little League, selecting the managers for All-Star season is unnecessarily
political and exists only to reward self-absorbed pomposity. There were three
of us in contention for the gig and we’d have to state our case in front of the
Little League board in late spring. All three of us were actually
<i>on</i> the board, so the politics effectively cancelled each
other out. And, with “self-absorbed pomposity” as the <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B1R5Gc4HC2f/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link" target="_blank">de facto tiebreaker</a>? </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Now…one of the few sacred rules of Little League Baseball is that managers are expressly forbidden from revealing ANY details regarding preseason player drafts or postseason All-Star selections. So, before I do, you guys have GOT to promise to keep this between you, me and this lightly-read blog. Cool? Cool.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The five division managers gathered at the league president’s home around Memorial Day. Each manager may nominate up to three players from their team. From that pool, the managers vote via secret ballot to select an initial All-Star roster of 12. After 12 players are selected, the All-Star manager may select up to three more players at his sole discretion.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My nominees were an easy call – and only <i>kinda-sorta</i> controversial. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jalen </b>hit .500 during the regular season, struck out only five times all year, led the team in both plate appearances and innings pitched and <i>possibly</i> nepotism. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tyler </b>was our slick-fielding shortstop who batted .375 and covered more earth than what’s left of the ozone layer. Finally, there was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Ty</b>…who happened to be moving to Virginia after the first game on the All-Star schedule.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I needed Ty on this team even if it was only for one game.
Of my three nominees, he was the most natural athlete – playing centerfield and
pitching, primarily. His regular season numbers made him deserving on merit,
but word had gotten out that he was moving away. The year before, there was
another particularly talented military kid whose family was shipping out to the
east coast. When one of the managers deliberately leaked that he was moving
away – which was against Little League rules – that opened up the 12th and
final slot for that manager’s son.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, with a year of illicit manipulation already under my
belt, I’d have to ensure Ty didn’t fall off the ballot from lack of support.
After more than a dozen votes, there were still one or two roster spots left.
Another manager surveyed the list of remaining nominees and asked, “Isn’t Ty
moving away soon?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">“He’ll be here for All Stars”, I replied – emphasis on
80% of the second syllable. If any other manager in that room knew the truth,
they kept quiet. Maybe they wanted to give Ty one last game with his buddies.
Maybe they loved his family as much as my wife and I did. Maybe they knew that
I held <i>their</i> kids’ playing time in the <a href="https://www.sideshow.com/collectibles/marvel-thanos-hot-toys-903429" target="_blank">palm of my hand</a>. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">All Stars were formally announced on the morning of June
1 and one of the local traditions is for the manager and coaches to drive
around the neighborhood the night before, placing yard signs out announcing the
good news for each player. Little League rules dictate that this cannot be done
before midnight, which is how one of my coaches, Andy, was nearly shot by a
father who saw a shadowy figure on his property and promptly pulled out a
pistol.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQMrSUTSQvJHTtBLiwdOLScTQuJJnKN6YTHj6M9TeeikuMO_RsVFi4aLxnLq49G9EUU02T59FuNNr2lSpBIDi67kcQY7jsdLgD220FuIxtixPmny5U0zOf_EqeEIPmDk2HferfSYeS43LC/s1600/jheldup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQMrSUTSQvJHTtBLiwdOLScTQuJJnKN6YTHj6M9TeeikuMO_RsVFi4aLxnLq49G9EUU02T59FuNNr2lSpBIDi67kcQY7jsdLgD220FuIxtixPmny5U0zOf_EqeEIPmDk2HferfSYeS43LC/s400/jheldup.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My other coach was a guy named Vince. He coached in All
Stars the year before and inadvertently participated in one of my favorite
Jalen pictures ever (above). Both Andy and Vince had kids on our team. Andy’s
son <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Colin</b> was a slight second
baseman who batted leadoff. His then-squeaky voice was famous among the moms
and dads – and will come into play later. Vince’s son was also named Vince – a
soft-spoken old soul who everyone called “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Pops</b>”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We’d have three weeks of practices before the festivities
of “All Star Saturday” and our first game. I mention the former not just for
the pomp and circumstance of player introductions, the presentation of All Star
pins or the old popsicles from the snack bar sold at a 750% markup. I had my
eyes on the District Skills Competition – a variation of the age-old “follow
the ball” drill in which each team throws the ball from home plate to third
base to second base to first base and back home with each successful catch
counting as a point. Most points in 60 seconds wins.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Our practices were…incredibly fun, actually. Andy and
Vince were terrific instructors, their attention to detail only matched by
their enthusiasm. While they weren’t officially coaches, two or three other
dads set up a hitting station off to the side and worked to ensure that every
kid was engaged. I mostly clapped my hands and stayed out of the way –
basically, a butterscotch shade of <a href="https://twitter.com/jdunderwoodjr/status/1038922076919398400" target="_blank">Jason Garrett</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As All Star Saturday dawned, I just…had a feeling about
this team. Our practices were loose. The boys were building chemistry and
camaraderie. Maybe it was the sight of their psychedelic orange camouflage uniforms that was eliciting my
hallucinations, but I believed in these boys. They were flawless in the skills
competition. And, since coaches weren’t allowed on the field, I stood behind
the chain-link fence channeling a traditional <a href="https://images.app.goo.gl/eDcWBvFBT4XMoi8Z9" target="_blank">African folk dance</a>. Our squad held off a pair of late challenges
and won the Skills Competition Championship for the first time in our Little
League’s history.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">With our first game right around the corner, it was time
for an uncomfortable conversation. We were carrying 14 players, which meant
that five of these boys wouldn’t be starting. One of them – <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Ben</b> – was a solid little pitcher who’d
suffered an unfortunate foot injury a few weeks earlier and would be
unavailable for most of All-Stars, anyway. Another – <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Justin</b> – was openly more interested in a club soccer tournament
that ran concurrent to Little League’s postseason. This allowed me to
anticipate 40% fewer tears. Thankfully, they all took the news well and I was
relieved to know that playing time – the source of most conflict between youth
sports coaches and players’ parents – wouldn’t be a problem on MY team. Nope. No,
sir. Not. At. All.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Game #1: Rancho
Bernardo vs. Rancho Santa Fe – </b>It was a 30-minute drive to Encinitas for
the first game. It was a 90-minute drive for my wife, because our son left his
catcher’s gear bag at home and she graciously agreed to retrieve it. So, with
my blood pressure good n’ elevated, I posted the starting lineup on the dugout
wall. No sooner had I turned around to begin nervously pacing when one of my
players burst into tears. It was one of the five boys who stoically reacted to
the “uncomfortable conversation” in the paragraph DIRECTLY ABOVE THIS ONE. And,
this is why Coach Morris Buttermaker <a href="http://www.boozemovies.com/2009/05/cinematic-cocktails-buttermaker.html" target="_blank">invented the boilermaker</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I don’t <i>think</i> I’ve mentioned this
before, but the RSF team was managed by former Major Leaguer <a href="https://www.baseball-reference.com/players/s/sweenmi01.shtml" target="_blank">Mike Sweeney</a>. In his 16-year career he
batted .297 with 215 home runs and – are you sitting down? – his son was on the
team. RSF’s roster also included the sons of erstwhile Seattle Mariner <a href="https://www.baseball-reference.com/players/b/boonebr01.shtml" target="_blank">Bret Boone</a>, NFL first-round draft pick <a href="https://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/M/MireRi00.htm" target="_blank">Rick Mirer</a> and the great-grandson of
ageless Phillies arm <a href="https://www.baseball-reference.com/players/m/moyerja01.shtml" target="_blank">Jamie Moyer</a> –
it was a middle school Murderers’ Row.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sweeney, it should be said,
might be the nicest man you’ll ever meet. My son remembered him from an
otherwise execrable Oakland A’s team in 2008. I introduced him to Jalen and
Sweeney couldn’t have been more gracious. Moments later, the home plate umpire
had some fun with me, “Now, I know that the two of you have combined to hit 200
home runs in the Majors, but I’M the man in charge. HAW!” Sweeney put his hand
on my shoulder and said, “None of that matters today. I can tell we’ve got our
hands full.” Was he patronizing me? Was he trying to psych me out? Was it
probably neither? “We’ll see about THAT”, I thought to myself.
<small>Wait, what?</small><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Our starting pitcher was a
burly, but baby-faced kid named <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Daniel</b>.
He had a fierce lil’ fastball, but also threw a mysterious off-speed “Frisbee
pitch” that could spit-shine your spats. He labored through three innings, but
left with the lead – doggedly retiring the last two batters on guile alone. I
brought in <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">CJ </b>to start the fourth
inning. He was going to be my starting pitcher two days later, so he could only
throw 35 pitches to come back on one day of rest. He pitched well for 1 2/3
innings, but got into trouble with two outs in the fifth, loading the bases.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I called for <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Camden</b> – an all-around awesome athlete
who, a couple of years later, would survive a horrific car crash, then play
quarterback and shortstop for our local high school. Up 8-5, he threw one
pitch. The next sounds I heard were the sweet shrieks from our second baseman,
Colin, “BALL, BALL, BALL, BALL, BALL!” Camden pitched a perfect final inning
for the win.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Game #2: Rancho Bernardo vs. Valley Center – </b>Our second game might’ve
been decided in warm-ups and maybe I should’ve listened to my coach, Vince.
“They’re shook, man”, he said to me before the game. “Who’s shook?”, I asked.
“Valley Center”, he replied. “Look at their faces while we’re taking warm-ups.
They ain’t never seen nothing like us.” I was skeptical…and ESPECIALLY
superstitious. “Man, don’t jinx this shit.”</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2nrsdBuoUOZNjEksyNUFBMBnb9RSCUBF9j6aqiDd3igo9RQfQXpIyQxXYvMWtnWGYu14GCr_J6FxKnJ3diYuw9_AKrHRHkzfj5QZ1Ij2vXvUieY2Ag3lhb5ko7SDnaUk34umWhmvBsrBi/s1600/Jallstarswing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="637" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2nrsdBuoUOZNjEksyNUFBMBnb9RSCUBF9j6aqiDd3igo9RQfQXpIyQxXYvMWtnWGYu14GCr_J6FxKnJ3diYuw9_AKrHRHkzfj5QZ1Ij2vXvUieY2Ag3lhb5ko7SDnaUk34umWhmvBsrBi/s400/Jallstarswing.jpg" width="265" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We jumped out to a 4-0 lead in
the first inning, capped by Jalen’s two-run single (above). We got some late insurance
when pinch-hitter <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Austin</b> – who I
just this moment realized is strong enough to be nicknamed “oxen” – drove in
our fifth run with a booming double off the outfield wall. CJ, meanwhile, was
single-handedly incinerating the Valley Center kids. As he reached his age-mandated
75-pitch limit, he’d gone 4 2/3 innings, struck out 11 and hadn’t given up a
hit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I went to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Bennett </b>for the final four outs. He’s the son of two D-I college
athletes and exudes confidence out the wazoo. I managed him the year before and
he came to the plate in a tense, late-inning situation. “Relax. Don’t be
nervous. Get a good swing”, I advised. “Coach, I’m never nervous.” Moments
later, he tripled off the wall before scoring the winning run one batter later.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Bennett quickly got the first
out, but walked the leadoff hitter in the top of the sixth. Down 5-0, the
runner tried to steal second base only to get gunned down by Jalen. The
cacophony of incredulity from the Valley Center parents was such a gloriously
profane (“Why the f ck are we stealing down FIVE runs?!”) moment. Three outs later,
we’d thrown a combined no-hitter.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Game #3: Rancho Bernardo vs. Escondido National – </b>After all these
years, I look back at this game as the turning point for our tournament run.
Oh, we won 10-0. Mercy-ruled them, even. But, we played particularly sloppily.
We were also down a few players by this point as Ty had moved back east, Austin
was out of town on vacation, Ben was still injured and Justin left to play
soccer. Our next game – the very next day – was against the consensus best team
in the district in the tournament semifinals. With almost six years of
hindsight, perhaps I should’ve proposed a pre-dawn practice. Oh, relax, I’m
only 70-percent serious.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Game #4: Rancho Bernardo vs. Encinitas – </b>As a spectator sport,
baseball moves at a languid – occasionally glacial – pace. It’s arguably the
game’s most romantic characteristic. But, don’t be fooled. Like, the hippo, the
white rhino or the New England Patriots’ whi…, er, <i>wide</i>
receiver corps, it’s got that “deceptive speed”. And, the sport is never
swifter than when bad sh t happens, friends.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For a few brief moments, we
held a 2-0 lead with runners on the corners and one out. One pitch later, both
runners were inexplicably thrown out during the same play. In the bottom of the
first, Encinitas hung a four-spot on us. It was the first time we’d trailed in
the tournament. Our boys battled like hell to keep the score 4-2 through four
innings. I could tell they were <i>feeding</i> off of my
mistake-free leadership and that alone would steer them to…<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Home plate umpire:
“Can I have word, coach?”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Me: “What’s up?”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Ump: “You didn’t announce that
defensive replacement in left field.”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Me: “…”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Ump: “In accordance with rule
number ‘1-dot-1-dot-dumbass rule’…”</em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We only had 10 players at the
start of the game and my failure to make a royal replacement proclamation to
his goddam majesty meant we were down to nine for the rest of the game. The
timing couldn’t have been more terrible, too. With the smaller roster, I was
able to interchange the speedy <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Johnny </b>with
the more bat-centric <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Charlie. </b>More
importantly, they were finally getting playing time after riding the pine for
the first week. The look on his face when I had to pull [REDACTED] off the
field and explain my mistake was bad enough. “So, I’m not even going to get to
bat?”, he asked. </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yeah…that was worse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Remember “Homer at the Bat”?
That seminal episode of <i>The Simpsons</i> in which nuclear power
plant owner C. Montgomery Burns hired nine ringers to win the company softball
championship? At one point, Mr. Burns mused:</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>“There’s no way I can
lose this bet…unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate
misfortunes. But, that will never happen. Three misfortunes? That’s possible.
Seven misfortunes? There’s an outside chance. But, NINE misfortunes? I’d like
to see that!”</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the time it took you to
read that reheated – and TBG-obligatory – <i>Simpsons</i> quote,
Jalen went down with an injury. While catching, he took a foul ball off his
collarbone. He’d sneakily had a crazy-productive tournament, throwing out 3 of
4 attempted base stealers and leading the team in RBI. Now, he was flat on his
back, writhing in pain and grimacing straight into the face of a cloudless sky.
Before I even asked about his health, there was something
<i>slightly</i> more important to tell him: “I f cked up a
substitution, son. We’re down to nine players.” He opened his eyes slightly,
still holding his shoulder and said bluntly, “Oh, COME ON, dad”. J stayed in
the game.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">By the top of the sixth, we
were trailing 10-2 and one out away from our first loss. Jalen Cameron – the
kid with one clavicle – was due up. “It REALLY hurts to swing the bat, dad”, J
said. “We’re down by eight runs, son", I responded. "You don’t need to swing. We’ll be done
soon enough.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, of COURSE, he walked on
four pitches.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Game #5: Rancho Bernardo vs. Carmel Mountain Ranch – </b>It was a
double-elimination tournament, so we dropped into the losers’ bracket with a
chance to play ourselves into the championship game. The year prior, we
eliminated CMR on a scorchingly-hot June afternoon. On this day, we took the
field on a cool, gloomy evening in July that was virtually dirge-worthy. And,
right on cue, CMR helpfully finished our epitaph. We trailed 6-0 after the
first inning. As we headed to the fourth inning, we were down 10-0.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Down to our last out, Jalen
came to the plate. His shoulder remained sore, but his pride was in the pink.
He swung at the first pitch and hit a harmless pop-up that plopped helplessly
between the first and second basemen. The official scorekeeper kindly exhumed
our corpse to gift us with our first and only hit. I pulled back the next
batter and sent Ben up to pinch-hit. He spent the last month-plus dutifully
rooting for his teammates at practices and in the dugout during games while his
foot was in a cast and, at last, he was out of it. He struck out to end the
game and our season.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There were tears among these
young men. As I held court with one of my comically-long postgame soirees, I
made sure I told the team how proud they’d made their families, coaches and
community. The kids soon scattered to finally start their summer vacations.
After signing the scorecard, I sat down in the dugout next to my son who was solemnly
packing his gear.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Jalen: “Well, THAT sucked.”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Me: “You saying you didn’t
have ANY fun during that ride?”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><em>Jalen: “Yeah…when we were
WINNING.”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Momentum is a myth. It’s there
until it isn’t. And, when you lose it, you might never find it again. Hell, the
tighter you grip it, the easier it’ll slip through your fingers. My advice?
Don’t ever think about it. Just enjoy it while you can. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J picked up the studio
apartment that stored his bats, gloves and catcher’s armor and rolled off
towards his mom. I stole a few more moments looking out at the field before
joining my family.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was time to go home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><small>Top row: Coach Andy, Camden, Charlie, CJ, Daniel, Ben, Justin, Coach Aaron, Jalen, Bennett, Coach Vince; Bottom row: Johnny, Tyler, Colin, Ty, Pops, Austin</small></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAmI4MO7xWT9aKMrOOhzagsX6NE_Ncz6wFTqZ5zJY9sTsFD7gRu6amvSdSTY9lvwwmkbUHqGQKhcSzwkaYm9bQG-RmGAjGATwytZSnvi_QjeOZuCYaGOSZJZsWKrKjQPlZwT6G2Z6gEfoA/s1600/aandj2014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="638" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAmI4MO7xWT9aKMrOOhzagsX6NE_Ncz6wFTqZ5zJY9sTsFD7gRu6amvSdSTY9lvwwmkbUHqGQKhcSzwkaYm9bQG-RmGAjGATwytZSnvi_QjeOZuCYaGOSZJZsWKrKjQPlZwT6G2Z6gEfoA/s320/aandj2014.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><small>Me and Jalen at 2014 All Star Saturday</small></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk5ZMiwlQ-2YOzcFlciGAEa6WGEz9Pja6quir8JtgE9bxJQY-y922Lwnepi1K1FMiotMKDgpbeJwwTMyL0Mrgp8-TvOiwf4DGFp22G7oqzZQqzefIJq7gEHyXdPXgNnwJsqXL4hSdVyxMl/s1600/fatteraandj2019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk5ZMiwlQ-2YOzcFlciGAEa6WGEz9Pja6quir8JtgE9bxJQY-y922Lwnepi1K1FMiotMKDgpbeJwwTMyL0Mrgp8-TvOiwf4DGFp22G7oqzZQqzefIJq7gEHyXdPXgNnwJsqXL4hSdVyxMl/s320/fatteraandj2019.jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><small>Me and Jalen at the end of the 2019 RBHS season</small></span></div>
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</div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-17955538631692380732018-12-30T18:34:00.000-08:002018-12-31T07:02:38.380-08:00Ranking the 45 Number One Songs on My Birthday<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">45 sucks. Yes, I'm probably biased, but hear me out. On
March 30, 2018, I turned 45. The next day, while lifting an innocuous cooler of
beer at my 14-year-old son's baseball game, I wrenched my back. Undisputed clinical
proof that 45 is a pain. Over the summer, I stopped shaving. The results were
decidedly...<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BlQ60dEgNwi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link" target="new">uneven</a></b>. More proof -- albeit, aesthetic -- that 45
is a goddam embarrassment. Finally, in the fall, I was diagnosed with <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.webmd.com/asthma/aspirin-exacerbated-respiratory-disease#1" target="new">AERD</a></b> and needed two days of controlled treatment.
45 is f cking insidious, fam. It needs its own #45sucks hashtag campaign or
social media logo* or marketing**...thing.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><small>** -- I graduated from San Diego State
University in 1997 with a BS in Marketing. The internet made me irrelevant in under
18 months. Fortunately, I married way outside my league!</small></i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Way back in 2003 (you know it's a vital anniversary,
because it's divisible by five) I began writing a weekly column called the Friday Music
News Bootleg. It ran for three years and a few months after it ended, I started
this bare-bones blog. Over the past 15 years, I've written about everything
from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2012/07/tbg-eats-2012-san-diego-fair.html" target="new">deep-fried fair food</a></b> to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-7-up-eulogy.html" target="new">family eulogies</a></b>, but music will always be where it
began.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, let's lift a collective middle finger to the face of
45, by revisiting -- AND DEFINITIVELY RANKING -- all 45 songs that charted at
#1 on the <i>Billboard Hot 100</i> on each of my 45 birthdays. On
the day of my birth, the #1 song in the country was<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><b><a 0px="" 115="" 11pt="" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vTKmVvyNRc" target="_blank">Love Train</a></b></span><b> </b></span>by the O'Jays. 1973 also featured #1
classics by Stevie Wonder, Jim Croce, Marvin Gaye and Gladys Knight. Physiologically
and chronologically, the calendar makes me uniquely qualified to offer my ear
to the best music from March 30, 1974 through 2018...but, we start with the
worst!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">45.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FEDrU85FLE" target="new">Butterfly</a>
by Crazy Town (2001) </b>-- Oh, rap-rock. You weren't the first
flash-in-the-pan fusion of musical genres, but you were undoubtedly the most unlistenable.
Remember the four-day disaster of "Woodstock '99"? Limp Bizkit
performed there...as did Reveille...as did Insane Clown Posse...as did Kid
Rock! According to my math, that's one disaster for each day! Will modern-day
cultural appropriation ever find its patient zero? Stay tuned!</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">44.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diwuu_r6GJE" target="new">Sunshine
on my Shoulders</a> by John Denver (1974) </b>-- As I entered elementary
school in the late 1970s, few troubadours were as ubiquitous as the
bespectacled Denver. When I was 5 or 6, I thought he might've actually
<i>been</i> a Muppet for all his maudlin cameos alongside Kermit.
Denver reportedly wrote this song at the end of an unforgiving Minnesota winter,
but come on: <i>"Sunshine almost always makes me
high"</i>? <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV3E5e7fZ6M" target="new">COME ON</a>.</b></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">43.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV0LHCHf-pE" target="new">Harlem
Shake</a> by Baauer (2013) </b>-- Did I mention I'm 45-years-old? I've
lived long enough for a single to hit #1 because of a YouTube video that became
internet-meme infamy. The only thing about the story of this song that, say,
18-year-old me would understand is that no one made any money off it, because
none of the samples were cleared. (Meanwhile, 45-year-old me only recently
learned how to pronounce "meme".)</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">42.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVikZ8Oe_XA" target="new">Rock
Me Amadeus</a> by Falco (1986) </b>-- The A&M label released 19(!)
versions and remixes of this single, but MY favorite is the heretofore
unreleased 20th...<i>sigh</i>. Look. Those of you who've been
reading my writing since the beginning know where this is going. I am nothing
if not beholden to the traditional crutch of this lightly-read blog.
Anyways...the heretofore unreleased 20th <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlmzUEQxOvA" target="new">remix</a></b>!</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">41.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqu132vTl5Y" target="new">The
Sign</a> by Ace of Base (1994) </b>-- Although considered one of -- if
not THE -- greatest years for hip hop, the genre wasn't yet cranking out
chart-topping singles. Instead, we get the Swedish pop stylings of Ace of Base.
Ulf Ekberg and the Berggren siblings conspired to RUIN my 21st birthday with
their repetitive, broken-relationship pap. What hath ABBA and Roxette wrought?!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">40.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHCdS7O248g" target="new">Rapture</a>
by Blondie (1981) </b>-- <i>This</i> was the first number one
single to incorporate rap vocals? Huh. I assume it was also the first to
include "sacroiliac" as a lyric. The video debuted on -- and I'm <i>excited</i>
to type this -- "Solid Gold" and was part of MTV's first video
rotation. Has modern-day cultural appropriation found its "patient
zero"? It has!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">39.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKVq-P3z5Vg" target="new">One
More Night</a> by Phil Collins (1985) </b>-- This list will NOT celebrate
songs that celebrate <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Simpin" target="new">simpin'</a></b>. Hell was the Hart Foundation even <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://youtu.be/VsK-QRhgQHg?t=71" target="new">talking about</a></b>? (Yes, I know that's a different song.
It's called a non sequitor. You, uh, new readers might wanna get used to it.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">38.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxszlJppRQI" target="new">So
Sick</a> by Ne-Yo (2006) </b>-- Speaking of simpin'. Ne-Yo is out here
telling us he's "so sick of love songs" and asking "why can't I
turn off the radio"? Negro, it's not that difficult! And, why in the hell
did hip hop heavyweights LL Cool J and Jay-Z appear on various remixes of this?
And, Hype Williams directed the music video?! Stargate produced this, so I'm
afforded the rare opportunity to dismiss Sweden <i>and</i> Norway
within a few dozen words of each other.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">37.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0SyUgw98tE" target="new">Glamorous</a>
by Fergie featuring Ludacris (2007) </b>-- After J-Lo's <i>Jenny From the
Block</i> and Gwen Stefani's <i>Luxurious</i> earlier in the
decade, you'd think American audiences would've tired of hearing how the
obscenely loaded and gorgeous were just like all us other uggos. Fergie's d-e-r-i-v-a-t-i-v-e
paints by the same numbers with Luda's lazily mailed-in lyrics crammed in for
an attempt at urban credibility. The video also attempts,
uh..."urban". With dancing Dickies and...damn.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">36.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JcmQONgXJM" target="new">Gettin'
Jiggy Wit It</a> by Will Smith (1998) </b>-- It's no secret that Nas --
one of the seminal rappers from the 1990's grimy "return to lyricism"
movement -- helped with the writing on Smith's 1997 <i>Big Willie
Style</i> release. He was long rumored to have co-written this vapid,
vacuous single, as well. Only recently -- presumably as the royalty checks have
at last run dry -- has Nas gone on record to distance himself from this mess of
excess and shiny-suit residue.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">35.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRcnnId15BA" target="new">Candy
Shop</a> by 50 Cent featuring Olivia (2005) </b>-- Witness protection
ain't got nothing on women in rap who show up for a verse or a hook here and
there and are never heard from again. Olivia left the G-Unit label in 2007 and
would eventually join silenced sisters such as Ms. Toi, Truth/Truth Hurts,
Tweet, Jewell and Amil. This is <i>hardly</i> representative of the
level of respect and admiration rap music usually has for women.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">34.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcCw1ggftuQ" target="new">Right
Round</a> by Flo Rida featuring Kesha (2009) </b>-- SEVEN songwriters on
a three-minute single about blow jobs that leans <i>heavily</i> on
a familiar sample from the disposable-pop heyday of the 1980s? From the guy
whose totally original stage name is his home state with a superfluous space?
THIS is how middle-aged Americans begin bitching about
<i>everything</i>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">33.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HL1UzIK-flA" target="new">Work</a>
by Rihanna featuring Drake (2016) </b>-- RiRi appears twice on this list and
her two entries couldn't be more opposite from each other. This formulaic bore
was intended to bring the Barbadian beauty "back" from the so-so
response to 2012's rushed and unpolished <i>Unapologetic</i> album.
If the halfhearted, pandering nod to her dancehall roots couldn't win over
critics, it's hard to see how Drake's (admittedly, often charismatic) dreck --
<i>"If you had a twin, I would still choose you!"</i> -- could
either. Do they not teach basic biology in the province of Ontario, Aubrey?
Your lyric is NOT a compliment, man!</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">32.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT4d1LQy4es" target="new">Black
Velvet</a> by Alannah Myles (1990) </b>-- I liked this song better before
I learned that songwriter Christopher Ward penned it after being inspired
by...a busload of Elvis Presley fans and impersonators who were heading to
Graceland. I once made a playful crack at Elvis' expense in my old weekly music
column and endured several days of hate e-mail. Despite their pompadoured hero's
protests to the contrary, they were actually quite cruel. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">31.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV1FrqwZyKw" target="new">Born
This Way</a> by Lady Gaga (2011) </b>-- Just when you think Lady Gaga had
ONLY stolen the chords from Madonna's 1989 smash <i>Express
Yourself</i>, she hits you with some vocal cadence from Madonna's
<i>Vogue</i> as well! There's an inspiring message buried deep --
deep -- within the brazen, unapologetic jacking of beats. Look close. Closer.
Closer still. Yes...past the questionable use of "chola" and the
unquestionably dated "orient" descriptors. Millennials, man.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">30.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSVTOMkJdqs" target="new">Tragedy</a>
by The Bee Gees (1979) </b>-- This was the penultimate number one single for
the Bee Gees, as the writing was on the wall -- and disco ball -- for the
musical genre that ruled radio for the last half of the 1970s. Roughly three
months after hitting the top of the charts, Major League Baseball's Chicago
White Sox hosted <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disco_Demolition_Night" target="new">Disco Demolition Night</a> </b>at Comiskey Park. The
line-ups <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/CHA/CHA197907121.shtml" target="new">that night</a></b> included a "Champ", a
"Junior" a "Chet" and not one, but TWO "Rustys".
(This reminds me...when I was a kid, every other boy was named "Toby"
or "Wesley". Where did they all go? And, how does this bode for
"Dakota" and "Jordan" today?)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">29.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpVfcZ0ZcFM" target="new">God's
Plan</a> by Drake (2018) </b>-- Drake's had three songs reach #1 this
year and <i>God's Plan</i> kept hold of the throne for 11
consecutive weeks -- the longest run of 2018. The video, however, reaches all
the way out to 2058 as it's mysteriously hosted by former NFL cornerback/strip
club aficionado Adam "Pacman" Jones from 40 years in the future. No, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Jones_(American_football)" target="new">seriously</a></b>. Are there ANY powers that Drake
<i>doesn't</i> have?!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">28.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIAkRVBS-0U" target="new">Rich
Girl</a> by Hall & Oates (1977) </b>-- We've got a ways to go on our
list; but I'mma bet this is the only song that references <i>Son of
Sam</i> killer David Berkowitz, the Symbionese Liberation Army and
cult-favorite 1980s TV drama <i>Hunter</i> on its <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rich_Girl_(Hall_%26_Oates_song)" target="new">Wikipedia page</a></b>. The GREAT guitar and drum break
right after the first verse inexplicably <i>isn't</i> mentioned,
though. Do better, internet.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">27.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDxhugRKZ8g" target="new">December,
1963 (Oh, What a Night)</a> by The Four Seasons (1976) </b>-- The roots
of this song (kinda-sorta) reach back to 1933 and its 1993 re-release/remix
matched the original's 27-week reign on the <i>Billboard Hot
100</i>. That's 60 years we've spent celebrating...*checks
lyrics*...one-night stands and...<i>"as I recall, it ended much too
soon..."</i>. Oh. Oh, god, no.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">26.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZXRV4MezEw" target="new">Believe</a>
by Cher (1999) </b>-- The original auto-tune! Hopefully, Cher's getting some
residuals from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/ProTunes-Am-T-Pain-Mic-Gold/dp/B0053VLO3I" target="new">this</a></b>! Meanwhile, the sheer number of failed
relationship-related songs that reached #1 on or around my birthday probably
explains at least a little about my fractured psyche, yes? You're too near me not
to hear me, Cher.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>2</b><b>5.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwYN7mTi6HM" target="new">Jump</a>
by Van Halen (1984) </b>-- Let's declare 1984 as the single most "'80s
music" year of the decade, OK? Other number ones included: <i>Karma
Cameleon, Footloose, Let's Hear it For the Boy, Ghostbusters, What's Love Got
to Do With It</i> and <i>Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go</i>. Coincidentally,
nearly 20 countries boycotted the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles where Lionel
Richie sang a NINE-minute version of <i>All Night Long</i> at the
closing ceremonies. But, sure..."coincidence".</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">24.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGwWNGJdvx8" target="new">Shape
of You</a> by Ed Sheerhan (2017) </b>-- West Yorkshire's favorite
milquetoast vocalist checks in with his usual four minutes of inoffensive
whimsy. I do find it funny that he'd take a first date to an all-you-can-eat
restaurant (<i>Fill up your bag and I'll fill up a plate...</i>),
but it appears to have turned out better than one of MY first dates back in the
summer of 1993:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en">
<div dir="ltr" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">25
years ago this summer, went on a first date. During dinner she said
"white people bug me". I could barely finish the first of my
three baskets of cheddar bay biscuits. <a href="https://t.co/CpgTtlZcVS">https://t.co/CpgTtlZcVS</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">—
Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/1016728641047105536?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July
10, 2018</a></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">23.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMh_VsTuXtE" target="new">Can't
Nobody Hold Me Down</a> by Puff Daddy (featuring Ma$e) (1997) </b>--
Songs produced or performed by Sean "Puffy" Combs spent 25 total
weeks at #1 in 1997. This one samples heavily from Grandmaster Flash and the
Furious Five's iconic single <i>The Message</i> and includes one of
my favorite (<i>"...spend time in H-A-W-A-AH-AH..."</i>)
and dirt-worst (<i>"Young, black and famous with money hangin' out
the anus."</i>) bars of the year. 25. Total. Weeks.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">22.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS7qLDizDYo" target="new">Coming
out of the Dark</a> by Gloria Estefan (1991) </b>-- This was Estefan's
first single after her near-fatal tour bus accident in March 1990. The video
features <i>Married...With Children</i> alumnus David Garrison --
who left the successful sitcom before it ruined his career, like those of Ed
O'Neill...wait, no...Katey Sagal?...wait, no...Christina Applegate?...wait, no...David
Faustino? Yes...that'll do. In fact, let's see what ol' Bud's <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbX5cuvLRWs" target="new">up to</a></b>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">21.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cB5e0zHRzHc" target="new">Love
in This Club</a> by Usher featuring Young Jeezy (2008) </b>-- I'm not
sure which bit of unintentional hilarity tickles me more.
<i>Usher</i> with the opening audience assurance to "...keep
it hood" or Young Jeezy telling the ladies to "...meet me in the
bathroom" -- after offering up fornication "on the couch, on the
table, on the bar or on the floor". Nightclubs are practically a Petri
dish of <i>disease</i>, Jeezy. The floor? The bathroom? I hope all
these women told the Snowman "no, man". I might've been drinking as I
wrote that last line. Regrets? None.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">20.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQgd6MccwZc" target="new">Say
My Name</a> by Destiny's Child (2000) </b>-- The drama around this song
is probably better than the actual song, as Beyonce turned heel on former
bandmates LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson. The video featured 11th hour
additions Michelle Williams and Farrah Franklin, but kept the original members'
vocals. Obviously, the group's manager -- and Beyonce's father, Mathew Knowles
-- was wielding the proverbial sledgehammer, though. The whole ordeal was
chronicled in a 2014 <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWLU0MWMR-w" target="new">made-for-TV movie</a></b>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">19.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr-H8dR0HLo" target="new">Ain't
It Funny</a> by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule (2002) </b>-- Other than
Eminem, there might not have been a more ubiquitous rapper in the early 2000s
than Ja Rule. And, other than, say, Nate Dogg, no other hip hop act benefitted
more from the word "featuring..." on artist's credits. Jay-Z, Ashanti
and J-Lo all shared the mic with Ja on some of his/their biggest hits. Sadly,
Ja Rule was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE1TTxnY17Q" target="new">murdered at his peak</a></b> in 2003. His body was never
recovered.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">18.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDcuRgk-JEI" target="new">Because
You Loved Me</a> by Celine Dion (1996) </b>-- Then-Girlfriend Bootleg and
I attended, like, 100 weddings before we got engaged (I know, I know...) and
this song was probably the father/daughter dance at 98 of 'em. I can't have it
higher because it's become SUCH a cliché. What's that you ask? What did my mom
and I dance to at MY wedding? That's none of your <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tap90z44WR8" target="new">goddam business</a></b>...but, it wasn't cliché! Let's move
on!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">17.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ihs-vT9T3Q" target="new">Night
Fever</a> by The Bee Gees (1978) </b>-- From the biggest-selling
soundtrack of all time; for the first five weeks this song was #1, the Bee
Gees' <i>Stayin' Alive</i> was #2. The apex of the disco movement,
the <i>Saturday Night Fever</i> phenomenon was absolute alchemy for
all involved. Hell, remember John Travolta's highly-publicized 1990s comeback
in a role <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYbpYaGIwpU" target="new">NO ONE expected</a></b>? Alchemy, kid.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">16.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD7-j3Bj6dQ" target="new">Lean
on Me</a> by Club Nouveau (1987) </b>-- One of only nine songs to hit #1
as performed by two different artists, this version -- and the original by Bill
Withers -- were featured in the great 1989 Morgan Freeman film of<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>the same name. Of course, the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Duw2ZoyQAE" target="new">musical number</a></b> from THAT flick tops anything modern
cinema has ever recorded. Fight me.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">15.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR5ApYxkU-U" target="new">Another
Brick in the Wall, Part II</a> by Pink Floyd (1980) </b>-- I feel like
I'm gonna catch hell for ranking this one so low. The bass-line and drums are
wonderful. The anthemic chorus is legendary. The message? It just never
connected with me. I was seven when it hit #1...and, I always
<i>liked</i> school. In fact, if <i>you</i> were
listening to this in class, I'd tell on you. "Nerd", you say? Well,
I'm telling teacher you said THAT, too.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">14.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Emyhl0NO_P8" target="new">I
Love Rock & Roll</a> by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (1982) </b>--
I was nine-years-old when I lost my first bet. On the playground of Tarawa
Terrace II elementary school near Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, I was convinced
that the woman who sang this song and the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/joyce-dewitt-suzanne-somers-company-286813" target="new">cute brunette</a></b> on TV's <i>Three's
Company</i> were one and the same. It turns out they were not. I WAS SO
SURE.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">13.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts" target="new">We
Are Young</a> by Fun featuring Janelle Monáe (2012) </b>-- The
serendipitous success of this single is <i>so</i> 21st century,
son. It was originally released in September 2011 without much fanfare. Later
in the year, it was covered by the FOX television series
<i>Glee</i> and soon...kaboom. From there, Chevrolet used the song
in a commercial that first aired during yet another New England Patriots bed-sh
tting Super Bowl loss. Along the way, it broke digital sales/impressions
records that were previously held by Eminem and Destiny's Child. If that last
sentence doesn't scream "21st century", I don't know what does.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">12.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPf0YbXqDm0" target="new">Uptown
Funk</a> by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars (2015) </b>-- My favorite
music truism is how an infectious beat can lift even the most ridiculous
lyrics. Dr. Dre and Kanye West -- two of the greatest producers of our
generation -- were understandably given a pass on "I get plenty of ass/So,
call me an astronaut" (<i>Keep Their Heads Ringin'</i>) and
"The way Kathie Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus"
(<i>Jesus Walks</i>), respectively. So, it's to Ronson's credit
that his funk-on-amphetamines approach elevates lines like "Gotta kiss
myself, so pretty." and "Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy".</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">11.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbZSe6N_BXs" target="new">Happy</a>
by Pharrell Williams (2014) </b>-- Anyone else remember the 24-hour video for
this song? It remains a joyous ode to, uh...joy, but it's omnipresence had
y'all forgetting that Pharrell and the Neptunes been in the game for <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Neptunes_production_discography" target="new">almost 30 years</a></b> and are probably responsible for
getting more folks onto the dance floor at your wedding, high school reunion,
office Christmas party or as any other kind of cover for your casual alcoholism.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">10.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e82VE8UtW8A" target="new">Rude
Boy</a> by Rihanna (2010) </b>-- With the kind of sexual empowerment and
assertiveness that could only come from an album called <i>Rated
R</i>, it's a terrific spin on the misogyny that's made men millions. It
was released less than a year after inexplicably still-standing sh tbag Chris
Brown was arrested for assaulting her. She's since dated erstwhile Los Angeles
Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp and Canadian diva Drake, proving once again that
light-skinned men such as myself are ALWAYS in your league, ladies. *rowr*</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">9.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0yGvypBwyA" target="new">Informer</a>
by Snow (1993) </b>-- You had to be there. That's the only way I can explain
how the best bad song <i>ever</i> -- with apologies to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEJ2b6IaGWU" target="new">Ini Kamoze</a></b> -- spent SEVEN weeks at #1 in 1993. I
remember incredulous urban radio DJs in LA playing it over and over while
overtly protesting its popularity on air. I'll always have a soft spot for this
nonsensical sh*t, though, as it was the song that took me into my 20s. It also
directly led to the last good <i>In Living Color</i> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icb_tRTnA4g" target="new">skit</a></b> ever.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">8.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBSyx85Kp8" target="new">Yeah!</a>
by Usher featuring Ludacris and Lil' Jon (2004) </b>-- My son Jalen was born in
2004. As most of you know, he was a preemie -- born nine weeks early during
Mrs. Bootleg's 31st week of pregnancy. As most of you ALSO know, I only mention
this in my writing to use the lives of my wife and son to take the most
circuitous path to a larger, uninteresting point. Mrs. Bootleg's 31 weeks with
Jalen were just three less than the number of weeks Usher's songs spent at #1
in 2004. See?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">7.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EdmHSTwmWY" target="new">Save
the Best for Last</a> by Vanessa Williams (1992) </b>-- Over the course
of a couple of months in early 1992, my first girlfriend dumped me, reconciled
with me and then dumped me again. At that time, the top of the
<i>Billboard</i> charts were riddled with singles like <i>All
4 Love, Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me</i> and <i>To Be With
You</i>. Too bad she missed out on taking me back/breaking up with me
that summer when Boyz II Men's <i>End of the Road</i> was RIGHT
THERE to ruin me.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjdiKYMrjH0IN1uXhsb0soYyA5fiZc5XLqN0BGzxLTw5tci9xdcWZRy7EAyFYYb-jgCffkw24Vabs7nbCmtPTKpfg42TbWAsJec2LlmXB4X0p0Pmz_HwBs0g2ewTyoZy2b6fv1hC8zF-pV/s1600/Take_a_Bow_Madonna.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjdiKYMrjH0IN1uXhsb0soYyA5fiZc5XLqN0BGzxLTw5tci9xdcWZRy7EAyFYYb-jgCffkw24Vabs7nbCmtPTKpfg42TbWAsJec2LlmXB4X0p0Pmz_HwBs0g2ewTyoZy2b6fv1hC8zF-pV/s1600/Take_a_Bow_Madonna.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">6.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDeiovnCv1o" target="new">Take
a Bow</a> by Madonna (1995) </b>-- The usual collection of
pearl-clutchers had birthed a backlash towards ol' Madge for the in-plain-sight
sexuality she celebrated in the early 1990s. Kudos, repressed prudes! You
indirectly forced her into the studio of uber-producer Babyface and the end
result is on the short list of Madonna's best songs. Were y'all ever able to
scrub your own moral decay and intellectual dishonesty from your fainting
couches? Oh, I'm kidding, you feckless hypocrites. I'm kidding.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">5.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qm8PH4xAss" target="new">In
Da Club</a> by 50 Cent (2003) </b>-- How big was the first single from
50's debut studio album? It spent nine weeks at #1. Subsequently, it
inadvertently served as a springboard for the early release of <i>Get Rich
or Die Tryin'</i> due to rampant bootlegging (woo!) and internet leaks.
The Dr. Dre-beat bumped so hard, it was essentially lifted and used again on
then-labelmate The Game's wonderful <i>Westside Story</i> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiMC0IEym6w" target="new">track</a> </b>two years later. How big was it?! Me and my
rhythmless running buddy Dale were bar-hopping in San Francisco in the summer
of 2003. This song even got HIM to the dance floor. Here's a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVOqgAbWcrM" target="new">reasonable reenactment</a></b>.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">4.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4LWIP7SAjY" target="new">Lady
Marmalade</a> by LaBelle (1975) </b>-- Patti LaBelle is a goddam national
treasure, we all agree. Similarly, we all agree that her 1992-93 <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOWY86UgkII" target="new">sitcom</a> </b>didn't get a fair shake from NBC, yes? YES.
Anyways...this song is SOAKED in sensuality and -- near as I can tell -- is the
first use of "freak" as a euphemism for "sex", beating
Adina Howard to the punch by, like, 20 years. Ms. Howard and I are the same
age, which might be the most definitive "old" identifier in any of
these 4000 words.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps" target="new">Man
in the Mirror</a> by Michael Jackson (1988) </b>-- This song peaked at #2
on the <i>Billboard</i> charts...more than 20 years after its
initial release following the death of Michael Jackson. In the same week, it
became the most downloaded song on iTunes. An alternate version was used in
Jackson's 1988 film <i>Moonwalker</i>. Some of you might remember
the poorly-received video game that was inspired by the movie. No? Well, the
last paragraph of "arcade gameplay" under its <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jackson%27s_Moonwalker#Arcade_gameplay" target="new">Wikipedia entry</a></b> might be the greatest thing ever
written on the internet.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k" target="new">The
Living Years</a> by Mike & The Mechanics (1989) </b>-- My father
passed away in March 2018 and this song...holy sh t, this song. It's almost
perfect in its representation of heartbreak and regret. I wish my old man and I
could've been closer -- he was a hardscrabble jarhead who grew up in Jim Crow
Georgia and I'm a soft-ass suburbian who never fully understood or appreciated
my pops' pain. My favorite memory of him is from Thanksgiving 1995. My parents
had bought their first house -- after I'd moved out, then moved away to San
Diego. And, on a typically too-warm late November morning, my dad and I shared
a beer -- for the first time -- in the backyard. Just me and him. I remember
him asking if I was doing OK. Yes, sir. But, I wish you were still here to make
sure.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">1.) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_XLOBDo_Y" target="new">Billie
Jean</a> by Michael Jackson (1983) </b>-- The most recognizable first 30
seconds in the history of pop music. I mean...my <i>parents</i>
went out and bought the <i>Thriller</i> album the day it was
released -- and, I mean the <i>vinyl</i> ALBUM. And, they played it
on <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://oldhousecrazy.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/old-house-crazy-diy-restore-an-old-stereo-console-02.jpg" target="new">THIS</a></b>. I'd argue Michael Jackson was the last of the
"larger-than-life" entertainment icons, as today, fame is handed out
like Heath Bars on Halloween. This is probably not his greatest song, but it
might be his most perfect.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><small>*-- Logo courtesy of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://news.artnet.com/art-world/no-45-anti-trump-logo-1056047" target="new">Mike Mitchell</a></b>. Facts check out.</small></i></span></div>
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-39338614559989551372017-08-22T19:59:00.000-07:002017-08-22T20:12:03.632-07:00Aaron’s iFAQ #7: The Heretofore Untold Origin of J-Bird<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en">
<div dir="ltr" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Mrs. Bootleg & I are helping J w/campaign
posters for his ASB vice president bid. They rejected my "BIRD IS THE
WORD" slogan, so I resigned.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy)
<a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/853712815089008640">April
16, 2017</a></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Our 13-year-old son Jalen starts 8th grade this week as
one of the proverbial big men on the middle school campus. It’s bittersweet, to
be sure, but, Mrs. Bootleg and I couldn’t be more proud of him. Jalen is an
honor student and involved in ASB. He’s participated in leadership conferences
and has the confidence to speak in front of his peers for oral projects. He’s a
wonderful young man…who will always be our little boy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you’ve previously visited these lightly-read blog
parts, you MIGHT have heard that little boy’s story before. Most of it can be <a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2010/06/open-letter-to-my-best-friend-in-whole.html" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">found here</span></a>. TL;DR? Really?! Fine…for
the lazy goddam millennials among you: Jalen was born nine weeks premature, he
spent five weeks in the neo-natal intensive care unit and most of his first
year strapped to a bulky – ostensibly portable – heart monitor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jalen’s early physiological challenges extended to both
his motor and speech functions. He didn’t start crawling until nine months. He
didn’t start walking until 16 months. And, by the time his second birthday came
around, his vocabulary remained exceedingly limited. These developmental delays
led us to enroll Jalen in occupational and speech therapy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(Believe it or not, there was a time when Mrs. Bootleg
and I wished Jalen would talk MORE.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sometime in the middle of all this, I took Jalen to the
zoo on my off-Friday. It had rained overnight and the early morning parking lot
was filled with flocks of seagulls looking for worms, snails and whatever else
might be served at the invertebrate breakfast buffet. As I unloaded most of the
contents of my car into the ostentatious covered wagon that doubled as my son’s
stroller, Jalen pointed out towards the Hitchcockian scene and said, “bird!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This was Jalen’s first word in the non-mama/dada
division, so I responded with the appropriate level of parental restraint.
First, I frantically called Mrs. Bootleg at work to see if Jalen would repeat
his monosyllabic utterance. When that failed, I expeditiously wheeled him to
the flamingo exhibit – foolishly hoping he’d make the aviary association
between a <a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fb/Seagull_in_flight_by_Jiyang_Chen.jpg" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">traditional bir</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">d</span></a> and an
ostrich/giraffe/pastel <a href="https://ichef-1.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/40E0/production/_96180661_z8240029-greater_flamingoes_phoenicopterus_ruber_-spl.jpg" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">mash-up</span></a>. When
THAT failed, I simply dedicated the rest of my waking hours – every damn <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryRdZv6rOH4" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Morris day</span></a> – to getting my boy to say
it again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you’re a parent, you’re probably familiar with the
path we travelled. Whenever we were out and about, I’d see a bird and melodramatically
gesture towards it. Hoping to apprehend the attention of a toddler, I’d
exclaim, “Bird! Bird! Jalen, bird!” My wife and I had been using “J” as an
affectionate appellation since the day he was born, so it wasn’t long before my
bleating became “J, bird! J, bird!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, it stuck. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-version="7" style="background: #FFF; border-radius: 3px; border: 0; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 658px; padding: 0; width: -webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width: 99.375%; width: calc(100% - 2px);">
<div style="padding: 8px;">
<div style="background: #F8F8F8; line-height: 0; margin-top: 40px; padding: 50.0% 0; text-align: center; width: 100%;">
<div style="background: url(data:image/png; display: block; height: 44px; margin: 0 auto -44px; position: relative; top: -22px; width: 44px;">
</div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BE6ZX6BLLB6/" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" target="_blank">From 1976, when the
Atlanta Braves briefly allowed players to wear nicknames on their jerseys. This
guy has the same nickname as Jalen and MY MIND IS BLOWN.</a></span></div>
<div style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A
post shared by Aaron Cameron (@that_bootleg_guy) on <time datetime="2016-05-02T16:59:29+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">May 2, 2016 at 9:59am
PDT</time></span></div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><script async="" defer="" src="//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js"></script></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Years later, I found this picture of Atlanta Braves
infielder Jerry Royster! The original J-Bird! Black baseball tradition! Jalen
carries on this not-at-all exaggerated African-American legacy with equal parts
pride and indifference!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-version="7" style="background: #FFF; border-radius: 3px; border: 0; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 658px; padding: 0; width: -webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width: 99.375%; width: calc(100% - 2px);">
<div style="padding: 8px;">
<div style="background: #F8F8F8; line-height: 0; margin-top: 40px; padding: 50.0% 0; text-align: center; width: 100%;">
<div style="background: url(data:image/png; display: block; height: 44px; margin: 0 auto -44px; position: relative; top: -22px; width: 44px;">
</div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/4KlZW4rLDO/" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" target="_blank">Player introductions
at All Star Saturday. My son drops his nickname. For marketing &
merchandising opportunities, I presume.</a></span></div>
<div style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A post
shared by Aaron Cameron (@that_bootleg_guy) on <time datetime="2015-06-20T21:04:16+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Jun 20, 2015 at 2:04pm
PDT</time></span></div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><script async="" defer="" src="//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js"></script></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">With Major League Baseball’s profitable/puerile “Players’
Weekend” jerseys on deck <a href="http://m.mlb.com/news/article/247233346/mlb-to-celebrate-players-weekend/" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">for the weekend</span></a>,
I’m reminded of a time when nicknames meant something MORE than money. I’m also
reminded of two nicknames for Jalen that thankfully didn’t stick.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J started playing catcher for the first time as a
9-year-old. I was manager of his team and an incredibly kind and patient dad
named Jason was an assistant coach. Late in one game, J threw out consecutive
attempted base stealers at third to get us out of the inning. Coach Jason had
taken J under his wing and gave him a lot of<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a> lessons on
the position, so he was understandably excited. Perhaps, too excited?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jason: “Wow! Those were two GREAT throws, Jalen!”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J: “Thanks, coach.”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jason: “You should change your last name to ‘Cannon’!”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J: “Jalen…Cannon? JALEN CANNON! Dad! Coach said I should
change my…”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “I heard him, J.”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J: “Jalen Cannon! Jalen “The Cannon” Cameron! Say it like
you’re announcing it, dad!”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “No.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A few years later, I was picking up Jalen from school. He
had a pretty bad migraine and was trying to sleep it off in the nurse’s room.
As I signed J out, one of his teachers approached me in the office.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Her: “I’m sorry to hear about his migraines. We just
think the world of JB.”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “Who?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Her: “Oh…aren’t you JB’s father?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “You mean Jalen? Jalen Cameron?”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">==</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “Why in the world does your teacher call you, ‘JB’?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J: “It’s short for ‘J-Bird’.”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “That’s [possible expletive] ridiculous.”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J: *mumbles something about ‘swag’*</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “What?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">J: “Dad, my head really hurts.”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: “We’ll talk about this later.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We love you, J-Bird.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-version="7" style="background: #FFF; border-radius: 3px; border: 0; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 658px; padding: 0; width: -webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width: 99.375%; width: calc(100% - 2px);">
<div style="padding: 8px;">
<div style="background: #F8F8F8; line-height: 0; margin-top: 40px; padding: 28.194444444444443% 0; text-align: center; width: 100%;">
<div style="background: url(data:image/png; display: block; height: 44px; margin: 0 auto -44px; position: relative; top: -22px; width: 44px;">
</div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 8px 0 0 0; padding: 0 4px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BTh9dE2jIHR/" style="color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" target="_blank">J with a bases
clearing triple. Listen closely for my calm, measured reaction.
#nbd</a></span></div>
<div style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A post
shared by Aaron Cameron (@that_bootleg_guy) on <time datetime="2017-05-01T01:04:40+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Apr 30, 2017 at 6:04pm
PDT</time></span></div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><script async="" defer="" src="//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js"></script></span></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-46157827608773697772016-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:002016-12-31T14:03:05.867-08:00The 7-Up Eulogy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yesterday, I cried.
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As middle-age moves into both my emaciated muscles and
meandering metabolism, I have made a sincerely insincere effort to be
negligibly more mobile. With my ubiquitous FitBit affixed firmly to my six-inch
wrist; I left New Stately Bootleg Manor around 8:00PM in an attempt to walk off
the second-rate takeout burrito that had overstayed its welcome in the attic of
my abdomen. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Our new neighborhood is a collection of cul-de-sacs sewn
together with two or three actual streets built atop an assortment of natural
inclines and their geological antonyms. With a light rain falling, the
intermittently-placed streetlights were more useless than usual, so I headed
south and then west with the <span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">seasonal</span> residential compass – garishly-lit
holiday yard decorations – as my substitute North Star.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Over the past few years, the holidays have become a
case-study in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebbian_theory" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hebbian Plasticity</span></a> for
my psyche. As I unsteadily shuffled across the saturated sidewalks, random
thoughts pinballed around my brain. Inevitably, memories of my late grandfather
found their way in. He passed away earlier this year after a short (or long)
illness at the age of 90.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Funnily enough, the first thing I usually think of
<i>before</i> the flood of more meaningful memories from my
grandfather is that he died on May 11. This lightly-read blog has gotten a
<i>bit</i> of mileage from "the events of 5/11" and <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2009/05/asthma-allergies-ambulance-part-i.html" target="_blank">the mocking</a> <a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2009/05/asthma-allergies-ambulance-part-ii.html" target="_blank">of my own</a> <a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2009/05/asthma-allergies-ambulance-part-iii.html" target="_blank">mortality</a></span>. So, of
course, he passes away with dignity and grace while I faced my more immediate
health scare with flailing limbs and flop sweat. Figures.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Dignity" and "grace" are admittedly
hackneyed callouts that could appear on anyone's epitaph – earned or otherwise.
And, to be fair, clichés don't do John Cameron justice.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Like you and me, my grandfather was flawed. My earliest
-- <i>earliest</i> -- memories of him were taking walks around his
Long Beach neighborhood with my brother. Just the three of us. Periodically, my
grandfather would reach into an ostensibly random shrub, pull out a flask and
take a quick swig. Decades later, I smile at the imagery – equal parts shameless
and stealthy. But, those romanticized sips were symptoms of a more insidious
issue and in the spring of 1986 – when I was 13 – my grandfather's alcoholism
(nearly) killed him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The parenthetical actually serves a purpose. My
grandfather was <i>supposed</i> to die. My mother picked up my
brother and I from school several weeks after my grandfather – her father –
collapsed and was found non-responsive. She told us through tears and an
absence of sugarcoating that the doctors said he was going to die. There was
nothing more they could do…so, my grandfather beat the reaper? I guess? I don't
have much faith in the metaphysical, but I wasn't about to look a gift miracle
in the mouth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My grandfather made the most of his resurrection. He
kicked the bottle – and the flask – cold turkey. His daily libation strolls
evolved into actual exercise as my grandfather accumulated miles and miles of
walking to his biometric resume. At the time, I didn't appreciate this unscripted
second act as much as I do today. Save for a cane he now needed to steady his
gait, my grandfather was BACK and better than EVER! (See? Hackneyed.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In 1995, I was a starving college student who'd just
moved in to a studio apartment about three blocks from my grandparents. I made
$8.00/hour serving ice cream and frozen yogurt to the beautiful people on the
beach. After rent, utilities, textbooks and a steady payout for car
maintenance, I had <i>just</i> enough "walking-around
money" left over to subsist off of whatever broken waffle cones I could
embezzle out through the back door. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Not long after moving in, my grandfather called and
invited me over for dinner. Every Monday night thereafter, my grandparents
would cook an obnoxious amount of food – one night there were six Cornish game
hens stuffed with macaroni and cheese…another time, in a stockpot as tall as
the still-diminutive Mrs. Bootleg; there was enough corned beef and cabbage to
feed 80 Irelands. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And every Monday night; my grandparents would fix two
tiny plates for themselves, one king-sized feast for me and then send me home
with all the leftovers. (On Tuesday morning, while I was in class, my
grandfather would leave me a voice mail with <i>meticulous</i>
reheating instructions, since I didn't have a microwave.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My grandparents continued to feed me even after I moved
to San Diego and transferred to SDSU. When I'd come back to Long Beach for
visits, my grandfather always insisted on walking me to my car – all the way to
my car—when it was time for me to leave. He'd then give me a big hug, followed
by a firm handshake and his hilariously awkward palming of money into my hand.
My grandparents were seniors on a fixed income and he didn't want my
grandmother to know just how much he was subsidizing the contents of my
stomach. (At least, that was the explanation I received from, yup, my
grandmother.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Speaking of my grandmother – and I've written about <a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2008/11/this-ones-for-you-hazel.html" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hurricane</span></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-not-so-truncated-k-12-tales.html" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hazel</span></a> before – she passed
away in December 2001, not long after celebrating their 50<sup>th</sup> wedding
anniversary and less than a year before I jumped the broom with Mrs. Bootleg.
It hurt my heart to see my grandfather standing by himself at our wedding, but
I remember being buoyed that evening by both my wife's resplendency and my
grandfather's resiliency. His strength was the foundation for his unrehearsed
third act. A widower without his rock, my grandfather would now give his love
right back to those who loved him. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, THAT'S why I cried yesterday. I cried because of the
life – hell, the <i>lives</i> -- he lived. I cried because we got 30
more years with him than his body should've given us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him w<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ere</span>
harder than I thought. But, I can still laugh at the memory of
<i>last</i> Thanksgiving. As dinner was about to be served, I
stepped up to carve the bird. My grandfather wasn't having it. "You're not
ready", he said. "I've carved plenty of meats", I protested
meekly. "You're not ready", he repeated. "Go in the living room
and watch TV with Jalen." Banished to the kid's section…by the man of the
house.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm really not sure how long my grandfather was ill, but
I remember that he looked demonstrably weaker that day. And, through an odd
twist of fate mixed with indelicate timing, I was the only relative in the room
when the doctor came in and told my grandfather about the extent of the cancer
that was invading his prostate and metastasizing in his bones. That shit don't
sneak up on you. But, my grandfather never talked about his pain. He wouldn't
want us to worry. He went out the way he wanted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, that's SOME comfort, I suppose. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But, my GOD, I miss him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Several times throughout the year, I'd drive up to visit
him and we'd sit for hours catching up on life and talking current events or
sports or politics. My grandfather was spectacularly pragmatic, but what I
wouldn't give to hear his thoughts on the America that so gleefully elected a
man who refused to rent his properties to African-Americans and who yearns to
see five innocent men of color jailed for a crime they
<i>didn't</i> commit when they weren't much older than his
12-year-old great-grandson, Jalen.</span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzSlC7R1Dq8pjFPRfHZDODbC6BwSSFidmmE6FfTD0DNNdKkhBVYzITlJ96YRvLjLJofAEVnpmHCeVituP990dU-jQcrv4bEv-ivct7SiQ6QUq-aTzudyVFlw0WRs1y8i7KW6zF6BMvb31N/s1600/tbg_j+grandpa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzSlC7R1Dq8pjFPRfHZDODbC6BwSSFidmmE6FfTD0DNNdKkhBVYzITlJ96YRvLjLJofAEVnpmHCeVituP990dU-jQcrv4bEv-ivct7SiQ6QUq-aTzudyVFlw0WRs1y8i7KW6zF6BMvb31N/s400/tbg_j+grandpa.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But, like I said, my grandfather never talked about his
pain. He proudly served his country, but endured some unspeakable indignities
at the hands of his fellow servicemen. His so-called countrymen. The
"greatest generation", indeed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He married a white woman and raised two interracial girls
in an America that wasn't quite ready for any of it. Of course, on my
penultimate hospital visit with him, he became a one-man Black History Month
monologue and talked openly about the time he marched for voting rights in 1949
Mississippi and was shot at for his troubles. Marching for voting rights? Woo,
lord, <a href="https://www.thenation.com/article/the-gops-attack-on-voting-rights-was-the-most-under-covered-story-of-2016/" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">we need him now</span></a> more than
ever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I was six-years-old, my grandfather picked my
brother and I up from school. I remember it was a very hot day and he brought
us cans of 7-Up for the ride home. I finished mine in a millisecond, so my
grandfather stopped at the liquor store (heh) and bought me another one. From
that day on, up until the last time I visited him in his apartment, he'd always
greet me the same way: "Hey, chief! How's it going? There's 7-Up in the
refrigerator." I'd long since outgrown the cloying sweetness of soft
drinks, but I always accepted his carbonated offering and s-l-o-w-l-y sipped
that ice cold can of liquid diabetes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">On the day that my grandfather died, Jalen and I shared a
7-Up in the parking lot of a 7-11 when we returned home to San Diego. I'm
planning to have another one tonight around midnight.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcbqZaS1BNoHU6IJNpHtlm_4pc5XLX-z8YEVPPmNj9mrTn3jz-ynhyphenhyphenqwzuu9CdneYr4TQ8hThI5JmhO7oBtb-W42jmwFsLk7mKN4oql6wgaZSNarFycsSVogcVqtDehi6VWTxEvqJiDe9/s1600/tbg_7up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxcbqZaS1BNoHU6IJNpHtlm_4pc5XLX-z8YEVPPmNj9mrTn3jz-ynhyphenhyphenqwzuu9CdneYr4TQ8hThI5JmhO7oBtb-W42jmwFsLk7mKN4oql6wgaZSNarFycsSVogcVqtDehi6VWTxEvqJiDe9/s400/tbg_7up.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yesterday, I cried.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Tomorrow, I'll smile.</span></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-4773035849053486842015-07-19T15:11:00.000-07:002015-07-19T15:11:45.051-07:00The Travel Ball Compendium of Mad Libs<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My sincere thanks to this woman <a href="https://twitter.com/lisawinston" target="_blank">right here</a> for inspiring
the first TBG post in six months! I'm not even sure if any of you remember
"Mad Libs". They were ostensibly meant to make random words funny in
an age before blogs and Facebook status updates from your mom. Well, I am
NOTHING if not here for <a href="http://www.madlibs.com/history" target="_blank">obscure references</a> that only eight of you will
understand.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Travel ball is __________ (adjective). </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Truly, travel ball
is ALL of the adjectives. Simultaneously. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…close-knit</b>: My son Jalen started playing travel ball in
2012 at the age of eight. One of the managers in his Little League division put
together a team to play in a two-game charity exhibition. The squad lifted its
name from a Cleveland Indians minor league affiliate – the <a href="http://mahoningvalley.scrappers.milb.com/index.jsp?sid=t545" target="_blank">Mahoning Valley Scrappers</a> – as Jalen made baseball history by being the first African-American
to be ascribed with <i>scrappiness</i>. You see, for generations,
this trait was reserved for Lilliputian players of an exclusive…<a href="http://www.notinhalloffame.com/images/baseball/David_Eckstein.jpg" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">demographic</span></a>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">With their inherent proximity in age, geography and
affection for farts; the boys bonded quickly, holding their own against teams
that had been together longer. They played so well, in fact, that the Scrappers
entered a tournament in Lakeside later that summer. For those of you who don't
know, Lakeside is roughly 30 minutes southeast from Stately Bootleg Manor. In
August, the average high temperature is a million goddam degrees. The entire
area is nestled between the surface of the sun and the city of Santee – which,
in some circles, is better known by its <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Klantee" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">nickname</span></a>.
During the tournament, Mrs. Bootleg and I noticed the conspicuously high ratio
of confederate flags to front yards. Fun!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Oh, speaking of my wife. Before the start of this
tournament – just after sunrise on a Saturday morning – Mrs. Bootleg had spent
the previous evening on a celebratory pub crawl throughout Pacific Beach. At an
adorable 4'8", she had passed the limits for her liver (usually a
half-glass of wine) early in the evening. She showed up on Saturday in abject
agony, in desperate need of the inexplicable alcohol-absorption properties from
a really greasy breakfast. Using her feminine wiles and seductively batting her
eyelash – from the one eye she could open – my wife convinced the snack bar
attendant to start the grill FOUR hours early and prepare ONE double
cheeseburger for her…at 8:00 AM.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…cutthroat</b>: I don't harbor any illusions about my son's
skill level. He's a decent enough hitter for his age and can help out a team on
the mound, behind the plate and at the infield corners. He does have a higher
baseball IQ than most kids and, without fail, often wears the filthiest uniform
after games. There are better players, there are worse players and I'm fine
with wherever J sits on this spectrum. So, it was kind of surprising when the
travel ball coach from a team that had just defeated my son's approached me in
the parking lot after a game. "Your son did a helluva job behind the plate
today", he offered. "We're not supposed to actively recruit players
away from other teams, but if your son's interested in moving up, here's my
card."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">More recently, it would appear that someone passed along
my e-mail address to another travel ball program. A few weeks ago, I received
an unsolicited missive that read, in part: "We've been watching Jalen for
a long time and would love to make him part of our family." In or out of
context, that might be the single creepiest sentence I've ever read.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…infuriating</b>: In the summer of 2014, J was swinging the
bat as well as he ever has. He was leading off on the second day of a
tournament down in Chula Vista when he was hit on the left hand by a fastball
that drifted too far inside. The umpire, unfortunately, completely missed the
call. He ruled the pitch a ball and ordered Jalen – who’d trotted down to first
base – back to home plate. He would ultimately ground out. In the bottom of the
first inning, J went in to catch. As he stood right next to the umpire, just
after warm-ups and within earshot of everyone, I couldn’t contain myself:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">“J! J! Where’d that ball HIT you?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<i>
</i><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">“Which hand, J? Which hand? The right or the left?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<i>
</i><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">“Oh, it HIT you in the left hand? It HIT you in the
left?”</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<i>
</i><div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">“OK. Let coach know if it starts hurting. And, let that
umpire know, too.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm pretty sure it took two – possibly THREE –
moms to restrain me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…inspiring</b> <b>(and not parental negligence AT ALL)</b>: Since
the posts have been awfully sparse on this lightly-read blog, I'm going to
liberally lift from a piece I wrote more than a year ago. If this is your first
TBG experience, it's new to you!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">J had spent the months since the end of the 2013 Little
League season playing on a travel ball squad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His game had made real improvements -- both at the plate and on the
mound -- but, the most noticeable change was a newfound toughness that he
lacked in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be clear, Mrs.
Bootleg and I would never dream of pushing our only child beyond his physical
or emotional limits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, at some point,
J needed to start pushing himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mommy
and daddy can't do that for him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Near as I can tell, the turning point occurred in
October.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>J's travel ball team was
playing in a tournament down in the South Bay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As usual, the start of southern California's autumn meant dry desert
winds whistling in from the east and temperatures in the high 80s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>J pitched the second game of the day after an
early-morning two-hour tilt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Since he was six-years-old, Jalen has been susceptible to
migraine headaches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's been seeing a
specialist for the past several months and while we've seen improvement, warm
weather and physical exertion -- together -- are two of J's biggest
triggers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His symptoms are easy to spot:
glassy eyes, sluggishness, and slightly slurred speech.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After pitching the top of the first inning, I
could see the first two from the bleachers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I spoke to J briefly between innings and his barely coherent mumbling
confirmed the third.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We notified his coach, but Jalen insisted he could keep
pitching. As I paced nervously from foul pole to foul pole, J pitched five
innings -- giving in to gravity as he collapsed on the bench between innings
and dragging himself back to the mound with an internal tank that teetered
towards empty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, after figuratively
pitching his guts out for five innings, he did so literally for pretty much the
entirety of the sixth while I relayed game updates to him from the <i>visitor’s</i>
side of the wall in the bathroom stall.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">See? Totally NOT worth a call to Child Protective
Services, you guys!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHi0fmIO3Vw8W4qRcyEMWuNEMMw8bWQsCWJ4UbHtKttp7WCN8B8ypTGC9xYilyv0AE0Qqyy1tThAMosOUYyvigZ8Z11PR-7nahfVw78AwyeNzjR2UrsmQeoXm4YlaHig1BhNOrpRG4Qi1f/s1600/DSC_0018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHi0fmIO3Vw8W4qRcyEMWuNEMMw8bWQsCWJ4UbHtKttp7WCN8B8ypTGC9xYilyv0AE0Qqyy1tThAMosOUYyvigZ8Z11PR-7nahfVw78AwyeNzjR2UrsmQeoXm4YlaHig1BhNOrpRG4Qi1f/s640/DSC_0018.JPG" width="424" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…antagonistic</b>: With all due respect to the kids and
coaches, the adults on the "audience" side of the fence sometimes
contribute ALL the entertainment. At a tournament last summer, the opposing
manager was especially chirpy, loudly complaining to the umpires about any and
everything. One of the OTHER parents on my son's team essentially shouted back
"sit down and shut up". Of course, the opposing manager thought it
was ME who called him out, so he – understandably – threatened
to climb the fence and kick my ass in front of two dozen 10-year-olds. Here's a
<a href="https://bossip.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/rhoa.jpg?w=700" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">recreation of the scene in the stands</span></a>
with actors hired to play the parts of me and my wife.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">During a tournament a few months later, my son's team was
losing its grip on a late lead. With the winning run on first base, the batter
sent one to the wall. The runner on first rounded third with a full head of
steam and absolutely obliterated our catcher. Here's a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7wH15Io-Dk" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">recreation of the scene on the field</span></a> with actors hired to play the
parts of our valiant catcher and the sniveling little sh*t who instigated
EVERYTHING. From there, it was ON and CRACKIN' (as the kids used to say…or, do
they still say it?...whatever) Our coaches stormed the field in search of an
opposing coach to serve as the proxy for the ass-whipping their prepubescent
baserunner so richly deserved. Our team's parents – mostly the moms, as I
remember—were wild-eyed and collectively <a href="https://usatmmajunkie.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/bethe-correia-ufc-177-2.jpg?w=1000" target="_blank">pantomiming the universal posture</a> for
"parking lot…unless you a PUNK".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…offensive…?</b>: J’s team once played against an
all-Hispanic 10U squad from Los Angeles. The team was called – I am not making
this up – the "Frijoleros". The nickname’s definition, as lifted from Urban
Dictionary.com, is "[R]acist term applied to Mexican (and Mexican-American)
residents of the US. Translates roughly as 'one who prepares beans.'"
I assume this insignificant travel ball blurb has already been used by Fox
News in their rock-solid defense of Donald Trump by the time you've finished
this sentence.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…confusing</b>: Try to follow along, IF YOU CAN. Jalen
currently plays for the San Diego Longhorns Baseball Club – BLACK. (I know,
right?) Not to be confused with the San Diego Longhorns Baseball Club – ORANGE.
Ironically, the ORANGE team is considered the classic collection of <a href="http://cdn.pastemagazine.com/www/system/images/photo_albums/mean-mugs/large/coleman.jpg?1384968217" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Arnold Jacksons</span></a> while the BLACK team is
essentially <a href="http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/starcrush.com/files/2013/07/Danny-Cooksey-Diffrent-Strokes.jpg" target="_blank"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sam McKinney</span></a>.
Previously, J played for the Scrappers and then the Aztecs. The Aztecs name was
aped from the mascot of San Diego State University where my son’s manager
played baseball collegiately under Major League Baseball Hall of Famer Tony
Gwynn. And, J's manager? He’s now the Longhorns BLACK skipper after parting
ways with the Aztecs last summer. The Longhorns, of course, take their name
from the ubiquitous University of Texas team. BUT, word is that the
Longhorns (the college) are cracking down on unauthorized use of their name and
logo, so the current rumor around town is that J's team will STOP violating the
Longhorns' trademarks and <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">START
violating the Aztecs' trademarks</span>. Again. And, the Longhorns. Apparently.
Again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-version="4" style="background: #FFF; border-radius: 3px; border: 0; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 658px; padding: 0; width: -webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width: 99.375%; width: calc(100% - 2px);">
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<div style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;">
<a href="https://instagram.com/p/5BGpp-LLGx/" style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" target="_top">A photo posted by Aaron Cameron (@that_bootleg_guy)</a> on <time datetime="2015-07-12T01:13:51+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Jul 11, 2015 at 6:13pm PDT</time></div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br /><script async="" defer="" src="//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js"></script> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>…fun</b>: Some of the ballparks that occasionally host tournaments
serve an assortment of craft beers on tap! And, here are some great
non-beer-related things:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">J's had some fantastic coaches over the past few years.
Coach Andy was the first to give him an opportunity to play at the competitive
travel ball level while Andy's assistant Clark taught us all the different ways
an entire case of Natural Light could be smuggled into a dugout. Jalen's
received hitting lessons from former minor league all star Tracy Sanders and
pitching lessons from 24-year Major League reliever Jesse Orosco.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My son's coach for the past two-plus years has been
<a href="http://www.brandondeckerbaseball.com/#!about/ctuv" target="_blank">Brandon Decker</a>. J will never have a better coach, even though – as most of San
Diego County knows – I did coach my son's team to back-to-back second place
finishes in the Rancho Bernardo Little League Minors Division tournament AND
guided the 2014 9/10 All Star team to third place in the entire district.
(Well, NOW you know. Jerks.) Decker has patience in spades and teaches the game
from the perspective of someone who learned from a Hall of Famer. His players
would run through a brick wall for him – with J leading the way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Travel ball parents are a different breed, baby. One –
ONE! – of our moms is tasked with running the administration of a travel ball
team. In no particular order, she collects monthly dues, balances the books,
makes and distributes the schedule, tracks down lost caps, replaces outgrown
jerseys, sends out emails...oh, and her husband brings Karl Strauss Red Trolley Ale
to the games, so they're BOTH valuable! There's the one-armed man who brings
his work with him to every game, but stops everything when his son's on the
mound, confounding kids with an assortment of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pdjgdb-OxY8" target="_blank">old-man drop balls</a>. And, I can't
forget the parents of J's hyper-polite teammate who have opened their home to
my son, treated him like family and introduced him to new and unusual things,
such as cooked carrots.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The travel ball experience wouldn't be possible without
Mrs. Bootleg and Jalen, obviously. And, while my wife graciously drives us home
from those ballparks that (over)serve craft beer, it's our son who has brought
both of us along on this wonderful ride.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOiUYBOmbAh-zBEqWxJjl3n2ysssOqJWLKEkOhn0qX2-kRcMc0Oe-V__OupIGj63cIhP0AOYpqRglRQCNHk6-sI1n3AtR-hCRUTyxIPl2F3jA5bh1Wcz9M6anhNV3MH4VaWNHAsRZqOUF-/s1600/DSC_0229.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOiUYBOmbAh-zBEqWxJjl3n2ysssOqJWLKEkOhn0qX2-kRcMc0Oe-V__OupIGj63cIhP0AOYpqRglRQCNHk6-sI1n3AtR-hCRUTyxIPl2F3jA5bh1Wcz9M6anhNV3MH4VaWNHAsRZqOUF-/s400/DSC_0229.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-15814837405253510042015-02-01T14:58:00.001-08:002015-02-01T16:05:55.783-08:002015 NFL Pickery -- Super Bowl XLIX<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Happy Super Bowl Sunday! My improbable playoff pickin' run continued two weeks ago, as I'm an unconscious 8-2 against the spread (and 9-1 straight-up). Joe, meanwhile, remains one HELL of a writer. You can find his work on <a href="http://joereid.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> and -- in 140-character form -- on <a href="https://twitter.com/joereid" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. Like me, he went 2-0 in last week's games, but in the standings, we're still <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfdXbTRVRzc" target="_blank">sending our love down the well</a> (ALL THE WAY DOWN) to him.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Joe</b>: I'm just going to say it: I loved the h*ck out of
Deflate-gate. It was wonderful. Two weeks of Boston sports fans being put
through the wringer, having to figure out ways to be defensive about the
scandal without appearing to take it too seriously. Because those were the twin
secret weapons of Deflategate: hilarity and stupidity. Nobody actually
thought that deflating the balls (which they probably did) was the actual reason
the Patriots beat the Colts two Sundays ago. It would've been way less fun if
there were actual victims here. Instead, we had a victimless crime that made
the perpetrators look small and petty and foolish and squirrelly. All terrible
things! All now applicable to the New England Patriots and, by extension, their
fans! Sure 70% of the op-eds were self-serious drivel, and the other 30% were
self-righteous bashing of the ones who were taking it seriously. But I didn't
tell you to watch SportsCenter every night. That's on you. I just got to sit
back and snipe on Twitter and imagine Bill Belichick giving a secret order to
execute Action Plan Charlie, which is the code word in the Patriots'
organization for delating footballs. The whole thing would have been worth it
even if Bill Simmons hadn't written a 180,000-word column on why the Pats are
now in FU mode and Cobra Kai and Ewing Theory and click this link to a Jimmy
Kimmel segment. But OF COURSE he also did that, and it was great. It's gonna be
such a bummer if the Patriots win. <b>Patriots 28, Seahawks 24</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><b>Aaron</b>: As we all learned from Clint Eastwood's
latest fever dream for flyover country, this…is…AMERICA. You're free to root
for either team, bet on either team or just watch the game for the camaraderie,
commercials and Katy Perry. You're also free to <i>hate</i> either
team. Keep in mind, though, that if you hate the Seahawks you're wrong, wrong,
WRONG. You hate Richard Sherman for his lack of nationally televised postgame
decorum? Please, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9uf_Ugt18w" target="_blank">tell me more</a>. Marshawn Lynch makes BILLIONS, you say. Possibly
TRILLIONS. He should be GRATEFUL the press wants to talk to him. Someone should
tell him to quit giving non-answers! Yes…yes…<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVi1I6YT2j0" target="_blank">go on</a>. The Seahawks fans are
NOTHING but a bunch of bandwagoners who only arrived after their team won a
world championship. Oh, go find your own pictures of the 2004 Red Sox and 2002
Patriots. YOU GET THE IDEA. Anyways…this spread makes no sense. None. The
Seahawks opened as slight favorites, within 24 hours it was a "pick
'em", the Patriots emerged as slight favorites and now it's sliding back
towards a "pick 'em". The Seahawks defensive front just might
obliterate Tom Brady, 58, once and for all. There's no real answer on the Pats'
side for Lynch's systematic manslaughter of run defenses, either. The Seahawks
are doing you a FAVOR, America. You're welcome. <b>Seahawks 24, Patriots 20</b></span></span></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-57054862794100992952015-01-18T11:49:00.001-08:002015-01-18T11:49:29.355-08:002015 NFL Pickery -- AFC/NFC Championship Weekend, SON<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">With another 3-1 (against the spread) weekend, I'm now 6-2 with my NFL playoff picks and 7-1, straight up! And, my friend Joe wrote ANOTHER <a href="http://joereid.tumblr.com/post/108085633047/confessions-from-the-nerd-list" target="_blank">wonderful post</a> on the Academy Awards! Read it several times or as often as it takes to remove the taste of an 0-4 against-the-spread weekend from Joe's mouth.</span></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Green Bay at Seattle (-7.5)</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe: </b>It's
tough not to simply remember back to September, when the Seahawks
creamed the Packers on opening day, and it looked like these two were in
completely different classes. And the Packers have looked shockingly
vulnerable at times this season, or do I have to remind you all yet
again about a little team called the BUFFALO BILLS? Anyway, what kind of
non-football comparison can I make to help me with my decision? Green
Bay is too small to be the setting for any TV shows. No wrestlers hail
from there. Food, I guess? Seattle is famous for its commercial-chain
coffee (by far preferred by me over that pungent brew known as <i>actual</i> coffee)
and for its fish markets. All that gets stacked up against ... cheese.
Delicious, life-giving, artery-clogging cheese. Salty, creamy,
spreadable, edible, ideal for parties both casual and fancy, pairs as
well with wine as it does saltines. Can't f*ck with cheese. Cheese
covers. <b>Seahawks 26, Packers 23</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b> </b><br /></span></span><div class="gmail_default">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Well played, Joe. You get cheese AND knowingly back me into an
infinitely dorkier corner. *sigh* You sonofbitch. Anyways...as Joe damn
well KNOWS...there IS a pro wrestler who hails from
Green...Bay...Wisconsin. He <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-I97ZcHWjU" target="_blank">performed in WWE</a> at the same time as Joe's
BFF Buffalonian Beth Phoenix. JOE KNOWS THIS. And, since we're down the
faux sport rabbit hole, the obvious Seahawks proxy is Seattle's own Greg
"The Hammer" Valentine. <a href="http://www.wwe.com/superstars/gregvalentine" target="_blank">The Hammer</a> won often, won ugly, and was one of
the <a href="http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a352/adamfirestorm/ValentinePWI.jpg" target="_blank">best dressed competitors</a> in the circuit. See? Just LIKE the
Seahawks! Similarly, The Hammer's breakthrough as part of a team came when
he aligned himself with a <a href="https://ssl2005.webhosting.comcast.net/mossfamily.comcastbiz.net/merchantmanager/images/uploads/img065.jpg" target="_blank">flamboyant pretty boy</a>. Russell Wilson IS
Brutus Beefcake, people! See what happens when Joe gets to the good
analogies before me? SEE?! <b>Seahawks 23, Packers 20</b></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Indianapolis at New England (-7)</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe: </b>Gahhhhh
we were so close last week. Damn it, Joe Flacco. But I knew it was too
much to hope that the Ravens would cut this Patriots season short. Now
we have to put all our hopes in the hands of Andrew Luck and whatever
folks he happened to load onto the plane with him from Indianapolis.
I'll say one thing for that Ravens game: it got us to the Brag Point in
New England. That fanbase is so superstitious and so in love with
tragedy that, Patriots fans especially, they get cagey when they think
their team is good. But inside, there's a braggy Masshole just waiting
to bust out. And when that finally happens, when the team starts winning
enough that New Englanders start to feel like their team is jinx-proof,
the resulting boastfulness is so good. Because now they have someplace
to fall. (See: both Giants Super Bowls; that time the Jets beat them in
the playoffs.) So did the Ravens game push Pats fans past the bragging
point? <a href="http://grantland.com/the-triangle/the-15th-round/" target="_blank">Uhhh, not sure. Did it?</a> <b>Patriots 31, Colts 20</b></span></span></div>
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<br /><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> It's inevitable. You can't escape it, America. The Patriots are
heading back to the Super Bowl. Six months of personal investment in the
NFL season...for this. Did you know that Tom Brady is married to a
supermodel? Did you know that Rob Gronkowski is a free spirit? Did you
know that Bill Belichick is a grumpy, monosyllabic sourpuss? Well get
ready to learn it all over again! And, who'll be the first sports
journalist with the hard-hitting "From Super Bowl to The Hole" piece on
Aaron Hernandez? Hahaha...just kidding. We all know it'll be Jeremy
Schaap. And speaking of ESPN...at least we all have something that we
collectively root for: the post-Super Bowl Patriots loss Bill Simmons
post. Unfortunately, that means two weeks of podcasts and columns with
Bill, his dad, Jacko, House, Ralph Malph and the rest of the Little
Rascals. Cracked eggs & omelettes, y'all. <b>Patriots 44, Colts 14</b></span></span></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-35909178314071372642015-01-10T09:30:00.000-08:002015-01-10T09:30:41.994-08:002015 NFL Pickery -- Divisional DEVASTATION<div class="gmail_default">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Welcome back! Hopefully, some of you took our advice last week in furtherance of your casual gambling addictions. I was 3-1 against the spread
(and 3-1 straight-up) while Joe was 2-2. But, he did post a <a href="http://joereid.tumblr.com/post/107143979602/here-my-i-guess-3rd-annual-now-movie-yearbook" target="_blank">wonderful cinematic piece</a> on his blog this week, easily making up the one-game
difference. Then, again, he also picked Ryan Lindley on the road last
week which wipes out every good thing Joe's done or said so far this
century.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /><span class="im"><div class="gmail_default">
<b>Baltimore at New England (-7)</b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Joe:</span> </b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">We're
well familiar with my feelings about the New England Patriots by now.
I'm every bit as irrational, spiteful, and petty on the subject of the
Patriots as Cam is about his beloved San Diego Chargers. I'm also well
aware of how my fervent desire to see the Patriots upended can sometimes
lead me to being more optimistic about their opponents than I should
be. It's true that Baltimore has had New England's number in the
playoffs in the past. More realistic: the Ravens last beat a playoff
team in September; six of their ten wins came against the AFC South, the
Titans and the Jaguars; and two more against the Cleveland Browns.
There's no way I'm this lucky. <b>Patriots 38, Ravens 10</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /><b>Aaron:</b> Handsome Joe Reid and his overt reverse jinx, ladies and gentlemen!
He also dances for nickels! And, what's all this noise about me and my
"irrational...spiteful" pettiness towards the San Diego Chargers?
Moments after the Chargers 2014 season came to a GLORIOUSLY inglorious
end, I tweeted out heartfelt sympathies on behalf of me and my
10-year-old son. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
Hey <a href="https://twitter.com/Chargers">@chargers</a>! Happy Holidays from the whole damn Cam Fam! <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/boltdown?src=hash">#boltdown</a> <a href="http://t.co/cWFCKCz0w9">pic.twitter.com/cWFCKCz0w9</a><br />
— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/status/549311143957655553">December 28, 2014</a></blockquote>
<br /><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="gmail_default">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">ANYways...these random Joe Flacco factoids
(Flac-toids?), you guys. 166 consecutive pass attempts in the playoffs
without an interception! His postseason record is 7-2 since 2010! In his
last five playoff games, Flacco and the Ravens have defeated Andrew
Luck(!), Peyton Manning(!!), Tom Brady(!!!), Colin Kaepernick(?) and Ben
Roethlisberger (hell, I don't know..."ampersand", maybe?). As for the
Patriots, it's pretty lazy to turn every piece of their playoff analysis
into "Brady-to-Gronkowski", but it's early, I've only had one cup of
coffee and I don't feel like looking up the names of anyone else on
their offensive roster. <b>Patriots 21, Ravens 16</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b> </b></span></span></div>
<div class="gmail_default">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><div class="gmail_default">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Carolina at Seattle (-11)</span></b></span></div>
<div class="gmail_default">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Joe: </b>Fine.
Wonderful. The Panthers have climbed their way up to 8-8-1, though
they'll have to reach the Super Bowl if they want to end their season
with a winning record. Clearly, with the Seahawks' home-field advantage,
the gravy train stops here. The question, though, is that point spread.
Aside from their two recent games against the Cardinals (which we can
set aside as highly compromised), the Seahawks only beat a team by 11
or more points four times all season. The Panthers played them to a
rather ugly 13-9 decision in October. Splitting the difference is
probably foolish at this stage, but hell, I've got some ground to make
up for being the idiot that bet on Ryan Lindley to win outright. <b>Seahawks 27, Panthers 17</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Aaron:</b>
Damn it. Joe pretty much encapsulated all of my concerns with this
point spread. If Seattle gets out to an early blowout lead, aren't they
likely to take their foot off the gas pedal? Cam Newton is one of the
more fascinating players of this era. He's criticized for silly things
like body language and his press conference attire -- and I mean
THOUSANDS of words have been written about this nonsense -- but, is
rarely praised for things like, y'know, taking downfield hits from
safeties while scrambling for a first down with broken bones in his
back. The Panthers field two septuagenarian running backs, none of you
could name their starting wide receivers and I'm supposed to believe
that Cam Newton is the problem? Child, please. <b>Seahawks 24, Panthers 14</b></span></span></div>
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<b>Dallas at Green Bay (-6.5)</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Joe:</span> </b>The wind <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1593913157" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ">on Sunday</span></span> is going to make it feel like 3 degrees <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1593913158" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ">on Sunday</span></span>. Maybe those kinds of cryo conditions will keep Aaron Rodgers intact (though remember that <a href="http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l6n5ap8EKb1qc073co1_400.gif" target="_blank">doesn't always work out</a>).
After last week's national outrage over the Cowboys winning after a
botched defensive-holding no-call (like Jim Caldwell wouldn't have found
a way to screw up regardless), I'm kind of rooting for the Cowboys.
Particularly if Jerry Jones can keep goading right-wing politicians into
alienating their voters every week. Could be a fun gimmick! Too bad the
Cowboys don't have the defense to pull it off. <b>Packers 24, Cowboys 7</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Aaron:</b>
The conspiracy theory exercise is SO silly. This idea that NFL
commissioner Roger Goodell -- whose incompetence at, y'know, COVER-UPS,
came to light during the Ray Rice fiasco -- could mastermind a
confidence game involving entire officiating crews, television networks
and the mummified remains of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones...I mean, who
thinks this is plausible?! WHO?! This is another interesting spread in
that it opened before news of Packers QB Aaron Rodgers and his
(partially?) torn calf muscle broke. I'm not subscribing to the current
narrative that the Packers are a team of mediocre pieces held together
by Rodgers' moxie, but the cold conditions can't be conducive to an
elite athlete with a leg injury. That said, until Cowboys QB Tony Romo
wins a second round playoff game on the road, I ain't picking him to win
a second round playoff game on the road. <b>Packers 20, Cowboys 17</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Indianapolis at Denver (-7)</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Joe: </b>We're
getting another Manning/Brady AFC Championship Game. We just are. Now
let's all work on getting Andrew Luck an actual football team to back
him up for next year. <b>Broncos 35, Colts 21</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Aaron:</b>
Not so fast, Joe! Have you forgotten who's the quarterback for the
Broncos? It's Peyton Manning. You might remember him from such
disappointing January playoff performances as a home loss to the hapless
Chargers in 2008, a road loss to the hapless Chargers in 2009, a home
loss to MARK SANCHEZ in 2011 and a home loss to Joe Flacco (remember? we
covered this...) in 2013. Manning's arm strength never really returned
after his umpteenth neck surgery and he looks even more noodle-armed
than ever before. The Colts aren't a very good team, but Andrew Luck IS a
very good quarterback who, at this stage of his career, is better than
the orange-clad, aging QB who's obviously on the descent from his
previous Rocky Mountain high standards. Feel free to use that on
Monday's <i>First Take</i>, @RealSkipBayless. <b>Colts 24, Broncos 23</b></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-81158192720969880892015-01-03T08:58:00.000-08:002015-01-03T08:58:46.435-08:002015 NFL Pickery -- Wildcard Weekend<div class="gmail_default">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Hello! Welcome back to the Bootleg! It's been awhile! Again!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm Aaron. I started this lightly-read blog way back in December 2006 after writing a weekly music column for three years and picking up two writer-of-the-year awards. Shameless? Hells yeah! Seriously, though...one of my favorite takeaways from that time was meeting the ridiculously talented Joe Reid. We started writing on the same website, then Joe went on to write for <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/joe-reid/" target="_blank">The Atlantic</a>, <a href="http://grantland.com/contributors/joe-reid/" target="_blank">Grantland</a> and a bazillion other sites.</span></span><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">You can also find him on <a href="https://twitter.com/joereid" target="_blank">Twitter</a> and <a href="http://joereid.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a>.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">(I'm on <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, too! And, <a href="http://instagram.com/that_bootleg_guy/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>! Indulge my self-indulgence!)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Wait, back to Joe. He's a dear friend and a wonderful writer and I'm grateful he can turn away from journalistic fame and fortune to (occasionally) remember where he came from. These football playoff picks are the closest thing we have to an annual tradition around here. Try not to focus on the picks -- especially MINE, you jerks -- and, instead, enjoy the snark, sarcasm and timeless <i>Simpsons</i> references.</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Arizona at Carolina (-5.5)</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe: </b>Man,
I hate picking playoff games for teams with losing records. History
already seems to be waving its middle finger at all of us with this
thing. It stands to reason that any and all prediction attempts will be
met with a similar response. The inclination not to want to
underestimate Carolina (they managed to win at the end of the season
when it counted, after all, including a road thrashing of Atlanta; plus
they have Cam Newton, played this season by Bruce Willis from <i>Unbreakable</i>)
may well lead to underestimating the Cardinals even more. The state of
Arizona hasn't seen the kind of carnage this injured Cardinals team has
gone through since Kurt Russell mowed down all the scenery in <i>Tombstone</i> ...
but they still managed to win a few games. And honestly? At least the
Cardinals' season made sense. There was no rhyme or reason to the
Panthers' playoff push. I'll take the points and avert my eyes. <b>Cardinals 19, Panthers 17</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b>
It could be argued that TWO professional football teams desperately
missed aging, peg leg QB Carson Palmer -- the *2002* Heisman Trophy
winner -- during the 2014 season. While the Raiders continue to limp
along with their inconsistent lottery ticket behind center, the
Cardinals were forced to turn to San Diego State alum Ryan Lindley --
who, later today, will make history as the worst QB to ever start a
playoff game. How bad is Ryan Lindley? His career QB rating is 50.3 --
three-tenths of a point better than Ryan Leaf. How bad was Ryan Leaf?
Historically terrible! Some people -- like the affable bearded guy in
the paragraph above -- are gonna overthink this a <i>wee</i>
bit. Sometimes, in fact, NFL games simply play out like an episode of
<i>The Simpsons</i> -- specifically, <a href="http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130923172104/simpsons/images/0/0e/Bart_Star_77.JPG" target="_blank">this episode</a>. <b>Panthers 33, Cardinals 3</b></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-3.5)</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe: </b>Baltimore
and Pittsburgh. Two hardy northeastern cities. Each one boasting
hallowed places in the football firmament (Unitas! Bradshaw! Dilfer!).
More importantly, these cities were the setting for the two most
trenchant, hard-hitting, Emmy-ignored TV series of the 21st century. Of
course I'm talking about <i>The Wire</i> and <i>Queer as Folk</i> (U.S.).
Okay, I'm having some fun. In truth, in a very real way, this matchup
boils down to the team that jettisoned Ray Rice at the beginning of its
season, versus the team that's been paying Ben Roethlisberger's salary
steadily ever since his ... I guess we can say "indiscretion." Viva
football! <b>Steelers 27, Ravens 13</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b>
Hee! One of my favorite running jokes from when Joe and I used to pick
games and write up to 32 paragraphs EVERY SINGLE WEEK was that it seemed
the Ravens and Steelers played each other eight times per season with
an average final score of 14-12. (Oh, shut up...not EVERY running joke
is going to be gold.) Anyways...are we <i>sure</i>
Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin is a <i>good</i> coach?
He's racked up the regular season wins (.641 career winning percentage)
but has some embarrassing January losses on his resume -- including Tim
Tebow's only playoff win! Remember Tim Tebow? He was your rebuttal when I
called Ryan Lindley the worst QB to ever start a playoff game.
<i>I stand by my earlier assertion!</i> <b>Steelers
14, Ravens 12</b><br /></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cincinnati at Indianapolis (-4.5)</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe: </b>Two
teams who looked fantastic in the first half of the season and at times
godawful during the second half. Colts beat the Bengals 27-0 back in
October. The Bengals can run the ball when the Colts cannot. Cincinnati
was the site of the seminal 1970s sitcom <i>WKRP in Cincinnati</i>. Indianapolis was the setting of the seminal 1970s sitcom <i>One Day at a Time</i>. <i>One Day at a Time </i>had a better opening credits theme song. <b>Colts 31, Bengals 20</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b> </b> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b>
Joe is not wrong. Although, I would argue that <i>WKRP</i>
wins if the category is "most memorable post-show career by an alumnus".
Howard Hesseman seamlessly transitioned from DJ Doctor Johnny Fever to
schoolteacher Charlie Moore on ABC's <i>Head of the
Class</i>, while Valerie Bertinelli's run as overwrought
thin-lipped imp-in-peril in those Lifetime TV movies drags down her
current work on <i>Hot in Cleveland</i>. So, clearly,
that..wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. From Howard Hesseman's Wikipedia
page: "[Hesseman] also played Sam Royer, the man who married Ann Romano
(Bonnie Franklin) on <i>One Day at a Time</i>. *mind
blown**BLOWN* <b>Colts 27, Bengals 13</b></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Detroit at Dallas (-7.5)</span></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe: </b>I
think these are probably the two best teams playing on Wild Card
weekend. One of them will have to lose so that the Carolina Panthers
might advance. That is super fucked up. Regardless, I think everybody's
been waiting for the other shoe to drop with this Cowboys team, but they
kind of seem incredibly solid and put-together. Even scarier? If I can
forget that Jerry Jones is the team owner, I ... kind of like these
Cowboys? I know. I feel alone in a cold and unfeeling universe too. <b>Cowboys 27, Lions 24</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b>
Yeah, I'm also kinda-sorta OK with this Cowboys team and don't hate
Tony Romo nearly as much as you mouth-breathers with your
"#hotsportstake" tweets. Then, again, I also liked those cocaine and
strippers-fueled Cowboys teams of the mid-1990s -- mostly for the muted
humility of CB/WR Deion Sanders. Yes, head coach Barry Switzer was a
scrunchy-faced buffoon, but America quickly forgave his imbecilic ways
when Switzer joined another erstwhile Cowboys head coach (Jimmy Johnson)
to form a modern-day Statler & Waldorf for Fox Sports' NFL pregame
show. By my count, that's, like, three nearly watchable things that the
Fox family of networks has given us since 1997, so...yay? <b>Cowboys 30, Lions 20</b></span></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-70065099019790291002014-03-08T17:24:00.003-08:002014-03-08T17:29:43.612-08:00The LL Chronicles #27: Father's Day<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know
if my team is any good this year.</span></span></div>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Meeting coach at bar to prepare final player
rankings for Little League draft. Uncomfortably loud & honest
assessment of kids forthcoming.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">— Aaron C. (@ThatBootlegGuy)
<a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/statuses/426877378590015488">January
25, 2014</a></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Baseball
managers are expected to speak in platitudes instead of trafficking in truth;
but I drafted the 11 boys who'll be wearing Athletics green and gold through
the first week of June.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I drafted the
tall, lanky and bespectacled lad who earnestly tried to stop a groundball with
his foot, instead of his glove, at a recent practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I drafted the short, surly and bespectacled
child who does not speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's the
damndest thing, but I assume it's a tribute to "Calvin" from one of
the most </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kX6rf9uw7w" target="new">criminally underrated movies</a></b><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> in cinematic history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I drafted the hustling, bust-his-butt,
bespectacled kid who'd never played baseball before this...hey, wait.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">I DRAFTED
THREE KIDS WHO WEAR GLASSES.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, don't
look at me like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wore glasses for
years before Lasik surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's just
that in 2014, ballplayers who wear glasses are exceedingly rare and only </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://blogs.kqed.org/newsfix/2014/02/26/as-face-giants-in-spring-opener-after-winning-key-face-matchup/" target="new">ironically feted</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></b>30 years ago, they were some of the coolest baseball cards in the
pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn't that right, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61sy3MCuZAL._SL1048_.jpg" target="new">Mike</a></b>, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://img.beckett.com/images/items_stock/185223/3904714/3905236/back.jpg" target="new">Reggie</a></b> and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://img.beckett.com/images/items_stock/185223/3852907/3853538/front.jpg" target="new">Mike</a></b>?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our practices throughout the month of February were -- to
put it politely -- "unpolished".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I'd been spoiled by the team I managed last year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We weren't the most talented squad, but most
of the kids' collective baseball acumen belied their ages, so the
less-experienced players had on-field examples to follow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We finished the regular season just 8-7-1,
but hit our stride in the playoffs before losing in the championship game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That team was led by an 11-year-old named
Jordan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jordan -- who bore more than a passing resemblance to a
certain <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTc1Njg3ODY2NV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNjI4MDI2._V1_SY317_CR15,0,214,317_.jpg" target="new">child actor</a></b> -- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>batted third or fourth for me all season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pitched nearly 30% of our team's total
innings played -- even after missing a week with a strained bicep that may OR
MAY NOT have been caused by overusage.*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After our first practice, I took him aside and asked him
to take on a leadership role.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was the
oldest player on the team and accepted my offer with a respectful "Yes,
coach."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Much to my surprise, he
took his unofficial captaincy seriously -- mentoring the less-experienced
players and reigning in the raucous dugout when the 9 and 10-year-olds in it were
acting like 9 and 10-year-olds.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><small>* -- In a transparent attempt to distract
you from my ALLEGED abuse of an underage arm, here's <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://baseballanalysts.com/archives/2007/04/prior_and_wood_1.php" target="new">an unrelated link</a></b> that bares NO similarity to the
situation described above. None.</small></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My son Jalen turned 10 in February.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, whether I like it or not, I'm losing my
"little boy".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He decided to grow
his hair out last summer, much to the consternation of his father who was
raised in a Marine Corps household.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His
taste in music is wildly eclectic -- like my wife's -- circuitously meandering
from Motown to obnoxious pop to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThfVvz-h-Lw" target="new">rap
acts</a></b> that have passed me by.**<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Earlier this week, after arriving at school, Jalen leaned forward from
the backseat and told me, "OK, dad, let's get this over with: I love you.
Now, hug me."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last year, he
established no less than 10 feet of distance must separate us when I'm
walking him to class.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><small>** -- If I told you that Jalen had the CLEAN
version on his iPod, you'd believe me, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>PLEASE DON'T CALL CPS.</small></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J has spent the months since the end of his last Little
League season playing on a travel ball squad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His game has made real improvements -- both at the plate and on the
mound -- but, the most noticeable change is a newfound toughness that he lacked
in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be clear, Mrs. Bootleg
and I would never dream of pushing our only child beyond his physical or
emotional limits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, at some point, J
needed to start pushing himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mommy
and daddy can't do that for him.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Near as I can tell, the turning point occurred last
October.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>J's travel ball team was
playing in a tournament down in Chula Vista.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As usual, the start of southern California's autumn meant dry desert
winds whistling in from the east and temperatures in the high 80s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>J pitched the second game of the day after an
early-morning two-hour tilt.</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir_kQkjqXvyY8KEgyvGD73E2KAj_Ayc1NB0FMKIWrk4UPU8aeuOjp4Gp4afHSEB-qebhnm805uonIIRyQLVi3KUlSPtGTCqfzKMTD03-niergcB_0fJiEFHE2PImsky4UvB73MMGAGDZ61/s1600/119.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir_kQkjqXvyY8KEgyvGD73E2KAj_Ayc1NB0FMKIWrk4UPU8aeuOjp4Gp4afHSEB-qebhnm805uonIIRyQLVi3KUlSPtGTCqfzKMTD03-niergcB_0fJiEFHE2PImsky4UvB73MMGAGDZ61/s1600/119.JPG" height="400" width="265" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since he was six-years-old, Jalen has been susceptible to
migraine headaches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's been seeing a
specialist for the past several months and while we've seen improvement, warm
weather and physical exertion -- together -- are two of J's biggest
triggers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His symptoms are easy to spot:
glassy eyes, sluggishness, slightly slurred speech.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After pitching the top of the first inning, I
could see two of three from the bleachers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I spoke to J briefly between innings and his barely coherent mumbling
confirmed the third.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We notified his coach, but Jalen insisted he could keep
pitching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I paced nervously from foul
pole to foul pole, J pitched five innings -- giving in to gravity as he
collapsed on the bench between innings and dragging himself back to the mound
with an internal tank that teetered towards empty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, after figuratively pitching his guts out
for five innings, he did so literally for pretty much the entirety of the
sixth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, how could I
<i>not</i> make history with this kid?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Little League! 10 y/o son is 1st
African-American pitcher to start opener for <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23Athletics&src=hash">#Athletics</a>
since Dave Stewart. (Black history is EVERY month.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">— Aaron
C. (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/statuses/441723752166871042">March
6, 2014</a></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wearing gleaming white cleats and an
unsanctioned-by-Little League fitted A's cap with a flat yellow brim
<small>(grumble)</small>, Jalen took the mound last Thursday
evening against the White Sox.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
retired the first two batters before his friend Daniel stepped to the
plate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Daniel is one of the bigger and
stronger kids in our division.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He walloped
a grand slam home run over the left field wall in All Stars last summer and two
years ago, he hit a bomb off Jalen that ricocheted off the top of the fence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J fretted all week over how to pitch to Daniel, then
proceeded to hang an 0-1 change-up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Daniel hit a sky-high fly ball to centerfield.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'd stationed a small kid named Nicholas out there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Throughout the entire month of February, he
<i>might've</i> caught two balls that were hit or thrown to
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, OF COURSE, he calmly sticks up
his glove and pulls this one down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nicholas sprinted back to the dugout, beating half the team in and
wearing an ear-to-ear grin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Me: "Nicholas!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>GREAT catch!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Nicholas:
"Thanks,coach!Icouldn'tbelieveIcaughtit!Didyousee?!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>
</i></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Me: "Get some water, son."</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jalen singled to lead off the bottom of the first, stole
second and scored on two of those ubiquitous Little League baseball
overthrows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went back out to the
mound, striking out two in the second inning and three in the third.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After three innings, we led 9-0 and
eventually won 14-5.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><blockquoteclass lang="en" twitter-tweet=""></blockquoteclass></span><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">10 y/o son's pitching line from first Little League game tonight: 3 IP, 1 hit, 0 runs, 0 walks, 6 strikeouts. Your move <a href="https://twitter.com/JustinVerlander">@JustinVerlander</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">— Aaron C. (@ThatBootlegGuy) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy/statuses/441796888275062784">March 7, 2014</a></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
<br /><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><blockquoteclass lang="en" twitter-tweet=""></blockquoteclass></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I still don't know if my team is any good this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My coaches and I will turn these kids into
better ballplayers, if nothing else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It's still early and there's a long season ahead.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's getting late for me and my "little boy",
though.</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess I need to get used to giving him the ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-79918536353730495742014-02-02T14:50:00.001-08:002014-02-02T14:50:27.660-08:002014 NFL Pickery -- Super Bowl XLVIII
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Seattle v. Denver (-2.5)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Big one. Not a prediction to be
taken lightly. This goes beyond Seattle's league-best defense versus Denver's
league-best offense. This goes beyond Peyton Manning vs. Richard Sherman,
Marshawn Lynch vs. the media, or <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.outsports.com/2014/1/17/5318322/eric-decker-shirtless-gq-photo-spread-wife-jessie-james" target="new">Eric Decker</a> </b>vs. Shirts (BOOOOOOOO, Shirts!). There
are so many categories that need to be investigated:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best <i>Real World</i> Season: This one's
easy. Seattle was either the best or maaaaaybe the second-best season of the
entire series. Denver may well have been the worst. <u>Advantage</u>: Seahawks</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Wrestler: The Rocky Mountains of Denver are
represented by Vader. Seattle gets Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Vader
was a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwK4Ox0msao" target="new">monster WCW champ</a></b> back in the day, while Valentine
had to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blzTKEKvoVY" target="new">dye his hair black</a></b> and join a tag team with the
Honky Tonk Man AND his finisher was the figure-four leg lock in an era when Ric
Flair owned that move. <u>Advantage</u>: Broncos</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Movie: Movies set in Seattle include <em>Singles, The
Ring, My Own Private Idaho, and The Fabulous Baker Boys</em>. Denver is stuck with
Things <em>to Do in Denver When You're Dead</em> and half of <em>About Schmidt</em>. <u>Advantage</u>:
Seahawks</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, that makes it easier, doesn't it? </span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Prediction</strong>: Seattle 29, Denver 21</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> JOE TOOK ALL THE GOOD COMPS.
That means I either have to scrape the bottom of the pop culture comparison
barrel or offer up well-informed insight and analysis on football -- a sport I
played at the Pop Warner level for one ill-fated season in 1985, before a fake
injury sidelined me after one game.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best TV Series: <i>Mork & Mindy</i> was
actually set in Boulder, Colorado, not Denver. <i>South Park</i>
isn't in Denver, either, so that leaves us either with the Disney Channel's
kid-friendly <i>Good Luck, Charlie</i>
and...<i>Dynasty</i>! What Seattle got? <i>Frasier</i>?
Oh, no. No, no, no. <i>Dynasty</i> had that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cF2Opqt-iKU" target="new">theme music</a></b>! Krystal and Alexis! And, when Diahann
Carroll joined the cast, my mom about lost her mind. ("<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julia_(TV_series)" target="new">Julia's</a></b> back! They put Julia back on TV!")
This one ain't close, kids. <u>Advantage</u>: Broncos</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best Brands: Remember <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.adweek.com/adfreak/corporate-states-america-map-shows-each-states-most-famous-brand-150794" target="new">this link</a></b> from everyone's Facebook pages and
Twitter retweets last summer? It makes for a conveniently decisive second fall
here. Coors vs. Starbucks?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Big-brand
"banquet" beer vs. commercialized coffee? Sorry, but only one of
these beverages got me through the first few months of fatherhood, back when
Jalen wasn't sleeping through the night and the stress of his delicate medical
condition weighed heavily on my mind. No, it's was Starbucks. <u>Advantage</u>:
Seahawks</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Best <i>G.I. Joe</i> Character: <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifeline_(G.I._Joe)" target="new">Lifeline</a></b> (real name: Edwin J. Steen) debuted in
1986 during the "Serpentor" season of the animated television series.
The Seattle native most famously helped Roadblock regain his sight in 1987's
excellent (and underappreciated) G.I. Joe movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawk_(G.I._Joe)#Cartoon" target="new">Hawk</a></b> (real name: Clayton M. Abernathy) also debuted
during the "Arise, Serpentor..." miniseries. Born in Denver, he
followed Duke and Flint as the on-air leader of the Joes. He wasn't as
two-dimensional as Duke and nowhere near as douchey as Flint, but he IS the
commander who -- in the cartoon storyline -- recruited Sgt. Slaughter to whip
the Joes into fighting shape. Oof, those Sgt. Slaughter episodes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Advantage</u>: Seahawks</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Prediction</strong>: Seattle 30, Denver 28</span><br />
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-28614354144296230712014-01-19T09:38:00.000-08:002014-01-19T09:38:43.386-08:002014 NFL Pickery -- AFC/NFC Championship, Chicken & Waffles<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Last Week, Straight Up</u>: Joe (3-1);
Aaron (2-2)</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Last Week, vs. Spread</u>: Joe (2-2);
Aaron (2-2)</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Total, Straight Up</u>: Joe (6-2); Aaron (3-5)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Total, vs. Spread</u>: Joe (3-4-1); Aaron
(4-4)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>New England at Denver (-5)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> There's no better time for New
England to get beat than when their fans have worked themselves up into a
lather of Manning-based overconfidence. It would be tempting to suspect that
the universe would be looking to correct their misapprehensions. But things
don't seem to be working out that way this year. There were good reasons to
think the Red Sox would lose all the way up until they won the World Series. Am
I really going to walk through that same hell-gauntlet with the Patriots?
Somehow the team that has decided to place its entire postseason hopes on the
unnaturally stocky shoulders of LaGarrette Blount is bound to succeed and leave
me with two weeks of "Greatest Team of All Time or GREATEST Team of All Time"
articles. Because there is no God, and nature is a hostile beast.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: New England 31, Denver 21</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Look...MY Super Bowl was last
week. The Broncos wholly satisfying obliteration of (sigh) "Bolt
Nation" saved us all from a Chargers vs. Patriots AFC Championship game in
which there would be NO WINNERS. Like, tic-tac-toe or
<i>WarGames</i> (the 1983 movie, not the NWA/WCW <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s1sO0d8XzY" target="new">innovation</a></b>) or voting libertarian. The
Chargers played surprisingly conservative on offense against the Broncos. A
mistake that Mumbling Bill Belichick is unlikely to repeat. Equally unlikely?
That Broncos head coach John Fox will outcoach <i>anyone</i>. That
means Denver will have to win on talent alone. Now that Peyton Manning's "legacy"
appears to be on the line every week now, I'll <s>predict</s> guess
that he leads his team to a last second win with a perfectly-placed lollipop
pass to the back of the end zone and into the arms of, oh, let's say...Moe.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Denver 34, New England 33</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>San Francisco at Seattle (-3.5)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> So long as the universe is being
hostile to me personally, they might as well throw Jim Harbaugh and WWE-level
diva routine along with everything else. The man is the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Siaw-vpQ4Ck" target="new">Jimmy Hart</a></b> of the NFL, hopping around
on the sidelines like he does. Get him a fleur-de-lis jacket and throw Canadian
Earthquake on the offensive line and call it a day. ANYWAY, this hostile-universe
theory hits a bit of a skid here, because it's not like Pete Carroll is in any
way supportable either. He's not as demonstrably objectionable, he's just kind
of a wiener. A wiener with a strong home-field advantage.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Seattle 24, San Francisco 20</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> I've doggedly picked against
the 49ers all postseason, so I suppose I should ride this wave all the way to
shore. (Apologies...it's been 80 degrees every day since early December here in
San Diego. Consequently, the state of California is under extreme drought
conditions relating to both precipitation AND appropriate metaphors.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do enjoy 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick's
burgeoning dickish-ness, on-field taunts and condescending interviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can do without the media's <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.sportsonearth.com/article/66780002/russell-wilson-and-colin-kaepernick-should-be-focused-on-as-people" target="new">acceptable Negro</a></b> positioning of Seattle
QB Russell Wilson -- articulate! prepared! classy! But, I don't expect either
quarterback to figure in the decision here. These two teams are similar enough
to play out the whole "irresistible force vs. immovable object"
dynamic that usually produces great drama in the buildup and a boring stink
bomb when the game plays out. Or, have we ALL forgotten <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOCqV23VkXU" target="new">the events</a></b> in Pontiac, Michigan --
1987? This will be a low-scoring, ugly affair that the NFL will retroactively
describe as a defensive masterpiece in future season yearbook DVD releases.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Seattle 15, San Francisco 12</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-60262525435851395992014-01-11T15:22:00.002-08:002014-01-11T17:08:23.249-08:002014 NFL Pickery -- Divisional DEVASTATION<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Last Week, Straight Up</u>: Joe (3-1);
Aaron (1-3)
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Last Week, vs. Spread</u>: Joe (1-2-1);
Aaron (2-2)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>New Orleans at Seattle (-7.5)</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: Back in the 1980s, the 'Hawks knew
their place. Sure, they looked impressive at times. They even put together a
few runs that had fans thinking they were destined for long championship reigns.
(For reals, yo. That 12-win 1984 team was REALLY good.) By the early 1990s,
however, the 'Hawks were <i>Mirer'd</i> in mediocrity. Eh? <i>Eh?!</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chronologically speaking, their path -- and
the accompanying narrative -- was almost identical to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.onlineworldofwrestling.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Hawk.jpg" target="new">another Hawk</a></b>...at least to a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.gumgod.com/images/mike_roadwarriors_hawkdeath.jpg" target="new">certain point</a></b>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But, now, most of the sentient life in our solar system
believes that the Seahawks are the best team in the league.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a 34-7 nationally-televised shellacking
in Seattle back in early December, the Saints surely think the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have we all lazily accepted a world where <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.draftdaysuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/PeteCarrollHappy-550x330.jpg" target="new">this guy</a> </b>can be trusted with the keys
to K.I.T.T.?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I have no other frame of
reference when it comes to flashy car metaphors.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like every episode of <i>Knight
Rider</i>, I've built up the drama only to have the car save the day in
the last <s>scene</s> sentence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Boy, I lost control of that metaphor in, like, record time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Seattle 20, New Orleans 17</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: Everything seems to be going
against New Orleans here today, huh? The Saints are super shaky on the road.
The Seahawks are nigh on unbeatable at home. The Seattle season of <i>The
Real World</i> was better than either New Orleans season of <i>The Real
World</i>. Certainly, that 34-7 game didn't give much of an impression that
things could have gone either way. And yet, I went with the reverse psychology
pick on the Saints last week and it paid off for me. Nothing is more important
than Bill Simmons telling you that nobody believes in you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: New Orleans 27, Seattle 23</b> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Indianapolis at New England (-7)</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: Oh, hey, "NFL team that
Aaron DIDN'T pick makes an unbelievable comeback and upends the team that Aaron
DID pick"!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I missed the usual 18-20
times we'd see each other during the regular season!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still don't quite understand why the Kansas
City Chiefs felt the need to reload multiple times while they shot themselves
in the foot in their loss to the Colts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For no other reason than it's been a quarter-century since that bit <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://yoiw.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/harlem-nights.jpg" target="new">was even funny</a></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless of HOW we got here...we're
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's "Colts v. Patriots <span class="st">LXXVIII" or some sh*t.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The window for this Patriots team is clearly closing. The
myth that QB Tom Brady can turn any anonymous receiver into amazeballs has been
permanently punctured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The New England defense
-- for years, the most underrated component of those great Patriots teams --
was a veritable revolving door for opposing offenses this season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Colts QB Andrew Luck has the media-created
"momentum" storyline (and hundreds of awful surname-inspired puns) on
his side, but he's also been wildly inconsistent this season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are YOU ready to trust a second-year QB on
the road against someone other than Andy Reid? Me, neither.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: New England 27, Indianapolis 17</b></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: The reason you know I'm a total
New York City sellout is that I will likely be attending a Broadway show during
the bulk of this game. The plan is to check the score upon my exit, and if the
Colts still have a prayer, I'll shuffle my way down to an insufferable midtown
bar and catch the end. Clearly, this is the game I have the most intense
rooting interest in, rabid Pats-hater that I am. I would like to think that the
Colts are the team they don't want to face. Finally a quarterback who can make
them pay for the way they tend to take huge chunks of games off only to pull
things out in the end. But the Colts have been just as inconsistent all season,
and I feel like this season's New England team has existed to bum me out all
season. My heart says Colts, my head says Pats. Split the difference, I guess.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: New England 30, Indianapolis 24</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>San Francisco (-1.5) at Carolina</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: In a season of REDEMPTION
(emphasis: <i>everyone's</i>) for Panthers QB Cam Newton, Carolina
is a home underdog?! Against a 49ers team they beat in San Francisco
earlier this season?! How many exclamation point/question mark
combinations do I have to use to convey my incredulity?! Last week,
I'm not sure if I overestimated the Packers or underestimated the 49ers or if
the elements in Green Bay conspired to turn the outcome into a coin
flip. So...this week's match-up should be clearer...? I
have no idea. With my 9-year-old son's piggy bank, would I bet on
that Panthers' defense and Cam Newton's continued maturation OR the 49ers
Kaepernick-to-Crabtree connection and head coach Jim Harbaugh's super-villain,
self-styled genius? I DON'T KNOW. God, this is
hard. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Carolina 17, San Francisco 14</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: In a just and perfect world,
Colin Kaepernick's show-offy sleevelessness in the frigid temperatures of Green
Bay last week would have resulted in a frostbite situation and he wouldn't be
able to play in this game. In a different just and perfect world, there would
be no one left in Charlotte to attend this game because all the Southerners
would have fainted dead away from experiencing the polar vortex this week. I
certainly want the Panthers to win, and they're definitely the hot hand when it
comes to the NFC. But the hot hand is almost always the team to fall in the
playoffs these days, and I'm sure I'll have to put up with awful Jim Harbaugh
one more week. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: San Francisco 20, Carolina 17</b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">San Diego at Denver (-9.5) </span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: Last Sunday, one of the
families from my son's travel ball team hosted a playoff party for the Chargers
v. Bengals tilt. As an avowed Charger-hater, I sat in pouty, stony
silence for three hours as a room full of bolted-up rubes hooted and hollered
with every Cincinnati pratfall. It wasn't all excruciating for me,
though. One of the moms lined a muffin pan with bacon, filled the
inside with scramby eggs and baked it to a brunch-y
perfection. Another family brought homemade
lumpia. Seriously, you guys, if you don't know any Filipinos you're
missing out. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">OK...this game. This might be the most inexplicable
spread since <i>last week's</i> Chargers playoff
game. I'm telling you...the Chargers are kind of good. I
dunno if they'll win outright, but if they're 10-point dogs to anyone right
now, Las Vegas is telling you to TAKE their money. I hate the
"something to prove" storyline, but has anyone with Peyton Manning's
pedigree ever engendered less confidence in a home playoff
game? This is not going to end well for any of us. Mostly
me.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: San Diego 33, Denver 28</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: The point spread does seem
a little insane, but does it concern anybody that this Peyton Manning Can't
Play In January narrative is being pushed by a Boston-dominated media with a
historical axe to grind from the old Pats-Colts days? No one? The Broncos have
spent a lot of the second half of this season looking shaky just long enough
for people to notice, then turning any number of receivers named
"Thomas" loose and pulling away. I don't like how often I'm splitting
the difference on these picks, so even though Denver-by-7 seems like the most
intelligent pick, I'm betting the Chargers' luck runs out in a big way.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Pick: Denver 38, San Diego 24</b></span></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-49850471624866972992014-01-04T09:56:00.000-08:002014-01-04T09:58:17.587-08:002014 NFL Pickery -- Wildcard Weekend<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well, hello! One of the more unfortunate casualties of my
extended absence from this lightly-read blog -- due to reasons that were best explained
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwXD0hCvtX4" target="new">here</a> * -- </b>was the interruption of TBG's
second longest annual tradition**.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Since 2007, I've waged <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/search/label/Football%20Pickery" target="new">prognosticatory WAR</a></b> over professional
football games with my great friend, Joe Reid.</span>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">From 2006-2008, I ruled over our football game-picking
kingdom with a benevolence not seen since the 1988 reign of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.onlineworldofwrestling.com/pictures/h/haku/13.jpg" http:="" target="new" v="FwXD0hCvtX4" watch="" www.youtube.com="">King Haku</a></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in 2009, after finishing in second place
for three straight years, Joe led a successful <i>coup d'état</i>
-- a <i>runner-up</i>rising, if you will -- that abruptly ended the
enlightened era.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the past four
years, the kingdom has been analogously ruled by <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.allwrestlingsuperstars.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/wwe-superstar-hackshaw-jim-duggan-23.jpg" target="new">this guy</a></b>. </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">* -- Sorry. As you know, Will Ferrell's
six-month contract to appear EVERYWHERE doesn't expire until January 31, 2014.</span></i></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<br /></div>
<i>
</i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">** -- The longest tradition? <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2012/07/tbg-eats-2012-san-diego-fair.html" target="new">Ask my intestine</a></b>!</span></i></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I kid, of course. I've known Joe since our days writing
weekly columns together more than 10 years ago over at
<i>411mania.com</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was
one of the inspirations for the creation of this blog and he just so happens to
be an incredible writer in his own, uh, right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>His Twitter feed can be <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://twitter.com/joereid" target="new">found
here</a></b> and his work can be found -- inhale -- <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://joereid.tumblr.com/" target="new">here</a></b>, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.thewire.com/authors/joe-reid/" target="new">here</a></b>, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.grantland.com/search/_/query/joe-reid" target="new">here</a></b> and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://previously.tv/author/joe-reid/" target="new">here</a></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He's a sweetheart of a guy and I love that bearded, Buffalonian lug.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">As always, these picks are for entertainment purposes and
tired references from <i>The Simpsons</i> ONLY.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Kansas City at Indianapolis (-2.5)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: I really like this Kansas City
team, but it's hard not to look at them as a beneficiary of a favorable
schedule. Six of their eleven victories came against the five worst teams in
the league, by record. They went 1-5 against teams that made the playoffs, and
that win came against the Eagles before they rid themselves of the scourge of
Michael Vick. The only teams they've beaten since the beginning of November were
the Bills, Redskins, and Raiders (and the Bills really should have won that
game, HONEST). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Colts have only beaten the Texans, Titans, Jaguars,
and one other team since the beginning of November, too, but that one other
team was the Chiefs, in Kansas City, by 16 points. The Colts have been such a
weird team all season. Wins over the 49ers, Seahawks, and Broncos. Blowout
losses to the Cardinals and Rams (at home). Ultimately, I fall back on that
23-7 win, just two weeks ago. If the Colts could pull that off on the road? The
Chiefs have to hope Jamaal Charles goes off, but it doesn't seem like teams
ride hot running backs through the playoffs anymore.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Colts 31, Chiefs 24</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: The hell is with all the
statistical justification, Joe-worski?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All serious and sh*t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A-a-a-nyway...I've spent the past four months trashing the Chiefs and
the entry-level skill set of quarterback Alex Smith.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His entire reputation is built on two things:
a one-game statistical aberration against the Saints in that 49ers playoff game
a few seasons ago AND any time current 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick struggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alex Smith is not a good quarterback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's just not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is that so hard for you to understand,
America?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That Chiefs defense IS good, though. (Swerve!) The
inconsistency of the Colts is underscored by the media's oddly insatiable
desire to shield QB Andrew Luck from any criticism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, if we're talking about games our
favorite teams <i>should've</i> won, the execrable Raiders had the
Colts on the ropes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, since boxing
went extinct 15 years ago, I don't know how to finish that metaphor. The
Raiders lost via...Technicolor...knock...boots? TKOB, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All I know is that Chiefs coach Andy Reid is contractually obligated to
raise the hopes of his fan base before his inevitable heel turn.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Chiefs 23, Colts 7</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>New Orleans at Philadelphia (-2.5)</b></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: I would like nothing more than to
disprove the increasingly strident Cold Weather Quarterbacks theory this year.
But things really seem to be stacked against them here. They've looked
decidedly ordinary in the last several weeks, while the Eagles really did seem
to pull things together under Nick Foles, of all people. Honestly, there's a
better-than-average chance that I'm overrating Philly because of how fun it was
to watch that snow game against the Lions a few weeks ago. I'm okay with it.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">That said, if Bill Simmons has taught us anything, it's
that the most important factor in a football game is reverse psychology.
Nothing helps linebackers make tackles and receivers not drop passes better
than the relative lack of faith of observers (and more importantly, the
gambling community). So if everything is stacking up against the Saints, what
better time to pick them?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Saints 28, Eagles 27</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: Hee! Oh, how I missed our
mutual Bill Simmons bashing! Meanwhile, I'd like to respond to Joe's mentioning
of the "Cold Weather Quarterbacks" theory with a theory of my
own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I call it the "New Orleans
Saints abject lack of a power running game" theory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In what's expected to be rather nippy
conditions (It's going to be 72 degrees here in San Diego this weekend...am I
using "nippy" appropriately?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
really have no frame of reference here.) I half-expect Saints RB Mark Ingram to
keel over at halftime with his stomach lightsabered open for warmth,
Taun-Taun-style.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Like the rest of you, I rooted for this Eagles team to
enjoy more success with the wholesome Michael Vick, but the nondescript Nick
Foles just MIGHT be an NFL quarterback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean, he IS an NFL quarterback...but, I'm using that with
<i>emphasis</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
know...<i>emphasis</i>. In the same way that Eagles WR Riley Cooper
is a <i>racist</i>. Same thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Eagles 24, Saints 14</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>San Diego at Cincinnati (-7)</b></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: This seems rather too easy,
doesn't it? The Bengals have actually looked very good at several points this
season. The Chargers managed to back into the playoffs in one of the least
spectacular ways I can remember. Perhaps my biggest regret of 2013 was not
being able to experience the highs and lows of this Chargers season with you,
Aaron? At what point would the gloating over a lost season have turned to stark
terror at the thought they might actually make the playoffs? </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Bengals 30, Chargers 20</b></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: True story. Hand to God. Before
the season started, I told co-workers that the Chargers had as good a chance at
the sixth playoff seed as any team due to the overall mediocrity of the
AFC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chargers fans did NOT believe in
this team in September, but a Raiders fan did?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Of course, I enjoyed San Diego's traditional last-second losses
throughout the season and wept when they beat the Chiefs in their
regular-season finale -- thanks to the fact that Kansas City played their
second and third-string AND an egregious missed penalty call that should've
given the Chiefs a second-chance at a late missed field goal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But, hey, the locals are happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I haven't seen this many Shawne Merriman
jerseys hauled out of mothballs in years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, they're going to be around for another week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shhh...this Chargers team isn't awful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm picking with my head, instead of my heart
here.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Chargers 27, Bengals 13</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>San Francisco (-3) at Green Bay</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe</b>: Once again, reverse psychology is
the only factor that matters, and the Packers are the beneficiary of a lot of
it. Probably too much. With an 8-7-1 record, going up against the 12-4 Niners,
the Packers are quite the attractive pick for anybody who types "NOBODY
BELIEVES IN US" in all caps like that. Of course ... everybody believes in
"us" if "us" is Aaron Rodgers and "us" is the
Packers at Lambeau in January. Yes, Green Bay has finally gotten the band back
together at the right time, and if anybody going to pull off a run like the
Ravens did last year, it would be them. I'd probably take them against the
Saints or the Eagles this week. But these Niners really don't seem to have a
whole lot of trouble with these Packers. Green Bay had Rodgers and Randall Cobb
healthy back in week <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1 when San
Francisco handled them then too.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: 49ers 34, Packers 28</b></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron</b>: Who missed my wistful fantasy
football musings this season? Well, let's catch up! I'd like to thank 49ers QB
Colin Kaepernick for single-armedly torpedoing my team in one fantasy league
and ruining what should've been a 12 or 13-win season in another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, don't roll your eyes at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finished with nine wins IN SPITE of
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here's what we know...(1) Packers
QB Aaron Rodgers can play football good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(2) The 49ers were being called a disappointment and fans were wishing
Alex Smith was still around roughly six weeks ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(3) ESPN has already devoted 72 hours of air
time to the "why is a 12-4 team on the road against an 8-7-1 team"
contrived debate next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Seriously...it's actually in my cable guide.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Pick: Packers 28, 49ers 10</b></span></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-86939848213904599392013-10-14T22:44:00.000-07:002013-10-14T22:44:27.499-07:00TBG Eats: Coolhaus Ice Cream Sandwiches<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Current Weight: 175.0 lbs.</i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think a
BETTER question is where the hell have YOU been?<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's only been <s>two</s>,
<s>three</s>, <s>four</s>, <s>five</s>, six
months since my last post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK,
six-and-a-HALF months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I have a
good excuse!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a LONG story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Longer than <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2009/05/asthma-allergies-ambulance-part-iii.html" target="new">the time I almost died</a></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Longer than <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2011/08/tbg-in-nyc-travel-diary-part-iv-meeting.html" target="new">one of my travel diaries</a></b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would make for a GREAT multi-part blog
post, which is to say...that's all I can say.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BUT...!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The deleted
scenes/lost chapters would've included:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...an especially awful bout of food poisoning from a
certain fast food restaurant's "two tacos for 99 cents".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hard to believe my stomach -- forged from
steel --<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>couldn't handled obscenely
greasy gray mystery meat that's asphyxiated with processed American cheese and
last week's wilted lettuce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Consequently, for several months, I lost my one remaining mutant
superpower: my affinity for ANY fast food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh, maybe I'm being overly dramatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here's some <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU8PsseWMho" target="new">toned-down imagery</a></b> of the feeling.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...oral surgery!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Last December, I underwent a two-hour grafting procedure along my gum
line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The day before, I met with my
dentist -- an Indian woman who I've been seeing for almost 15 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As she cautioned me about the short-term
limitations I'd endure immediately after the surgery, she dropped this bit of
inadvertent, heavily-accented awesome:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"And, you won't be able to eat meat on the
bone for a few months. You know, like...what it is you people eat?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ribs? You won't be able to eat
that."</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">During the procedure, the local anesthetic wore off about
halfway through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As my dentist
explained:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"We will give you another dose, but we
can't stop the procedure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We've already
exposed the cadaver tissue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm sorry,
but you're going to be very uncomfortable for a few minutes."</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></o:p> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCwXUs3GL4rJ6POfPRzoNOdUqBa6YeM-Hgb2S8ePvFgOqWjMO8Ib8fKTqwgz60bT5J-w_cx__w8n85-bu-_BBMgyFWt_tAuJToaWzESTTOc22VA57QKvORYUnDiOBvJiGbJ6XHkbtjem70/s1600/tbg_two+face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCwXUs3GL4rJ6POfPRzoNOdUqBa6YeM-Hgb2S8ePvFgOqWjMO8Ib8fKTqwgz60bT5J-w_cx__w8n85-bu-_BBMgyFWt_tAuJToaWzESTTOc22VA57QKvORYUnDiOBvJiGbJ6XHkbtjem70/s400/tbg_two+face.jpg" width="238" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></o:p> </div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HOW uncomfortable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Take your gum line and physically tear it away from your teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's not a hypothetical, kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn't eat solid food for almost six
weeks and my weight dropped from 175 lbs. on December 5th (the day of the
surgery) to 151 lbs. in mid-January.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On
the plus side, only HALF of my face turned into a grotesque mess!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look...I'm <i>not</i> saying I
<i>agree</i> with the insane, homicidal tendencies of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Two-Face" target="new">Two-Face</a></b>. But, now I <i>understand</i>
how super-villains get their start.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...Little League baseball!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-ll-chronicles-26-six-games-into.html" target="new">My last TBG post</a></b> was a recap of the start of my
9(!)-year-old son's spring season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Believe it or not, our team made it to the championship game, but fell
two runs and one inning short from winning it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the most fun I've ever had coaching
one of Jalen's teams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK5B3qUx4J31gcrIQBQn46kwxvQcPq4mywwG9Wrm36UF81B7falK9xN7L6tz8AzWyqdkwCYrT_y3Xz5WP0XHSfe3jnH5Oo0AC0JhQsV89vJLa5a6eAFbhWsyvaTCqdDd75v8fA_AxJITSG/s1600/jalen_bobblehead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK5B3qUx4J31gcrIQBQn46kwxvQcPq4mywwG9Wrm36UF81B7falK9xN7L6tz8AzWyqdkwCYrT_y3Xz5WP0XHSfe3jnH5Oo0AC0JhQsV89vJLa5a6eAFbhWsyvaTCqdDd75v8fA_AxJITSG/s400/jalen_bobblehead.jpg" width="238" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ooh, before I
forget, J would like you ALL to know that, as a hitter, he led our team in
walks AND as a pitcher, he was tied for the team lead in wins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust me...he kept track.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meticulously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He even made the postseason 10U All Stars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, J's stubborn refusal to bend the
brim of his baseball caps legitimately undermines ALL of his accomplishments.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, Jalen's all-star run coincided with my
favorite TBG time of the year: the San Diego Fair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For four straight weeks; J's team was either
practicing, scrimmaging or playing a game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, for four straight weeks; I was missing out on deep-fried cookie
dough, Krispy Kreme sloppy joes and waffle dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Welcome, new readers!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I used "and" instead of
"or" two sentences ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Y'see...the food at the San Diego Fair is kind of a big deal around this
lightly-read blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2012/07/tbg-eats-2012-san-diego-fair.html" target="new">Get caught up</a></b>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We'll wait!)<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A-a-a-and, that about covers the past 200 days or so.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Up until two weeks ago!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>M'man Coach Andy called for one of our infrequent youth baseball gossip
sessions. But, before we could begin sharing our scouting reports on
up-and-coming eight-year-olds or commence with yet another mock draft of
best-looking mothers in our Little League ("Why do you ALWAYS select your
wife in the first round, Aaron?", Andy <s>sometimes</s>
<s>often</s> ALWAYS taunts.) my mind was about to be blown:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Have you seen the new ice cream sandwiches
at Baron's?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chocolate chip cookies with
candied bacon ice cream. They are..."</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't remember much of our conversation after Andy
strung together "candied" and "bacon" and "ice
cream", consecutively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
<i>do</i> remember his comment left under a picture I posted to my
Facebook page of the actual ice cream sandwich:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"That didn't take long."</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The ice cream sandwiches are from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://eatcoolhaus.com/home" target="new">Coolhaus</a></b>
-- an outfit that began as a gourmet food truck nearly five years ago in Los
Angeles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today, they have nearly a dozen
trucks dotting LA, New York City, Austin and Miami, along with storefronts in
Pasadena and Culver City.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They've
recently introduced a pre-packaged line of their signature high-end ice cream
sandwiches nationwide.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's see if I still remember how to write these.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIHf70Wjb200yV36YVKCjLa5LcIUgf0HxXahCEv9e6trlm_xeoNUA2VkX1ArDgZbQsJ0uqqvzRVEkpQnkUUosSALNTHPtXW5ukoyDjYVueXFCf3GRu9bSW1VQoM5KgSvkK3CQQewRqg7V3/s1600/tbg+eats+-+chocolate+chip.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIHf70Wjb200yV36YVKCjLa5LcIUgf0HxXahCEv9e6trlm_xeoNUA2VkX1ArDgZbQsJ0uqqvzRVEkpQnkUUosSALNTHPtXW5ukoyDjYVueXFCf3GRu9bSW1VQoM5KgSvkK3CQQewRqg7V3/s400/tbg+eats+-+chocolate+chip.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Chocolate Chip Cookie with Brown Butter Candied
Bacon Ice Cream</b> -- The candied bacon component ensured that this
would be my first Coolhaus choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
obnoxiously ubiquitous as bacon has become, it doesn't get nearly enough love
for its versatility in desserts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Surprisingly, though, it's the cookie that's the best thing here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brown sugar is one of my favorite flavors -- whether
we're talking gastronomic <i>or</i> marital(!) -- and the cookie
carries a sweet, but tempered richness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The soft and chewy texture is markedly better than your typical convenience
store cookie sandwich, as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ice
cream is solid and it's a damn fine accompaniment with the cookies, but the
"perfect bite" of sweet and savory, brown sugar and bacon only
occurred in every third our fourth chomp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The candied bacon was good enough to stand on its own and I found myself
wishing there was more of it here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b>Grade</b>: 4 (out of 5)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyqJLq5EU4XsaAFkhVqn7cbcJDkmcf6UjQVHCxZ9xRdqdqL4nqwx6TfXR3KolvTp1LG3-_cPegC28JoMIyeEQU_q6bibQZKbjCs2g070Db5ks5ToF-7sPlysk6oyFDSKDIghu3evSD4TaU/s1600/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+oatmeal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="276" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyqJLq5EU4XsaAFkhVqn7cbcJDkmcf6UjQVHCxZ9xRdqdqL4nqwx6TfXR3KolvTp1LG3-_cPegC28JoMIyeEQU_q6bibQZKbjCs2g070Db5ks5ToF-7sPlysk6oyFDSKDIghu3evSD4TaU/s400/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+oatmeal.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Oatmeal Raisin Cookie with Baked Apple Pie Ice
Cream</b> -- In the interest of full disclosure, I should come clean and
admit that oatmeal cookies are my favorite cookies in the whole wide
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similarly, whenever I'm out to
eat, my go-to dessert is pretty much <i>anything</i> with warm
apples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Longtime readers know Mrs.
Bootleg prefers crème brûlée or tiramisu.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, I don't know why she hates America.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anywho...this was pretty much magnificent in every way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mouthfeel of the chewy, brown
sugar/buttery oats belied its previous residency in a commercial freezer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paired with the not-too-tart, not-too-sweet
apples from the cinnamon-dusted ice cream, this one hit all of Aaron's taste
targets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>500 out of 5? Oh, I'mma 'bout
to go there...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>Grade</b>:
500</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMTYAFrtNo76Ms9n5QqIhYOmmwVxwt8DzvK4KkNAmT75-wNFFKayYtyBjEZPeS0LLf_qwXYmUMW2Vf9i1SYPevtYTOZ0KsEnhZCFLjg5TjmrrBC8J0-jCEaZkfPZ32vaG0NjRuKMwK8vvo/s1600/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+ginger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMTYAFrtNo76Ms9n5QqIhYOmmwVxwt8DzvK4KkNAmT75-wNFFKayYtyBjEZPeS0LLf_qwXYmUMW2Vf9i1SYPevtYTOZ0KsEnhZCFLjg5TjmrrBC8J0-jCEaZkfPZ32vaG0NjRuKMwK8vvo/s400/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+ginger.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Vegan Ginger Molasses Cookie with Mango Saffron
Sorbet</b> -- Prepare your "shocked n' amazed" faces,
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one's an acquired
taste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My wife would have NONE of this
tomfoolery with her taste buds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here's a
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7v34XDJhLI" target="new">10-second reenactment</a></b> of her 10-minute reaction after
taking one -- and only one -- bite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Separately, these aren't my favorite flavors, but together...they
kinda-sorta work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The spiciness of the
cookie is cut way back by the sorbet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The taste of mango is strong, but the ginger and molasses linger at the
back end of each bite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The end result is
akin to a palate cleanser with a bit of a kick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>Grade</b>: 2.5</span></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOUw9ggcav44UgznBgskx5xLc82kHBOjh_3IzTniVTbEqjXrlETwdQygZfCrjsiT60qpeiIHiUV7KwWSQmEhyphenhyphen5wUxySKy3bnCw4fLd4RspRh22bvqo2ayz5WlCy7w3wrKZ4t7uUhmkCsPw/s1600/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+snickerdoodle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="326" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOUw9ggcav44UgznBgskx5xLc82kHBOjh_3IzTniVTbEqjXrlETwdQygZfCrjsiT60qpeiIHiUV7KwWSQmEhyphenhyphen5wUxySKy3bnCw4fLd4RspRh22bvqo2ayz5WlCy7w3wrKZ4t7uUhmkCsPw/s400/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+snickerdoodle.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Snickerdoodle Cookie with Salted Caramel Ice
Cream</b> -- For the entirety of his young life, my son would only eat
chocolate chip cookies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WITHOUT walnuts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weirdo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If we're including store-bought, he'd ignore Oreos, Newtons and Nutter
Butters in favor of Chips Ahoy, Chips Deluxe and Famous Amos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Recently, however, he's been seen dating
cookies <i>outside</i> his taste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Snickerdoodles are his current infatuation and the Coolhaus version is
soo-POIB.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cinnamon/sugar balance is
perfect and the granules are a subtly outstanding textural contrast with the
ice cream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I wish the ice
cream's saltier notes carried over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
deep caramel flavor and sweetness from the cookies could've used a few salty
swipes, but I suppose I'm picking nits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My son obliterated the half I gave him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think Coolhaus has comfortably captured the pre-adolescent
African-American market.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>Grade</b>:
4.5<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My friend Smitty -- who lives near Pasadena -- has told
me wonderful tales of Coolhaus' Maker's Mark-flavored "Manhattan" ice
cream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Coolhaus website hints at a
"fried chicken and waffle" ice cream (brown butter maple ice cream
w/ maple candied chicken skins & caramelized waffles) coming soon.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Road trip?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Road trip.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxf0pMMtKAOhZov-PDu8ARV1nhvx3WLnNfX3AFJxB0bEkA2SGl62A943aG81m0REL0ouUssEAEsI11WrOhUC2t-pMNv8jfX2Vwg9Bh-kkIligxK_P2HLIXQ-lInPw0Ei54CyjTfaZaw6rK/s1600/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+package.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxf0pMMtKAOhZov-PDu8ARV1nhvx3WLnNfX3AFJxB0bEkA2SGl62A943aG81m0REL0ouUssEAEsI11WrOhUC2t-pMNv8jfX2Vwg9Bh-kkIligxK_P2HLIXQ-lInPw0Ei54CyjTfaZaw6rK/s400/tbg+eats+-+coolhaus+package.jpg" width="238" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-73995830813218862932013-04-30T22:59:00.000-07:002013-04-30T22:59:33.546-07:00Guess Which of My Little Leaguers...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil8u9zWvhLQAGwBVIm-ZJ8LWuJm-tgug9KFmLxV-nebyDgT5Xv5FSAwXTPp_87YOtG-OAbMWRAWvEHSkdG4jOIhWGHoqOziWOLvtHTxbqReV3r-dAYVGV_OCpAdV5LRhjPHCcJgyE5aOt5/s1600/LL_2013+Minors+Athletics+Team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil8u9zWvhLQAGwBVIm-ZJ8LWuJm-tgug9KFmLxV-nebyDgT5Xv5FSAwXTPp_87YOtG-OAbMWRAWvEHSkdG4jOIhWGHoqOziWOLvtHTxbqReV3r-dAYVGV_OCpAdV5LRhjPHCcJgyE5aOt5/s400/LL_2013+Minors+Athletics+Team.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...swatted a surefire single to centerfield, only to be thrown out at first base.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...claims to throw FIVE different pitches.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...has run more disciplinary laps than everyone else on the team combined.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...has overrun second and third base more than everyone else in organized baseball combined.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...is, inexplicably, the only player on the team who knows how to slide.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...sobbed softly in the dugout during a recent 10-0 win because he didn't get to pitch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...hasn't had a hit all season.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...has thrown more than 25% of the team's total innings pitched and just returned from a strained bicep.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...calls me "sir", instead of "coach".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">...gave up five runs in 1/3 of an inning after demanding to know if he'll EVER pitch again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-2125771401523604262013-03-31T17:58:00.000-07:002013-03-31T17:58:51.755-07:00The LL Chronicles #26: Six Games Into the Season...<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've often said that it's the <i>adults</i>
who make Little League baseball infinitely more difficult than the kids. So,
you'd better believe I'm proud to announce MY contribution to the usual chaos
and confusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the 2013 Little League
season approached, I had to determine where my nine-year-old son Jalen would
play.<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J could stay in the 8-10-year-old division called
"Farm".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is where he
played last year, holding his own with the stick and as a regular pitcher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, he could move up to the 9-11-year-old
level called "Minors" -- ostensibly a more competitive division that
sits one spot below Little League's apex echelon, "Majors".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hemmed and hawed in the weeks leading up to
spring sign-ups and beyond, listing both divisions on J's paperwork and
wrecking havoc on the league's aging, TRS-80-supported player database.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After receiving unsolicited counsel from several other
managers -- who crafted their one-size-fits-all advice around the same
weather-worn opening line, "If he was MY son..." followed by two
seconds of silence to presumably build dramatic effect before dispensing their
predictable advice after the ellipse -- I opted to bring Jalen up to Minors.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht3Z9uIfVM2hEq-tUG2eGA2doocRWBPgRMAEPmdkMlFwYzkIv3ujtK_dlod1qfjBgsSaD8zUClMmeEkpBQR9zrF251UXFjDJCVqEiasbk-nWPmPQSqQCkGgwaz8R1tZRLuB6cEVnzpUkcq/s1600/jalen_minors_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht3Z9uIfVM2hEq-tUG2eGA2doocRWBPgRMAEPmdkMlFwYzkIv3ujtK_dlod1qfjBgsSaD8zUClMmeEkpBQR9zrF251UXFjDJCVqEiasbk-nWPmPQSqQCkGgwaz8R1tZRLuB6cEVnzpUkcq/s400/jalen_minors_2.jpg" width="238" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Tryouts were held in mid-January and the player draft was
two weeks later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Athletics team
(<i>yes, AGAIN</i>) looked especially young on paper -- with four
9-year-olds and just one 11-year-old. But, we appeared to offer some decent depth
in both the lineup and pitching staff; albeit without any of the
"man-amongst-boys" behemoths whose talent belies their birth
certificates.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We practiced throughout the month of February and after
an unusually-scheduled bye on Little League Opening Day, we played our first
game:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"12-4 loss in Little League opener,
highlighted by my son seeing a curveball for 1st time. Ended as hilariously
& tearfully as you'd expect."</i> -- from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="https://twitter.com/ThatBootlegGuy" target="new">my Twitter feed</a></b>, March 9<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I handed the opening starting pitching assignment to our
oldest, most experienced player -- a tall, lanky 11-year-old named Jordan. He
initially struggled with his control, but settled down to strike out five in a
row at one point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He left with a 3-1
lead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After telling him that he wouldn't
be pitching earlier in the evening, I changed my mind and brought Jalen into
the game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the inning ended, we were
suddenly down 6-3.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J only gave up one hard hit ball in the inning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything else could be laid at the feet
(...and through the legs...and under the gloves) of our Vaudevillian
defense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, it wasn't entirely
errors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here's a quick in-game
conversation between me and my third baseman:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "Seth! The bases are loaded. If it
comes to you, just step on third!"<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Seth: "OK!"<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>[The very...next...pitch is a groundball to third base.]<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Seth: [Picks up ball, makes lollipop toss towards first
base, ball lands softly on pitcher's mound just inches from an incredulous
Jalen...]<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Rest of Team: [Audible, but indecipherable cacophony of
criticism directed at Seth. Constructive, I presume.]</em><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Later in the game, we would run ourselves out of not one,
but TWO separate innings when my baserunners lost track of the number of
outs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even the umpires got in on the act
when one of my players avoided a tag at home plate only to be called out.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "Where did the catcher tag him?"<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>12-year-old umpire: "Ummm...he stepped on home
plate?"<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "But, it wasn't a force play."<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Umpire: "Uh..."<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Obnoxious parent of player on the other team: [From
behind the backstop] "THE RUNNER WAS OUT OF THE BASELINE!"<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Umpire: "Uh...the runner was out of the
baseline."<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "..."<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">==<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Heart-stopping 10-9 walk-off win for my
son's Little League team tonite. Our 1st win! My son's reaction: 'Aww, I went 0
for 2.' Team player!"</i> -- from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Twitter</b>, March 13<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Trailing by one run as we entered the bottom of the sixth
and final inning, we were fortunate to have the top of our batting order coming
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My leadoff hitter is a thickly-built
10-year-old catcher straight out of the <i>Moneyball</i>
methodology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He started us off by
tomahawking an opposite-field single to right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Up next was Bennett -- a talented 9-year-old who skipped the Farm level
altogether.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's a terrific little
hitter whose concentration needs an occasional nudge.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "OK, Bennett. We've got one on and
nobody out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you get your pitch, put a
good swing on it."<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Bennett: "If I get my pitch, I'm gonna kill it,
coach."<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jesus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>True to his
word, last rites rang off the left field wall as Bennett tripled home his excruciatingly
s-l-o-w footed teammate to tie the game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bennett scored on a check-swing infield dribbler to win it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To his credit, Jalen led the spontaneous
walk-off celebration and waited until we'd ALMOST gotten back to the car before
expressing his selfish lament.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So...progress.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1UGQheC7kbBoY0FVy-174GSIsI1veWDhkpmTqy_tkfxSe7yBF_8wV9sGBrI3RhY-w8C3TO7SfukD-9WCkGLLgSC7lGRw2Pd-bLzXYUQoXjjjgot2W6xOFYiR73YeFPViU2sQFDbFn9T36/s1600/jalen_minors_3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1UGQheC7kbBoY0FVy-174GSIsI1veWDhkpmTqy_tkfxSe7yBF_8wV9sGBrI3RhY-w8C3TO7SfukD-9WCkGLLgSC7lGRw2Pd-bLzXYUQoXjjjgot2W6xOFYiR73YeFPViU2sQFDbFn9T36/s400/jalen_minors_3.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">==<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"16-11 loss in Little League. Didn't let
fact we were missing 2 of our best players stop me from yelling at kids over
teams' lack of effort!"</i> -- from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Twitter</b>, March 16<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My 10-year-old catcher who runs with a pair of pianos
strapped to his back?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Out with shin
splints, natch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My stone-faced clean-up
hitter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In-season(!) family
vacation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite the losses on offense,
we were matching run-for-run with one of the better teams in our division --
which made our half-assed effort in the field and on the basepaths even more
inexcusable.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been managing in Little League long enough to expect
these games once per season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They're
immediately followed by a postgame meeting in which I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9DHA2dJ7uQ" target="new">unleash a little kid-friendly Jim Leyland</a></b> (NSFW!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Up until now, my teams had been blown out in
these effort-free affairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On this day,
a win was within our reach, so I made my speech in the middle of the game,
between innings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It included ALL the
classic lyrics, like...<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"All I ask [pause] is that you guys
TRY!"</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"If you guys don't wanna play hard, then
why am I here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHY AM I HERE?"</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>[Chorus] "Hustling is the EASY part!"
x4</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And, we still lost the game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next time, I'll <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zT1qfd9GYfY" target="new">auto-tune</a></b> the chorus.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">==<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Son's Little League team blew 8-0 lead
& lost 12-11. If you need me, I'll be ensuring all my players WALK home
& go to bed without dinner."</i> -- from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Twitter</b>, March 19</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This one STUNG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, the pain was exacerbated two days later by the father of one of my
players.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a long, rambling e-mail, he
asked if I could make the game "more fun" for his son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somewhere in chapter 16 of his missive, he
not-so-subtly mentioned that he previously played minor league baseball and
helpfully offered up the same basic pointers ("...have the hitters rotate
their hips..." and "...get the head of the bat in front of the
plate...") that EVERY youth coach knows and parrots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The publicity blurb on the back of this e-mail's
imaginary book jacket would be "THE MOST CONDESCENDING READ OF THE
YEAR!"<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fortunately, I trashed my original reply ("Don't
worry. Your son's got the same chance of making the Major Leagues as you.")
and respectfully invited <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.dvdsreleasedates.com/posters/800/B/Bull-Durham-movie-poster.jpg" target="new">Crash Davis</a></b> to come out to a practice and dispense
his "fun" blend of pedantic wisdom and "Baseball Annie"
anecdotes to ALL of the kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's been
10 days. I'm still waiting for his response.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">==<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Little League team wins 14-4, bouncing
back from worst loss ever. Per agreement, I'm returning players' Friday lunch
money to each of them."</i> -- from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Twitter</b>, March 21<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Earlier this month, Jalen and I were having breakfast
before I took him to school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
conversation centered on catching and my son's newfound affinity for the
position.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Jalen: "Do you think I'll get most of the
starts at catcher when the season starts?"<o:p> </o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "Nah, probably not."</em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Jalen: "Why not?"</em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>Me: "Because you're not a good catcher,
J."</em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the past, I've been able to honestly assess my son's
baseball shortcomings and he'd respond with mock indignation or a playful
"Hey!" before trying -- almost always successfully -- to tackle my
frail, emaciated frame to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This time, however, his response wasn't what I'd call
"playful".<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"I'm not a good catcher?"</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's been nearly a month and I <i>still</i>
feel awful about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The worst part is
that I think he was less hurt by the criticism than by the fact it came from his
greatest baseball advocate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
immediately backpedalled by belatedly -- and clumsily -- adding context to my
comment:<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Well, J...y'know...you've gotta work on
blocking balls in the dirt and...y'know, you gotta have a quick release back
there...I mean, it's a tough position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And, I like you more at shortstop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought you LIKED playing shortstop?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>DON'T YOU LIKE SHORTSTOP?!"</i><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fortunately, I had enough flop sweat left over to
marinate the crow my son would serve me once the season began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In our second game, Jalen -- who'd stayed
home from school with a cold the day before -- ended up catching four of the
six innings and tagged a runner out at home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In our third game, he threw out a runner at third base and in this 14-4
win, he threw out a runner trying to steal second.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After six games, J's played more innings at the position
than anyone on the team.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He's a good catcher.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">==<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Little League team scored 21 runs today,
but the big story was son's reaction to getting stung by bee for 1st time."</i>
-- from <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Twitter</b>, March 23<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee925OTFBCA" target="new">Here's his reaction</a></b>.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He's not good at getting stung by bees.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-69742629262625558592013-02-03T14:53:00.002-08:002013-02-03T14:53:33.277-08:002013 NFL Pickery -- Super Bowl XLVII<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With this year's six-win margin, m'man Joe Reid won our
seventh annual NFL Pickery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I
picked up wins in the first three seasons, Joe has run the goddam board for
four straight years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We're back for the
Super Bowl, but if you can't get enough of Joe, you can find him hanging out on
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/67139/video-on-demand-report-christopher-walken-will-steal-your-dog-and-your-heart-no-just-your-dog" target="new">more important websites</a> </b>than mine.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></em></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>That's right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
</em>know<em> people.</em></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>San Francisco (-3) vs. Baltimore</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Okay, first of all, none of you
have any reason to believe me, but I had the Ravens picked as the AFC
representative in the Super Bowl from the beginning of the playoffs and would
have picked them happily with those crazy point spreads against the Broncos and
Patriots. But, again, you have no cause to believe me there, so let's move on
to rooting interest:<br />
<br />
I have no good reason for why I don't hate Ray Lewis more than I do. I probably
should. He maybe killed a guy? He certainly obstructed justice by covering up
the truth, but seeing as I finished a hundred or so credits shy of my degree in
criminal justice, I don't tend to get hung up on it. It's not like I like the
guy, but I've become way too desensitized to athletes dancing around to be
bothered by something like that. Also, the Jesus stuff is SO over-the-top that
I actually find it hilarious. He ends up looking so crazy that the
sportscasters (almost always the biggest cause for annoyance in sports) can't
even rhapsodize his faith, like they do with Tebow. It's just Ray acting like a
lunatic, and then it's back to the studio hosts who are all, "Certainly an
... emotional day for Ray Lewis." They actually don't know how to talk
about it. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, there's just so much to hate about the 49ers. Starting with the fact
that their fans spontaneously regained the ability to be smug monsters in the
last six weeks. Dormant 18 years, they're back! And they're awful! And then
there's Jim Harbaugh, who ... I get it, if you like the Niners, Harbaugh's a
savior, and all his obnoxious behavior becomes endearing. But what's everybody
else's excuse for tolerating this jackass's bullshit for one second? This crap is
as funny as the Ray Lewis God stuff, I guess, but it bugs me way more. Maybe
that's just my problem. What's not just my problem? 49ers homophobia!
Congratulations, Chris Culliver, you win the Media Week Soundbite Trophy! Look,
I understand that the reality of pro football (and most of pro sports) is that
85% of the athletes on all teams probably hate my ass just for being me, but
when <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/san-francisco-49ers-who-appeared-in-an-it-gets-be" target="new">this</a> </b>is the public face of the Niners and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.advocate.com/sports/2012/10/04/pro-gay-baltimore-raven-brendon-ayanbadejo-life-other-players" target="new">this</a> </b>is the public face of the Ravens, my
already-Ravens-leaning loyalties get set in stone. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As for who's GOING to win? ...Yeah, probably the Niners.
They've been the best team all season, probably, albeit one with a weird
vulnerability to the St. Louis Rams. Pick: <b>San Francisco 31, Baltimore
23</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> It's hard for me to remember a
Super Bowl in which my <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">the potential
for glorious schadenfreude outweighed any rooting interest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, I suppose it would be nice to see the
49ers <i>players</i> hoist the Lombardi Trophy under a maelstrom of
confetti and the sanctimonious specter of James Brown's swollen bee-stung
mug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similarly, I'd have no problem with
the much-maligned Joe Flacco -- "He once called himself 'the best'
quarterback in the league without waiting for OUR endorsement?! GET HIM!",
Sportswriters Everywhere<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>-- begrudgingly
feted by his disproportionately large number of detractors.</span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's just
that...yeah, everything else.</span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">49ers quarterback
Colin Kaepernick is the most compelling player on the field, but instead of
appreciating him for his cannon arm and Randall Cunningham legs, we have to
turn his story into a national debate on <i>adoption</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is why I don't watch any Super Bowl
coverage between the conference championship games and 3:18 PM on the first
Sunday in February.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, I
<i>still</i> can't escape it.</span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Joe and I didn't
pick any of the playoff games this season, but if we had, I might not have won
a game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust me...I was wrong on
EVERYTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had Peyton Manning and the
Broncos playing today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was sure the
Green Bay Packers were getting healthy at <i>juuuuust</i> the right
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two weeks ago, I joined the chorus
of voices that called for a San Francisco win.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The dynamic offense!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The underrated
defense!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The genius/jerkface Jim Harbaugh!</span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But, isn't it
possible that -- at SOME point -- the <i>experience</i> wins
out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flacco has spent his career going
<s>15</s> <s>12</s> 10?...is it 10 rounds now in
boxing?...10 rounds with very good-to-great Pittsburgh teams during the regular
season and traded season-ending blows with the Patriots in the playoffs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Ravens' defense isn't what its decade-old
reputation would have you believe, but it doesn't have to be to defeat a 49ers
team that's ran the gamut from "Super Bowl team" to "0-1-1
against the St. Louis Rams".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Baltimore 28, San Francisco 27</b></span></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-91625315908948909752013-01-31T20:59:00.000-08:002013-01-31T21:39:13.076-08:00The Walk-Off and the Save<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My eight-year-old son Jalen turns nine in less than a
week.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Earlier this week, while driving J to school, he BEGGED
me to stop singing along with Michael Jackson's <i>Billie Jean</i> when
it came on Sirius XM's '80s station.* "You're embarrassing me!", he
shouted from the confines of the back seat. Jalen's "no singing"
edict followed his unilateral implementation of a temporary restraining order
against me – an unwritten, unspoken agreement that requires ten paces of
separation between my son and I when I'm walking him to his classroom in the
morning.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>* -- Recently, while we watched
"Ghostbusters II", Jalen was similarly (and inexplicably!)
unimpressed as I sang along with Bobby Brown's "On Our Own" <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaIZvCDWAcQ" target="new">anthem</a></b>. I couldn't believe it. Nearly 25 years
after its release, I was still able to nail EVERY lyric. That's better than
Bobby Brown could claim roughly <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0C3zckQ4Kk" target="new">one
year later</a></b> at the 1990 MTV Video Music Awards.</i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I first remember feeling a bit of figurative separation
with Jalen late last spring. I'd meticulously planned a father-son weekend in
San Francisco with two tickets to a ballgame in Oakland as the admittedly
predictable main event. Seats directly behind the Athletics' dugout! When I
excitedly broke the news to Jalen, he responded with the equivalent of a verbal
shrug ("OK") and quickly returned his attention to our living room
television.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Leading up to our flight on the first Saturday in July,
Jalen seemed unaffected by all of the things that usually elicit inquisitive
6:00 AM wake-up calls from him, like <i>"Who do you think the A's
starting pitcher will be?"</i> or <i>"When we get on the
BART train, can we ask the driver to go 100 miles per hour?"</i>
or <em>"Do kids still get to run the bases after the
game?"</em></span><br />
</div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And, Jalen has flown so many times that he's no longer
even awed by airplanes. Instead, like the cynical beaten-down business
traveler, he reserves what little emotion he can muster for expressing contempt
towards his perpetual placement in the middle seat.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We arrived in the city on one of San Francisco's
typically frigid summer afternoons. And, like clockwork, I managed to lose my
bearings on the two-block walk from the BART station to our hotel. At
4'4", Jalen is a full four inches shorter than my wife, but he inherited
every ounce of her "know-it-all-ism".<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Can't you use your phone to find the
hotel?"</i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>"Mom's phone has GPS to find places. Do you want me
to see if your phone has GPS, Dad?"<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>
</em></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>"[Exasperated sigh] What's the NAME of the hotel,
Dad? I'll just look up at all the buildings until we find it."</em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After a few minutes of relentlessly walking in circles,
we found our hotel. That evening, we met one of my oldest friends and his
family for dinner at <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.farmerbrownsf.com/menu.html" target="new">Farmer Brown</a></b> – a nouveau soul food spot in Union
Square. I'm pleased to report that I didn't regret one drop of the
<i>four</i> Mason Street Manhattan cocktails I sucked down. Not
until 12 hours later, at least.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jalen: "Dad? Are you throwing up because
you had too much to drink last night?"<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: "Probably."<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jalen: "Should we call mom?"<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: "DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER."</span></em></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had hoped to sober up with the terrific breakfast
served at the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://imonlyhereforthefood.com/images/Food/TaylorStreetCoffeeShop/TaylorStreetCoffeeShop001.jpg" target="new">Taylor Street Coffee Shop</a></b>, but by 8:00 AM, there
was a line out the door. Thankfully, two bacon, egg and cheese biscuits from
Burger King cured what ailed me. Our only full father/son day in the Bay Area
was off to a rocky start – which is to be expected when you promise your son
the platter-sized pancakes that only a greasy spoon can produce and deliver a
convenience store chocolate donut, instead.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, it was up to the A's game. An entire weekend built
around enjoying each other's company hinged on the
<i>occasionally</i> tedious style that's
<i>occasionally</i> associated with the American League. A's versus
Mariners! Two teams that finished a combined 42 games under .500 the previous
season!<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Out of the corner of my eye, I sized Jalen up for any
sign that indicated he was having a good time. As we traversed the overpass
towards the ballpark, J exuded the indifferent aura of "high school
cool". In years past, I watched him nearly knock people over as he
speed-walked his way into a Spring Training game. Now, with the A's showing
signs of life in the mid-season standings AND a throwback Oakland Oaks cap
giveaway, J's gait reminded me of mine on a Monday morning after a three-day
weekend.<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our oddly detached day even extended into the grotesquely
overpriced team store. After one lap around the suffocating, shoebox-sized
shop, Jalen has usually asked for $500 worth of merchandise – that's up to
THREE things! – but, nothing caught my kid's eye. What I would've given to have
my old, excitable eight-year-old back. If he and I could no longer irrationally
bond over baseball, I don't know what I'd do. <i>Yes</i>, it's
melodramatic. But, it's also my favorite thing in the world to share with my
son.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As we trudged off towards our seats, I silently hoped for
at least an entertaining game. Maybe that would reanimate the pocket-sized
chocolate-brown corpse beside me.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Dad! I think Ryan Cook is signing
autographs!"</i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For those of you who don't know, Ryan Cook was the A's
lone All-Star representative last season and, briefly, the team's closer. He
was stationed at the end of the A's dugout and dutifully signing for anyone in
the vicinity. Personally, I was just glad to see Jalen finally…</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Dad! Did you bring a baseball that I can
get signed?!"</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWpAjIbiTop0fiePklkvuwN6ka-KbRkLDYjHzP5zfqWWF_eQrJZcU1gUbHZX-eh2XdSH8hQvyVtTuArins7xxxLoaMF2q-9nmLnvZa59QTWqaT2x6Jp11vvD6F1fCsxaXw45-VRVQzaUD/s1600/jalen_cook+autograph.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXWpAjIbiTop0fiePklkvuwN6ka-KbRkLDYjHzP5zfqWWF_eQrJZcU1gUbHZX-eh2XdSH8hQvyVtTuArins7xxxLoaMF2q-9nmLnvZa59QTWqaT2x6Jp11vvD6F1fCsxaXw45-VRVQzaUD/s400/jalen_cook+autograph.jpg" width="238" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the blink of an eye, J had worked his way towards the
front of the small mob that had formed in front of Cook. And, from a distance
not much farther than your computer screen is from your face, J politely asked
the All-Star, "Ryan Cook, could you please sign my ball? I'm a pitcher,
too!"<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whew. Now, I could exhale.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But, wait! The Mariners were starting Felix Hernandez on
the mound – one of the best pitchers in the game and a notorious Athletics
killer. The Cook autograph would keep J happy for a few innings, but a
reappearance of Oakland's somnambulant offense could quickly ruin the mood.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With the score tied 1-1 in the bottom of the eighth
inning, Oakland's Chris Carter tapped a foul ball down the third base line that
was scooped up by third base coach – and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://thatbootlegguy.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-50-all-time-favorite-oakland-as.html" target="new">my 37th favorite Athletics player</a></b> of all time –
Mike Gallego. Jalen stood up and leaned out over the dugout roof in Gallego's
direction, but Gallego's underhand toss towards J's outstretched glove was
short by about three feet. The ball ricocheted away and rolled into the section
of seats on our left.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was more bummed than my son, but there was no time to
feel sorry for him. I'm not being callous. It's just that I <i>really</i> had to use the bathroom. There was a young woman and her
father sitting next to us who I'd been chatting up throughout the game. They
offered to keep an eye on Jalen while I was gone. Hey, if you can't trust two
strangers in the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.businessinsider.com/the-25-most-dangerous-cities-in-america-2012-10?op=1" target="new">fourth most dangerous city</a></b> in America…</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I returned, Jalen was holding what I thought was the
baseball that he'd gotten autographed earlier in the afternoon.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: "Be careful with that ball, J. You
don't want to smudge the autograph."<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jalen: "This is a new ball. Mike Gallego gave it to
me."<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: "Mike Gallego gave it to you? When? Just
now?!"</span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Young Woman Next to Us: "Yep! He came out of the
dugout and tossed him a ball! I had to get your son's attention, but the coach
tossed it and your son caught it!"</span></em></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmc4D0ZTA_lFS-i-SK5ufUqaI2-WvPswgWWtxoJmJwfR_g0auGxKWpNGN7ieOc_b8LCh1jiWo3GCf8-VHcJkheqKrwNTPfZdbapvo5yqreXrDAgL0Qgos1OwKSubzzjb0zQ20g3UNa1OoV/s1600/jalen_two+baseballs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmc4D0ZTA_lFS-i-SK5ufUqaI2-WvPswgWWtxoJmJwfR_g0auGxKWpNGN7ieOc_b8LCh1jiWo3GCf8-VHcJkheqKrwNTPfZdbapvo5yqreXrDAgL0Qgos1OwKSubzzjb0zQ20g3UNa1OoV/s400/jalen_two+baseballs.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
Well, then. Don't YOU feel bad for harboring those
"stranger danger" thoughts a few sentences ago? Also…if you're going
to tell my wife about this post, could you not START with the whole "…left
my son with strangers…" thing? Thanks!<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The A's and Mariners remained tied until the bottom
of the 13th inning when <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22968837&c_id=mlb&topic_id=vtp_budweiser" target="new">Josh Reddick drove home Jemile Weeks</a></b> after four
hours of great baseball. It had been a l-o-n-g afternoon, but any time with my
son is a good time – even if he IS getting older and won't be a child forever.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jalen: "Do kids still get to run the bases
after the game?"<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: "You wanna run the bases?<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jalen: "Yeah!"<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span></span></em></div>
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></em><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Me: "Let's go."</span></em></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-75573459144368135642012-12-30T04:17:00.000-08:002012-12-30T04:17:28.113-08:002012 NFL Pickery -- Week #17<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Last Week</u></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://lowresolution.blogspot.com/" target="new">Joe</a></b>: 12-4</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Aaron</u>: 12-4</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Current Standings</u></span>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Joe</u>: 157-80-1</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Aaron</u>: 146-90-1</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Tampa Bay at Atlanta</b></span>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The Falcons have wrapped up the
NFC #1 seed in the playoffs, so I doubt their starters will see much
action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On a related note, the
Buccaneers haven't shown up since before Thanksgiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Hey, it's been a long season. I'm allowed
ONE Jay Leno-esque joke this week, yes?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Atlanta</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Oh, wait, did we all forget to
have that tedious conversation about whether the Falcons are cheating their
fans by sitting their starters? Pick: <b>Atlanta</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NY Jets at Buffalo</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> I don't know what's true and
what's not. But, I'm rooting for this Tim Tebow heel turn to continue this week
and through the offseason -- with an NWO-era Hollywood Hulk Hogan beard and an
interview tour that draws heavily on The Rock's infamous, incredulous "Die
Rocky Die" promo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Buffalo</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Whoever starts for the Jets this
week, can they just do me a solid and beat the Bills so that I can at least
look forward to a top-5 draft pick? Pick: <b>NY Jets</b> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Baltimore at Cincinnati</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The Bengals are currently the
sixth seed in the AFC playoffs and will be playing on the road next week
against one of the division champions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, I'll go back to inexplicably picking against them in seven days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Cincinnati</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> The Bengals are certainly playing
better more consistently these days. But that was a good, solid win the Ravens
had over the Giants last week. I think they pull this one out too. Pick:
<b>Baltimore</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Chicago at Detroit</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> For Chicago to make the
playoffs, the Bears need to win here and hope Minnesota loses to Green
Bay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sounds like an awful lot of good
fortune considering the storm cloud that perpetually follows Jay Cutler's pouty
frown around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Chicago</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Detroit is riding an incredibly
sad first-to-worst trajectory that can't possibly be redeemed even by knocking
a division rival out of the playoffs. But they might as well give it a try.
Pick: <b>Detroit</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Jacksonville at Tennessee</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The 2-13 Jaguars remain in
contention for the first pick in next year's draft. They've already defeated
the Titans earlier this season, so a win here does nothing for no one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kind of like Maggie in the "Lisa on
Ice" episode of <i>The Simpsons</i> just before she catches
the beer bottle that was hurtling towards Homer's head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only she were real, eh, Jacksonville?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Tennessee</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Hard to imagine how
Jacksonville's season could have gone downhill so steeply after losing their
only good player to injury. Pick: <b>Tennessee</b> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Houston at Indianapolis</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> There are unquestionably more
grotesque stories in the news this holiday season, but let's find a way to give
an honorable mention to the Arian Foster fantasy owners who groused about his
unavailability last week -- due to an irregular heartbeat -- in relation to
their fantasy playoff prospects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Houston</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> New Year's Eve Eve in
Indianapolis! Just like Irving Berlin wrote about! Pick:
<b>Houston</b> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Carolina at New Orleans</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Let's recap: earlier in the
season Panthers QB Cam Newton was getting nonsensically crushed for bad body
language on the sideline and in postgame interviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last week, he deliberately bumped the referee
in a game against one of the league's worst teams and <i>now</i>
he's nonsensically hailed as "intense" and a "team
leader"?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>New Orleans</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Football fans are kind of the
worst. Meanwhile, what a sad 8-8 season for the Saints this will have been.
Bounties and punishments and injuries and 5-interception games. Their NFL Films
highlight video is just going to be the Drew Brees/One Direction ad over and
over again. Pick: <b>New Orleans</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Philadelphia at NY Giants</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Remember that scene in
<i>Major League</i> where Roger Dorn defends his refusal to dive
for a ball by explaining how he's not going to put himself at physical risk for
his teammates ("a bunch of stiffs") when he's so close to free
agency?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, that'll be Michael Vick
filling in for Corbin Bernsen this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>NY Giants</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> And so begins Project Don't Let
the Bills Sign Michael Vick. Pick: <b>NY Giants</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Cleveland at Pittsburgh</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The chasm between QB Ben
Roethlisberger and the Steelers coaching staff is going to come to a head very
soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Head coach Mike Tomlin looks
increasingly overrated -- more "motivator" than Xs and Os coach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His resume is impressive, even if all of the
success was sustained years ago, so he's got all the qualifications to be an
Oakland Raiders employee by 2014.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Pittsburgh</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Well, we've already got the
Steelers knocked out of the playoffs. Maybe we can go in for a losing record as
well? Pick: <b>Cleveland</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Arizona at San Francisco</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> At home and against an inferior
opponent, the 49ers will probably hang 50+ points as some sort of
"response" to their humiliating defeat last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hopefully, this reminds America why we should be united in rooting
against them when the playoffs start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>San Francisco</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Really excited to see how Niners
QB Chris Kirkpatrick fares in the upcoming playoffs. Pick: <b>San
Francisco</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>St. Louis at Seattle</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The transformation of Seahawks
head coach Pete Carroll from laughingstock of the NFL coaching ranks into this
affable, smirking genius isn't all that remarkable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, baseball fans like me saw it when
incompetent Texas Rangers manager Bobby Valentine landed in Queens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this ends with Carroll ruining New England
sometime in 2022, I'll wait it out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Seattle</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> So who decided it was a good idea
to feed the Seattle Seahawks after midnight? Huh? The cryptic, weird Asian
"celestial" stereotype at the curio shop SPECIFICALLY said not to!
Pick: <b>Seattle</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Oakland at San Diego</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> And, so...just 48 hours after
Raiders head coach Dennis Allen went on record criticizing back-up QB Terrelle
Pryor's practice habits, knowledge of the playbook and grasp of
fundamentals...Pryor was announced as the starter here. NO ONE doubts it was
owner Mark Davis who made the call in response to loud, know-nothing fans who
thought QB Carson Fucking Palmer should've had this team playing in February. Honestly,
you guys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Been a fan since I was seven
years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, <i>this</i>
shit...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>San
Diego</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Okay, ONE more win for Norv
Turner. But that's it! In other news, Project Don't Let the Bills Hire Norv
Turner. Pick: <b>San Diego</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Green Bay at Minnesota</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> With the single-season rushing
record within reach, Vikings RB Adrian Peterson will rack up a kajillion
carries and everyone on the field knows it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Also, predictable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ESPN.com's
Bill Simmons will make a kajillion references to "Tecmo Bo Jackson"
about it on his podcast come Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Minnesota</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Come on, Packers. If you can't
get up for spitefully denying a hated rival a spot in the playoffs, what can
you get up for? Pick: <b>Green Bay</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Miami at New England</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> I always look forward to the
"warm-weather team plays in cold weather" narrative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one that dutifully ignores the fact that
NO ONE likes playing in cold weather and the fans who pay to sit outside in
these temperatures are crazy people and shouldn't be romanticized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>New England</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I ATTENDED THE COLDEST BUFFALO
BILLS GAME ON RECORD AND SAT ON METAL BLEACHERS TO DO SO AND LIKED IT. (Beat
the Jeff Hostetler-led Raiders, as I recall.) Pick: <b>New
England</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Kansas City at Denver</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Any team that steadfastly
sticks with QB Brady Quinn has clearly stopped giving any expletives,
whatsoever -- a sh*t, a f*ck, a sh*tf*ck. Take your pick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Denver</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Oh, Denver. Taking an 11-game win
streak into the playoffs. Enjoy that divisional-round home loss. Pick:
<b>Denver</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Dallas at Washington</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Is it possible to bet on where
Redskins QB Robert Griffin III will rank when the first fantasy football
projections come out next summer? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Overall top five, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Third behind Adrian Peterson and Arian
Foster?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, will his 2013 performance
be impacted by his inevitable "Madden 14" cover?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>Can we bet on this?!</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Washington</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> The NFC East can't be decided this
cleanly, can it? Pick: <b>Dallas</b></span></div>
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Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-27075409235132822932012-12-23T07:35:00.001-08:002012-12-23T07:35:13.406-08:002012 NFL Pickery -- Week #16<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Last Week</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://lowresolution.blogspot.com/" target="new">Joe</a></b>: 13-2</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Aaron</u>: 7-9</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Current Standings</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Joe</u>: 145-76-1</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><u>Aaron</u>: 136-86-1</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Atlanta at Detroit (Saturday)</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Oh, of course. I started Lions
QB Matt Stafford during the first round of my big-money league fantasy playoffs
last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After putting up solid
numbers over the past three weeks, he gave me <i>six</i> goddam
points against the execrable Cardinals when I needed him the most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When my eight-year-old son asks why there are
no presents under the Christmas tree, I'm going to show him a picture of YOUR
FAT FACE, STAFFORD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Atlanta</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I don't want to talk about him
anymore. I should probably feel bad for Detroit fans, having been teased with a
playoff team last year only to have it cruelly yanked away. But between
Stafford and the fact that seemingly every week I went up against Mike Leshoure
who scored as many touchdowns are he possibly could and still have the Lions
lose ... let's say my sympathy has been drained. Pick: <b>Atlanta</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Oakland at Carolina</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> My Raiders insist that
third-string QB Terrelle Pryor will see some opportunities this week in third
down situations and <i>in the red zone</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Y'know, because when you're 4-10 and have
scored the sixth fewest points in the league, you entrust the offense to the
long-term project who's been on the field for <i>three</i> plays in
his two-year NFL career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Carolina</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Carolina is pulling the old Bills
trick of pulling a 7-9 season out of a terrible start and sabotaging any
prospects to improve through the draft. Well done! Pick:
<b>Carolina</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>New Orleans at Dallas</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Pretty sure it was preordained
that the 2012 NFC East would end in a spectacular clusterfuck heading into the
final week, so I'll pick accordingly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Dallas</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> What do you think goes through
Jerry Jones's mind when he looks at the Saints, a team whose season was
deep-sixed by the commissioner's office (or so the outrage goes). Does he feel
like the career bank-robber who's been on the run his whole life looking at
someone get popped? Pick: <b>Dallas</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Tennessee at Green Bay</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> While the Packers seem to be
getting healthy at <i>juuust</i> the right time, the nitpicky cynic
in me can't help but point out that they've allowed most of their 2012
opponents to keep the score close all season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They'll be a fascinating storyline in January.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Less so against the continued collection of
cream puffs, cakes and éclairs they'll squeak by in December.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Green Bay</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> By the NY Giants theory of lying
in the NFC weeds, the Packers would seem to have their opponents right where
they want them. Pick: <b>Green Bay</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Indianapolis at Kansas City</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Soon-to-be-fired Chiefs head
coach Romeo Crennel is going to be handsomely paid for the final two years of
the three-year contract he signed prior to the 2012 season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His career record is 28-53. If this isn't a
specific Republican presidential candidate talking point in 2016, I'll be
disappointed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Indianapolis</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Not that this game is important
enough to warrant it, but you know those mayoral wagers where the mayor of
Kansas City will send a case of BBQ to the mayor of Indianapolis, who in turn
sends to the mayor of Kansas City ... what? Miniature Formula One cars?
<i>Parks and Recreation</i> DVDs? Pick:
<b>Indianapolis</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Buffalo at Miami</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> NOW, it occurs to me that I've
been picking the Bills with much more frequency than the guy who actually
<i>roots</i> for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm
beginning to think Joe knows something I don't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Miami</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Well, great. SKYNET has become
self-aware. Pick: <b>Miami</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>San Diego at NY Jets</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> It's probably not a good sign
in the short-term that in the same week third-string QB Greg McElroy is named
the starter for the Jets, there are reports that the team will pursue Michael
Vick for their quarterback spot in 2013.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh, Jets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don't ever change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>San Diego</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I still think we've seen Norv
Turner's last win for the Chargers. Pick: <b>NY Jets</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Washington at Philadelphia</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Let's slow down on all the
"Washington has TWO good quarterbacks" claptrap, America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Backup QB Kirk Cousins is the quintessential
second-stringer -- unspectacularly competent -- who's coming off a win against
Cleveland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i>Cleveland</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Redskins could start Cousins OR a recovering Robert Griffin III this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Eagles are worthy of the same
condescending italics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Washington</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I've been home for Christmas for
25 hours now, and I've already got family members clamoring for Andy Reid (my
brother's namesake, of course) to be the next Bills head coach. Somebody
bright-side this for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Washington</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Cincinnati at Pittsburgh</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The Steelers were outcoached
two weeks ago against the Chargers and outplayed last week against the
Cowboys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While it's FAR too soon to
welcome Pittsburgh's Mike Tomlin into the pantheon of incompetent black head
coaches; Art Shell, Dennis Green, Ray Rhodes, Raheem Morris and Herm Edwards
are monitoring the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Pittsburgh</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> This Christmas, let's give the
Steelers the gift of a January vacation, hmm? Pick:
<b>Cincinnati</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>St. Louis at Tampa Bay</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The Buccaneers still sport the
top-ranked defense against the run AND the worst defense against the pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since the Rams offense still goes through RB
Steven Jackson and the Bucs are at home and they're probably still pissed over
last week's 41-0 loss to New Orleans and...etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Tampa Bay</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Whereas I think the Bucs have
lost it. LOST IT! Scientific finding! Pick: <b>St. Louis</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>New England at Jacksonville</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Seems unfair that it's the
Patriots who are the only team to receive two byes this season, but after last
week's heavyweight fight against the 49ers, I <i>suppose</i> it's
defensible. Pick: <b>New England</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Really annoyed that last week's
near-comeback against the Niners gave Pats fans the bright side of proof that
running up the score is necessary. Even when they lose they win. Pick:
<b>New England</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Minnesota at Houston</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Surprised to learn the Vikings
(with RB Adrian Peterson) and Texans (with RB Arian Foster) only rank fourth
and fifth, respectively, in rushing offense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>OK, so the three teams ahead of them (Washington, San Francisco and
Seattle) have quarterbacks who can run, but keep this bit of trivia in your
back pocket. Use it to chase off the sports-hating relatives after Christmas
dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Houston</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Once again, we're still not
talking enough about Adrian Peterson. I know this because someone somewhere is
not talking about him right now. And there's no excuse for that. Pick:
<b>Houston</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Cleveland at Denver</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> I'm beginning to reconsider my
"Broncos have already clinched the division, they're due for a
letdown" prognostication strategy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Denver</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Watch out, Broncos! Don't want to
take a jinx-prone winning streak into the playoffs! Start that goldbricking,
fellas. Pick: <b>Denver</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Chicago at Arizona</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> With their season teetering on
the brink, a loss to the 5-9 Cardinals would undoubtedly be the most "Jay
Cutler" moment of Jay Cutler's career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b>Chicago</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> The Cardinals started the season
4-0, you guys. THIS season! THESE Cardinals! Pick: <b>Chicago</b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>NY Giants at Baltimore</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Both of these once-great
defenses are now borderline abominable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, it's the Giants who have some serious health concerns with many of
QB Eli Manning's weapons banged-up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think it's time for the greater New York/New Jersey area to consider the
possibility that Manning's social calendar will be WIDE open for the next nine
months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Available for birthday
parties!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Baltimore</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I'd say it's the Ravens who are
slightly more likely to go into the ultimate swoon, but there's no one in the
AFC waiting to overtake them. BTW, is Ray Rice still a great running back? I'm
not being sarcastic -- I honestly don't know. I haven't heard anyone mention
him all season. Pick: <b>NY Giants</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>San Francisco at Seattle</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The 49ers can be schizophrenic
from week to week, while the Seahawks' earlier loss in San Francisco was on a
Thursday night as both teams sleepwalked for three hours. It's not exactly an
airtight rationale for picking Seattle, but one of these teams has gotta win, I
suppose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Seattle</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Happy that the Seahawks were able
to get those self-esteem-boosting 50-plus-point outings against the Cardinals
and Bills in time to be wildly overconfident against the 49ers. Pick:
<b>San Francisco</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7333991649672303972.post-45619780507436620862012-12-16T06:06:00.005-08:002012-12-16T06:06:55.497-08:002012 NFL Pickery -- Week #15<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>Last Week</u></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>Aaron</u>: 9-7</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://lowresolution.blogspot.com/" target="new">Joe</a>: 7-9</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>Current Standings</u></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>Joe</u>: 132-74-1</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u>Aaron</u>: 129-77-1</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Cincinnati at Philadelphia</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Has anyone lazily equated the
inevitable end of Eagles head coach Andy Reid's tenure with the team's colors
yet?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those "Green Mile"
headlines would write themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last
week, the Eagles showed some life against Tampa Bay and their porous pass
defense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Riding the home underdog on
Thursday nights has been a gambling staple this season, but I can't see beating
TWO teams fighting for playoff spots in back-to-back weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Cincinnati</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> For the first time in the 15 seasons
we've been making these picks, one of us blew a deadline. And it was me. If I
end up losing this season by a half a game, I'm gonna be pissed.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Aaron:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nah, I won't count it...unless we finished tied. And, only because I
LOVE the idea of Andy Reid being analogous to the House of
Representatives.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>NY Giants at Atlanta</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Both teams are playing like
they will make the playoffs before being eliminated in their first January
game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While the Falcons have the NFC
South won, the Giants appear content to drunkenly stumble down the win one/lose
one alley for the rest of the season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Atlanta</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> We've seen this happen countless
times, right? The embarrassing playoff defeat is "avenged" in the
much-lower-stakes regular season rematch? Pick: <b>Atlanta</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Minnesota at St. Louis</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> I squeaked into the playoffs of
my big-money fantasy football league.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
opponent this week will field all-world Texans RB Arian Foster
<i>and</i> all-world Vikings RB Adrian Peterson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, back in August, no one thought that
a human being could recover from a torn ACL in less than eight months – much
less play the most violent major sport in America (half the time on artificial
turf) for 16 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, Peterson was
passed over in the early rounds of our fantasy draft until he landed in my
opponent's lap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, so concludes my own
eulogy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Minnesota</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Two teams playing above what
people assume their level to be at the moment. Two pop-psychology strategies --
go with the team with the best player on the field; so with the home team in a
toss-up game -- are in opposition to each other. Which leads me to strategy #3:
pick against Cam to make things interesting. Pick: <b>St. Louis</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Jacksonville at Miami</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> With nearly 20 years of history
to consider, I think it's safe to say that the NFL's Floridian trifecta of
Jaguars, Dolphins and Buccaneers will never produce the collectively
entertaining football that Florida State, the University of Miami and the
University of Florida generated for any one year during the late 1980s/early
1990s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No disrespect, Mark Brunell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Miami</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Ah, but what about the trifecta
of fictional Floridian sports teams: <i>Any Given Sunday</i>'s Miami
Sharks, <i>Coach</i>'s Orlando Breakers, and the XFL's Miami
Maniax. ...What's that? Oh no they weren't, that's ridiculous. Pick:
<b>Miami</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Green Bay at Chicago</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Rivalry week! Overly reverent
attention paid to former Bears coach Mike Ditka on the ESPN Sunday Gameday
set!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A rare "-bo" tweet from
President Obama showing solidarity with Chicago!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People sitting outside in frigid conditions
pretending that they're REAL fans!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Smash-mouth! And, so forth!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Chicago</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Whatever, I totally get into the
Packers-Bears rivalry, I will fully admit it. The Bears are in a swoon, while
we're in Week 15 of Green Bay Return to Dominance Watch. Maybe we don't get
THERE this week, but maybe another ugly win is in order. Pick: <b>Green
Bay</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Washington at Cleveland</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Last week, I joked that the
Redskins would win as long as QB Robert Griffin III remained upright.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn't…and they still won.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Browns are building a little "this
team might not be bad" momentum based entirely on a few recent wins
against <i>really</i> bad teams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That'll do, Cleveland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick:
<b>Washington</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Man, I REALLY want to pick
Cleveland to halt this recent Griff-mentum. But when one team has this much to
play for and the other really doesn't, it's tough to go against that tide.
Guess I'm taking the team with the actual racist name over the team whose name
just <i>sounds</i> racist. Pick: <b>Washington</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Denver at Baltimore</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Two weeks ago, I picked the
Buccaneers to upset the Broncos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last
week, Joe picked the Raiders – 10-point underdogs – to upend Denver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So…I guess it's my turn?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Baltimore</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> NEVER AGAIN. Pick:
<b>Denver</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Indianapolis at Houston</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> This could be the next big NFL
rivalry that the networks fast-track into a pair of prime time spots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not soon enough for everyone who is long sick
of those Pittsburgh v. Baltimore 14-13 slogs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Speaking of next season, that's when Colts QB Andrew Luck will be more
likely to beat a very good team on the road in December.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Houston</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Took the observation right out of
my mouth, re: Luck. This would be a good time for Houston to come up large and
wrest back some of the confidence they lost in last week's unfortunate loss to
the Patriots. Not that they'll get any credit for it. Pick:
<b>Houston</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span></o:p> </div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Tampa Bay at New Orleans</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Even by the kneejerk standards
of the 24/7 news cycle in professional sports, the epitaph of Saints QB Drew
Brees – penned by many after his five interception performance in Atlanta two
weeks ago – seemed unusually hasty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes good players/teams have bad years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the league's commissioner wreaks
havoc with a vendetta against a single team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So it goes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Tampa
Bay</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Tampa Bay has settled in nicely
to the role of Team I Can Never Pick Correctly. So congratulations to the Bucs,
then. Pick: <b>New Orleans</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Detroit at Arizona</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> It's been 20 years, but my alma
mater – San Diego State – has finally produced another terrible NFL
quarterback!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Cardinals' Ryan Lindley
– like Dan McGwire two decades earlier – has no business playing on Sunday
afternoons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, Lindley can't even
boast having a famous, muscle-bound sibling who played Major League
Baseball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait, let me double
check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He can't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Detroit</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Dan McGwire! Oooh, that takes me
back. Where did Kelly Stouffer go to college? Stan Humphries? Browning Nagle?
Wait, I know Browning Nagle went to Louisville. Glad that little nugget of
un-monetizable information is taking up space in my head. Pick:
<b>Detroit</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Carolina at San Diego</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Embattled Chargers head coach
Norv Turner used an imaginative, aggressive game plan to upset the Steelers in
Pittsburgh last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Media reports
indicate that he's already been told he won't be coaching in San Diego next
season, so what better final "f*ck you" to Chargers fans than
coaching like he has nothing to lose, picking up some meaningless December wins
and sabotaging the team's draft position next spring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Norv!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>San Diego</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> OR ... that was the last-gasp,
"Roy Cohn crowing that he finally got Ethel Rosenberg to sing" effort
for the Chargers this season before they drop dead and Cam is asked to come in
and say the kaddish over his vanquished foe? (Is that TWO <i>Angels in
America</i> references this season? I'm on fire!) Pick:
<b>Carolina</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Seattle at Buffalo</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, we're all back on the Seattle bandwagon?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, sure, they won 58-0 last week, but
are we ALL going to ignore the caliber of that execrable Cardinals squad?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Huh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>OK, then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>Buffalo</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Eight turnovers! The Miami Maniax
could have won a game getting the ball back that many times. (Callback!) I'd go
with the Bills, except this is their annual Fake Home Game in Toronto screwjob.
Pick: <b>Seattle</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Pittsburgh at Dallas</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Ten years ago, these were the
two most insufferable fanbases in the NFL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, they're what – second and third, respectively?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, please don't ask who's number one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You ALL know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Pittsburgh</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Well, if you're picking Chargers,
I'm adding the Patriots and the Redskins somehow. And the Niners fans will be
back up there before you know it. I'm going to call the last couple weeks for
the Steelers "fluky." Plus, they need to lose here in order to beat
the Bengals next week so that they can drag the final AFC wild card spot into
9-7 drudgery. Pick: <b>Dallas</b></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Kansas City at Oakland</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> The Raiders reinstated
linebacker Rolando McClain after suspending two games for conduct detrimental
to the team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's been demoted to the
bench and will likely see most of his playing time on special teams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Media reports indicate that the Raiders
<i>didn't</i> release him outright as a means of keeping him from
signing elsewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, his punishment is
to…<i>play</i> for the 2012 Raiders?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Makes sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>Oakland</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I've been sitting here for like
fifteen minutes trying to think of one interesting thing about this game.
Nothing. Straight-up nothing. This is what happens to me when I miss the
playoffs in both my fantasy leagues. Pick: <b>Oakland</b></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>San Francisco at New England</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Last week, I predicted 49ers
head coach Jim Harbaugh would ascend to Belichick-ian levels of fan animosity
someday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This week, they're on the same
field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The insufferable force against
the intolerable object – broadcast to a national television audience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enjoy the last night of Hanukkah,
everyone!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pick: <b>New
England</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> Come on, jerky Niners defense. Do
something. Pick: <b>San Francisco</b></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>NY Jets at Tennessee</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Aaron:</b> Anyone else rooting for the
Jets to run the table in December and somehow stumble into the playoffs with a
9-7 record?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pick: <b>NY Jets</b></span><o:p><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Joe:</b> I mean, obviously. For like a
billion different reasons. Which means now is when that dream dies. Pick:
<b>Tennessee</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span>Aaron C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03840720779725600492noreply@blogger.com1