Xmas – The Return(s)

I returned the following three Christmas gifts last week. If any of you plan on getting these items for someone you supposedly love, please read on:

Gap Waffle Hoodie - Since my brother has only known me his whole life, it's possible that I never mentioned how much I hate The Gap. I'm a Black guy in my 30s. Even conceding that I don't know what "fashion" is, I know that there's nothing at The Gap for me. I'm about 100 pounds over the clothing store's mandated 80-pound male model weight limit and about eight shades past their acceptable race limit.

But, that didn't stop my brother from ordering a XXXL "jewel blue" hoodie from gap.com. It's not that hideous. (Anyone know what's one level up from "hideous"?) It's just that…OK, see, here's the thing: I work Monday through Friday. Slacks, dress shirt, etc. Saturday and Sunday are my only two days to jettison the JC Penny's pants and oxford shirts. As an Oakland fan who moved to San Diego for college, I'm obligated to exclusively advertise this, this or this on my weekend attire.

The first for my baseball loyalties, the second for my alma mater and the third because if we don't support the mom n' pop American manufacturing operations, the Republicans have won.

Sorry, but if anyone in my hometown of Long Beach ever saw me in anything from The Gap, they'd revoke my visiting Crip visa – jewel blue or not. Besides, I just got off of probation up there from the seven years I owned a Saturn.

Exchanged for - Gap sweat pants and two pairs of novelty holiday draws – one with reindeer and the other with penguins!

Brookstone Surround Sound Earbuds - Most of you probably know Brookstone as that gadgety place in the mall. Most of their wares are a little out of my price range ($35 for an electronic tire pressure gauge?!) but Mrs. Bootleg knows how much the 1,000+ songs on my iPod mean to me.

Still, the cheapy earbuds that came with my iPod have served me admirably, so the need for an upgrade simply wasn't there. It's the first gift from the wife – for any occasion – that I've ever returned, so it was a little awkward around the ol' Christmas tree last Tuesday morning. Just a hint, fellas: when she says, "If you don't like it…" - just shut up and like it.

Exchanged for - Brookstone electronic tire pressure gauge. What?

Cell Phone Holster - Memo to Mrs. Bootleg: the only people who clip their cell phones to their belts are the same one who (1) wear shorts with their shirts tucked in (2) wear belts with their shorts or (3) wear belts. The wife got me a new cell phone with all the bells and whistles. And, while I'm about five years too late to truly appreciate the benefits of cell phone camera in a strip club, I had to straight call her out on the clip.

My earlier "hint" simply doesn't apply to cell phone holsters, which are essentially fanny packs 2.0.

Exchanged for - $10.76 back on the wife's credit card.