"Bourne"? More Like "Bored"! (Well, it wasn't THAT bad, but I needed a catchy title.)

A.O. Scott of The New York Times called the first one a "triumph". Peter Travers of Rolling Stone said "This one has everything…!" in describing the sequel. Meanwhile, That Bootleg Guy – of this sh*tty blog – is left to wonder if "everything" has passed him by.

Last week, I finally became the 275th millionth American to see The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. Like most of you, I liked the inventive Identity a little bit more and while both films moved along at a snappy little pace, I wouldn't say either was more than "perfectly acceptable entertainment".

Look, I was born with one of those "suspension of disbelief" genes, but Midget Matt Damon as a balls-out action star? Bullsh*t. I'm certainly no cinematographer, but didn't it look like some of those fight sequences were speed-sweetened a la the closing credits on "Benny Hill"? Sure, maybe they all are, but I've never overtly noticed it before.

Now, I loved the first 20 minutes or so of Identity. Here's this amnesiac supreme killing machine who's struggling to understand his litany of abilities, while making awkward small talk with Franka Potente. Then, from the point that the bad guys crash through the window of his Parisian apartment, it's a lazy chase movie. It's not actively awful, but all of this "redefining the action genre" nonsense is insane.

Potente's "Marie" nearly killed it for me. She's driven to vomit at the sight of Bourne's handiwork, then she joins forces with him…and, then she's so repulsed by Bourne that she wants nothing more to do with him. You've seen the character before: she's the one that demands an explanation for everything when they should be running away or shooting something.

Thankfully, she's on the screen for all of 10 minutes in Supremacy, the first sequel.

It's the same movie as the first, save for the addition of Joan Allen who is, admittedly, dynamite. Matt Damon is running, things blow up and no one knows who to trust. Christ, and that ending – a quaint little chat with the girl whose parents…eh, the one person who still hasn't seen it could be reading this.

I've heard that The Bourne Ultimatum is far and away the best of the bunch, so I'll see if it can sway the series for me. For now, I'm sticking with Who's Harry Crumb? for my unconvincing action flick fix.

At least it's intentional.