Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I Hate Meeces To Pieces

So, I came across a CD with a few old columns from the 411 days. A good chunk of them mention my wife during her days as Mrs. Pregnant Bootleg. So, with our son turning three in a few weeks, what better time to remember my wife's first night home from the hospital?

Originally from the February 20, 2004 Friday Music News Bootleg...

Last Saturday, Mrs. Bootleg was discharged from the hospital. It was her first day outdoors in two weeks so, of course, she spent most of it inside Stately Cameron Manor. In the evening, we drove down to the hospital to visit Baby Cameron in the ICU, grabbed dinner and came back home.

I ended up crashing in bed, while the wife jumped on the computer and began to upload dozens of baby pictures from the kid's first week on earth. Around 2:00 AM, she comes running into the bedroom to inform me that our cat had brought yet another mouse into the house.

This wasn't the first rodent he had invited home, so I fetched my mouse-hunting gloves and went downstairs. After 15 minutes of back-and-forth, triple threat action between mouse vs. cat vs. Aaron, I snagged the mouse by his tail. On my way to the front door, the lil' bastard shanked me with his razor-sharp teeth. That's right…he bit me.

Mrs. Bootleg, who is swimming in postpartum hormones, demanded that I go to Urgent Care and get a tetanus shot, immediately. I held off until the sun came up, but at 8:00 AM, there I was, amongst a phalanx of phlegm-filled kids and their unshaven mothers in the waiting room.

I filled out the necessary forms and squeezed out my last remaining drops of manhood when I filled in "bit by a mouse" in the space marked "What's your emergency?" Then, as if to punish me for wasting Doctor's valuable time, I was led back to a small little patient room and made to wait nearly two hours before I received my shot.

Oh, and I discovered a new regulation on California's books. It seems that whenever you receive medical care for an animal bite, you have to fill out and submit an Animal Attack Report. Imagine my pride, as I answered questions like:

Animal: mouse
Animal's Weight (approx): less than 1 pound
Location Where Attack Took Place: My Living Room

That form is now on file with the state of California's Department of Animal Control, while I wonder if a neutered bitch such as myself can still be a positive male role model for my son.


ron mexico said...

Are you under the impression that your old material is so good it needs to run multiple times?

That Bootleg Guy said...


Greg said...

Made me chuckle.