Mariah Carey is Soft n' Moist

For the most part, Mariah Carey has eluded the long sardonic arm of The Goodness. When she went ka-ka-cuckoo on TRL in late 2002, The Bootleg had yet to be born. Although, truth be told, everyone was piling on Mariah back then as this was in the aftermath of Glitter, which AFI recently ranked behind "everything associated with Alicia Silverstone after Clueless."

Well, the five-octave tart is in the middle of a career renaissance and, at 36, has even regained her status as a multi-racial sex symbol, regaining the throne alongside…umm, I s'pose Halle Berry? Although, Black folk turned on the erstwhile Mrs. David Justice when she birthed a buffalo and pretended to have sex with Billy Bob Thornton in Monster's Ball, while white folk started hating when she won an Oscar for said performance and turned her acceptance speech into Black History Month.

Anyways, in a recent interview, Carey revealed some steamy details about her bedroom, using words like "protection", "lubrication" and "larynx".

And, yes, it's not what you think, but you have to admit my "jerk the audience around" ability is not dissimilar to M. Night Shyamalan's and you viewers have made him a millionaire.

So, in the interview, Carey claims that she sleeps in a waterproof steam room that lubricates her larynx and protects her voluminous voice. Further, her bedding is entirely terrycloth toweling that absorbs surplus moisture. All other essential fixtures are either waterproof or stashed behind glass.

"I'll have 20 humidifiers around the bed", Mariah mused, "Basically, it's like sleeping in a steam room. The ceiling is pitched so the water can't fall on my head, and it drips down to my side."

The moisture misses the head and drips down the side? It's like she's sleeping in my toilet at 2:00 AM or something. Still, even if we afford her points for being one of the few women who wants the wet spot in bed, this remains insane.

Why not just move to Florida like The Golden Girls and Tiger Woods? You get year-round humidity, along with no state income tax and beautiful beaches where future Cuban pitching prospects wash ashore like ethnic shellfish.

Hell, even hurricane season is no longer a negative. As Katrina taught us, the rich and the whites can always rebuild and recoup before the poor and the Blacks.

And, we all know which team Mariah's on.

This week.