Last week, I went 4-0 picking the winners outright, while posting a pathetic 1-3 versus the spread. If this were baseball, a stat like that would get me 1,000 words in a Jayson Stark column.
I called a "shootout" in the Chiefs/Colts game and Indy wins going away.
I correctly singled out Tony Romo as the reason Seattle wouldn't beat Dallas and still couldn't get a cover.
I took the Eagles when everyone was calling the Giants, but put too many points on the table.
I had the Patriots covering versus the Jets and New England saved me from a 4-0/0-4 embarrassment.
My point is that the following predictions are for entertainment purposes only (home team in CAPS):
Vs. the Spread: 1-3
Indianapolis Colts (+4) vs. BALTIMORE RAVENS
Everyone knows that when an African-American fan watches a game between two teams, without any vested interest in the outcome, he must root for the team with the Black quarterback. If there are two Black quarterbacks, the rule is "don't root for Aaron Brooks". I'm torn here, though, because Peyton Manning has all the light-skinned tendencies of the brutha trying too hard to pass. And, never has a poor racial analogy been so intrinsically linked with the actual issues faced by a white quarterback in a playoff game.
Final Score: Ravens 28, Colts 27
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-5) vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Interesting. Drew Brees and the Saints could very easily follow the path of my fantasy football team: racking up big numbers in empty regular season games, before struggling to score in the games that mean more. Have I told y'all who was my fantasy quarterback this year? It was Drew Brees. And, after weeks of 400+ yards, 4 TD performances, he crapped the bed in my playoffs when I needed him most. I'll never let this go.
Final Score: Saints 31, Eagles 7
Seattle Seahawks (+8.5) vs. CHICAGO BEARS
Eight and a half points?! F*** it, I'm laying real money down on this one. Seriously. Bears' QB Rex Grossman can't find the end zone and head coach Lovie Smith seems perfectly OK to equate "losing" with "loyalty". Meanwhile, the Seahawks have the ro-momentum (HAW!) from last week's win over Dallas. I'm not saying the Bears will lose this game (they won't). I'm just saying the Bears might not even score 8.5 points, much less cover the spread. This one's free money, kids. Bet early, bet often.
Final Score: Bears 16, Seahawks 13
New England Patriots (+5) vs. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
I have no idea why even the seasoned gamblers are having such a hard time with this one. Chargers RB LaDanian Tomlinson is the best player on either team, but would you rather have the last four weeks of Tom Brady or Phillip Rivers? More importantly, in a must win game, would you rather have Bill Belichick (12-2 in the playoffs) or Marty Schottenheimer (5-12 in the playoffs) at the helm? The Chargers' secondary can be beaten and Brady will pick them apart. LT will become a non-factor after an early Pats lead forces Rivers to win it with his arm and my long local nightmare will be over. Thank you, New England. Thank you.
Final Score: Patriots 37, Chargers 17