Tuesday, January 9, 2007

The Future Mrs. Scary Murphy?

For those of us who properly lament the current state of the musical landscape, let's not forget that 10 years ago, The Spice Girls' were at the height of their commercial majesty. Although, when one considers that 1997 was mostly a mishmash of Ma$e singles and a million Mariah Carey remixes, it's easy to see how a talentless faction of estrogen could succeed in a year when faux entertainment gang wars were all the rage.

Anyways, former Spice Girl Melanie Brown is five months pregnant and, according to reports, she's under 24-hour police protection.

Y'see, the erstwhile Scary Spice was romantically linked to 1980's comedic icon, Eddie Murphy over the summer. However, their six-month relationship ended a few weeks ago, with Murphy denying that he's anybody's babydaddy.

So, how do the cops come into play?

According to British tabloid, The Sun, Brown has allegedly endured "harassment from Eddie Murphy fans standing outside her rented home in Los Angeles."

"Eddie Murphy fans"? I know those words, but that sign sentence makes no sense. I mean, it's been cinematically confirmed that Eddie's caucus of Caucasian supporters all abandoned him right around the three-and-a-half-hour mark of Harlem Nights. And, that was with 60 minutes still to go. Meanwhile, the minorities stuck around until Eddie stuck his mound into Eartha's Kitty in 1992's Boomerang.

And, yes, we know it was just a movie, but even the imaginary exploration of Eartha's "underground railroad"… ugh, let's just move on.

The point is that Eddie Murphy's rabid "fanbase" was at least three crossover Negroes ago. And, by the time that Dave Chappelle had replaced Chris Rock who had replaced Martin Lawrence (don't act like you didn't like him back in 1994), there wasn't anyone left for Eddie, save for the precious few who Remember the Time (when we fell in love).

So, keep your light-skinned chin up, Mel B. A few hurtful words from a small unemployable herd shouldn't get you down. Just fight the urge to leave your leftovers out for Arsenio Hall when he comes to heckle or you'll never get rid of him.

Just ask Eddie…he'll tell you some tales about…

Whoops…sorry, Scary.


eric m. said...

I'm pretty sure that we forgave Murphy for Harlem Nights. It was Another 48 Hrs. that killed off his white fanbase and drove Nick Nolte batshit crazy and on to the set of Blue Chips.

Anonymous said...

hey, i stuck around until 'vampire in brooklyn'. once i saw eddie with those press and curl hair extensions, i was officially off the bandwagon.

Joe R. said...

How we've managed to make it this far without the words "tranny hooker" coming up is one of life's great mysteries indeed.

c.j.s. said...

Too easy, Joe. It's like saying that we won World War II by dropping the bomb(s) on Japan, when it's more fun to hear some 100 year old historian tell us it was the "Battle of St. Obscure" behind a Parisian boulangerie in 1943 that *really* turned the tide in the Allies favor.

mejor said...

I'm pretty sure Harlem Nights *still* isn't over yet.