Sunday, December 28
Aaron Cameron's Kryptonite - I had about two hours of real sleep sprinkled within seven fitful hours in bed with the boy. I lumbered down the hallway of my in-laws' house, stumbled down an unfamiliar set of stairs, picked myself up after I partially fell down said set of stairs and reached the kitchen…only to find that there are living, breathing human beings who still drink Folgers.
It's been almost three weeks and I still don't know where to begin with this one. Mrs. Bootleg knows that a GOOD cup of coffee in the morning is all the difference between "surly, (verbally) abusive Bootleg Guy" and the slightly less-so version.
Most Uncomfortable Shower Scene since Oz - I take it back. There are TWO things I need in the AM: good coffee and a good shower. We're talkin' at least 10 minutes of scalding hot goodness, which provides enough time to clean the body, wash the last loyal remnants of my rapidly-retreating hairline and do this until the hot water runs out.
After Mrs. Bootleg and the boy split a shower, they left me with approximately 120 seconds of lukewarm water. This forced me into "military mode" – turning the water off after an initial, half-assed soaking with the shower head and then blowing through any soap and shampoo-related requirements. If there are any other loofah-using bruthas out there, you'll know that this is NO way to get that clean feeling.
This Can't End Well - The mother-in-law needed to pick up a prescription, but she didn't want to drive. Current time: 10:00 AM; current temperature: 18°; current weather conditions: light snow falling. Her chauffeur options included her husband (born/raised in Missouri and has lived in Utah for more than half his life)…her daughter (born/raised in Utah, previous snow-driving history) and me (born/raised in California, never driven in snow, worst previous personal driving conditions = reflection of glorious sunset/sunrise in my windshield).
We didn't even get out of the driveway, before I had the tires of the in-law's truck spinning on the ice. On our way back from the drugstore, I cut a left turn too wide and skidded nicely atop the snow-capped curb. My mother-in-law found this to be hilarious. I'm left wondering who thinks a $35,000 vehicle is a comedic device.
It's the Liberal Elitist in Me - A few weeks ago, I threw up a quickie post on some of the things that are actually better in cold weather. In the interest of fairness, here's something that is not: sightseeing around my wife's old hometown. Is there any place more depressing than small-town America in the winter? The streets are deserted, everything is gray and the self-imposed speed limit is 6 mph. You can HAVE your "seasons", Salt Lake City, Saskatoon and Syracuse. It was 80 degrees in San Diego this weekend. Now, I don't normally throw that in my readers' faces, but in your face, readers. In your face!
Snow Daze - Before we retire for an evening of NBC's Sunday Night football, Jalen and I pile out of the car and attempt to play in the snow. Now, some of you have been doing this for so long that I'm sure it's second nature. But, this is just my second time in snow and Jalen's first. We tentatively reached for handfuls of fresh-fallen snow and tossed it towards…nowhere in particular. This went on for another minute or two before our hands got cold. Then, we got gloves. Believe me, this was as awkward and stilted as it sounds. We took some pictures (as Californians are legally obligated to do whenever we're in or around snow), threw some more snow and then – after 30 more minutes – determined that snow really isn't that interesting.
Hey, where'd that ominous music come from?
Next: I discover Utah has an OUTDOOR mall and