Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The Cam Fam's 2008 Xmas Recap Show
Current Weight: Too Thin - Over the last few years, I wore size XXL in pretty much everything. After living through the pre-gangsta rap early '80s, I vowed never to wear tight jeans and shirts that didn't touch my butt ever again. Unfortunately, I'm about 20 pounds lighter than I was six months ago, which means my XXL Oakland A's swim trunks and boxer shorts from Mrs. Bootleg now fit well south of my ass. Naturally, the A's online store is out of all other sizes.
For the Negro Elitist who has Everything - If any of you have African-American friends and you're pressed for time or out of ideas for a last-second gift idea…try to avoid anything Obama-related. Trust me: every Black person you know received something from the Barack collection for Christmas. Enough already.
Most Underrated Gift of the Season - Mrs. Bootleg copped "Esquire The Rules: A Man's Guide to Life" for me. It's simple-minded and sophomoric, but also funny as hell. It's just a random numeric list of the "man law" concept that has served as the foundation for beer commercials and Adam Corolla/Jimmy Kimmel vehicles over the years. (Sample: "Tollbooths are not for the asking of directions" and "Nobody named 'Josh' is over the age of 35")
A New (Broken) Record! - This was one of two things that our son Jalen really, really wanted. Santa came through and Jalen seemed to enjoy the (t)race-track racing adventures of the Mickey Mouse gang. Sometime between December 25 and December 25 (a few hours later), one of the "racing launchers" had snapped off. This toy has since sat relatively untouched since we returned from Utah early last week. Honestly, I could've just handed $50 to our local food bank and felt the same sense of emptiness. (If you get a chance, scroll through the "parent reviews" of the link in this paragraph. They're all hilariously serious. Not sure what's worse: posting a "parent review" or blogging one.)
Jalen's Favorite Grandma Is… - My mother got the boy a Fisher-Price pitching machine. Mrs. Bootleg's mom got him a hand towel with his name stitched on it.
Mrs. Bootleg's New Boyfriend - With the passing of another six months, my wife made her seemingly semi-annual purchase of a new cell phone. She copped the Verizon Blackberry Storm and all she wanted from me was one of those silly "invisible" covers for it. I'm convinced the damn thing has become sentient. It buzzes, whirrs and beeps without reason. With full credit to m'man Nicka, we're two steps from the SkyNet apocalypse, people.
Favorite Christmas Cards - Confidential to all our middle-aged friends and co-workers who send out personalized Xmas cards featuring a photo of ONLY their molten-hot teenage daughters: Thank you.
Least Favorite Christmas Cards - I'm sure that 2008 was a wonderful year for your family. And, hey, congratulations on being completely immune to the economic implosion that's swallowed almost all of America. But, do you have to put it in a page-long letter meticulously detailing your new home, car, kids, etc.? If I wanted to know about these things, I'd call you more often.