Why I Now Might WANT to see Transformers 2

I've received this link to the Transformers 2 FAQ from a half-dozen different friends and/or readers in the past 48 hours. It is quite the awesome read – and chock full o' spoilers, by the way. Personally, I freakin' HATED the first one, but the sequel appears to have somehow managed to up the suck into a new stratosphere.

Robot farting…testicles…urination…AND illiterate ebonicbots?

Nope, still not seeing it.

TBG Eats: Burger King® Onion Rings Flavored Snacks AND Ketchup & Fries Flavored Snacks

Current Weight: 169.8 lbs.

With the buttery imitation-maple deliciousness of BK's French Toast snacks still tickling my tongue, I set off on one of my patented scavenger hunts of gluttony last weekend in an attempt to find ALL the junk food flavors under the Burger King brand name.

The good people at my local Rite-Aid had both the Onion Rings and the Ketchup & Fries flavors available (in $2.19 large bags, only) so, of course, I bought both. And, when my heart explodes at 40, I'll have no regrets.

My first thought while admiring the BK "Onion Rings" were Frito-Lay's Funyuns – one of the few members of the junk food family that I don't especially like. Funyuns' gritty texture and "doesn't taste like any goddamn onion I've ever eaten" faux flavor simply don't do it for me.

Thankfully, I was able to set aside my preconceived ersatz onion ring prejudice. BK's Onion Ring Flavored Snacks are thick and crisp with a WAY more authentic onion taste than Funyuns and a light, creamy finish. Admittedly, I don't have the most sophisticated palate in the blogosphere, but it sure tasted like BK's attempt to recreate the flavor of their glorious onion ring dipping sauce.

On the other hand, the Ketchup & Fries Flavored Snacks were up against a much higher standard. Y'see, in America's never-ending quest to compete with Canada on health care, hockey relevance and the Hart Foundation, Lady Liberty had lost her way. As readers of this lightly-read blog now know, it's Lay's Ketchup Chips that turned Canada into a world power to be reckoned with.

BK's Ketchup & Fries are textured like strips of Pringles with a dusting of mild ketchup flavors. These weren't bad, but they lacked the tanginess of the Lay's version which left my fingers a ruby red mess. A friend of mine made the obvious comparison between American vs. Canadian potato chip ketchup flavoring and American vs. Canadian beer alcohol content. I am now stealing that quip for my own unfunny purposes.

Grade (BK Onion Rings): 4 (out of 5) Calories: 110, Fat: 6g (per 1 oz. serving)

Grade (BK Ketchup & Fries): 3 (out of 5) Calories: 150, Fat: 8g (per 1 oz. serving)

4th Outfielders are the New "Moneyball"!

The Oakland A's traded RHP Ryan Webb, RHP Craig Italiano and a player to be named later (who'll almost certainly be RHP Sean Gallagher) to the San Diego Padres for OF Scott Hairston.

I don't get this trade. I mean, I didn't "get" the acquisition of Matt Holliday either, but at least he was an All-Star caliber player in Colorado brought to Oakland by our boy-genius GM in a foolhardy attempt to contend.

Here are Scott Hairston's career numbers entering the 2009 season:

PA: 1,056 BA: .246 OBP: .303 SLG: .453

And, here are Scott Hairston's numbers this season:

PA: 216 BA: .299 OBP: .358 SLG: .533

Hairston, 29, is a low-ceiling outfielder whose significant body of work prior to 2009 indicates some serviceable talent (.893 OPS vs. LHP in his career), but an otherwise unexceptional player. And, I know us light-skinned bruthas are supposed to stick together, but I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.

Predictably, most of my fellow A's fans can't look past Hairston's 2009 season and are convinced that he's "coming into his own" and "an upgrade to our offense". In reality, Hairston played out of his mind in April (.390/.468/.756) and while his numbers since May 1 (.276/.327/.474) aren't anything to sneeze at, he still isn't hitting RHPs all that well.

More discouraging is his batting average on balls in play (BABIP), which is hovering around .350 at the moment. BABIP is one of those esoteric stats that tends to normalize over the course of a long season with .290 considered "league average". Simply put, Hairston's "breakthrough" is the product of the hottest eight-week stretch of his entire career.

What really gets me is that the A's are just a few warm bodies shy of being able to field an entire team of offensively-limited outfielders. Hairston brings the exact same skill set to the plate as guys like Travis Buck and Aaron Cunningham who the A's have absolutely buried at Triple-A. Ryan Sweeney and Rajai Davis are speed and defense players who won't make anyone forget the all-natural power stroke of Jose Canseco, either.

A straight RF platoon with the left-handed Buck and the right-handed Cunningham could've provided a bump to the offense, while moving Jack Cust's sh*tty glove to permanent DH duty.

That the A's are giving up nothing of consequence (Webb's allowed more than 11 hits per nine innings in his last three minor league stops; Italiano was drafted in 2005 and still hasn't risen above Single-A and Gallagher…heh, well good luck that gutless load, San Diego) isn't much of a consolation.

Then, again, what do I know? Hairston homered off of Josh Beckett in his first Oakland start earlier this evening. Maybe he stays hot and the A's will flip him for more league average talent with steep platoon tendencies.

Can't get enough of that.

TBG Eats: Taco Bell's NEW Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito

Current Weight: 169.8 lbs.

Hard to believe it's been five years since Taco Bell introduced their "Big Bell Value Menu" to the masses. In a brilliant bit of "marketing that now seems obvious", TB chose to put the promotional focus on the portion sizes ("I'm full!") instead of the prices. These menu items were not to be confused with McDonald's one dollar teeny double cheeseburgers.

The 2004 fast food rookie-of-the-year came from TB's new value menu, as their take on the Beef n' Potato Burrito was born. Potatoes in a burrito aren't uncommon, but for Taco Bell this was quite the break from their familiar food offerings. Ground beef, seasoned chunks of fried potatoes, red sauce and sour cream? If I'd had this lightly-read blog back in '04, the Beef n' Potato Burrito would've earned a perfect score. (Ditto for the now-discontinued Grande Soft Taco – two flour tortillas with nacho cheese sauce spread between them, then folded and stuffed with twice the meat along with lettuce and cheddar cheese. Glorious.)

So, can Taco Bell improve upon perfection by adding bacon and nacho cheese sauce to the already-awesome power of the Beef n' Potato Burrito?

Well, they come pretty damn close.

The bacon's saltiness blends well with mild seasoning of the potatoes. The sour cream – for once, not scooped on with a shovel – is a nice mix with the nacho cheese and ground beef. And, we've already established the beautiful union of ground beef and potatoes in a Taco Bell tortilla.

This is a very good burrito, but the entireties of the components don't quite connect.

I hate to be the one to blaspheme at the altar of fast food, but the close proximity of ground beef and bacon just might be meat overkill. Meanwhile, the mix of bacon with nacho cheese is tasty enough, but not to the degree it should've been.

The above critiques are explicitly nitpicks, but the original Beef n' Potato Burrito raised the bar for all other Taco Bell beef and potato-based burritos. I think it's high time we accept that there'll never be another Michael Jordan.

That doesn't mean we can't appreciate Kobe or LeBron.

Grade: 4.5 (out of 5) Calories: 680, Fat: 36g

10 Thoughts: Oakland A's – June 2009

Current Record (thru June 30): 32-44
June Record: 13-15
GB – AL West: 10.5
GB – AL Wildcard: 12.5

(1) Mazzaro World - In Spring Training, there were whispers that 22-year-old Vin Mazzaro would begin the 2009 season on the big league roster. Instead, he was sent to Triple-A to work on his secondary pitches. After posting a 2.38 ERA in 56 IP at Sacramento, Mazzaro was called up to start against the White Sox on June 2. He didn't give up a run in 6.1 IP and picked up the win. Mazzaro won his next start before the A's offense scored just four total runs in his next four starts combined. While his record is only 2-3, Mazzaro pitches with an awesomely obnoxious swagger (can you believe he's from New Jersey?!) without any of the deer-in-the-headlights looks that super-hyped young A's starters Trevor Cahill and Brett Anderson have shown almost all season.

(2) STBU - OF Travis Buck had a solid rookie season in 2007 (.288/.377/.474 in 82 games) but has struggled mightily at the plate ever since. And, once you're in GM Billy Beane's doghouse, you might as well start having your mail forwarded there. In '09, Buck has played sporadically as a 4th outfielder and hasn't hit (.666 OPS) when given the rare start. On May 29 he strained his oblique. The next day he publicly proclaimed himself healthy, but the A's still put him on the DL. Anywhere else, upper management would get roasted if they jerked players around like the A's. Buck hit .350/.423/.550 in 17 games while on a rehab assignment (that turned into a formal demotion), before being recalled on June 29 – too late to make that night's game. The next night…Buck was right back on the bench.

(3) Geren Gots to Go - I'm one of those guys who believes managers don't have a whole lot of impact on a team's won-loss record. If we exhumed the remains of Connie Mack and his Nate Dogg hat, I doubt his bones could coax a winning season from this somnambulant A's squad. Manager Bob Geren seems completely flummoxed with how to lead a team with such an absence of chemistry. He gives too much deference to the veterans – handing clutch at-bats to ciphers like Nomar Garciaparra. He's got no feel for young players and may single-handedly obliterate our bullpen by the All Star Break. Most egregiously, even when the A's play their worst, he refuses to kick this team in the ass publicly or privately.

(4) Emperor Beane Has No Clothes - I'm not one of those message board trolls who hates everything and everyone, but HOW has GM Billy Beane escaped almost any and all scrutiny for cobbling together such a lackluster team? While I wasn't expecting anything close to a division title this year, Beane actually torpedoed his own rebuilding plan to bring in disinterested loafers like Orlando Cabrera and the aforementioned Giambi and Garciaparra – three guys who barely register a pulse as they go through the motions. Meanwhile, it's increasingly clear that the "quantity over quality" deals for Nick Swisher and Dan Haren have yielded an overflowing crop of 4th outfielders, 5th starters and "potential".

(5) The Year was 1989 - From June 22-24, the A's hosted the San Francisco Giants as part of (the increasingly irrelevant) interleague play. The featured promotion for the three-game series was to be a celebration of the 1989 World Series championship team, including a reunion of the A's who made up that roster 20 years ago. To the surprise of none of us who know and love this team, the A's completely mishandled the event. Depending on who you believe, the team (1) barely gave a month's notice to the members of the '89 team, which resulted in less than half of the champs even showing up; (2) only scheduled a reunion/celebration after seeing how classily the Giants – Oakland's opponent in the Series that year – pulled off their own anniversary party; (3) allowed the media to dictate the narrative for the evening (in order: Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire and why so few former A's showed up). Read here and here for more details.

(6) "Hello? Mrs. Pommelhorse? I'd like to get down now!" - The A's are averaging around 18,000 fans per game. This, of course, isn't the actual attendance as most nights there don't appear to be 5,000 people in the seats. Last month, the A's used Facebook to push $7 field level seats (nearly a 75% price reduction!); invited pop star Jordin Sparks for a postgame concert and – shockingly – actually had to discount 2nd level seating prices for a game against the rival Giants. The padded attendance numbers aren't getting much play, but NO ONE is coming out to see this team. Last week, the team announced a 4-game ticket plan. For every game that the A's win as part of this plan, the team will give ticket holders seats to a future A's game. We're at "Defcon Montreal" here, people.

(7) Over & Out, Man. - On June 19th, my son and I were in attendance at San Diego's PETCO Park for what turned out to be Josh Outman's last start of 2009. He left that game with what was described by North Korea's news agency the A's medical staff as a mild flexor-extensor strain. As usual, this was just a superfluous medical smokescreen by the team, concealing an even worse malady. Outman had Tommy John surgery about a week later. He was a legitimate candidate for the All-Star Game (4-1, 3.48 ERA, 53Ks in 67 IP); a proponent of old-school stirrups and easily the least attractive starting pitcher since the heyday of Zane Smith.

(8) We Still Drive a Gio - Gio Gonzalez was recalled from Triple-A to replace Outman on the roster. He lost his first two starts, yielding 17 hits in 8.2 innings, before shutting down a hacktastic Indians team yesterday. He's pretty much a two-pitch (fastball, curve) pitcher and refuses to challenge anyone inside. Seriously, take a drink when he goes 2-0, 3-0 or 3-1 on a hitter. Take a shot when he grooves a get-it-over fastball across the middle of the plate. And, pound a warm Natty Light whenever Gonzalez starts fidgeting with his cap, wiping terror sweat from his nervous brow and/or hyperventilating.

(9) I No Longer (Heart) Jack Cust - I've previously explained why Cust is the most polarizing player on this team. He's been the A's best hitter each of the last two seasons ('07 OPS: .912, '08 OPS: .851). But, Cust also strikes out a ton (361 Ks in the past two seasons) and is one of the most comically inept fielders in recent baseball history. I've defended him because he's been one of the best players in the league at NOT making outs, but his productivity has almost completely evaporated in 2009. He'll never hit for average, but his once-impressive OBP is down to .315 this season. Since May 15, he's hit .180/.258/.365. Cust is notoriously streaky, but the A's seriously need to consider moving him if/when he gets hot. Players with his skill set don't age well (Johnny Gomes and Sam Horn are his top two comps on baseball-reference.com) and the game is moving away from the "Fred Flintstone" type of players the A's have always been fond of.

(10) Don't Let the Door Hit You… - The Matt Holliday trade didn't make sense last November and now we can definitively say it was an epic bust by GM/boy genius Billy Beane. The stat-heads, almost in unison, swore up and down that there'd be little to no impact on Holliday's numbers while playing everyday outside of Coors Field. On the other hand, I said there would be an impact and cited his career-long road numbers in comparing him to Phillies sparkplug Shane Victorino. This year, Holliday's OPS is about 20 points behind Victorino's. There are even some in the know who believe Huston Street (traded to Colorado for Holliday) has more trade value right now than Holliday. Watching him play at 80% effort in a pathetic attempt to preserve his body in advance of free agency is a story that would be all over the place if he played in a real baseball town.

News Item: Jalen Cameron Sustains Concussion

SAN DIEGO - Former Rays and Pirates t-ball star Jalen Cameron was diagnosed with a mild concussion yesterday evening after an accident at his Rancho Bernardo townhouse.

Jalen, 5, was playing a rousing game of "throw the soccer ball at each other" in the living room with his father, Aaron. With his father clearly winning on points, Jalen resorted to hiding behind his mother to avoid getting nailed. At approximately 7:45 PM, Jalen – giggling uncontrollably and not watching where he was running – took two or three running steps towards his mother in the dining room. He then turned his head, which connected squarely with the corner of the open front door.

"J was about 30 feet from me when it happened", said his distraught father. "In the two or three seconds it took me to walk over, he already had a welt on his forehead the size of Hasim Rahman's after he fought Evander Holyfield."

The impact with the door opened up a 1-1 ½ inch vertical gash on Jalen's forehead, as well. While reports vary throughout the state, Jalen's scream was rumored to be heard clear up the coast of California, all the way to Eureka.

Jalen's mother – Mrs. Bootleg – was unavailable for comment as she's still not talking to this reporter, however she's believed to have acted as calmly and rationally as any mother would when her child's forehead becomes a lumpy, bloody mess.

"I've never seen anything like it", her husband replied. "Her right eye was fixed on Jalen, while her left eye was staring a hole through me the entire time. You know that 'look' wives will shoot their husbands when we do something SO egregiously stupid? Well, she had an injured child to tend to, so I only got the 'stink-eye' with one eye. Crazy."

An ice pack was immediately applied to Jalen's forehead, but his stream of tears could not be contained. Mrs. Bootleg reportedly switched into "family emergency mode" at this point and – with the events of 5/11 still fresh in her mind – began a rapid-fire process whereby Jalen would be in the car and off to the ER in about six seconds.

"So, Jalen's crying uncontrollably, he's got a foot growing out of his forehead, he's bleeding…and then, in an instant, he's all better", his father recalled.

Last evening's game between the Baltimore Orioles and Los Angeles Angels was playing in the background on the family's living room TV. Angels OF Bobby Abreu had just hit his 5th home run of the year, shifting Jalen's attention away from his own head trauma.

"What's the score? What number is he? What's his name? Are they going to do fireworks?", Jalen allegedly asked.

With his spigot of tears turned off – and at his father's suggestion, Jalen calmly walked into the downstairs bathroom to assess his injury. "In the pantheon of bad ideas", said his father, "I'd put that right up there with playing 'throw the soccer ball at each other' in the living room." Jalen's tears and screams returned with a vengeance simply at the sight of his own swollen mug.

Jalen was transported to Urgent Care, with Mrs. Bootleg driving, as Aaron's thoughts were elsewhere. "I'd been out drinking with a friend from about 4:30 to 7:30 PM. I have no doubt that the smell of cheap beer was all over me. I completely expected the medical staff to see my son, get a whiff of my .08 musk and call C.P.S."

After falling asleep in the car, Jalen was carted up to the second floor of the medical facility by his asthmatic, exhausted, possibly inebriated father.

"J's wearing a pair of way-too-small Major League Baseball pajamas. Everything is so short and tight, he looks like a little boy Bratz doll", said his father. "And, the first thing they want us to do is wake him up…so they can weigh him?!"

Sources say attempts to weigh the half-asleep, half-dazed Jalen were hee-larious. "His dad put him down on the scale", said a nurse who asked not to be identified. "The little boy's legs came out from under him and his arms shot up into the air. The whole thing looked like bad yoga."

Jalen was believed to still be asleep when the doctor was finally able to examine him. "The doctor asked if Jalen's always so difficult to wake up", explained Jalen's father. "Normally, that boy could sleep through a sonic boom. And, now with the added bonus of a blow to the head? Awesome."

Said a source at the medical facility who requested anonymity, "The doctor had to wake Jalen up by rubbing a cold, wet washcloth across his chest. He was…less than pleased."

After angrily completing a handful medical assessments, including squeezing the doctor's fingers, remembering his age, his middle name and his parents' names, Jalen was further examined before the doctor came back with her diagnosis of a mild concussion.

Jalen was placed on the 24-hour disabled list earlier today. However, if his early morning activity and energy level is any indication, he'll be placed back on the active roster by lunch time.

TBG Eats: Burger King® French Toast Flavored Snacks

Current Weight: 169.2 lbs.

When I was 13 years old, I weighed 180 lbs. and somehow managed to cram my 38-inch waist into either a pair of nut-hugging shorts or Sears Toughskins jeans every morning before school.

And, I can't remember ever leaving my house without cramming some sort of breakfast in my mouth.

Y'see, back in the 1980s, we were told that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. In hindsight, it's hard to believe that a generation of American children took nutritional advice from a talking tumor and its Vaudeville soft-shoe act.

Eventually, though, everyone outgrows breakfast. Those idyllic AM scenes around the family dining room can't hold a candle to staggering home after an evening of drinking – take-out chorizo burrito in hand – and sleeping in until your 1:00 PM freshman psych class begins.

This hasn't stopped the fast food industry from aggressively marketing their "grown-up" breakfast menus to the very same collection of '80s kids – who now have mortgages, car payments and kids of their own. From the Double Croissanwich to the Anglo-Mexican meal, America wants YOU to resume early morning eatin'.

Following the lead of nationally-known restaurant chains like T.G.I. Friday's, our friends at Burger King have entered the cross-branded snack foods arena with a new line of products designed to keep their name in your face.

Within the walls of the Unnamed Defense Contractor, our vending machines were recently stocked with Burger King's French Toast Flavored Snacks. Now, even though my idea of "breakfast" these days is a Clif Bar chased with two quarts of black coffee, I have been known to partake in the cinnamon-sweet, syrup-dunkin' goodness of fast food French toast sticks. And, now they're in mid-afternoon snack form? SOLD!






I cracked open a bag and – at the risk of overselling this – was nearly knocked on my ass by the intoxicating olfactory sledgehammer of natural maple flavor. Made from puffed corn, the texture is light but with a crazy amount of crispiness. The syrup notes are intense throughout with a surprisingly effective taste resulting from the sugary/salty components. Halfway through the bag, I started gently laying each "chip" perpendicular across my tongue, treating each one as a little reward to myself for uncovering such a fantastic find.

And, yes, I did go back and buy out every bag in the vending machine.

Eat it, peers!

Grade: 5 (out of 5) Calories: 150, Fat: 8g (per 1 oz. serving)