TBG Reviews: Transformers

As one or two of you might've heard, last month's kitchen pass from Mrs. Bootleg was a trip to New York. There was no place to go but down, so this month's pass came in the form of an evening out with the crew from my urban barbershop. Nothing spectacular, as the opening act was the Bernard Hopkins/Winky Wright non-contact fight on pay-per-view. Then, in the main event…the bootleg DVD of the new Transformers movie!

And, that's the only exclamation point of excitement you'll see the rest of the way.

If you've seen one of Michael Bay's ridiculous action movies, you've seen them all. Choppy camera angles, inexplicable editing and that slow motion thingie where the guy (robot) is shooting the enemy, while simultaneously twirling in mid-air and parallel to the floor…? Yeah, there all in there.

Shia LeBeouf plays "Sam Witwicky", the first human to make contact with the heroic Autobots. His protagonist character comes thiiiiiiiiis close to Edward Furlong's "John Connor" in Terminator 2 as the good guy I most wanted to see killed by the bad guys. Megan Fox is delicious on the eyes, but isn't the least bit convincing as the bad ass sexy biiatch.

The rest of the cast is comprised of B and C-level actors like John Tuturro, John Voight, Bernie Mac and Anthony Anderson. Especially grating is Anderson's continued 2K7 J.J. Evans routine.

Lots of things blow up, earth is threatened, a Mountain Dew vending machine transforms into a warrior and the only Autobot I ever, ever cared about dies. Combine that with the fact that the Decepticons don't really show up en masse until the third act and you're left with a two and a half hour flick that feels twice as long.

Still, the movie does seem to have fun with its absurdity. There are in-jokes aplenty for those us who spent ungodly amounts of money collecting those silly dolls in the '80s and unearthing Peter Cullen, the original voice of the animated Optimus Prime, slayed me (to coin a phrase).

If you're over 18…maybe worth a matinee.