Thursday, September 6, 2007

TBG's NFL Pickery Spectacular – Week #1

Yeah, yeah…there's been a ton of sports-related material here over the last few weeks. But, even if you abhor professional sports (commie) you'll want to make sure to stick around for the next few months. It's Season Two of my NFL prognostication confrontation with fellow former 411Mania alumnus – Movie Joe Reid!

Joe and I previously teamed up on some of the most (only) well-received features in the three-year history of my old Bootleg column. Remember when we cast "1989 New York Yankees – The Movie"? Did you make it through every episode of our Black Actress Survivor? Were you the ONE Inside Pulse writer who was livid at his inclusion in our 411-IP Draft? How 'bout that time Joe won custody of my wife?

Last year, I beat Joe by a single game. This year, I plan to barely beat him by a slightly larger margin.

New Orleans at Indianapolis

Aaron: Since Tony Dungy's God-obiography is now in its eighth printing, it's safe to assume that Jesus is officially Indy's 12th man. Fun fact: That commitment kept Christ from showing up at Notre Dame's home opener last Saturday. Well, that and traffic. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I'll be watching the post-game handshakes very closely to see if Dungy pulls Drew Brees aside and tells him that he can get rid of that giant facial mole he was born with if he just prays hard enough. The Colts "Nowhere To Go But Down" season begins with Pick: Indianapolis

Atlanta at Minnesota

Aaron: Remember when the 2005 New Orleans Saints became football vagabonds on account of some rain and wind? Overcoming adversity, they won on the road in their season opener. In other words, look for 100 soft-focus Joey Harrington interviews next week. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Remember, folks, when it comes time to address your hate mail, it was Aaron Cameron who equated Michael Vick and his electrocuted dogs with Katrina victims. Aaron Cameron. Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at St. Louis

Aaron: How do I choose between two evenly matched teams? (1) The Rams are at home. (2) The Rams have a player actually named Richie Incognito. A name like that should have "short-lived Fox drama" immediately preceding it. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I think these are two teams moving in opposite directions. The fact that the Rams swapped one white wide receiver for an even better wide receiver (Drew Bennett, the turf is yours) makes them the more attractive option. Pick: St. Louis

Denver at Buffalo

Aaron: Good luck finding your Bills on local TV, Joe. Now, like the rest of us, you'll have to wait for Stuart Scott to "booyah" your teams' highlights during the 11PM Sportscenter. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Joke's on you, Cam, I've already found a bar that shows Bills games on Sundays. I'll believe they serve decent chicken wings when I see them, but: baby steps. Pick: Denver

Kansas City at Houston

Aaron: This has the makings of one of those Week #1 wins that gets everyone's hopes up in the belief that a perennially sad sack franchise has "turned the corner". Remember this game, Texans fans. Especially when the Colts are hanging 50 on you in two weeks. Pick: Houston

Joe: I hate it when Cam picks the same upset I was going to. Pick: Houston

Miami at Washington

Aaron: It Was Written: Beginning in 1988 and every 20 years after that, a Black quarterback shall lead the Redskins to the Super Bowl. Bet early, bet often, America. Pick: Washington

Joe: After the game, there will be a town meeting about why asshole college coaches from the SEC smell like poo. Pick: Washington

New England at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: This has the makings of one of those Week #1 losses that gets everyone in a panic in the belief that a perennially winning franchise has "lost their way". Or not. Pick: New England

Joe: Here's the logic behind me picking Randy Moss for my fantasy team: either he does awesome and contributes for my team or else he crashes, burns, and hopefully takes the Patriots team down with him. That, my friends, is win-win. Pick: New England

Philadelphia at Green Bay

Aaron: Can we all agree that Brett Favre is just going to die on the field, someday? He must WANT this to be his fate, because I can't come up with any other explanation for him to keep coming back. And, how much do those "lifetime passes" from the media cost these days? Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: On the other side of the field, Donovan McNabb begins Year Nine of his career-long quest to stay healthy long enough to disappoint Philly fans in the playoffs. Pick: Green Bay

Pittsburgh at Cleveland

Aaron: I'm convinced that this is the year Ben Roethlisberger is exposed as the fraud he is, without any "motorcycles" or "appendectomies" to hide behind. Lucky for him, he can still hide behind "playing the Browns twice a year". Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: It's the "Fat Head" commercials that have made you hate Big Ben, isn't it? Personally, I think he's one illegitimate child away from being one of the best QBs in football. Pick: Pittsburgh

Tennessee at Jacksonville

Aaron: If you'll allow me TWO Black quarterback generalizations in the same week: when picking a game featuring a pair of Black QBs, always go with the team that cut their starting Black QB and replaced him with another. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: According to my priest, I have to apologize to Vince Young three dozen more times and say six rosaries for doubting him last season. But I can still scoff at the pro prospects of LenDale White! Pick: Tennessee

Chicago at San Diego

Aaron: I'm still coming down from the cloud where last year's Chargers playoff collapse took place. Take THAT, adopted hometown! In other news, funeral services for Rex Grossman are pending. Closed casket - no viewing. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Two teams I generally like but who I can't see going anywhere but down this season. And just in time for Cedric Benson and Phillip Rivers to show up on my fantasy team, too. Pick: San Diego

Detroit at Oakland

Aaron: My Raiders haven't won a season opener since 2002. They won all of two games last year, so the league rewarded them with the toughest schedule in the NFL for '07. Not since the Civil Rights Movement has so much unfair oppression been overcome. Pick: Oakland

Joe: True. And if Daunte Culpepper had been handed the reins of the Civil Rights Movement back in the '60s, well...I don't think I'm allowed to finish that sentence. Pick: Detroit

Tampa Bay at Seattle

Aaron: The Jon Gruden Burnout Countdown is in its fifth and final year. Looking forward to him filling the vacant "embittered ex-coach" chair next to Rich Eisen on The NFL Network (which Time-Warner Cable still doesn't carry). Pick: Seattle

Joe: I won't be so clichéd as to use the "Tampa Bay're on the clock" line, but the alternative is making some more Mike Holmgren Is The Walrus jokes. Pick: Seattle

N.Y. Giants at Dallas

Aaron: I think the Giants will be better than people think, while I don't know where all this "10-win" talk in Dallas is coming from. I just wanted to get that out there in case I'm right. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Kudos, Cam, on taking the high road by not gloating about how the rest of the world has caught up to your rabid Tiki Barber hate of yesteryear. I guess that means there's a glimmer of hope that public opinion on Michael Vick can still turn around. Pick: Dallas

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Aaron: Steve McNair's postseason ineptness helped me nail a three team parlay last January during Divisional Playoff Week. You just keep being you, Steve. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Blogging about your successful three team parlay eight months ago. Great to have you on Low Res, Mr. Simmons! Pick: Cincinnati

Arizona at San Francisco

Aaron: There was article in SI last month where Matt Leinart's posse was repeatedly called "an entourage" and his out-of-wedlock son was all but glossed over. Finally! I wish I knew what it took to get a reporter to NOT use an athlete's personal life to further his/her own moral and sociopolitical preaching. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: So you're saying we should stop calling Travis Henry's nine kids a "posse"? Pick: Arizona


Anonymous said...

How the fuck did I not know about Black Actress Survivor before this very moment??? I was having seizures trying to hold in the funny. How did you guys find some of those names? Is there a Black Actress Google engine that I don't know about either?

John Clayton aka "the Undead" said...


Aaron at Joe:

A Bills fan and a Raiders fan prognosticating on NFL's week 1. Neither knows what the fuck they're talking about. What's not to like about blind allegiance to the worst managed sports franchise and the biggest choke artists/sorry excuse for a football city this side of Jacksonville.

I'll go with Joe, thank you.

On an unrelated note; Check ESPN kids because I think Sunday Countdown's 72 hour show is already starting.

Just imagine if you had the NFL record for rushing touchdowns and the all-time rushing yardage record and it took WINNING A STAGED DANCE COMPETITION to get back on ESPN. How can someone who was this good be a total fucking loser? You've entered the Emmit Zone. Good thing he got a job or he'd have to start selling those 200 footballs he kept on eBay.

I miss the Playmaker already.

that mexican guy said...

Cam can tell you that I printed out the black actress survivor thing and have had it up on my white board ever since. It's been worth every uncomfortable look from the young, beautiful people who make up most of the fifth floor at the "unnamed defense contractor" that me and Aaron work for.

sanchez said...

At the risk of sounding like i'm blowing smoke up both your asses, this was the funniest thing i've read on this blog since your "Raiders Hire WWF's Ultimate Warrior as Head Coach" post from last year.

That Bootleg Guy said...

John really need to be more specific. Oakland/Buffalo..."choke artists", "sorry excuse for a football town", "worst managed team in sports".

Seriously, who's who?

mathan said...

I think that the two of you should go on some sort of day time Judge (fill in the blank) to determine who gets to post this thing, because both you posting it really isn't working for me.

Perhaps you could post the predictions for all of the teams with offensive or animal mascotts who have home games and Joe could do the home games for the people or profession mascotts? Or maybe Joe handles the teams with symmetrical logos and you take the others.

I don't know, but something needs to be done. I talked it over the other three guys who frequent both blogs and we're considering taking action if you guys don't.

That Bootleg Guy said...

Quiet, Mathan...

Joe doesn't know anything about this "simulcast", if you will. And, in related news, I've decided that this blog will become your one-stop shop for *everything* Oscar's next year!

(Just as soon as Joe posts everything Oscar's on his blog.)

Joe said...

In response to your email, Aaron, no I don't think we should just quietly jettison this feature simply because I went 14-2 to your "pathetic" (your words) 10-6 this week. I think we owe it to the "little SOBs" (your words) who read and enjoy our respective blogs to see it through. Your cowardice shames you, sir.

that mexican guy said...

Joe's above comment isn't true, is it, Cam?

Is it?

That Bootleg Guy said...

Pfft. I was about a zillion games behind Joe after Week #1 last year and, with the grit and determination and hustle usually associated with undersized white athletes, I managed to pull things together and win our pick 'em challenge.

He'll kneel before Zod, again.