Saturday, December 16, 2006

Blonde Ambition, Biiatch

I think it's safe to say that I'm the only African-American in his early 30s who still reads XXL Magazine. For those of you who don't know, XXL is basically the rap Rolling Stone except it's printed on real paper, instead of old Circuit City Sunday ads.

In the latest issue, there's an interview with pop singer Brooke Hogan, the daughter of ancient fake wrester Hulk Hogan, and it might be the single funniest read in the history of sh*tty literature.

"Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings cut n' paste published material in this state, so we'll have to be quiet."

XXL: You have the distinction of having a dad who's mentioned in rap lyrics.
Brooke: Really? Was it a Ludacris song or something?

XXL: No. The Roots' "Lesson Pt. 1"…Your thoughts?
Brooke: It's awesome. I think Ludacris said something like, "Hogan knows best". It's very flattering that the hip-hop community is a fan of my father and uses his name in lyrics. It's really cool!

XXL: What do they see in him?
Brooke: I think they see an icon and the legend they looked up to when they were little. It doesn't matter if you're in the urban community or not…everybody loves Hulk Hogan. I think, like, he's their mentor.

XXL: Plus, rappers bow down to a white guy who can kick their ass.
Brooke: Yeah.

XXL: Is Pops into rap?
Brooke: He is. His ringtone's "Big Poppa". He really knows his stuff. He knows the words to Game's new single.

XXL: What's the first rap record you bought?
Brooke: Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits.

XXL: That's not hip-hop.
Brooke: I listen to old school stuff.

XXL: Cool, but he's not hip-hop.
Brooke: But, he's urban, and I look up to the old classical, original stuff.

XXL: Who do you like now?
Brooke: I am a big Ludacris fan. I'm blanking on names. Oh! 50 Cent. (Sings) "If you were my best friend…" But, I'm mostly a Ludacris fan.

XXL: Any plans to rap?
Brooke: I'm gonna stick to singing. I think if I went into rapping, it would kind of insult people. Like I said, I'm so into the urban thing. I know I'm white and that I can't rap, but I do know that I can sing in an urban style.

Wow. Seriously, I would've posted this sooner, but Mathan Erhardt's head exploded when he read this and we've been scrubbing skull n' brain matter off the walls for weeks.

Now, I'm not sure what my favorite part of this interview is. Brooke's obvious oblivious blonde act makes me wonder what happens to these women when they reach 100. I mean, we all know what they look like at 90…but, still.

Then, there's the use of the word "urban". Is it officially the new "n-word" or is it just the newest Black adjective, like "ghetto", "angry" or "absentee"?

Obviously, XXL's intent was to make Brooke look as bad as possible (she's pictured wearing some of those platinum dentures favored by those sonically illiterate down South rappers). But, XXL just supplied the shovel…Brooke did the digging.