Thursday, August 2, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Internet Slows Employee Productivity!

As part of what's being called an "internet security upgrade", my current employer has finally decided to block employee access to several popular websites. This information was disseminated in a company-wide email earlier today and, without a hint of hyperbole, the impact of this action will be akin to Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Krypton.


The best part is that our corporate overlords have not seen fit to tell us what sites are now officially forbidden. Fortunately, my co-workers and I have been spending a good part (all) of our day visiting the most popular URLs and reacting in alternating fits of glee and rage at finding them available or blocked.

Here are the top five sites that are now inaccessible, along with their impact on me:

MySpace - Umm…yeah, here's the thing. I'm in my 30s. I don't own a cell phone with a camera (another job-mandated edict). And, I hate everything about this site. Point #1 disqualifies me immediately, while points #2 n' #3 would keep me out even if I was 18 with an inexplicable need to type liKe tHIs.

All Streaming Audio & Video - XM Radio Online is no more. Ditto YouTube. Both losses sting a little, but I use both more at home than at work. My Oakland A's are also affected, though, as I ponied up the $15 for the "MLB Audio" package for the sole purpose of listening to day games while still on the clock. This would hurt more if my team was…y'know…good.

All Fantasy Football Sites - How in the hell did IT pull this off? I don't suppose it's possible that every relevant fantasy site is down today, is it? Simultaneously? Oh, this one sucks, my friends. Two years ago, a few co-workers and I commandeered a conference room on a Sunday morning to hold our, er…their draft. Easily the most productive I've ever been at this place and they take it away from me us them.

Inside Pulse: Nexus - I can access all of my favorite IP zones, except Nexus. Is "Nexus" some sort of taboo keyword out in the URL world? And, are we talking, like, "porn taboo" or something? If so, let me know. And, send links.

eBay - NO! Well, then again, I've been known to send electronic reminders to myself through Microsoft Outlook set for five minutes prior to an auction's end. But, it's not like I'd open eBay and hit refresh 50 times, just to vulture a bid in the last six seconds. In actuality, I was always too paranoid to cut it that close. ("What if I make a mistake?") I usually left about 15-20 seconds after placing a bid. The whole thing took the same amount of time as walking down the hall to fill my coffee cup. And, it's kind of a long hallway.

I'll tell you this, though…if they start prohibiting non-handicapped employees from enjoying the double-wide comfort and omnipresent newspaper of the handicapped bathroom stalls, I'm quitting.


sean in accounting said...

New additions to the work list, Cam: and

This is like pulling victim out of the wreckage. The body count can only rise.

castro said... is now blocked at work, too. How will I ever go on?

Mathan said...

The Nexus is really going to miss your hits. And believe me, we need them.

Pacman Jones said...

You'd better hope "bootleg" isn't a keyword on the blacklist.

It'll kill your 4 hits a day.

Anonymous said...

In a last ditch effort to find tickets to the Padres-Giants game this weekend I've discovered that Stub Hub is now on the "black list" of sites here at "Anonymous Defense Contractor".

Maybe they're trying to save me from myself...

Tom said...

My acquired company just got smacked down with parent corporations Internet policy this week, too.

We lost fantasy, streaming, myspace, and youtube.... but amazon and ebay are all ok.

And, actually, it's probably the word "comic" that is being blocked. You might be ok if you go to instead of