2014 NFL Pickery -- Super Bowl XLVIII

Seattle v. Denver (-2.5)


Joe: Big one. Not a prediction to be taken lightly. This goes beyond Seattle's league-best defense versus Denver's league-best offense. This goes beyond Peyton Manning vs. Richard Sherman, Marshawn Lynch vs. the media, or Eric Decker vs. Shirts (BOOOOOOOO, Shirts!). There are so many categories that need to be investigated:


Best Real World Season: This one's easy. Seattle was either the best or maaaaaybe the second-best season of the entire series. Denver may well have been the worst. Advantage: Seahawks


Best Wrestler: The Rocky Mountains of Denver are represented by Vader. Seattle gets Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Vader was a monster WCW champ back in the day, while Valentine had to dye his hair black and join a tag team with the Honky Tonk Man AND his finisher was the figure-four leg lock in an era when Ric Flair owned that move. Advantage: Broncos


Best Movie: Movies set in Seattle include Singles, The Ring, My Own Private Idaho, and The Fabulous Baker Boys. Denver is stuck with Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead and half of About Schmidt. Advantage: Seahawks


Well, that makes it easier, doesn't it?


Prediction: Seattle 29, Denver 21


Aaron: JOE TOOK ALL THE GOOD COMPS. That means I either have to scrape the bottom of the pop culture comparison barrel or offer up well-informed insight and analysis on football -- a sport I played at the Pop Warner level for one ill-fated season in 1985, before a fake injury sidelined me after one game.


Best TV Series: Mork & Mindy was actually set in Boulder, Colorado, not Denver. South Park isn't in Denver, either, so that leaves us either with the Disney Channel's kid-friendly Good Luck, Charlie and...Dynasty! What Seattle got? Frasier? Oh, no. No, no, no. Dynasty had that theme music! Krystal and Alexis! And, when Diahann Carroll joined the cast, my mom about lost her mind. ("Julia's back! They put Julia back on TV!") This one ain't close, kids. Advantage: Broncos


Best Brands: Remember this link from everyone's Facebook pages and Twitter retweets last summer? It makes for a conveniently decisive second fall here. Coors vs. Starbucks?  Big-brand "banquet" beer vs. commercialized coffee? Sorry, but only one of these beverages got me through the first few months of fatherhood, back when Jalen wasn't sleeping through the night and the stress of his delicate medical condition weighed heavily on my mind. No, it's was Starbucks. Advantage: Seahawks


Best G.I. Joe Character: Lifeline (real name: Edwin J. Steen) debuted in 1986 during the "Serpentor" season of the animated television series. The Seattle native most famously helped Roadblock regain his sight in 1987's excellent (and underappreciated) G.I. Joe movie.  Hawk (real name: Clayton M. Abernathy) also debuted during the "Arise, Serpentor..." miniseries. Born in Denver, he followed Duke and Flint as the on-air leader of the Joes. He wasn't as two-dimensional as Duke and nowhere near as douchey as Flint, but he IS the commander who -- in the cartoon storyline -- recruited Sgt. Slaughter to whip the Joes into fighting shape. Oof, those Sgt. Slaughter episodes.  Advantage: Seahawks


Prediction: Seattle 30, Denver 28

2014 NFL Pickery -- AFC/NFC Championship, Chicken & Waffles

Last Week, Straight Up: Joe (3-1); Aaron (2-2)

Last Week, vs. Spread: Joe (2-2); Aaron (2-2)

Total, Straight Up: Joe (6-2); Aaron (3-5)

Total, vs. Spread: Joe (3-4-1); Aaron (4-4)

New England at Denver (-5)

Joe: There's no better time for New England to get beat than when their fans have worked themselves up into a lather of Manning-based overconfidence. It would be tempting to suspect that the universe would be looking to correct their misapprehensions. But things don't seem to be working out that way this year. There were good reasons to think the Red Sox would lose all the way up until they won the World Series. Am I really going to walk through that same hell-gauntlet with the Patriots? Somehow the team that has decided to place its entire postseason hopes on the unnaturally stocky shoulders of LaGarrette Blount is bound to succeed and leave me with two weeks of "Greatest Team of All Time or GREATEST Team of All Time" articles. Because there is no God, and nature is a hostile beast.

Pick: New England 31, Denver 21

Aaron: Look...MY Super Bowl was last week. The Broncos wholly satisfying obliteration of (sigh) "Bolt Nation" saved us all from a Chargers vs. Patriots AFC Championship game in which there would be NO WINNERS. Like, tic-tac-toe or WarGames (the 1983 movie, not the NWA/WCW innovation) or voting libertarian. The Chargers played surprisingly conservative on offense against the Broncos. A mistake that Mumbling Bill Belichick is unlikely to repeat. Equally unlikely? That Broncos head coach John Fox will outcoach anyone. That means Denver will have to win on talent alone. Now that Peyton Manning's "legacy" appears to be on the line every week now, I'll predict guess that he leads his team to a last second win with a perfectly-placed lollipop pass to the back of the end zone and into the arms of, oh, let's say...Moe.

Pick: Denver 34, New England 33

San Francisco at Seattle (-3.5)

Joe: So long as the universe is being hostile to me personally, they might as well throw Jim Harbaugh and WWE-level diva routine along with everything else. The man is the Jimmy Hart of the NFL, hopping around on the sidelines like he does. Get him a fleur-de-lis jacket and throw Canadian Earthquake on the offensive line and call it a day. ANYWAY, this hostile-universe theory hits a bit of a skid here, because it's not like Pete Carroll is in any way supportable either. He's not as demonstrably objectionable, he's just kind of a wiener. A wiener with a strong home-field advantage.

Pick: Seattle 24, San Francisco 20

Aaron: I've doggedly picked against the 49ers all postseason, so I suppose I should ride this wave all the way to shore. (Apologies...it's been 80 degrees every day since early December here in San Diego. Consequently, the state of California is under extreme drought conditions relating to both precipitation AND appropriate metaphors.)  I do enjoy 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick's burgeoning dickish-ness, on-field taunts and condescending interviews.  I can do without the media's acceptable Negro positioning of Seattle QB Russell Wilson -- articulate! prepared! classy! But, I don't expect either quarterback to figure in the decision here. These two teams are similar enough to play out the whole "irresistible force vs. immovable object" dynamic that usually produces great drama in the buildup and a boring stink bomb when the game plays out. Or, have we ALL forgotten the events in Pontiac, Michigan -- 1987? This will be a low-scoring, ugly affair that the NFL will retroactively describe as a defensive masterpiece in future season yearbook DVD releases.

Pick: Seattle 15, San Francisco 12

2014 NFL Pickery -- Divisional DEVASTATION

Last Week, Straight Up: Joe (3-1); Aaron (1-3)

Last Week, vs. Spread: Joe (1-2-1); Aaron (2-2)

New Orleans at Seattle (-7.5)

Aaron: Back in the 1980s, the 'Hawks knew their place. Sure, they looked impressive at times. They even put together a few runs that had fans thinking they were destined for long championship reigns. (For reals, yo. That 12-win 1984 team was REALLY good.) By the early 1990s, however, the 'Hawks were Mirer'd in mediocrity. Eh? Eh?!  Chronologically speaking, their path -- and the accompanying narrative -- was almost identical to another Hawk...at least to a certain point.

But, now, most of the sentient life in our solar system believes that the Seahawks are the best team in the league.  After a 34-7 nationally-televised shellacking in Seattle back in early December, the Saints surely think the same.  Have we all lazily accepted a world where this guy can be trusted with the keys to K.I.T.T.?  (I have no other frame of reference when it comes to flashy car metaphors.)  Like every episode of Knight Rider, I've built up the drama only to have the car save the day in the last scene sentence.  Boy, I lost control of that metaphor in, like, record time.

Pick: Seattle 20, New Orleans 17

Joe: Everything seems to be going against New Orleans here today, huh? The Saints are super shaky on the road. The Seahawks are nigh on unbeatable at home. The Seattle season of The Real World was better than either New Orleans season of The Real World. Certainly, that 34-7 game didn't give much of an impression that things could have gone either way. And yet, I went with the reverse psychology pick on the Saints last week and it paid off for me. Nothing is more important than Bill Simmons telling you that nobody believes in you. 

Pick: New Orleans 27, Seattle 23 

Indianapolis at New England (-7)

Aaron: Oh, hey, "NFL team that Aaron DIDN'T pick makes an unbelievable comeback and upends the team that Aaron DID pick"!  I missed the usual 18-20 times we'd see each other during the regular season!  I still don't quite understand why the Kansas City Chiefs felt the need to reload multiple times while they shot themselves in the foot in their loss to the Colts.  For no other reason than it's been a quarter-century since that bit was even funny.  Regardless of HOW we got here...we're here.  It's "Colts v. Patriots LXXVIII" or some sh*t.

The window for this Patriots team is clearly closing. The myth that QB Tom Brady can turn any anonymous receiver into amazeballs has been permanently punctured.  The New England defense -- for years, the most underrated component of those great Patriots teams -- was a veritable revolving door for opposing offenses this season.  Colts QB Andrew Luck has the media-created "momentum" storyline (and hundreds of awful surname-inspired puns) on his side, but he's also been wildly inconsistent this season.  Are YOU ready to trust a second-year QB on the road against someone other than Andy Reid? Me, neither.

Pick: New England 27, Indianapolis 17

Joe: The reason you know I'm a total New York City sellout is that I will likely be attending a Broadway show during the bulk of this game. The plan is to check the score upon my exit, and if the Colts still have a prayer, I'll shuffle my way down to an insufferable midtown bar and catch the end. Clearly, this is the game I have the most intense rooting interest in, rabid Pats-hater that I am. I would like to think that the Colts are the team they don't want to face. Finally a quarterback who can make them pay for the way they tend to take huge chunks of games off only to pull things out in the end. But the Colts have been just as inconsistent all season, and I feel like this season's New England team has existed to bum me out all season. My heart says Colts, my head says Pats. Split the difference, I guess.

Pick: New England 30, Indianapolis 24

San Francisco (-1.5) at Carolina

Aaron: In a season of REDEMPTION (emphasis: everyone's) for Panthers QB Cam Newton, Carolina is a home underdog?!  Against a 49ers team they beat in San Francisco earlier this season?! How many exclamation point/question mark combinations do I have to use to convey my incredulity?!  Last week, I'm not sure if I overestimated the Packers or underestimated the 49ers or if the elements in Green Bay conspired to turn the outcome into a coin flip.  So...this week's match-up should be clearer...?  I have no idea.  With my 9-year-old son's piggy bank, would I bet on that Panthers' defense and Cam Newton's continued maturation OR the 49ers Kaepernick-to-Crabtree connection and head coach Jim Harbaugh's super-villain, self-styled genius?  I DON'T KNOW.  God, this is hard. 

Pick: Carolina 17, San Francisco 14

Joe: In a just and perfect world, Colin Kaepernick's show-offy sleevelessness in the frigid temperatures of Green Bay last week would have resulted in a frostbite situation and he wouldn't be able to play in this game. In a different just and perfect world, there would be no one left in Charlotte to attend this game because all the Southerners would have fainted dead away from experiencing the polar vortex this week. I certainly want the Panthers to win, and they're definitely the hot hand when it comes to the NFC. But the hot hand is almost always the team to fall in the playoffs these days, and I'm sure I'll have to put up with awful Jim Harbaugh one more week. 

Pick: San Francisco 20, Carolina 17

San Diego at Denver (-9.5) 

Aaron: Last Sunday, one of the families from my son's travel ball team hosted a playoff party for the Chargers v. Bengals tilt.  As an avowed Charger-hater, I sat in pouty, stony silence for three hours as a room full of bolted-up rubes hooted and hollered with every Cincinnati pratfall.  It wasn't all excruciating for me, though.  One of the moms lined a muffin pan with bacon, filled the inside with scramby eggs and baked it to a brunch-y perfection.  Another family brought homemade lumpia.  Seriously, you guys, if you don't know any Filipinos you're missing out. 

OK...this game. This might be the most inexplicable spread since last week's Chargers playoff game.  I'm telling you...the Chargers are kind of good.  I dunno if they'll win outright, but if they're 10-point dogs to anyone right now, Las Vegas is telling you to TAKE their money.  I hate the "something to prove" storyline, but has anyone with Peyton Manning's pedigree ever engendered less confidence in a home playoff game?  This is not going to end well for any of us.  Mostly me.

Pick: San Diego 33, Denver 28

Joe:  The point spread does seem a little insane, but does it concern anybody that this Peyton Manning Can't Play In January narrative is being pushed by a Boston-dominated media with a historical axe to grind from the old Pats-Colts days? No one? The Broncos have spent a lot of the second half of this season looking shaky just long enough for people to notice, then turning any number of receivers named "Thomas" loose and pulling away. I don't like how often I'm splitting the difference on these picks, so even though Denver-by-7 seems like the most intelligent pick, I'm betting the Chargers' luck runs out in a big way.

Pick: Denver 38, San Diego 24

2014 NFL Pickery -- Wildcard Weekend

Well, hello! One of the more unfortunate casualties of my extended absence from this lightly-read blog -- due to reasons that were best explained here * -- was the interruption of TBG's second longest annual tradition**.  Since 2007, I've waged prognosticatory WAR over professional football games with my great friend, Joe Reid.

From 2006-2008, I ruled over our football game-picking kingdom with a benevolence not seen since the 1988 reign of King Haku.  But, in 2009, after finishing in second place for three straight years, Joe led a successful coup d'état -- a runner-uprising, if you will -- that abruptly ended the enlightened era.  For the past four years, the kingdom has been analogously ruled by this guy.

* -- Sorry. As you know, Will Ferrell's six-month contract to appear EVERYWHERE doesn't expire until January 31, 2014.

** -- The longest tradition? Ask my intestine!

I kid, of course. I've known Joe since our days writing weekly columns together more than 10 years ago over at 411mania.com.  He was one of the inspirations for the creation of this blog and he just so happens to be an incredible writer in his own, uh, right.  His Twitter feed can be found here and his work can be found -- inhale -- here, here, here and here.  He's a sweetheart of a guy and I love that bearded, Buffalonian lug.

As always, these picks are for entertainment purposes and tired references from The Simpsons ONLY.

Kansas City at Indianapolis (-2.5)

Joe: I really like this Kansas City team, but it's hard not to look at them as a beneficiary of a favorable schedule. Six of their eleven victories came against the five worst teams in the league, by record. They went 1-5 against teams that made the playoffs, and that win came against the Eagles before they rid themselves of the scourge of Michael Vick. The only teams they've beaten since the beginning of November were the Bills, Redskins, and Raiders (and the Bills really should have won that game, HONEST).

The Colts have only beaten the Texans, Titans, Jaguars, and one other team since the beginning of November, too, but that one other team was the Chiefs, in Kansas City, by 16 points. The Colts have been such a weird team all season. Wins over the 49ers, Seahawks, and Broncos. Blowout losses to the Cardinals and Rams (at home). Ultimately, I fall back on that 23-7 win, just two weeks ago. If the Colts could pull that off on the road? The Chiefs have to hope Jamaal Charles goes off, but it doesn't seem like teams ride hot running backs through the playoffs anymore.

Pick: Colts 31, Chiefs 24

Aaron: The hell is with all the statistical justification, Joe-worski?  All serious and sh*t.  A-a-a-nyway...I've spent the past four months trashing the Chiefs and the entry-level skill set of quarterback Alex Smith.  His entire reputation is built on two things: a one-game statistical aberration against the Saints in that 49ers playoff game a few seasons ago AND any time current 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick struggles.  Alex Smith is not a good quarterback.  He's just not.  Why is that so hard for you to understand, America?

That Chiefs defense IS good, though. (Swerve!) The inconsistency of the Colts is underscored by the media's oddly insatiable desire to shield QB Andrew Luck from any criticism.  I mean, if we're talking about games our favorite teams should've won, the execrable Raiders had the Colts on the ropes.  But, since boxing went extinct 15 years ago, I don't know how to finish that metaphor. The Raiders lost via...Technicolor...knock...boots? TKOB, right?  Whatever.  All I know is that Chiefs coach Andy Reid is contractually obligated to raise the hopes of his fan base before his inevitable heel turn.

Pick: Chiefs 23, Colts 7

New Orleans at Philadelphia (-2.5)

Joe: I would like nothing more than to disprove the increasingly strident Cold Weather Quarterbacks theory this year. But things really seem to be stacked against them here. They've looked decidedly ordinary in the last several weeks, while the Eagles really did seem to pull things together under Nick Foles, of all people. Honestly, there's a better-than-average chance that I'm overrating Philly because of how fun it was to watch that snow game against the Lions a few weeks ago. I'm okay with it.

That said, if Bill Simmons has taught us anything, it's that the most important factor in a football game is reverse psychology. Nothing helps linebackers make tackles and receivers not drop passes better than the relative lack of faith of observers (and more importantly, the gambling community). So if everything is stacking up against the Saints, what better time to pick them?

Pick: Saints 28, Eagles 27

Aaron: Hee! Oh, how I missed our mutual Bill Simmons bashing! Meanwhile, I'd like to respond to Joe's mentioning of the "Cold Weather Quarterbacks" theory with a theory of my own.  I call it the "New Orleans Saints abject lack of a power running game" theory.  In what's expected to be rather nippy conditions (It's going to be 72 degrees here in San Diego this weekend...am I using "nippy" appropriately?  I really have no frame of reference here.) I half-expect Saints RB Mark Ingram to keel over at halftime with his stomach lightsabered open for warmth, Taun-Taun-style.

Like the rest of you, I rooted for this Eagles team to enjoy more success with the wholesome Michael Vick, but the nondescript Nick Foles just MIGHT be an NFL quarterback.  I mean, he IS an NFL quarterback...but, I'm using that with emphasis.  You know...emphasis. In the same way that Eagles WR Riley Cooper is a racist. Same thing.

Pick: Eagles 24, Saints 14

San Diego at Cincinnati (-7)

Joe: This seems rather too easy, doesn't it? The Bengals have actually looked very good at several points this season. The Chargers managed to back into the playoffs in one of the least spectacular ways I can remember. Perhaps my biggest regret of 2013 was not being able to experience the highs and lows of this Chargers season with you, Aaron? At what point would the gloating over a lost season have turned to stark terror at the thought they might actually make the playoffs?

Pick: Bengals 30, Chargers 20

Aaron: True story. Hand to God. Before the season started, I told co-workers that the Chargers had as good a chance at the sixth playoff seed as any team due to the overall mediocrity of the AFC.  Chargers fans did NOT believe in this team in September, but a Raiders fan did?!  Of course, I enjoyed San Diego's traditional last-second losses throughout the season and wept when they beat the Chiefs in their regular-season finale -- thanks to the fact that Kansas City played their second and third-string AND an egregious missed penalty call that should've given the Chiefs a second-chance at a late missed field goal. 

But, hey, the locals are happy.  I haven't seen this many Shawne Merriman jerseys hauled out of mothballs in years.  And, they're going to be around for another week.  Shhh...this Chargers team isn't awful.  I'm picking with my head, instead of my heart here.

Pick: Chargers 27, Bengals 13

San Francisco (-3) at Green Bay

Joe: Once again, reverse psychology is the only factor that matters, and the Packers are the beneficiary of a lot of it. Probably too much. With an 8-7-1 record, going up against the 12-4 Niners, the Packers are quite the attractive pick for anybody who types "NOBODY BELIEVES IN US" in all caps like that. Of course ... everybody believes in "us" if "us" is Aaron Rodgers and "us" is the Packers at Lambeau in January. Yes, Green Bay has finally gotten the band back together at the right time, and if anybody going to pull off a run like the Ravens did last year, it would be them. I'd probably take them against the Saints or the Eagles this week. But these Niners really don't seem to have a whole lot of trouble with these Packers. Green Bay had Rodgers and Randall Cobb healthy back in week  1 when San Francisco handled them then too.

Pick: 49ers 34, Packers 28

Aaron: Who missed my wistful fantasy football musings this season? Well, let's catch up! I'd like to thank 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick for single-armedly torpedoing my team in one fantasy league and ruining what should've been a 12 or 13-win season in another.  Oh, don't roll your eyes at me.  I finished with nine wins IN SPITE of him.  Here's what we know...(1) Packers QB Aaron Rodgers can play football good.  (2) The 49ers were being called a disappointment and fans were wishing Alex Smith was still around roughly six weeks ago.  (3) ESPN has already devoted 72 hours of air time to the "why is a 12-4 team on the road against an 8-7-1 team" contrived debate next week.  Seriously...it's actually in my cable guide.

Pick: Packers 28, 49ers 10

TBG Eats: Coolhaus Ice Cream Sandwiches

Current Weight: 175.0 lbs.

Me?!  I think a BETTER question is where the hell have YOU been? 

It's only been two, three, four, five, six months since my last post.  OK, six-and-a-HALF months.  But, I have a good excuse!  It's a LONG story.  Longer than the time I almost died.  Longer than one of my travel diaries.  It would make for a GREAT multi-part blog post, which is to say...that's all I can say. 

BUT...!  The deleted scenes/lost chapters would've included: 

...an especially awful bout of food poisoning from a certain fast food restaurant's "two tacos for 99 cents".  Hard to believe my stomach -- forged from steel --  couldn't handled obscenely greasy gray mystery meat that's asphyxiated with processed American cheese and last week's wilted lettuce.  Consequently, for several months, I lost my one remaining mutant superpower: my affinity for ANY fast food.  Oh, maybe I'm being overly dramatic.  Here's some toned-down imagery of the feeling. 

...oral surgery!  Last December, I underwent a two-hour grafting procedure along my gum line.  The day before, I met with my dentist -- an Indian woman who I've been seeing for almost 15 years.  As she cautioned me about the short-term limitations I'd endure immediately after the surgery, she dropped this bit of inadvertent, heavily-accented awesome: 

"And, you won't be able to eat meat on the bone for a few months. You know, like...what it is you people eat?  Ribs? You won't be able to eat that." 

During the procedure, the local anesthetic wore off about halfway through.  As my dentist explained: 

"We will give you another dose, but we can't stop the procedure.  We've already exposed the cadaver tissue.  I'm sorry, but you're going to be very uncomfortable for a few minutes." 

 

 

HOW uncomfortable?  Take your gum line and physically tear it away from your teeth.  That's not a hypothetical, kids.  I couldn't eat solid food for almost six weeks and my weight dropped from 175 lbs. on December 5th (the day of the surgery) to 151 lbs. in mid-January.  On the plus side, only HALF of my face turned into a grotesque mess!  Look...I'm not saying I agree with the insane, homicidal tendencies of Two-Face. But, now I understand how super-villains get their start. 

...Little League baseball!  My last TBG post was a recap of the start of my 9(!)-year-old son's spring season.  Believe it or not, our team made it to the championship game, but fell two runs and one inning short from winning it all.  It was the most fun I've ever had coaching one of Jalen's teams. 

 

 

 

Ooh, before I forget, J would like you ALL to know that, as a hitter, he led our team in walks AND as a pitcher, he was tied for the team lead in wins.  Trust me...he kept track.  Meticulously.  He even made the postseason 10U All Stars.  However, J's stubborn refusal to bend the brim of his baseball caps legitimately undermines ALL of his accomplishments. 

Unfortunately, Jalen's all-star run coincided with my favorite TBG time of the year: the San Diego Fair.  For four straight weeks; J's team was either practicing, scrimmaging or playing a game.  And, for four straight weeks; I was missing out on deep-fried cookie dough, Krispy Kreme sloppy joes and waffle dogs.  (Welcome, new readers!  Yes, I used "and" instead of "or" two sentences ago.  Y'see...the food at the San Diego Fair is kind of a big deal around this lightly-read blog.  Get caught up!  We'll wait!) 

A-a-a-and, that about covers the past 200 days or so. 

Up until two weeks ago!  M'man Coach Andy called for one of our infrequent youth baseball gossip sessions. But, before we could begin sharing our scouting reports on up-and-coming eight-year-olds or commence with yet another mock draft of best-looking mothers in our Little League ("Why do you ALWAYS select your wife in the first round, Aaron?", Andy sometimes often ALWAYS taunts.) my mind was about to be blown: 

"Have you seen the new ice cream sandwiches at Baron's?  Chocolate chip cookies with candied bacon ice cream. They are..." 

I don't remember much of our conversation after Andy strung together "candied" and "bacon" and "ice cream", consecutively.  I do remember his comment left under a picture I posted to my Facebook page of the actual ice cream sandwich: 

"That didn't take long." 

The ice cream sandwiches are from Coolhaus -- an outfit that began as a gourmet food truck nearly five years ago in Los Angeles.  Today, they have nearly a dozen trucks dotting LA, New York City, Austin and Miami, along with storefronts in Pasadena and Culver City.  They've recently introduced a pre-packaged line of their signature high-end ice cream sandwiches nationwide. 

Let's see if I still remember how to write these.

 

 

 

Chocolate Chip Cookie with Brown Butter Candied Bacon Ice Cream -- The candied bacon component ensured that this would be my first Coolhaus choice.  As obnoxiously ubiquitous as bacon has become, it doesn't get nearly enough love for its versatility in desserts.  Surprisingly, though, it's the cookie that's the best thing here.  Brown sugar is one of my favorite flavors -- whether we're talking gastronomic or marital(!) -- and the cookie carries a sweet, but tempered richness.  The soft and chewy texture is markedly better than your typical convenience store cookie sandwich, as well.  The ice cream is solid and it's a damn fine accompaniment with the cookies, but the "perfect bite" of sweet and savory, brown sugar and bacon only occurred in every third our fourth chomp.  The candied bacon was good enough to stand on its own and I found myself wishing there was more of it here.  Grade: 4 (out of 5)

 

 

 

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie with Baked Apple Pie Ice Cream -- In the interest of full disclosure, I should come clean and admit that oatmeal cookies are my favorite cookies in the whole wide world.  Similarly, whenever I'm out to eat, my go-to dessert is pretty much anything with warm apples.  (Longtime readers know Mrs. Bootleg prefers crème brûlée or tiramisu.  No, I don't know why she hates America.)  Anywho...this was pretty much magnificent in every way.  The mouthfeel of the chewy, brown sugar/buttery oats belied its previous residency in a commercial freezer.  Paired with the not-too-tart, not-too-sweet apples from the cinnamon-dusted ice cream, this one hit all of Aaron's taste targets.  500 out of 5? Oh, I'mma 'bout to go there...   Grade: 500

 

 

 

Vegan Ginger Molasses Cookie with Mango Saffron Sorbet -- Prepare your "shocked n' amazed" faces, people.  This one's an acquired taste.  My wife would have NONE of this tomfoolery with her taste buds.  Here's a 10-second reenactment of her 10-minute reaction after taking one -- and only one -- bite.  Separately, these aren't my favorite flavors, but together...they kinda-sorta work.  The spiciness of the cookie is cut way back by the sorbet.  The taste of mango is strong, but the ginger and molasses linger at the back end of each bite.  The end result is akin to a palate cleanser with a bit of a kick.   Grade: 2.5

 

 

 

Snickerdoodle Cookie with Salted Caramel Ice Cream -- For the entirety of his young life, my son would only eat chocolate chip cookies.  WITHOUT walnuts.  Weirdo.  If we're including store-bought, he'd ignore Oreos, Newtons and Nutter Butters in favor of Chips Ahoy, Chips Deluxe and Famous Amos.  Recently, however, he's been seen dating cookies outside his taste.  Snickerdoodles are his current infatuation and the Coolhaus version is soo-POIB.  The cinnamon/sugar balance is perfect and the granules are a subtly outstanding textural contrast with the ice cream.  However, I wish the ice cream's saltier notes carried over.  The deep caramel flavor and sweetness from the cookies could've used a few salty swipes, but I suppose I'm picking nits.  My son obliterated the half I gave him.  I think Coolhaus has comfortably captured the pre-adolescent African-American market.  Grade: 4.5 

My friend Smitty -- who lives near Pasadena -- has told me wonderful tales of Coolhaus' Maker's Mark-flavored "Manhattan" ice cream.  The Coolhaus website hints at a "fried chicken and waffle" ice cream (brown butter‍ maple ice cream w/ maple candied chicken skins & caramelized waffles) coming soon. 

Road trip?

 

Road trip.

Guess Which of My Little Leaguers...

...swatted a surefire single to centerfield, only to be thrown out at first base.

...claims to throw FIVE different pitches.

...has run more disciplinary laps than everyone else on the team combined.

...has overrun second and third base more than everyone else in organized baseball combined.

...is, inexplicably, the only player on the team who knows how to slide.

...sobbed softly in the dugout during a recent 10-0 win because he didn't get to pitch.

...hasn't had a hit all season.

...has thrown more than 25% of the team's total innings pitched and just returned from a strained bicep.

...calls me "sir", instead of "coach".

...gave up five runs in 1/3 of an inning after demanding to know if he'll EVER pitch again.

The LL Chronicles #26: Six Games Into the Season...

I've often said that it's the adults who make Little League baseball infinitely more difficult than the kids. So, you'd better believe I'm proud to announce MY contribution to the usual chaos and confusion.  As the 2013 Little League season approached, I had to determine where my nine-year-old son Jalen would play. 

J could stay in the 8-10-year-old division called "Farm".  This is where he played last year, holding his own with the stick and as a regular pitcher.  Or, he could move up to the 9-11-year-old level called "Minors" -- ostensibly a more competitive division that sits one spot below Little League's apex echelon, "Majors".  I hemmed and hawed in the weeks leading up to spring sign-ups and beyond, listing both divisions on J's paperwork and wrecking havoc on the league's aging, TRS-80-supported player database. 

After receiving unsolicited counsel from several other managers -- who crafted their one-size-fits-all advice around the same weather-worn opening line, "If he was MY son..." followed by two seconds of silence to presumably build dramatic effect before dispensing their predictable advice after the ellipse -- I opted to bring Jalen up to Minors.

 

 

 

 

Tryouts were held in mid-January and the player draft was two weeks later.  My Athletics team (yes, AGAIN) looked especially young on paper -- with four 9-year-olds and just one 11-year-old. But, we appeared to offer some decent depth in both the lineup and pitching staff; albeit without any of the "man-amongst-boys" behemoths whose talent belies their birth certificates. 

We practiced throughout the month of February and after an unusually-scheduled bye on Little League Opening Day, we played our first game: 

"12-4 loss in Little League opener, highlighted by my son seeing a curveball for 1st time. Ended as hilariously & tearfully as you'd expect." -- from my Twitter feed, March 9 

I handed the opening starting pitching assignment to our oldest, most experienced player -- a tall, lanky 11-year-old named Jordan. He initially struggled with his control, but settled down to strike out five in a row at one point.  He left with a 3-1 lead.  After telling him that he wouldn't be pitching earlier in the evening, I changed my mind and brought Jalen into the game.  When the inning ended, we were suddenly down 6-3. 

J only gave up one hard hit ball in the inning.  Everything else could be laid at the feet (...and through the legs...and under the gloves) of our Vaudevillian defense.  And, it wasn't entirely errors.  Here's a quick in-game conversation between me and my third baseman: 

Me: "Seth! The bases are loaded. If it comes to you, just step on third!" 

Seth: "OK!" 

[The very...next...pitch is a groundball to third base.] 

Seth: [Picks up ball, makes lollipop toss towards first base, ball lands softly on pitcher's mound just inches from an incredulous Jalen...] 

Rest of Team: [Audible, but indecipherable cacophony of criticism directed at Seth. Constructive, I presume.] 

Later in the game, we would run ourselves out of not one, but TWO separate innings when my baserunners lost track of the number of outs.  Even the umpires got in on the act when one of my players avoided a tag at home plate only to be called out. 

Me: "Where did the catcher tag him?" 

12-year-old umpire: "Ummm...he stepped on home plate?" 

Me: "But, it wasn't a force play." 

Umpire: "Uh..." 

Obnoxious parent of player on the other team: [From behind the backstop] "THE RUNNER WAS OUT OF THE BASELINE!" 

Umpire: "Uh...the runner was out of the baseline." 

Me: "..." 

== 

"Heart-stopping 10-9 walk-off win for my son's Little League team tonite. Our 1st win! My son's reaction: 'Aww, I went 0 for 2.' Team player!" -- from Twitter, March 13 

Trailing by one run as we entered the bottom of the sixth and final inning, we were fortunate to have the top of our batting order coming up.  My leadoff hitter is a thickly-built 10-year-old catcher straight out of the Moneyball methodology.  He started us off by tomahawking an opposite-field single to right.  Up next was Bennett -- a talented 9-year-old who skipped the Farm level altogether.  He's a terrific little hitter whose concentration needs an occasional nudge. 

Me: "OK, Bennett. We've got one on and nobody out.  If you get your pitch, put a good swing on it." 

Bennett: "If I get my pitch, I'm gonna kill it, coach." 

Jesus!  True to his word, last rites rang off the left field wall as Bennett tripled home his excruciatingly s-l-o-w footed teammate to tie the game.  Bennett scored on a check-swing infield dribbler to win it.  To his credit, Jalen led the spontaneous walk-off celebration and waited until we'd ALMOST gotten back to the car before expressing his selfish lament.  So...progress.

 

 

 

== 

"16-11 loss in Little League. Didn't let fact we were missing 2 of our best players stop me from yelling at kids over teams' lack of effort!" -- from Twitter, March 16 

My 10-year-old catcher who runs with a pair of pianos strapped to his back?  Out with shin splints, natch.  My stone-faced clean-up hitter?  In-season(!) family vacation.  Despite the losses on offense, we were matching run-for-run with one of the better teams in our division -- which made our half-assed effort in the field and on the basepaths even more inexcusable. 

I've been managing in Little League long enough to expect these games once per season.  They're immediately followed by a postgame meeting in which I unleash a little kid-friendly Jim Leyland (NSFW!)  Up until now, my teams had been blown out in these effort-free affairs.  On this day, a win was within our reach, so I made my speech in the middle of the game, between innings.  It included ALL the classic lyrics, like... 

"All I ask [pause] is that you guys TRY!" 

"If you guys don't wanna play hard, then why am I here?  WHY AM I HERE?" 

[Chorus] "Hustling is the EASY part!" x4 

And, we still lost the game.  Next time, I'll auto-tune the chorus. 

== 

"Son's Little League team blew 8-0 lead & lost 12-11. If you need me, I'll be ensuring all my players WALK home & go to bed without dinner." -- from Twitter, March 19

This one STUNG.  And, the pain was exacerbated two days later by the father of one of my players.  In a long, rambling e-mail, he asked if I could make the game "more fun" for his son.  Somewhere in chapter 16 of his missive, he not-so-subtly mentioned that he previously played minor league baseball and helpfully offered up the same basic pointers ("...have the hitters rotate their hips..." and "...get the head of the bat in front of the plate...") that EVERY youth coach knows and parrots.  The publicity blurb on the back of this e-mail's imaginary book jacket would be "THE MOST CONDESCENDING READ OF THE YEAR!" 

Fortunately, I trashed my original reply ("Don't worry. Your son's got the same chance of making the Major Leagues as you.") and respectfully invited Crash Davis to come out to a practice and dispense his "fun" blend of pedantic wisdom and "Baseball Annie" anecdotes to ALL of the kids.  It's been 10 days. I'm still waiting for his response. 

== 

"Little League team wins 14-4, bouncing back from worst loss ever. Per agreement, I'm returning players' Friday lunch money to each of them." -- from Twitter, March 21 

Earlier this month, Jalen and I were having breakfast before I took him to school.  The conversation centered on catching and my son's newfound affinity for the position. 

Jalen: "Do you think I'll get most of the starts at catcher when the season starts?" 

Me: "Nah, probably not."

Jalen: "Why not?"

Me: "Because you're not a good catcher, J."

In the past, I've been able to honestly assess my son's baseball shortcomings and he'd respond with mock indignation or a playful "Hey!" before trying -- almost always successfully -- to tackle my frail, emaciated frame to the ground.  This time, however, his response wasn't what I'd call "playful". 

"I'm not a good catcher?" 

It's been nearly a month and I still feel awful about it.  The worst part is that I think he was less hurt by the criticism than by the fact it came from his greatest baseball advocate.  I immediately backpedalled by belatedly -- and clumsily -- adding context to my comment: 

"Well, J...y'know...you've gotta work on blocking balls in the dirt and...y'know, you gotta have a quick release back there...I mean, it's a tough position.  And, I like you more at shortstop.  I thought you LIKED playing shortstop?  DON'T YOU LIKE SHORTSTOP?!" 

Fortunately, I had enough flop sweat left over to marinate the crow my son would serve me once the season began.  In our second game, Jalen -- who'd stayed home from school with a cold the day before -- ended up catching four of the six innings and tagged a runner out at home.  In our third game, he threw out a runner at third base and in this 14-4 win, he threw out a runner trying to steal second. 

After six games, J's played more innings at the position than anyone on the team. 

He's a good catcher.

== 

"Little League team scored 21 runs today, but the big story was son's reaction to getting stung by bee for 1st time." -- from Twitter, March 23 

Here's his reaction. 

He's not good at getting stung by bees.