Thursday, November 1, 2012

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #9

Last Week

Joe: 9-5
Aaron: 9-5

Current Standings
Joe: 73-44
Aaron: 68-49

Kansas City at San Diego (Thursday)

Aaron: While watching the sixth or seventh one-man tantrum from Chargers QB Philip Rivers during last week's loss to an execrable Cleveland Browns team, I was struck by the realization that San Diego's competitive window has closed.  Over the past 10 years, this team went through talent such as Drew Brees, LaDanian Tomlinson, Michael Turner and Antonio Gates.  They posted a 14-2 season not long ago and reached the doorstep of an AFC Championship more than once.  Now, they've been supplanted in the division by a Denver team led by a 60-year-old quarterback with a reconstructed neck while a sad sack Oakland squad can at least boast about their one-year head start towards rebuilding.  There is a silver lining, San Diego.  At least you're not the Chiefs.  Pick: San Diego

Joe: The Chiefs really have skyrocketed to the bottom rung of the NFL ladder. The talent being wasted in Jamaal Charles (and I guess Dwayne Bowe) is heartbreaking. Let's hope for their fans sake that there's no ill-advised upswing towards the end of the year so they can at least secure the top draft spot. Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cincinnati

Aaron: The Bengals have been just bad enough to lose their last three games by an average of seven points.  That's the kind of margin that Peyton Manning can account for by himself in the fourth quarter.  Still, I'm not sure the Bengals/Broncos are as bad/good as they looked last month.  Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Yeah, we've reached the "pump them brakes" stage of the Broncos' better-than-expected season. Seeing a path where the AFC might be weak enough for Denver to make the Super Bowl isn't quiiiite the same thing as them being  Super Bowl caliber team. Still... Pick: Denver

Baltimore at Cleveland

Aaron: The Ravens are coming off a bye week, which gave them seven extra days to brood over their 30-point loss to the Texans.  Ray Lewis has already turned state's evidence in anticipation of the slaughter.  Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Have there been any boredom-induced think pieces about how the results of the Bengals and Browns games this weekend portend to Ohioans' behavior at the polls on Tuesday? ...It's like y'all aren't even trying. Pick: Baltimore

Arizona at Green Bay

Aaron: The Packers seem content to win ugly this season while playing up or down to the level of their competition.  It's a perfectly cromulent approach and eerily similar to that of The Ultimate Warrior's 1987-1991 WWF run.  Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Poor Cardinals. Remember when they were 4-0 and life in the desert was sweet and arid? Now they're 4-4 and subject to a Sunday in Wisconsin, where the air is chilly with a hint of cheese. Pick: Green Bay

Chicago at Tennessee

Aaron: Jay Cutler comes home!  Well, I mean...he was born in Georgia and grew up in Indiana, but he went to college at Vanderbilt!  For four years!  As memorable Tennessee ties go, Cutler's ranks right up there with 1990s rap group Arrested Development's and their hit song of the same name.  They fall about six months and 29 days shy of Cutler's Tennessee tenure, though.  (You'll get that one, eventually, everyone.)  Pick: Chicago

Joe: Not willing to let my lack of faith the Bears become my downfall this season. Pick: Chicago

Miami at Indianapolis

Aaron: I suspect everyone will be overrating Miami after their annihilation of the Jets last week -- a Jets team, by the way, that was similarly overrated by some (well, by me) after they hung tough against the Patriots two weeks ago.  The point here is that I'm not falling for it again!  Not THIS week, anyway!  Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I like Indy to play tough at home, but that Dolphins defense has been stingy. Pick: Miami

Carolina at Washington

Aaron: Redskins QB Robert Griffin III is hailed as DC's savior. Panthers QB Cam Newton is reviled for his aloofness and failure to act like a leader.  Who's going to be the first hacky sportswriter to compare them to 2008 and 2012 Barack Obama, respectively?  Hurry, Rick Reilly!  There's still time!  Pick: Washington

Joe: Oh hell, that's a GOOD one! Pick: Washington

Detroit at Jacksonville

Aaron: Well, look who decided to show up last week!  Lions QB Matt Stafford and his nationwide fantasy football team killing spree came to an unexpected end as he put up good numbers for the first time all year.  And, as a final f**k you, he did it while most of America had long since benched him.  Let's all shake our fists in a comically threatening manner when this game kicks off on Sunday, 'K?  Pick: Detroit

Joe: Not even joking, he sat on my bench last week. I hate him SO much, you guys. Fat-faced goon. Pick: Detroit

Buffalo at Houston

Aaron: More likely to happen -- Texans QB Matt Schaub throws for 500 yards or Texans RB Arian Foster runs for 300 yards?  Discuss.  But, not in front of Joe, you guys.  It's just common courtesy.  Pick: Houston

Joe: Look, I've been through a LOT this week. ... Or, okay, I've been adjacent to people who have been though a LOT this week. Not looking forward to this. It's a good thing Mario Williams' wrist injury will not keep him from playing this game. Which means he'll be making his Buffalo Bills debut, yes? Pick: Houston

Minnesota at Seattle

Aaron: Both teams are reeling a bit after losing their respective "these teams might be better than we think" tiaras sometime last month.  The Seahawks' defense, though, remains strong against the run.  This feels like one of those 16-14 final scores with no viewing value.  My apologies, Puyallup.  Pick: Seattle

Joe: Yeah, I'll definitely take Seattle's defense against turnover-prone Christian Ponder. Pick: Seattle

Tampa Bay at Oakland

Aaron: The Raiders have beaten up on a pair of cream puffs to crawl back into quasi-contention in the AFC West.  The Buccaneers are more like bread pudding or red velvet cake -- desserts that a lot of people like, but I've always found to be lacking...especially when compared to apple brown betty or key lime pie.  Pick: Oakland

Joe: No idea what to make of either of these schizophrenic teams this season. But what a Super Bowl rematch we have on our hands! Gruden Bowl II! John Gruden! Was a football coach once! Pick: Tampa Bay

Pittsburgh at NY Giants

Aaron: With all of the wins the Giants have racked up recently, it's easy to forget that QB Eli Manning is quietly having one of the worst fantasy stretches of his career.  And, yes, along with Matt Stafford, he's also on my big-money fantasy team!  Next year, I'll just set my goddam money on fire!  Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Nothing more frustrating in fantasy than a QB whose team wins AND puts up a lot of points and STILL gives you nothing. Nothing more frustrating in LIFE. Pick: NY Giants

Dallas at Atlanta

Aaron: There's a reason that everyone seems to overrate the Cowboys -- even a little -- every season.  It's because they occasionally win games they have no business winning.  Against an undefeated team on the road?  Sure, why not.  Pick: Dallas

Joe: Ohhhh, I'm so glad you did that. Pick: Atlanta

Philadelphia at New Orleans

Aaron: I listened to more than one NFL talking head insist that Eagles coach Andy Reid had to stay with Michael Vick as his starting quarterback.  When Reid is inevitably fired after this season, Tony Dungy better not be a dick and should let Reid sleep on his couch until he lands on his feet.  Pick: New Orleans

Joe: No chance New Orleans looks like complete garbage in prime time two weeks in a row, right? Pick: New Orleans


Kristen said...

Vanderbilt mention....wooohooo!!!... go Dores! I had to do Wikipedia research for the joke though. You make me work to get my laughs. I hope Rodgers' little brother is good enough for the NFL; then we'll have 2 QBs for people to hate!

Aaron C. said...

"Nobody said there'd be math!" Glad you got to the punchline. :) BTW...there was a heated office debate last week in which I defended Cutler over local QB and underrated jerkface Philip Rivers.

He's won me over! For now!