Thursday, November 22, 2012

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #12

Last Week

Aaron: 13-1
Joe: 10-4

Current Standings

Aaron: 101-57-1
Joe: 101-57-1

Houston at Detroit

Aaron: So, which Texans team should we believe?  Is it the one that gave up 37 points to the execrable Jaguars last week or the one that gave up 28 points combined in the three weeks prior to that?  By comparison, the Lions are positively predictable -- an 8-8 team that occasionally masquerades as something more.  They'll put up a fight, but there are some Thanksgiving traditions even older than tryptophan.  (Not to be confused with Trypticon, the sentient Decepticon city and a contrived reference I've been dying to use for years.)  Pick: Houston

Joe: This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that we no longer have the "Is this the year for the Texans?" narrative; that Arian Foster is still a reliable fantasy treasure; that Clint Eastwood and Eminem won't be claiming credit for a Detroit Lions Super Bowl run; and that Matthew Stafford will be humiliated in front of the whole country like he deserves. Pick: Houston

Washington at Dallas

Aaron: There was a recent meme involving Redskins QB Robert Griffin III and the word "'Merica". ran with it and ignited a small firestorm from self-described "patriots", "truth warriors" and, redundantly, racists.  The Cowboys branded themselves "America's Team" several decades ago.  Remember such silliness when FOX airs one of those obligatory "Happy Thanksgiving from Afghanistan!" shots of the troops.  Never forget...they're fighting for highly-compensated, carbon-based concussion sponges and their grotesque owners.  Pick: Dallas

Joe: I'm thankful that RGIII fever is being tempered by lots of Redskins losses; I'm thankful that the Dallas Cowboys are still uniting a divided country under the banner of schadenfreude; I'm thankful that Jerry Jones will be humiliated in front of the whole country like he deserves. Pick: Washington

New England at NY Jets

Aaron: For those of us who aren't planning to brave the Black Friday stampede, the Jets will be an appropriate proxy for the seasonal stomping victims and chalk outlines of holiday cheer.  Pick: New England

Joe: I'm thankful that "talking about Tim Tebow" has become far more scorned than Tebow himself; I'm thankful that Mark Sanchez will soon be wandering New York City at night, seeking comfort; I'm thankful that Rob Gronkowski is going to have a lot of free time to take iPhone photos of himself. Pick: New England

Minnesota at Chicago

Aaron: I'm not sure how the Bears' season will end, but it'll undoubtedly be followed by an obnoxious cacophony from the anti-Jay Cutler contingent.  By then, everyone will have forgotten how bad Bears backup QB Jason Campbell looked last week AND that the team might start a concussion-diminished Cutler this week.  Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Minnesota's become that impossible to predict team that lays eggs randomly and then looks way better than they are other times. I think they give it away on the road. Pick: Chicago

Oakland at Cincinnati

Aaron: Unlike their previous two opponents  -- Baltimore and New Orleans -- the Bengals actually have motivation to run up the score on the Raiders.  QB Carson Palmer returns to Cincinnati after briefly retiring to force a trade out of town.  If the Bengals have any compassion, they'll concede that playing for the rebuilding Raiders is punishment enough.  Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Cincy's looking good again, and with opponents like the Raiders and their incredibly generous defense, they look really good to nab a playoff spot. Pick: Cincinnati

Pittsburgh at Cleveland

Aaron: The Steelers are running out of black backup quarterbacks who bear more than a passing resemblance to rappers and R&B singers.  Byron Leftwich reacquainted America with Doug E. Fresh's elephantine face last week. But after suffering a pair of fractured ribs, it'll be third-stringer and John Legend stand-in Charlie Batch. As I write this, Kordell Stewart is getting fitted for gold teeth and irresponsibly running with scissors in an attempt to look like Slick Rick.  Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Did you all know that Kordell Stewart's wife is one of Bravo's Real Housewives of Atlanta? On how many levels is that fucking fascinating?? Anyway, as for players who WILL be in this game: Batch has been surprisingly serviceable for the Steelers at times. And I imagine the Browns will find all sorts of ways to lose by one point. Pick: Pittsburgh

Buffalo at Indianapolis

Aaron: It ended as a blowout loss, but QB Andrew Luck and the Colts played aggressively and weren't at all intimidated in New England last week.  Joe's Bills, unfortunately, will provide the proverbial palate cleanser this week.  And, what football team doesn't want comparisons to a refreshing lemon sorbet or a glass of room temperature water with a twist of citrus?  Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: The Bills came out blazing in the first half against Miami and built a big enough lead to endure the 30 minutes of squatting over a hole in the ground that was the second half of that game. This week, I'm bracing myself for some third-string walk-on WR to go 8-117 and 2 TDs. Pick: Indianapolis

Denver at Kansas City

Aaron: My father-in-law is a diehard Chiefs fan.  He's a good and decent man who deserves better than my near-weekly calls and/or e-mails mocking his team after another loss.  Believe me, I only barely enjoy it.  Pick: Denver

Joe: Do you ever think the Broncos might be resentful of the rest of the AFC West for their grand swan dive this season? Like when you got old enough to notice that your dad was letting you win at H-O-R-S-E? Pick: Denver

Seattle at Miami

Aaron: The Dolphins' next few games include home dates with the Seahawks, 49ers and Patriots, plus another game at New England.  Maybe they can stop compiling game footage for their season yearbook DVD after week #8, back when Miami was 4-3 and America hadn't yet reelected the black guy.  Pick: Seattle

Joe: I'm still hesitant to trust Seattle on the road, and if Miami hadn't made the seemingly conscious decision to throw last week's game away, they wouldn't be in so much freefall. This is purely a chaos pick, but here we are. Pick: Miami

Atlanta at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The Buccaneers' pass defense is the worst in the league and it's facing QB Matt Ryan who's 4th in the league in passing yards, 4th in completion percentage and 5th in touchdowns.  How many more arbitrary statistics do you need me to cite?  Pick: Atlanta

Joe: So let me get this straight: TV networks have all conspired to take a moral stand against showing streakers on air, and yet everyone is free to bring up the 1972 Dolphins and their idiot champagne toast whenever the final undefeated team loses? I'm sorry you had to witness that, Falcons fans. Pick: Atlanta

Tennessee at Jacksonville

Aaron: Reminiscent of last week's brief Jaguars resurrection; this feels like one of the two or three times that Titans RB Chris Johnson reappears this season.  Those of you who swore you'd never draft him again in fantasy football will almost assuredly be playing against him on Sunday.  I am.  Chris Johnson might be the most resilient, purest evil of them all.  Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Come Back to the Five and Dime, Maurice Jones-Drew, Maurice Jones-Drew. Pick: Jacksonville

Baltimore at San Diego

Aaron: We're down to the final six weeks of Norv Turner's tenure as head coach of the Chargers.  Unfortunately, Sunday's game will be blacked out locally, forcing citizens out into the 72-degree sunshine and into their idling cars where everyone will yell helplessly at their radios.  I'm planning to take my son around the neighborhood to watch!  No swear words, San Diego!  Pick: Baltimore

Joe: You know, I gently mock Cam's blind, frothing Chargers hatred, but if we were in the business of picking college football games, my thoughts on every Notre Dame game would be preeeetty similar. Pick: Baltimore

St. Louis at Arizona

Aaron: Every time these teams play against each other, my first urge is to write about the Cardinals' late-1980s move from St. Louis to Phoenix while throwing in lazy references to those who played for the Cards in both locations.  Soooo...Neil Lomax?  Stump Mitchell? Via Sikahema? We good, guys?  Pick: St. Louis

Joe: Um, somebody forgot Freddie Joe Nunn. Pick: Arizona

San Francisco at New Orleans

Aaron: The current Alex Smith/Colin Kaepernick quarterback controversy in San Francisco has been long on noise -- at least on the left coast -- but, short on common sense.  Everyone knows the 49ers' success has been built on their defense and running game, right?  They're 28th in the league in passing WITH incumbent Alex Smith. You know this. Don't you?  Pick: San Francisco

Joe: But he's so handsome! ...Wait, that hasn't been the most prominent aspect of the debate? Pick: New Orleans

Green Bay at NY Giants

Aaron: Just as Eli Manning's -- and the Giants' -- midseason swoon was a predictable annual occurrence, so is their inevitable midseason resurgence after everyone had positively identified their corpse in the morgue a la the first three minutes of Law & Order after the completion of the opening credits.  Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I'm actually onboard with this. Somehow the Packers STILL have only looked good once this season (that fluky blowout of Houston). Pick: NY Giants

Carolina at Philadelphia

Aaron: Intriguing. If only because this matchup will challenge ESPN color commentator Jon Gruden's sycophantic tics and tendencies like never before.  Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Despite Michael Vick's well-publicized woes this season, the underreported story was that both DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin were having very decent fantasy seasons. Enough that I'd been able to start both of them all year with confidence. Which means Nick Foles has singlehandedly destroyed my season even worse than the Eagles' season (which was already destroyed). Pick: Philadelphia


Kristen said...

13-1 to tie up the current standings? You are adding excitement to my bummerville, losing-streak filled season. (EXCEPT IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL, GO 'DORES) Anyway, have you or Joe ever predicted all games correctly in a week?

Aaron C. said...

The greatest comeback story since, what? Snoop Dogg's recovery after Tha Doggfather and Da Game is to be Sold...? I say YES!

I don't *think* either of us has ever had an undefeated week, but I *think* Joe once picked all the Sunday games correctly, before losing the Monday night game.

That sounds like something I would've mocked him mericlessly for, though.