Thursday, November 15, 2012

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #11

Last Week 

Aaron: 11-2-1
Joe: 8-5-1 

Current Standings 

Joe: 91-53-1
Aaron: 88-56-1

Miami at Buffalo (Thursday Night)

Aaron: Kudos to all the Internet Truth Warrior Patriots out there who are trying to make this "Reggie Bush vs. the women of Buffalo" kerfuffle into an actual news story. (And, damned if it doesn't have all the 21st century style points: lazy generalizations, overweighting an athlete's opinion on anything and a self-appointed, self-important defender of honor and virtue).  Back in MY day, former Dolphins LB Bryan Cox went to war with the entire CITY of Buffalo.  There was spitting, middle fingers, alleged slurs and fights with Carwell Gardner.  Carwell Gardner!  There was a lot more to the 1990s than pogs and relevant black sitcoms, y'all.  Pick: Buffalo 

Joe: Oh, did Reggie say Buffalo women were fat and ugly? I can never keep track of which athletes have let that novel observation fly. (Also, he dated KIM KARDASHIAN. (Fat) check and (ugly) mate. Anyway, the Bills. Talented enough on offense (i.e. at the running back position) to generate enough points to win a few games this year, ensuring a thoroughly dispiriting 6- or 7-win season and steering clear from any draft pick that might threaten to make a difference. Although I guess there's the case of Robert Griffin III, a talented as hell player in the biggest difference-making position on the field who nonetheless has the Redskins nowhere near playoff caliber. Anyway, win, lose, who cares? The world is an endlessly unfurling gray terrain of meaninglessness. Pick: Miami

Arizona at Atlanta

Aaron: The Falcons first loss of the season last week -- which I TOTALLY randomly guessed right by accident -- was the inevitable result of a team that's been taking on water for awhile.  Their wildly talented passing game has been increasingly undercut by pretty much everything else on the field that doesn't require QB Matt Ryan throwing a football.  And, that's at least two or three other things, you guys.  Pick: Atlanta 

Joe: Does it seem to anyone else that Arizona hasn't even played a game since their 4-0 start? They seem to have dropped right out of the league. I still think that defense can give any team in the league problems, but they can't seem to move the ball at all. Pick: Atlanta

Cleveland at Dallas

Aaron: The Cowboys win against the Eagles last week combined with the predictable panic over the Giants equally predictable midseason swoon has led to an unnerving amount of "the Cowboys can win this division" nonsense.  Settle down.  The Cowboys can't play terrible teams every week.  Well, starting NEXT week, presumably.  Pick: Dallas 

Joe: So long as DeMarco Murray remains injured, Cowboys opponents can't be counted out of games. Though if there was any week for a big ol' ego-soothing blowout, this would be it.  Pick: Dallas

Green Bay at Detroit

Aaron: One year ago, the Lions hosted the Packers on Thanksgiving Day. The narrative was all about "the changing of the guard" in the NFC North, as the Lions were poised to end Aaron Rodgers' tyrannical reign.  Today, Rodgers STILL lords over his empire -- rife with his self-effacing commercials and doe-eyed affability.  Pick: Green Bay 

Joe: Curse that handsome devil! I feel bad for Lions fans, who were teased with a playoff run last year only to be beaten back down into irrelevance, but that's what happens when you entrust your team to a fat-faced fantasy-season killer like Matthew Stafford. Pick: Green Bay

Cincinnati at Kansas City

Aaron: Dennis Green in Arizona...Art Shell in Oakland (again)...Romeo Crennel in Kansas City.  The sideline shot of recycled black coaches who've clearly stopped giving a shit is one of our more underrated autumn traditions.  Pick: Cincinnati 

Joe: Uncle Phil during the latter seasons of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"? You know, when he became a judge? Would that count? I'm not sure what other kind of analysis anyone is supposed to offer for a game like this. Kansas City is awful. That's it. Pick: Cincinnati

Philadelphia at Washington

Aaron: Watching back-up Eagles QB Nick Foles hilariously -- and unsuccessfully -- hightail it from a consistent onslaught of defensive pressure last week has me hoping Chris Berman's next obnoxious nickname is along the lines of "Nick 'Feets Don't FOLES Me Now'".  Don't worry...if history is any indication, co-host Tom Jackson won't act all offended until several days later.  Pick: Washington

Joe: (DANG! That is a deep cut from the TJ file!) This season's Eagles team makes me think of nothing so much as that line from Angels in America, when Harper Pitt says, "I don't understand why I'm not dead. Your heart breaks, you should die." I'm not sure if the fizzling promise of last season's superteam counts as a heart breaking, but everybody just seems confused that they're still playing, right? Anyway, someone has finally used an Angels in America quote to preview an NFL game, so the Mayans can do what they want with us, then.

Tampa Bay at Carolina

Aaron: So...the Bucs have the league's worst pass defense, but best run defense.  This means the Panthers' fortunes rely almost solely on the arm of the enigmatic Cam Newton.  Well, that was easy.  Pick: Tampa Bay 

Joe: Have the Bucs had their "not so fast" inexplicable divisional road loss yet? Pick: Carolina

Jacksonville at Houston

Aaron: 22 years ago this week, the University of Houston hung 84 points on Eastern Washington.  Feel free to use that one (and name drop David Klingler!) on your Hooters girl at halftime of this inevitable debacle.  Pick: Houston 

Joe: On Bill Simmons's weekly podcast/hilarious comedy revue with the esteemed "Cousin Sal," he claimed that Jacksonville should not have a football team. I find that kind of statement condescending and unnecessarily callous towards Jacksonville fans, or I would if I thought any existed. Pick: Houston

NY Jets at St. Louis

Aaron: Everyone realizes that Tim Tebow -- when it's all said and done -- is going to be the ONLY person associated with his professional football career, directly or indirectly, who didn't come across as an asshole, right?  Pick: St. Louis 

Joe: Last week's Rams-49ers game was the first time I'd ever actually watched an NFL tie occur. It's tough to watch a team play for a tie, as both teams ultimately did at the end there, and have any confidence in them to win going into the future. Just demoralizing. Pick: NY Jets

New Orleans at Oakland

Aaron: As a fan, it was a tad dispiriting that this Raiders team not only lost big last week, but seemed perfectly fine with the Ravens rolling out a fake field goal while leading by 24 points.  Say what you want about late owner Al Davis, but if that happened under his watch, Ray Lewis would've been shanked in retaliation.  Irony!  Pick: New Orleans 

Joe: I'm waiting patiently for the game where the Saints improbably revived playoff hopes get cut down like a scene from The Walking Dead. But the Raiders' defense doesn't appear to be equipped to stop them. Pick: New Orleans

San Diego at Denver

Aaron: Last week, Chargers QB Philip Rivers threw the most Philip Rivers-ian interception of the Philip Rivers era.  The defender was less than 10 yards in from of him.  No other player from either side was between them.  "I didn't think he'd do 'Moon River', but then BAM! Second encore!"  Pick: Denver 

Joe: Can we get back to the thing where Eric Decker scores a TD every week? If not for my fantasy season then at least for the extra 2-3 sideline close-ups of his face? Thanks, Peyton, I'd appreciate it. Pick: Denver

Indianapolis at New England

Aaron: Years ago, respected NFL writer Peter King explained the convoluted scheduling reasoning behind why these two teams seem to play each other every season.  I always assumed it was more about: Peyton Manning! Tom Brady! Nielsen Ratings!  The Andrew Luck Colts can't be counted out, but...New England in November, you guys.  Pick: New England 

Joe: Wishful thinking. Don't care. Pick: Indianapolis

Baltimore at Pittsburgh

Aaron: You know what this always-unwatchable, defense-first series needed?  Steelers backup QB Byron Leftwich getting his first start since 2009!  Negative points are a distinct possibility!  Pick: Baltimore 

Joe: The Steelers needing to start Leftwich this week reminds me of how I would always have "buy a flashlight" on my list of things to do and all of a sudden a hurricane was coming and I had to scramble to get whatever crappy product was available at a moment's notice. Gotta prepare for disaster, guys. Pick: Baltimore

Chicago at San Francisco 

Aaron: And, erstwhile Redskins and Raiders QB Jason Campbell is getting the start for Chicago here!  I saw one of the national sportswriters referenced Campbell's 10-5 record in his last 15 starts as a reason to not underestimate him.  I'm going to do it, anyway.  Pick: San Francisco 

Joe: These were the two dominant NFC teams the year I started watching football. Jim McMahon! Joe Montana! Richard Dent! Ditka! Walsh! Honorary G.I. Joe William "The Refrigerator" Perry, whose "Joe" action figure was hilariously svelte! Somehow, Jason Campbell vs. Colin Kapernick can't compare. Pick: Chicago


Anonymous said...

Joe, preach on!! Kim K. is rough on the eyes...

Aaron C. said...

Wow. It would appear I'm all alone in thinking Kim Kardashian is kind of...well, I'll keep that to myself, then.

For now.

~jessica said...

For what it's worth (nothing, I realize, but still), Byron Leftwich is a really nice guy. And to my knowledge he's never raped anyone! If only he was better at pro football. [sigh]

CrazyCanuck said...

"someone has finally used an Angels in America quote to preview an NFL game, so the Mayans can do what they want with us, then."

I bow down to the greatness of Joe. At least I'll be in the proper position for the apocalypse.

And if you mean Kim K. is kinda, well,...overexposed, Cam, you'd be very right. Oh, so very right.