Saturday, October 23, 2010

2010 NFL Pickery -- Week #7

Last Week:

Joe: 10-4
Tom: 10-4
Aaron: 8-6


Joe: 62-28
Tom: 54-36
Aaron: 47-43

Cincinnati at Atlanta

The new collaborative reality show starring Bengals WRs Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens pulled in a 0.1 rating this week. I hope this puts to rest – once and for all – the notion that my fellow African-Americans will watch ANYTHING. (Soul Plane and any movie from The Wayans Bros., notwithstanding.) Pick: Atlanta

Joe: It makes me wonder what a tragedy it is that classic Atlanta Falcons Deion Sanders and Andre Rison missed out on the Golden Age of reality TV. They'd have pulled down at least a .2 -- a .5 for the "Left Eye burned my house down" two-parter. Pick: Atlanta

Buffalo at Baltimore

Aaron: In their last four games, the Buffalo defense has allowed 34, 38, 38 and 36 points. During their four-year reign as Intercontinental AFC Champions, the Bills gave up 34+ points just seven times in 64 regular season games. Keep making history, Joe's favorite team. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: So the 2010 Bills are ... worse than the early-90s Bills? I'll make a note of it. Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at Carolina

Aaron: Well, the "Jimmy Clausen Experience" couldn't have been scripted any better – zero wins as a starter, alienated his team's best player (WR Steve Smith, before his ankle injury) and left Panthers fans wistfully pining for the "Chris Weinke Experience". Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I know the pro game doesn't put as much stock in margin of victory, but the Niners should have beat the Raiders way worse than they did. They were facing Jason Campbell. JASON CAMPBELL! Pick: Carolina

Washington at Chicago

It's rare when I use thoughtful statistical analysis to make my picks. But, finding out the Bears haven't converted a third down in their past two games AND that 41% of their offensive plays from scrimmage have resulted in zero or negative yards this season… I mean, that's bad, right? Pick: Washington

Joe: What Aaron said, plus the fact that this game is shaping up to be one of those ugly games what Washington wins without actually looking impressive. They LOVE those games! Pick: Washington

Pittsburgh at Miami

Aaron: With the end of the 2010 New York Yankees season, the Steelers are a worthy successor as "the most unwatchable winning team in sports". Pittsburgh's bludgeoning, methodical style is fine when it can be filtered down to a 30-second highlight package on Sunday night's Sportscenter. For three hours? I'd rather watch the first four innings of an ALCS game. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Hey, your Yankees taunts can't hurt me. My guys were up against the juggernaut of Bill Simmons's not-at-all-childish Twitter-based reverse jinx. Can't fight magical realism. Pick: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia at Tennessee

Aaron: The Titans' QB-eating defensive line is capable of ending the Eagles' latest quarterback controversy before it can begin…again. Run, Kevin Kolb, run. Oh, wait…you can't. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: The Eagles probably have me fooled -- and it's not like I don't know that the best time to pick against the Eagles is when they're riding high. But watching the Titans get fat on the Cowboys and Jags doesn't have me thinking they're suddenly great. Pick: Philadelphia

St. Louis at Tampa Bay

Aaron: Two weeks ago, I got a little carried away with the Rams' two-game winning streak and picked them to beat the Lions in Detroit. Remember that episode of The Simpsons when Lisa's science fair exhibit asked Is My Brother Dumber Than a Hamster? Well, I'm the hamster. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Weird to think that the winner of this game (especially if it's the Rams) gets vaulted into the playoff picture. Nelly's gotta be on pins and needles! Pick: Tampa Bay [Ed. Note: That's TWO Nelly/St. Louis jokes from Joe this season. I'm assessing a one win penalty from his total.]

Cleveland at New Orleans

Aaron: If this game were in Cleveland – outdoors on the submerged October turf – I'd probably talk myself into picking the Browns. Thank you for saving me from myself, anonymous NFL schedulers. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: If I'm a Browns fan, looking at the last year of New Orleans Saints football has to be like watching some poor hick family holding an oversized lottery check on the evening news. Keep the dream alive, woebegone NFL franchises! Pick: New Orleans

Jacksonville at Kansas City

Aaron: Just so we're clear, Jacksonville fans – If I'd told you six months ago that you'd be 3-3 and contemplating (1) playing Trent Edwards, (2) playing Todd Bouman and (3) selling the team to Magic Johnson and moving them to Los Angeles…you'd have drafted Tim Tebow, right? Just for the revenue and goodwill? Right? Pick: Kansas City

Joe: There are Jacksonville fans? Seriously, though, who ever thought giving THAT bustling metropolis a pro sports franchise could ever backfire? Pick: Kansas City

Arizona at Seattle

Wait, wait, wait…Seattle head coach Pete Carroll was an unadulterated disaster when he held the same job with the New York Jets and New England Patriots during the 1990s. I've learned from experts like's Bill Simmons that professional athletes and coaches are ALWAYS what they were in their first few years. They cannot evolve or improve. (See: "Peyton Manning will never win a Super Bowl" or "Bill Belichick never coached the Cleveland Browns".) How can Pete Carroll be? Pick: Seattle

Joe: My favorite thing about this Seahawks team is that they're like a foster home for wayward players. Mike Williams? Marshawn Lynch? They're the juvenile delinquents, and Pete Carroll is Whoopi Goldberg masquerading as a nun who inspires them to be the best rapping church choir they can be. Pick: Seattle

New England at San Diego

The 2010 AFC West Champions are gloriously banged-up and sit at 2-4 with the cupcake portion of their schedule now behind them. With the Patriots this week; the Titans' terrific running game and defensive line next week; the Texans on the road after that; Denver's prolific passing, and then on the road in Indianapolis to round out November, the Chargers could be…could be…oh, I can't contain myself! Pick: New England

Joe: You guys, we all know hubris when we see it. Let's just not make a very big deal of it. Pick: San Diego

Oakland at Denver

Marc Wilson didn't debut with the Raiders until the mid-1980s. Todd Marinovich's first year was 1992. I think Rick Mirer was starting games for us in 2003. With Kyle Boller in line to get the start for Oakland, at least we're getting our "worst Raiders quarterback of the decade" trivia question completed early. Pick: Denver

Joe: Denver riding out the current hot streaks of Kyle Orton and Brandon Lloyd feels like that Seinfeld episode where Kramer tries to drive the dealership car as far as he can on an empty tank of gas. And yet...Oakland on the road. Come back to the five and dime, Bruce Gradkowski, Bruce Gradkowski. Pick: Denver

Minnesota at Green Bay

QB Aaron Rodgers has NEVER led the Packers to victory over a Brett Favre-led Vikings team. And, what did we learn earlier? That's right…professional athletes are always what they were in their first few years. They cannot evolve or improve. Ever. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: While that sample size of two is indeed intimidating, I'm sticking with the home team. Pick: Green Bay

N.Y. Giants at Dallas

Aaron: I've previously declared my indifference towards the Dallas Cowboys, but I can't lie: I'm really looking forward to the steady stream of befuddled Wade Phillips faces followed immediately by Jerry Jones' calcifying face. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's been beyond gratifying to see the rest of the world come around to my deep and abiding hatred of Wade Phillips. Still, one of the most infuriating things about Wade was his ability to win just enough to keep himself employed. Pick: Dallas

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