Actual conversations with my five-year-old son…
Last week, Jalen – while 99% asleep – came downstairs around 11:00 PM. I took him back upstairs, with a detour to the bathroom.
Me: "Are you finished?"
Jalen: [Unintelligible somnambulant mumbling.]
Me: "OK, let's get your pajama bottoms pulled up."
Jalen: [More mumbling.]
Me: "J, I can't understand you."
Jalen: [More mumbling, but with an obviously annoyed tint.]
Me: "J, what's the problem?"
Jalen: "I said, 'my underwear is pinching my penis!'"
Stopping off for a post-haircut ice cream…
Jalen: "Are you going to leave me in the car when you get the ice cream?"
Me: "What?! No, I'm not going to leave you in the car."
Jalen: "Mommy does."
(In the next beat, Jalen explained. Now, I COULD print his response – which fully exonerates Mrs. Bootleg – or I could cut it off right where I did. Decisions, decisions.)
Showing Jalen my 2nd grade class photo…
Me: "That's me when I was seven-years-old."
Jalen: "Wow. You used to be brown skinned, but now you're really light skinned."
Me: [Head explodes].