Actual conversations with my five-year-old son, Jalen…
Watching A's/Orioles Saturday night on MASN, when that Smirnoff Ice "water slide" commercial pops up…
Jalen: "She's pointing her bra!"
Me: "She sure is!"
Jalen "[Gasps] And, HE'S showing his privacy!"
Watching A's/Orioles Sunday afternoon…
Jalen: [Calling me from our downstairs bathroom] "Daddy, I need you."
Me: J, whaddaya need?
Jalen: "Come see how big my penis is!"
Preparing to toss Jalen in the shower…
Jalen: "Daddy, I know what 'teasing' is?"
Me: "What is it, J?"
Jalen: "It's like in that movie where the one guy beat the other guy and he was teasing him."
Me: "What movie…?"
Jalen: "The one with the racing! The yellow guy teased the other yellow guy."
Me: "What the hell are…oh, wait. You mean that Simpsons episode with Bart and the soap box racer?"
While watching the end of Sunday's Lakers/Magic game…
Jalen: "Dad, why are all the players Black?"
Mrs. Bootleg: "Jalen, there are some white players, too."
Jalen: "Those are the coaches."
Me: [Head explodes.]