More Jalen Speak

Actual conversations with my five-year-old son, Jalen…


Watching A's/Orioles Saturday night on MASN, when that Smirnoff Ice "water slide" commercial pops up…

Jalen: "She's pointing her bra!"

Me: "She sure is!"

Jalen "[Gasps] And, HE'S showing his privacy!"


Watching A's/Orioles Sunday afternoon…

Jalen: [Calling me from our downstairs bathroom] "Daddy, I need you."

Me: J, whaddaya need?

Jalen: "Come see how big my penis is!"

Me: "…"


Preparing to toss Jalen in the shower…

Jalen: "Daddy, I know what 'teasing' is?"

Me: "What is it, J?"

Jalen: "It's like in that movie where the one guy beat the other guy and he was teasing him."

Me: "What movie…?"

Jalen: "The one with the racing! The yellow guy teased the other yellow guy."

Me: "What the hell are…oh, wait. You mean that Simpsons episode with Bart and the soap box racer?"

Jalen: "Yeah!"


While watching the end of Sunday's Lakers/Magic game…

Jalen: "Dad, why are all the players Black?"

Me: "Uhhh…"

Mrs. Bootleg: "Jalen, there are some white players, too."

Jalen: "Those are the coaches."

Me: [Head explodes.]