Monday, June 1, 2009

An Actual Conversation with my Five-Year-Old Son…

Does casual profanity count?

From Sunday morning, May 30

Jalen: [Interrupting his own one-man imaginary adventure, bringing random action figure over to me] "He said a bad word."

Me: [Absent-mindedly sipping coffee, not even looking up from my magazine] "What'd he say?"

Jalen: "He said, 'damn it'."

Note: I'm still not sure if I should've reprimanded him or commended the boy for bringing this to my attention.


He's objectifying women at an 8th grade level!

From Sunday afternoon, May 30

Me: [Taking a tinkle in our downstairs bathroom.]

Jalen: [In living room – watching the Giants/Cardinals baseball game on the Comcast Bay Area feed.] "Those girls pointed their bras at the TV!"

Me: [Finishes bathroom business – more or less – races through kitchen and dining room in 0.6 seconds.] "What? Where?"

Jalen: "On TV!"

The boy is watching a local Bay Area spot for this scantily-clad contest…that was actually held two weeks ago.

Mrs. Bootleg: "AARON!"

Jalen: "Let's watch it again!"


Where Black-on-Black Violence Begins…

An actual conversation with my five-year-old son, yesterday morning…

Jalen: "What're you looking at?"

Aaron (typing on laptop computer) "Oh, that's someone (Jemile Weeks) the A's drafted last year. It's not a very good picture, though."

Jalen: (with his face an inch from the screen) "What color is his skin?"

Aaron: "Uh, well, it's brown like yours and mine."

Jalen: "NO! Not like yours! Yours is LIGHT brown and his is dark brown like me and mommy's."

Aaron: "…"


Mammy, the Sequel

An actual conversation with my five-year-old-son during breakfast, about a week ago…

Aaron: "Ready for your pancakes?"

Jalen: "YEAH!"

Aaron: "These just need another minute on the griddle, can you get the syrup?"

Jalen: (staring intently at the bottle of syrup) "This looks like mommy!"


Heaven Ain't Hard 2 Find

An actual conversation with my five-year-old son and another gentleman during our last haircut…

Jalen: "That's my daddy [sitting in the barber's chair, getting hair cut]."

Gentleman: "Oh, I see him. And, how old are you?"

Jalen: "I'm five. How old are you?"

Gentleman: "I'm 63-years-old."

Jalen: "Wow. You're almost going to heaven!"

Aaron: [Head explodes.]


CrazyCanuck said...

Now, you just posted your son's, um, "observation" of Mrs. Bootleg for all the world to see.

So I guess this will be your last posting for a while until you get out of the hospital and/or traction?

That Bootleg Guy said... hindsight, I probably should've held off on posting this until I'd at least bought Mrs. Bootleg a Mother's Day card and gift.

Which reminds me...I'm off to the store to buy the wife a card...which is also her gift.

Michiewah said...

Ah, the pancake discussion! I had a similar discussion (or so my mom says) when I was about 5. We were in my grandmother's house, and grandma was making pancakes. I stared at the Aunt Jemima syrup bottle, and exclaimed, "Mommy! There goes grandma, on the bottle!" And believe me, my grandma DID kinda of resemble Aunt Jemima....

mathan said...

I've got to get one of those! I'm totally knocking up the next chick I shag.

MSD said...

that white chick's grandma didn't look like Aunt Jemima. No way.

thatnicka said...

only post jalen's comments on your blog from now on.

Elena said...

@MSD: For Halloween one year I went as Rosie the Riveter (, complete with a nametag that *said* 'Rosie', and I could not tell you how many people thought I was Aunt Jemima - and I am significantly younger, whiter, and lezzier than Aunt Jemima. There may be something deeper at work here. Could it be that she is the unifying force America needs, the image of all of us? I suggest we get a government grant to investigate. Think of all the pancakes we could eat with that money.

(Note: I haven't slept much.)

that mexican guy said...

Elena - in the defense of your friends, coworkers and fellow partygoers (and I'm doing my best to tread lightly here) you found a way to nail that "black lady on the bottle of syrup" vibe.

Nicely done.