Sunday, June 14, 2009

Guest Post: Kelly Clarkson is a Crazy Biiatch

We have quite the colorful cast of characters around the offices of the Unnamed Defense Contractor. There's "The Intern", who works about eight hours per week yet makes more than everyone who isn't a manager. "Coach" is a middle-aged, egg-shaped ex-jock who condescendingly micromanages his "players" so he can feel better about himself. And, don't get me started on "Juggs", "End Table" or "Mud Butt".

Anyways, m'man Austin is one of my co-workers, as well. He's the last of the ambitious dreamers and helped motivate my Black ass to start pursuing real writing opportunities. Consequently, I'm up to three real rejections in my pursuit of a real writing job.

So, to say "thank you" to Austin, I'm running his guest post on that former American Idol champion…

Kelly Clarkson…what can we say? America made you number one as millions of tweens asked their parents for permission to call up and vote you in. I can almost remember that day – September 4th, 2002 – I'd been home about an hour, having inhaled a Whopper (as in Burger King, no reference to the size of
Jessica Simpson's thighs intended). I made that Whopper disappear faster than Brian Dunkleman's career.

Now, we all know where Kelly and her two zip code ass came from, but what we don't know, is where she's going. If her fourth album, All I Ever Wanted, is any indication, she may well shave her head and pop out a few with an illiterate dancer before too long.

We need only look at
the song titles for a glimpse of the penicillin shot that is her life.

Track #1: "My Life Would Suck Without You" – Well, we are certainly off to a good start. Kind of a John Hinckley moment there and Jodie Foster isn't even lukewarm yet.

Track #2: "I Do Not Hook Up" – I don't want you? Are you kidding me? She's already unapproachable, obsessed, talking about how life would suck without him… but she can't give up the happy town?

Track # 3: "Cry" – I'm not sure where to go from here. Life sucks – but, I don't – and now I'm crying. If you had put out, neither of our lives would suck and you wouldn't be crying (provided you kept the ice pack on it).

Track #4: "Don't Let Me Stop You" – Whoa…don't let me stop you. This is the kind of girl your mom warned you about. Get the scissors out of her hand.

Track #5: "All I Ever Wanted" – Let's recap these first five tracks: she's obsessed and doesn't want him to leave; she doesn't want to put out; there's a lot of crying and self-pity followed by a hefty portion of guilt, and now she's back to all I ever wanted.

Track #6: "Already Gone" - As in the man she thought she had. After I'd heard the first five, I would be out, too. All I can picture is what life must have been like back at home after explaining that the cigar wasn't sex.

Track #7: "If I Can't Have You" – She's come full circle. Now, she's plotting some serious revenge. "Justin 4 Eva" may be carved in to her chest at this point,

Track #8: "Save You" – Get your CDs out of her car dude, she's a stage 1 clinger.

Track #9: "Whyyouwannabringmedown" (that's how it's spelled…I kid you not): This story has taken a turn for the worse. She's hammered, locked in a closet and listening to
Burt Bacharach. Dude, run.

Track # 10: "Long Shot" – Her prospects of dating or the A's chance of post season play in 2009. [TBG Note: F*** you.]

Track #11: "Impossible" – Now, she's just messing with us on the off chance we're still listening. Believe it or not, she's got 14 songs on this manifesto…

Track #12: "Ready" - Pack your bags fellas, she's up to something.

Track # 13: "I Want You" - After all we've been through on this wild and crazy ride… she became obsessed, refused to host a party in "Valley City," started crying, planned and executed your demise. It's like a 2009 version of Eraser. By the time you reach this song on the album, you're already dead if you haven't escaped, son.

Track #14: "If No One Will Listen" – I made it to the last song. This was clearly intended to be hummed to herself quietly as she hung herself with a shoelace in her cell as she awaits her sentencing for taking out the one man she loved. Yes, your life does suck without him, and mine sucks for having purchased this album.


Elena said...

Kelly Clarkson is not *about* the music. Kelly Clarkson is about being the Dirty Girl Next Door. She's part of a long American tradition, like apple pie and useless one-cent coins. We have cornered the market on girls who can smile sweetly at your parents over the dinner table while whispering things that make steam come out your ears, damn it, and I won't stand for any ridiculous Commie nonsense that says she has to produce decent albums as well. I am happy to love her just as she is.

That Bootleg Guy said...

I, for one, just wish she'd give us as much to work with as previous Idol winners Fantasia and Ruben Studdard. I could've kept my old Bootleg music column going for another 18 months with just those two and Lil' Kim.

SHough610 said...

Elena, if you're the type of woman you just described then marry me.