Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Worst Fast Food I've Ever Reviewed

Friends…I've willingly taken years off my life in an attempt to single-handedly (mouthedly?) try as many new fast food menu items as possible. They are then reviewed, so that you can decide whether or not these 1,000-calorie saturated fat bombs are worth the eventual cost of your colon.

Burger King recently introduced their "Homestyle Melt" line of burgers and breakfast sandwiches. On Sunday morning, still nursing an uneasy stomach after an anniversary evening full o' rockin' cocktails from Saturday night, I hit the BK drive-thru for some grease to soak up that errant whiskey.

My sandwich came with sausage (but, you can also order bacon or ham) and egg – hold the cheese. It was served between two pieces of sourdough with a smear of honey on one of the slices of bread. Oh, Burger King…drop your pants and fetch my belt.

I'd never actually had dry sausage before biting into this chalky monstrosity. Really…isn't sausage nothing but pig fat? Isn't that why it tastes so damn good? This was more like one of those convenience store heat lamp burgers. Awful.

And, I'm pretty sure that the bread was supposed to be toasted. It's a "melt" for God's sake! My sourdough had a weird circle of light toasting right in the center of both slices, yet somehow managed the heretofore unheard of act of being both soggy AND stale.

My meal's only saving grace were the hash brown "rounds" that BK serves. In hindsight, I should've just went with a few sacks of those, as they're infinitely better than the hash brown patty/panty liner served at McDonald's.

Sadly, my small order of "rounds" wasn't enough to save my Sunday…which, you ruined Burger King.

You ruiner.


Joe R. said...

Yeah, they also serve actual burgers in the "home"style melts (worst marketing terms ever because: who serves sourdough at home, honestly?), and I thought long and hard before forsaking one in favor of a BK Stacker. Well...I won't say it's the "best" decision I ever made, but this blog post tells me it wasn't the worst.

Also "hash brown rounds"? I have the Tater Tot people on line two, and they are pissed.

that mexican guy said...

I think your mistake was not getting cheese. That slice of perfectly square neon yellow dairy is what holds all breakfast sandwiches together.

Now I will rank every fast food breakfast sandwiches for future reference:

1.) McGriddle
2.) Everything else

Anonymous said...

Didn't burger king have a french toast sandwich that was just a blatant rip off of the mcgriddle? I got it once then it seemed to fall off the menu.

On a related note, their "Joe" brand coffee is pretty damn good for fast food coffee.

That Bootleg Guy said...

Can't believe I've gone this long without a BK Stacker meeting my innards. Just beef n' bacon, w/o any superfluous ruffage getting between me and my eventual heart atttack. Just as Allah intended (well, save for the bacon part).

MEX: I get cheese on everything...except sausage. Bacon? Sure. But, not sausage. Just one of many quirks that made me QUITE the catch for Mrs. Bootleg.

ANON: BK *did* have a french toast sammich, but it got yanked from the menu before I could eat one. Not sure what happened there. The next time Robert Stack accosts any of you for change at the bus stop, ask him to look into this.