Five Years in Five Days – The End is Nigh

There comes a time when you've grown too old to use certain words.

"Potty" is one example. "Roommate" is another. And, "girlfriend" is a third.

"Fiancée Bootleg" has such a nice ring, that I wish I could've gotten some mileage out of it in my old column. (And, some of those 2003 columns needed all the help they could get…)

Memoirs of a Marrying Man…

Say Goodbye to Your Female Friends - You know those women from work or from college or just from around the way? They're the ones that you've never slept with (or maybe you have) and there's always been that unspoken flirtatious tension between the two of you. Well, once they find out that you're engaged, watch them all disappear. Women have this ingrained, illogical belief that married men can't have female friends. They also view your engagement as a sign that they're getting older and less desirable. For years, I didn't realize it, but those crazy, insecure broads are doing us a favor.

Wedding Planning for Guys - Believe it or not, there are actually some male-friendly parts of planning a wedding. You gotta get in on the cake tasting. Dozens of cake slivers, a multitude of flavors – and it's all FREE! It's like wine tasting, but with only 95% of the pretentiousness.

I'm also glad I was involved with the DJ selection. Mrs. Bootleg would've picked – get this – a woman to be our DJ, if I hadn't been there to shoot that gender-inappropriate idea down. Finally, make time for a few meetings with wedding photographers. Tedious? Sure, but nearly all of them have that one shot of the bride and her bridesmaids hitching up their dresses and showing some leg. Yum! Remember, it's erotic because you don't know them!

If You're Going to Overspend on One Thing… - In all seriousness, make it the photographer. I have nothing snarky to add here. Just trust me on this one.

The Guest List - We earmarked slots for 120 guests. When it came time to decide who made the cut, Mrs. Bootleg attempted to play the "I know more people than you" card. Hold your ground, guys. Make it a 50/50 split and fill up every last spot, even if you have to comb the obituaries for names. Then, graciously decide to cede some of your guests to the woman. Remember, marriage is all about things that you can dig up from the past to use to your benefit in future arguments.

Wedding Registry - During last month's San Diego wildfire drama, the wife and I were able to share a laugh over our garage full of unopened, still factory-sealed wedding gifts. Did I mention it'll be five years this Friday? Anyone want these? Perhaps, I can interest you in this? And, is there any good reason that a Black couple wants this on their wedding registry?

Much to the protests of my wife, I started an Amazon.com registry with nothing but DVDs. Adamant that no one would buy anything off of it, she was shocked when everything I asked for was snapped up in about a week. Fortunately, she wasn't too shocked to add several DVDs of her own. I mean Grease? Jesus.

The Fight I Forgot - Mrs. Bootleg got home from her bachelorette party in Vegas at the precise moment that my Oakland A's lost their third straight ALDS. I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was in something of a foul mood. While this doesn't sound like me in the least, the wife swears that I rudely told her I had no interest in hearing about her weekend in Sin City. From that, she took that I cared more about the game than about her. To this day, I still have no retort. Probably should try to think of one before tomorrow.

Into Every Life… - The average November high temperature in San Diego is 70 degrees. Surprisingly, November is also San Diego's sunniest month of the year and we average just over an inch of rain. So, of course, it rained during our entire wedding weekend. Coincidentally enough, the forecast for tomorrow is rain. Yes…coincidence.

Know if You Really Need a Limo - My wife arranged for a limo to take us from the ceremony to the reception. Total distance: 1.2 miles. And, yes, Mrs. Bootleg does handle the Cameron Family finances. I'll be pretty helpless when she eventually leaves me.

Drinky, Drinky - We had an open bar at our wedding – beer, wine and hard liquor. Nothing's too good for our guests! Then, after less than two hours, these vultures had plowed through our $2,500 drink ceiling. Far be it for me to place the blame on one person, but my best man appeared to be the drunkest. He spilled some of his champagne before beginning a rambling toast, then "inadvertently" felt up my wife, before shoving a dollar bill down into the pants of another married woman…who just happened to be dancing on a chair. Actually, this would've been the wedding of the year…if I didn't have to pay for it.

If I Had to Do It All Over Again… - …I have no idea how to finish that sentence.

Next: Part Five! Uhh, I'll think of something…