Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #17

Last Week

Joe: 12-4
Aaron: 12-4

Current Standings

Joe: 157-80-1
Aaron: 146-90-1

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Aaron: The Falcons have wrapped up the NFC #1 seed in the playoffs, so I doubt their starters will see much action.  On a related note, the Buccaneers haven't shown up since before Thanksgiving.  (Hey, it's been a long season. I'm allowed ONE Jay Leno-esque joke this week, yes?)  Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Oh, wait, did we all forget to have that tedious conversation about whether the Falcons are cheating their fans by sitting their starters? Pick: Atlanta

NY Jets at Buffalo

Aaron: I don't know what's true and what's not. But, I'm rooting for this Tim Tebow heel turn to continue this week and through the offseason -- with an NWO-era Hollywood Hulk Hogan beard and an interview tour that draws heavily on The Rock's infamous, incredulous "Die Rocky Die" promo.  Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Whoever starts for the Jets this week, can they just do me a solid and beat the Bills so that I can at least look forward to a top-5 draft pick? Pick: NY Jets

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Aaron: The Bengals are currently the sixth seed in the AFC playoffs and will be playing on the road next week against one of the division champions.  So, I'll go back to inexplicably picking against them in seven days.  Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: The Bengals are certainly playing better more consistently these days. But that was a good, solid win the Ravens had over the Giants last week. I think they pull this one out too. Pick: Baltimore

Chicago at Detroit

Aaron: For Chicago to make the playoffs, the Bears need to win here and hope Minnesota loses to Green Bay.  Sounds like an awful lot of good fortune considering the storm cloud that perpetually follows Jay Cutler's pouty frown around.  Pick: Chicago

Joe: Detroit is riding an incredibly sad first-to-worst trajectory that can't possibly be redeemed even by knocking a division rival out of the playoffs. But they might as well give it a try. Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Tennessee

Aaron: The 2-13 Jaguars remain in contention for the first pick in next year's draft. They've already defeated the Titans earlier this season, so a win here does nothing for no one.  Kind of like Maggie in the "Lisa on Ice" episode of The Simpsons just before she catches the beer bottle that was hurtling towards Homer's head.  If only she were real, eh, Jacksonville?  Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Hard to imagine how Jacksonville's season could have gone downhill so steeply after losing their only good player to injury. Pick: Tennessee

Houston at Indianapolis

Aaron: There are unquestionably more grotesque stories in the news this holiday season, but let's find a way to give an honorable mention to the Arian Foster fantasy owners who groused about his unavailability last week -- due to an irregular heartbeat -- in relation to their fantasy playoff prospects.  Pick: Houston

Joe: New Year's Eve Eve in Indianapolis! Just like Irving Berlin wrote about! Pick: Houston

Carolina at New Orleans

Aaron: Let's recap: earlier in the season Panthers QB Cam Newton was getting nonsensically crushed for bad body language on the sideline and in postgame interviews.  Last week, he deliberately bumped the referee in a game against one of the league's worst teams and now he's nonsensically hailed as "intense" and a "team leader"?  Got it.  Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Football fans are kind of the worst. Meanwhile, what a sad 8-8 season for the Saints this will have been. Bounties and punishments and injuries and 5-interception games. Their NFL Films highlight video is just going to be the Drew Brees/One Direction ad over and over again. Pick: New Orleans

Philadelphia at NY Giants

Aaron: Remember that scene in Major League where Roger Dorn defends his refusal to dive for a ball by explaining how he's not going to put himself at physical risk for his teammates ("a bunch of stiffs") when he's so close to free agency?  Yeah, that'll be Michael Vick filling in for Corbin Bernsen this week.  Pick: NY Giants

Joe: And so begins Project Don't Let the Bills Sign Michael Vick. Pick: NY Giants

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The chasm between QB Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers coaching staff is going to come to a head very soon.  Head coach Mike Tomlin looks increasingly overrated -- more "motivator" than Xs and Os coach.  His resume is impressive, even if all of the success was sustained years ago, so he's got all the qualifications to be an Oakland Raiders employee by 2014.  Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Well, we've already got the Steelers knocked out of the playoffs. Maybe we can go in for a losing record as well? Pick: Cleveland

Arizona at San Francisco

Aaron: At home and against an inferior opponent, the 49ers will probably hang 50+ points as some sort of "response" to their humiliating defeat last week.  Good.  Hopefully, this reminds America why we should be united in rooting against them when the playoffs start.  Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Really excited to see how Niners QB Chris Kirkpatrick fares in the upcoming playoffs. Pick: San Francisco

St. Louis at Seattle

Aaron: The transformation of Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll from laughingstock of the NFL coaching ranks into this affable, smirking genius isn't all that remarkable.  In fact, baseball fans like me saw it when incompetent Texas Rangers manager Bobby Valentine landed in Queens.  If this ends with Carroll ruining New England sometime in 2022, I'll wait it out.  Pick: Seattle

Joe: So who decided it was a good idea to feed the Seattle Seahawks after midnight? Huh? The cryptic, weird Asian "celestial" stereotype at the curio shop SPECIFICALLY said not to! Pick: Seattle

Oakland at San Diego

Aaron: And, so...just 48 hours after Raiders head coach Dennis Allen went on record criticizing back-up QB Terrelle Pryor's practice habits, knowledge of the playbook and grasp of fundamentals...Pryor was announced as the starter here. NO ONE doubts it was owner Mark Davis who made the call in response to loud, know-nothing fans who thought QB Carson Fucking Palmer should've had this team playing in February. Honestly, you guys.  Been a fan since I was seven years old.  But, this shit...  Pick: San Diego

Joe: Okay, ONE more win for Norv Turner. But that's it! In other news, Project Don't Let the Bills Hire Norv Turner. Pick: San Diego

Green Bay at Minnesota

Aaron: With the single-season rushing record within reach, Vikings RB Adrian Peterson will rack up a kajillion carries and everyone on the field knows it.  Also, predictable?'s Bill Simmons will make a kajillion references to "Tecmo Bo Jackson" about it on his podcast come Monday.  Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Come on, Packers. If you can't get up for spitefully denying a hated rival a spot in the playoffs, what can you get up for? Pick: Green Bay

Miami at New England

Aaron: I always look forward to the "warm-weather team plays in cold weather" narrative.  The one that dutifully ignores the fact that NO ONE likes playing in cold weather and the fans who pay to sit outside in these temperatures are crazy people and shouldn't be romanticized.  Pick: New England


Kansas City at Denver

Aaron: Any team that steadfastly sticks with QB Brady Quinn has clearly stopped giving any expletives, whatsoever -- a sh*t, a f*ck, a sh*tf*ck. Take your pick.  Pick: Denver

Joe: Oh, Denver. Taking an 11-game win streak into the playoffs. Enjoy that divisional-round home loss. Pick: Denver

Dallas at Washington

Aaron: Is it possible to bet on where Redskins QB Robert Griffin III will rank when the first fantasy football projections come out next summer?  Overall top five, right?  Third behind Adrian Peterson and Arian Foster?  And, will his 2013 performance be impacted by his inevitable "Madden 14" cover?  Can we bet on this?!  Pick: Washington

Joe: The NFC East can't be decided this cleanly, can it? Pick: Dallas


Jeff Hansen said...

My spite is unquenchable. Die, Viking, Die!

(I would have bellowed that as I typed, but Vikings fans probably would have barged into my hotel room and keelhauled me.)

Anonymous said...

Little disappointed that you and Joe are not continuing into the playoffs, not that you stood any sort of chance of beating him!