Thursday, December 4, 2008

TBG's 2008 NFL Pickin' - Week #14

Oakland at San Diego
Aaron: Way to sell the merits of your exciting Thursday night schedule, NFL Network! This - this - is the biggest game of the season for the Chargers and their miserable fan base, so let the trash talk and victory parade commence at game's end. I'll still have three more weeks to watch Tomlinson sitting dejectedly on the bench by himself with that ridiculous shaded helmet hiding his classy, classy tears. Ass. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Wait, wait, wait. I thought I was supposed to be the bitter hometown fan while YOU were the snarky, detached cool guy. We really should clear this up before we pick the Sunday games. Pick: San Diego

Washington at Baltimore
Aaron: Clinton Portis has been playing injured all season. He's currently being held together with Scotch Tape and twine and may explode on contact with the Ravens' defense. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I'm starting to become a believer in this Ravens team. HA! Y'all are fucked now, Baltimore fans! Pick: Baltimore

Cleveland at Tennessee
Aaron: How did LenDale White get away with publicly griping about his lack of involvement in the team's offense, then get rewarded with 500 carries in the very next game? Oh, LenDale White. I see. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: So is this Ken Dorsey for the Browns the QB from Miami? I wonder how his arrogant cries of "The U!" will sound from four feet deep in Tennessee's Former Adelphia Coliseum. Pick: Tennessee

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: A year from now, when Donovan McNabb is finishing up his first season in Chicago or Minnesota, he'll look especially awful in a late-season game in bad weather. This is the prequel. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I put the over/under on high-handed Plaxico Burress lectures by the FOX crew (please be Joe Buck, please be Joe Buck!) at 99, while the over/under on tasteless jokes about sweatpants and the "shotgun" formation that show a sense of humor about the whole situation is at 2. Take the under on the latter. Pick: NY Giants

Atlanta at New Orleans
Aaron: Let's see... in this week's ESPN Magazine: (1) Matt Ryan is on the cover. (2) Kim Kardashian offers advice on "How to be an NFL Girlfriend". Stay relevant, Saints. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I should know the answer to this, but it's escaping me: what was the genesis of your irrational Saints hatred again? Not that it's not totally amusing, I'm just curious. Pick: New Orleans

Cincinnati at Indianapolis
Aaron: The Colts have a soft December schedule and look like a team that suckers us all into thinking they'll go farther than the second round of the playoffs. Quit copying the 2006-07 Chargers, Indy. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: It's kind of bizarre to see the Bengals play for next year when, by all indications, they're gonna suck like crazy next year too. Pick: Indianapolis

Houston at Green Bay
Aaron: The Packers are playing for their season each week and got punched in the mouth at home last week. Green Bay will make orphans out of a few Texans' kids. ("Yes, but I imagine their mothers will die of grief.") Pick: Green Bay

Joe: They've been playing for their season for the past two weeks, and they've given up 86 points in that span. With Matt Schaub back under center at Houston, they have cause to be worried. Still, they're at home. Pick: Green Bay

Minnesota at Detroit
Aaron: On the bright side, the Lions would have to be the favorites versus inter-city "whose year's been sh*ttier?" rivals Kwame Kilpatrick and the American auto industry. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: If those two fat Williamses were still suspended, I was all set to pick the Lions to get their first win of the season. Probably not now. Pick: Minnesota

Jacksonville at Chicago
Aaron: That whole "team travels three time zones" storyline gained traction earlier this year, but for my money, it doesn't get any lazier than the ol' "warm weather team plays in cold weather" chestnut. Pick: Chicago

Joe: After the Jaguars basically played at half-speed last week on national television, I wonder if there's a gambler in the country who would put their money on them now. Pick: Chicago

N.Y. Jets at San Francisco
Aaron: I dunno. Favre and the Jets are travelling across three time zones here. Three! And, that was quite the generic storyline earlier this year. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Yeah, but they're traveling the good way across the country. The way that energizes you and puts you three whole hours AHEAD of everyone else. Kind of like how I'm three hours ahead of -- and thus better than -- you at any given time. Pick: NY Jets

Kansas City at Denver
Aaron: A win by Denver gives the AFC West to the Broncos, so there's that for motivation. On an unrelated note, I'm playing Cutler over Romo in my money league this week, so there's that for picking KC. Pick: Denver

Joe: I wonder if a team has ever been a 20-point underdog at home in the playoffs like Denver's destined to be. Joe Flacco, this team's defense is our eventual Christmas gift to you! Pick: Denver

Miami at Buffalo
Aaron: We do love us some Bill Simmons bashing here at "Aaron and Joe's Cavalcade of Whimsy" and sometimes he really deserves it. In his Friday column, he points to the relocation of this game from Western NY to Toronto as being an advantage for the Bills! And, he uses the Toronto fans as his explanation! He does know the roof's going to be closed, right? No? Jerk. Pick: Miami

Joe: Bill can get back to me in the middle of the first quarter, after the third massive "GO LEAFS GO!" chant. Assholes. Pick: Miami

Dallas at Pittsburgh
Aaron: Just to running back for the Cowboys means the Steelers ferocious defense can focus on pressuring Dallas QB Tony Nine Fingers and his gag-in-the-big-game gaggle of receivers. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: You know, I stopped touting the Steelers as a Super Bowl-caliber team when I stopped believing in their offense ('round about that Eagles game). But now I'm wondering if they have a chance to be that kind of defense-first AFC champion that all the Tennessee dick-suckers are saying the Titans can be. Pick: Pittsburgh

St. Louis at Arizona
Aaron: Looks like a Certain Someone's been forsaking Kurt Warner these last few weeks! Thankfully, "He only gives us challenges that He knows we can conquer" - Rams Suck 3:16 Pick: Arizona

Joe: I'm still trying to figure out what to get Anquan Boldin this Christmas for saving my fantasy season. You think diamonds would be too forward? Pick: Arizona

New England at Seattle
Aaron: Matt Cassel is going to turn a few huge games versus some terrible opponents into a ginormous free agent contract this offseason. If he's smart, he'll pick San Francisco, just so he'll get to play Seattle twice next year. Pick: New England

Joe: Plus all those fantastic rainy Christmases! Pick: New England

Tampa Bay at Carolina
Aaron: "Jake Delhomme versus even a passable defense" trumps "Jake Delhomme at home". Every time. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: The Bucs defense are going to, by and large, shut down the Panthers offense. En route to a 13-7 loss. Pick: Carolina

The Sure-Thing Suicide Spread
Aaron: Tampa Bay (+3) at Carolina
Joe: Minnesota at Detroit (+10)

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