Some quick San Diego Fun Facts: The average temperature in March is 66.7 degrees. We have the sixth lowest crime rate in America and the smallest murder rate among cities with populations greater than one million. In a completely unrelated note, only 10.8% of the population is African-American.
San Diego also happens to have the worst sports writing in America.
Nick Canepa is the septuagenarian scribe for our ultra-conservative, right-wing rag The San Diego Union-Tribune. He's one of those whiny old white guys who surely starts every sentence with phrases like "Back in my day…" and ends them with "…(racial epithet, plural) knew their place."
Today, he's covering the colossally uninteresting non-story of the Chargers' new uniforms. With apologies to my friends at Fire Joe Morgan, it's time for some TBG-ery (Canepa's words are in italics):
Sportswriters, as a rule, are not clotheshorses, merely horses.
I actually had to look up "clotheshorse" in the dictionary, kids. I consider myself what Canepa would call "a well-spoken, articulate Negro", but I'd never heard this word before today. In my dictionary, I found the year 1775 listed next to "clotheshorse" which, according to the good people at Merriam-Webster, is its first recorded use.
(And, likely the last, according to my vernacular calendar.)
Sure, there are stallions among our breed of nags. As excellent examples, my natty colleagues Jim Trotter and Kevin Acee dress for football games as if they've just arrived from their weddings. Not that there's anything wrong with that. They're quite stunning.
I tried my best to confirm that both Trotter and Acee are Black, but I'm only reasonably sure about Trotter. Of course, the "brothers" are all snappy dressers, aren't they, Nick? With their conks and zoot suits and 23-skadoos…
But I know what looks good; although I also know clothes don't make the football player, either. Put the 2006 Raiders in Vera Wang jerseys, Dolce & Gabbana trousers, Salvatore Ferragamo shoes, accessorize with Gucci helmets, and you're still going to have your basic silver and black – and two wins.
Oh, snap! Was that Raiders-bashing?! How sneaky and unique! Speaking of wins, here's how many wins the Raiders had in January: zero. Now, here's how many wins the Chargers had in January: zero.
Of course, only the Chargers played in January, but you already knew that.
Al Davis is not Al Lauren. What would Mr. Blackwell do to Big Al? White leisure suits and that "Mean Streets" hair-do? Al, wake up and smell the Donna Karan – and stay off the red carpet, where Joan Rivers' face will break if she sees you.
Wait…when did Joan Rivers and Al Davis become fodder for bad comics? Why didn't I get this memo? Have we been allowed to bash them since the start of 2007 or was this bill signed into law sometime sooner?
As you may have guessed, I never had attended a fashion show until yesterday afternoon, when the Chargers threw one at the revamped, posh, U.S. Grant Hotel, to unveil their new uniforms. And, yes, there was a runway in the room, like the one Lucy Ricardo walked when she wore that Don Loper tweed suit in Hollywood.
I Love Lucy debuted on October 15, 1951.
The uniform change was a long time in the making. Chargers COO Jim Steeg, not exactly Fred Astaire, came up with the idea…
Fred Astaire was born on May 10, 1899. And, wasn't he famous for dancing, not "clotheshorsing"? I'll ask my grampy for a ruling on this.
He did good. The Chargers didn't get fashion stupid, like Denver or Seattle.
Total Super Bowl wins for the Denver Broncos since they changed their uniforms in 1997 to their current style: 2
Total Super Bowl appearances for the Seattle Seahawks since they changed their uniforms in 2002 to their current style: 1
Total Super Bowl wins and/or appearances for the San Diego Chargers since 1997: 0
True. It was time, which as noted in "Citizen Kane," waits for no football player, but part of the reason was because the previous unis were not striking.
Citizen Kane was released on May 1, 1941. Way to keep it timely, Nicky. And, I'm pretty sure that no "football player" is mentioned in the movie, unless you were trying to be funny. To that, I say stick with the ubiquitous "Rosebud" quote if you're looking for comedic source material.
It worked for Orson Welles' "Rosebud" frozen peas. They're full of country goodness and green pea-ness…!
And so the fashion show began, with team radio tonsil/MC Josh Lewin calling this "a monumental moment . . . historic." Sort of like Pearl Harbor.
The Pearl Harbor bombing happened on December 7, 1941. The Pearl Harbor movie (A Jerry Bruckheimer Production/A Michael Bay Film) was released on May 25, 2001. I'm pretty sure Canepa was referencing the bombing.
Football unis are like Twinkies (not on yesterday's menu). It's what's inside.
Twinkies were invented on April 6, 1930 and haven't been relevant as a societal pop culture reference since the soft, phallic junk food experienced a minor uptick in popularity during the 1970s when Hostess introduced mascot "Twinkie the Kid" in 1971.
You stay classy, Nick Canepa.