TBG Eats: Taco Bell's NEW Fully Loaded Salad (Now UPDATED with Steak!)

Current Weight: 169.0 lbs.

There are three types of fast food customers I can't stand.

(1) The "special needs" people who are inevitably in front of me in the drive-thru. They're the ones who turn a two minute process into 20 minutes of torment. I'll spot them the "Whopper with extra onions and no mayo" type of order. It's when they start asking for a Whopper "with that bacon-ranch sauce, instead of mayonnaise" or sincerely inquiring about the cheese BK uses and whether it's "real cheddar". I've heard both examples within the confines of The King in the past month.

(2) The "how big is a large" people. Mrs. Bootleg just so happens to be the most egregious offender here. I mean, how many goddam personal pan pizzas does someone have to eat before realizing they're ALL about seven inches in diameter? Oftentimes, the sizes are on display near the counter, anyway, or you're forced to rely on the awkward hand gestures and inaccurate descriptions from the G.E.D. ringing up your order.

(3) The "this doesn't look like the picture" people. Truth be told, Michael Douglas forever retired this tired cliché in Falling Down, but after almost 20 years, it's time for a comeback…

If you're reading this lightly-read blog, I'm assuming you've seen Taco Bell's new ad campaign for their Fully Loaded Salads: two dudes sitting poolside can't find the lettuce in their "salads". Unfortunately, I couldn't find the spot online or I'd have included it here.

After surviving TB's Fully Loaded Nachos, I went all in for a Fully Loaded Salad. Your choices are Chipotle Steak or Chicken Ranch…I opted for the latter, which (according to Taco Bell's website) is served with grilled chicken, zesty ranch dressing and LOADED with beans, cheese and rice. Mine - see below - was also LOADED with lettuce and LOADED with reduced-fat sour cream (which is akin to daytime, non-drowsy Thera-Flu or decaf coffee*).

Look, the salad was fine. I only needed about a quarter of the dressing packet and after a few stirs with my plastic fork, I had a gloriously gloppy mess of an inside-out chicken burrito staring back at me. The meat is surprisingly well-seasoned, while the refried beans hold it all together and go with everything – up to and including the deep fried flour tortilla "bowl".

But, come on, Taco Bell. In the commercial, the punchline is that this is "technically" a salad. In reality, it qualifies on all counts.

UPDATE!: Late last week, I completed TB's set of Fully Loaded Salads with a gourmand's conquest of the Chipotle Steak version. Aside from the difference in meat – and Taco Bell's carne asada has always been disappointingly sweet, overly chewy and obviously reheated – this salad comes with a decent little dressing that's creamy, but with a bit of a spicy kick and more flavor that the ranch topping used on the chicken salad.

Follow the eating instructions as outlined above with the Chicken Ranch salad and you'll have a similar "imploded burrito" experience with this one. I can't score this one as high as the Chicken Ranch salad, though. Let's do the math: the Chipotle Steak salad comes with better-tasting dressing, but the Chicken Ranch has better meat.

And, if there's one tie-breaking factor in MY salad…it's the meat.

Grade (Chicken Ranch): 3.5 (out of 5)

Grade (Chipotle Steak): 3

* - I'm almost certain that I used this same joke about reduced-fat sour cream in an earlier TBG post, right down to the Thera-Flu and decaf comparisons. If so, I'm sorry. If so and you missed it the first time, just ignore this footnote. Cool? Cool.

TBG TV: Lost - "Follow the Leader"

The Good:

Oh, bloody-faced Jack…how I could watch the everlovin' sh*t get kicked out of you in every episode. The writers of the show are famously tuned in to the mood of their viewers and I can't help but think that the abbreviated TV beatdown of the good doctor was a nod to the anti-Jack faction of the audience.

It's early. It's very, very early…but, this "Locke with a purpose" character arc is all kinds of awesome. For the first four-plus seasons, Locke was nothing but asking questions and pathetic naiveté. Now, he knows all the answers while Ben and Richard can only exchange confused looks at one another. Love it, love it, love it.

Most of the online reaction to this episode – that I've read, anyway – has been centered around Kate and criticizing her for not going along with Faraday's (and now Jack's) grand plan. In reality (well, "television reality") this is a brilliant bit of character development. Frankly, there hasn't been enough in-show storyline skepticism of some of the more mind-bending ideas and island characteristics. Kate's reaction is the same as mine would be: the detonation of a hydrogen bomb is gonna solve all our problems? Really? Because Bushwhacker Locke and an alcoholic doctor say so? And, besides, didn't the plane crash and island experience already fix Kate's f'd up life?

Allow me to be the one millionth blogger to mention how hilarious Dr. Chang's interrogation of Hurley was ("You're 46 years old?"). Hurley's bojangling (yes, it can cross ethnicities) only works when he's got an effective straight man and, in this instance, it was a brilliantly-delivered back-and-forth.

Alice Evans – as young Eloise Hawking – stepped up with yet another powerful performance by a season five supporting character. Her promise to Jack that she'd believe anything he told her, no matter how fantastic, was a wonderfully desperate moment.

Radzinsky usurping Horace's command was appropriate and way overdue. It easy to see how an impotent leader like Horace could let his group be infiltrated right under his nose. Radzinsky's raging paranoia fit the moment and his all the right notes.

If Ben's lookaway – when Richard mistakenly surmises that Locke didn't die and Locke quickly corrects him – doesn't nab Michael Emerson an Emmy, then nothing will.


The Bad:

I'm a little surprised the Dharma guys didn't slap around Juliet a little sooner, once it became clear that Sawyer wasn't going to talk. There's wasn't even an empty threat sent her way before Phil gave her a taste of his pimp hand.

And, now that Juliet has once again been reduced to making sad faces and stuck in the role as 60 degrees of the Sawyer-Kate-Juliet equilateral love triangle, I'm beginning to come to grips with the increasing possibility of her demise in next week's season finale. I really thought the writers had established her a little more strongly than she's been written recently.


Verdict: Only a terribly disappointing season finale could ruin what's been the best season of the series, so far. Admittedly, the previews for next week didn't seem to have that singular hook that blew my mind, so I hope they're just saving the good stuff for those of us who tune in. Another terrific episode this week, kids.

TBG Drinks: Great White Beer

Brewed By: Lost Coast Brewery
Brewed In: Eureka, California
Type: Witbier (White Beer)
ABV: 4.8%

What They Say: "A Crisp beer with a hint of citrus, made with two-row malted barley, unmalted wheat, a secret blend of Humboldt herbs, crystal clear mountain water and ale yeast."

Website: AAUUUUUGH! The neon spirals and trippy fonts may be appropriate for the company's Humboldt County roots, but after eight seconds my eyes began bleeding. Points for the uncluttered left-hand navigation and the nine distinctive labels/logos in the center of the page. Each logo leads to a brief beer description, while the links are combination of the usual (awards, brewery history, photo gallery) and the unique – particularly the "media kit", which is great idea and an area for "collectors". There are really people who collect beer coasters, bottle caps and labels? Really?!

Why I Picked It: This was one of two beers that m'man Smitty brought down with him when we hooked up for last month's Angels/A's game in Anaheim. Since Smitty is only three weeks older than me and already on the waiting list for donors to replace most of his major internal organs, I trust his libation recommendations.

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Presentation (5): The label is 50% Picasso, 50% California. It's more than a little clichéd, too, right down to the "shark bite" out of the surfboard – to say nothing of the surfboard – and the sun setting behind the palm tree. Hell, even the beer's name is uninspired. I'm feeling generous, though, so I'll hand over a pair of points for the irony of a Black guy drinking one of these and my inherent West Coast bias (RIP Tupac). 2

Originality (5): I guess we can't call cloudy Belgian ales "original", can we? A little bit of internet research showed that "white beers" were very popular with independent and amateur brewers a few years ago, but the fad died down once the ceiling was reached and numerous high-quality witbiers began flooding the market. 1

Body (10): The thin milky-gold pour was a nice, aesthetic sight. On the side of the bottle were instructions to save two fingers of beer behind, swirl vigorously and then pour into the glass. This made for a fat bottom to go with a fizzy, quick-dissipating head and a low level of lacing. 6

Taste (10): Maybe it's the assorted asthma and allergy medication I'm currently on, but I had a hard time discerning the flavors here. There were certainly notes of spice like coriander, some citrusy goodness not unlike lemon zest and a bit of barely-there yeasty wheat bread; however I was ¾ of the way through a 22 oz. bottle before I could confirm all the tastes on my tongue. 5

Efficiency (10): Light and effervescent, it's easy to imagine throwing back a couple of big bottles in no time at all. Mouthfeel can only take you so far, though. The 4.8% ABV keeps this one from the upper echelon of efficiency. I'm not sure if there's any way to take off the ABV training wheels from a witbier, but I hope there's one out there with a grown-up alcohol-by-volume number. 4

Versatility (10): I have enough female friends and co-workers to know that light, bubbly, lemon-tasting beers are BIG with the b*tches. (Oh, you know I'm kidding, ladies.) This would be a good social beer if you're buying a round for the office at happy hour or something to have on hand for the hot neighbor you've been wanting to ask out. (Just don't tell my wife.) 8

Grade: 26 (out of 50) – Good beer

The above format has been lifted with permission from That Beer Snob Guy.

TBG Eats: Taco Bell's NEW 89-cent Chicken Burrito

Current Weight: 168.2 lbs.

One of the unspoken joys of eating so much fast food is the occasional surprisingly delicious menu item. For example, when Taco Bell introduced the Volcano Taco, I predicted "gimmicky" – red shell, supposedly spicy sauce – and ended up with glorious.

Unfortunately, TB continues to jerk customers around with their "here today, gone tomorrow" approach to menu construction. The Volcano Taco disappeared earlier this year and, a few days ago, I discovered that TB invoked their "for a limited time only" clause on its excellent 89-cent five-layer nachos.

In its place on the Value Menu were two "new" entries. However, I'm calling for an immediate bullsh*t review on what TB is referring to as their "new" chicken soft taco. They've had this on their menu for at least 20 years. The "new" appellation is more like a loophole, as TB has changed their chicken provider, the preparation method or both. Boo.

The other bit of "new-ness" on the 89-cent side is a grilled chicken burrito. Stuffed with a small, but decent amount of chicken, cheddar cheese and seasoned rice, the real kicker is the avocado-ranch sauce that's drizzled atop the other ingredients. Don't ask me how this teal-colored concoction carries the burrito's other uninspired innards, but it does! Tangy and creamy – while tasting nothing like either ranch dressing or avocado – it's one of the more unique flavors from a chain that's built an empire on its familiar faux Mexican products.

I've got no clue how long this'll be around, so get it while you can, kids. At less than a buck, you really can't go wrong, but TB could easily fatten these up with more superfluous filler (lettuce, tomato…ditch the rice) and double the amount of sauce for another dollar or so.

Boy, does that bachelor's degree in marketing come in handy sometimes, or what?

Grade: 4.5 (out of 5)

TBG TV: Lost - "The Variable"

The Good:

Even though both of this episode's Faraday-related twists were a bit telegraphed, it was another knockout performance by Jeremy Davies. That final scene – with Faraday's 1977 mother standing over him and Faraday in disbelief over what she'd eventually do – was terrific television.

"Your son is Benjamin Linus?" "Good Lord, no!"

The Bad:

OK, what am I missing here? Earlier in the season, I thought Faraday had established that whatever has happened or is happening or will happen cannot be changed. For example, when Jack refused to help a gravely wounded Boy Ben, we all knew he was destined to survive, somehow. Now, Faraday's convinced he CAN make changes to the timeline? Unless I'm grossly misinterpreting this huge plot point, this seems like a critique that should be getting discussed more.

So…Faraday has "no time" to explain why he's searching for "the hostiles" when everyone is sitting around Sawyer's living room. But, out in the jungle – deep within the hostiles' territory – Jack, Kate and Faraday are kicked back, passing around the canteen and pausing for exposition. Look, I'm glad we're getting answers to questions in the same episode and all, but c'mon writers…tighten it up a little.

I guess I understand why Sawyer's reign of leadership was written to be such a cataclysmic failure. Now, Jack is re-established as the alpha male and tasked with carrying out Faraday's ill-fated scheme. Still, it's disappointing that everyone abandoned Sawyer. His "you were right" scene with Juliet was downright heartbreaking for a character that – after four seasons – I actually had come around on.

Verdict: Hmm…you'd think I didn't like this episode, but it was arguably the best of what's been a superlative season, so far. There were a lot of little things (Faraday's awkward gun handling; Miles refusing to confirm Faraday's "from the future" claim; Sawyer still trying to lie ("That sound came from outside") to Radzinsky and the Dharma team even though his charade had completely crumbled) that made me appreciate the show's underutilized knack for nuanced storytelling.

The Tee-Ball Chronicles #5

Entering our penultimate game of the season, the Rays were down two players and one coach. That left 100% of the cat herding up to me for the afternoon.

Pre-Game - Y'all remember m'man Kimo, right? The Rays' best player…never smiles…only five-year-old on earth with facial hair. Well, before the game, he was going up to each child on the Dodgers and telling them, "You're my enemy. You're going down." I am not making this up. One of the other coaches heard this and tried to play the "we're all friends here" nonsense with my best player. I hustled Kimo away before any of his killer instinct was snuffed out (or before he killed that meddling coach).

Bottom of the 1st - And, do you guys remember (My NAME is) Alexander? Insufferable…selfish…completely bereft of any tee-ball talent. He was playing shortstop today, when a player from the Dodgers just plowed through him while rounding second base.

Both kids picked themselves off the ground and when Alexander tried to apologize, the baserunner started yelling and screaming at him in a transparent attempt to pick a fight. I broke up the impending preschool UFC show and Alexander buried his head in my bony hip, fighting back tears. Not one adult from the Dodgers' side attempted to intervene. Oh, it's f*cking ON. No one does that to one of my kids. (Yes, Alexander is back in the "family".)

Top of the 2nd - By pure coincidence, the douche-boy who smoked my shortstop is now playing first base, where I've stationed myself as the first base coach. His name is Jonathan and he's standing directly on the bag. I briefly think about telling him to move, before realizing that Kimo will be batting later in the inning. The possibilities…please me. Unfortunately, the second batter – my son, Jalen – reaches base and Jonathan tries to push him off.

OK, when Jonathan is a little older, he'll notice things like "the only two Black guys on a baseball diamond are probably related" and act accordingly. For now, I just grabbed the little sh*t by his arm and told him where to stand when he's playing first base.

At the end of the inning, Jonathan got popped in the mouth with a throw from second base. I actually had almost 100 more words in this space before reconsidering the tone, so I'll end it by saying the kid was alright. The little bit of blood was washed away by a torrent of tears. How did I feel about it? Like this.

YOUR Oakland A'ssessment - April 2009

Record: 8-11

Offense: The A's finished April last in the league in batting average (.237), slugging percentage (.322), OPS (.634) and next to last in on-base percentage (.313). The HUGE upgrades to the lineup – all of which were lavishly praised by the Billy Beane-loving local media – performed well below their over-inflated expectations. 1B Jason Giambi (.303 SLG) spent the month hitting balls ten feet in front of the warning track. SS Orlando Cabrera (.611 OPS) tried to break out of his slump by…bunting?! And, Matt Holliday (.648 OPS) – two weeks into the season – inexplicably stopped trying to drive the ball and seemed content with going the other way and settling for dink-n-dunk singles.

Incumbents Kurt Suzuki (.343/.392/.463) and Jack Cust (.415 OBP, team-leading TWO(??) home runs) have been very good. Cust, especially, should be singled out for shortening up on two strikes and being more aggressive on borderline pitches.

Defense: Giambi has somehow started eleven games at first base. In the 2009 Baseball Prospectus book, there's a line comparing Giambi's range to that of a "kneecapped fire hydrant". After watching him this season, I think we should sign the fire hydrant for late-inning defense. Eric Chavez look just about done, too. When he wasn't hitting, his glovework (and ginormous contract) kept him in the lineup. Now, he's part of a three-headed third base hydra of defensive liability with Nomar Garciaparra and Bobby Crosby. Cabrera, at least, has been terrific at times.

Starting Pitching: As of this writing, only one starting pitcher is sporting an ERA under 5.00. Dallas Braden (3-2, 2.10 ERA) hasn't been lights out, as the early returns on his pedestrian K/9 rate (5.4) show. But, I love his mound presence and still believe his cockiness is just what this callow staff needs to see every fifth day. The kids – Brett Anderson (5.01 ERA) and Trevor Cahill (5.40 ERA) – have taken their lumps, but have had their moments. Cahill took a no-hitter into the seventh vs. Seattle and Anderson held the mighty Texas offense to one earned run over five-plus innings earlier this week, before the bullpen crapped the bed. Dana Eveland (2.085(!) WHIP) has been abominable and Josh Outman is crazy miscast as a starter.

Relief Pitching: In 2008, Jerry Blevins was terrific out of the pen, pitching in 36 games with an ERA of 3.11. This year, he failed to retire the one batter he faced on April 10 and then gave up four runs in less than an inning on April 15. He was summarily banished to Triple-A solely for making the rest of the relievers looks bad. Can't ask too much more of these guys. Erstwhile Cub Michael Wuertz (2.13 ERA), former Senior League standout Russ Springer (1.74 ERA) and if-he-was-pitching-on-the-east-coast-you'd-have-heard-of-this-rookie Andrew Bailey (3 hits in 15.2 innings) have been ab-fab. Brad Ziegler is still NOT a closer, but he's pitched well enough (1.74 ERA, 4 saves).

Defining Moment of the Month: April 28 vs. Rangers…the A's lost FOUR players to injury in one game (Garciaparra, Ellis, Anderson, Casilla) and then lost the game, 5-4.