Saturday, September 25, 2010

2010 NFL Pickery -- Week #3

Last Week:

Joe: 10-6
Aaron: 8-8
Tom: 7-9


Joe: 21-11
Aaron: 17-15
Tom: 17-15

Cleveland at Baltimore

Aaron: To all the Ravens fans complaining about Baltimore's early schedule (this is the team's first home game of the season, three of their first four games (and four of their first six) are on the road): Remember that the rest of us have had to endure those Ray Lewis body wash commercials all season. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: It's wildly unlikely that Seneca Wallace is going to be the guy to break the vise grip the Ravens defense has had on opposing offenses. ("The vise grip X's defense has had on opposing offenses" can be found in the 4th edition of "Pro Football Commentary for Dummies and ESPN Employees.") Pick: Baltimore

Cincinnati at Carolina

Aaron: I can't even pass as a casual college football fan, but – like the rest of America – I'm rooting against new Carolina QB Jimmy Clausen. And, while it's easy to loathe any player who suited up for Notre Dame, I genuinely wonder how much of my hatred stems from the whole "grown man with a first name that ends in 'y'" thingie. And, also his face. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Wow, Cam. Rickey is so disappointed in you right now. Pick: Cincinnati

[ED. NOTE: "Rickey" ends in "-ey". Totally different from the juvenile "-y" ending, jerk. Or have you forgotten Black History Month icons Bookerey T. Washington and Special Deliverey [sic] Jones?]

Dallas at Houston

Aaron: I've never gotten into the nationwide disdain for the Dallas Cowboys. I get it, of course, but are you telling me you'd root against the Cowboys if they were playing, say, New England? What if "any team quarterbacked by Brett Favre" lined up against the Dallas D? You'd be pro-Cowboys then, right? That said…finish them, Texans. Pick: Houston

Joe: It'd be easier for me to hate the Cowboys if I didn't harbor a secret fondness for Tony Romo. Of course, I'd like nothing better than to see Wade Phillips's doughy behind cast out on his ass mid-season. But this feels like a "not so fast" moment, both for the Texans bandwagon (of which I am happily a member) and the Cowboys' funeral procession. Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay

Aaron: Charlie Batch gets the start for the Steelers this week. With the way their defense is playing, Batch could play like…well, himself, and still get votes for "most inexplicably successful light-skinned African-American celebrity of the week". I'm rooting for you, Charlie. The 52-week reign of Drake isn't going to be easy to end. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Expect a consistent string of ugly, close, defense-dominated games for Pittsburgh, at least until Dr. Feelgood returns at QB. ...At which point maybe the NFL might want to watch the fuck out. Pick: Pittsburgh

Tennessee at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: Was Week #1's Colts v. Texans game NOT televised in the NY/NJ area? Not even the highlights?! Houston's formula to beat Indianapolis (run the goddam ball) seemed easy enough to follow for a Giants team that is more than capable of running the goddam ball. Instead, the Giants stupidly deferred the opening kickoff, gave up a quick score and then abandoned the run after the first 45 seconds. Why, yes, I did have internet gambling action on the Giants. Why do you ask? Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Considering how much room to maneuver the Giants handed Colts RB Donald Brown last week (DONALD BROWN!), I'm not having too hard a time envisioning Chris Johnson making them look silly. Pick: Tennessee

Atlanta at New Orleans

Aaron: With Reggie Bush expected to miss the next six weeks with a broken fibula, I think it's time to ask the question: Has Bush (not) done enough to unseat former WR Keyshawn Johnson as the "WAY more overrated in fantasy football than in real-life football and he's already pretty overrated in real-life football to begin with" champion? Discuss. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Well, Cam, your reasoning for picking Atlanta is solid (at least I assume it is, considering you eschewed any kind of analysis for a cheap shot at a crippled, Heisman-less man), but I need to opt for a few counter-measures this week. Picking the defending Super Bowl champs at home seems like a decent start. Pick: New Orleans

Buffalo at New England

Aaron: columnist Bill Simmons has been co-hosting Pardon the Interruption all week. A few days ago, he tried to articulate why Boston fans might be turning on Tom Brady. Paraphrasing Simmons' point(s): Boston is a working-class, salt-of-the-earth kind of town where haircuts cost $5 and the people grow up, but never leave. Who wants to tell Boston that Brady has never been ANY of these things? He was born and raised in affluence out here in California and attended college in Michigan. Maybe Boston's own Bill Simmons can tell them. From his home in California. Pick: New England

Joe: Well, shit I was going to go for the Beantown Turns on Brady talking point this week! Seriously, though, read Simmons's column for a comment for his pal G-Bug or J-Woww or whoever, which basically comes a millimeter short of calling Brady a fag. The guy who won their loser franchise 3 Super Bowls, mind you. Who would ever want to live in that hell-town? Pick: New England

Detroit at Minnesota

Aaron: Even though m'man Sage tried to talk me out of it, I laid some internet coin and took the Lions (+10.5) on the road here. Straight up, Minnesota should do enough to win by a touchdown or less. The Vikings schedule going forward is brutal, though. 1-7 isn't out of the realm of…oh, I'm so giddy at the prospect that I can hardly type! Pick: Minnesota

Joe: I like the Lions with the points too, but if any defense in the league is going to give Favre the Early Bird Special, as it were, it's probably Detroit. Pick: Minnesota

San Francisco at Kansas City

Aaron: The 49ers framed it as a moral victory, but it was still a heartbreaking loss at home to a Saints team that only seemed about 10% interested in the proceedings. The Chiefs aren't great, but they're at home and they'll show up. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: I kind of love that the Arrowhead Advantage is back in play for a Chiefs team I kind of like (but would like even better if Todd Haley would let goddamn Jamaal Charles play, for the love of fantasy football). That said, the Chiefs looked bad in beating Cleveland while the Niners looked good in a loss (including a shockingly sure-handed two-minute offense from Alex Smith). Pick: San Francisco

Washington at St. Louis

Aaron: Remember when Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan was lauded for his ability to produce a solid running game from the dregs of his Broncos roster? Sorry, coach, but Reuben Droughns isn't walking through that door. Neither are former Broncos Mike Anderson, Tatum Bell, Selvin Young or Clinton Portis. OK, OK...good Clinton Portis. The one that went to the Pro Bowl once or twice. Pick: Washington

Joe: Didn't this game happen a year or two ago. Mediocre Redskins team walks into the Whatever-Named Dome in St. Louis, gets upset by the lowly Rams, walks out a demoralized and despondent bunch? I'd love to pick it again, but Donovan McNabb does kind of eat these crappy teams for breakfast. Pick: Washington

Philadelphia at Jacksonville

Aaron: After a win over Denver in week #1 and a loss to the Chargers in week #2, the Jaguars have picked up one of those "I don't know what to make of this team" vibes. Really? After last week's obliteration, Jacksonville is anything but enigmatic. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: This is the truth. After five years of uncertainty, I finally have a handle on how to pick Jags' games. Pick: Philadelphia

San Diego at Seattle

Aaron: Seattle's 25-point win in San Francisco looks a LOT less impressive now that we've had two weeks of hindsight and paranoid press conferences to show us how dysfunctional the 49ers are. The Chargers next four games are this one, home to Arizona, at Oakland and at St. Louis. It's clobberin' time. Pick: San Diego

Joe: With a West Coast team like San Diego, us East Coast Elites don't get a ton of opportunity to watch the games, and thus depend on things like fantasy football analysts and Ron Jaworski. The first time I heard about Mike Tolbert stepping in as the Chargers' RB last season, his impact was compared to that of occasionally-electrifying wood sprite Darren Sproles. Then I saw Tolbert. Think a bowling ball with football pads, crossed with
Jason Whitlock. (Or if Whitlock's too esoteric and sportswriterly a reference, try LV from the "Gangsta's Paradise" video.) (...Fat black guy. He's a fat black guy.) Pick: San Diego

Indianapolis at Denver

Aaron: Peyton Manning's arm might outlive us all. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: As might the concept of uncertainty in the Broncos' backfield. Apparently Knowshown Moreno will be a No-Show Moreno this week. HA HA HA HA what? Pick: Indianapolis

Oakland at Arizona

Aaron: So, the Jason Campbell era ends after six quarters, as my Raiders will start Bruce Gradkowski at QB on Sunday. A desperate act from a desperate head coach who is working on a week-by-week basis at this point. Meh. I've heard worse mission statements. Pick: Oakland

Joe: I recall Gradkowski being surprisingly serviceable last season. Yet, I feel I'll stick with Bad Team At Home > Bad Team on Road. Pick: Arizona

N.Y. Jets at Miami

Aaron: The Jets aren't as good as they looked against the Patriots last week or as bad as they looked against the Ravens in week #1. But, the ingredients are here for one of those let-down games: fired-up home crowd, confident home team playing division rival and the fact that Jets QB Mark Sanchez has only posted back-to-back great games once in 20 starts: October 25, 2009 at Oakland and November 1, home to...
Miami? Damn it. Well, I'm not retyping this. Pick: Miami

Joe: The Dolphins did everything in their power to hand last week's game back to the Vikings. This week, I believe their efforts will pay off. Pick: NY Jets

Green Bay at Chicago

Aaron: Wait, wait, wait...the Bears won with some shaky officiating in week #1 and defeated a Cowboys team that hasn't looked good for one minute of 2010. And, from this, the Bears are "back"?! Sure, they are. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: While I do appreciate how the 2010 Bears have turned Cam into a grumpy old Jewish man ("From this I should be impressed? FEH!"), I think the Packers end up making them pay for mistakes the Lions and Cowboys couldn't. Pick: Green Bay


Jeff Hansen said...

I don't think people actually thought Reggie Bush was considered good even for fantasy purposes.

Tom said...

Let me speak for the rest of the NFC East by saying -- there is no conceivable way I'd root FOR the Cowboys. Even if they were playing against Ben Roethlisberger leading a team of puppy rapists.

Kay said...

Tom- you.

Anyhoo. Longtime Bears fan here (named my business after Walter Payton, mmmkay?) and I totally agree. We're going to get crushed. But the main reason I commented is to just say that I share the giddiness of the prospect of a losing season for the Vikings. Ah, that would be bliss. It would be like getting a brand new red Schwinn for Christmas. Or a pony.

Lew B said...

I know absolutely nothing about sports. I barely know the difference between a safety and a touchback (is that what it's called?)

Send me next weeks lineup and let me do my picks totally blind and see how they rack up to you bookies.

Elena said...

Cam, so help me, if you don't lay off the New England haterade I'm going to permanently rescind my eggplant parm offer. This shall not stand.

And by the way, as a Boston native, Pats follower and occasional listener of sports radio, I have to say this alleged shift against Tom Brady is not something I've noticed *at all*. I mean, I've bitched about his new 'do as much as anyone (Tom, honey? No.), but that's as far as it goes. Slow news week, perhaps?

Tom said...

You never let me down, Cowboys. A full week of NYC-based Cowboyfan chest-puffing awaits.

Aaron C. said...

I'd like to thank the gambling deities for enticing me with 10.5 points and the Lions on Sunday. Hope you enjoy my tithe. Make sure the referees who enveloped Brett Favre within their protective cocoon get a piece of my paycheck, too.

@Elena: In my Cowboys example, I was speaking of the *national* opinion of your Pats. I've rooted for your boys each year they've played the Chargers in the playoffs. See, there's one team I hate more than yours!

@Lew: I think you might be missing the point of these picks. Getting the games right is, like, third or fourth on the list of reasons why we do this. Hell, my wife beat a bunch of us in a straight-up pool one year.

@Tom: Should've saw it coming. Although, Kevin Walter's garbage time TD helped me win my week! So torn.

SHough610 said...

Cam, will you make the media stop with the "redemption" stories for Mike Vick? Seriously? He did his time! I'm just tired of it.

Ah well, back to watching the Phillies until football matters.