Tuesday, May 18, 2010

TBG Eats: The Original Bacon Explosion™

Current Weight: 168.8 lbs.

Here are the top three birthday gifts I've ever received (listed in chronological order):

My First 10-Speed Bike -- On a superficial level, growing up poor kind of sucked. My brother and I never owned name-brand clothes. My mother would add water to anything in hopes of getting a few more days worth of use out of a bottle of shampoo or a pot of chicken soup. And, I remain convinced that we were the last family on earth to own a microwave (1987), a VCR (1990) and an answering machine (1991). Of course, I love my parents. My brother and I never went hungry and always had a roof over our heads. For my 10th birthday, my parents bought me a fire-engine red 10-speed that instantly became the best-looking ride in our entire family. (Our family car at the time was a gold
1982 Subaru hatchback, so...you be the judge.)

Optimus Prime -- My birthday is in late March, but it was during the Christmas before my 11th birthday when I absolutely begged my parents for an Optimus Prime Transformers action figure. He was ONLY the "
largest, wisest and strongest of ALL Autobots". So, it was no surprise to learn that he'd easily defeated my mom -- who has always been able to seamlessly transform into a procrastinating black woman during the holiday season. She told me before Christmas that every store in the city was sold out of Optimus Prime. That wasn't nearly as bad as watching my brother unwrap the ONE transformer that he wanted come Christmas morning. (And, THAT wasn't nearly as bad as unwrapping the consolation Xmas Transformer my mother ended up buying for me that year.) Prime finally arrived, roughly three months later, for my 11th birthday.

My Own Apartment -- On my 22nd birthday, I signed the papers for my first apartment. No roommates, no parents...no bed, no cable, no air conditioning. Let's call it a mixed blessing. I'd also just broken up with my girlfriend at the time, as life had handed me a double dose of freedom. (Oh, don't look at me like that. That girl was clinically batsh*t insane -- the kind that would leave voice mails saying, "You didn't call me to say 'good night'." See? Crazy.)

TBG reader and friend of That Bootleg Family, Mr. Brooks, is looking to crack my personal top three b-day gifts. A few weeks ago, a package arrived in the mail containing a bag of dry ice and a vacuum-sealed, fully-cooked product called the Original Bacon Explosion. It's basically a bacon-wrapped, bacon-stuffed Italian sausage loaf. Here, now, is a short film (featuring a member of the hair-band RATT) that better
articulates my emotions.

I could
read the recipe all day. It includes glorious words and phrases such as "thick cut", "yardbird" and "5 x 5 bacon weave". The pre-packaged finished product is indeed an aesthetically-pleasing image -- a freshly-knitted bacon blanket wrapped snugly around a beautiful biracial sausage n' bacon baby.

Per the instructions, I reheated it at 350 degrees for 40 minutes -- slathered it with most of a bottle of Jack Daniels honey barbecue sauce after the first 30 minutes and lightly drizzled the finished product with honey. The comingled scents of Italian sausage and bacon filled the downstairs of Stately Bootleg Manor. I couldn't help but think of our late cat Whiskers who, at the 20 minute mark, might've tried to climb into the oven. All that remained was the cooling and the cutting. Oh, and the eating.

If you've ever wondered what the clipped, profane phrase "F*** YEAH" translates to in flavor form; it's the salt n' fennel seed combination within the Bacon Explosion. The bacon used here isn't the pretentious high-end pig that gives bacon a bad name. This is good ol' "crispy in some parts, fatty in others" slices of piggy goodness. The bacon weave keeps the loose Italian sausage together as the smokiness of the bacon melds with the light spice of the sausage which nicely holds the sweetness of the barbecue sauce and honey.

This is one of those food items that'll unnecessarily spook all the nutritional prudes out there (I mean, it's not like it's ALL bacon), but if that means more for me, then I'll kindly ask Ezekiel and Ishmael (in accordance with their parents' wishes) to step out into the hall and
pray for our souls.

Grade: 5 (out of 5)


Cory said...

I thought for sure this would be a 500-level rating after that windup of a pitch.

Aaron C. said...

It was phenomenal, but seeing as I only ate half the bacon log in a single sitting, I can't go "500".

I was actually thinking about the calories n' fat content as I was eating and for a "500" score, I wouldn't have given a damn.

(As you can see, this is a science.)

CrazyCanuck said...

You had me at "5 by 5 bacon weave". Just that glorious use of language alone is deserving of a 500 score.

Carrie said...


Your allusion to your crazy ex-girlfriend brings to mind this priceless bit from Don Glover's (former "30 Rock" writer, current "Community" actor) stand-up routine:

BBQ Addicts said...

Glad you enjoyed your explosion! If you want to take it up a notch (a ridiculous notch), check out our latest blog post... the Bacon Explosion Double Down :)


that mexican guy said...

Aaaaand thank you for helping me kill the past half-hour Carrie. Although, why are all my crazy women stories almost exactly identical to Donald Glover's crazy man stories?

Bobby said...

There is a special feeling you get when you find that special gift, the one that you know without a doubt is the absolute best thing for the person. I saw the first photo of this gem, and I instantly reached for my wallet. I'm glad you enjoyed the Bacon Explosion as much as I enjoyed sending it as a gift. I hate to invoke the Golden Girls but, Thank you for Being a Friend!