A couple of months ago, I wrote a post on the myriad of cheap magazine subscriptions that I'd bought through eBay. Turns out that I forgot one.
For only $12, I signed up for year-long subscription to Consumer Reports and, with apologies to Entertainment Weekly *AND* XXL, it's easily my favorite of the lot.
This month's issue features the CR reviews of the best/worst hot dogs and light beers. Now, sure...the cover hypes their rankings of digital cameras, but I'm here to violate the copyright for stuff you people actually use…not for some fly-by-night technology that's just keeping the shelves of Circuit City warm for the inevitable return of Polaroid.
First the top ten hot dogs (ranked on "flavor and texture"), according to Consumer Reports:
1.) Hebrew National
2.) Nathan's Famous
3.) Boar's Head Skinless
4.) Hebrew National Reduced Fat
5.) Boar's Head Lite Skinless Franks
6.) Ball Park Franks
7.) Sabrett Skinless Franks
8.) Oscar Mayer Beef Wieners
9.) Oscar Mayer Light Beef Wieners
10.) Applegate Farms: The Great Organic Uncured Hot Dog
· Can't argue with the #1 selection. 5,000 years of suffering has forged a fantastic frankfurter! (Feel free to use that, H.N.)
· I've never had a Nathan's Famous, but I'm assuming it's the replica of the Coney Island variety. Am I close on this, New York guys? Overrated or underrated?
· Not sure how Oscar Mayer-anything made it onto the Top 10. Does anyone over the age of eight still eat these?
· Every hot dog on the above list is listed as "beef" (wink). CR correctly sh*ts on pretty much all turkey/chicken/veggie dogs.
· Most interesting part of the article is CR's nutritional comparison of hot dogs to "other cookout favorites". Per ounce, hot dogs have almost more than thrice the fat of round steak, half the protein of hamburger and twice the calories of chicken breast.
On to the listing of light beers (ranked on "quality, taste trueness and flavor"):
1.) Michelob Ultra Amber
2.) Michelob Light
3.) Michelob Ultra
4.) Coors Light
5.) Sam Adams Light
6.) Budweiser Select
7.) Busch Light
8.) Bud Light
9.) Natural Light
10.) Keystone Light
· Right off the bat, I call bullsh*t. Sam Adams Light…#5?! I generally don't prefer light beer, but S.A. Light is pretty much the standard. It's time for my own market research.
· Yesterday, I went to the store and bought a six-pack of Michelob Ultra. I was looking for Ultra Amber, but they didn't have it. I had to try one of the beers that made the top three.
· After sampling the contents of three bottles once I got home, I can safely and responsibly declare that Consumer Reports is in bed with Anheuser-Busch (the company that produces Michelob). Straight water, people. Straight water.
· Coors Light…#4?! Obviously, they're CR's girl on the side that Anheuser-Busch knows nothing about. I admire the adultery, but still…
· Beck's ranked last at #20 and was described as "skunky and oxidized".