The LL Chronicles #24: For Love of the Rage

On occasion, my eight-year-old son Jalen is too intense for his good. 

Board games, for example, are an especially painful chore.  Beginning with "Candy Land" and "Chutes & Ladders"  up through "Sorry!" and "Monopoly"; I've begun to wonder if we shouldn't confine "family game night" to Jalen's room since that's where he invariably ends up.  Although, that would rob my wife and I of the sight of our son trudging upstairs -- in tears -- while belching out, "I don't wanna be bank-roop!" 

He brings the same "bank-roop"-averse mood to sports.  His basketball career unceremoniously ended after he was, uh...asked to leave the court for playing defense like this.  J has similarly struggled in soccer.  He likes it just fine, but his kicking skills are commercial worthy -- right down to the guttural "Arrgh!"  Anyways, after a minute or two of running, J puts his hands on his hips and expends just enough energy to remain mostly upright. 

* -- I cannot BELIEVE I never wrote about this.  I'll be generous and say Jalen was simply attempting to set an illegal moving screen. Next thing I knew, one child was flat on his back and J was being escorted off the court by the referee.  He did get back into the game as everyone knew he certainly wasn't trying to hurt the other player.  J spent the rest of that game pleading with the referee to call a foul on any player who came within 10 feet of HIM, because...of course he did. 

In baseball, Jalen's gotten a bit better at managing his emotions. 

He's no longer kicking over ice chests -- as he did during an extended hitless stretch to begin his first fall season in 2010.  He's much more encouraging and doesn't criticize teammates -- as he did during a game that eliminated us from the postseason playoffs in 2011.  And, he takes the occasional in-game struggle in stride -- wait, no...we're still working on this one. 

Jalen WILL be ejected from a Little League game at some point.  It almost happened in our next to last game of this fall season.  (But, we'll get into that in the next "LL Chronicles".)  He wants to do well.  He wants to win.  And, there simply aren't enough italics to articulate his intensity in this regard.  But, again, he's now TRYING to channel those feelings in a more constructive and positive spirit.

 

 

 

 

This past spring, Jalen pitched for the first time.  He wasn't comfortable with any grip except for one he lovingly referred to as his "three-finger fastball" -- the ol' Mordecai Brown. (And, yes, Jalen gets the reference.)  In reality, it was a change-up -- or, at least the way most kids first learn how to throw a change-up.  This fall, I wanted Jalen to add a four-seam fastball to his pitch repertoire of one. 

After our initial set of bullpen sessions, J was ready to scrap the fastball idea and rely solely on his 35 MPH appetizer.  He stuck with it, though, and for the first time I can remember, he directed his intensity into trying to succeed, instead of running from failure.  His early results with the four-seamer were mixed.  He threw it almost exclusively in our first two fall games, giving up a run in two innings.  He then got clobbered in the next game to the tune of five runs. 

The old, uh, young Jalen would've been inconsolable.  Now, he couldn't wait until our next game.  J got the start and gave up just a run in two innings.  The following game was our fifth of the season.  It coincided with the improbable run to the postseason by our beloved Oakland Athletics.  One of Jalen's favorite A's players is closer Grant Balfour -- a tightly-wound Aussie whose over-the-top mound demeanor includes bulging neck veins, one-man motivational screaming and random broadcasted expletives capable of shattering the sound barrier.  (Guess which part Jalen enjoys most.)  Collectively, A's fans refer to it as "Balfour Rage".

 

 

 

 

 

J pitched the final inning and -- working off his fastball -- struck out the side in order.  He punctuated the last out with...well, this. 

But, there are some things not even "J Rage" can conquer. 

Down to 8 kids for Little League game tomorrow. Now, my son has 101 degree fever. "I wanna play. Don't tell mom", he said. Inspiring. RIGHT? -- from my Twitter feed, October 12 

We were playing the 9:00AM game and things didn't look promising that morning. 

Son's temperature is up to 102. He *might* not be able to make his 900AM Little League game. (Hoping THAT explains the ice bath to my wife.) -- from Twitter, October 13 

When I left the house -- about an hour before game time so that I could help set up the field -- Jalen was curled up on the couch.  He still wanted to play, but it wasn't looking good.  As his father, I knew what I had to do: leave the final decision in his mother's hands and let HER be the one to emotionally eviscerate him. 

So, my son DID make it to his baseball game. 101 fever. Went 1 for 2. In his words: "I didn't wanna end my consecutive games played streak." -- from Twitter, October 13 

Mrs. Bootleg is a wonderful mother.  She'd never risk the health of our child.  But, she also knows what the game means to Jalen.  And, she knows I'd never risk the health of our child.  He jogged onto the field about 10 minutes before first pitch.  When I told him he wouldn't be pitching, he didn't put up a fight.  THAT'S when I knew how bad he must've felt. 

We played a much more experienced team from a neighboring community and lost 7-5.  My players were undeniably intimidated early -- digging a 4-0 deficit after the top of the first -- but, we battled back.  Unfortunately, we simply ran out of innings.  Jalen was absolutely on fumes by the end, but he played the whole game.  I'm not naive enough to think my son inspired his teammates since no one knew the context of his participation that day. 

But, there was someone in the dugout who continues to be inspired by the child who came into this world nine weeks early with that same fighting spirit.  And, let's be honest...I'm just glad he got through it. 

Urgent care w/8-year-old son. Wife ignoring doctor's take that playing baseball w/101 fever had nothing to do w/his current condition. -- from Twitter, October 14 

But, he's fine! Now!

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #9

Last Week

Joe: 9-5

Aaron: 9-5

Current Standings

 

Joe: 73-44

Aaron: 68-49

Kansas City at San Diego (Thursday)

Aaron: While watching the sixth or seventh one-man tantrum from Chargers QB Philip Rivers during last week's loss to an execrable Cleveland Browns team, I was struck by the realization that San Diego's competitive window has closed.  Over the past 10 years, this team went through talent such as Drew Brees, LaDanian Tomlinson, Michael Turner and Antonio Gates.  They posted a 14-2 season not long ago and reached the doorstep of an AFC Championship more than once.  Now, they've been supplanted in the division by a Denver team led by a 60-year-old quarterback with a reconstructed neck while a sad sack Oakland squad can at least boast about their one-year head start towards rebuilding.  There is a silver lining, San Diego.  At least you're not the Chiefs.  Pick: San Diego

Joe: The Chiefs really have skyrocketed to the bottom rung of the NFL ladder. The talent being wasted in Jamaal Charles (and I guess Dwayne Bowe) is heartbreaking. Let's hope for their fans sake that there's no ill-advised upswing towards the end of the year so they can at least secure the top draft spot. Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cincinnati

Aaron: The Bengals have been just bad enough to lose their last three games by an average of seven points.  That's the kind of margin that Peyton Manning can account for by himself in the fourth quarter.  Still, I'm not sure the Bengals/Broncos are as bad/good as they looked last month.  Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Yeah, we've reached the "pump them brakes" stage of the Broncos' better-than-expected season. Seeing a path where the AFC might be weak enough for Denver to make the Super Bowl isn't quiiiite the same thing as them being  Super Bowl caliber team. Still... Pick: Denver

Baltimore at Cleveland

Aaron: The Ravens are coming off a bye week, which gave them seven extra days to brood over their 30-point loss to the Texans.  Ray Lewis has already turned state's evidence in anticipation of the slaughter.  Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Have there been any boredom-induced think pieces about how the results of the Bengals and Browns games this weekend portend to Ohioans' behavior at the polls on Tuesday? ...It's like y'all aren't even trying. Pick: Baltimore

Arizona at Green Bay

Aaron: The Packers seem content to win ugly this season while playing up or down to the level of their competition.  It's a perfectly cromulent approach and eerily similar to that of The Ultimate Warrior's 1987-1991 WWF run.  Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Poor Cardinals. Remember when they were 4-0 and life in the desert was sweet and arid? Now they're 4-4 and subject to a Sunday in Wisconsin, where the air is chilly with a hint of cheese. Pick: Green Bay

Chicago at Tennessee

Aaron: Jay Cutler comes home!  Well, I mean...he was born in Georgia and grew up in Indiana, but he went to college at Vanderbilt!  For four years!  As memorable Tennessee ties go, Cutler's ranks right up there with 1990s rap group Arrested Development's and their hit song of the same name.  They fall about six months and 29 days shy of Cutler's Tennessee tenure, though.  (You'll get that one, eventually, everyone.)  Pick: Chicago

Joe: Not willing to let my lack of faith the Bears become my downfall this season. Pick: Chicago

Miami at Indianapolis

Aaron: I suspect everyone will be overrating Miami after their annihilation of the Jets last week -- a Jets team, by the way, that was similarly overrated by some (well, by me) after they hung tough against the Patriots two weeks ago.  The point here is that I'm not falling for it again!  Not THIS week, anyway!  Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I like Indy to play tough at home, but that Dolphins defense has been stingy. Pick: Miami

Carolina at Washington

Aaron: Redskins QB Robert Griffin III is hailed as DC's savior. Panthers QB Cam Newton is reviled for his aloofness and failure to act like a leader.  Who's going to be the first hacky sportswriter to compare them to 2008 and 2012 Barack Obama, respectively?  Hurry, Rick Reilly!  There's still time!  Pick: Washington

Joe: Oh hell, that's a GOOD one! Pick: Washington

Detroit at Jacksonville

Aaron: Well, look who decided to show up last week!  Lions QB Matt Stafford and his nationwide fantasy football team killing spree came to an unexpected end as he put up good numbers for the first time all year.  And, as a final f**k you, he did it while most of America had long since benched him.  Let's all shake our fists in a comically threatening manner when this game kicks off on Sunday, 'K?  Pick: Detroit

Joe: Not even joking, he sat on my bench last week. I hate him SO much, you guys. Fat-faced goon. Pick: Detroit

Buffalo at Houston

Aaron: More likely to happen -- Texans QB Matt Schaub throws for 500 yards or Texans RB Arian Foster runs for 300 yards?  Discuss.  But, not in front of Joe, you guys.  It's just common courtesy.  Pick: Houston

Joe: Look, I've been through a LOT this week. ... Or, okay, I've been adjacent to people who have been though a LOT this week. Not looking forward to this. It's a good thing Mario Williams' wrist injury will not keep him from playing this game. Which means he'll be making his Buffalo Bills debut, yes? Pick: Houston

Minnesota at Seattle

Aaron: Both teams are reeling a bit after losing their respective "these teams might be better than we think" tiaras sometime last month.  The Seahawks' defense, though, remains strong against the run.  This feels like one of those 16-14 final scores with no viewing value.  My apologies, Puyallup.  Pick: Seattle

Joe: Yeah, I'll definitely take Seattle's defense against turnover-prone Christian Ponder. Pick: Seattle

Tampa Bay at Oakland

Aaron: The Raiders have beaten up on a pair of cream puffs to crawl back into quasi-contention in the AFC West.  The Buccaneers are more like bread pudding or red velvet cake -- desserts that a lot of people like, but I've always found to be lacking...especially when compared to apple brown betty or key lime pie.  Pick: Oakland

Joe: No idea what to make of either of these schizophrenic teams this season. But what a Super Bowl rematch we have on our hands! Gruden Bowl II! John Gruden! Was a football coach once! Pick: Tampa Bay

Pittsburgh at NY Giants

Aaron: With all of the wins the Giants have racked up recently, it's easy to forget that QB Eli Manning is quietly having one of the worst fantasy stretches of his career.  And, yes, along with Matt Stafford, he's also on my big-money fantasy team!  Next year, I'll just set my goddam money on fire!  Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Nothing more frustrating in fantasy than a QB whose team wins AND puts up a lot of points and STILL gives you nothing. Nothing more frustrating in LIFE. Pick: NY Giants

Dallas at Atlanta

Aaron: There's a reason that everyone seems to overrate the Cowboys -- even a little -- every season.  It's because they occasionally win games they have no business winning.  Against an undefeated team on the road?  Sure, why not.  Pick: Dallas

Joe: Ohhhh, I'm so glad you did that. Pick: Atlanta

Philadelphia at New Orleans

Aaron: I listened to more than one NFL talking head insist that Eagles coach Andy Reid had to stay with Michael Vick as his starting quarterback.  When Reid is inevitably fired after this season, Tony Dungy better not be a dick and should let Reid sleep on his couch until he lands on his feet.  Pick: New Orleans

Joe: No chance New Orleans looks like complete garbage in prime time two weeks in a row, right? Pick: New Orleans

The LL Chronicles #23: F for Effort

I've been coaching or managing my son's Little League teams since 2008.  During that time, I've come to expect several events that invariably occur over the course of a season. 

For instance...someone's going to cry.  This doesn't happen during EVERY game, but given enough time, there will be a child who is overcome with emotion after striking out or taking a pitch in the ribs or...stealing a base?  This is the actual conversation that occurred during yesterday's game, after one of my players successfully stole second base and then frantically called time out. 

Me: "You OK, Michael?" 

Michael: "My hand hurts." 

Me: "How'd you hurt your hand?  You didn't even slide." 

Michael: "I hurt it playing football." 

Me: "And...now it hurts because you ran to second base?" 

Michael: [sobbing] "Yeah..." 

Me: "Can you stay in and..." 

Michael: "NO!" 

Other predictable in-game events include ill-timed bathroom breaks, my son Jalen theatrically hamming it up for the dozens -- and dozens! -- in attendance and...the annual lack-of-effort, mailing-it-in game. 

I know this is true, because -- for whatever reason -- I remember each one.  Last spring, my Little League Athletics lost to the Braves, 17-5.  And, when my team showed more effort and energy in racing towards the postgame plate of cupcakes than they did at any point during the game, I dragged them all back to the field and gave them...the speech.  The previous autumn, my team lethargically lost to a squad we'd beaten easily twice before.  They, too, were on the receiving end of...the speech. 

Perhaps it's not deserving of the melodramatic ellipsis that precedes it, but "the speech" -- my passive-aggressive attempt to convey fury and rage in a way that seven and eight-year-olds can appreciate -- has become a once-a-season tradition. 

After our first two games of the current fall season, we'd defeated our opponents by a combined score of 39-4.  In our third game,  we played another undefeated team.  This group was led by a manager who's infamous -- within the admittedly tight confines of our Little League district -- for his over-the-top intensity.  And, in spite of the fact that they were missing their two best players, we lost 15-8.  I called our performance "listless" on Twitter, but I was being kind.  Jalen showed some energy in a failed attempt to score from third base on a wild pitch, but not even his irresponsible Ty Cobb-ian spikes-high slide could motivate his teammates to try. 

After the game, it was time for a team meeting and, yes, the speech. 

I hit on all of the youth sports talking points, starting with "opening qualifiers that soften coach's obvious frustration": 

Look, I know it's hot out here.  I know it's been a long day for some of you... 

From there, I jumped into the basics of counting, telling time and emphasizing prime numbers: 

Three hours.  THREE.  That's all the time I ask.  That's how much effort I need from you.  There are 24 hours in a day and I need you to give me three of 'em.  The rest are yours.  Do whatever you want with 'em. 

Now, build to the guilt trip: 

If you don't want to give a good, honest effort, then let me know.  I don't care if we win or lose, but if you're not going to TRY, then let me know.  Let me know so I can tell your parents how much money they're wasting.  Let me know so I can give your at-bats to someone who WANTS to be here. 

And, finish with the empty threat: 

If we play like that next week, I'll just have the league cancel the rest of our season.  And, you can explain to your parents why your weekends are suddenly free.  Don't have 'em call me!  You tell 'em. [pause...point...lower voice] You tell 'em. 

Several days later, we held our weekly practice.  It was clear that my words hadn't resonated with a certain player.  He spent the first few minutes literally rolling around on the infield dirt as he pantomimed dives for imaginary ground balls up the middle.  He punctuated this with self-gratifying giggles and an overall obliviousness to the drills going on around him. 

Me: "ETHAN! Do you want to be here today?" 

Ethan: "Uh, well...not really." 

Me: [Genuinely shocked at his honest response] "Oh! Well, how 'bout you spend the next 90 minute running laps around the parking lot?  That way, you won't be on the field -- where you don't want to be -- and everyone's happy.  Would you like that? 

Look...I know how that sounded.  In my defense, (1) I immediately felt terrible about telling a child to run around incoming and outgoing cars for the next hour and a half and (2) I used my best "Ben Stiller in 'Happy Gilmore'" condescending cadence, so it was more "comedic" than "child-endangerment".  Besides, Ethan pulled it together for the rest of our practice, so DON'T TELL ANYBODY. 

Jalen was the starting pitcher in our next game, giving up one run in two innings and reducing his obese ERA from 21.00 to 14.40.  (Oh, don't look at me like that.  My son's the one who eats up the real-time statistical updates.  I'm merely the conduit via pocket calculator.)  We won by a 15-2 tally.  Everyone in the lineup scored at least one run and, if memory serves, I didn't make any of my players snake their way between entering and/or exiting cars, afterwards. 

Who knew the prospect of "parking lot dodge-car" could be such an effective motivational tool? 

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #8

Last Week 

Aaron: 10-2

Joe: 9-3

 

Current Standings 

Joe: 64-39

Aaron: 59-44

 

Tampa Bay at Minnesota  (Thursday) 

Aaron: So, Joe sent me his write-up before I had a chance to do mine. I'm surprised (not surprised) that he went with the self-serving fantasy football angle when this Samantha Steele/Christian Ponder conundrum is entering its second full week of being a…thing.  For those of you who HAVEN'T heard, Vikings QB Ponder is dating ESPN college football reporter/obligatory blonde beauty Steele.  It's caused quite a dust-up on…hell, I dunno…Deadspin?  I guess?  It's the first time the dating habits of a Minnesota athlete have been so publicly displayed since the heyday of Ravishing Rick Rude's "What I'd like to have right now…" pre-match promos.  This is a big deal!  (No, it's not.)  Pick: Minnesota 

Joe: I know it's annoying when people only notice these things for selfish fantasy purposes but WHAT was that bullshit at the end of the Bucs-Saints game last week? I'm no replacement-level official, but HOW is it possible that the rule says that a DB shoving a WR out the back of the end zone is neither a penalty NOR that WR is allowed to catch the ball even after he's re-established himself in bounds? This opens up a whole new universe of red-zone defensive strategy, if true. (Whatever, I really needed that Mike Williams TD.) Tampa's defense looks awfully generous, and Minnesota, on a short week, at home, et cetera, et cetera. Pick: Minnesota

 

San Diego at Cleveland

Aaron: There are no words to describe how much joy the past two weeks have brought me. Here in San Diego, the Chargers fanbase continues to loudly -- profanely! -- lament their team's humiliating loss to Broncos.  Our eternally terrible sports-talk radio stations can't take enough angry calls to satiate my schadenfreude. Eddie from El Cajon!  Tom from downtown! Mike from Del Mar!    More!  More!  Pick: San Diego 

Joe: If Phillip Rivers is even capable of having a bounce back blowout against a bad team, this would be the week for it. Pick: San Diego

 

Seattle at Detroit

Aaron: There was a genuinely interesting discussion on DLHQ this week regarding the racial component in the amount of criticism received/not received this season between struggling QBs Cam Newton and Matt Stafford.  As an African-American, here's my take:  Stafford's the one who torpedoed my big-money fantasy team this year, so f**k him -- regardless of color.  Pick: Seattle 

Joe: Not to wade into choppy waters or anything, but Newton was also given much more praise/attention last season for his heroics than Stafford was, so his increased scrutiny doesn't surprise me. That said, as a fellow victim of the Matthew Stafford Fantasy Killing Spree, I'm with you: f*ck that guy. Pick: Detroit

 

Jacksonville at Green Bay

Aaron: Injuries to Jacksonville's starting quarterback and running back turned last week's Jaguars v. Raiders game into one of the most awful offensive performances of my lifetime.  And, the Packers are a titch better than the Raiders, you guys.  Analysis!  Pick: Green Bay 

Joe: This is going to be a pile-on as undignified as anything you'll see in football all year. Pick: Green Bay

 

Miami at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: The Jets showed some spunk in last week's OT loss to the Patriots.  Although, Jets head coach/defensive genius emeritus Rex Ryan would be well served to NOT give Tom Brady 12-15 yards of free field on every snap in the last minute of a close game.  Pick: NY Jets 

Joe: Miami probably should have won their earlier matchup this season. The Jets rarely play two good games in a row. And despite being on the road, the hurricane conditions in New York today should make the Dolphins feel right at home. Pick: Miami

 

Carolina at Chicago

Aaron: Just to recap...the Panthers draft QB Cam Newton, hand him the keys to the franchise and ginormous dollar-sign-labeled sacks of cash.  Newton struggles -- in just in his second season -- and is getting killed for NOT giving clichéd postgame interviews like a 10-year veteran and his sh*tty body language?!  Let's hope he pulls it together before he flunks out of finishing school.  Pick: Chicago 

Joe: Well now you've got me thinking of Cam Newton as Will Smith in Six Degrees of Separation, practicing the phrase "bottle of beer" over and over and over ... Pick: Chicago

 

Atlanta at Philadelphia

Aaron: The "Nick Foles Era" starts at halftime, right?  If so, I'm warning you that EVERY lede written about this on Monday will include a terrible joke about Michael Vick, "passing the torch" and an interception.  Pick: Philadelphia 

Joe: Nothing about how his career has gone to the dogs? Pick: Atlanta

 

Indianapolis at Tennessee

Aaron: Shout out to sportswriters and talking heads everywhere for keeping the 200th "Chris Johnson is BACK" narrative of the season as fresh as the first one.  Pick: Indianapolis 

Joe: If you can't have a career day against this Bills defense, who CAN you have a career day against. Indy's the better team, with the better QB, but they're still inconsistent. Pick: Tennessee

 

New England at St. Louis

Aaron: The NFL has yet to stage a game in London's Wembley Stadium that -- entertainment-wise -- compares to SummerSlam 1992, held in the same venue.  And, that card included Nailz v. Virgil.  Pick: New England 

Joe: Look, I missed out on the first two times that New England lost out to unlikely NFC West competition. I don't care if this is throwing a game away -- I want in on the ground floor this time. Pick: St. Louis

 

 

Washington at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Surprised to see the Steelers defense is still putting up solid numbers this season.  Sure seems like they've been in a few more shootouts than usual.  They should be able to contain the RGIII Hyperbole Machine for a few quarters, anyway.  Pick: Pittsburgh 

Joe: Washington's overrated, but so is Pittsburgh, and I don't think they can keep up in a shootout. Pick: Washington

 

Oakland at Kansas City

Aaron: Brady Quinn is starting for the Chiefs at quarterback this week.  Pick: Oakland 

Joe:  Good point. Pick: Oakland 

 

N.Y. Giants at Dallas

Aaron: I can never remember all of the arcane rules that apply to NFC East v. NFC East competition, so I'll just assume that the Giants NEVER lose to the same intra-division foe twice in one season.  Pick: NY Giants 

Joe: Yeah, this one could very well end up being a revenge blowout, satisfying Cowboys-haters the world over. Pick: NY Giants

 

New Orleans at Denver

Aaron: You know Peyton Manning might be finding his way back to "Manning-ian" status when sportswriters start littering their work with veiled accusations regarding his obvious increase in arm strength since the beginning of the season.  Captain Ahab and his white Canseco, I suppose.  Pick: Denver 

Joe: I hate that sportswriters' tendency to deify quarterbacks and their heroics has made me start to roll my eyes at the mention of Drew Brees lately. I've always liked Drew Brees! Stop making me sick of hearing about how you can never count him out or whatever! Pick: Denver

 

San Francisco at Arizona

Aaron: Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are angling for halftime interviews on Monday Night Football.  Asking the questions? Chris Berman.  There are men and women who sacrifice their lives for this sh*t.  Pick: San Francisco 

Joe: The NFC West's turnaround this season is as shocking as it is life-affirming. Where's the Clint Eastwood ad about how THIS down-and-out American institution crawled its way back from oblivion? Pick: San Francisco

 

2012 NFL Pickery -- Week #7

Last Week 

Joe: 7-7

Aaron: 4-10 

 

Current Standings 

Joe: 55-36

Aaron: 49-42

 

Seattle at San Francisco (Thursday) 

Aaron: So, wait...you're telling me that home teams are 4-1 on Thursday nights this season while my record for picking Thursday night winners is 1-4?  If only there was a pattern to be discerned from this.  While I research this, I'll just pick my Thursday night winners based on the cuter helmet.  And, yes, it IS the same formula used by Dwayne in the "Give Me Odds" episode of What's Happening!! -- original air date, November 10, 1977.  Pick: San Francisco 

Joe: I know the "WTF NFC West?!" storyline is a pretty easy one, but SERIOUSLY, THOUGH! Seattle's resume has the most dubious victory (though doesn't the replacement-ref scandal seem like ages ago now), and they have to share their Pats win with the Cardinals, while the 49ers have been kind of enough to remind us every three weeks or so that we tend to overrate them due to their being the 49ers. This seems like a classic rebound game though. Pick: San Francisco

 

Tennessee at Buffalo 

Aaron: Within a span of six months, Buffalo fans endured the controversial goal by the Dallas Stars and their beloved Sabres in game six of the Stanley Cup Finals AND the "Music City Miracle" loss by their Bills.  This goes a long way towards explaining Joe's recurring Brett Hull, Lorenzo Neal, Frank Wycheck and Kevin Dyson-related night terrors.  Pick: Buffalo 

Joe: By my self-imposed directive that I should pick the Bills to beat bad teams and lose to good teams this season, my pick here should be elementary. The win at Arizona threw that off-balance last week. Time to restore balance to the force. Pick: Tennessee

 

Baltimore at Houston 

Aaron: 37-year-old Ravens LB Ray Lewis suffered a "complete triceps tear", but there's reportedly a chance that he could be back on the field before the end of the season. Older athlete playing at an all-pro level suffers grotesque exploding muscle injury and has chance at an expedited, heretofore medically-impossible recovery time.  Even Barry Bonds is like, "C'mon, y'all...".  Pick: Houston 

Joe: A bit of underreported good news for Ravens fans this week, as Lewis's triceps injury was to his non-snitching arm. Repeat: his non-snitching arm. Pick: Houston

 

Washington at NY Giants 

Aaron: The Giants went into San Francisco last week and beat a very good 49ers team without QB Eli Manning putting up exceptional numbers.  Like Linus and the Great Pumpkin, I keeping waiting for that annual late-October appearance from "mediocre Eli".  I never know what to expect when the NFC East Mega-Powers explode and this one feels like we'll be retroactively talking about how "...we should've seen this loss coming..." for the Giants come Monday.  Still...  Pick: NY Giants 

Joe: Here I am, shaking my head at people who refuse to accept that Eli has evolved. And yet, these NFC East matchups steadfastly refuse to make sense. Could the Giants drop all three games against their division opponents? I guess I'm saying yes? Pick: Washington

 

New Orleans at Tampa Bay 

Aaron: Damned if I can figure out the Saints.  But, they're coming off a bye week AND get to play the second-worst pass defense in the NFL, so we can all mothball New Orleans' whole "riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest" description for at least one week.  Pick: New Orleans 

Joe: Tampa's just as much of an enigma, though. I'm not sure I love them as much as I did in their blowout of the Chiefs, but with the transitive property at work, KC beat New Orleans, so the Bucs should beat them by at least 40 points!!! Pick: Tampa Bay

 

Green Bay at St. Louis 

Aaron: So, the Packers that we've been waiting for all season finally showed up last Sunday in Houston and people are ready to elevate them into the "team you DON'T want to play" pantheon?  I like this match-up for the Rams, actually. They've got a very good pass defense and...wait, Houston had a good pass defense, too.  Pick: Green Bay 

Joe: I think the Packers win, but it's back to those unsatisfying "why isn't this a blowout?" wins. Pick: Green Bay

 

Arizona at Minnesota 

Aaron: Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb suffered a serious injury last week that involved two of his ribs separating from his sternum.  Between this and the concussion epidemic, my young son will NEVER play football.  He prefers pitching, anyway.  You know what kind of injuries keep a pitcher from making a start?  A blister. A "tired" arm. Et cetera.  Pick: Minnesota 

Joe: The NFC's two feel-good surprise teams of the season get to beat up on each other for our amusement. Taking the home team against a good defense. Pick: Minnesota

 

 Cleveland at Indianapolis 

Aaron: It's a little unseemly to attribute every Colts win as an inspirational effort for their leukemia-stricken head coach, while chalking up the losses to the "pressure" of playing for their leukemia-stricken head coach.  There's some truth on both sides, I'm sure.  Also true? The Browns are abominable.  Pick: Indianapolis 

Joe: It's important for a growing rookie QB to feed on slow-moving prey like the Browns in order to sustain him through the lean weeks. Pick: Indianapolis

 

Jacksonville at Oakland 

Aaron: Interesting stretch for my Raiders with three winnable games over the next three weeks. I'm not ready to read anything into last week's near-miss in Atlanta.  Oakland committed 12 penalties (after entering the game with just 10 penalties all season), RB Darren McFadden averaged just 2.5 yards/carry, and QB Carson Palmer crapped the bed with a late pick-six.  Yet, somehow this sh*tty Jags team has become a de facto gut check for the Raiders.  Pick: Oakland 

Joe: Weird seeing such support for a crappy team on the road against an inconsistent team. Not buying. Pick: Oakland

 

NY Jets at New England 

 Aaron: I understand how the hyper-critical, hyper-cynical 24/7 news thrasher is designed to pulverize professional athletes, but the recent Tom Brady backlash by Patriots fans seems unfair -- even by the standards of a fanbase that has hated on him at times for the length of his hair and his home in California.  He's old, you guys.  He's just old.  Pick: New England 

Joe: I hate when I'm forced to defend Tom Brady, but Cam's exactly right. This is a classic anger game where the Pats let their fans re-inflate their heads while their teams runs up the score. Pick: New England

 

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati 

Aaron: How do these low-scoring, defense-first AFC North showdowns always seem to be featured on Sunday night or Monday night in primetime?  It's excruciating football that's filled with field goals and punts.  It's pro football's answer to the league that lets the pitcher hit.  Pick: Cincinnati 

Joe: Too true. Picking against the trends here -- Pittsburgh is a team in decline, while the Bengals are going to be maddeningly tough to shake. All NFL prognosticators make "reverse-psychology" as integral to their strategies as I do, right? Pick: Pittsburgh

 

Detroit at Chicago 

Aaron: The Detroit sportswriters get to cover Yankees 3B/pariah Alex Rodriguez AND Bears QB Jay Cutler in the span of about five days?  How will Mitch Albom juxtapose the two and turn it into another saccharine best-seller that's perfect for Father's Day?!  Pick: Chicago 

Joe: Hate everything about Detroit this week, from their awful quarterback to the dome-team-outdoors thing, to the fact that even their wins look like losses. But I'm not ready for the 5-1 Bears. I'm just not. Pick: Detroit