Goodbye

In nearly nine years as an anonymous internet author, the most difficult piece I've ever had to write was my final "Friday Music News Bootleg" column in February 2006.

That weekly column ran for three years beginning in February 2003 – 51 weeks before my son Jalen was born – and ended just a few days after his second birthday. I bawled like a baby as I pounded out the last few tired jokes at the expense of my favorite pop culture punching bags and wrote my goodbyes to everyone who had read and supported my work.

I remember when I decided to end it. At the two-year mark, I began to feel like I'd written everything possible about outrageous rapper behavior and the unwanted reunions of decrepit rock stars. I slogged through one more year – with increasingly uneven results – and knew the time had come.

That same feeling of finality hit me a few weeks ago – on May 1, to be exact.

It was Sunday night and I was sitting where I always sit on Sunday nights after Jalen's gone to bed and Mrs. Bootleg's just begun step three of her seven-step Sunday night hair care escapade (somewhere between "pre-wash scalp massage" and "navigating her salon-quality, sedan-sized hair steamer in from our garage"). I was less than 10 minutes in – staring blankly at the screen, overcome by the creative inertia washing over me – when I was jarred back into the real world with breaking news from my local FOX affiliate: Osama Bin Laden had been killed.

Obviously, it would be silly to question the newsworthiness of this interruption. But, if my Sunday night routine had been broken up – under similar circumstances – five years ago? I'd have lost my mind. (And, yes, I concede that I'm overwhelmingly in the minority here.) I used to be unnervingly rigid with some of my more whimsical pursuits. Three Sunday nights ago, however, I was transfixed to the television, watching this internationally impactful story unfold.

Afterwards, I could've easily opened my laptop and tried to finish my Sunday night as I usually do, but the desire simply wasn't there. Truth be told…the desire's been missing since at least last December. Some of my readers have even called me out on it. Just one more reason why I love you guys.

Earlier this week, I found myself deleting material I hadn't even half-finished. I never thought I could be so abrupt with something I once loved so much. But, like my decision to end my weekly music news column five years ago...the time, I fear, has finally come.

So long, The Simpsons.

You were a credit to dementia.

AiAA: Coors Light -- "Cold Challenge"

One of the benefits of avoiding almost any and all political discourse is that I was able to successfully ignore last week's ridiculous Republican-driven controversy over Common's appearance at the White House. Unfortunately, this non-story took attention away from a MUCH more newsworthy issue involving a rap artist in the waning days of his fame.





Ice Cube's evolution from gangsta rapper to family-friendly actor/director/producer is one of the more fascinating transitions in the recent history of entertainment. This is a man who rose to fame in the late 1980s with N.W.A. and famously attracted the attention of the FBI with incendiary tracks such as "F*** the Police". Cube went on to a successful solo career, but the misogyny, violence and rage contained within such seminal albums as AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted, Death Certificate and The Predator didn't exactly endear him to Middle America (or, at least not to the parents of the suburban kids who were excitedly scooping up Cube's CDs).

To his credit, Cube has successfully reconstructed his image over the past decade or so. He served as executive producer on the lucrative Barbershop and Are We There Yet? movie franchises, spinning them off into a pair of cable television series. Now, in his early 40s, Ice Cube has become positively cuddly -- lampooning his cartoonish tough guy persona in films like The Longshots and Lottery Ticket.

This is exactly what Ice Cube is doing in the above Coors Light commercial. So, why doesn't it work?

Well, on a personal level, it's still oddly jarring for me to see light beer commercials actively targeting African-Americans.* In my lifetime, the light beer companies never took their eyes off of their core demographics: working-class white males and young white women hitting the club. Ten years ago, Coors Light aired a pair of spots with rapper/producer Dr. Dre, but scrapped the ad campaign fairly quickly.

* -- One could argue that Ice Cube's commercial appeal -- at the absolute apex of his rap career and not unlike most rappers from his era -- came mostly from white, well-to-do consumers. This Coors Light ad is clearly not after that audience.

Looking at it from the perspective of my mostly unused marketing degree from San Diego State University; the commercial clumsily stumbles from silly to Ludacris ludicrous. Ice Cube is just fine -- his scowl perfected, eyebrows perpetually arched in mock anger. But, who makes up his audience these days? Blacks or whites? Twenty-something fans who've never owned one of his albums or thirty-somethings who may have forgotten him?

Those muddled marketing waters still make a lot more sense when compared to Coors Light's "super cold" concept. In the pantheon of superfluous emphasis, "super cold" sits alongside triple dog dare and the defense strenuously objects.

General Haberdashery III

Ms. Yvonne -- professionally known as "That Mexican Wife" -- writes:

OK - I haven't been reading you as long as most TBG aficionados so I hope you'll forgive my ignorance. I really do get most of your jokes (even the wrestling ones!) but for the life of me I can't figure out what "General Haberdashery" means. Little help?

Prepare to be disappointed, Yvonne. It means...nothing. I lifted it from an episode of King of the Hill. Chris Rock had a guest spot as the voice of a stand-up comedian who worked at a traffic school and used the line, "Now that's what I call 'general haberdashery'!" It was a ridiculous non sequitur that became my title for the weekly links section of my old Friday music news column and carried over to TBG.

Today, I use it to highlight the work of my former online colleagues -- especially when I'm busy working on a certain annual month-long feature that's scheduled to start in about a week.

---

It's Oscar season and Mrs. Bootleg's favorite blogger -- wait, what...? -- is cranking out the cinematic material. Movie Joe Reid walks you through the best trailers of the year, his 30 most amazing movie moments of 2010 and an excellent look back -- in hindsight -- at Academy Awards handed out in 1990, 1995 and 2000. Would it be inappropriate to mention how much I hated Gladiator or that I've never seen The Usual Suspects or how I still get choked up during Ghost? It would? Well, then.

I'm a sucker for "travel diaries" and m'man Daniels spins a terrific lil' tale of 34-ounce steaks, Atlantic City casinos and suffering through the Super Bowl...in standard definition.

My friends at 85% Sports have been quietly crafting one of the more intelligent and thorough sports blog you'll see. Their NFL Offseason Series is terrific, as are their MLB Positional Rankings. And, check out the biggest St. Louis Cardinals fan on the planet as he's forced to deal with the Albert Pujols negotiations discussions stuff in real time.

Finally, the crew at Fish & Spaghetti revisit one of my all-time favorite TV shows with a face-off of two former inmates at the Oswald State Correctional Facility. I'm with 'em on each and every point -- even though Ryan O'Reily's short-lived, ironic stint on Law & Order: SVU is completely ignored.

General Haberdashery II

My former weekend neighbor on the music news beat has two new posts over at his Lousy Reviews blog. Jeff Fernandez takes on Taco Bell's Beefy Crunch Burrito -- an experience that was apparently less positive than mine -- and Jack in the Box's new Chorizo Chili Cheesy Fries.

(I noticed the "Cheesy Fries" advertisement poster hanging in the window of my local Jack in the Box, but didn't realize there was a "...with chorizo chili..." option. See you soon, Jack.)

Jeff also spits in the eye of beer elitists everywhere with his review of Walgreens' Big Flats 1901 Lager. Walgreens!

My friends over at Fish and Spaghetti introduce the universe to high-end tortilla chips and a Ben & Jerry's flavor that might be delicious, but can't hold a candle to their Oatmeal Cookie Chunk.

Michael Melchor and I go way back to the 411mania.com days, so I couldn't be more pleased to see him still writing about music. This piece on the intersection of nerd culture and music is gloriously geek-tastic.

Daniels and the One New York Life blog have "...an unnatural hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow". I assume he also hates America.

85% Sports explores the idea of St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols pulling down $150 million...per season! It might've been a typo, but I'm pleased to report I caught before he did.

Finally, m'man Movie Joe Reid has the second part of his Spring Movie Preview up on the Low Resolution blog. Bashing Nic Cage? Yup. Kitschy love for an '80s soundtrack? Yup. Un-ironic use of "ridonk"? Oh, f*ck yup!

TBG TV: FOX Animation Domination – 11/21 and 11/28/2010

Sunday's Rankings (5, 3, 2, 1 scoring)

(1) The Simpsons -- "How Munched is That Birdie in the Window?": Hard to believe that an episode centered around the family dog could not only win the week, but shine as one of the better efforts of the season...yet, here we are. Despite the obvious callbacks to previous "Santa's Little Helper" stories (the premise here is loosely tied to season two's Bart's Dog Gets an F, while the ending paralleled season three's Dog of Death) this was still a nice little spin on the "boy and his dog" yarn. A cameo by racecar cheesecake Danica Patrick -- who has quietly passed Anna Kournikova in the "what has she ever won?" conundrum -- is wasted, however. And, don't think I didn't notice that Lisa's description of pigeons was lifted verbatim from Bob Uecker in Major League II. Come ON, writers!

(2) The Cleveland Show -- "Another Bad Thanksgiving": In a mild upset, an episode that lifts its title from the music of my youth AND features a voiceover cameo from m'girl Niecy Nash falls short of the top spot. Donna's ostentatious showoff sister (Nash) gets some laughs, but the primary storyline involves one of the two-dimensional (oh, you know what I mean) background characters. Consequently, I stopped caring about eight minutes in.

(3) American Dad! -- "There Will Be Bad Blood": Credit where it's due -- this show does put in the effort to keep a modicum of continuity. Hayley's season-long "estranged, eloping daughter" storyline is paid off and there's an extensive follow-up to a past throwaway line involving Stan's half-brother. The half-brother bit has been done much, MUCH better by others, so let's not hold that against them. But, all the done-to-death Native American gags here? Let's agree to hold that against them.


Lines of the Night

"Lay off Detroit. Them people is living in 'Mad Max' times." – The Simpsons

"I bought it because Catherine Zeta Jones told me to. What a fool I was." – The Simpsons

"Marriage means something to Holt. He's not a late-night host or the Governor of South Carolina or the world's greatest golfer." -- The Cleveland Show

11/21/2010

(1) Family Guy -- "Brian Writes a Bestseller": The Brian-and-Stewie episodes are usually watchable and this one was surprisingly strong. The running joke about Brian's laughably awful novel is revisited, but this time the upright dog pens a successful self-help book. Really glad the writers have moved away from the unfunny "ambiguously gay Stewie" and slid him back into the more realistic "baby who talks (but, is only understood by a few characters) and does grown-up things". And, I'm in the minority on this, but I liked the Bill Maher segment. Yes, it ran on too long, but it's FAR from the worst TV show to appear within another TV show or movie scene.

(2) The Simpsons -- "The Fool Monty": Every few seasons, Montgomery Burns loses everything and then gets it all back in around 22 minutes. I enjoyed the wink-nod "It's been done" line in the climactic scene, but the same could've been said for the entire episode. Mr. Burns runs over the townspeople? Check. Mr. Burns has a bunch of diseases? Check. Mr. Burns isn't of sound mind? Check.

(3) The Cleveland Show -- "Fat and Wet": I suppose there are two ways to receive this episode. It was either a lazy, uninspired succession of fat jokes or it was a means of getting ALL the fat jokes out of the way, so the writers could move on to less obvious and more intelligent comedy for the remainder of the season. You make the call. And, for what it's worth, the heavyset safe haven used here couldn't have been more inappropriate. Did you know that Milwaukee, Wisconsin placed 11th amongst the fittest cities in America? Hey, a magazine said so.

(4) American Dad! -- "White Rice": This show works best with family patriarch Stan playing the oblivious, boorish boob or the alien Roger spinning one of his over-the-top manipulative schemes. It doesn't work as well when the focus is on the Stan/Francine relationship. Both characters are unapologetically superficial, so it's hard to see their marriage as anything more than a repetitive punchline. It's revealed here that Stan's been using a hypnotist to repress Francine's memories for 20 years. Of course, she inevitably remembers everything, leaves Stan and tries her hand at stand-up comedy. Yup.



Lines of the Night

"FOX News: Not Racist, but Number One with Racists!" – The Simpsons

"Who says swimming pools need to be in the ground...or look nice?" – The Cleveland Show

"I should've done this before the plunger." -- The Cleveland Show

"Writing is the only thing that gives your alcoholism any credibility!" – Family Guy

"You have 'talent herpes'. I have 'regular herpes'. Thank YOU, Mindy Cohn." -- American Dad!


Current Standings

Family Guy -- 22
The Cleveland Show -- 21
The Simpsons -- 18
American Dad! -- 14

TBG TV: FOX Animation Domination – 11/14/2010

Sunday's Rankings (5, 3, 2, 1 scoring)

(1) American Dad! -- "Stan's Food Restaurant": This hasn't been the most entertaining start to a season for FOX's cartoon cavalcade of whimsy. But, Stan Smith and his family rallied big with two stories that were funnier than anything else that aired on Sunday night. The primary plot revolved around Stan and Roger as rival restaurateurs. The "exploding building/body parts" running gag actually worked while the assorted images of Stan and Roger's one-upmanship were effective, as well. The secondary story was about Stan's son Steve (increasingly written with a nod to Bud Bundy of Married…With Children infamy), a crazy nymphomaniac and a child's doll…that may have been alive. Of course, it wasn't. But, someone thought it was. Oh, shut up, it was funny. It was!

(2) Family Guy -- "Baby, You Knock Me Out": ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons hasn't made me entirely numb to references from the Rocky series of movies. Lois Griffin's adventures in the boxing ring leaned heavily on the major plot points from Rocky III, but the pulverized visage of the color commentator and the image of Lois' comically-triangular nose breaking (in the same way one would dog-ear the page of a book) were nice – albeit grotesque – touches.

(3) The Cleveland Show -- "Little Man on Campus": We're just a handful of episodes into the new season, but this show is continuing its uneven comedic feel from a year ago. The supporting cast is easily the weakest of any show on FOX's Sunday night slate (in fact, save for Tim the bear and his wife, Arianna, I can never remember any of their names) so, an episode that focuses on one of Cleveland's drinking buddies isn't going to do much for me. And, it was a baseball episode! I was still underwhelmed! I did love the final scene with Donna's wet blanket reaction when Cleveland fessed up to his shenanigans.

(4) The Simpsons -- "Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life": I really don't want to keep pointing out all the times The Simpsons seems to repeat previously-aired storylines. After 22 seasons – and an avalanche of fan criticism that's equal parts accurate and hackneyed – no one can reasonably expect every episode to be as fresh as it was 15 years ago. But, didn't Lisa already do the "new school" thing in The Secret War of Lisa Simpson? And, when Marge is shown to have taken on a second job to pay for Lisa's private school, was I the only one who thought of Homer working at the Kwik-E-Mart to pay off Lisa's pony? Hell, the whole point of this week's episode was that Lisa didn't want to be a Simpson. Come ON, writers!


Lines of the Night

"We're kids! Incorporated! Before your time. OUR time!" – The Cleveland Show

"Soup is NOT a meal, Vera!" – American Dad!

"You couldn't open a French whore's legs with a wheel of cheese!" -- American Dad!


Current Standings

Family Guy -- 17
The Cleveland Show -- 16
American Dad! -- 11
The Simpsons -- 10

TBG TV: FOX Animation Domination – 11/07/2010

First, some lightly-read blog housekeeping before we begin the new season of this feature:

A few readers pointed out that I never posted recaps (or the 2009-10 final scores) from the two or three "Animation Domination" blocks at the end of last season. Looking back, The Simpsons clinched the championship around Easter. They've enjoyed a decent – albeit unspectacular – renaissance since The Simpsons Movie was released in 2007. Meanwhile, The Cleveland Show was maddeningly uneven in its first season, but good enough for runner-up.

The 2010 fall TV season started in September; so I'll half-assedly recap the scores for the Animation Domination episodes that already aired at the bottom of this post.

Sunday's Rankings (5, 3, 2, 1 scoring)

(1) The Cleveland Show -- "It's the Great Pancake, Cleveland Brown": FOX rolled out an entire evening of Halloween-themed episodes and this was the best of the four by virtue of being the least mediocre. I dig this show's occasional baseball nods (Cleveland dressed as a spot-on Willie Stargell for Halloween) and it's always fun to see bullies get their over-the-top animated comeuppance. But, enough with "Herbert" character, writing staff. I don't know where "the line" is for Seth MacFarlane, but he's coming awfully close to crossing it.

(2) American Dad -- "Best Little Horror House in Langley Falls": It's telling that when the writers used a "tennis grunt" gag in the opening dream sequence, my first thought was how much funnier it was used in an episode of Cougar Town last season. Credit to this show for marrying off the useless Hayley character and practically excising her from the "cast", but they won't be able to rely on a running Street Fighter sight gag every week. Don't think I didn't appreciate it, though.

(3) Family Guy -- "Halloween on Spooner Street": How much goodwill has the Family Guy franchise bought from FOX? The network has "banned" a couple of controversial episodes, only to change course at a later date. Conversely, FOX green-lights the infamous "dirty diaper" scene from last season and the brother-sister make-out scene here? Creatively, it sure seems like FG is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Tricking Quagmire into having sex with Joe? Ugh.

(4) The Simpsons -- "Treehouse of Horror XXI": After 20+ seasons, I can accept that the writers will gently massage and re-use certain plots that have already aired. But, the "War and Pieces" segment of the show's long-running Halloween episodes involved dozens of classic (and slightly name-changed for legal purposes) board games come to life. If you're going to ape your own episodes, don't lazily lift from one of your best Halloween episodes ever. The "Dead Calm" spoof and vampire mini-sode fell flat, too.


Lines of the Night

"Pretty ironic: a cross being used to kill someone." – The Simpsons

"Donna's going as Michelle Obama [for Halloween]…with Oprah's arms." – The Cleveland Show

"Halloween is a bigger letdown than being a Mets fan." -- Family Guy

"And then, tonight, maybe I'll introduce her to THE THICKNESS!" -- American Dad!


Current Standings

The Cleveland Show -- 14
Family Guy -- 14
The Simpsons -- 9
American Dad! -- 6



September 26
Family Guy
The Cleveland Show
The Simpsons

October 3
Family Guy
The Simpsons
American Dad!
The Cleveland Show

October 10
The Cleveland Show
The Simpsons
Family Guy
American Dad!

AiAA: The Curious Case of the Campaign Advertisement

In just a little over 48 hours, advertisements for male enhancement and light beer will reclaim the radio and television airwaves of America. Soon, across the country, junk mail numbers will infinitesimally dip. Our long national nightmare is almost over, as the end of mid-term election season is right around the corner.

2010 had its usual array of good and bad political ads. And, while I like to have some self-deprecating amusement with my mostly-unused marketing degree, I do remember enough from college to offer some non-partisan opinions on three campaign commercials that caught my eye.


Linda McMahon -- "Lunchbox"





"A lot of people ask me why I'm running for Senate...here's why: this lunchbox." In this 30-second spot, McMahon uses roughly a quarter of the commercial's run time to set up a nonsensical analogy as a means of explaining her motivation. She spends the remainder of her time explaining the analogy in greater detail, at the expense of any substance. Whoever advised the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment that dehumanizing her potential constituency was a good idea probably had a hand in this.


Meg Whitman -- "I'm Ready"





"...and a billionaire with no government experience..." In the interest of full disclosure, I probably should mention that I won't be voting for either choice in California's gubernatorial election. According to the phenomenally prescient polling site, 538.com, Whitman's chances on Election Day are slim. She's run a curious campaign with its major flaw exposed in the spot above. Until two weeks ago, Whitman made little effort to "introduce" herself and/or her family to voters. Say what you will about her opponent -- former California Governor Jerry Brown -- but, voters know him. Warts and all. Here, Whitman shoots herself in the foot by acknowledging -- and giving credence to -- her perceived disconnect with the working class and her empty political resume. Whitman should've been running these ads six months ago, so that she could better control the public narrative. Now, it looks like a reach for "sensitive extremism".


Christine O'Donnell -- "I'm You"





O'Donnell released this ad in response to recently-publicized comments she made on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect talk show in 1999. I'm no political adviser, but addressing the "witchcraft" controversy head-on was the only way to go. The problem, though, is O'Donnell's staggering lack of comfort in front of the camera. She only spends five seconds on the witch stuff, before artificially injecting some venom into her delivery for the "spending, trading favors..." part. And, what's with the "I'm you" addendum at the end? It comes across as a desperate catchphrase.

Wednesday morning can't get here soon enough.

AiAA: Escape from Oz

I'm admittedly late in bringing this to the attention of the blogosphere, so you'll have to forgive me. It's just that I was a BIG fan of HBO's hour-long prison drama Oz. The series -- set within the fictitious confines of the Oswald State Correctional Facility -- ran from 1998 through 2003. During the early years of my weekly music news column, Oz was one of the first pop culture references I ran into the ground through overuse and repetition -- right up there with Lil' Kim and the multi-hued Huxtable kids.

After Oz ended, several of the show's stars moved on to even more prominent television roles. Harold Perrineau was an important cog in the mythology of Lost -- for awhile. Chris Meloni manages to maintain a straight face throughout every ridiculous plot twist of Law & Order: SVU. And, Edie Falco completed her cable television trifecta with critically-acclaimed turns on The Sopranos and Nurse Jackie.

Dean Winters played sh*t-stirring inmate Ryan O'Reily.

JK Simmons played neo-Nazi prisoner Vern Schillinger.

The below clip features both characters, but before you watch, keep in mind (1) the acting was frequently uneven and/or over-the-top -- without making Oz any less entertaining and (2) NSFW:





These days, Winters -- who landed post-Oz gigs on Rescue Me, Life on Mars and a well-received recurring role on 30 Rock -- can be found in commercials for Allstate Insurance:








I like these commercials. Really, I do.

But, the origins of this lightly-read blog lie within Oz character landmarks like Adebisi's teeny knit hat and Jaz Hoyt's enormous...uh, enormity. I don't want them selling me insurance.

JK Simmons has coincidentally landed an equally irreverent ad campaign for insurance. Schillinger! He played J. Jonah Jameson in the Spider-Man movies and appeared regularly on the Law & Order franchise and TNT's The Closer. Now, Farmers wants me to "come study with Professor Nathaniel Burke"?

Sigh.

I hope we'll always have Oz, y'all.

TBG TV: Running Wilde

When/Where: FOX -- Tuesdays at 9:30 PM

10-Word Premise: "I'm conservative and she's liberal. We're the original Odd Couple!"

Starring: Will Arnett as Jack Handle, a retired cop Steve Wilde, billionaire...he owns a mansion and a yacht. Keri Russell as Emmy Kadubic...an accurate depiction of all those eco-friendly women who shave their legs and wash their hair regularly. Stefania Owen as Puddle Kadubic...the obligatory child actor who's always the "realest" person in the room. Peter Serafinowicz as the white guy playing an...Arab? (Recent history indicates... this won't end well.)

The Best Thang: With the show teetering on the brink of cancellation (its audience has dwindled from the 5.9 million who tuned in for the series premiere five weeks ago to 2.9 million for this week's episode) the writers and producers should be lamenting their biggest missed opportunity. The comedic chemistry between "Steve Wilde" (Arnett) and "Fa'ad Shaoulin" (Serafinowicz) is terrific. Their characters' mutually obtuse rivalry -- based on tiny horses one week, perhaps chest hair the next -- generates legitimate laughs. Focusing the show on two oblivious, wealthy caricatures might've been risky given the national economic climate, but their offbeat banter deserves more screen time. Their (poorly) premeditated "fake psychiatrist" bit killed me in the pilot.

The Worst Thang: It's just...lazy. Two primary characters with divergent social views somehow see eye-to-eye in the final scene every week. There are "dirty hippie" and "insensitive capitalist" digs with a small orbit of annoying secondary characters floating in and out of every scene. Most disappointing -- considering the show's incessant "from the creators of Arrested Development" hype -- is the quality of the writing. I'm still groaning from Keri Russell's lament in the pilot ("You don't do charity for an award. You do good for nothing. [Pause] I guess you still are.") See what she did there? See? Ugh.

The Verdict: I'm glad I got this review in before the official ax fell. There are still a few new shows sitting unwatched on my DVR, but none of them could be worse than Running Wilde. The FOX network has been in the primetime television business for almost 25 years. One of these decades, they'll stop picking up pilots with the broadcast philosophy of filling dead air between Duet and The New Adventures of Beans Baxter.

TBG TV: Raising Hope

When/Where: FOX -- Tuesdays at 9:00 PM

10-Word Premise: It really takes an especially f*cked up and dysfunctional village...

Starring: Lucas Neff as one of those the aimless 25-year-olds we all know who'd put his life on hold to raise a daughter from a one-night-stand. Martha Plimpton as the slacker's mother who -- like every mom and dad since the dawn of man -- lectures her son over his questionable life choices, even though she made similarly bad decisions (and in an age when pregnant women could drink (at the 8:30 mark) and smoke with impunity).

The Best Thang: Martha Plimpton is terrific as the family matriarch. In the pilot, she assumes the role of "reluctant grandmother" to her son's infant daughter with a brilliant, slightly-detached annoyance. Watching the ice melt away as she sang Hope to sleep at the end of the premiere episode was an overt reach for the heartstrings, but necessary to balance out the previous 22 minutes of snark, sarcasm and topless Cloris Leachman. The intentionally-expedited explanation behind Hope's conception -- from the frying pan to the head all the way through to the electric chair -- was wickedly dark and well-written.

The Worst Thang: I've only seen the premiere -- with the next two episodes resting undisturbed on my DVR -- but, I wonder how long Neff's "Jimmy Chance" character can keep the "ill-equipped dad" bit interesting. His makeshift car seats ("Even driving slow, that bean bag slid a LOT on the turns.") and diaper-changing challenges can become the kind of broad comedic crutch that belies the show's single camera, laugh-track absent approach. I was lukewarm to almost all of the secondary characters (Shannon Woodward's smarmy "Sabrina" fell especially flat) and the use of Cloris Leachman as the crazy old lady has become its own tired cliché.

The Verdict: Raising Hope could become an intelligent take on single fatherhood in a whacked-out world or a one-note joke full of poop and vomit comedy -- and the pilot didn't scrimp on the scatological humor. I'm optimistic that the show will find its footing, though. Hell, even I figured out fatherhood after a few months...and just one concussion.

TBG TV: Sh*t My Dad Says

10-Word Premise: Resurrecting Archie Bunker on the 40th anniversary of his debut.

Starring: William Shatner as the mouthy, politically incorrect curmudgeon whose primary adversary is the young, idealistic guy who lives under his roof. (I mean, really, CBS…you could've solved this show's over-reported problem with America's DVR search functions by just calling it Still All in the Family. It's the SAME thing.) Jonathan Sadowski as "Meathead 2.0". Former WCW superstar Will Sasso as the obnoxiously successful sibling and Nicole Sullivan as the superfluous, unlikeable daughter-in-law.

The Best Thang: There was one – ONE – solid line of dialogue in the pilot episode. With the week's conflict resolved and the closing credits about to roll, the father (Shatner) and son (Sadowski) are sharing a comedic moment that involves the son impersonating the father. Shatner's "Ed Goodson" character laments, "Why can't someone do a GOOD impression of me?" That bit of self-referential fun was the only time this show exhibited even a shred of heart or soul.

The Worst Thang: I can't ever remember watching a pilot episode – the episode that is ostensibly an audition for the network suits and, ultimately, the audience – in which everyone on-screen seemed so disinterested. Shatner shuffles from scene to scene dispensing lifeless zingers and lightly pushing the boundaries of broadcast television ("…I'll decorate my Buick with your balls…!") In one scene, the son wistfully reminisces about his childhood and a series of insults received from his father. The monotonous detailing of each individual dig could've been read straight from the Twitter feed that inspired this show.

The Verdict: The "Archie Bunker" character worked because he was oblivious to his character flaws and written with such a brilliant comedic bent that he was easy to lampoon. Shatner's "Ed Goodson" is just an unlikeable d*ck with a handful of background characters who wait patiently for his verbal abuse. This show's a shamelessly lazy and unfunny effort from everyone involved.

TBG TV: Outsourced

When/Where: NBC -- Thursdays at 9:30 PM

10-Word Premise: See if you can imagine The Office...and, you're done.

Starring: Ben Rappaport as Jim Halpert, Rebecca Hazlewood as Pam Beesley, Rizwan Manji as Dwight Schrute, Sacha Dhawan as Ryan Howard, Diedrich Bader as Creed Bratton, Parvesh Cheena as Kelly Kapoor, Pippa Black as Karen Filippelli and Anisha Nagarajan as Phyllis Smith.

The Best Thang: The geek in me squealed with delight at the sight (and sound) of Diedrich Bader's ugly mildly unattractive American character, Charlie. I still remember him fondly as Lawrence the neighbor in 1999's Office Space ("No, thanks, man. I don't want you f*cking up my life, too.") And, for the record, I was incessantly quoting that movie LONG before the rest of you discovered it on DVD. Bader's also the voice of Batman on the new Brave and the Bold cartoon, so...yeah. He can do no wrong. In the premiere, he attempts to dissuade the new guy from ordering traditional Indian food in the cafeteria ("Do you hate your own ass?") See? No wrong.

The Worst Thang: Outsourced lifts so liberally from The Office that NBC should just pen the script for the contrived crossover episode, already. The character links above aren't that far apart -- right down to the "unofficial manager" bit that Dwight Schrute used in the first few years of The Office, now carried on by this show's Rajiv character. Simply way too many jokes about the Indian staff's names ("Manmeet"? Hahahahaha!), cultures and customs, as every joke was written for the lowest common denominator. I get that this was the pilot and probably the best place to get them all out of the way in one episode, but it was still pretty repugnant.

The Verdict: The premiere had its moments (a reference to the classic 1980s arcade game "Frogger" and the "Detroit -- home of black people" line), but the writing would have to get a lot smarter for me give it another viewing.

TBG TV: Mike & Molly

When/Where: CBS – Mondays at 9:30 PM

10-Word Premise: Shockingly, the fat guy's sitcom love interest isn't 110 lbs.

Starring: Stand-up comedian Billy Gardell as the unrealistically obese beat cop – continuing a television tradition that includes Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons, House from Police Academy – The Series and, of course, the late Big Boss Man. Melissa McCarthy as the plus-size gal with a heart of gold – continuing a television tradition that includes Oprah Winfrey (1985-1987, 1991-1993, 1995, 2007-present), Cass Elliot in those two episodes of Scooby-Doo and, of course, the late Wendie Jo Sperber.

Reno Wilson (the voice of Autobot Bojangles in the last Transformers movie) as Gardell's obligatory buddy cop/black friend. Katy Mixon as McCarthy's dim-witted, pot-smoking "perfect" sister. And, Swoosie Kurtz…who should still be entertaining America on Pushing Daisies, if YOU people hadn't ignored it and forced her into this.

The Best Thang: Gardell's "Mike" and McCarthy's "Molly" have a sweet, awkward chemistry that…works? In the premiere, Mike's pathetic attempts to ask Molly out could've been cribbed from the script of my first two years in college. There were a few clever little sight gags involving an elementary school urinal and the name of a Hall of Fame running back that made me chuckle, while the inappropriate payoff to Mike's "dad" speech in Molly's class was pretty damn funny. I'm as shocked as y'all.

The Worst Thang: This show's going to run out of fat jokes and it's going to happen sooner rather than later. Two overweight people in a stairwell ("OK, one of you has to inhale!") is just…two overweight people in a stairwell, writers. Not surprisingly, the secondary cast members were just broadly-drawn caricatures in the pilot episode.

The Verdict: The premiere episode was surprisingly entertaining. It's not exactly groundbreaking, but the throwback feel to the sitcom structure of my adolescence is actually effective. The actors are plenty likeable and if the writing can catch up, I just might stick around.

TBG TV: 2010 Fall Preview -- Thursday

Show I'm Already Watching: The caustic, cynical sitcom didn't die when Daria went off the air, y'all! NBC's Community was my favorite new show from last year, featuring solid writing and off-the-charts cast chemistry all season. In any given week, Donald Glover's "Troy" character could be plotting with Danny Pudi's "Abed", while Shirley (Yvette Nicole Brown) and Britta (Gillian Jacobs) are discussing Winger (Joel McHale), when – unbeknownst to the them -- Winger and Annie are sharing a forbidden kiss. Hell, I even warmed up to Chevy Chase and his dated "Chevy Chase" routine. This is a man who hasn't been funny since 1989, people! Community brought him back! Community!

Show I'm No Longer Watching: So long, The Office. The Jim/Pam piñata is a lazy scapegoat and my issues with your increasingly infrequent funny run a lot deeper than that. In simplest terms: Michael Scott has insulted/offended everyone that he possibly can; Dwight Schrute's corporate power plays fail every week and any interesting, outside-the-box storylines (Michael Scott Paper Company, Ryan the Boss) are cut off at the knees in mid-stream. I'm absolutely rooting for the show to re-find its footing. But, with news that this will be Steve Carrell's last season, this seems like the right time to get off. And, don't try to entice me with the return of Amy Ryan. I might've been the only Office fan who found her to be more "annoying" than "adorable". There, I said it.

New Shows to TiVO: I'm a sucker for any new show that receives almost universally negative reviews. And, the near-record levels of critical bile for both NBC's Outsourced and CBS's Sh*t My Dad Says has me ironically excited. Outsourced is another office-based sitcom, but with the racial/cultural humor exported to India. Sh*t My Dad Says revolves around an inappropriate, politically-incorrect patriarch. How can a half-assed attempt to recapture the early magic of The Office and Archie Bunker, respectively, possibly fail? Spectacularly, I hope!

New Show with No Chance: I don't care how leggy Maggie Q might be – and, Lord Jesus, those legs stretch from floor to ceiling – I just can't get my head around the umpteenth iteration of the Nikita (CW) series. The Cold War ended two decades ago and, consequently, made characters like Nikita, Boris Badenov and Inspector Gadget archaic. In fact, the end of hostilities with the Soviet Union erased two Nikitas from relevancy. Don't laugh, America. I'm old enough to remember how close to the brink we were.

TBG TV: 2010 Fall Preview -- Wednesday

Shows I'm Already Watching: My deeply-embedded bias against child actors keeps me from crowning Modern Family (ABC) as the best new show from last season, but the silver medal is nothing to sneeze at. Well-written and brilliantly cast, the individual storylines with each of the three couples/families could easily stand on their own from week-to-week. That the writers so effectively weave them into an often-satisfying finish is no small feat.

I'm still on board with Cougar Town, but found myself enjoying the season a little bit less by the end of its premiere season. Early on, Courtney Cox's "Jules" character was played for self-deprecating laughs on the dating scene with several eccentric – and excellent – characters in the background. Somewhere along the way, the show turned into Friends: Over 40 -- Grayson slept with Jules' girlfriend Laurie , but realized his mistake and tried to keep it a secret. But, then Andy found out and told his wife, Ellie -- Jules' other girlfriend. Grayson and Jules then slept together and EVERYONE knows except Jules' ex-husband, Bobby. Yes, I'm still on board!

Show I'm No Longer Watching: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Law & Order: SVU. Mrs. Bootleg and I didn't discover you until the spring of 2004, when our then-infant son Jalen was hooked up to his portable heart monitor and on house arrest during the first two months after he came home from the hospital. Thanks to the continuous loop of reruns that aired on the USA Network, we were caught up on all five seasons in a week and a half. I followed the first-run episodes for six more seasons on NBC, but I'm officially out. The increasingly absurd storylines, ridiculous plot twists and seemingly weekly "...you crossed the line, hand in your badge...!" proclamations proved too incessant to overcome.

New Show to TiVO: I don't have high hopes for Undercovers (NBC) -- the latest JJ Abrams drama -- but, in accordance with the wishes of the National Black Caucus and Ebony Magazine, I'm obligated to give it a shot. Boris Kodjoe and Gugu Mbatha-Raw star as husband-and-wife superspies. (Alternate title: Mr. & Mrs. (Black)Smith*) In the promos I've seen, Mbatha-Raw's gun-wielding believability falls somewhere between Melanie Griffith and Kathleen Turner.

* -- There is no way - NONE - that I was the first person to make this joke. But, I've been sitting on it since I first heard this show was on its way and I make no apologies for my lazy, racial play-on-words.

New Show with No Chance: I already told you about my favorite Wednesday night show. Modern Family gives equal time to three different relationships. There's the "married, middle-aged with children" unit; the "older man marries woman half his age" couple and the "committed gay men who've just become fathers". Easy to follow...the concepts are accessible to most viewers...1, 2, 3. In the 8:30 PM timeslot, ABC is debuting Better with You -- described by one its stars as being "about relationships in three different stages". There's the "about-to-get-married" couple, the "ain't-never-gonna-get-married" couple and the old married couple. Easy to follow...the concepts are accessible to most viewers...1, 2, 3. No thanks, ABC. You've got me covered 30 minutes later.

TBG TV: 2010 Fall Preview -- Tuesday

Shows I'm Already Watching: Nothing? What the hell kind of "Fall TV Preview" is this?! Truth be told, I had to check out my Tuesday TV preview post from last year to see what new show I had intended to watch. Aaaand…it seems I "totally planned" to watch ABC's remake of V…except I never did. After the first two episodes, m'man Daniels called it the "best new show of the [2009] season, so far." But…in last week's Entertainment Weekly, executive producer Scott Rosenbaum said that the first season "lacked mythology" and "didn't answer enough questions". That sure sounds like the retroactive admissions of a TV suit who's frantically trying to placate a skeptical fanbase.

New Show to TiVO: I've made the not-so-difficult decision to drop a certain long-running Wednesday night drama and a certain long-running Thursday night comedy from my DVR rotation. Consequently, I'm opening up Tuesday nights to three new shows. The premise of Raising Hope (FOX) has been done to death (ill-prepared slacker become an iller-prepared single father), but the reviews have been favorable and almost always include the words "dark" and "mean-spirited". Sold!

Will Arnett's Running Wilde (FOX) has me less enthused (an Odd Couple concept that puns its title from a character's surname? Why not call it Handle with Care?), but I'll give it a shot. Finally, Michael Chiklis gets another super-hero opportunity with No Ordinary Family (ABC). I admire how quickly everyone on planet Earth agreed to strike those awful Fantastic Four movies from existence, but it remains to be seen whether Chiklis can be anything other than a brooding, morally ambiguous chap wrapped in a leather jacket – a Dark Knight Danny Zuko, as it were.

New Show with No Chance: Good ol' TV and its never-ending quest to exploit the socioeconomically depressed. Never change! Not long after the Los Angeles riots in 1992, FOX green-lit the pandering, depressing and short-lived South Central. A decade later, FOX's K-Ville awkwardly brought the buddy-cop concept to post-Katrina New Orleans. This season, ABC has Detroit 1-8-7. The Motor City is universally regarded as the embodiment of America's failing economy AND boasts a real-life 21st century crime rate that the writers of Robocop depicted with 95 – 98% accuracy back in 1987. Using this as the backdrop for Nielsen-driven fiction seems unnecessary.

TBG TV: 2010 Fall Preview -- Monday

Shows I'm Already Watching: Nothing. Still! I tried to rectify that last fall with CBS' freshman entry Accidentally on Purpose. Unfortunately, star Jenna Elfman and an unspectacular cast were handed a dated concept – older woman carries the baby of a younger, immature man – straight from the sitcom syndication days of the late 1980s. (Seriously, "That Bootleg Teen" would've watched the 1989 version starring Ann Jillian in the lead role – fresh from her run on It's A Living – and the guy who played Mallory's bouffant boyfriend on the just-ended Family Ties as her baby-daddy. Oh, come on! My imaginary show is no worse than We Got It Made, She's the Sheriff or Small Wonder.)

Now, I know a lot of friends and co-workers who swear by CBS' Monday Night lineup, but I have a hard time getting in on established shows – even the ones that are episodically insulated like most situation comedies. Years ago, several of my readers implored me to give Arrested Development a try. "The humor is right up your alley", I was told. I never watched and it was cancelled. Do I blame myself? Well, no more than I blame all of YOU for the cancellation of Pushing Daisies. It was a good show!

New Show to TiVO: Twenty years ago, I was one of the few people in America who wasn't watching Roseanne. Today, I get the opportunity to be one of the few people in America who'll tune in for the ersatz version -- the series premiere of Mike & Molly (CBS). Billy Gardell and Melissa McCarthy are a plus-size, working-class couple who…well, he's a beat cop and she's an elementary school teacher. I'm setting the "over/under" for the first episode's number of donut jokes at 1.5 and the number of adorably mean-spirited digs from the teacher's grade school kids at two. Place your bets.

New Show with No Chance: Sorry, The Event (NBC). If recent history is any indication – and it ALWAYS is – here's how my viewing experience with your twisty-turny show will go: (1) I'll watch the premiere. (2) I'll mention to Mrs. Bootleg – who dozed off after the first 15 minutes – that your show didn't grab me out of the gate, but I'll give it a chance. (3) Your next four episodes will sit undisturbed on my DVR before I delete them with a half-assed promise to Netflix the first season on DVD and jump on board for the start of the second season. I respectfully offer up The Nine, Invasion and Flash Forward as exhibits A, B and C.

TBG TV: 2010 Fall Preview -- Sunday

Shows I'm Already Watching: Yup. I'm still watching The Simpsons. No one disputes how far the show's fallen from its apex*; but the last few seasons have been perfectly watchable and still capable of producing an infrequent gem. I remain onboard with the rest of FOX's "Animation Domination" line-up, too. The Cleveland Show had an uneven first season, but rallied nicely after its unimpressive pilot. Meanwhile, the infrequent funnies on Family Guy and American Dad! are trumped by my need to bash something in my infrequent Sunday Night blog recap.

* -- Has there ever been a definitive ruling on WHEN the peak years of The Simpsons were? I prefer the broad brush retrospective retrospecticus and claim 1990 through 2000. I could be talked into narrowing that stretch down to 1993 through 1997 -- coincidentally, the same five-year run gave us the rise and fall of commercialized West Coast rap. God, I miss 1993 through 1997.

New Show to TiVO: I guess I'll half-heartedly endorse HBO's Boardwalk Empire. I dunno, though. Steve Buscemi in the lead role of a $65 million (and counting) roll of the dice to recapture that "thinking man's serial drama" spirit of The Sopranos? In Entertainment Weekly's write-up of the show, one of the executive producers is already administering damage control by hinting that it may be too smart for audiences and tamping down TV ratings expectations. I make no promises here.

New Show with No Chance: (Tie) The Walking Dead (AMC) and Sarah Palin's Alaska (TLC). OK, would an "Enough with the zombies and vampires, already!" joke be too "Jay Leno" or too "George Lopez"? Really? Even though she IS the walking undead!

Nosferatu!

Das Wampyr!

[Readers look at screen blankly.]

A vampire!**

** -- The above dialogue was lifted from The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror IV episode (original airdate: 28 October 1993). And, we've come full circle.

TBG Throwback: Black Actress Survivor

It appears that most – if not all – of my previously archived work from my three-year run as a weekly columnist and features writer on the Inside Pulse pop culture website has fallen off the grid. That's as good an excuse as any to hunt through my hard drive for retro-blog fodder.

"Black Actress Survivor" was one of the more well-received pieces that appeared in my old Bootleg column. It was a collaborative effort with m'man Joe Reid from a time when concepts were discussed over AOL Instant Messenger and there were enough working black actresses in Hollywood to fill six pages of satire.

So, for those of you who've always wanted dozens of real-life African-American actresses cast on your favorite contrived island reality show…your wait is over. Or as I originally introduced this piece that first ran on September 2, 2005:

Join me on this 10-week midseason replacement run as an assortment of anonymous African-American women attempt to…out-black, out-sass and out-exaggerated finger snap one another, all on: Black Actress Survivor!

Week 1: After paddling to the shores of their deserted island, Sanaa Lathan and Kerry Washington get to the business of starting a fire, while Kim Fields and Tatyana Ali squabble over water-gathering duties. After a grueling immunity challenge, Marla Gibbs becomes the token old lady voted off first.

Week 2: This week opens with a shocking and surprising development as Jackeé and Kim Coles wash ashore like a pair of beached beluga whales. Cold, heavy and hungry (natch), the pair sandwich themselves into each tribe. Mere minutes before the eventual elimination of Nia Long, there's tomfoolery afoot! The final two votes against Nia come from former Cosby Kids, Keisha Knight-Pulliam and Tempestt Bledsoe. The unemployed pair had been presumed dead and eaten…by Natalie Desselle -- who starred opposite Halle Berry in B.A.P.S.

Week 3: Strategy is the name of the game in week three, as alliances start to build. Regina Hall is approached by Regina King for a partnership based on their shared . . . loathing of Tisha Campbell. Tisha, meanwhile, seeks refuge in a proposed Boomerang alliance with Halle Berry and Eartha Kitt. That plan falls through when Eartha tries for one purring voiceover too many and accidentally chokes to death.

After flying under the radar for the first two weeks, Jennifer Beals is voted out for "trying to pass." At tribal council, a shifty-eyed Jasmine Guy and Rae Dawn Chong realize they're gonna need a new game plan.

Week 4: The Parkers Countess Vaughn and Mo'Nique emerge from the island's twin tar pits of UPN Cancellation-cum-BET Syndication. However, the two were no match for resident island muscle, Marsha Warfield, who knocks them back into the abyss of Black Entertainment Television and an eternity as the lead-in for Eve.

Meanwhile, Lela Rochon and Theresa Randle return from their most recent vestiges of relevancy (1997's Gang Related and Spawn, respectively) and immediately start beef with Angela Bassett. Their good-natured potshots ("Why come you ain't green, She-Hulk?") precede more personal attacks, until Bassett finally snaps.

Week 5: By the time the fifth week rolls around, the ladies are getting on each others' nerves. Gabrielle Union just will not stop with the "this one time with Morris Chestnut" and "that other movie I did with Morris" stories. Jennifer Lewis finally has to tell her to shut the hell up. Elsewhere, a jonesing Macy Gray takes a knife to Vivica A. Fox's hair extensions in an ill-fated attempt to smoke them.

At tribal council, the Aged Alliance of Mary Alice, Cicely Tyson, and Irma P. Hall team up to give Robin Givens the knockout punch that Mike never gave her. As Givens gets her torch snuffed, an inebriated Macy Gray (she found a toad to lick) can be heard slurring "from 'Head of the Class' to out on your ass, bitch!"

Week 6: Food is getting scarce. For the last seven days, both tribes have been forced to subsist off the scraps and seaweed stuck between Paula Jai Parker's 63 teeth. Even worse, it appears that T'Keyah "Crystal" Keymah island-inspired "fishbone n' coconut" African-American hair and beauty care products have the women looking like the remains of Rain Pryor. A sullen and silent S. Epatha Merkerson is voted off the island, as she could not muster up a word in her own defense. The Law & Order star is only used to one or two lines per week in prime time. Sadly, she filled her quota with a quip on how she DOES look similar to a shaven Gregory Hines.

Week 7: Week seven sees the tribes merge and make camp at a smaller, more remote island. They make their move at night, and wait until Wanda Sykes falls asleep before they go, leaving her behind to relive her glory days of Pootie Tang all alone. Nona Gaye keeps trying to find an alliance to join, but sadly, unlike with the Matrix sequels, Aaliyah's not around to die so a spot can open up for her.

Lisa Nicole Carson and Loretta Devine engage in an epic breasts-vs.-breasts showdown that's been in the making ever since their first altercation in the David E. Kelley staff lounge back in 1999.

And finally, after weeks and weeks of putting up with her constant challenge-time exhortations of "Come on! It's all in the face! Pow! Fierce! What!" Tyra Banks is finally sent packing to her other reality show.

Week 8: It's the start of sweeps month and, in a blatant grab for ratings, both women who played Mrs. Vivian Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air are sharing quality on-screen island time. Admittedly, it doesn't make for the most riveting TV, as Janet Hubert-Whitten and Daphne Maxwell-Reid have patched up most of their long-existing differences, with only one unsettled issue left open for discussion: What was up with the casting of Karyn Parsons as the oldest Banks kid? Were producers just trying to capitalize on The Cosby Show's random mocha-colored child quota? And, in a surprising twist, Queen Latifah is voted off as the status of "one-time Academy Award nominee" couldn't outweigh her current standing of "one-time star of Beauty Shop and Taxi".

Week 9: Let the mad charge to the finale begin, with multiple tribal councils seeing casualties falling left and right. Erika Alexander, bereft of her Living Single alliance-mates, proves easy pickings. In a shocking development, Lynn Whitfield and Alfre Woodard both look at each other and can't believe they're stuck on the same island as these no-talent sitcom has-beens and up and row the canoe back to respectability. And a dearth of Hollywood roles for them.

Kimberly Elise keeps trying to get Oprah on the phone so she can call in a few favors that she built up on the set of Beloved (letting O have the last Boston Crème in the box has its benefits), but she and Thandie Newton keep tying up the lines, and they're both given the boot.

And at long last, Ruby Dee is voted off, as a jealous (and clueless) Holly Robinson Peete exclaims "Mother Sister?! That doesn't even make sense!"

Week 10: The final tribal council draws closer, and thus the biggest threats to win become the biggest targets.

Fearing the tremendous sway they'll have with the jury (the jury being filled with old gay men for some reason), Diahann Carroll and Lena Horne are dispatched in short order.

Jada Pinkett Smith, who had been flying under the radar (literally, she was too short to be picked up by detection equipment), gets noticed when Vanessa L. Williams trips over her. Having saved the best for last, Vanessa engineers Jada's ouster.

Meanwhile, former ER stars Michael Michele and Khandi Alexander team up to vote out Anna Deavere Smith, having grown wary of the woman's surprisingly prominent jowls and the damage they could cause after a month without proper nourishment.

And, finally, with the surprise elimination of Elise Neal and a landslide jury vote over Sheryl Lee Ralph (during which the jury fiercely debated exactly how Sheryl came to be famous anyway), the winner of Black Actress Survivor is finally crowned . . .

The one . . .

The only . . .

The eternally teenaged . . .