Ranking the 45 Number One Songs on My Birthday

45 sucks. Yes, I'm probably biased, but hear me out. On March 30, 2018, I turned 45. The next day, while lifting an innocuous cooler of beer at my 14-year-old son's baseball game, I wrenched my back. Undisputed clinical proof that 45 is a pain. Over the summer, I stopped shaving. The results were decidedly... uneven. More proof -- albeit, aesthetic -- that 45 is a goddam embarrassment. Finally, in the fall, I was diagnosed with AERD and needed two days of controlled treatment. 45 is f cking insidious, fam. It needs its own #45sucks hashtag campaign or social media logo* or marketing**...thing.

** -- I graduated from San Diego State University in 1997 with a BS in Marketing. The internet made me irrelevant in under 18 months. Fortunately, I married way outside my league!

Way back in 2003 (you know it's a vital anniversary, because it's divisible by five) I began writing a weekly column called the Friday Music News Bootleg. It ran for three years and a few months after it ended, I started this bare-bones blog. Over the past 15 years, I've written about everything from deep-fried fair food to family eulogies, but music will always be where it began.

So, let's lift a collective middle finger to the face of 45, by revisiting -- AND DEFINITIVELY RANKING -- all 45 songs that charted at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 on each of my 45 birthdays. On the day of my birth, the #1 song in the country was Love Train by the O'Jays. 1973 also featured #1 classics by Stevie Wonder, Jim Croce, Marvin Gaye and Gladys Knight. Physiologically and chronologically, the calendar makes me uniquely qualified to offer my ear to the best music from March 30, 1974 through 2018...but, we start with the worst!

45.) Butterfly by Crazy Town (2001) -- Oh, rap-rock. You weren't the first flash-in-the-pan fusion of musical genres, but you were undoubtedly the most unlistenable. Remember the four-day disaster of "Woodstock '99"? Limp Bizkit performed there...as did Reveille...as did Insane Clown Posse...as did Kid Rock! According to my math, that's one disaster for each day! Will modern-day cultural appropriation ever find its patient zero? Stay tuned!

44.) Sunshine on my Shoulders by John Denver (1974) -- As I entered elementary school in the late 1970s, few troubadours were as ubiquitous as the bespectacled Denver. When I was 5 or 6, I thought he might've actually been a Muppet for all his maudlin cameos alongside Kermit. Denver reportedly wrote this song at the end of an unforgiving Minnesota winter, but come on: "Sunshine almost always makes me high"? COME ON.

43.) Harlem Shake by Baauer (2013) -- Did I mention I'm 45-years-old? I've lived long enough for a single to hit #1 because of a YouTube video that became internet-meme infamy. The only thing about the story of this song that, say, 18-year-old me would understand is that no one made any money off it, because none of the samples were cleared. (Meanwhile, 45-year-old me only recently learned how to pronounce "meme".)

42.) Rock Me Amadeus by Falco (1986) -- The A&M label released 19(!) versions and remixes of this single, but MY favorite is the heretofore unreleased 20th...sigh. Look. Those of you who've been reading my writing since the beginning know where this is going. I am nothing if not beholden to the traditional crutch of this lightly-read blog. Anyways...the heretofore unreleased 20th remix!

41.) The Sign by Ace of Base (1994) -- Although considered one of -- if not THE -- greatest years for hip hop, the genre wasn't yet cranking out chart-topping singles. Instead, we get the Swedish pop stylings of Ace of Base. Ulf Ekberg and the Berggren siblings conspired to RUIN my 21st birthday with their repetitive, broken-relationship pap. What hath ABBA and Roxette wrought?!

40.) Rapture by Blondie (1981) -- This was the first number one single to incorporate rap vocals? Huh. I assume it was also the first to include "sacroiliac" as a lyric. The video debuted on -- and I'm excited to type this -- "Solid Gold" and was part of MTV's first video rotation. Has modern-day cultural appropriation found its "patient zero"? It has!

39.) One More Night by Phil Collins (1985) -- This list will NOT celebrate songs that celebrate simpin'. Hell was the Hart Foundation even talking about? (Yes, I know that's a different song. It's called a non sequitor. You, uh, new readers might wanna get used to it.)

38.) So Sick by Ne-Yo (2006) -- Speaking of simpin'. Ne-Yo is out here telling us he's "so sick of love songs" and asking "why can't I turn off the radio"? Negro, it's not that difficult! And, why in the hell did hip hop heavyweights LL Cool J and Jay-Z appear on various remixes of this? And, Hype Williams directed the music video?! Stargate produced this, so I'm afforded the rare opportunity to dismiss Sweden and Norway within a few dozen words of each other.

37.) Glamorous by Fergie featuring Ludacris (2007) -- After J-Lo's Jenny From the Block and Gwen Stefani's Luxurious earlier in the decade, you'd think American audiences would've tired of hearing how the obscenely loaded and gorgeous were just like all us other uggos. Fergie's d-e-r-i-v-a-t-i-v-e paints by the same numbers with Luda's lazily mailed-in lyrics crammed in for an attempt at urban credibility. The video also attempts, uh..."urban". With dancing Dickies and...damn.

36.) Gettin' Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith (1998) -- It's no secret that Nas -- one of the seminal rappers from the 1990's grimy "return to lyricism" movement -- helped with the writing on Smith's 1997 Big Willie Style release. He was long rumored to have co-written this vapid, vacuous single, as well. Only recently -- presumably as the royalty checks have at last run dry -- has Nas gone on record to distance himself from this mess of excess and shiny-suit residue.

35.) Candy Shop by 50 Cent featuring Olivia (2005) -- Witness protection ain't got nothing on women in rap who show up for a verse or a hook here and there and are never heard from again. Olivia left the G-Unit label in 2007 and would eventually join silenced sisters such as Ms. Toi, Truth/Truth Hurts, Tweet, Jewell and Amil. This is hardly representative of the level of respect and admiration rap music usually has for women.

34.) Right Round by Flo Rida featuring Kesha (2009) -- SEVEN songwriters on a three-minute single about blow jobs that leans heavily on a familiar sample from the disposable-pop heyday of the 1980s? From the guy whose totally original stage name is his home state with a superfluous space? THIS is how middle-aged Americans begin bitching about everything.

33.) Work by Rihanna featuring Drake (2016) -- RiRi appears twice on this list and her two entries couldn't be more opposite from each other. This formulaic bore was intended to bring the Barbadian beauty "back" from the so-so response to 2012's rushed and unpolished Unapologetic album. If the halfhearted, pandering nod to her dancehall roots couldn't win over critics, it's hard to see how Drake's (admittedly, often charismatic) dreck -- "If you had a twin, I would still choose you!" -- could either. Do they not teach basic biology in the province of Ontario, Aubrey? Your lyric is NOT a compliment, man!

32.) Black Velvet by Alannah Myles (1990) -- I liked this song better before I learned that songwriter Christopher Ward penned it after being inspired by...a busload of Elvis Presley fans and impersonators who were heading to Graceland. I once made a playful crack at Elvis' expense in my old weekly music column and endured several days of hate e-mail. Despite their pompadoured hero's protests to the contrary, they were actually quite cruel.

31.) Born This Way by Lady Gaga (2011) -- Just when you think Lady Gaga had ONLY stolen the chords from Madonna's 1989 smash Express Yourself, she hits you with some vocal cadence from Madonna's Vogue as well! There's an inspiring message buried deep -- deep -- within the brazen, unapologetic jacking of beats. Look close. Closer. Closer still. Yes...past the questionable use of "chola" and the unquestionably dated "orient" descriptors. Millennials, man.

30.) Tragedy by The Bee Gees (1979) -- This was the penultimate number one single for the Bee Gees, as the writing was on the wall -- and disco ball -- for the musical genre that ruled radio for the last half of the 1970s. Roughly three months after hitting the top of the charts, Major League Baseball's Chicago White Sox hosted Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park. The line-ups that night included a "Champ", a "Junior" a "Chet" and not one, but TWO "Rustys". (This reminds me...when I was a kid, every other boy was named "Toby" or "Wesley". Where did they all go? And, how does this bode for "Dakota" and "Jordan" today?)

29.) God's Plan by Drake (2018) -- Drake's had three songs reach #1 this year and God's Plan kept hold of the throne for 11 consecutive weeks -- the longest run of 2018. The video, however, reaches all the way out to 2058 as it's mysteriously hosted by former NFL cornerback/strip club aficionado Adam "Pacman" Jones from 40 years in the future. No, seriously. Are there ANY powers that Drake doesn't have?!

28.) Rich Girl by Hall & Oates (1977) -- We've got a ways to go on our list; but I'mma bet this is the only song that references Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz, the Symbionese Liberation Army and cult-favorite 1980s TV drama Hunter on its Wikipedia page. The GREAT guitar and drum break right after the first verse inexplicably isn't mentioned, though. Do better, internet.

27.) December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) by The Four Seasons (1976) -- The roots of this song (kinda-sorta) reach back to 1933 and its 1993 re-release/remix matched the original's 27-week reign on the Billboard Hot 100. That's 60 years we've spent celebrating...*checks lyrics*...one-night stands and..."as I recall, it ended much too soon...". Oh. Oh, god, no.

26.) Believe by Cher (1999) -- The original auto-tune! Hopefully, Cher's getting some residuals from this! Meanwhile, the sheer number of failed relationship-related songs that reached #1 on or around my birthday probably explains at least a little about my fractured psyche, yes? You're too near me not to hear me, Cher.

25.) Jump by Van Halen (1984) -- Let's declare 1984 as the single most "'80s music" year of the decade, OK? Other number ones included: Karma Cameleon, Footloose, Let's Hear it For the Boy, Ghostbusters, What's Love Got to Do With It and Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. Coincidentally, nearly 20 countries boycotted the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles where Lionel Richie sang a NINE-minute version of All Night Long at the closing ceremonies. But, sure..."coincidence".

24.) Shape of You by Ed Sheerhan (2017) -- West Yorkshire's favorite milquetoast vocalist checks in with his usual four minutes of inoffensive whimsy. I do find it funny that he'd take a first date to an all-you-can-eat restaurant (Fill up your bag and I'll fill up a plate...), but it appears to have turned out better than one of MY first dates back in the summer of 1993:

25 years ago this summer, went on a first date. During dinner she said "white people bug me". I could barely finish the first of my three baskets of cheddar bay biscuits. https://t.co/CpgTtlZcVS

— Aaron Cameron (@ThatBootlegGuy) July 10, 2018

23.) Can't Nobody Hold Me Down by Puff Daddy (featuring Ma$e) (1997) -- Songs produced or performed by Sean "Puffy" Combs spent 25 total weeks at #1 in 1997. This one samples heavily from Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five's iconic single The Message and includes one of my favorite ("...spend time in H-A-W-A-AH-AH...") and dirt-worst ("Young, black and famous with money hangin' out the anus.") bars of the year. 25. Total. Weeks.

22.) Coming out of the Dark by Gloria Estefan (1991) -- This was Estefan's first single after her near-fatal tour bus accident in March 1990. The video features Married...With Children alumnus David Garrison -- who left the successful sitcom before it ruined his career, like those of Ed O'Neill...wait, no...Katey Sagal?...wait, no...Christina Applegate?...wait, no...David Faustino? Yes...that'll do. In fact, let's see what ol' Bud's up to.

21.) Love in This Club by Usher featuring Young Jeezy (2008) -- I'm not sure which bit of unintentional hilarity tickles me more. Usher with the opening audience assurance to "...keep it hood" or Young Jeezy telling the ladies to "...meet me in the bathroom" -- after offering up fornication "on the couch, on the table, on the bar or on the floor". Nightclubs are practically a Petri dish of disease, Jeezy. The floor? The bathroom? I hope all these women told the Snowman "no, man". I might've been drinking as I wrote that last line. Regrets? None.

20.) Say My Name by Destiny's Child (2000) -- The drama around this song is probably better than the actual song, as Beyonce turned heel on former bandmates LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson. The video featured 11th hour additions Michelle Williams and Farrah Franklin, but kept the original members' vocals. Obviously, the group's manager -- and Beyonce's father, Mathew Knowles -- was wielding the proverbial sledgehammer, though. The whole ordeal was chronicled in a 2014 made-for-TV movie.

19.) Ain't It Funny by Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule (2002) -- Other than Eminem, there might not have been a more ubiquitous rapper in the early 2000s than Ja Rule. And, other than, say, Nate Dogg, no other hip hop act benefitted more from the word "featuring..." on artist's credits. Jay-Z, Ashanti and J-Lo all shared the mic with Ja on some of his/their biggest hits. Sadly, Ja Rule was murdered at his peak in 2003. His body was never recovered.

18.) Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion (1996) -- Then-Girlfriend Bootleg and I attended, like, 100 weddings before we got engaged (I know, I know...) and this song was probably the father/daughter dance at 98 of 'em. I can't have it higher because it's become SUCH a cliché. What's that you ask? What did my mom and I dance to at MY wedding? That's none of your goddam business...but, it wasn't cliché! Let's move on!

17.) Night Fever by The Bee Gees (1978) -- From the biggest-selling soundtrack of all time; for the first five weeks this song was #1, the Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive was #2. The apex of the disco movement, the Saturday Night Fever phenomenon was absolute alchemy for all involved. Hell, remember John Travolta's highly-publicized 1990s comeback in a role NO ONE expected? Alchemy, kid.

16.) Lean on Me by Club Nouveau (1987) -- One of only nine songs to hit #1 as performed by two different artists, this version -- and the original by Bill Withers -- were featured in the great 1989 Morgan Freeman film of  the same name. Of course, the musical number from THAT flick tops anything modern cinema has ever recorded. Fight me.

15.) Another Brick in the Wall, Part II by Pink Floyd (1980) -- I feel like I'm gonna catch hell for ranking this one so low. The bass-line and drums are wonderful. The anthemic chorus is legendary. The message? It just never connected with me. I was seven when it hit #1...and, I always liked school. In fact, if you were listening to this in class, I'd tell on you. "Nerd", you say? Well, I'm telling teacher you said THAT, too.

14.) I Love Rock & Roll by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (1982) -- I was nine-years-old when I lost my first bet. On the playground of Tarawa Terrace II elementary school near Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, I was convinced that the woman who sang this song and the cute brunette on TV's Three's Company were one and the same. It turns out they were not. I WAS SO SURE.

13.) We Are Young by Fun featuring Janelle Monáe (2012) -- The serendipitous success of this single is so 21st century, son. It was originally released in September 2011 without much fanfare. Later in the year, it was covered by the FOX television series Glee and soon...kaboom. From there, Chevrolet used the song in a commercial that first aired during yet another New England Patriots bed-sh tting Super Bowl loss. Along the way, it broke digital sales/impressions records that were previously held by Eminem and Destiny's Child. If that last sentence doesn't scream "21st century", I don't know what does.

12.) Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars (2015) -- My favorite music truism is how an infectious beat can lift even the most ridiculous lyrics. Dr. Dre and Kanye West -- two of the greatest producers of our generation -- were understandably given a pass on "I get plenty of ass/So, call me an astronaut" (Keep Their Heads Ringin') and "The way Kathie Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus" (Jesus Walks), respectively. So, it's to Ronson's credit that his funk-on-amphetamines approach elevates lines like "Gotta kiss myself, so pretty." and "Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy".

11.) Happy by Pharrell Williams (2014) -- Anyone else remember the 24-hour video for this song? It remains a joyous ode to, uh...joy, but it's omnipresence had y'all forgetting that Pharrell and the Neptunes been in the game for almost 30 years and are probably responsible for getting more folks onto the dance floor at your wedding, high school reunion, office Christmas party or as any other kind of cover for your casual alcoholism.

10.) Rude Boy by Rihanna (2010) -- With the kind of sexual empowerment and assertiveness that could only come from an album called Rated R, it's a terrific spin on the misogyny that's made men millions. It was released less than a year after inexplicably still-standing sh tbag Chris Brown was arrested for assaulting her. She's since dated erstwhile Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp and Canadian diva Drake, proving once again that light-skinned men such as myself are ALWAYS in your league, ladies. *rowr*

9.) Informer by Snow (1993) -- You had to be there. That's the only way I can explain how the best bad song ever -- with apologies to Ini Kamoze -- spent SEVEN weeks at #1 in 1993. I remember incredulous urban radio DJs in LA playing it over and over while overtly protesting its popularity on air. I'll always have a soft spot for this nonsensical sh*t, though, as it was the song that took me into my 20s. It also directly led to the last good In Living Color skit ever.

8.) Yeah! by Usher featuring Ludacris and Lil' Jon (2004) -- My son Jalen was born in 2004. As most of you know, he was a preemie -- born nine weeks early during Mrs. Bootleg's 31st week of pregnancy. As most of you ALSO know, I only mention this in my writing to use the lives of my wife and son to take the most circuitous path to a larger, uninteresting point. Mrs. Bootleg's 31 weeks with Jalen were just three less than the number of weeks Usher's songs spent at #1 in 2004. See?

7.) Save the Best for Last by Vanessa Williams (1992) -- Over the course of a couple of months in early 1992, my first girlfriend dumped me, reconciled with me and then dumped me again. At that time, the top of the Billboard charts were riddled with singles like All 4 Love, Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me and To Be With You. Too bad she missed out on taking me back/breaking up with me that summer when Boyz II Men's End of the Road was RIGHT THERE to ruin me.

6.) Take a Bow by Madonna (1995) -- The usual collection of pearl-clutchers had birthed a backlash towards ol' Madge for the in-plain-sight sexuality she celebrated in the early 1990s. Kudos, repressed prudes! You indirectly forced her into the studio of uber-producer Babyface and the end result is on the short list of Madonna's best songs. Were y'all ever able to scrub your own moral decay and intellectual dishonesty from your fainting couches? Oh, I'm kidding, you feckless hypocrites. I'm kidding.

5.) In Da Club by 50 Cent (2003) -- How big was the first single from 50's debut studio album? It spent nine weeks at #1. Subsequently, it inadvertently served as a springboard for the early release of Get Rich or Die Tryin' due to rampant bootlegging (woo!) and internet leaks. The Dr. Dre-beat bumped so hard, it was essentially lifted and used again on then-labelmate The Game's wonderful Westside Story track two years later. How big was it?! Me and my rhythmless running buddy Dale were bar-hopping in San Francisco in the summer of 2003. This song even got HIM to the dance floor. Here's a reasonable reenactment.

4.) Lady Marmalade by LaBelle (1975) -- Patti LaBelle is a goddam national treasure, we all agree. Similarly, we all agree that her 1992-93 sitcom didn't get a fair shake from NBC, yes? YES. Anyways...this song is SOAKED in sensuality and -- near as I can tell -- is the first use of "freak" as a euphemism for "sex", beating Adina Howard to the punch by, like, 20 years. Ms. Howard and I are the same age, which might be the most definitive "old" identifier in any of these 4000 words.

3.) Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson (1988) -- This song peaked at #2 on the Billboard charts...more than 20 years after its initial release following the death of Michael Jackson. In the same week, it became the most downloaded song on iTunes. An alternate version was used in Jackson's 1988 film Moonwalker. Some of you might remember the poorly-received video game that was inspired by the movie. No? Well, the last paragraph of "arcade gameplay" under its Wikipedia entry might be the greatest thing ever written on the internet.

2.) The Living Years by Mike & The Mechanics (1989) -- My father passed away in March 2018 and this song...holy sh t, this song. It's almost perfect in its representation of heartbreak and regret. I wish my old man and I could've been closer -- he was a hardscrabble jarhead who grew up in Jim Crow Georgia and I'm a soft-ass suburbian who never fully understood or appreciated my pops' pain. My favorite memory of him is from Thanksgiving 1995. My parents had bought their first house -- after I'd moved out, then moved away to San Diego. And, on a typically too-warm late November morning, my dad and I shared a beer -- for the first time -- in the backyard. Just me and him. I remember him asking if I was doing OK. Yes, sir. But, I wish you were still here to make sure.

1.) Billie Jean by Michael Jackson (1983) -- The most recognizable first 30 seconds in the history of pop music. I mean...my parents went out and bought the Thriller album the day it was released -- and, I mean the vinyl ALBUM. And, they played it on THIS. I'd argue Michael Jackson was the last of the "larger-than-life" entertainment icons, as today, fame is handed out like Heath Bars on Halloween. This is probably not his greatest song, but it might be his most perfect.

*-- Logo courtesy of Mike Mitchell. Facts check out.

TBG Beats: "What's Love Got To Do With It", Warren G. featuring Adina Howard

I must confess...I'm an unabashed fan of Twitter. It's helped me get this lightly-read blog in front of a few more eyes and provides an opening into the creativity of some wonderfully thoughtful and funny people.

That said...Twitter can be a stupid jerk sometimes. If you're on it, you know its faults. And, none of them is worse than the intentionally-spread false celebrity death rumors that pop up there from time to time.

Earlier today, "RIP Jackie Chan" was a trending topic. I was in between meetings when I saw it and some obscure, possible blog fodder immediately crossed my mind. Thankfully, though, Chan is alive and well.

I like Chan well enough. I've seen most of his American movies and obviously appreicate his otherworldly stunt work. But, my most lasting memory of Jackie Chan is from a 15-year-old music video -- from a time when Chan, Warren G. and Adina Howard(!) were pop culture commodities.

I still can't decide if this is a really good bad song or a really bad good song.

Glad you're still with us, Jackie.

You too, Warren.

Adina's still alive, right?

Featuring Nate Dogg

Nathaniel ("Nate Dogg") Hale Nate ("Nathaniel Hale") Dogg passed away last night from complications brought on by a pair of strokes he suffered -- one in 2007, another in 2008. He was 41 years old.

Nate Dogg's music meant a lot to me. And, yes, I can appreciate -- even embrace -- the irony of that statement. He was an undeniably limited artist who played the role of second banana on even his greatest audio achievements. His harmonizing (holding long, low notes for profanities, vulgarities and miscellaneous misogynistic slurs) was easy to lampoon -- as m'man Nick'a and I did frequently during our run in my old Friday Music News Bootleg weekly column. And, even I can't defend the zoot suit, spats and bowler hat ensemble Nate Dogg wore during his Harlem Nights days with Death Row Records.

But, Nate Dogg was part of the west coast's burgeoning commercial rap scene in the early 1990s. The sonic epicenter just happened to be my hometown of Long Beach, California. Nate Dogg had achieved a modicum of notoriety for his work on Dr. Dre's seminal album The Chronic, but his first real break came in 1993 on the weed anthem "Indo Smoke".





1993 was also the year in which I got my own s**t together. Many long bus rides across town to work or to school or to the next bus stop, so I could transfer to another bus were accompanied by my omnipresent Sony Walkman and a backpack that -- at any given time -- was two parts college curriculum and 20 parts cassette tapes.

Personally and professionally, the summer of 1994 was the best time of my life to that point. It coincided with Warren G's multi-platinum album Regulate...The G-Funk Era. There was no place in Long Beach where one could escape the Nate Dogg-infused first single, "Regulate". Everyone in my city was OK with this.






For obvious reasons, Long Beach -- the sixth-largest city in California and second-largest in Los Angeles County -- was slow to collectively celebrate its gangsta rap roots. Snoop Doggy Dogg and his impending murder trial weren't being trumpeted by our chamber of commerce. But, Nate Dogg (mostly by way of Warren G) were seen as less threatening peddlers of the parental advisory label.* In turn, Long Beach -- a city with staggeringly stark delineations along ethnic and economic borders -- pretty much unified behind these guys.

* -- Mrs. Bootleg often tells the story of her unsuspecting mother buying a copy of Warren G's album for herself in 1994 and her freaked-out reaction over the lyrics. When you're convincing old black women to buy your rap album (which included clearly-identified skit titles on the back cover like "Gangsta Sermon" and "'94 Ho Draft") you're having a good year.

I moved to San Diego in 1995 and enrolled at San Diego State University. Comically homesick, the highlight of my first few months was my roommate's booming stereo system that could be heard from one end to the other on the second floor of Zapotec Hall. I was able to bring Long Beach 100 miles south and Death Row was gracious enough to release Tha Dogg Pound's Dogg Food album...featuring m'man Nate on "Let's Play House".





By the start of 1997, I'd met the future Mrs. Bootleg. But, in even better news, Nate Dogg's debut album was finally set to drop! I vividly remember walking through a Wherehouse Music and seeing one of those CD placeholders on the shelf that promised "Nate Dogg -- G-Funk Classics, Volume I, Release Date: January 14". But, I didn't know at the time that Death Row Records had lost their distribution deal with Interscope. The embattled label would never release his album. A shame, because the first single ("Never Leave Me Alone") was really good.





I finished college in December 1997. The once untouchable west coast gangsta rap scene had long since surrendered its scepter back to the east coast as lyrical dexterity once again ruled the airwaves. In the summer of 1998, Nate Dogg finally released his first album. He paired his shelved original with a second album of new recordings and called it G-Funk Classics, Volume I & II.** At 31(!) tracks, it was bloated, already a little dated and inadvertently underscored Nate Dogg's vocal shortcomings.

And, I absolutely LOVED it.

I felt like it validated my loyalty -- almost as if it were made only for me. Judging by the album's poor sales (peaking at #58 on the Billboard 200 charts), maybe it was. Oddly enough, the out-of-print album is tremendously popular today on the secondary market. Not long ago, it was selling on eBay for $70-$80. I bought a copy the day it was released. Years later, I found the ultra-rare clean version (which literally omits ALL of the lyrics on one of the tracks, leaving only the instrumental) in a used CD shop for six bucks. And, I still have the CD single for "Nobody Does It Better".





** -- Can we all agree that the double CD is Tupac Shakur's greatest legacy? I love the guy's body of work for the most part, but is there any other aspect of today's rap game that Pac influenced?

In the years that followed, Nate Dogg would achieve his greatest success. He basically established a "hooks for hire" gig that allowed him to pair up with whomever was the hottest hip hop commodity at the moment. "Featuring Nate Dogg" became the de facto surname of several artists from 1999 through 2003. He parlayed this musical ubiquity into a record deal with Elektra, but after releasing 2001's Music & Me -- a CD that was so bad, even I won't acknowledge its existence -- Nate Dogg gradually faded away. His never-released second album on Elektra does include the criminally slept on "Get Up", though.





I specifically asked the DJ at my wedding reception to play this song for the introduction of the wedding party. I've drunkenly called m'man Nick'a and left several consecutive voice mails full of boozy Nate Dogg crooning. And, believe it or not, when Jalen was a baby, I'd try to soothe him with negligibly less boozy Nate Dogg crooning.

I lost a part of my life's story with Nate Dogg's death.

Ain't no fun.

TBG Beats: "I Need a Doctor" Official Music Video

After last week's critical post on Dr. Dre's latest single "I Need a Doctor"; it seemed right to follow up on the music video. It premiered on February 24 and I was hoping it could join the list of songs I didn't care for that partially redeemed themselves with a kick ass video. It...did not.





Let's do this...

0:02 -- Dr. Dre's 36th birthday fell on February 18, 2001, so I guess the date holds some negligible significance for him. Four days earlier, I was involved in a three-car accident on the freeway during my commute home from work. Fun facts: (1) I've been involved in two collisions, one on Valentine's Day and one on Halloween. (2) This was the song playing on my radio right before the crash. Remember, correlation does not imply causation.

0:15 -- Acknowledging my trite critique here; but how DO movies, television shows and music videos always find the one scenic coastal locale in California that's invariably deserted? Wouldn't you have watched CBS' Jericho if it were set here, instead of a post-apocalyptic Kansas wasteland?

0:25 -- A split screen effect? From the director who guided visceral cinematic experiences such as Menace II Society, From Hell and The Book of Eli? In his defense, Allen Hughes' imagery isn't nearly as creepy as this.

0:27 -- Look...I know that Dre claims to have patched things up with Eazy-E before the latter died from AIDS in 1995. I just don't know if I believe it. Dre's then-label (Death Row Records) was feuding (NSFW) with Eazy's label (Ruthless Records) even after Eazy died. Dr. Dre wasn't involved in the infamous golf course confrontation shown in the link, but their beef was very deep and very personal.

0:35 -- Between the singular lyric on 1999's "Still D.R.E." and the hiccup-quick flashback here; Dr. Dre has acknowledged his time in The World Class Wreckin' Cru for all of five seconds in the past 25 years.

0:59 -- Dre's wedding video! In his music video! Who watches a wedding video for any reason other than unintentional comedy? I wish I knew how to put my wedding video online. You really need to see the bottles buckets bathtubs of sweat pouring off my frame during the ceremony and hear my best man's inebriated speech to really appreciate my wedding day. ("There's an old saying about friendship and it goes...uh, and it goes...wait, wait...I remember it...I...I...I need to sit down.")

1:30 -- The Tupac conundrum. In early 1996, Tupac and Dr. Dre released one of the most memorable hits of my generation. Several months later, after Dre left Death Row Records, Tupac recorded several venomous diss tracks aimed as his former label mate. After Tupac's death in September 1996, Dre's silence spoke volumes. In 2000, during his "Up In Smoke" tour, Dre dedicated a bit of concert time to his "homeboy" (Dre's words) Tupac. Five years later, Dre refused to work on a posthumous Tupac album. The use of Tupac's imagery in this video seems to indicate he and Dre are friends again. Got it?

2:00 -- This has been done before.

2:22 -- I do appreciate the medical continuity of Dr. Dre examining Eminem in Em's My Name Is video; Dre and Em as bio-engineers overseeing the creation of 50 Cent in Fiddy's In Da Club video and now Eminem the concerned friend gawking slack-jawed at Dre's roided corpse here.

3:00 -- Skylar Grey's hook -- the song's one redeeming ingredient -- emanating from a banshee? Sure.

4:20 -- Oh, Hewlett-Packard. THIS is how it's done.

4:30 -- This has also been done before.

5:20 -- You know what would be even better? Skylar Grey's hook emanating from synchronized banshees!

6:11 -- Dr. Dre's homage to the training montage from Rockys III and IV. Where's the cutaway to his opponent Suge Knight punching the heavy bag or Jermaine Dupri swimming laps in the kiddie pool?

6:30 -- Dre lashing out at all doubters, haters, fair-weather friends and associates who abandoned him. From the comments in last week's TBG post, the list of artists who Dr. Dre has screwed over includes -- but, probably isn't limited to: Rakim, Joell Ortiz, Hittman, Bishop Lamont, RBX, Stat Quo, Last Emperor, King Tee, Eve, Dawn Robinson, Busta Rhymes, The Game, Sam Sneed and 1995-1998 Snoop Dogg.

6:37 -- Stay classy, Dre.

TBG Beats: "I Need a Doctor" -- Dr. Dre featuring Eminem and Skylar Grey

M'man Sean the Accountant writes:

"What do you think of the new Dr. Dre single? Has any musician in any genre achieved greater longevity by riding the coattails of so many more talented associates? Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, Tupac, Eminem, Jay-Z, Xzibit. Dre's barely on his own song!"





Yeah, I'm not feelin' it, either.

Skylar Grey's melancholy hook is very good, but too much of this track is covered with Eminem's egocentric fingerprints. Em gets the first two verses -- his familiar lyrical lamentation as the victimized white rapper -- before turning the mic over to his mentor, Dr. Dre.

Dre's enormous shortcomings as an MC are a matter of public record, but in the hands of a good ghostwriter, he carries enough charisma to make someone else's words work. Eminem is the obvious ventriloquist for Dre's verse here, however the Doctor seems overtly uncomfortable as he lifts Em's staccato flow.

And, is Dre still calling out his doubters and threatening them with the "wrath of Aftermath"? He left Death Row Records in 1996! Tupac was still alive!

I think you won that war, Dre.

TBG (Finally) Eats: Five Guys Burgers and Fries

Current Weight: 163.6 lbs.

"Once in a great while, we are privileged to experience [an] event so extraordinary, it becomes part of our shared heritage." -- Krusty the Clown, February 9, 1997

When I was a boy, pop culture was my unofficial stepparent. Back then, only two events (title fights in boxing and made-for-TV miniseries) regularly generated the kind of squealing media hype that now precedes even the least attractive Armenian-American celebrity.*

* -- Oh, come on. Khloe Kardashian digs have been done to death. I assumed the universe had moved on to mocking Nicki Minaj, no?

Off the top of my head, I can think of three experiences -- one each in movies, sports and music -- when the hype was truly worth it.

Return of the Jedi -- Time has not been kind to much of the Star Wars franchise, but almost 30 years later, I still remember leaping off the couch when I saw the first Jedi TV spot -- on a Saturday night, in between new episodes of Diff'rent Strokes and Silver Spoons. Yes, the scatological nonsense and intrusive Ewoks have ruined the movie for me today; but in 1983, my brother and I saw Jedi at least 20 times -- back when sneaking into a movie was a cute and acceptable crime, like cocaine or hitchhiking.

1989 Oakland A's -- The '88 A's were the first baseball team I ever loved and the first one to break my heart. (A few years later, I was dumped twice by the same girl in a span of 10 days and it didn't hurt anywhere near as much as Oakland's stunning upset loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series.) In 1989, the A's were near-unanimous favorites to win it all. They withstood an array of early injuries, fought off a feisty Angels squad and re-acquired my all-time favorite player on the way to winning the World Series. Thankfully, I'm still on my first marriage and only have one child, so the A's championship still fits into the top five favorite moments of my life.

Doggystyle -- Snoop Dogg's debut album was a big deal. Gangsta rap was at its apex and still popular enough to ward off conservative critics and threats of censorship. Snoop stole the show on Dr. Dre's The Chronic album and his mid-1993 murder charge arguably boosted his profile. I've told the story before, but I waited in line outside V.I.P. Records in Long Beach -- on Crips n' Bloods Martin Luther King Boulevard -- for the midnight release. Today, I might be the oldest man alive who still has this album in regular iPod rotation.

Conversely, these are three of my experiences when the hype greatly exceeded the end result.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace -- After two hours of stilted dialogue about trade disputes and an endless parade of transparent, broadly-drawn aliens-as-ethnic caricatures, I swore off the franchise for good. My personal protest has even extended to the adult-friendly, kid-intended cartoon versions that currently air. Those who really know me know this isn't an insignificant snub.

1990 Oakland A's -- This squad was the first real "rock star" baseball team back in the early days of the "ESPN-ification" of sports. After winning it all the year before, the experts labeled the A's as a budding dynasty. They were swept right out of the World Series and spent most of the decade as one with the walking dead.

Get Rich or Die Tryin' -- For me, the 50 Cent phenomenon got as far as the first single from his debut album. Get Rich… moved almost a million units in its first week of release in 2003 (and more than 15 million copies to date), but despite some decent beats, 50's uncharismatic mumbling lost me almost immediately.

So, which side of the hype will Five Guys fall?

Here in California, In-N-Out Burger is considered the gold standard for fast food hamburgers. Most of y'all know my position: In-N-Out makes a perfectly acceptable double cheeseburger, but it doesn't belong in any "best of" discussion. This opinion is in direct conflict with tourists and locals alike who believe the ubiquitous Double-Double is a sacri-licious religious experience.

Thanks to the magic of social media, I've been able to eat vicariously through friends and strangers. I first heard of Five Guys from either a Facebook post of an acquaintance living in one of the Mid-Atlantic States or perhaps a random tweet from some national baseball beat writer who blissfully ignores four of MLB's six divisions.

It didn't take long for me to realize that the Five Guys hype rivaled In-N-Out's. It did, however, take a long time before I was able try Five Guys. There wasn't a location in San Diego County until about six months ago. And, apparently, I was one of the last San Diegans made aware of this.

So, I brought That Bootleg Family down to Five Guys. After quickly familiarizing myself with the limited menu, I ordered a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomatoes, grilled onions, ketchup and mayo. Mrs. Bootleg -- in keeping with her long-standing tradition -- waited until I'd begun ordering before she took her very first look at the menu. She extended the palms of her hands and slowly shook her head -- pantomiming perfect confusion -- before hurriedly blurting out, "Little Hamburger with...grilled onions and...ketchup?" Yes...in the form of a question. Two regular orders of fries and a plain Little Hamburger for Jalen finished the order.






After my first bite, I was a believer. The loosely-packed meat oozed juices down my chin and into my nattily-groomed goatee. Meanwhile, the texture of the hamburger -- nicely pebbled without any rigidity -- was homemade, hand-made quality. The smoky-sweet grilled onions contrasted nicely with the lettuce and tomatoes AND subtly accented the meat. Two minor nits: (1) the two slices of cheese might be one too many, as the flavors were suffocated by my last few bites and (2) there didn't seem to be much bacon on my burger (or the other toppings overwhelmed what was there). Jalen finished his hamburger in about six seconds, while Mrs. Bootleg -- in between bites that belied her diminutive stature -- was trying to decide if the Five Guys burger was the best or second-best she's ever had.





I've been sitting on a 4.5 score, steadfast in my refusal to go all in with a perfect five. But, I can't remember the last time I've wanted to return to a restaurant as much as I'm jonesing for an encore at Five Guys. I think that's worth an extra half-point. And, I won't even decrement them for their so-so fries.

The NEW gold standard for fast food hamburgers?

The NEW gold standard for fast food hamburgers.

Grade: 5 (out of 5) Calories: 1100 (approx.) Fat: 75g (approx.)

General Haberdashery II

My former weekend neighbor on the music news beat has two new posts over at his Lousy Reviews blog. Jeff Fernandez takes on Taco Bell's Beefy Crunch Burrito -- an experience that was apparently less positive than mine -- and Jack in the Box's new Chorizo Chili Cheesy Fries.

(I noticed the "Cheesy Fries" advertisement poster hanging in the window of my local Jack in the Box, but didn't realize there was a "...with chorizo chili..." option. See you soon, Jack.)

Jeff also spits in the eye of beer elitists everywhere with his review of Walgreens' Big Flats 1901 Lager. Walgreens!

My friends over at Fish and Spaghetti introduce the universe to high-end tortilla chips and a Ben & Jerry's flavor that might be delicious, but can't hold a candle to their Oatmeal Cookie Chunk.

Michael Melchor and I go way back to the 411mania.com days, so I couldn't be more pleased to see him still writing about music. This piece on the intersection of nerd culture and music is gloriously geek-tastic.

Daniels and the One New York Life blog have "...an unnatural hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow". I assume he also hates America.

85% Sports explores the idea of St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols pulling down $150 million...per season! It might've been a typo, but I'm pleased to report I caught before he did.

Finally, m'man Movie Joe Reid has the second part of his Spring Movie Preview up on the Low Resolution blog. Bashing Nic Cage? Yup. Kitschy love for an '80s soundtrack? Yup. Un-ironic use of "ridonk"? Oh, f*ck yup!

TBG Beats: "Kush", The Video -- Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg and Akon

Some of the below videos may be NSFW, y'all.

Last month, Dr. Dre's "Kush" leaked online. Ever the front-running opportunist, I immediately posted a review. As noted in my write-up, Dr. Dre seemed uncomfortable with the buzz this track had generated and -- in subsequent interviews -- halfheartedly distanced himself from his latest supersonic chronic anthem.

Dre's attempt at subterfuge-by-separation gave Interscope Records all the time they needed to measure the temperature in the room. And, it didn't take long for all parties involved to realize they had a hit on their hands. The big-budget music video premiered late last week.





A-list music video director Joseph Kahn successfully uses the stop-motion effects and sparse lighting to create a glossy, yet intentionally underdeveloped snapshot of one night in Los Angeles. The viewer will squint, scan and rewind in a futile attempt to single out every bit of amusing imagery that's built into the background.

I refuse to believe Kahn wasn't at least somewhat influenced by the excellent Eminem/Dr. Dre "Guilty Conscience" video. The stop-motion worked better as a storytelling device here, but then again, I'm partial to anything with an appropriately out-of-place Robert Culp cameo.





The dimly-lit sets on "Kush" reminded me of Dr. Dre's explicitly suggestive "The Next Episode" video. This one's grimier than "Kush", though. At the time of its 1999/2000 release, Dre was fervently attempting to reintroduce himself as a street-credible rapper after disavowing gangsta rap posturing several years earlier.





The video for "Kush" is terrific and shows that Dr. Dre has come a LONG way from the days when he shot "club" videos inside old storage units and tried to squeeze five full-grown men into a tiny booth.

TBG Beats: Snoop Dogg -- "Wet"

M'man "NY Jon" dropped me a line last Friday:

Have you heard Snoop Dogg's latest single? What's the bigger surprise: that Snoop revisited his own atrocious Sensual Seduction sound or that "Wet" is actually WORSE than "Sensual Seduction"???





I had the same initial reaction after giving "Wet" a few listens...until I stumbled across an even bigger surprise: "Sensual Seduction" peaked at number SEVEN on the Billboard charts. During almost 20 years in the industry, Snoop Dogg has released five solo singles that cracked the top ten and "Sensual Seduction" was one of them. Sexual Chocolate! Sensual Seduction!

It was nominated for a GRAMMY!

So, it's not all that surprising to see Snoop Dogg reboot the ol' Auto-Tune one more time.

In fact, looking back over Snoop's catalog, he regularly repeats himself when he finds a formula that works. After moving nearly 10 million units between Dr. Dre's The Chronic and the seminal Doggystyle -- leaning heavily on old school influences -- the first single off of 1996's Tha Doggfather was Snoop's Upside Ya Head (one of the few tracks on the album that stayed true to Snoop's g-funk roots).

In 1998, Snoop's first single on Master P's No Limit label was Still a G-Thang -- the flaccid sequel to his classic "Nuthin' But a G-Thang". Later, from 2002-2006, Snoop released three studio solo albums and, on each one, Pharrell Williams produced the lead single (From Tha Chuuuch to Tha Palace, Drop It Like It's Hot and Vato).

And, I'm not sure "Wet" is actually worse than "Sensual Seduction".

It's obviously not for those of us who stood in line outside VIP Records in Long Beach to pick up Snoop Dogg's debut release in November 1993. But, Snoop seems to know his (new) audience and their love for simplistic lyricism ("...drip, drip, drip...drip for me mami..."). I can tune out the vocals long enough to appreciate the minimalist beat from The Cataracs -- an up-and-coming duo originally from Berkeley, California.

I don't know if "Wet" will be Snoop Dogg's sixth entry into Billboard's top ten, but it'll be bumpin' in every strip club in the country by Christmas.

TBG Beats: "Kush" -- Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg and Akon

M'man Nick'a e-mails:

"The new Dr. Dre song is the same old piano loop sh*t...and quite awesome."

The new Dr. Dre song is called "Kush". Before the above e-mail, I hadn't heard it. Nick nailed the most notable feature, as Andre Young does love those piano keys. As for the "awesome"?

Yeah, I'd say that's spot-on.

The administrators at YouTube have been atypically authoritarian in taking down the unreleased song from their site, so I can't guarantee that the above link will work. If it doesn't, head on over and give one of the other illicit copies a listen.

Dre -- who's never been known for his lyricism -- is helped here by some overt ghostwriting. My guess is that Dre's recent reconciliation with former protégé The Game resulted in the first verse. The growling delivery when Dre spits, "Cross that line..." and the serpentine sentence structure are straight out of Game's playbook.

I can't say I've ever been a fan of Akon, but his hooks are usually solid -- particularly on party cuts -- and he's just here to give Dre a bit of a rub with the young'uns. Snoop Dogg, on the other hand, sounds better here than he has in ten years ("Still I am. Tighter than the pants on Will.i.am.") I'm not ready to forgive Tha D-O-double G for his last two or three albums, but his energy in the second verse is worth the return of some goodwill.

The bridge is little bittersweet for me, though, as the Nate Dogg sound-alike ("Hold up, wait a minute...") is an unpleasant reminder of the health woes that have befallen the genuine article.

Oddly, in an era where ANY album publicity within the music industry is an endangered species, Dr. Dre has gone on the offensive to tamp down discussions and expectations regarding his long-awaited Detox album. If "Kush" is the first single, I'm ready to put it towards the top half of the singles in Dr. Dre's catalog. And, since you didn't ask, here's the list without "Kush":

1.) Deep Cover -- The definitive west coast track. Instantly legitimized Snoop Dogg and the g-funk genre.

2.) California Love -- Originally slated for Dre's never-released Chronic II follow-up on Death Row Records. The addition of Tupac turned it into the label's biggest hit.

3.) Let Me Ride -- Love, love, love the beat. The remixes with extended Snoop verses are equally phenomenal.

4.) Still D.R.E. -- Famously ghostwritten by Jay-Z. Snoop's "sticky icky icky" throwaway line took on a life of its own.

5.) Nuthin' But A G-Thang -- Overplayed to death on all the old-school rap stations. Unquestionably one of the seminal songs of the 1990s.

6.) Keep Their Heads Ringin' -- I'm in the minority on this, but I've always dug this song. On the soundtrack of my life for the summer of 1995.

7.) Bad Intentions -- Dre's failed attempt to create a new Snoop Dogg. Knoc-turnal had a decent flow, but he always seemed overshadowed by the beats.

8.) Natural Born Killaz -- True story: I was once at a strip club where THIS was one of the songs played.

9.) Tha Next Episode -- The unreleased original version was better, but Nate Dogg's appearance at the end nearly saves this one.

10.) Forgot About Dre -- Mrs. Bootleg LOVES this track. For me, the Eminem hook got old quick.

11.) Dre Day -- The first Death Row Records diss track. It became the template for their over-the-top attack cuts in later years.

12.) Been There, Done That -- This song and this album never happened. Cool? Cool.

The Sirius XM Commute: Lil' Kim, Mack 10 & Master P

Every morning, after dropping my son Jalen off at school, it's just me and my satellite radio. During 12 minutes of surface streets and stoplights, I can hear at least three songs in their entirety.

Sirius XM Channel: "Backspin" (Old School Hip Hop)

Some links may be NSFW, so click with caution, yo.

Lil' Kim featuring Lil' Cease and Notorious B.I.G. -- Crush on You:

Other than the opportunistic Puff Daddy, Ma$e and maybe Missy Elliott, no one dominated 1997 hip hop quite like Lil' Kim. Her success followed the release of her 1996 debut Hard Core. The album would eventually sell more than two million copies, yet I remain one of the few listeners who weren't impressed with the mostly pedestrian production and ghost-written lyrics that Kim couldn't quite deliver. Oddly enough, Kim's biggest hits from Hard Core were a pair of remixes -- this track and Not Tonight (Ladies' Night) -- that immensely improved on the originals. I'd go as far as to call "Crush on You" the second best commercially-released single in Lil' Kim's catalog. Her lyricism omits the over-the-top raunchiness for a more subtle, simplistic sexuality. Unlike a lot of her material from 1995-2000, she's not lifting Biggie Smalls' flow. And, I've always loved the Jeff Lorber Fusion sample. The song's one drawback is Lil' Cease. He's here because he's on the original version (while Kim is curiously absent). Sadly, there was room for only one moon-faced, marble-mouthed MC in 1997. You've probably heard of him.


Mack 10 featuring Ice Cube -- Foe Life:

By mid-1995, the west coast's run on the rap charts had become increasingly irrelevant. Death Row Records had grown complacent -- releasing compilation soundtracks and failing to capitalize on then-hot talent like Nate Dogg and The Lady of Rage. Ice Cube -- one of the angriest and most influential voices of the genre -- was making movies and passing the microphone to his protégé Mack 10. Like a lot of gangsta rap from this era, Mack 10's empty bombast hasn't aged well -- and, I'm almost certain his "TJ Hooker" reference was on life support 15 years ago -- but, this cut has its moments. The beat is quintessential California and Mack's drops lyrics that...well, they make ME smile. ("I'm broke as a mutha, so fool, buy my single/comin' from 'tha Ingle'/It's my jingle...") Besides, any song where the bad guy is thwarted by way of a Rottweiler biting his ass is OK on my iPod.


Master P. featuring Everybody -- Make 'Em Say Uhh:

I was still in college when I first heard this cut. This was late 1997 and the west coast was still coming to grips with Tupac Shakur's murder. Radio was retroactively running through the 1993-1996 material of the east coast's biggest acts, since California pop-rap died with Pac. After my first taste of Master P, I remember thinking -- for the first time -- that the industry was passing me by. P's No Limit Records ushered in those goofy jeweled-graphic CD covers and 24-track CDs that featured five or six guest rappers on a single three-minute song. Everything Master P touched was an oversized, over-produced posse cut that foreshadowed rap's eventual descent into drum machines and Auto-Tune. May God have mercy on his soul.

TBG Beats: Redman -- "Lookin' Fly"

Longtime readers surely remember m'man Nick. Back when I wrote a weekly music news column, Nick carved out some creative real estate within my work by way of a feature known as "Nick'a Please".

He was the first one of my readers I ever met. We narrowly escaped arrest during an "open container" incident when he visited Southern California several years ago. Thanks to a steady stream of friends and family who wouldn't answer their damn phones, he was the first person I reached to share the news of my son's birth. (And, thanks to Mrs. Bootleg's c-section-mandated anesthetic cocktail, she didn't find out about Jalen until 24 hours later.)

I flew out to the east coast for his wedding. I got thrown out of the hotel bar at the wedding reception's after-after-party. And, Nick and his lovely wife were the primary reasons the TBG Travel Diary was invented.

So, when Nick sends me an email with the subject line "Reggie Cameron", it's probably going to be blog fodder:

Redman is starting to look like YOU in HIS old age...explain this please. Check link to Lookin' Fly video. You need to make this goatee happen.

Go ahead and tell me the guy in this video didn't just whisper a Bootleg blog!

Let's process this one piece at a time.


"Reggie Cameron"

Redman's real name is Reggie Noble. Considering his commercial longevity -- he debuted on EPMD's Business as Usual album in 1990 -- a case could be made that he's the most underrated rapper of his era. Of course, you MIGHT know him better from this or... this.


Redman is starting to look like YOU in HIS old age...

Let's check out the link to his video again. Redman is featured in the upper left-hand corner. Now here's me in an exact replica of Red's 10-year-old leather jacket -- probably purchased at one of the since-liquidated Wilson's Leather stores -- cheap white t-shirt and knit hat. You be the judge.






You need to make this goatee happen.

Really? I mean, it would complete the package, but Redman and I already share that light-skinned kindred spirits thing, along with our receding hairlines and wrinkly foreheads whenever we change our facial expressions. I think three out of four common characteristics is sufficient, no?





Oh, right...the song.

It's a decent little snippet that encapsulates Redman's entire career: irreverent, sometimes ill-fitting, but undeniably charismatic. Of course, the Michael Jackson homage is nonsensical; but even if you've only listened to a little bit of Redman, it wouldn't make sense any other way.

TBG Throwback: Black Actress Survivor

It appears that most – if not all – of my previously archived work from my three-year run as a weekly columnist and features writer on the Inside Pulse pop culture website has fallen off the grid. That's as good an excuse as any to hunt through my hard drive for retro-blog fodder.

"Black Actress Survivor" was one of the more well-received pieces that appeared in my old Bootleg column. It was a collaborative effort with m'man Joe Reid from a time when concepts were discussed over AOL Instant Messenger and there were enough working black actresses in Hollywood to fill six pages of satire.

So, for those of you who've always wanted dozens of real-life African-American actresses cast on your favorite contrived island reality show…your wait is over. Or as I originally introduced this piece that first ran on September 2, 2005:

Join me on this 10-week midseason replacement run as an assortment of anonymous African-American women attempt to…out-black, out-sass and out-exaggerated finger snap one another, all on: Black Actress Survivor!

Week 1: After paddling to the shores of their deserted island, Sanaa Lathan and Kerry Washington get to the business of starting a fire, while Kim Fields and Tatyana Ali squabble over water-gathering duties. After a grueling immunity challenge, Marla Gibbs becomes the token old lady voted off first.

Week 2: This week opens with a shocking and surprising development as Jackeé and Kim Coles wash ashore like a pair of beached beluga whales. Cold, heavy and hungry (natch), the pair sandwich themselves into each tribe. Mere minutes before the eventual elimination of Nia Long, there's tomfoolery afoot! The final two votes against Nia come from former Cosby Kids, Keisha Knight-Pulliam and Tempestt Bledsoe. The unemployed pair had been presumed dead and eaten…by Natalie Desselle -- who starred opposite Halle Berry in B.A.P.S.

Week 3: Strategy is the name of the game in week three, as alliances start to build. Regina Hall is approached by Regina King for a partnership based on their shared . . . loathing of Tisha Campbell. Tisha, meanwhile, seeks refuge in a proposed Boomerang alliance with Halle Berry and Eartha Kitt. That plan falls through when Eartha tries for one purring voiceover too many and accidentally chokes to death.

After flying under the radar for the first two weeks, Jennifer Beals is voted out for "trying to pass." At tribal council, a shifty-eyed Jasmine Guy and Rae Dawn Chong realize they're gonna need a new game plan.

Week 4: The Parkers Countess Vaughn and Mo'Nique emerge from the island's twin tar pits of UPN Cancellation-cum-BET Syndication. However, the two were no match for resident island muscle, Marsha Warfield, who knocks them back into the abyss of Black Entertainment Television and an eternity as the lead-in for Eve.

Meanwhile, Lela Rochon and Theresa Randle return from their most recent vestiges of relevancy (1997's Gang Related and Spawn, respectively) and immediately start beef with Angela Bassett. Their good-natured potshots ("Why come you ain't green, She-Hulk?") precede more personal attacks, until Bassett finally snaps.

Week 5: By the time the fifth week rolls around, the ladies are getting on each others' nerves. Gabrielle Union just will not stop with the "this one time with Morris Chestnut" and "that other movie I did with Morris" stories. Jennifer Lewis finally has to tell her to shut the hell up. Elsewhere, a jonesing Macy Gray takes a knife to Vivica A. Fox's hair extensions in an ill-fated attempt to smoke them.

At tribal council, the Aged Alliance of Mary Alice, Cicely Tyson, and Irma P. Hall team up to give Robin Givens the knockout punch that Mike never gave her. As Givens gets her torch snuffed, an inebriated Macy Gray (she found a toad to lick) can be heard slurring "from 'Head of the Class' to out on your ass, bitch!"

Week 6: Food is getting scarce. For the last seven days, both tribes have been forced to subsist off the scraps and seaweed stuck between Paula Jai Parker's 63 teeth. Even worse, it appears that T'Keyah "Crystal" Keymah island-inspired "fishbone n' coconut" African-American hair and beauty care products have the women looking like the remains of Rain Pryor. A sullen and silent S. Epatha Merkerson is voted off the island, as she could not muster up a word in her own defense. The Law & Order star is only used to one or two lines per week in prime time. Sadly, she filled her quota with a quip on how she DOES look similar to a shaven Gregory Hines.

Week 7: Week seven sees the tribes merge and make camp at a smaller, more remote island. They make their move at night, and wait until Wanda Sykes falls asleep before they go, leaving her behind to relive her glory days of Pootie Tang all alone. Nona Gaye keeps trying to find an alliance to join, but sadly, unlike with the Matrix sequels, Aaliyah's not around to die so a spot can open up for her.

Lisa Nicole Carson and Loretta Devine engage in an epic breasts-vs.-breasts showdown that's been in the making ever since their first altercation in the David E. Kelley staff lounge back in 1999.

And finally, after weeks and weeks of putting up with her constant challenge-time exhortations of "Come on! It's all in the face! Pow! Fierce! What!" Tyra Banks is finally sent packing to her other reality show.

Week 8: It's the start of sweeps month and, in a blatant grab for ratings, both women who played Mrs. Vivian Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air are sharing quality on-screen island time. Admittedly, it doesn't make for the most riveting TV, as Janet Hubert-Whitten and Daphne Maxwell-Reid have patched up most of their long-existing differences, with only one unsettled issue left open for discussion: What was up with the casting of Karyn Parsons as the oldest Banks kid? Were producers just trying to capitalize on The Cosby Show's random mocha-colored child quota? And, in a surprising twist, Queen Latifah is voted off as the status of "one-time Academy Award nominee" couldn't outweigh her current standing of "one-time star of Beauty Shop and Taxi".

Week 9: Let the mad charge to the finale begin, with multiple tribal councils seeing casualties falling left and right. Erika Alexander, bereft of her Living Single alliance-mates, proves easy pickings. In a shocking development, Lynn Whitfield and Alfre Woodard both look at each other and can't believe they're stuck on the same island as these no-talent sitcom has-beens and up and row the canoe back to respectability. And a dearth of Hollywood roles for them.

Kimberly Elise keeps trying to get Oprah on the phone so she can call in a few favors that she built up on the set of Beloved (letting O have the last Boston Crème in the box has its benefits), but she and Thandie Newton keep tying up the lines, and they're both given the boot.

And at long last, Ruby Dee is voted off, as a jealous (and clueless) Holly Robinson Peete exclaims "Mother Sister?! That doesn't even make sense!"

Week 10: The final tribal council draws closer, and thus the biggest threats to win become the biggest targets.

Fearing the tremendous sway they'll have with the jury (the jury being filled with old gay men for some reason), Diahann Carroll and Lena Horne are dispatched in short order.

Jada Pinkett Smith, who had been flying under the radar (literally, she was too short to be picked up by detection equipment), gets noticed when Vanessa L. Williams trips over her. Having saved the best for last, Vanessa engineers Jada's ouster.

Meanwhile, former ER stars Michael Michele and Khandi Alexander team up to vote out Anna Deavere Smith, having grown wary of the woman's surprisingly prominent jowls and the damage they could cause after a month without proper nourishment.

And, finally, with the surprise elimination of Elise Neal and a landslide jury vote over Sheryl Lee Ralph (during which the jury fiercely debated exactly how Sheryl came to be famous anyway), the winner of Black Actress Survivor is finally crowned . . .

The one . . .

The only . . .

The eternally teenaged . . .