2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #9

Last Week

Joe: 9-4
Aaron: 7-6

Current Standings

Joe: 77-39
Aaron: 75-41


N.Y. Jets at Buffalo

Aaron: The Jets are 4-0 at home, 0-3 on the road. If that's too large of a sample, the Jets are also 0-2 after bye weeks during the Rex Ryan era. Sometimes, these games just pick themselves. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I am once again scared sh*tless and considered abstaining from picking this game like Cris Collinsworth on Inside the NFL. If you look at the Bills' remaining schedule as often as I have, and you figure the games they should win and the games they should lose will probably even out, you see that the game against Dallas and the two games against the Jets would end up deciding their playoff fate. Objectively, there are things I like about this matchup (the home-field advantage, the fact that our defense came alive last week, Fred Jackson) and things I don't (Fitz's possible minor chest injury, the fact that our defense came alive against the terrible Redskins, Darelle Revis). Ultimately, I would feel like a puss for backing off my team now. Just ... oh God, please ... Pick: Buffalo


Seattle at Dallas

Aaron: I honestly had no idea that Cowboys QB Tony Romo is 31 years old. He's older than Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Jason Campbell -- three quarterbacks who all feel like they've been playing longer than they have. Erstwhile Eagles QB Donovan McNabb had a much more impressive resume than Romo, yet he was hustled out of Philadelphia at the age of 33. Not looking forward to the "Raiders Acquire Romo" headline three years from now. Pick: Dallas

Joe: I know nobody wants to hear about other people's fantasy football stories. The only thing more boring than someone else's fantasy football story is hearing over and over that nobody wants to hear about other people's fantasy football stories. But seriously, last week, going into Sunday night, I needed twenty points and I had THREE players remaining. Do you know how easy it is for three players to get you 20 points? You'd almost have to be in a coma NOT to get 20 points. I guess what I'm saying is, DeMarco Murray, Dez Bryant, and Cowboys kicker Dan Bailey, y'all OWE ME. Pick: Dallas


Cleveland at Houston

Aaron: Remember the 2007 Browns team that won 10 games with three of the most famous flash-in-the-pan players in recent memory? QB Derek Anderson, WR Braylon Edwards and TE Kellen Winslow, Jr are all pleased, proud and privileged to welcome 2010 Peyton Hillis into their collective one-hit wonder club. Pick: Houston

Joe: It's not a perfect bit of poetic justice, but after having to put up with Peyton Manning in their division for their entire existence, I'm happy that the Texans have been handed a suddenly pitiful division and home games against teams like the Browns. Pick: Houston


Atlanta at Indianapolis

Aaron: I hadn't realized that the "Peyton Manning for 2011 NFL MVP" movement was a semi-serious thing until I read Peter King's column on SI.com earlier this week. Major League Baseball will be glad to know that they no longer have a monopoly on voters who can't define "valuable". Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Matt Ryan, this would be an excellent game to throw some touchdowns. Pick: Atlanta


Miami at Kansas City

Aaron: Last week, a banged-up Chargers team nearly beat the Chiefs in Kansas City before losing on a fluke fumble. The Dolphins, meanwhile, were on the wrong end of some shaky officiating in their three-point loss to the Giants on the road. Now, this is a trap game, kids. Pick: Miami

Joe: Not sure if the Chiefs clawing their way back to the top of the division is a testament to them or an indictment of San Diego, but I'm not sure a team that started as poorly as they did will be looking past anybody. Pick: Kansas City


Tampa Bay at New Orleans

Aaron: Now that the Saints successfully ruined every suicide pool in the universe with last week's inexplicable loss to the Rams, it's time for New Orleans to obliterate their next opponent just to f*ck with those of you who lost money on them. With my fantasy football season in shambles, schadenfreude is all I've got left. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I'm told by Important Football Stat Folk that the Bucs are a bad team just waiting for their record to catch up with them. That may well be true. But for the record, I'm basing this pick of old-school ephemera like "bounce-back game!" and "dome team at home in a dome." Pick: New Orleans


San Francisco at Washington

Aaron: From Norv Turner (1994-2000) to Steve Spurrier (2002-03) to Mike Shanahan (2010-present)...has any NFL team generated a greater cumulative gap between "expectations set by hiring a new coach" and actual results? Discuss. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: How about every team that's hired Bill Parcells since New England in 1997? TAKE THAT, PARCELLS! Pick: San Francisco


Denver at Oakland

Aaron: Even as a Raiders fan, I can't help but find a grand amount of gallows humor in newly-acquired QB Carson Palmer being hastily inserted into his first game just days after arriving in Oakland. He reportedly only knew a fraction of the playbook and was explicitly told he would NOT be playing by the coaching staff. This week – reportedly at Palmer's behest – the team signed the remains of his former teammate TJ Houshmandzadeh. With RB Darren McFadden out, this game has the potential to bring my seven-year-old son to tears. His dad, too. Pick: Denver

Joe: I'm sorry, Raiders fans. Y'all didn't deserve this. Meanwhile, I'm actually going to do the unthinkable and recommend a Deadspin article about the recent outrage over anti-Tebow mockery. Hey, it's our job to encourage anything that isn't AJ Daulerio writing vengeful hit-pieces about obscure ESPN sex scandals. Pick: Denver


Cincinnati at Tennessee

Aaron: Has anyone considered that the NBA's ownership might've observed what happened to holdout Titans RB Chris Johnson after getting a fat contract? Maybe that's why they've drawn such a hard line with their players. It's admittedly a stretch, but I have to believe Johnson has ruined more than just my fantasy football season. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: I am man enough not to resort to childish reverse-jinxing when I pick my own team's games. I am, however, completely immature enough to try to juju our wild-card competitors. Pick: Cincinnati


St. Louis at Arizona

Aaron: The Rams scored 7, 3, 10 and 7 points in the four games before rolling up 31 on the Saints last week. The Cardinals, meanwhile, have allowed 30+ in their last four games. So, by applying one random pattern to another...it would appear to be Arizona's turn to be good or something. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Ahh, yes. The two crappy teams I kept insisting weren't that crappy. Time to not lose, guys! Pick: St. Louis


N.Y. Giants at New England

Aaron: There seemed to be an awful lot of "surprised" broadcast analytical time spent on the Patriots' performance in their loss to Pittsburgh last week. Just so we're clear, is this because everyone agreed New England's loss in Buffalo never happened? Similarly, did we forget that Dolphins QB Chad Henne threw for 416 yards against the Pats on opening night or that the Chargers marched up and down the field in New England before each of their ill-timed pratfalls? The injuries on the Giants' side are all that keeps me from picking them here. Pick: New England

Joe: Yeah, kind of a bummer when you're missing your best RB, your best WR, and countless defenders. So good news, Patriots fans! Your Week 9 win in this game will totally make up for that humiliating and deflating Super Bowl loss, won't it? Pick: New England


Green Bay at San Diego

Aaron: I'm enjoying this Chargers season as much as anyone else who despises the team and their fanbase, but I'll continue to maintain they're not nearly as bad as they've looked. However, this stretch of opponents (Green Bay, Oakland (Thursday night) and at Chicago) and their end-of-season schedule (Bills, Ravens, at Detroit and at Oakland) will test my theory. I so hope I'm wrong about them. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Pick the Packers til they actually lose. Seems like a solid plan to me. Pick: Green Bay


Baltimore at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Oh, there you are, "low-scoring AFC North intra-divisional game in prime time"! I hope you brought inclement weather and both of your punters! Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: I know Pittsburgh has really managed to right their ship. I know the Ravens alternate between playing well and playing shockingly terrible. I know that these AFC North slugfests usually end up evening out. And yet ... I am somehow picking the Ravens here. Pick: Baltimore


Chicago at Philadelphia

Aaron: 25 years ago, the city of Chicago was a nightmare for the Dream Team. I don't expect history to repeat itself. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I'm going to be bummed when all of the hoopla around the Eagles' slow start and all that "Dream Team" talk ends up crowding out the flashbacks to the Fog Bowl. Pick: Philadelphia

TBG Eats: Ben & Jerry's "Fair Goodness Cake!" vs. Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake

Current Weight: 167.0 lbs.

My mom has been in my thoughts a lot lately. She turns 60 next month and I'm at that familial fork-in-the-road where I'm now sharing her with her daughter-in-law, Mrs. Bootleg and her grandson, Jalen. Around Stately Bootleg Manor, my mother has ascended to "grandma" status. It's what we all call her – with Jalen unleashing the appellation in concentrated interrogative bursts ("IsGrandmaHere? IsGrandmaHere? IsGrandmaHere?") any time she's scheduled to visit.

The recent memories of my mother are mostly those that involve my son. Two weeks ago she came down to see Jalen play baseball. As most of you know, Jalen plays the game with a certain level of freneticism that usually ensures a relatively early bedtime once his heart rate returns to normal and his eye-black-enhanced, at-bat scowl morphs back into a seven-year-old's soft countenance.

That evening, my wife and I went to the movies and stopped for drinks and a late dinner, afterwards. We got home just after 11:00 PM and discovered Jalen – wide awake – watching DVR'd cartoons on the upstairs television. Approximately six of the two dozen chocolate chip cookies my mother had baked remained on the kitchen counter and when I pressed them for additional information on the confectionary whereabouts, both my son and my mother – in strict adherence with black America's "stop snitching" philosophy – pled mutual ignorance.

I was reminded of my mother again when the Baskin-Robbins ice cream chain recently brought back their German Chocolate Cake flavor. It's a seasonal release that usually appears in September/October. But, when I was a morbidly-obese pre-teen living up in Long Beach, my local Baskin-Robbins only sold it in November. I remember this because on Sundays my mother would go to the supermarket and shop for the rest of the week. I would often go with her so that I could select an appropriate cereal based solely on the quality of the prize inside (YAY! – Officially licensed superhero trinkets or baseball cards. BOO! – Terrariums or other educational knick-knacks.) Afterwards, we'd stop at the Baskin-Robbins on 4th and Cherry for a cone.

Back in the mid-1980s, "cookies and cream" ice cream had taken the nation by storm. If you're too young to remember; you'll just have to trust me when I say it put the "chocolate chip cookie dough" ice cream craze from the following decade to shame. Cookies and cream was my go-to scoop from 1984 through 1986 and I never strayed. Oh, sure, I'd ask for a teeny pink plastic-spooned sample of other flavors, but that's not "edible adultery". It was more like an "edible booty call" with my ice cream wife's closest friends and co-workers. Harmless. Victimless. Delicious. But, I always came back to the one I loved.

Until I tasted German Chocolate Cake ice cream.

It was obvious that I'd rushed into my first ice cream commitment with cookies and cream. I pulled the ripcord on that relationship and 25 years later, I've never looked back. Yes, I experimented with frozen yogurt just like everyone else in the 1980s. I can say I've purchased my share of pints from Ben & Jerry's -- with their Oatmeal Cookie Chunk coming this close to being christened my third ice cream wife. But, I am nothing if not loyal to...wait, what? Ben & Jerry's recently introduced their take on German Chocolate Cake ice cream?! Good thing I didn't finish that "...nothing if not loyal..." sentence, eh?






Ben & Jerry's version is called "Fair Goodness Cake!". (Do I really have to make the obligatory reference to The Simpsons here? Fine. [Inhale.] And, like the Be Sharps, the name is witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. Happy?!) It's described as "chocolate ice cream with German Chocolate Cake pieces and a coconut caramel swirl".





Before we continue, I suppose I should call attention to the ironic elephant in the room. I'm really not a fan of plain chocolate ice cream. If it were ever put to a vote, chocolate would finish fourth in my personal Neapolitan district. To me, most chocolate ice creams have an underlying bitterness that flies in the face of everything ice cream should be. Y'know...sweet.

Unfortunately, "Fair Goodness Cake!" stumbles out of the first-taste gate with a pronounced absence of sweetness. The caramel tries its best to balance everything out, but that leads into my second issue: there's not enough "everything else". Ben & Jerry's is synonymous with plenty of toppings IN the ice cream, but here, the coconut caramel swirl is, relatively speaking, a thin wisp. Each spoonful produces a mildly sweet finish, but before the next bite, the bitterness returns to bombard your taste buds. And, the chocolate cake pieces are left as an obvious redundancy, failing as a flavor accompaniment/contrast or textural lift.

Admittedly, it's inherently unfair to compare the look of a hand-packed pint with one that's prepackaged, but LOOK at how much better Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake ice cream LOOKS!





That's ooey-gooey caramel on top and it's spooled throughout, pooling beneath the surface every few centimeters. The chocolate ice cream has more of a milk chocolate quality -- rich, decadent and filled with guilt. But, my favorite part(s) just might be "everything else". Baskin-Robbins lifts Ben & Jerry's gimmick by blending in lots of walnuts and chocolate chunks. The walnuts cut some of the sweetness from the ice cream and caramel while their texture on the tongue is terrific. The chewy chocolate chunks are a wee bit bitter, but work as a background ingredient and lend some complexity.

Ben & Jerry's "Fair Goodness Cake!" has been promoted as a "limited batch", but it's been well-stocked in my local supermarkets for months. As the "plan B" to my all-time favorite ice cream, it's an acceptable substitute when Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake isn't available. Thankfully, my wife came home with a $13.99 three-ton tub from Baskin-Robbins earlier this week.

I'm good until Veterans' Day.

Grade (Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake): 500 (out of 5)

Grade (Ben & Jerry's "Fair Goodness Cake!"): 2.5 (out of 5)

NFL Pickery -- Week #8

Last Week

Joe: 12-1(!)
Aaron: 8-5

Current Standings

Aaron: 68-35
Joe: 68-35


Arizona at Baltimore

Aaron: Last Monday night, I chose the fifth game of the World Series over the unattractive match-up between the Jaguars and Ravens. When the Texas Rangers recorded the last out, I flipped over to ESPN and watched the final two minutes of Monday Night Football as the execrable Jags held on to upset the Ravens. Whew. Lucky I didn't have anything riding on that game. Right, Joe? Pick: Baltimore

Joe: A PERFECT WEEK OF PICKS, THAT'S ALL. I could not have been more smug about my prospects for perfection going into Monday night. I was more worried about New Orleans-Indy than I was about Baltimore beating goddamn Jacksonville. I may never forgive the Jaguars for that one (the Ravens either). Pick: Baltimore


Minnesota at Carolina

Aaron: When news broke last weekend regarding erstwhile Vikings starting QB Donovan McNabb and his mediocre work ethic, I realized there was STILL time to save his flickering career. I've watched enough movies to know that all he needs is a reason to care about football again. Perhaps he can be introduced to the daughter he never knew he had. Spoiler Alert! That worked for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in Disney's The Game Plan. Pick: Carolina

Joe: Well, Cam Newton and Team managed to do what they were supposed to do against Washington. It's the same deal here, although I'd be wary of how hard Minnesota fought against Green Bay. Carolina's defense is going to keep them from winning some winnable games down the stretch. Pick: Minnesota


Jacksonville at Houston

Aaron: If the Texans can get all-world WR Andre Johnson back on the field in the next week or two, this team could win 11 games. I know, I know...the experts have been predicting good seasons from Houston for years. And, all it took was a potentially career-ending neck injury to intra-divisional foe Peyton Manning for a Texans' playoff season to be realized. Hope you can sleep well at night, citizens of Houston. Pick: Houston

Joe: Grr. Tear 'em limb from limb, Wade Phillips-coached Texans defense. (See what my Jags hatred is making me root for??) Pick: Houston


Miami at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: I'm already sick of the "suck for (Andrew) Luck" storyline and there's still two more months left in the regular season. The Dolphins aren't as inept as equally winless Indianapolis. Home dates against Washington in November and Oakland in December present the best opportunities for that elusive "W". But, wait...Miami isn't home this week! And, it's still October!!! Pick: NY Giants

Joe: TOTALLY co-signing the weariness at the easiest nonsense story in all of football. Miami is perfectly capable of being terrible without any added motivation. Pick: NY Giants


New Orleans at St. Louis

Aaron: The Rams have scored the fewest points in the NFL and allowed the second most. We're done here. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I love that the Saints can hang 62 on the Colts and STILL have fantasy-football underperformers. They should be able to do what they want with the crappy Rams defense. Pick: New Orleans


Indianapolis at Tennessee

Aaron: I'd like to respectfully extend a fantasy middle finger to the Titans. Last week, I started QB Matt Hasselbeck in place of a bye-week'd Tom Brady. Combine that with my season-long drafting remorse over RB Chris Johnson and my fantasy team lost by, like, a kajillion points. Just watch...NOW both of them will show up. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Are the Titans the most boring team in football this season? Oh, for the days of Albert Haynesworth curb-stompings and inexplicable mid-season Randy Moss signings! I want to say the Colts pull off the inexplicable upset here, but I think I'll save that for the rematch in Indy. Pick: Tennessee


Washington at Buffalo

Aaron: This Redskins team is kind of feisty on defense and 30-year-old career-long backup QB John Beck played quite solidly for almost three quarters on the road last week before his inevitable immolation. The Bills are rested and playing at home, but I still have a feeling that Joe's during-the-game Twitter feed will be a roller coaster of terrifying lows, dizzying highs and creamy middles. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I made my own bed two weeks ago in talking about the faith I had in my football team and thus dooming them to come up short against the Giants (and in the process exposing our fatal flaw on offense – the inability to stretch opposing defenses with the deep ball). So don't mistake this for reverse-psychology: I am petrified of this game, not least because of the Bills' recent tendency to use the bye week not to get healthy but to remember that they're the Bills and should be losing games like this. Not to mention the Toronto factor, which is like playing inside your own burial plot. I hate these games where we're favored. Hate them. Pick: Buffalo


Detroit at Denver

Aaron: Am I the only one who finds the beating-a-dead-horse mocking of Tim Tebow's faith more than a little unseemly? During the first five minutes of his weekly "pick the spreads" podcast, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons seemed to take way too much pleasure from picking the low-hanging fruit. Tebow will have a stadium full of fans who are 100% behind him this Sunday and he's facing a reeling Lions team. I'm looking forward to avoiding everyone's postgame commentary after this one. Pick: Denver

Joe: It's a difficult balance with Tebow mockery, because the second that stops, the mainstream hagiographies commence. Meanwhile, Kordell Stewart is kicking himself for not having the Christian hook when he was busy being a running back in a QB's body. This seems like a tricky game for all involved. Detroit's been on a serious slide, but at base they're still a better team than the Broncos. And if the Dolphins could almost beat them? Pick: Detroit


New England at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Speaking of Bill Simmons -- and, for me, beating a dead horse -- his expert, unbiased analysis for predicting a Patriots win here was that New England always beats Pittsburgh. Not because the Patriots are coming off of a bye week or because the Steelers have looked old and decrepit on defense...the Pats just always win the Steelers. Always. Pick: New England

Joe: The good thing about this Patriots team is that, despite the fact that they keep winning, they always look somewhat beatable. Pittsburgh's been playing well(ish) in recent weeks, but a possible shootout doesn't suit them. New England


Cleveland at San Francisco

Aaron: This 49ers team could conceivably finish 13-3, you guys. That would mean a first week playoff bye and possibly home field advantage throughout the postseason. Alex Smith could be the starting quarterback in a Super Bowl! Why isn't this getting more publicity and why isn't everyone else as terrified as I am?! Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Good thing for the Super Bowl-bound 49ers that they're cutting their teeth on quality opposition like the Browns, then. Pick: San Francisco


Cincinnati at Seattle

Aaron: If I learned nothing else after foolishly picking Seattle on the road last week in Cleveland, it's that I'd be better served by picking against every NFC West team (save for San Francisco) in every out-of-division game they play. Everything makes more sense with italics. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Oh man. Picking counter to Cam in these Seattle games feels like a gimmick, but it's not. A 7-foot-tall escaped convict obsessed with destroying the Cobb County lawman who put him behind bars barz? THAT is a gimmick. Pick: Seattle


Dallas at Philadelphia

Aaron: Coming off of a bye week, you'd think the Eagles would be the healthier and more prepared team. But, the Cowboys looked good in a loss to New England two weeks ago, annihilated the sad-sack Rams last week and will probably have an effective enough defensive scheme crafted by their bat-sh*t insane defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. Over/under on NBC sideline shots of him during the game: 12.5. Pick: Dallas

Joe: If Demarco Murray turns out to be more than a one-week wonder at RB, the Cowboys might actually have balance on offense for the first time since Marion Barber saved my fantasy season in 2006. Tough to pick against the home teams in these NFC East battles, though. Pick: Philadelphia


San Diego at Kansas City

Aaron: It was the sports-talk apocalypse here in San Diego this week. The Chargers were done after their loss to the Jets. Head coach Norv Turner should be fired for his two-minute drill mismanagement. Even QB Philip Rivers was catching heat as fans wondered if he was the right guy to lead this team. Not mentioned: they're 4-2, TE Antonio Gates is back and they're much better than the Chiefs. (Don't tell the Chargers fans, though. I'm enjoying the local show of collective self-loathing!) Pick: San Diego

Joe: The Chiefs seem intent on putting up a fight this season, and a win here would officially put the West into upheaval, but the Chargers will be happy to deal with a defense that isn't the Jets this week. Pick: San Diego

NFL Pickery -- Week #7

Last Week

Joe: 11-2
Aaron: 8-5


Current Standings

Aaron: 60-30
Joe: 56-34


Washington at Carolina

Aaron: In the same week that Vikings QB Donovan McNabb lost his starting job, the man who infamously replaced him (Rex Grossman) during last year's turbulent Redskins season has now been benched by Washington. How long before head coach Mike Shanahan publicly calls out the team's director of player personnel? Wait...what? They're the same person? Oh, Washington. Pick: Carolina

Joe: This isn't a slam on Cam Newton, but after three straight weeks of the Panthers being everybody's upset darling pick (at least one of those weeks I was part of the problem) and getting beat, this is the week they actually need to win and not just look good losing. "Or else?" you ask? SHUT UP, I say! Pick: Carolina


Seattle at Cleveland

Aaron: At some point, the Seahawks will play a road game that doesn't require them to traverse five time zones. Until then, this is a team coming off a bye week that hung 28 and 36 points, respectively, against the Falcons and Giants. Good defenses? No, but look who they're playing this week. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Seattle has looked like a feisty team against better competition, this is true. But they're still not good. And not-good teams end up playing to the level of their competition a lot of times. And the Browns seem to grind so many of their games to a 13-10 halt. That's the kind of game Cleveland's equipped to win. Pick: Cleveland


Atlanta at Detroit

Aaron: None of the Falcons' three wins have come against a team that currently sports a winning record. Surprisingly, only one of the Lions' five wins meets that criteria. Detroit didn't look good in last week's loss to the 49ers -- particularly QB Matthew Stafford -- and now they're without leading rusher Jahvid Best. Let's not fall all over ourselves making tired "chariot ---> pumpkin" clichés. That's what ESPN: First Take is for. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Remember before the media began inventing random predictive stats like "Matt Ryan can't play in humidity" and "West Coast teams don't win when traveling east," there was the chestnut that said dome teams couldn't win Super Bowls? The Rams and Saints ended up disproving that one, but can dome teams from Atlanta or Detroit with quarterbacks named "Matt" win Super Bowls? History argues that they NEVER can. Pick: Atlanta


Denver at Miami

Aaron: New Broncos starting quarterback Tim Tebow...back in Florida...on the Lord's Day? From the perspective of biblical home field advantage, this will be the antithesis of that whole "Battle of Jericho" kerfuffle (Joshua 6: 1-27). Pick: Denver

Joe: I admit, my crappy fantasy football season has mirrored Denver's in that we're both turning to Tim Tebow for salvation. Lucky for me, I can win even if the Broncos lose. Which hopefully they won't do at dreadful Miami. Pick: Denver


San Diego at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: The Jets' 3-3 record is an eerily accurate reflection of their talent. They've defeated three mediocre teams (Dallas, Jacksonville, Miami) and lost to three good-to-very good teams (Oakland, New England, Baltimore). The 4-1 Chargers, meanwhile, haven't played a good game -- from start to finish -- all season. It would appear to be "clobberin' time". Pick: San Diego

Joe: It feels weird, after two seasons of being a de facto Jets fan (to spite the Patriots and the Boston-dominated sports media, mostly), to have to root against the Jets, so they stay behind the Bills in the standings. Still feels too early in the season for the Chargers to start whomping ass, unfortunately. Pick: NY Jets


Chicago at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The NFL's annual London game is usually played on sod flown in from the Dagobah System and won by the team that controls the time of possession with a superior ground game. That would seem to favor the healthier Bears and RB Matt Forte. Don't, however, underestimate Jay Cutler's ability to ruin any narrative -- here or abroad. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Ugh, the London game. Almost as terrible and joyless as the annual Toronto game, with London only getting a break because their "football" is another sport entirely and confusion over team names like "Buccaneers" sounding more like an awful-tasting English dinner than something to be cheered. Chicago just seems more at home in ugly, dire conditions, right? Pick: Chicago


Houston at Tennessee

Aaron: More fun with small sample sizes -- the Texans averaged 30 points per game against their first three opponents (Indianapolis, Miami, New Orleans) of the 2011 season. Over their next three games, including a pair against the tough defense of Pittsburgh and Baltimore, the Texans averaged just 17 points. Their opponent this week plays pretty good defense, so...spoiler alert! Pick: Tennessee

Joe: This will be a better barometer of how Houston looks without Andre Johnson and Mario Williams than that Ravens game was. They'd have lost that game anyway. It's probably dumb to pick the hobbled team against the home team with a good defense, put counter-picking Cam worked out well last week, so ... Pick: Houston


Pittsburgh at Arizona

Aaron: I am grudgingly ready to accept that Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb might not be as good as everyone thought he'd be during that one week in August 2010 when 10,000 articles were written about him. He would appear to be the NFL equivalent to pogs and Zubaz. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: The Cardinals are tough little bastards at home, and Pittsburgh did exactly what I thought they'd do last week as they looked bad while beating the Jags. Arizona at home is tempting as hell, but they're a team Roethlisberger can throw on. Be prepared for me to smugly have my cake and eat it too if the Cards do win, though. Pick: Pittsburgh


Kansas City at Oakland

Aaron: So, my Raiders went out and acquired disgruntled quarterback Carson Palmer from Cincinnati. While I'm of the belief that back-up QB Kyle Boller could hand the ball to RB Darren McFadden 30 times and dump wobbly loaves of bread 10 yards into the flat -- just like Raiders QB Jason Campbell has done for the past two seasons -- I'm fine with the acquisition...but, not the cost. With the not-so-surprising rumors that Palmer has looked really rusty this past week and may not start, this one could be closer than a lot of people think. Pick: Oakland

Joe: Despite the fact that they're one of Buffalo's main rivals for the AFC Wild Card (he says, thinking waaay too far ahead), I'm going to end up rooting for the Raiders if only to shut down the smug Carson Palmer media pile-on. That said, while reverse-psychology is the worst method for picking games, has there ever been a Chiefs-Raiders game that has gone the way it was expected to? Pick: Kansas City


St. Louis at Dallas

Aaron: Hey, it's the regular season NFL equivalent to baseball's World Series! Currently! In football, however, it's the team from Texas with the blowhard leader who's in front of every camera and it's the team from St. Louis that no one knows about outside of their home state. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Credit to the Cowboys for playing the Patriots way closer than I expected them to. I doubt they'll have to settle for a moral victory this time. Pick: Dallas


Green Bay at Minnesota

Aaron: At what point is it OK for the media to ignore Brett Favre? His comments regarding current Packers QB Aaron Rodgers and how he "...fell into a good situation..." were akin to your grandfather commenting on "these kids today" or sharing his outdated appellations for African-Americans. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: You have to feel for the media a little bit. This twice-annual matchup used to feature Favre's relentless self-regard and at least one ready-made Randy Moss controversy. Now, what? Aaron Rodgers's unflashy excellence? Christian Ponder, the boringest of the rookie QBs? Poor Tony Siragusa is going to have to start literally tap-dancing on the sidelines. Pick: Green Bay


Indianapolis at New Orleans

Aaron: The upshot of yet another Peyton Manning-free prime time appearance for Indianapolis is getting to hear eternal back-up quarterback Curtis Painter say his name and college when NBC goes through the player-introduced starting lineups. No, I'm serious. That's the only reason to watch. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: So the media has turned on (or at least tired of) the Saints now that they're not scoring 50 points a game anymore and the Katrina narrative has grown tired. I'm sure Bob Costas will trump up something ridiculous for his weekly soft-focus tone-poetry. Perhaps the current state of the po' boy? Pick: New Orleans


Baltimore at Jacksonville

Aaron: "Alright, Joe Flacco...you hate me and I hate you even more. But without my beloved Tom Brady, you're all I've got in fantasy football this week. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that...someone else might have told you over the course of your life and go out there and win!" Pick: Baltimore

Joe: HA HA HA HA. Oh, Monday Night Football. You once-proud old grizzly bear. Pick: Baltimore

TBG Eats: The NEW Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich from Taco Bell

Current Weight: 165.2 lbs.


Suggested new eatery to wife. She said she's eaten there twice - violating the "old married couple" credo. This is "date night adultery". -- From my Twitter feed.

Next month, Mrs. Bootleg and I will celebrate our nine-year wedding anniversary. "Celebrate", of course, is in the eye of the beholder. For our first anniversary, we went to dinner at one of those pretentious steakhouses where 80% of the interior decor -- from the booths to the menus -- is made from leather. In 2012, for our tenth anniversary, we've kicked around the idea of doing New York (this time together!)

But, in roughly three weeks, for an anniversary that's neither the first or divisible by five? Date night.

Date night has evolved significantly since my wife and I actually...y'know...started dating. It's not better. It's not worse. It's just...different. It has limits. In fact, I remember when "date night" -- for us -- changed forever.

On our second anniversary, Mrs. Bootleg and I had designs on dinner and a movie. We found an upscale Italian restaurant in a section of San Diego that teetered precariously between "sketchy" and "respectable". To this day, I remember my linguine with mussels and being mildly repulsed at my plate full of mollusks. The half-open shells implied that their collective stock pot-caused deaths occurred mid-scream.

I also enjoyed several whiskey-based cocktails that evening. In fact, I drank so much that we had to cancel the "movie" portion of dinner and a movie. (Since we'd planned to see Jamie Foxx in Ray, my actions incurred the wrath of both Mrs. Bootleg AND the National Black Caucus.) Not long after that, "dinner and a movie" became "dinner or a movie". When we go out to dinner, my wife and I can enjoy a large meal at a leisurely pace and be home before the food coma kicks in. When we go to the movies, we'll see an evening show and then visit our usual watering hole -- blending in seamlessly with the bar patrons who are 62.5% of our age.

It just so happened to be "movie night" a few weeks ago, so Mrs. Bootleg and I saw Moneyball. It was the second time for me and while I enjoyed the film (again), I think I might've been more excited for our post-theater drinks at Callahan's. Their signature red ale is one of my favorite beers and I'd deliberately skipped dinner so I'd have room for an 11:00 PM sourdough bread bowl of their famous Irish stew -- which is akin to eating perfectly seasoned spoonfuls of a petting zoo.

Mrs. Bootleg, however, called an audible and suggested we try a different nightcap location.

As most of you know, my wife loves margaritas. Unfortunately, Callahan's doesn't make them. This would've been the perfect time for me to exercise one of those rare marital vetoes, but I'd just made my wife sit through more than two hours of cinematic sabermetrics. Besides, I could tell by the casual insistence in her voice that she was subliminally begging me to push back on the subject -- just so she could remind me that I'd made her sit through more than two hours of cinematic sabermetrics. I opted not to give her the nag-centric satisfaction.

So, instead of Callahan's, we pulled up to Miguel's Cocina -- a cookie-cutter, casual dining faux-ican spot that provided the delicious margaritas Mrs. Bootleg craved and at least passable sustenance for me.

No, wait. The kitchen's closed.

Oh, well...at least my wife got what she wanted all along.

No, wait. She had just two or three sips of her margarita. She obviously didn't like it. If we had gone to Callahan's, Mrs. Bootleg could've had an impossible-to-screw-up glass of wine. And, food.

All of this explains how we ended up at the Taco Bell drive-thru window an hour later.

Last year, I reviewed TB's Chicken Flatbread Sandwich. It was a solid -- albeit simplistic -- snack that was tastier than the sum of its parts and positioned at a sensible price. It's been brought back for a limited time and joined by a new Bacon Ranch version. Here's the description from Taco Bell's website:

A warm, soft flatbread layered with 100% marinated all-white-meat chicken, a three cheese blend and topped with bacon ranch sauce.






The chalky-dry flatbread remains unchanged from the original. The chunks of chicken are still sparse and Taco Bell's three cheese blend is -- as always -- an indiscernible confluence of cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella. It was the chipotle sauce that carried last year's Chicken Flatbread Sandwich. This time, TB seeks the same result with a bacon ranch sauce.

It's a decent condiment that's hurt by two of its attributes. First, it's very thin. As a contrast to the other elements, it should've been thicker -- perhaps more "spread" than "sauce". Second, the imitation bacon flavor in the sauce tastes very artificial. Imagine a Bac-Os Extract and you'll get the idea.





Taco Bell's Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich isn't awful, but simply doesn't work as well as the original. It could really use some real bacon flavor and mouthfeel.

Remember: if you're settling for fake bacon, it means your wife won.

Grade: 2.5 (out of 5) Calories: 300 Fat: 16g

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #6

Last Week

Aaron: 10-3
Joe: 8-5

Current Standings

Aaron: 52-25
Joe: 45-32


Carolina at Atlanta

Aaron: Based on ten years of hard evidence, here's what we know about black quarterbacks who play in Atlanta: first they blow up (in the "urban dictionary" hippity-hoppity sense) like Michael Vick from 2001-06 and then they blow up (in the more traditional figurative sense) like Michael Vick in the summer of 2007. And, assuming this theory applies to black quarterbacks from visiting teams… Pick: Carolina

Joe: Carolina's the hot upset pick this week, but on the road against a team that's managed to somehow deservedly get an undeserved reputation for being crappy, I think Cam Newton ends up falling short again. Pick: Atlanta


Indianapolis at Cincinnati

Aaron: I hope self-exiled Bengals QB Carson Palmer waits a few more weeks to lift his media silence. With the Colts and Seahawks on the horizon, the Bengals could be 5-2 very soon. From there, they have Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Houston over five of the following six weeks. Along the same lines, I hope Palmer's only public statement is "See?!" Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Well, the Painter-to-Garcon dynasty looked pretty great last week even if the defense couldn't stop Dwayne Bowe from catching touchdowns with his shoelaces. They're on the verge of getting that first big W, but Cincy still has my prison-loyalty from a few weeks ago, so ... Pick: Cincinnati


Jacksonville at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The Steelers' remaining schedule is dotted with just enough cupcakes to mask their obvious decline and possibly ensure at least one home playoff game in January. If this happens, I hope the rest of you will join me in betting the entirety of your child's college fund against Pittsburgh. It'll be free money, yo. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Look, I'm not going to pretend that Ben Roethlisberger's five touchdowns weren't much-appreciated last week, but it did smack of getting all their offensive output out of their system in one game. They won't need nearly that much to beat the Jags, but I bet this one is ugly and closer than it should be. Pick: Pittsburgh


Buffalo at New York Giants

Aaron: If I lived in New York and had even a modicum of tolerance for sports-talk radio, I would've loved to have listened to the aftermath of the Giants' inexplicable home loss to Seattle. I might have to look into which NYC broadcasts I can stream this week. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: There's almost no way I'm not going to regret what I'm about to type, but: watching the Bills win over Philly last week, I really felt like I was watching a tide turning. It's not like the Bills haven't had hot streaks in recent years (4-of-5 in 2006, 6-of-8 in 2007, 5-1 to start the 2008 season), but especially on offense, this doesn't feel like a mediocre team riding a wave of good fortune. This is a good, confident team. It'd be nice if the defense could stop a drive in the second half without getting a turnover, though. That would be great. Anyway, I'm just happy that they've reached a point where I don't have to pick against them for fear of bad juju. Pick: Buffalo


San Francisco at Detroit

Aaron: Based solely on combined winning percentage, this is pretty much your "game of the week", America. And, be honest...could you name five Detroit Lions even if I spotted you QB Matthew Stafford, RB Jahvid Best, WR Calvin Johnson and DE Ndamukong Suh? HEY...without looking it up! Pick: Detroit

Joe: TE Brandon Pettigrew, suckaaaa! It's kind of cool that the rise of the 49ers to 4-1 has pushed Detroit out of the "For real or pretenders?" circle (along with the Bills) and into a realm where everybody just takes it as given that they're good. ...Which IS the case, make no mistake. Niners coming down to Earth in a hurry this week. Pick: Detroit


St. Louis at Green Bay

Aaron: I love that this State Farm insurance commercial with Packers QB Aaron Rodgers celebrates what might be the worst touchdown dance in NFL history. Your 25-year reign of terror is over, Ickey Shuffle. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: When you're scoring as many touchdowns as Aaron Rodgers is, he can celebrate however he wants to. As I'm sure he will this week. Pick: Green Bay


Philadelphia at Washington

Aaron: A few weeks ago, Sports Illustrated published a piece on Philadelphia sports fans and how their long-standing image as belligerent mouth-breathers had been soften by the success of the Phillies. I would welcome a follow-up article on this subject. Pick: Washington

Joe: Ugh. I hate picking the Redskins in this game. I hate picking the Redskins in any game. Are they really the favorites in the NFC East without ONE offensive player who strikes anything approaching fear in the hearts of opponents? Maybe the anything-goes nature of these intra-divisional games is what Philly needs to snap themselves out of whatever is wrong with them? Pick: Philadelphia


Cleveland at Oakland

Aaron: For the first time ever, my seven-year-old son has taken an interest in this lightly-read blog. He particularly enjoys these football picks. Last Sunday, after seeing that I had picked against our Raiders for the fifth consecutive week, Jalen bluntly remarked, "Why does Joe believe in the Raiders more than you?!" I had no retort. Pick: Oakland

Joe: THAT'S A REALLY GOOD QUESTION, JALEN. The should-win game is always a big test for an emerging team, but I just don't think the Browns have an answer for Darren McFadden. Pick: Oakland


Houston at Baltimore

Aaron: The Ravens are at home after a bye week. The Texans are on the road and will play without their best offensive player and their best defensive player. Sometimes hackneyed comedic bits aren't required to effectively pick football games, kids. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Don't worry, Bill Simmons! With Joe Flacco on one side and Matt Schaub on the other, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that one of them HAD to win. The improved Texans defense probably isn't as improved without Mario Williams, is my guess. Pick: Baltimore


New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Aaron: Trap game for the Saints? The Buccaneers aren't nearly as awful as they looked in a 45-point loss to San Francisco last week and they're playing at home. But, while the Saints have been unimpressive on defense, their offense continues to obliterate the opposition. And, if we've learned nothing else from video games, it's that it is possible to keep the ball forever... and score. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Trap game for the Saints! The Buccaneers aren't nearly as awful as they looked in a 45-point loss to San Francisco last week and they're playing at home. I have nothing else to day. Pick: Tampa Bay


Dallas at New England

Aaron: Arguably, the two most loathed NFL teams of my lifetime by the general public. This, of course, assumes that the general public doesn't have Tom Brady and Wes Welker on their money-league fantasy football team like I do. F*ck the haters, Patriots. Pick: New England

Joe: I don't think Dallas (nor Tony Romo) is as bad as people are cackling about. But they're not equipped to go into New England and win. Pick: New England


Minnesota at Chicago

Aaron: When Donovan McNabb played for the Eagles and Redskins, he won nearly 60% of his games against other NFC East opponents. I am of the belief that McNabb's intra-division statistics are going to take a hit this season. Pick: Chicago

Joe: I have a feeling the Bears are going to be one of those maddeningly hard to pin down 9-7 teams this season. They should be able to hold serve against the crappy Vikes, though. Pick: Chicago


Miami at New York Jets

Aaron: While searching for the name of Miami's current quarterback, I came across the headline "Don't Underestimate Miami Dolphins QB Matt Moore". I'm going to take my chances on that one, y'all. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: I know the Jets haters are rubbing their hands gleefully at the thought that the off-puttingly beautiful Mark Sanchez and his boys could repeat last season's embarrassing loss to Miami. Those people should maybe get a grip. Pick: NY Jets

Don't Look at Me

Back from dentist. 1st cavity ever. Once luminous smile now hideously twisted. Searching for this mask, but for mouth. -- From my Twitter feed, October 3.

I've had the same dentist for the past 12 years. Her office is equidistant between my house and my employer. The waiting room is always stocked with the suburban equivalent (Us Weekly, OK! Magazine) to those ubiquitous black barbershop periodicals (Jet, Ebony). And, save for a single crown (thanks to a rogue Corn-Nut), I've never had any dental issues -- including cavities.

Now, that's not to say I enjoy every visit to the dentist.

During my biannual cleanings -- without fail -- my dentist attempts to upsell the latest hygienic and/or cosmetic innovations to me. I wouldn't mind her efforts to market to my mouth if she didn't use passive-aggressive digs as part of her sales pitch.

When I first started seeing her, she'd half-heartedly recommend Invisalign and other adult braces. ("You don't NEED them, but don't you want a nice smile?") From there, she began pushing teeth-whitening agents. ("I can tell you drink a lot of coffee. This would help with that!") Most recently, it's been the $200 sonic toothbrush kits. ("It will help your gum line look healthier!")

Last Monday, I prepared myself for the revelation of yet another oral shortcoming. While fully reclined in the chair, my dentist took a perfunctory peek inside my mouth before beginning the cleaning. Moments later, she determined I'd developed a cavity in my lower right wisdom tooth. And, she declared this diagnosis with the same absence of urgency one would exhibit upon finding five cents in the pocket of an old pair of pants.

My dentist offered to fill in the cavity right then and there, but the thought of a needle immediately in my mouth was incredibly unnerving. Instead, I scheduled an appointment for three days later -- unwittingly ensuring a 72-hour extension of "incredibly unnerving".

This past Thursday, I spent most of my lunch hour researching any possible links between aspirin allergies and Novocain. While I couldn't find anything substantive, I was still talking myself into the paranoid, panicky idea that Novocain could kill me. My anxiety was undoubtedly rooted in my most recent visit to Urgent Care -- when the doctor recommended medicine that could've killed me. It's harder than you'd think to shake those memories, yo.

Later that day, I was back in the dentist's chair -- once again, fully reclined -- with two pairs of eyes looking down upon my mouth. My dentist reviewed the x-rays with her assistant and prepared the anesthetic. I rigidly readied myself for the needle and the resultant discomfort. The cold adamantium penetrated my mandible. Soon, I'd be feeling...an unusually large amount of liquid at the back of my throat?

"OK, don't swallow. Do NOT swallow!"

Admittedly, I know little about the inner workings of the medical profession. But, in an instant I've culled my memories of television and movies. The only times a doctor raises his or her voice to a patient is when they're about to lose one ("Stay with me! Stay with me!") Is this blood pooling atop my tonsils? Was it the embarrassing by-product of my gag reflex?

"I'm sorry, Aaron. Most of the anesthetic sprayed back into your mouth. I think it's because your alveolar is particularly uneven. I wasn't expecting that."

My dentist gave me a second injection and warned that the effects would linger longer than with a single shot. She also mentioned that the numbness would almost certainly be "less localized" due to the splash-back off my malformed alveolar. The cavity wasn't deep, so the filling only took a few minutes. But, my lifelong winning streak against the cavity creeps had been snapped.

The below picture of me in the jacket and tie was taken two months ago. The other was taken as I walked through the door after my dental adventure had ended.

"Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection
Don't look at me; I will only let you down..."