The Obligatory Christmas Episode

5:45 AM. Christmas morning.

My six-year-old son Jalen -- moving with all the grace of an inebriated rhinoceros -- stumbled downstairs, audibly gasped in the direction of the presents under the tree and applied a simple tactile test to each of the individual stockings before providing shrill, surround-sound confirmation that filled every room of Stately Bootleg Manor: "Santa came!"

I was awakened as soon as Jalen's feet hit the floor, but since I stayed under the sheets, my son felt obligated to act as our holiday alarm clock. And, even though Jalen's "wake-up-dad" tactic has been the same for as long as I can remember, it never fails to surprise and terrify me.

Jalen uses textbook two-handed CPR chest compressions to the side of my head when he's deemed I've had enough sleep. The first few times, in the panic of a darkened room, I assumed it was Mrs. Bootleg attempting to choke me out with her silk scarf -- the innocuous, yet omnipresent nocturnal hair-care accessory of the African-American woman.* This time, I violently lurched forward the moment my son laid hands to my head.

* -- Mrs. Bootleg is SERIOUS about her silk scarves. Once or twice a year, she'll have half a glass of wine and pass out on the downstairs couch. I've then heard her in our master bathroom, half-asleep, wrapping her hair as late as 3:45 AM; even though she gets up for work less than two hours later. Is there a white woman equivalent to this? There can't be.

Downstairs with Jalen, I groggily suggested he wait until his mother woke up before we started opening presents. The resultant look of exasperation on his face could've stood on its own, but then Jalen began pacing back and forth through our living room like an expectant father -- or those lions at the zoo that spend every waking hour plotting to devour their captors.

Fortunately, Mrs. Bootleg wasn't far behind and Christmas could officially begin for Jalen.

Christmas Cards of Awesome -- Those of you who read my Twitter feed already know that there was a two-way tie for the most incredible AND inappropriate Christmas cards we received this year. The former vice-president of my department might have the greatest family portrait ever captured on film. Meanwhile, the staff at physical therapy posed for their card...while in the middle of a group spa treatment.

Alcohol! Detection! -- Not since Christmas 1982, when my brother and I found an Atari 2600 under the tree, have I wanted to try out a gift more than the Digital Alcohol Detector that Mrs. Bootleg bought for me. According to the ad copy, all I have to do is exhale and it "screens for the presence of alcohol and estimates blood alcohol content in seconds". Two more points: (1) The unofficial record for fine print is shattered with all the "this is NOT a police issued/administered breathalyzer" liability-eliminating language. (2) The device can't even replicate the simple technology of my son's digital thermometer which maintains a record of the highest temperature registered in its memory. Pretty sure that feature alone would inadvertently make this device the single greatest drinking game of all time.

A Mother's Gift -- It was bad enough that Mrs. Bootleg put a raincoat for Jalen in a gift box and then gift wrapped it before presenting it to our son as a Christmas gift. But, she went the extra mile by reacting as if Jalen just opened a briefcase filled with hundred dollar bills: "Wow! It's a raincoat! Now, you can stay dry in the rain!!!" (For the record, I abhor when writers use more than one exclamation point at the end of a sentence. Here, though, it fits the enthusiasm exhibited.) Jalen's impeccably dry response ("Really, mom?") made my morning.

Quick Quiz -- What are the two junk foods you'd least expect to find in a Christmas stocking? Go ahead and blurt 'em out...the first two that come to mind. Now, would Raisinets and beef jerky be more or less expected than the two you chose? Why, yes, that IS what I filled Mrs. Bootleg's stocking with.

Like Father... -- I only asked for one gift this Christmas. One gift that I absolutely, positively HAD to have. And, of course, Mrs. Bootleg came through. She bought one for Jalen, too. Did my son and I wear our matching Perry the Platypus "face" t-shirts up to Ontario for Christmas dinner at my mom's house? Bet your ass, we did.

"...But, Tonight, I'm Cleaning Out My Closet." -- When I moved to San Diego in 1995, I left a lot of my life in one of the spare bedrooms at my mom's house. For the first time in years, I sifted through some of my mid-90s memories and found a not-so-surprising amount of purple. I was really hoping to find either my $79 double-breasted purple suit (here's a reasonable facsimile sported by Heavy D.) or my bright purple jean shorts. Instead, all I could dig up were my old pair of Colorado Rockies-esque Nikes and these horrible purple and earth tone "all-terrain" shoes.

Like Grandfather... -- I had a melancholy conversation with my grandfather just before dinner. He came from a time when men-folk didn't go on and on about their medical issues and for as long as I can remember, all of my inquiries about his health were met with a cheerful, if occasionally insincere, "fine!". On Christmas, the two of us talked just out of earshot of the dining room revelry. Long story short, he needs a cane and he's finally decided to surrender a little bit of his legs to Father Time. My grandfather looked me right in the eye and said, "Y'know, I've never felt old before. I am old, but I never felt old. Now, I feel old." He'll be 85-years-old next month. That makes me sad.

Dinner -- Jalen had never had prime rib before and his default response to an unfamiliar meat is to ask what animal it comes from. Honestly, prime rib and horseradish are like peanut butter and jelly for adults. After annihilating a beautiful, bloody cut, along with an assortment of sides and my mom's homemade bread, it was almost time to leave. I volunteered to take my grandfather back to Long Beach -- turning my 90 minute drive into a three-hour road trip back to San Diego. Whatever. But, we couldn't leave yet. Jalen just asked, "Can I have some more cow?"

That made me happy.

2010 NFL Pickery -- Week #16 (Now with More Xmas!)

Last Week:

Aaron: 10-6
Joe: 10-6
Tom: 8-8


Overall:

Joe: 146-78
Aaron: 138-86
Tom: 137-87


Carolina at Pittsburgh (Thursday)

Joe: In this long, crazy season of multiple concussions and sub-.500 division champions and cell-phone wieners, we can at least count on the Steelers to beat the Panthers at home, right? Pick: Pittsburgh

Aaron: Other things we can count on this Thursday night include a large, loud segment of the league's fanbase bitching about the unavailability of the NFL Network; a larger, louder segment of fans over-criticizing color commentators Matt Millen and Joe Theismann and one of said color commentators looking out over the snow-strewn 22-degree field before proudly shouting, "This is FOOTBALL weather!" Pick: Pittsburgh


Dallas at Arizona (Saturday)

Joe: I'm not sure what the objectives are for the rest of the Cowboys' season (help Jason Garrett keep his job? Try out players for next year?), but if they want to win out the rest of the season, they shouldn't look past Arizona, a terrible team who can be maddeningly fortunate at home. Or maybe it's just that the only team bad enough to lose to the Cards anymore is Denver. Pick: Dallas

Aaron: So, you're going to leave ME to make the obligatory Jerry Maguire reference? Mainstream cinema is now beneath you, Jay Sherman? Fine. Fun fact -- the NFL footage used in the final scenes of Jerry Maguire were from a Cowboys vs. Cardinals contest that took place on December 25, 1995. In real life, Dallas won the game, but in the movie, Rod Tidwell led the Cards to victory. Y'know, people don't read us for incisive football analysis, Joe. Pick: Dallas


Baltimore at Cleveland

Aaron: The Ravens only won by a touchdown -- at home -- when these two teams met earlier in the season. Baltimore RB Ray Rice was returned to the Ravens last week, after spending a few months with...umm... Damn. I really wish I knew enough about HBO's The Wire to make a hilarious reference before the show turns into a pop culture security blanket for lazy sportswriters. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: This game's personal Christmas carol: "White Christmas," because of our favorite quasi-racist talking point on the Browns: whitey RB Peyton Hillis. With Cleveland in perpetual "play up/down to the quality of our opponent" mode, I'd take the point spread in this game, but picking straight up, I say Baltimore holds tight. Pick: Baltimore


N.Y. Jets at Chicago

Aaron: The Bears will be motivated by a possible NFC second seed in the playoffs, which means at least one postseason home game and a first round bye. The Jets, on the other hand, need to win every game from now through the Super Bowl if they have any hopes of quashing the national media narrative on their head coach's personal life. (Honestly, I'd have been a LOT more surprised at that sentence on the Bears, if you showed it to me at the beginning of this season.) Pick: Chicago

Joe:"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" -- Cam makes a really good point about the Bears -- a first round bye followed by a home game in the wintry confines of Is It Still Called Soldier Field(?) might give them decent (but still not great) Super Bowl odds. This game comes down to Mark Sanchez in cold weather (speaking of narratives the Jets would like to quash) versus the lingering image of how the AFC's finest treated the Bears. Pick: NY Jets


New England at Buffalo

Aaron: I can't think of a better belated Christmas gift for Joe than his beloved Bills upsetting the Patriots in his hometown of Buffalo. Of course, that's because I didn't get Joe sh*t for Christmas, except my annual family Christmas card. A Bills win can't be better than a picture of my family's festive faces. Pick: New England

Joe: "All I Want for Christmas Is You" -- In this case, "you" is "the Bills wiping that smug look off of Pats fans' faces." Alas, much like Mariah, my own pleas are doomed to go unanswered. (What? You seriously think she was thinking about Nick Cannon when she recorded that song? He was, like, eleven! Sick.) Pick: New England


San Francisco at St. Louis

Aaron: 49ers head coach Mike Singletary spent most of this week refusing to name his starting quarterback and insisting the tactic had nothing to do with gamesmanship. I know that words like "uppity" and "truculent" are, to an extent, Jim Crow archetypes, but damned if I can find more appropriate adjectives, y'all. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: "Hard Candy Christmas" -- The Rams aren't asking for much. Just to not be the first sub-.500 team to make the NFL playoffs. Pick: St. Louis


Detroit at Miami

Aaron: In his first year as a starter, Dolphins QB Chad Henne was a .500 quarterback in 2009. And, Miami fans are disappointed he didn't turn into Dan Marino in year two? All those Florida Marlins championships really spoiled the fanbase, no? Pick: Detroit

Joe: "Jingle Bell Rock" -- A Christmas song that always feels like it SHOULD be better than it actually is goes out to the Lions, a sleeper favorite of pretty much everyone's this year, even though they hadn't really been winning up until recently. Three in a row seems like a bit much, right? Pick: Miami


Tennessee at Kansas City

Aaron: My Raiders need a Chiefs loss here to keep their comatose playoff hopes alive. Kansas City is 6-0 at home and Tennessee is starting Kerry Collins, 60, at quarterback. Thanks, Titans. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" -- The Chiefs, and head coach Todd Haley, have decided to quit playing their bullshit reindeer games with Jamaal Charles and actually let him lead the way for a change. This is a smart decision. Don't think either the Jets or the Ravens are at all happy at the thought of having to travel to Arrowhead for the playoffs. Pick: Kansas City


Washington at Jacksonville

Aaron: Way too much is being made of Redskins QB Rex Grossman and his team's near-win in Dallas last week. The Jags aren't an intra-divisional foe playing with nothing to lose (or gain). Look it up, if you don't believe me. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: "O Little Town of Bethlehem" -- Just like Bethlehem lost out to Jerusalem in the great Christ-worshipping sweepstakes, so Jacksonville may end up losing their NFL team to Los Angeles. But at least they'll also have choked the division away to the Colts too! Pick: Jacksonville


Indianapolis at Oakland

Aaron: Yes, the Colts STILL have Peyton Manning -- which is the way his name appears in every predictive broadcast or write-up. But, reputation and resume only get you so far. The Raiders have been living on theirs for the last 25 years. I can recognize the end when I see it. Pick: Oakland

Joe: "Silver Bells" -- It could be a very silver-and-black kind of a day if the Raiders decide to play spoiler. But are they truly ready to destroy anyone's season but San Diego's (and, okay, my own suicide pool, tangentially)? Pick: Indianapolis


Houston at Denver

Aaron: I caught a lot of Tim Tebow's performance against Oakland last week. He wasn't nearly the "unfixable" and rigid work-in-progress that I expected. I don't know what his ceiling is, but "beating a Texans team that's quit on its coach and is fighting on the field during games" is a reachable goal for the week. Pick: Denver

Joe: "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" -- Really, any of the Christmas songs about celebrating the birth of the savior would apply to Tim Tebow. But I know the Evolutionary Doug Flutie when I see him! Pick: Houston


San Diego at Cincinnati

Aaron: Here in San Diego, the fans and media are collectively looking past the 3-11 Bengals. But, the Chargers have unexpectedly stubbed their toes on a few of their scheduled cupcakes and snow is in the forecast with predicted temperatures in the 20s. I'm picking with my heart. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: "Do You Hear What I Hear?" -- It's Cam, picking with his heart bile against the Chargers. I can't respect the Bengals after watching the Bills carve up their secondary a month ago. Pick: San Diego


Seattle at Tampa Bay

Aaron: By the lazy, alliterative standards of the sports media, this "Baby Bucs" nickname ranks second in annoyance only to that "Baby Bombers" Little League team from the Bronx several years ago. This blogger suggested "The Tampa Boy Buccaneers", but was shouted down at the press club. Pick: Seattle

Joe: "Do They Know It's Christmas?" -- Both because the Bucs are already playing for next year, and also because no, I still don't understand how Christmas feels like Christmas when it's all temperate and shit. Pick: Tampa Bay


N.Y. Giants at Green Bay

Aaron: A pissed off and embarrassed Giants team is playing for their playoff lives. The recently concussed Aaron Rodgers has been cleared to play. Let's hope he and his family celebrated Christmas on December 25 and aren't doing one of those "why don't we wait until after the game" against the New York defense. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: "Frosty the Snowman" -- Frosty was fragile too, and it never sat well with me how rough the town's children played with him. He was made of snow! He had no bone or muscle structure! Anyway, godspeed Aaron Rodgers. Pick: NY Giants


Minnesota at Philadelphia

Aaron: I literally turned on last Monday night's game just as the chalk outline of Brett Favre was being drawn around his frozen corpse on the field. His motionless husk still looked more competent at quarterback than his back-up, Joe Webb. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: "Jingle Bells" (this version). Oh, come on. If Michael Vick gets to actually own a dog again (for the kids!), I at least get to keep needling him ever so gently for having callously maimed and murdered so many of them, right? Pick: Philadelphia


New Orleans at Atlanta

Aaron: The Falcons beat the Saints in overtime earlier this season in New Orleans. So, in this season of gift exchange... Pick: New Orleans

Joe: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" -- If the Falcons can get past this one and wrap up the NFC, they're free to rest their starters next week. I'm not sure if that's still something we're supposed to get worked up about or not. Just in case, a pre-emptive "cram it" to anyone making the "obligation to your fans" argument. Pick: Atlanta

2010 Final A'ssessment: The Bullpen

Andrew Bailey -- (25 saves, 1.47 ERA)

2010 Grade: B+

The Good: Bailey made the American League All-Star team for the second straight season and followed up his 2009 Rookie of the Year award with another solid campaign. He didn't give up a run in his first 12 appearances (through May 8) and surrendered just three earned runs in his final 25 innings (June 10 through September 17) while striking out 27. Also, his commercials for the MLB 2K10 video game had a surprisingly high re-watchability factor.

The Not-So-Good: Bailey missed time with an injury to his ribcage that sidelined him for a stretch just after the All-Star break. Not long after he returned from that ailment, a sore elbow ended his season a few weeks early. His strikeout rate took a not-insignificant dip from 9.8 per nine innings to 7.7. Most of Bailey's struggles here were confined to the first two months of the season when he was playing through a minor knee injury.


And, the rest…: In his first full season in Oakland, Craig Breslow made 75 appearances and struck out 71 in 74.2 innings with a 3.01 ERA. Sidearmer Brad Ziegler remains a bit of an overrated novelty. He's a nice guy who's adored by the local media and revered by fans who still celebrate his record-breaking rookie scoreless innings streak. He's also horrible versus left-handed hitters (.317/.468/.567, 17 walks and 5 Ks in 78 PAs).

Jerry Blevins posted a 3.70 ERA in 63 games and struck out 8.5 batters per nine innings. These solid numbers belie the imaginary gasoline can he carried to the mound all season. His 1.48 WHIP and mediocre home run rate are better indicators of his performance. After his career year out of the 'pen in 2009, Michael Wuertz missed the first month of 2010 with an arm injury that may or may not have been caused by overuse. His innings were conservatively managed and save for a 20-game stretch in midseason (June 23-August 17, 1.56 ERA, 20 Ks in 17.2 innings), he never seemed right.

Finally, Henry Rodriguez and his uncontrollable 101 mph fastball were traded to Washington just last week.

More Baseball Stables

Last week's post comparing the Philadelphia Phillies pitching rotation with professional wrestling's Four Horsemen was – for some reason – one of the more polarizing pieces I've written in four years on the lightly-read blog beat. Some of y'all liked it and some of y'all hated it.

I expected more of a "liked it"/"didn't get it" split. It's not that the "stupid", "retarded" and "you don't know what you're talking about" barbs hurt my feelings. It's that none of these people could see this inherently absurd subject matter in the same way I see it. Be more like me, jerks!

M'man Jon P. followed up on my "Ph-our Horsemen" post with a terrific e-mail that brought even more pitching staffs and pro wrestling stables together. I sent it around to some friends and thought it was absolutely worth sharing here:

I got to thinking about other factions which have their counterparts in the world of baseball. I came up with a few, although they aren't specified to a team's pitching staff. Even I have my limitations.

New York Yankees -- The Heenan Family: Admittedly, it worked better before this summer, but in the spirit...a continually threatening, scary-looking group backed by a rich loudmouth, whose games/matches can be a chore to watch. Only occasionally wins championship gold.

Boston Red Sox -- N.W.O.: After years of being #2 with a bullet, a massive push puts them on top for a time. Yet that passion/desperation allows what enabled them to win to eat the team alive. Also, backed by media of a sometimes questionable credibility.

Los Angeles Dodgers -- D-Generation X: Not talking the original, edgy D-X (Baseball, edgy? Good one.), but the recent retread. They provide some entertainment on a weekly basis, but rarely win the gold, and are legendary largely on their past.

This last one was tough, as I needed links with family, tragedy, and a short, yet intense fling with success. So I had to go a few years back.

Florida Marlins -- Hart Foundation: A large, non-American following, familial connections, brief periods of major success, and a quick, sad decline due to an owner's choices, leaving a bad taste in the mouths of many fans.


So maybe there are more connections between the staid world of baseball and the wacky world of rasslin' than we thought. Now when do we set up the cage around home plate?

Five Days with the Black Amish

Two "behavior" calls in less than a week from my son's school. Teacher: "He's going thru a stage." Me: "I'm about to put him thru a wall." -- My Twitter response to Jalen's shenanigans.

My six-year-old son Jalen has spent about four months at his new school. It took him a few weeks to adjust, but today he sprints from my car to his classroom when I drop him off in the morning. After Mrs. Bootleg brings him home, he'll call me at work, beaming about the perfect score on his spelling test. And, I'm reasonably certain that Jalen has one of those adorable in-name-only "grade school" girlfriends.

Back in November, Mrs. Bootleg and I attended the first parent/teacher conference of the school year and it couldn't have went better. Jalen was excelling in the classroom and monopolizing our dinner table conversation with playground tales of tag and soccer; before emptying his shoes of all the sand he unsuspectingly smuggled out of the school's sand box.

On Thursday, December 9, my wife called me at work to let me know she had spoken with Jalen's teacher. It seems Jalen didn't want to do his schoolwork that day. More specifically, Jalen hadn't finished all of his morning work before recess and he wouldn't be allowed outside until he did. In response to this innocuous requirement, Jalen initiated a small-scale academic strike.

I don't mean to trivialize J's inappropriate behavior -- and I'm glad it was brought to our attention -- but, my reaction was mostly mild annoyance. I was sure the situation could be resolved with one of my glares and two days of grounding. So, for the rest of Thursday and all day Friday, Jalen lost his assortment of privileges -- from our father/son baseball website visits to TV and Nintendo Wii.

On Saturday, December 11, Jalen's punishment was lifted. Coincidentally, this was the same day that ESPN premiered its phenomenal documentary Pony Excess. For those who don't know, it's the story of the 1980s Southern Methodist University football program and their egregious repeat violations of college recruiting standards. SMU was infamously struck down with the "death penalty" -- an NCAA-mandated abolishment of football -- for continuing to break the rules after being caught (and punished) once before.

Just after lunch, on Monday, December 13, Mrs. Bootleg called me at work. Again. She let me know that Jalen's teacher had called. Again. I was already half-past pissed-off since I assumed it was another schoolwork issue. This time, however, the problem was on the playground.

Jalen's team lost at soccer. That was it.

And, Jalen didn't take the loss well.

His overemotional "sore loser" routine has become its own household tradition within the walls of Stately Bootleg Manor. So, imagine my pride when I discovered Jalen had taken his rage on the road. He even kicked it up a notch, as he slammed a gate closed out of frustration. When Mrs. Bootleg first explained the incident, she made it seem like Jalen had slammed the gate closed on another boy's face. Thankfully, that wasn't the case, but for a few moments, I thought we'd be sued, too.

This time, Jalen lost his privileges through Friday -- which meant me and Mrs. Bootleg "lost" them, too, while Jalen was awake.

Tuesday, December 14 -- Mrs. Bootleg and I exchanged text messages the day before, while contemplating Jalen's punishment. We agreed on a week-long sentence, but between the two of us, we inexplicably failed to give Jalen the message. I mentioned it off-handedly to Jalen just before school and his resultant Lifetime Movie of the Week meltdown could've come straight from the mouth of Meredith Baxter. ("I just want my life back!")

Wednesday, December 15 -- Jalen is taking the loss of television, video games and the internet in stride. In fact, if anything, the removal of all that electronic noise has heightened my son's use of applied knowledge. This evening's lesson was apparently taught by his mother as Jalen proudly showed off his latest school project: age charts for me and Mrs. Bootleg. My chart read "40 years old". Oh, grow up, Jalen. Real mature.

Thursday, December 16 -- The segregation from his privileges continued with the help of basketball practice. Trust me, y'all...I'll be covering "Basketball Jalen" in greater detail, but I have to commend the league for bringing together a group of boys whose style of play is a throwback to those 1989-1990 Detroit Pistons teams that negatively influenced the NBA for almost a decade. That's not sarcasm. Seriously, I can't wait!

Friday, December 17 -- Mrs. Bootleg was so pleased with Jalen's improved behavior that she's entertaining the idea of stronger restrictions when our son's time-wasting activities are returned. (Jalen -- if you're reading this -- and you learn nothing else from me for the next few years, remember these five words. Teach them to your mother. Just between us, I really want my post-work beer(s), couch divot and DVR back.)

2010 NFL Pickery -- Week #15

Last Week:

Joe: 11-5
Tom: 10-6
Aaron: 9-7


Overall:

Joe: 136-72
Tom: 129-79
Aaron: 128-80


San Francisco at San Diego (Thursday)

Aaron: It's raining here in San Diego and by game time, the field at Qualcomm Stadium could be a marshy bog. I'd write more, but the half-inch of precipitation we've already received has me thinking I should leave work early to beat the traffic, y'all. Pick: San Diego

Joe: I hadn't actually looked at the Niners' schedule before predicting last week that they'd charge to an 8-8 division championship. Um. That's not going to happen. Pick: San Diego

Washington at Dallas

Aaron: At week's end, the disproven rumors of Morgan Freeman's death are still more believable than the news that Rex Grossman will start for the Redskins at quarterback on Sunday. Pick: Dallas

Joe: So nice of Mike Shanahan and the Redskins to have thrown in the towel on the season just as I need them to beat the Redskins for Legitimate Reasons. Pick: Dallas


Buffalo at Miami

Aaron: The Dolphins' abysmal 1-5 home record is due in no small part to the number of good teams they've played in Miami this season. The Bills aren't good, but this is their second look at the Dolphins. And, using the "fool me once, shame on you..." rule... Pick: Buffalo

Joe: You'd think I would have much reason for optimism, but this is smelling like one of those "250 combined rushing yards from Williams and Brown" kind of laughers that remind you that the Bills are still pretty far away from being truly competitive. Pick: Miami


New Orleans at Baltimore

Aaron: WAY too much is being made of the Ravens' second half collapse against a strong Texans offense... in Houston and under a roof. The Saints haven't played well on the road in cold climates and -- unless I'm misreading the match-up --- this game is both of those things. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: This will be a good barometer of where the Saints are after sneakily sliding their way into the second-best record in the league. The Ravens have not looked especially impressive against the better teams in the league -- though it's worth noting that while they're 3-3 against teams in playoff contention, they've won all three by a combined 11 points AND lost the other three by a combined 11 point. Not sure what that means, but: statistics! Pick: Baltimore


Arizona at Carolina

Aaron: If the 1-12 Panthers were instead 0-13 everyone would be picking them to upset a mediocre Cardinals team here. Thankfully, the Panthers have their one face-saving win and "pride" left this franchise three or four quarterback changes ago. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Actually, the Panthers have quietly established a pretty successful running game over the last month or so, with Jonathan Stewart finally waking up and Mike Goodson proving to be a nice surprise. It was never going to be enough against teams like Atlanta and Baltimore, but at home against the Cards? It'll do. Pick: Carolina


Jacksonville at Indianapolis

Aaron: If the Colts lose, they could miss the playoffs for the first time since 2001. The Jaguars would then be in a position to win the AFC South and host a sure-to-be locally blacked out playoff game. The most prevalent position for picking the Colts is "Peyton Manning WON'T lose a must-win game at home in December". Keep right on believing that. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Look, at this point I've picked my horse. Plus, have the Jags beaten any good teams on the road this season? Answer: no. No they haven't. Pick: Indianapolis


Cleveland at Cincinnati

Aaron: It's becoming increasingly apparent that, like a horror movie monster, Bengals QB Carson Palmer cannot be killed. The current narrative is that he just needs a" change of scenery". When did the equivalent of "I just need some space" become an acceptable sports excuse? Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Ah, the annual Ugly Orange Battle for Ohio. Cleveland is legitimately the better team, but they certainly manage to play down (or up) to the level of their opponent. Not much further down than Cincinnati. Pick: Cleveland


Houston at Tennessee

Aaron: I've learned a valuable lesson from this NFL season -- that whole "pick the team that fields the best player" rationale is a load of hooey when Chris Johnson and the 2010 Tennessee Titans are involved. Bet accordingly, kids. Pick: Houston

Joe: As last week's game against the Ravens proved conclusively, the Texans will play just well enough to barely lose. Also, speaking as someone who rode Arian Foster to a regular season fantasy championship followed by a first-round playoff exit, I can say that if Houston had actually given him the ball to start off that drive in overtime, they may or may not have won, but they wouldn't have thrown that damned pick-six to lose it, that's for sure. Jerks. Pick: Tennessee


Detroit at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The Bucs beat bad teams. The Lions are bad. Got it. After this, though, Tampa Bay is home to Seattle and on the road against a Saints team that'll almost certainly be resting several starters.
Is an 11-win season within reason? Or, might this week be a trap game for the young Buccaneers? Maybe! Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Oh, no fair baiting me with that trap game nonsense. If you're in the mood for fantastical hooey, how about noting that just when it seemed like the Redskins were going to flout the "Bucs beat bad teams" wisdom, the football gods botched their extra point. Not THAT's some magical realism I can get behind! Pick: Tampa Bay


Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: Remember that scene in The Empire Strikes Back when C-3PO is blown apart and Chewbacca spends the next several scenes carrying the droid's assorted robotic body parts in a backpack? Welcome to your nightmarish cinematic analogy, Michael Vick. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: So when do Giants fans get to legitimately complain about being the overlooked Best Football Team in New York (That Plays in New Jersey)? It's now, right? Pick: NY Giants


Kansas City at St. Louis

Aaron: Yes, the Chiefs' quarterback situation is a choice between one guy who underwent a recent appendectomy and another whose incompetence is well-established. But, the Rams have beaten just one respectable team this year (San Diego in week six) and haven't faced anyone as desperate for a win as this Kansas City squad. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: Bizarrely enough, Cassel's random injury seems to have taken all the wind out of the Chiefs' sails. Meanwhile, St. Louis is still in prime position to win the Division 1-AA championship. Pick: St. Louis


Atlanta at Seattle

Aaron: The Falcons have held on to the NFC's unofficial "best team" title for longer than most others this season. If they were putting that title on the line here, the Seahawks would be...oh, let's see. They're better than Glass Joe of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out fame, but not nearly as imposing as Piston Honda. Let's split the difference and call 'em Von Kaiser. Cool? Pick: Atlanta

Joe: As a fan of Don Flamenco, I find your snub sickening. Pick: Atlanta


Denver at Oakland

Aaron: The news out of Oakland is that this game won't be on local TV since it's not a sellout. Not surprisingly, Raiders fans are getting bashed by the usual suspects: (1) media personalities who haven't paid to see a sporting event in years and (2) real football fans from all across the country who also aren't paying to see the Raiders on Sunday. Pick: Oakland

Joe: Well, really. Who is going to brave the sub-zero temperatures and the constant snowfall just so ... oh, 55 degrees? Well it's not like they've got anything to ... oh, two games out of first place in the division and they hold all the tie-breakers? Well, it's not like Raiders fans had all that great of a reputation to begin with. Pick: Oakland


N.Y. Jets at Pittsburgh

Aaron: While the recent play of the Jets has been breathlessly over-reported, has anyone noticed that the Steelers offense hasn't exactly been blowin' up scoreboards? They couldn't crack 20 against the Bills, they struggled against a tough Ravens defense and the godawful Bengals kept Pittsburgh out of the end zone all game. Prove America wrong, Mark Sanchez. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: I'd love for the Jets to pull it together as much as anybody (Rex Ryan is awful, but I've become attuned to petty, knee-jerk anti-New York sentiment when I hear it), but on the road in Pittsburgh has never been anybody's get-well prescription. Pick: Pittsburgh


Green Bay at New England

Aaron: The Packers defense will be up for the nationally-televised challenge, but without QB Aaron Rodgers at 100%, there's no way the Patriots lose at home. Knowing this, I won't have to waste my late Sunday afternoon/early evening rooting for a result that can't possibly happen. Pick: New England

Joe: Yeah, much like the rest of the NFL, I have decided to cede the rest of the regular season to the Patriots. They can't be beat! It's foolishness to even try! Best team of the millennium! Pick: New England


Chicago at Minnesota

Aaron: Well, the visual of an NFL game outdoors in Minnesota -- in December! -- should make for some novelty viewing. Kind of like those wintry nature videos. And, then BAM! Sarah Palin kills the caribou. Sorry, Vikings. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Let's everybody pause for a moment and think about how fortunate we are that the Favre injury has kept the sports media from trotting out Minnesota's weather-mandated displacement as yet another excuse for the Gunslinger's shortcomings. There's a cold-weather/tiny-penis joke in there somewhere, but we all know he's not worth it. Pick: Chicago

The Four Ph-our Horsemen?

Today Yesterday just so happened to be the four-year anniversary of my lightly-read blog.

Don't worry...this isn't another "thanks for reading" hostage video. I did, however, want to once again express my appreciation to everyone who takes time out of their day to check in with the never-ending adventures of Jalen, Mrs. Bootleg and me. I also want to thank y'all for tolerating the occasional post that you might not give a damn about.

This...is almost certainly one of those posts. Or, maybe it isn't. Either way, I won't be offended if you'd rather spend some time checking out my archives. I mean, there is FOUR YEARS of free material at your fingertips. Meanwhile, this post will attempt to bridge nearly a quarter-century. The subjects: baseball starting pitching and old school professional wrestling. Hey, I warned you.

It all began with m'man Sam -- one of my favorite TBG readers and committed Philadelphia sports fan. Since his beloved Phillies shocked the industry by signing the number one free agent on the market -- starting pitcher Cliff Lee -- Sam hasn't stopped smiling. In fact, he posted the following to my Twitter feed:

"I'm trying to decide if I like 'R2C2' or 'The Four Horsemen' better as the [Phillies'] new rotation nickname."

It took about R2C2 seconds for me to loathe the Star Wars play-on-words based on the first letter of the first names of the top four pitchers in Philadelphia's rotation (Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee). As for "The Four Horsemen"...this had potential. Via Twitter, I express my preference to Sam:

"You know which one I prefer. Someone stitch Halladay a Ric Flair robe/Phillies warm-up jacket immediately."

OK...for those of you who didn't heed my warning above, a brief history lesson: There were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who you all some of you might remember from the New Testament. There were the Four Horsemen of Notre Dame who comprised the backfield of the 1924 Fighting Irish. And, there were hip hop's Four Horsemen (Ras Kass, Kurupt, Killah Priest and Canibus) who released an album. Once.

There was a group of professional wrestlers in the mid-to-late 1980s who formed under the "Four Horseman" moniker. Quite frankly, this quartet is the closest match to the Philadelphia Phillies' foursome. After all, comparing Cole Hamels to "Famine" or "Death" is just mean and likening Cliff Lee to Kurupt or Killah Priest makes NO sense. Let's do this.

Roy Halladay -- Sam and I initially disagreed on this, but I will not budge. Roy Halladay is Ric Flair. The similarities are glaringly obvious. Like Flair, Halladay is recognized as the most accomplished athlete sports-entertainer in his field. He threw 42 more innings and seven more complete games than any other starting pitcher on the Phillies' staff. In pro wrestling parlance, Halladay is the embodiment of Broadway. While Halladay doesn't have Flair championship pedigree, his 2010 regular season perfect game and postseason no-hitter is just as shiny as any big gold belt.

Roy Oswalt -- Acquired at the trade deadline from the Houston Astros, maybe Oswalt is more "mercenary" than "enforcer", but the Arn Anderson comparison still stands. Oswalt went 7-1 with a 1.74 ERA down the stretch for the Phillies, but might be most remembered for coming in to pitch the ninth inning -- on the road, on two days rest -- in game four of the NLCS. Oswalt took the loss in front of a raucous San Francisco crowd, but for the single most intense moment of that series, the Phillies called on Oswalt. Yup, he's Arn.

Cole Hamels -- Honestly, this one's a lay-up. Check out any Tully Blanchard promo from 25 years ago and tell me it isn't "Cole Hamels v1.0". After Hamels was named World Series MVP in 2008, his face spent much of the next calendar year on my TV screen. Maybe he was selling authentic baseball apparel or showing off his Barbie doll wife, but Hamels is a worthy successor to the original World Television Champion. In fact, here's the lovely couple from WAY back in the day! Or is it?

Cliff Lee -- The newest member of the Horsemen, Cliff Lee is Barry Windham. Over the past few seasons, Lee has positioned himself to win a world championship. While he's pitched well in the spotlight and earned critical praise for his postseason performances, Lee has fallen short of the gold. His decision to sign with the Phillies this week was as surprising -- in storyline terms -- as Windham's defection to the Horsemen and, similarly, Lee joined at the expense of his relationship with a second-tier championship team.


Now, since Sam inspired this post, he should have the last word:

"We're in agreement that CC Sabathia is Dusty Rhodes, right?"