10 Thoughts on the Oakland A's – May 2009

Current Record: 19-29
May Record: 11-18
GB – AL West: 10 (Texas Rangers)
GB – AL Wildcard: 8.5 (Boston Red Sox)

(1) Last year, the A's 2008 campaign officially ended on July 13th when closer Huston Street crapped away a late lead against the first-place Angels. That kicked off a stretch in which the A's lost 29 of their next 38 games. In 2009, the A's were kind enough to wrap things up six weeks earlier. The first-place Rangers swept a doubleheader from Oakland on May 29, dropping the A's 10 games back. The next night, Texas won 14-1 as the A's packed it in around the 3rd inning and never looked back.

(2) Oakland acquired 2B Adam Kennedy from Tampa Bay in exchange for a minor leaguer on May 8. With starting 2B Mark Ellis on the 60-day DL (calf), Kennedy hit .441/.507/.644 in his first 15 games. Those fluke two weeks have sparked a ridiculous debate on A's blogs and message boards by those who say Ellis will have a hard time getting his job back and/or the A's should continue to play Kennedy as long as he wields a hot bat. Balderdash. Kennedy is 33 years old; he's been in decline at the plate since 2005; he's never hit LHPs and the clock is ticking. Let's hope he's still overachieving four weeks from now and is flipped to a contender when Ellis returns.

(3) Of all the infuriating managerial traits Bob Geren brings to the A's dugout every evening, his slow trigger on struggling starting pitchers is the most maddening. What makes it worse is that he's obviously trying to get his starters through five innings so they'll qualify for a "win". On May 1st, fat load Dana "Eatin'" Eveland took a 6-3 lead into the fifth inning. He then yielded a walk, a deep flyout, a home run, a hard lineout and a solid single. With his gas tank clearly empty and the score now 6-5, Geren left him in to surrender a two-run bomb before finally pulling him, now down 7-6. Two weeks later, Geren did the exact same thing with Dallas Braden in the fifth inning of a tied game.

(4) On May 18, back-up catcher Landon Powell injured his hamstring while running out of the batter's box in a blowout loss to Tampa Bay. It looked serious enough for the media – and casual idiot observers like me – to assume Powell was headed for the DL. But, no! The next day, Powell and the A's announced that it was just a "tweak". The truth? GM Billy Beane assembled a 40-man roster with only TWO catchers (Powell and starter Kurt Suzuki) on it. TWO! Beane would have to bump someone off the 40-man to put Powell on the DL. On a related note, here's Powell's first big league home run – hit a week after his "tweak" on May 24. Kirk Gibson had a steadier gait in the '88 World Series.

(5) In an attempt to stimulate ticket sales, the A's have embraced that staple of Minor League baseball…the postgame concert. American Idol winner Jordin Sparks will perform after the A's/Orioles game on June 6. And, speaking of "minor league", here's the commercial for the concert. I want to believe that the A's players involved simply didn't know the camera was rolling.

(6) The defining game of the month might end up as the one that encapsulates the season. On May 18th against the Rays, A's starter Sean Gallagher was staked to a 1-0 lead starting the bottom of the first. What followed next was a gutless, embarrassing performance that rightfully earned Gallagher a ticket back to Triple-A. In one inning, he gave up six runs in the inning on TWO HITS, two walks, a hit-by-pitch and – the highlight reel moment – a pitch that Gallagher lost control of, nailing his own crossed-up catcher square in the collar bone.

(7) The A's need to immediately start auditioning hitters for 2010, but any real youth movement is currently blocked by several old and/or ineffective corpses in the lineup. SS Orlando Cabrera (.224/.246/.294 in May) has already checked out, it seems. He goes to the plate looking to end each at bat as quickly as possible and has become sloppy and disinterested on defense. Bobby Crosby has a .399 OPS since May 13 and rubs salt in my eyes with his abominable defense at first and third base.

(8) LF Matt Holliday (.313/.450/.488 since May 5) is obviously the most attractive trading chip. Don't be surprised if Oakland aggressively attempts to move DH/RF Jack Cust, as well. Too many A's fans can't look past his strikeouts, ignoring both his power and innate ability to NOT make outs. But, since his breakout 2007 season, his OBP and SLG has steadily declined. He'll probably make $3.5 – $4.0M next year with a skill set that generally doesn't age well.

(9) I'm reluctant to invoke the concept of "chemistry", but this squad… I mean, a lot is made of "veteran leadership", but watching someone like Nomar Garciaparra – when he's not shuffling off to the disabled list twice in two months – carry himself as if the entire A's experience is beneath him just sticks in my craw.

(10) The lousy atmosphere has even turned Jason Giambi into a dead man walking. It's telling that Nick Swisher is getting all sorts of publicity with the Yankees for livening up the New York clubhouse with his unassuming goofball schtick. Giambi personified that gimmick during his first run in Oakland, before having his carefree spirit surgically removed in the Bronx. I'm pretty sure "Smiling Jason G" ain't coming back.

Thanks to That Mets Fan Guy for the inspiration…

TBG Eats: The Portobello Mushroom "Six-Dollar Burger" from Carl's Jr.

Current Weight: 165.6 lbs.

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ''I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here.'' The mushroom sits back and asks,''Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

I was a little late to the mushroom revolution.

It's weird, because I clearly remember seeing a blue, cellophane-wrapped bushel of mushrooms in our refrigerator all the time as a child, but I can't remember ever eating anything my mother made with mushrooms.

Not surprisingly, my first memorable mushroom experience was…in college. There was a pizza place about a mile from the dorms at San Diego State that served up large mushroom pies for $2.50/each after 10:00 PM on Wednesday nights. No topping(s) substitution, limit two per order, carry-out only.

Back in 1995, I thought this was the greatest food deal ever imagined. In 2009, I realize the line of customers that snaked around the block – openly drinking Natty Ice or Keystone Light from Solo cups – were being served surplus fungi that probably spoiled the week before.

A few years later, then-Girlfriend Bootleg and I went to a wedding where stuffed mushrooms were served. Garlic…butter…bread crumbs…crab meat. I wanted to pilfer the platter and do bad, bad things to it. Not long after that, we went to another wedding where – instead of steak (or any other meat, for that matter) – giant grilled Portobello mushroom caps were the main entrée.

That went over with the guests about as well as you'd imagine and I'm pretty sure I was the ONLY one there who actually enjoyed the meal.

So, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I missed the Portobello Mushroom Burger during its initial run at Carl's Jr. According to CJ's website, it's made with a "100% Black Angus beef patty, 'shrooms, two slices of [processed] Swiss cheese, red onion, lettuce, two slices of tomato and mayonnaise".

I like those things.

This burger was even featured in USA Today and received an honor in "product excellence" from something called Produce Business Magazine. Now, I'm not sure how much a relatively anonymous award like that is worth, but as a 2x "Music Zone Writer of the Year", I wouldn't be doing my job if I glossed over it.

I paid about $8.50 for the combo meal, which comes with the biggest "medium" sized fries known to man. CJ's fries are the single most-improved fast food item out there, so if it's been awhile since your last Carl's Jr. jaunt, get yourself a side and see what I mean.

My burger was served up babysitter-hot and the saucy mushrooms blended with the molten cheese to make for a gloriously gooey experience. The actual patty was rather dry, though, as the 'shrooms and cheese could only do so much. Portobellos usually have a deep, smoky taste, but this characteristic was really watered-down here.

I'm not sure CJ's could do much more to improve upon this very good, but not quite great burger. Any more mushrooms and you'd have to eat this with a spoon. Perhaps a little more mayo if the meat is always served up this chalky and anything topped with red onions will almost always be OK in my eyes. 870 calories, 53 grams of fat.

Grade: 3.5 (out of 5)

The Bill

Emergency Room: $302.00

911 Response: $997.09

Ambulance Mileage: $69.50 ($13.90/mile)

Oxygen: $10.00

TBG Drinks: Mighty Arrow

Brewed By: New Belgium Brewing
Brewed In: Fort Collins, Colorado
Type: American Pale Ale
ABV: 6.0%

What They Say: "Pale Ale provides lots of pleasurable sniffs from Amarillo and Cascade hops with a fetching honey malt base. This is our brewed tribute to 'Arrow', Kim's Aussie/Border Collie mix who ran (literally) New Belgium for 12 years. When she wasn't patrolling the brewery grounds, she was famous for her office visits: She never met a tummy rub she didn't like. Atta girl Arrow."

Website: I covered New Belgium's website in a previous review. I stand behind my four-month-old snark.

Why I Picked It: New Belgium makes Fat Tire beer and OMG I'm like Fat Tire's biggest fan. New Belgium is the brewing equivalent of 1999-2001 Nate Dogg. Back then, I could listen to ol' Nathaniel read from the phone book. He could do no wrong. Neither can New Belgium – uh, for the most part.

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Presentation (5): That's actually quite the poignant little label. The literal "arrow" imagery around the "entrance" is engaging, as are the earthy colors used around the edge. Is it enough for me to overlook the implied, rampant health code violations involving a dog running around a brewery? Sure, why not? 5

Originality (5): As usual, we turn to Google. "Pale ale" gets 2.2 million hits, while the narrower "American Pale Ale" checks in with 209,000. My unofficial research indicates this might be previously traveled beer territory. 1

Body (10): The attractive light-copper color poured with a surprising finger-and-a-half head and more lacing than the usual New Belgium brew. There's a moderate amount of carbonation here, which is even more pronounced with Mighty Arrow's generally thin mouthfeel. 7

Taste (10): The ever-present – but, never invasive – bitterness blends well with flavors of overripe citrus and spice. Perhaps a little too hoppy for some; there are definitely some hints of caramel and dried fruits that are quickly tamped down. This one's all kinds of refreshing and an ideal choice for our oppressive 80 degree, 30% humidity San Diego summers. 8

Efficiency (10): Even the casual, occasional beer drinker could quaff three or four of these in the blink of an eye. The relatively low ABV won't sneak up on anyone, unless we're talking about those oversized happy hour pours, though. It'll take some time to do some real damage with this one. 6

Versatility (10): Mighty Arrow is an exceptionally social beer that borrows characteristics from both the "light" and "strong" sides of the fence. Only the most established drinking lightweight or obnoxious beer snob would turn their nose at this. And, if you're looking for a surprisingly phenomenal food pairing, try it with Mrs. Bootleg's fresh tomato mozzarella and basil salad. We'll save you a plate. 9

Grade: 36 (out of 50) – Really good beer.

The above format has been lifted with permission from That Beer Snob Guy.

"Daddy Smells Like Six Beers..."

I know that there's a fairly large segment of my infinitesimal readership that hates all things "social networking". So, for the sake of some quick lunchtime blog fodder, here are some cross-pollinated pics of The Cam Fam. We went to a minor league baseball game on Sunday and the others are from J's recent preschool "Spring Sing" event. Bet'cha can't find the ones where I was drinking!

Things That Could Kill Me

Got a chance to use my "rescue inhaler" today!

Mrs. Bootleg convinced me to go shopping for a new dining room set. Our son, Jalen, had been up since 5:15 AM when he jumped on my scrawny chest and excitedly asked who won the A's/D'Backs game the night before. [TBG Note: Jalen takes A's losses harder than I ever did. The A's record is 15-25 as I type this. Earlier tonight, Oakland blew a 5-1 lead in the eighth inning and then lost the game in the 11th. It's still May. We might lose 100 games. Why don't parenting books address situations like this?]

As you might expect, Jalen – who never takes naps anymore – fell asleep on the 15-minute car ride. Since this was really Mrs. Bootleg's folly, she volunteered to make the initial pass through the show room and promised to send me photos from her cell phone of any sets that caught her eye. I was left in the SUV with the A/C running and Little Boy Bootleg passed out in the back seat.

This seemed like a good idea…until Mrs. Bootleg sent the first picture. I couldn't tell if the frame was black or brown, wood or metal. My texted follow-up questions on the first set were interrupted by a steady stream of more furniture photos from my inspired wife. I lifted my 45-pound sack-of-potatoes sleeping son and walked into the store, so that I could see everything for myself.

We were parked on the second level, so I had to carry the boy down a flight of stairs. I couldn't find my wife (or an elevator) on the first floor, so I scaled a different set of stairs to reach the store's second floor. Jalen was still not moving, save for his head which – like mine – makes up 80% of his weight. No Mrs. Bootleg, so back down the stairs to the first floor. Still with me? I'm breathing a wee bit heavy here and can feel the wheeze a'comin', so I make a break for the car – and UP the goddam stairs, again.

Crisis averted, with the help of my "nerd spray". Two pumps of Albuterol and I was cool in about two minutes. My own medical conclusion: separately, my son and several stairs don't appear to inhibit my health. However, like the various Joker-contaminated toiletries and beauty products in 1989's Batman movie, the two are lethal when combined.

Here now – courtesy of Mrs. Bootleg's independent research – are a few other items that could kill me, now that we've established my allergy to aspirin:

Over-the-counter medications: Alka-Seltzer, Anacin, Bufferin, Doan's, Dristan, Ecotrin, Excedrin, Goody's Headache Powder, Kaopectate, Norwich, Pamprin(!), Pepto-Bismol, Sine-Off, St. Joesph's and Thera-Flu.

Even better, there seems to be a consensus in the medical community that aspirin-related allergies almost always evolve into full-blown food allergies. For those of us who can't tolerate salicylates, here are the most common food offenders:

Fruits: Apples, avocados, blueberries, dates, kiwi fruit, peaches, raspberries, figs, grapes, plums, strawberries, cherries, grapefruit, and prunes.

Vegetables: Alfalfa, cauliflower, cucumbers, mushrooms, radishes, broad beans, eggplant, spinach, zucchini, broccoli, and hot peppers.

Herbs, spices, and condiments: Dry spices and powders, tomato pastes and sauces, vinegar, soy sauce, jams, and jellies.

Beverages: Coffee, wine, beer, orange juice, apple cider, regular and herbal tea, rum, and sherry.

Nuts: Pine nuts, peanuts, pistachios, and almonds.

Some candies: Peppermints, licorice, and mint-flavored gum and breath mints.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to set myself on fire.

People Say I Look Like…

Earlier this week, within the walls of the Unnamed Defense Contractor, one of our rumpled managers descended from the mountaintop in search of my co-worker (and cube neighbor), Austin. Unfortunately, Austin was out of the office, so this manager turned his attention towards me. More specifically, his bifocals were fixed on a picture of me (wearing sunglasses, an A's visor and "retro" Reggie Jackson caricature t-shirt) and my son.

Manager: "Do you golf?"
Me: "I'm the only person in San Diego who's never touched a golf club."

Manager: [Looking back at picture] "Y'know, I really admire him. All that money from Nike and Cadillac…he just seems so humble and genuine."
Me: "…"

It took a few seconds for it to sink in, before I realized this guy thought the picture of me was actually…Tiger Woods. This manager rambled on about Woods for awhile longer before leaving. Naturally, I didn't bother to correct him.

That was the first time anyone had linked my looks – intentionally or not – to Woods, which kind of surprises me. How long has he been Tiger Woods? Since 1996? Maybe '97? I got TWO Barack Obama comps from separate co-workers within a week of each other last summer.

Now, in this PC era, I have to tiptoe through this next sentence or two. Let's just say it's never other African-Americans who are making these awkward, almost always inaccurate comparisons. I never hear 'em from Hispanics, Asians, Samoans, American Indians, Indian Indians or any other non-white ethnicity, either. So, umm…yeah.

But, don't get me wrong, white folk…it's great dinner conversation for us. While we were still dating, someone told Mrs. Bootleg she looked like this former child actress. Of course, she doesn't – hell, if anything, Williams' forehead is much more comparable to mine – but, we threw it on the pile and shared a laugh about it later.

Here now are actual "You know who you look like?" comparisons I've received over the years:

Warren G.: Sigh…15 years ago, I wouldn't have had to explain who the hell this is. You'll have to trust me when I say he was "kind of a big deal". Anyways, I got this one a lot while I was still living in Long Beach. Tell you the truth…in a certain light, I could kind of see this. I'm a little lighter (natch), but we've both got that "less than Afrocentric" nose thing going with almond-shaped eyes that are too goddam far apart.

Kevin Johnson: I think we can all agree that KJ is not an attractive man. So, what made this one hurt even worse was the fact that I've been hit with this comparison TWICE. I mean…he's hideous. I don't see it in the face, but I'll concede that he and I share the same "space alien" head: long and narrow down to our pointy chins, while the back of our domes grotesquely balloon out.

That Black guy on Walker, Texas Ranger: True story: I was at the airport for a business trip to Atlanta. An older gentleman walks right up to me and says I look like "That Black guy on Texas Ranger". I'd heard of the show, but never seen it. And, if you know me, my brain mistakenly defaulted to "That Black Guy on [the] Texas Rangers [baseball team]". I pretended I knew who he was talking about ("Well, I wish I was making HIS money! Hahaha!") and spent a week trying to figure which brutha on the '01 Rangers he was referring to. Darren Oliver? Pat Mahomes?