Escape from Toyota Terrace

On the heels of last week's HBO: Real Sports segment on soaring ticket prices for sporting events, The Bootleg Family decided to see how the other half lives at San Diego's Petco Park.

If you missed the TV piece, it was nothing that hardcore sports fans haven't heard before. Newsflash: the "little guy" is getting priced out of the best seats in the stadium, while more and more teams are using PSLs and other exclusive amenities to ensure a steady stream of revenue at the expense of the beer-swilling, hot dog-chomping working class.

Petco Park opened in 2004. It's a nice enough spot to watch a game, but the place can be eerily sterile at times. In fact, the nicest thing I can say about Petco Park is that it's still relatively new, which means clean bathrooms, uncluttered concourses and – sadly – none of the grimy charm of Qualcomm Stadium, where the Padres previously played.

Mrs. Bootleg and I went in with three other couples on a half-season ticket plan for the first two seasons of Petco Park and, since it's opened, I'd guess I've been to 40-50 games there. I've pretty much seen the Padres from every section in the place, save for one.

PETCO Park offers exclusive premium seating for those looking for something more. Cantilevered over the Field Level of PETCO Park - just 34 feet above the playing field - Toyota Terrace Level Seats put you lower and closer to the action than any club seating in Major League Baseball. This private level provides you with access to four distinct lounges. Toyota Terrace Level Seats combine exceptional location and sight lines with enhanced amenities and beautifully landscaped outdoor terraces with panoramic views of San Diego. This is the perfect setting to entertain clients, hang out with friends or be with family.

As an additional benefit, Toyota Terrace customers receive first right of refusal to purchase seats for non-baseball events at PETCO Park, such as concerts and international sporting events.

There is a one-time, up-front Founders Club membership fee ranging from $1000 to $2,500 per seat, depending on location. Your membership is transferable. - from the Padres' website.

It goes without saying that Toyota Terrace seats are the most expensive in the park, but last week saw the lunar alignment of planet "eBay" with planet "Padres suck ass this year" with my wallet. For $60, I bought four Toyota Terrace Infield seats (section 206, row 7) for last Saturday night's Padres/Rockies tilt.

Mrs. Bootleg, the boy and I reached the escalator to our section where an aged attendant meticulously scanned each of our tickets with an intense eye – his good one, I gather. Upon reaching the second level, I couldn't get over…well, everything. I attended a game at the Washington Nationals' new ballpark in its first full month of operation and Toyota Terrace was cleaner from wall-to-wall. In fact, before the game, I saw a custodian clean up a spilled soft drink from underneath someone's seat.

All along the concourse, we couldn't walk 50 feet without a Wal-Mart ballpark greeter flashing an insincere smile in our direction and asking how we were doing. We settled in to our seats right before game time. Immediately after Padres SP Josh Geer tossed the first pitch of his Major League career, the quartet of beautiful douchery in front of us took turns posing for pictures with the field below as the backdrop.

An inning later, Mrs. Bootleg took advantage of the in-seat food service and ordered an $8.00 nachos platter. It came quickly, but the wife shared my shock at the neatly segregated chips, cheese, chili, sour cream, guacamole and jalapeños encased within a plastic coffin. That she shamed me into tipping the 360 lb. sweaty load who brought them to her only made matters worse.

Strictly on principle, I went in search of my own damn food. Also, our son wanted pizza which inexplicably wasn't on the in-seat menu.

I walked up the third base side of the Toyota Terrace level and found a stand that sold swordfish, among other non-pizza eats. I doubled back and came across a kiosk specializing in decadent desserts. I passed all of the "exclusive" lounges and restaurants, each of which featured glorified guards at their glass door entrances protecting the sea of empty seats within.

Finally, at the very end of the level on the first base side, I found a teeny little pizza place.

The rest of the game was just as antiseptic. We stayed for all nine innings and not once did either of us see a traditional vendor in our area. A dozen or so rows behind us, a couple of drunken interlopers starting heckling the Rockies. All around us, affluent fans turned their heads towards the commotion and disgustedly contorted their faces.

Now, Mrs. Bootleg is something of a snob herself, but even she was turned off by the white-collar ballpark experience. Unfortunately, Jalen inherited my uncomfortable obsession with the game, so he kept us there until the bitter, spotless end. With the Yankees, Mets, Jets/Giants and others in line for new digs soon, I can safely say – without a hint of hyperbole – the apocalypse is upon us.

TBG's Sounds of Summer: The Final Standings

Los Angeles Dodgers (Vin Scully): 34
Atlanta Braves (Jon Sciambi & Joe Simpson): 33
New York Yankees (Michael Kay & David Cone): 31
Texas Rangers (Josh Lewin & Tom Grieve): 30
San Francisco Giants (Duane Kuiper & Mike Krukow): 28.5

Minnesota Twins (Dick Bremer & Bert Blyleven): 28
Kansas City Royals (Ryan Lefebvre & Frank White): 25.5
San Diego Padres (Matt Vasgersian & Tony Gwynn): 25
New York Mets (G. Cohen, R. Darling & K. Hernandez): 24.5
St. Louis Cardinals (Dan McLaughlin & Al Hrabosky): 24

Arizona Diamondbacks (Daron Sutton & Mark Grace): 24
Chicago Cubs (Les Kasper & Bob Brenly): 24
Baltimore Orioles (Jim Hunter & Jim Palmer): 23.5
Boston Red Sox (Don Orsillo & Jerry Remy): 23.5
Washington Nationals (Bob Carpenter & Don Sutton): 23.5

Florida Marlins (Rich Waltz & Tommy Hutton): 22.5
Tampa Bay Rays (Dewayne Staats & Joe Magrane): 21.5
Seattle Mariners (D. Niehaus, D. Sims & M. Blowers): 20
Oakland A's: (Glen Kuiper & Ray Fosse): 19
Los Angeles Angels (Steve Physioc & Rex Hudler): 19

Milwaukee Brewers (Brian Anderson & Bill Schroeder): 18.5
Chicago White Sox (Ken Harrelson & Darrin Jackson): 18
Detroit Tigers (Mario Impemba & Rod Allen): 16.5
Toronto Blue Jays (Jaime Campbell & Rance Mulliniks): 13.5
Cincinnati Reds (George Grande & Chris Welsh): 13.5

Pittsburgh Pirates (Greg Brown & Steve Blass): 13
Colorado Rockies (Drew Goodman & George Frazier): 12.5
Cleveland Indians (Matt Underwood & Rick Manning): 9.5
Philadelphia Phillies (H. Kalas, T. McCarthy, G. Matthews & C. Wheeler): 7
Houston Astros (Bill Brown & Jim Deshaies): 5


One more sincere "thank you" from me to everyone who took the time to follow this feature. Over the last month, I've heard from longtime readers dating back to the Bootleg music column days and new readers who found TBG for the first time. I really appreciated the encouragement, kids.

And, I'd be remiss if I didn't single out my wife and son. This may not mean much to most of my readers, but Mrs. Bootleg let me out of TWO preschool-aged birthday parties in August so that I could work some of the above write-ups. Trust me on this: for most fathers, such a furlough is unheard of. Meanwhile, Jalen has perfected his mom's disdainful, dismissive "Are you writing for your blog?" query.

Looks like I'll have to go back to being at least a part-time father and husband.

Damn it.

TBG Eats: Taco Bell's New Volcano Taco

Current Weight: 173.0 lbs.

173 pounds?! How'd my Black ass lose close to 10 pounds in the last month? Long story, actually, and one of many that was unfortunately shoved aside in favor of that 30-part, 30-day baseball feature "Sounds of…uh, Something".

Anyways, it had been several weeks since I last patronized Taco Bell. I hadn't seen any new menu items recently advertised, so I was straining to read the drive-thru menu from four cars back. "Does that say…'Volcano'?", my thought balloon read. Indeed it did. Would this be the death of my diet? Nah…more like a trial separation from sensible eating.

The Volcano Taco is actually quite the fast food marketing coup. It's really just a regular crunchy taco with a red corn shell and something called "cheesy lava sauce". But, don't ever underestimate the power of packaging, kids. Along with a worthless degree, that's one of the few things I took away from my myriad of marketing classes at San Diego State.

Perhaps I'm heaping faint praise here, but the bright red Volcano Taco looks good compared to the original – even if there's no discernable difference in taste between the two shells. The "lava sauce" is surprisingly peppery with a bit more kick than you'd expect from Americanized Mexican fare. The usual ground beef, lettuce and cheese round it out.

At only 89 cents, the Volcano Taco is the latest addition to TB's value menu and, personally, a damn fine apology to me for the chain's removal of the Grande Soft Taco from the cheap eats section a few months back.

Grade: 5 (out of 5)

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Chicago Cubs

Game: Chicago Cubs at Pittsburgh Pirates
Date: August 27
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Len Kasper
Color Commentator: Bob Brenly

Twenty years ago, the sports hype machine was still a work in progress. Take the 1989 Chicago Cubs, for instance. Despite featuring established All-Star talent like OF Andre Dawson and 2B Ryne Sandberg, the spotlight arguably shone just as bright for future journeymen OFs Jerome Walton and Dwight Smith. Back then, baseball celebrity began and ended with the baseball card industry. I'm serious, people. Smith and (especially) Walton were exciting rookies who were both tremendously flawed. But, in the agate type on the back of bubblegum cards, both were superstars. A year or so later, "greatness" would be determined by superficial sound bites and highlights on ESPN's Sportscenter. The end.

Chemistry: Brenly has a tremendous presence on the microphone – proving his underappreciated work on FOX was no fluke – and in an odd, but entertaining way, he's the only color analyst I've listened to that can dictate the pace of a broadcast. Kasper is perfectly competent calling balls, strikes, hits and outs, but he gladly cedes the microphone to Brenly for detailed explanation on even the most mundane plays. Critics might complain that Brenly talks too much, but he manages to cram a lot of insight within his words, so it's not like he's mimicking Tim McCarver. Around the fifth or sixth inning, Kasper was discussing Carlos Lee's fractured finger (in relation to the Cubs' September schedule) and, in the same breath, called it "a break" for the Cubs. That neither man picked up on the unintentional pun was only mildly disappointing. Grade: 7.5/10

Knowledge: In the top of the first, Brenly immediately recognized that Ryan Theriot's had tweaked his swing in an attempt to hit to the right side and move the runner over. One pitch later, that's just what he did. Brenly later explained how a weak ground ball turned into a single due to the second baseman cheating up the middle "by half a step or so". Seriously, you can count the number of color guys who'd make this point on one hand. Random other things I learned from Brenly: (1) how the third base coach positions himself for a runner on first base, second base or both (2) when it's too early to leave third base on a squeeze play and (3) why hitters should bunt the ball at the end of the bat. Kasper, umm…looked razor-sharp in his Comcast golf shirt. Grade: 7.5/10

Enthusiasm: In a lightning fast 2-0 win, Kasper and Brenly were seemingly calling one 1-2-3 inning after another. That said, if you've read this far, you can probably ascertain that Bob Brenly digs his gig and it comes through loud and clear with his cadence. Kasper might've been a little too worked up, though. He misread a flyball by Cubs OF Alfonso Soriano in the top of the first inning and then did it again in the bottom of the second on a ball he'd already conceded into the gap when Soriano casually caught it. Grade: 6/10

Bar Stool Q: As good as Brenly was, I wouldn't be doing my unpaid job here if I didn't mention that he compared Pirates OF Nyjer Morgan with Dodgers OF Juan Pierre – both in playing style and facial features. Yes, both Morgan and Pierre are phenomenally awful hitters who happen to be fast on the basepaths. But, facially? Here's Pierre. Here's Morgan. C'mon, Bob. As for Kasper, I suppose I'll need someone to show me around Chicago. Oh, and maybe he can explain the reasoning behind all this superfluous sh** on the hot dogs they serve there. Grade: 6/10

Camera/Production: In the top of the first, Comcast's picture went out in the middle of a replay. For what it's worth, the clip was run later that inning. From the fourth inning until the middle of the seventh, Brenly's microphone crackled with static intermittently – an annoyance that was never acknowledged by either announcer. And, I get that Cubs fans always show up for road games, but can some of you complain to Comcast about all the ugly ones getting on camera? Didn't Obama mention the "beautiful people" at Wrigley in his speech at the DNC this week? Well, he said it somewhere. Can't we get those folks on HD, instead? Grade: 3/10

Homerism: Anyone's who's heard Ron Santo on Cubs radio knows that Kasper and Brenly have a long way to go before they ascend to the throne of homerism. I haven't looked at the NL Rookie of the Year field, but I might be inclined to agree with Kasper's hometown nomination of Cubs catcher Geovany Soto. I cannot, however, get on board with Brenly's endorsement of Soto as an MVP candidate. Hey, you finally won one, Len. Also, Cubs OF Mark DeRosa was shaky all game long. He played a Freddy Sanchez single into a triple and froze up after a catch, which led to a Bucs runner advancing. Brenly and Kasper didn't say a word. Grade: -6

Commerciality: I'd never even heard of Jimmy John's before this game, but their gourmet sandwich delivery concept won me over in record time. Looks like I'll be adding to my nightly prayer list of eventual Southern California fast food franchises. Menard's, meanwhile, needs a crash course in desirable Cubs-related sweepstakes. Or, don't you want to be the Wrigley Field Groundskeeper for a Day? Livin' the dream.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who holds the single season home run record for the Pirates?" (My answer: Ralph Kiner; Correct answer: same) 13 for 25

Final Grade: 24

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Washington Nationals

Game: Colorado Rockies at Washington Nationals
Date: August 16
Network: Mid-Atlantic Sports Network (MASN)

Play-by-Play: Bob Carpenter
Color Commentator: Don Sutton
"She's a Handsome Woman": Debbi Taylor

The sad demise of the Montreal Expos and the despicable Washington DC stadium deal that hastened their relocation is one of the most surprisingly underreported stories in years. Major League Baseball's bloody hands have been wiped clean and blown dry with the windfall of funds that Commissioner Bud Selig and his cronies squeezed out of an area that sold its soul to be a part of a 30-team fraternity. Although I grew up in Southern California, I have a lot of fond memories of the Expos. There was the great NLCS against the Dodgers in 1981. All the 1989 card sets featuring a young Randy Johnson rocking that goofy, tri-color cap. OF Curtis Pride, who is 95% deaf, hitting a 7th inning game-tying double in late September 1993, with the 3rd base coach motioning for Pride to tip his hat to the standing ovation he couldn't hear. 1B Cliff Floyd's 3-run bomb off of the un-hittable 1994 version of Greg Maddux that signaled a new guard in the National League East. Les Expos sont là.

Chemistry: Carpenter is quick to agree with every point Sutton makes, challenging nothing, while Sutton leans hard on his "back in MY day" resume to add gravitas to his commentary. The highlight of the evening was listening to the two of them simply eviscerate unsigned Nationals first round draft pick Aaron Crow. Throughout the entire fifth inning, Sutton and Carpenter (even Debbi Taylor got in on the discussion) assured viewers that Crow had made a mistake as he would've "started at Double-A" and been "a probable September [2008] call-up". Someone must've got in their ears, because with 2 outs in the bottom of the fifth, everyone fell over themselves to take turns wishing Crow "well in his future endeavors". Grade: 7.5/10

Knowledge: Sutton admired Nats SP John Lannan's fewer hits-than-innings pitched totals, while ignoring the kid's mediocre 87 strikeouts to 50 walks ratio. A half-inning later, Sutton made a half-hearted attempt to blast Rockies SP Livan Hernandez's reputation as an "innings eater" (paraphrased, his point was "what good is that if his innings aren't any good?") but, seemed like he didn't want to offend Livan. Later in the game, Sutton actually took a stab at explaining the "play the game the right way" cliché. His rambling dissertation included: the importance of the name on the front of the jersey rather than the back; showing up between five minutes and one hour early for extra work and sacrificing ones home run swing to get the run in from third. Mystery solved, then. Grade: 5.5/10

Enthusiasm: Carpenter is an old pro and while his delivery is a bit stilted, he does an OK job of getting the disinterested fanbase invested in a game. Sutton, on the other hand, cribs from Tim McCarver's contrived approach to commentary. Sutton actually fixed his mouth to say, in a pretend deadpan delivery, "Ho hum. Another highlight reel play for Willie Harris." Later, as Lannan was getting torched by the Rockies' bats, Sutton combined Nats pitching coach Randy St. Claire with a biblical tale involving Job and "the patience of…St. Clare". Hard to believe he waited until August to drop that gem, no? Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Sutton saw a lot of good baseball during his years calling the Atlanta Braves on TBS. When my A's were suffering through their mid-90s malaise, I watched a lot of Braves games. I'd love to hear Sutton's tales on David Justice's conquest of Halle Berry and the early recording sessions of Deion Sanders' Must Be The Money CD. Carpenter would, of course, be invited to drink with us. After a season like this, he's probably got shots of rotgut aligned alongside his microphone. Grade: 6.5/10

Camera/Production: Thanks to a well-miked field and an absolutely deserted sea of seats behind home plate, umpire Hunter Wendelstedt's calls came through crystal clear. Did you know he even adds things like, "That was outside!" to his calls? Me, neither. Huzzah, empty seats! A replay of the double play that ended the bottom of the first inning wasn't shown until the bottom of the 2nd inning. When a right-handed hitter stepped to the plate, the low-angle camera would catch the Ben's Chili Bowl stand over the hitter's shoulder. Mrs. Bootleg tired of my "hey, I ate there!" line by the third inning. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Sutton had some fun at the expense of Rockies OF Willy Taveras. He correctly shredded the kid's resume as a leadoff hitter, then openly mocked Taveras' "big boy swings" at the plate. Entertaining, yes, but there's no way he's that condescending to the home team. Carpenter and Sutton were pretty even-handed with Nats 2B Emilio Bonafacio. They got on him for a first inning error, but later Sutton said he had the best range of any second baseman in the league. Let's assume that Diamondbacks broadcasts come on too late for Sutton to watch. Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: So, what was the single greatest in-game promo I've heard all year? Well, listening to Carpenter read a spot hyping the move of WWE Smackdown to a new local channel is the current leader in the clubhouse. "Triple H, Edge, The Undertaker…" MASN sent Taylor to the ballpark's "Playstation Pavilion" to interview an 8-year-old playing Guitar, uh…Something. Yep, that was the whole segment. And, the MASN Fantasy Camp spots continued with this one being my personal favorite. Titmouse. Continuing this immature angle, your August 26 giveaway Ryan Zimmerman T-shirts are brought to you by Nick's Sausage. Yuck.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Which two players have the most 30+ home run seasons with the Rockies?" (My answer: Todd Helton/Larry Walker; Correct answer: Todd Helton/Vinny Castilla) 12 for 24

Final Grade: 23

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Atlanta Braves

Game: San Francisco Giants at Atlanta Braves
Date: August 18
Network: SportsSouth

Play-by-Play: Jon Sciambi
Color Commentator: Joe Simpson

In last month's introduction to this silly little feature, I mentioned the handful of ways I enjoyed A's baseball – during my dateless youth – before the advent of the 24/7 sports cycle. Of course, there was other baseball to watch back then and most of it came from Superstation (W)TBS. Skip Caray's nasal hysteria served as the soundtrack for Sid Bream's 16.6-second 60-yard dash from 2nd base in 1992 and the Braves eventual World Championship clincher in 1995, but I'll remember him most for all those seasons when the Braves were at their most execrable. I'd love to hear the bespectacled curmudgeon – just one more time – utter the words "Boever the Saver" or hype the hell out of hot prospect Brad Komminsk or call the game-tying home run from reliever Rick Camp in the bottom of the 18th in a July 4th (by then, July 5th) game. Godspeed, yo.

Chemistry: This was a sparsely-attended Monday day game (official attendance: 18,113…actual: about half that) between two also-rans and I couldn't turn away. Sciambi's got a strong mic presence with just enough snark to keep things interesting, while Simpson is quick with analysis and able to keep up with his more flamboyant partner. Giants SP Barry Zito had his stirrups on backwards, so Sciambi (awesomely mocking a few condescending broadcasters I've heard) lectured the kids in the audience on how to wear them. Sciambi chided Simpson for briefly confusing Giants 3B coach Tim Flannery with a Giants runner trying to score. Later, while knee-deep in a cesspool of insincerity, the two derisively celebrated Shea Stadium's final season. Grade: 9.5/10

Knowledge: Has Simpson always been this good? My earlier memories of him are lost in that overcrowded TBS broadcast rotation of Caray, Don Sutton and Pete van Wieren. His breakdown of Giants OF Fred Lewis properly positioning himself to throw to third base after a catch was terrific. Earlier, Braves OF Omar Infante forgot the number of outs after a sacrifice fly, but Simpson correctly pointed out that Infante had no chance to nail the runner at home. Surprisingly, both Simpson and Sciambi had insight into slowing the hitters' approach vs. hard-throwers, while Sciambi – in a discussion of Zito – mentioned the A's series of first round playoff failures this decade without once using the words "bunt" or "Moneyball". I'm shocked, too. Grade: 9/10

Enthusiasm: In a 5-0 Braves loss, Sciambi and Simpson had to find ways to entertain themselves. Normally, I'm sickened by broadcasters who attempt to answer their own trivia question, but these two were so endearingly over-the-top in their "celebration" when they got it right (including an on-camera "facial" hand-taunt from Simpson) that I'll let it slide. Later in the game, Simpson verbally accosted a Turner Field security guard for "clotheslining" a fan who fell over the rail while reaching for a foul ball. But, I thought the (pretend) police were our friends? Oh, why didn't the world listen to N.W.A. twenty years ago? Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: During the sixth inning, Sciambi and Simpson spent several minutes discussing who would win in a fight between umpires Tim McClelland and Ted Barrett. The conversation included a tale of the tape and some insightful commentary ("If McClelland is as slow to throw a punch as he is to call a strike, Barrett will knock him out in three punches"…paraphrased, but you get the idea). This all ended with an acknowledgement that they'd inadvertently left Fat Joe West out of the discussion. I'm buyin', guys. Grade: 10/10

Camera/Production: Two moments stand out for me… (1) SS Yunel Escobar managed to break his bat while pounding dirt out of his spikes. Although the cameras missed it the first time, a replay was instantly queued up followed by a close-up of Escobar reacting to some merciless razzing from the Braves' bench. (2) Coming back from a commercial, a shot of an infant being placed on its back in advance of a diaper change was shown, leading to the line of the day from Sciambi: "Boy, I'm glad we didn't stay with that." Grade: 6/10

Homerism: And, things were going so well. Braves' SP Jorge Campillo has had a pretty good season. Sciambi and Simpson, however, made him sound like a Mexican Juan Marichal before the game (then, in the first inning, Campillo gave up three singles, a triple and a hit batter). Later in the game, Simpson blasphemed blurted out, "God…" to express frustration after the Braves lined into a double play. Pretty sure that didn't play well over the airwaves down there. Grade: -8.5

Commerciality: SportSouth ran a truncated version of this music video about a half dozen times during the game. The short version included clips from the Braves' pre-game show featuring analysts (and former Braves) Ron Gant and Brian Jordan. Mrs. Bootleg's panties still moisten at the mere mention of their names. Throughout the month of September, SportSouth is running In My Own Words: Bobby Cox. How many of those words will be about this? Checkers has a 2 for $3 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich deal…then, they ruin it all by topping them with ranch instead of blue cheese dressing. That's why we have no respect for the South. Well, these guys don't help, either. Also, this airtran.com spot = all kinds of awesome.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Mark Kotsay is one of five Golden Spikes winners to play for the Braves. Name the other four." (My answer: Mike Kelly and…nothing; Correct answer: Kelly, J.D. Drew, Oddibe McDowell and Bob Horner) I'm awarding myself TWO full points since I named the single most obscure player of the lot. C'mon…have you guys ever heard of Kelly OR the Golden Spikes award? Exactly. 12 for 23

Final Grade: 33

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Colorado Rockies

Game: Cincinnati Reds at Colorado Rockies
Date: August 23
Network: FSN-Rocky Mountain

Play-by-Play: Drew Goodman
Color Commentator: George Frazier
Greater Colorado Payback Sideline Reporter (Yes, he's sponsored): Marc Stout

The Rockies' first regular season game came on April 5, 1993. And, while their opening day lineup is a trivia question unto itself (Joe Girardi was their Opening Day catcher?) the fact that they played the Mets – the 1993 Mets – is what makes this game all the more fascinating. I mean, I know I should be writing about Dante Bichette and Andres Galarraga and David Nied, but I can't turn away from Vince Coleman, Bobby Bonilla and Doc Gooden. Let's split the difference and talk about former Met and '93 Rockie ("Rocky?") Daryl Boston. In their enjoyably mean-spirited and one-sided The Worst Team Money Could Buy, Bob Klapisch & John Harper wrote Boston had the style and grace of a star…at least after the final out. What an epitaph!

Chemistry: Frazier sounds little bit like former ESPN, current XM Radio/Orioles personality Buck Martinez and is surely the cheesiest, most irritating voice a lot of you have never heard. He and Goodman are cut from the exact same corporate cloth – they wear their hard-earned National League Championship rings on camera during the pre-game segment – and therefore OWN this category. The pace of the game was glacial at times, which allowed for Goodman to get a few good shots off. Goodman was lamenting the traffic and secret service teams in town last weekend, when Frazier – in all seriousness – said, "Well, that's for the Democratic National Convention next week." Goodman's sarcastically barbed "thanks" in response was gold. Grade: 7/10

Knowledge: Did you know that Reds 3B Edwin Encarnacion has NOT been helped by the bandbox he plays his home game in? Just ignore his SLG pct. splits, because Goodman and Frazier used home/road batting average and…RBI to show how similarly he hits everywhere! Frazier also let us know that despite OF Matt Holliday's recent struggles, he was going to do well in this game because, in his words, Frazier's got "a feeling". However, one of my highlights of this feature came when Marc Stout COMPARED the "issues" that Reds SP Edinson Volquez overcame with those of the player he was traded for (Josh Hamilton). These "issues" included being told by Rangers' management to cut his hair and wear his uniform "the right way". I re-watched this segment three times to make sure Stout couldn't sue me. Grade: 1/10

Enthusiasm: Goodman and Frazier's love for OF Willy Taveras knows no bounds. Taveras stole a base early on and Frazier actually said that Taveras can anticipate where the throw will be and slide around it. Please. Their rah-rah schtick is probably needed in a town that primarily bleeds Broncos, uhh…whatever the hell their colors are this season (mauve?) Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: Nope. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: In the top of the first, the "Hyundai Cam" (similar to the X-Mo camera used on Angels and Dodgers broadcasts) showed a great replay of Rockies C Yorvit Torrealba getting a foul ball off his…uh, balls – complete with slow motion rippling of the flesh under his jersey. Ouch! In a nice touch on the "scouting report" graphic, a line for the starting pitcher's "out pitch" is included. Along the same lines, a really low-budget looking graphic showed "Where Will He Live" – a breakout of where the pitchers need to throw the ball in the strike zone. For some reason, there was real-time onscreen updating of Ian Stewart's post-All Star Break RBI total throughout the game. Grade: 6/10

Homerism: On a bang-bang play at third, Goodman called Reds 2B Brandon Phillips out before the umpire signaled him safe. This drew dramatic groans from both Goodman and Frazier. On the first two (obstructed) replays, the broadcasters only got more indignant. On the third replay, which clearly showed Phillips WAS safe, Goodman played the "well…it's hard to tell" card. Earlier in the game, a Rockies player was called safe at third when he was clearly out. Goodman just shrugged and said, "Well, if I have a call…I call him safe." Also, memo to both guys: OF Willy Taveras is not "amazing". In fact, he's the triple-f'ing antithesis of the word. Grade: -9.5

Commerciality: This can't be right. During a PSA for manager Clint Hurdle's Wins for Kids charity, Hurdle said that they've raised $90,000 this season. $90,000?! The Rockies have drawn 2,192,974 fans to Coors Field in 2008, which comes out to less than a nickel a fan…and that doesn't include the shut-ins. I'm donating $25 on payday, just so I can say I'm 500 times better than a Rockies fan. Coors Light pollutes the airwaves with their "most refreshing beer" nonsense. Sherbet is "refreshing" guys. Colorado's in-house ad campaign included this terrific spoof on last year's tainted entry into the playoffs.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who is the Rockies all-time leader in complete games?" (My answer: Jason Jennings; Correct answer: Pedro Astacio) 10 for 22

Final Grade: 12.5