The TBoGden Travel Diary – Part I

Saturday, December 27

10:00 AM - First order of business: Take our 18-year-old cat down the street for a lovely four-day, three-night stay at the neighborhood pet boarding facility. It's also home to his veterinarian, where we spent enough money in 2008 to qualify for a Christmas card from their office! Our cat's got a thyroid condition and arthritis. Pretty sure the next card we receive from them won't be so jovial.

10:45 AM - Mrs. Bootleg – the original Negro Elitist – opts for a driver and a Town Car to take us to the airport, instead of a shuttle or driving our damn selves. Our son Jalen is blown away to learn that the job of "airport driver" exists. He declares that this is the job he wants when he gets older. I wanted to be a public bus driver when I was four, because I thought they got to keep the fares. The moral: kids say such stupid things.

10:55 AM - The driver is having issues installing Jalen's car seat which earns him Mrs. Bootleg's silent contempt. He then compounds the problem by declaring the car seat is "in there good enough" when he finishes. My wife audibly exhales, all but shoves the driver aside and begins her 200-point/2 minute re-install and inspection. The boy is almost five years old and my wife has never let me put a car seat in.

11:00 AM - We're on the road and it appears we've landed us a "talky" driver. Here are a few things he covered on the 30 minute ride: gas prices, Christmas Day traffic, his noisy neighbors, why Mexicans can't drive(!) and tricked-out street racers. He also asked me, in all sincerity, if the Chargers were playing this (last) weekend. Mrs. Bootleg quietly reminds me that she included his tip when she pre-paid for the service. And, obviously, he knew this.

11:30 AM - We check three bags plus Jalen's car seat. Each checked bag is free, while the car seat is an additional…$50. Then, I tip the curbside attendant another $20 to ensure that our luggage actually gets to Utah. Unpatriotic Americans such as me have brought the U.S. automobile industry to its knees. How soon can we band together and eviscerate the airline industry?

11:45 AM - Oh, this is nice. I get lectured by three different security agents within the span of 30 seconds because I forgot to remove my laptop from of my carry-on bag prior to running it through the x-ray machine. Each one talks to me with one and two-syllable words in the same slow, deliberate method you would use to ask directions in a foreign country. "Where…is…the…mu-se-um?" "Next…time…take…it…out…of…the…bag!"

12:30 PM - It's the obligatory last bathroom break for the boy before we board. Sometime in his 4-plus years, my son's poops have morphed from "precious" to "noxious". This kid's sh*tting at a sixth grade level. I still have to accompany him to make sure no one tries to kidnap him, but I'm counting the days before he can defend himself from creepy predators.

1:00 PM - We take off from San Diego. I quietly pull out my PSP in anticipation of Jalen's two-hour nap. Current game: MLB – The Show. My create-a-player is due to test free agency for the first time at the end of the season and I'm killing the ball for the division-leading A's after being inexplicably sent down to Triple-A Sacramento after Spring Training. What?

1:10 PM - The boy's drifting…drifting…drif… He wants to watch a DVD? Damn it. I can't play while he's awake and distracting me in my virtual "contract year".

1:20 PM - In-cabin service includes complementary cinnamon cookies which would've scored a "500" on my "TBG Eats" scale. Sweet (but, not TOO sweet) and crisp, my licked and discarded wrapper claimed that the cookies are available for purchase online. Looks like Mrs. Bootleg will be trading up from her usual Valentine's Day box of See's!

1:30 PM - Jalen declares that he wants to go to sleep. Mrs. Bootleg thinks I'm crazy when I tell her that most airlines don't dole out pillows anymore. ("That's crazy. How can they NOT have pillows?") She is then told by the flight attendant that they don't dole out pillows anymore. She then looks at me knowing I will be reminding her of this exchange on every flight we take together for the rest of our lives.

1:45 PM - The boy remains in the realm of R.E.M. limbo. I'm reading him a story and Jalen sees a character with freckles. Incoherently, he wonders aloud why he doesn't have freckles which is followed by my clumsy ill-informed explanation. Without missing a beat, Jalen responds that he wished he were yellow so he could have freckles. White folk…I can't properly explain how funny this was. Black folk, Nick, Joe(NSFW!)…you know.

2:15 PM - I'm beginning to think he's not going to sleep.

2:30 PM - What the…? We've begun our initial descent into Salt Lake City? Now, Mrs. Bootleg and I have to keep Jalen awake so that a two-hour nap in the late afternoon doesn't screw up his sleeping pattern for the next four days. Parenting is a lot like pitching – assert yourself, change speeds and finish what you start. Hopefully, my wife has a reliever in mind when I eventually take myself out of the game in the late innings.

4:00 PM (Utah time) - Current temperature in Salt Lake City = 22 degrees. I'd briefly entertained the notion of wearing my throwback Rickey jersey with matching goofy A's elephant knit hat. Then, I see a true New England douche in the exact same ensemble repping the Red Sox. He's even got his own name on the back over the number 8. This confirms two points: (1) Black people just wear these things better and (2) I concede that I'm fast approaching the age when I can't even get away with wearing jerseys at games, anymore.

4:20 PM - Good thing I opted for "California cold weather casual", instead. We've got our bags and walk outside to meet my in-laws. Instantly, the rest of my body realizes it's 22 degrees. 22 degrees! My threadbare six-year-old jeans and long-sleeve SDSU shirt are doing NOTHING against these elements! Jeans and a long-sleeve t-shirt aren't enough?! That's all the cold-weather clothes I packed! That's all the cold-weather clothes I own!

Next: Dinner with the in-laws and the "Dread in the Bed" grudge match with my son!

I Know it's only January…

…but, this may be the greatest thing any of us will see all year. And, if you saw it last year I'd like to know why none of you told me about it. I'd write more, but I've got garage full of six-year-old unopened wedding gifts (A crème brulee torch? Really, Mrs. Bootleg?) to put into big-ass storage.

And, yes, I "get" it. That doesn't make it any less awesome.

Playoff Pickery - Wildcard Weekend

Last Week:
Aaron: 10-6 (0-1 vs. the spread)
Joe: 10-6 (1-0 vs. the spread)
Tom: 10-6 (0-1 vs. the spread)

Final Standings, Weekly Pickin':
Aaron: 165-90-1
Joe: 162-93-1
Tom: 148-107-1

Final Standings, Sure-Thing Suicide Spread:
Joe: 10-7
Tom: 8-8-1
Aaron: 6-11


I guess I should drop a few obnoxious taunts towards Joe and Tom, but it's hard to celebrate a third straight prognostication championship when either of my opponents could simply send me any Oakland Raiders-related link to shut me up. Also, against the spread - where the REAL money lies - I was "case-study in the evils of gambling" bad.

So, let's just agree it was a fun year for Tom's NY Giants; a fun September/first week of October for Joe's beloved Bills and that I had something to distract myself from hoping against hope that THIS is rock-bottom for my Raiders. Please?

It's playoff time, kids. We go all point spreads for here on out with a random guess at the score thrown in. Tom has incorporated our guesses alongside his own over/under predictions at his blog, which means at least 1 1/2 times the fun! (And, I'm taking the over on THAT!)

Atlanta Falcons (-1) at Arizona Cardinals

Joe: The big story this weekend is that all four road teams seem to be favored over the four home teams. It's not all going to pan out like we think it does, but I really don't think the momentum-free Cards have it in them, Matt Ryan's rookie QB jitters or not. Atlanta 31, Arizona 21

Aaron: Seeing how I finished with such an infinitesimal success percentage in our season-long single-game picks against the spread, I'll understand if you doubt my words here. That said, this is the most ridiculous free-money line of the playoffs. Bet early, bet often and thank my Black ass on Sunday. Atlanta 30, Arizona 10

Indianapolis Colts (-1) at San Diego Chargers

Joe: So, LaDanian Tomlinson looks like he's finally back in fighting shape, right? And don't sell me the line about Broncos' crappy defense -- LT played plenty of crappy Ds this season (including the Chiefs twice) and never looked half as good as he did Sunday night. Unfortunately, the Chargers' defense is for shit, and the Colts have got all cylinders firing. Indianapolis 41, San Diego 27

Aaron: Seems like we had this same scenario last year as the Colts were nine point favorites at home vs. the Chargers in last year's Divisional round, mostly off of Peyton Manning's reputation of awesome. I called the upset there and I'm calling it here. SD played Indy tough when they met in late November and I'm smelling big games from some Chargers players none of you have ever heard of. San Diego 33, Indianapolis 27

Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Miami Dolphins

Joe: So in the epic Flacco vs. Pennington battle, will Chad Pennington actually hold a competitive advantage because he's a veteran? God help me, I think he might. Miami 16, Baltimore 10

Aaron: The Ravens won by two touchdowns when these teams played earlier in the season. Even spotting Miami a flattened learning curve AND home field advantage, Flacco could completely crap the bed and still win a field goal fest if the Ravens defense just shows up. Baltimore 12, Miami 10

Philadelphia Eagles (-3) at Minnesota Vikings

Joe: Did you see that 44-6 pasting of hated divisional rival Dallas last week? With Andy Reid whooping it up on the sidelines and Eagles fans getting improbable visions back-to-back major sports titles dancing in their heads? Yeah, put that in the dictionary next to the term "blowing your wad." (It's a filthy dictionary, all right?) Minnesota 28, Philadelphia 23

Aaron: What's the word for people who take Tarvaris Jackson in a playoff game? Philadelphia 19, Minnesota 6

TBG (Finally) Sees: Iron Man

Worth the Wait? (Y/N): A very qualified "Y".

Three Things I Liked: (1) Robert Downey Jr's performance managed to live up to the hype and I'd still consider it a bit underrated. Dude nails the Tony Stark character that I read and remembered from the 1980s comic book run. (2) It's big n' loud and never takes itself too seriously – a flaw that resulted in me being the only man alive who didn't dig the X-Men trilogy. (3) The final scene at the press conference ("I am Iron Man!") was pitch-perfect.

Three Things I Didn't Like: (1) The entire supporting cast is terrible. Jeff Bridges' bald, squinty turn as Tony Stark's mentor (with a twist that's telegraphed from his first scene) is lazy and transparent. Gwyneth Paltrow sleepwalks through her lines as Stark's personal assistant – except when she's s-l-o-w-l-y running away from danger in her three-inch heels. And, Terrence Howard is ridiculously miscast as a military man/Stark confidant. (2) The climactic battle between Iron Man and, oy…"Iron Monger" is a laughable visual of "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots". (3) The pandering nods to the comic book fanboys ("Next time, baby!") annoyed the hell out of me.

TBG Eats: Burger King's New ANGRY Whopper

Current Weight: 165.8 lbs.

On the morning of December 31, I delicately stepped atop our electronic scale for the first time since Christmas Day. In the six days since December 25, I'd been on a steady diet of red meat, fried foods and a half-dozen "I'll eat better tomorrow" rationalizations at the end of each evening.

Much to my surprise, I'd more or less held on to my pre-holiday weight. As luck would have it, I'd scheduled a haircut for New Year's Eve AM. (I know, I know…but, I had to look good for my date with our LCD TV and the "Rocky" marathon on Versus that would ring in the New Year!) Anyways, while making my usual post-barbershop drive west on El Cajon Boulevard – admiring the brazen, broad-daylight depravity of high-noon hookers interspersed between the liquor stores and Hoover High School – an unusual sign caught my eye.

"Angry" Whopper? Did the Republican Party let their 15-year lease on that adjective lapse? If so, "real" America's loss is the rest of America's gain!

This latest BK gimmick includes pepper jack cheese, spicy fried onions, sliced jalapeños and a kickin' little "angry sauce" stacked high above the familiar flame-broiled piece o' King meat with lettuce, tomatoes and bacon.

My friends – in these tough economic times, it's my sincere hope that all of you can scrape together the $3.99 it'll take to show the Hamburger King that they must IMMEDIATELY lift the "for a limited time only" appellation and promote this glorious ode to gluttony to full-time menu status.

If I were some hack blogger looking for mainstream acceptance, yet too lazy to rise above trite soundbites, I'd say the Angry Whopper is the perfect combination of heat and meat, people. Everything – and, damn it, I mean everything – works here right down to the way mine exploded under the weight of all the pissed-off toppings by the end.

Oddly enough, I couldn't find much information about this bad boy online. It doesn't appear on Burger King's website, there's no self-important press release to announce the Angry Whopper to the world (as is common with pretty much every other menu item cranked out from every other fast food conglomerate) and the only commercial I could find is this one from Germany:



If the Angry Whopper ain't in your area, think of this post as the start of my grass-roots efforts to fill your bellies…with bad-ass! Y'know, on second thought, scratch that "perfect combination of heat and meat" line and go with the "bad-ass" soundbite, instead. If that doesn't get me noticed, nothing will.

Grade: 500 (out of 5)

UPDATE!

From m'man Smitty:

Did you know about the Burger King body spray cologne?

I did not know about this. In unrelated news, my birthday is March 30!

The TBoGden Travel Diary - Introduction

As our flight left Salt Lake City around 11:00 AM Tuesday morning, it was 28 degrees. The sky was sunny and clear for the first time in our entire stay. When our flight landed in San Diego 90 minutes later, it was 70 degrees. The sky was sunny and clear for the 350th time this year.

No, no…this isn't another one of those posts where I take Suge Knight's side in his never-ending beef on behalf of California against the other 49 states in the union. In fact, after four days with my in-laws in Ogden, Utah, I've learned that you cold-weather-in-winter states actually enhance some of the same things we have on the West Coast.

In no particular order:

NFL Games on TV: My old man was stationed in North Carolina for a few years in the early '80s and I'd forgotten how awesome the inverse relationship between outdoor temperature and late-season playoff intensity could be. We caught some of the wind-whipped first half of the Bills-Patriots game while a fresh layer of snow fell from Utah's smoke-colored sky above. Later, the nationally televised Chargers-Broncos debacle showed how easy it is to be one of San Diego's know-nothing, fair-weather fans when goddamn weather is always fair.

Mrs. Bootleg's Homemade Chili: A longtime favorite within The Cam Fam household, this is the first time I've ever enjoyed my usual three servings when the temperature actually called for a steaming bowl of something for dinner. And, let me tell you…after 10 minutes of frolicking in my in-law's front yard, I was ready for a hot, hearty meal! Now, I know what you're thinking: "10 minutes, Cam?" My response: "Shut up. It was f*****g cold outside."

Women Who Wear Knee-High Boots with Skirts: Here in California, this fashion combination is worn for entirely superficial reasons. We can all agree that it looks good, no? Well, when it dips into the high 10s/low 20s and women are still walking around in skirts/boots, I've gotta believe that their reasoning is even MORE superficial. For this, they should be applauded. They couldn't possibly be comfortable, but – God bless 'em – they're clearly favoring "fabulous" over frostbite. Work it, ladies!


Anyways, come on back over the next few days as my Utah Travel Diary is still being cobbled together. Highlights include my first time on a sled, the last time I ever share a bed with my son and a confrontation between mild-mannered me and the dog-carrying passenger sitting immediately behind me. Pretty sure Mrs. Bootleg has never been so embarrassed in her life. Good times!

TBG's 2008 NFL Pickin' - Week #17

Kansas City at Cincinnati
Aaron: If Chiefs coach Herm Edwards survives this season, he'll take his rightful place amongst the greatest can't-kill-'em Black horror movie villians of all time like Snoop Dogg's "Jimmy Bones", Eddie Murphy's "Vampire in Brooklyn" and the guy who played "Blackula". Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Don't forget Angela Bassett in "She-Hulk"! Pick: Kansas City

Oakland at Tampa Bay
Aaron: A Raiders win here over former Oakland coach Jon Gruden (currently #3 on Al Davis' irrational list of enemies - one spot above Pete Rozelle's soul) would somehow justify the embarrassment of '08 as "progress" in their mind. Come on, other team. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Can the Bucs win convincingly enough to fool people into betting on them in the Wild Card game? Pick: Tampa Bay

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Aaron: I'm guessing Brady Quinn had it coming, as most pretty boy quarterbacks named "Brady" DO, in fact, have it coming. It's science. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: The Steelers, meanwhile, remain steadfast in their status as the league's least confidence-inspiring Super Bowl contender. Pick: Pittsburgh

New England at Buffalo
Aaron: The Bills' win last week in Denver kept the Chargers alive while torpedoing the Broncos fading playoff hopes. Buffalo's ill-advised Toronto road trip positioned Chad Pennington for a possible AFC East title. This final weekend is going to be SO exciting! Thanks, Bills! Pick: New England

Joe: The Bills winning here and sticking it to the Patriots and their fans, who have finally regained their customary smugness, would be maybe the sweetest thing a non-playoff team has ever done. Which is why it'll never happen. Pick: New England

St. Louis at Atlanta
Aaron: I'm about 17 weeks late to the party, but Matt Ryan's "Matty Ice" nickname is the single worst nickname in the history of the world. It's the kind of name you'd give your guy in the "create-a-wrestler" feature of some WWE PS3 game. And, his finisher would be "the frozen rope" - kind of an old school lariat. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Dork. Pick: Atlanta

Chicago at Houston
Aaron: The previous three teams the Raiders have beaten this season have gone 2-1 in their very next game. You won't find stats like that anywhere, but here, gamblers. Pick: Houston

Joe: Seeing as I have become clinically incapable of picking a Texans game right this year, I'm going against my first, third, and fifth instincts. Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Indianapolis
Aaron: Couldn't help but notice the words "Vince Young will play" on the ESPN crawl a few days ago. Good enough for me. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Me too. Pick: Indianapolis

N.Y. Giants at Minnesota
Aaron: With the Giants resting up for the playoffs, this looks like one of those games where Adrian Peterson can pad his stats and raise his '09 Madden and fantasy rankings. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Not to mention Tarvaris Jackson gets another week to fool people into thinking he's a capable "caretaker" quarterback. Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at New Orleans
Aaron: Drew Brees should just give up his pipe dream of ever winning a Super Bowl with this Saints team. Dude could seriously leave the NFL, dig up a dozen or so Arena League receivers and barnstorm the country as the football Harlem Globetrotters. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: The proud highlight of my 2008 second-place fantasy football season? Waiving DeAngelo Williams after week 3. Good thing I was raised Catholic so I have no shortage of ideas for how I should best beat myself up for that one. Pick: Carolina

Detroit at Green Bay
Aaron: A Black president and an 0-16 team? In my lifetime? In the same year? Wonder if it'll be just as hard to buy a newspaper on December 29th. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: This has to go on that Great Moments in Sports Futility DVD, along with Pete Rose at Wrestlemania and Charlie Brown trying to kick that football. Pick: Green Bay

Seattle at Arizona
Aaron: Allow me to join the cacophony of voices who doubt that Arizona's novel concept of tanking the last two games of the regular season will be an effective way of building momentum into January. Pick: Seattle

Joe: It's still Arizona at home against a crappy team, though. Pick: Arizona

Dallas at Philadelphia
Aaron: Dammit, Redskins...THIS was supposed to be the game that exposed the ridiculous notion that Donovan McNabb's temporary benching had anything to do with his "resurgence." I was going to make nachos and everything! Pick: Dallas

Joe: Can we do a Top 10 Most Ridiculous Things About Donovan McNabb's Season list? I feel like it's just been one neverending parade of bullshit with that guy. Pick: Dallas

Miami at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: Late December games in The Meadowlands are the reason why Chad Pennington is playing in Miami. I'm beginning to think the last images of Brett Favre any of us will ever see involve a last-minute TD pass on Sunday. F*ck. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: No, the last image any of us will see of Brett Favre is the Brett-Favre-shaped cloud of dust in the middle of the field as he hastily announces his once-and-for-all retirement during the walking-off-the-field interview. Nothing like one season as a Jet to make you never want to play football again, for reals. Pick: NY Jets

Washington at San Francisco
Aaron: That whole "across three time zones" thing was something of a season-long punchline, but I can't imagine a worse trip for a non-playoff team on the final weekend than traveling across three...well, you know. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: And so here I am, with opportunities to gain ground on Cam dwindling, forced to pick the Redskins on the road against an inspired 49ers team. Sigh. Pick: Washington

Jacksonville at Baltimore
Aaron: I love Week #17 games in which Joe wouldn't dare pick differently than me. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Merry Christmas to you too, you merciless bastard. Pick: Baltimore

Denver at San Diego
Aaron: Win and they're in. That's all the Chargers have to do to make the playoffs. The thing is, though, that this is just the type of game the Chargers have lost this season. Half of their 8 losses came in the last minute or two, while most of the others were against teams they should've beaten. Everything points to a San Diego win, which makes this an easy call. Pick: Denver

Joe: That all sounds plausibly true. And yet ... revenge for the Ed Hochuli game is the X factor there. Plus, now that my fantasy season is over, LT is free to go off for four touchdowns. So, yes, it's very possible that the outcome of this pickin' season will rest on the Chargers game. Gulp. Pick: San Diego

The Sure-Thing Suicide Spread:

Aaron: Denver (+8) at San Diego
Joe: Oakland (+13) at Tampa Bay