Tuesday, December 15, 2009
TBG TV: FOX's Animation Domination – 12/13/2009
Sunday's Rankings (5-3-2-1 scoring)
(1) The Cleveland Show ("A Cleveland Brown Christmas") - First things first: the first nine episodes have been wildly uneven as this show still isn't sure what it wants to be. I would humbly suggest that it be…this. A 22-minute tour-de-force of riotously raunchy comedy, I watched it twice just so I could expose Mrs. Bootleg to lines like "…bushy in the front" and Rallo's "letter to Santa". The writers have aped the entire Family Guy formula (loosely tied mini-scenes and sequences in place of a real plot) but, damned if it didn't all click this week. And, the reindeer running gag – especially the climactic Santa scene – killed me.
(2) The Simpsons ("O Brother, Where Bart Thou?") - Those of you who abandoned this show over the past decade – and, really, I can't say I blame you – should hunt this episode down. Bart's dream sequence in which he longed for a baby brother – featuring The Smothers Brothers, The Smith Brothers (of ancient cough drop fame), The Super Mario Brothers and Peyton, Eli AND Cooper Manning was off-the-charts awesome. A terrific, heartfelt outing that indirectly highlighted the Lisa/Maggie sisterly dynamic, it could've claimed the top spot if it hadn't blatantly lifted Homer and Marge's "complicated sex" sequence from this.
(3) Family Guy ("Business Guy") - Loved some of the more subversive stuff (the "Lacey Chabert" line and the Billy Joel goof), but hated the unfunny low-hanging fruit (jokes/riffs on Bill Cosby and Scooby-Doo). And, isn't FOX's House already an unintentional parody of itself? Exhuming Hugh Laurie for a voiceover – and nonexistent laughs at his expense – didn't make much sense.
(4) American Dad! ("Rapture's Delight") - Yeah…see, here's the thing: With rare exception, most of these attempts to tweak the nose of organized religion don't work. The Simpsons found the right formula a few years ago with one or two episodes filled with twisted renditions of well-known Stories from the Bible ™. This episode's whole Mad Max meets Christ's second coming simply didn't do it for me – with the SOLE exception of the Antichrist/Riddler. HEE-larious.
MVP: Even though I made the mistake of watching this episode with Mrs. Bootleg, Bart Simpson's push for a kid brother was really well done. I could feel my wife making mental notes in preparation for another "why our son needs a sibling" debate.
Quote of the Night: "God pays twice as much attention on Christmas. Like the media whenever a white kid disappears." – Stan Smith (American Dad!)
Current Standings
The Cleveland Show – 29
The Simpsons – 27
American Dad! – 21
Family Guy – 21
Monday, December 14, 2009
Five Rules for Your Christmas Cards
As I sit here in the dining room of Stately Bootleg Manor -- home with a sick Jalen as he reasserts his position as "world's worst patient" -- non-violent children's programming is babysitting the boy, while I fish around for a Monday blog topic.
Our local PBS affiliate is airing Curious George. I've been meaning to write up reviews of J's preferred cartoons for years. The unintentional comedy is off the charts for my son's reactions to shows like Little Bill ("He looks like me!") and Handy Manny ("Why does he ALWAYS speak Spanish?!") I'll get around to it.
Our local FOX station is currently running their version of the morning news featuring resident weather-bunny, Chrissy Russo. Her choice of outfit for the morning is certainly TBG-worthy, but I already wrote about her earlier this year.
I turn my head from the right -- away from the TV hanging on our wall -- to the left and towards the Christmas cards hanging on one of our other walls. Hey, there's an idea! (And, for those of you who've asked, THAT'S how I come up with most of my blog topics. Now you know how the lightly-read sausage is made.)
With less than two weeks until Christmas, I can't wait another day. Here are five unsolicited suggestions for those of you who still haven't gotten around to sending out Christmas cards.
The Christmas Letter: "Dear friends of the Simpsons family. We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on." Near as I can tell, that was the last entertaining Christmas letter ever written. If you insist, though, I respectfully request you omit the phrases "grateful to be employed" and "in THIS economy" from this year's self-serving opus. If you're looking for tired 2009 clichés, just make this the front of your Christmas card and move on.
The Teenage Daughter(s) Card: Those of you with young daughters don't need me to reinforce this fact -- your girls will eventually grow up. Feature them on your Christmas cards at your own risk. A few years ago, my old boss sent us a card that featured his two girls (17 and 19-years-old, at the time) striking a playfully contrived pose in their kitchen. One of the girls was licking frosting off a wooden spoon, with the other leaning over to put cookies in the oven. Otherwise harmless, innocuous cards like this WILL find their way into the wrong hands which, in most cases, is at least 80% of your Christmas card list.
The Card that Introduces Your New Spouse: I've got a friend whom I've known for nearly 20 years. He married a phenomenal woman -- smart, supportive, funny and attractive. Unfortunately, we fell out of contact with this couple. They got new jobs, moved to the Bay Area and -- before you knew it -- we became those friends that only communicate via Christmas cards. Last week, I received their "family" card. In the span of 365 days, my friend has apparently divorced and remarried as his once-striking wife has been replaced by...well, someone that's not her. I mean, is REALLY not her (and, we'll leave it at that). Can we all agree that the responsibility for passing along new spousal information is on the man/woman with the new spouse? Christmas cards can't double as marriage announcements.
The Card Signed by Your Pet: Stop it. I'll grudgingly accept your Christmas card's insincere holiday wishes from the six-month-old child who cries whenever he/she is in the vicinity of the only African-American it knows. (And, believe me, those infant tears always cut me like a knife.) But, your cat and dog's name don't belong at the bottom of a Christmas card. On December 25, they'll be eating from the same can of entrails and licking themselves in the same nether regions as every other day of the year.
Christmas Card Politics: Late last week, word began circulating around the offices of the Unnamed Defense Contractor that the Bootleg Family Christmas card had begun appearing in the mailboxes of some of my co-workers. "Some" being the operative word. Mrs. Bootleg orders a finite amount of cards -- usually between 75-80 -- and unless someone has died or failed to send us a forwarding address, once you're on our Xmas card list it's impossible to come off -- or put new names on. This means that some of my relatively-new co-workers in the office won't be receiving a card from us. Nothing personal. This didn't stop two of my co-workers from approaching me directly and asking why I hadn't sent Christmas cards to them.
Turns out "Because my wife doesn't like you" didn't make things any less awkward.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
2009 NFL Pickery - Week #14
Last Week:
Tom: 11-5
Joe: 11-5
Aaron: 9-7
Season to Date:
Tom: 129-63
Joe: 128-64
Aaron: 122-70
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Aaron: Thursday's forecast in Cleveland calls for snow, high winds and temps in the teens. A rare blackout AND whiteout for those of us who don't get the NFL Network. Pick: Pittsburgh
Joe: Cleveland would seem to be the ideal venue for Pittsburgh to get well. But with that forecast you've so helpfully provided, Cam, I'd be awfully interested in Cleveland plus a point spread. Not enough to make a contrarian pick here a good idea, though. Pick: Pittsburgh
Green Bay at Chicago
Aaron: The sure-to-be-lousy conditions has me thinking the Bears could keep it close enough to win. Then, again, the Bears are even worse than the expected weather. Pick: Green Bay
Joe Reid: Actually, so many Murphy's Law type principles say the Bears could indeed win here. Road games within the division are upset-magnets, the Bears are now settling into "spoiler" mode for the rest of the season, and the Packers aren't quite good enough to be 9-4 yet. Pick: Chicago
New Orleans at Atlanta
Aaron: Another home 'dog that's poised to put up a fight. I'd pick the Falcons, too, if only their offense were 100% and the defense was allowed to use brass knucks and steel chairs. Pick: New Orleans
Joe Reid: The Falcons will be lucky to field a whole team come the end of this season. Pick: New Orleans
Detroit at Baltimore
Aaron: Baltimore had "The Wire" and "Homicide". Detroit had "Mr. Mom" and Gung Ho". Easy call here. Pick: Baltimore
Joe Reid: Let's all enjoy Daunte Culpepper for a week, before he wanders off into the cornfield to see where Shoeless Joe and the other guys go. Pick: Baltimore
Denver at Indianapolis
Aaron: With regards to squeaky clean sports icons, who are we left with? Peyton Manning and Derek Jeter? Who'll be Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year" in 2010? Who?! Pick: Indianapolis
Joe Reid: Your omission of 4-time Lady Byng Trophy-winner Pavel Datsyuk sickens me. Pick: Indianapolis
Seattle at Houston
Aaron: The Matt Schaub backlash amuses me. Do his critics remember that Schaub was the back-up to Mike Vick - 1/3 quarterback, 2/3 novelty act - in Atlanta? Pick: Houston
Joe Reid: Houston's commitment to near-.500 seasons year after year is positively Buffalo-esque. Pick: Houston
N.Y. Jets at Tampa Bay
Aaron: This won't amuse me as much as the way 2008 ended for the Jets, but it'll do. Pick: Tampa Bay
Joe Reid: Watching Kellen Clemens last week was like watching a ten-year-old girl sitting on her dad's lap in the car as he "lets her drive." Still, you figure that, given a week, the Jets can successfully plan to run all over the Bucs. Pick: NY Jets
Carolina at New England
Aaron: Can't get enough of the talking heads on ESPNESN (see what I did there?) proclaiming that the Pats "might be struggling", but "they're STILL in first place and STILL going to the playoffs". That makes it all better. Pick: New England
Joe Reid: If they win this week, count on Mark Schlereth chastising sports fans for counting the Pats out. YEAH! Pick: New England
Miami at Jacksonville
Aaron: As the tears streamed down Tim Tebow's face last weekend, I officially stopped caring about football in Florida for the season. I got what I wanted. Pick: Miami
Joe Reid: Here's how you can tell I haven't followed college football closely enough in the last four years: I have NO IDEA why everybody hates Tim Tebow. I mean, beyond all the winning. And I'm too embarrassed to ask. Pick: Miami
Buffalo at Kansas City
Aaron: Considering the current direction of both teams, I think it's safe to say the Chiefs "upset" of the Steelers three weeks ago didn't mean much. Pick: Buffalo
Joe Reid: Stupid Bills are on an upswing. But on the road, in Kansas City, has historically been their Waterloo. Those early-'90s blowout losses made gods of Christian Okoye and Barry Word, for shit's sake. Pick: Kansas City
Cincinnati at Minnesota
Aaron: With 14 weeks of hindsight, check the Bengals schedule and tell me how many very good teams they've beaten on their way to 9-3. Green Bay? Baltimore (twice)? None? Pick: Minnesota
Joe Reid: Not to continue to stick up for the Bengals, because I too think they're one-and-done in the playoffs, but by these standards (Green Bay is 8-4,
Baltimore 6-6), how many teams would count as "very good"? Four? Ruling out anyone who hasn't beaten the Colts or Saints or Vikes or the Chargers leaves a shallow pool indeed. Pick: Minnesota
St. Louis at Tennessee
Aaron: If there's any spillover from the current Vince Young overcompensatory lovefest, please forward it to Titans' RB Chris Johnson. He's been...pretty OK this season. Pick: Tennessee
Joe Reid: It's gonna be SUPER pretty OK after this week. Pick: Tennessee
Washington at Oakland
Aaron: 23-3, 38-0 and 24-7...those were the scores the following week after each of the Raiders' three wins this season. Pick: Washington
Joe Reid: Hey, gettin' closer! Pick: Oakland
San Diego at Dallas
Aaron: Don't pick Dallas in December, don't pick San Diego in January. They should print t-shirts with that on it. Pick: San Diego
Joe Reid: Chargers win this game in San Diego, not underneath the withering glare of Big Brother Scoreboard. Pick: Dallas
Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: A Giants win could leave the NFC East with three 8-5 teams. Which least flawed team will make the playoffs and lose in the first round? Only three more weeks to find out! Pick: NY Giants
Joe Reid: Good news, Philly fans! Brian Westbrook is close to returning to the field and ending his career any week now! Y'all can finish what you started with Eric Lindros. Pick: Philadelphia
Arizona at San Francisco
Aaron: I hope the Cards are wearing those snazzy all-red uniforms. I haven't gouged my own eyes out in awhile. Pick: Arizona
Joe Reid: Ooh, symmetry. This is another road game within the division, where the better team isn't quite good enough to go 9-4. And yet...can't do it. Pick: Arizona
Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)
Joe (33): COLTS (-7) over Broncos; Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS; Panthers (+13) over PATRIOTS
Aaron (31): Redskins (-1) over RAIDERS; Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS; VIKINGS (-6.5) over Bengals
Tom (25): Dolphins (+3) over JAGUARS; Bengals (+6.5) over VIKINGS; Jets (-4.5) over BUCS
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
TBG's Throwback: A Low Down Dirty Shame
During a three-week span in the fall of 1994, I was dumped by the same girl twice. After the first break-up, we kinda-sorta got back together. We went to see A Low Down Dirty Shame and, shortly thereafter, the second break-up occurred. Coincidence?
No f*****g way.
Now, this will come as a shock to those of you too young to remember, but there was a time when the Wayans surname was synonymous with cutting edge entertainment. FOX debuted the raucous sketch comedy In Living Color in 1990 and for a few years, Keenan Ivory Wayans was making money and winning Emmys.
Wayans walked away from the show in 1992 over numerous disputes with the network. I've often referred to the late '80s/early '90s as the entertainment industry's "Last Black Renaissance" and with its collapse, several African-American performers ended up overplaying their hand on vanity projects – relying heavily on loyalty from a
0:01 - Aaaaaand, we're off n' running with our first "Whatever Happened To" of the evening – the "walking off into the sunset" Caravan Pictures intro. I've always thought this music would be more appropriate to play over it.
0:01 - With the opening credits rolling, Shame (Wayans) flips through newspaper clippings of his accolades AND the failure that would kill his career as a police officer. Two things: (1) there's a shot of Shame looking at a picture of him posing with former Los Angeles mayor Tom Bradley. If there's another Negro that went from "nationally recognizable" to "anonymous" faster than the late Bradley, I'd like to meet him. (2) Who saves clippings of their highly-publicized f***-ups?
0:03 - Jada Pinkett – fresh off the extremely preachy last three seasons of A Different World - plays "Peaches", Shame's sassy (natch) sidekick. She's working undercover as a hotel housekeeper, which gives the film's writer/director (Wayans) a chance to drop in that urban comedy staple – the foul bowel movement. Never gets old, Black filmmakers…never gets old.
0:04 - Shame breaks up an illegal jewel ring. Guns blaze and a room full of bad guys can't hit one Black man hiding behind a wet bar. Meanwhile, I'm mesmerized by every villains' $59 double-breasted suit and Shame's dated Dionne Warwick/Psychic Friends Network reference. Warwick's wide nostrils got more comedic mileage than you might think.
0:09 - Shame escapes with the bad guys' loot by running across the tops of tables in the hotel's customer-filled restaurant – located somewhere between the hotel's second and 22nd floors. He then shoots out the window, blindly leaps from said window and crashes through the roof of his client's waiting limousine conveniently located a few miles below. An overtly armed Black man shooting with impunity in Los Angeles – less than two years after the riots – and he's not caught on ONE surveillance camera? I'll buy the lucky limo leap before I'll buy that.
0:13 - Charles S. Dutton is introduced as Shame's former partner on the police force who's graduated to DEA agent. Dutton and Wayans were Sunday night network neighbors for awhile as Dutton's Roc followed In Living Color. Dutton's delivery, demeanor and appearance have always reminded me a shaved Captain Caveman.
0:16 - Here is DEA Agent Rothmiller explaining to Shame how his archenemy has managed to elude capture: "What if he's NOT dead? What if he changed his face and laid low for a couple of years?" This theory is still only slightly more implausible than the last seven seasons of Law & Order: SVU.
0:19 - Sexual tension is teased between Shame and Peaches with the script actually calling for Shame to say "We're from two different worlds." Even with Pinkett ramping up the vamp factor to 10, she's acting rings around the wooden Wayans, who looks like the most uncomfortable person in this film.
0:21 - Two more Wayans favorites: a handicap riff and a Gary Coleman gag. The jokes were old in 1994. Even Rowdy Roddy Piper would appreciate it if Keenan could freshen up the references a bit.
0:26 - Shame's threatening "I'mma be wrecking sh*t like a 7.0" line might one of my favorite things about this awful, awful movie. Mrs. Bootleg turned to me with an incredulous look on her face and said, "I've heard you use that before." G*ddam right I have. And, I will again.
0:28 - A Rodney King/Reginald Denny reference. I won't even link to them. You have no idea who these people are and neither do I.
0:31 - During a discussion of who is the greatest heavyweight fighter of all time – Shame: "Tyson? Mike Tyson?! Mike Tyson can't even SPELL 'Muhammad Ali'." Peaches: "Wait a minute…Muhammad Ali can't even spell 'Muhammad Ali'. Can't lie, I laughed.
0:33 - Jeers for the insulting, offensive over-the-top gay caricature, but cheers for the silk scarf around Peaches' head while she sleeps. This is what Black women do, y'all and Mrs. Bootleg was pleased with what she called the "authenticity" – a word synonymous with new-age Blaxploitation flicks like this.
0:34 - References to Arsenio Hall and Arsenio Hall's butt. See, both were kinda big back in the day.
0:37 - A mailman with a stone-cold, Soul-Glo jheri curl hits on Peaches. This was obviously before the world learned that jheri curls kill.
0:38 - Another Wayans tradition: putting the family's less-talented siblings on camera at every opportunity. Keenan's Sasquatch sister, Kim, has a bit part here. Before this film, it had been more than ten years since Kim's last cinematic appearance.
0:41 - It's the slow-motion introduction of the film's femme fatale, Angela – played by Salli Richardson. She even closes her eyes and tosses her hair around for us. That's some subtle-ass cinematography, Mr. Director. And, like any respectable Black woman would, Mrs. Bootleg immediately attacks, sneering in the actress' direction: "She had a long career."
0:46 - And, with lines like "You made me break ALL my rules" (stilted emphasis hers) it's easy to see why Richardson came crawling back to television. Lela Rochon, Theresa Randle…what was it with the mid-1990s and attractive Black women who couldn't act?
0:56 - Shame gets all serious n' sh**. He shaves his head, grabs a pair of sunglasses (At night?! Outrageous!) and slips into his midnight-blue trench coat – a color that was only slightly less threatening than the most dangerous shade of the era: teal.
1:00 - Mendoza – the lead villain, played by Venezuelan-born Andrew Divoff – actually says "cock-a-roashes" in a threatening and non-ironic fashion. Sixty minutes in and this movie's managed to offend every ethnicity and sexual orientation. You're slippin', Keenan Ivory.
1:05 - It's the ubiquitous "shootout at the club" scene. The best parts occur before the bullets as we're treated to a "sex on the beach" double-entendre and this song playing in the background. Couldn't land the rights to "Here Comes the Hotstepper"?
1:13 - Wait…the DEA agent is working for Mendoza! He kills the three feds tasked with protecting Peaches and, after a short chase, the 300-pound turncoat catches the 90-pound Peaches. She's literally the size of his left leg, but she still can't outrun him.
1:18 - Shame and Angela are interrupted in bed by a taunting phone call from the bad guys. When Shame learns they have Peaches, he forcefully rejects the advances of the half-naked woman under the sheets that he was five seconds from having sex with. "I gotta save Peaches!" Again, I paid to see this fifteen years ago.
1:19 - Angela: "Promise me you'll smoke his ass." Shame: "Like a muthaf*ckin' pack of Kools."
1:27 - An earlier plot point pays off as Shame fends off an attack by a pack of frothing dogs…through the music of James Brown. If my insanely long review leads to any of you renting this movie, just fast-forward through the dog scene. Trust me. It's as preposterously superfluous as the "Jeopardy!" sequence in White Men Can't Jump.
1:29 - The turncoat DEA agent has the diabolical Angela at gunpoint. She takes off her top in an attempt to seduce him, but he's not picking up what she's throwing down. Angela then pulls a .22 from her bra strap and kills the DEA agent. Hovering over his corpse, she hisses, "Stupid muthaf*cka. You could've had some p***y."
1:32 - Finally…after all this (in both cinematic and lightly-read blog review form) it's the final showdown between Shame and Mendoza. Their fist fight lasts less than 30 seconds…and, it's over. He's…taken into custody? Sure, there's a predictable little twist and another blink-and-you-missed-it fistfight between two other characters, but…that's it?
In hindsight, I should've took that girl to see Junior.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
TBG Eats: The NEW Southwestern Chicken Bowl from Jack in the Box
Current Weight: 166.4 lbs.
December marks the seventh anniversary of my internet writing debut. Throughout my long, winding road of CD reviews, weekly music news columns, infrequent sports features and this lightly-read blog, I've been known to reference The Simpsons once or twice.
Remember the 1998 episode that opened up with Homer chauffeuring his brood to a post-church, free sample brunch at "Eatie Gourmet's"? Homer famously proclaims "If it has a toothpick in it, it's free!" He then eats whatever he can impale with his thin, one-inch piece of wood.
The fast food "bowl" phenomenon can be similarly – and ignorantly – generalized. If I remember correctly, Jack in the Box was the first national burger-centric chain to roll out chicken bowls. I vividly remember the smell of surplus teriyaki sauce from a drum filling the back of the frozen yogurt shop I
And, if you ignored the grotesque sodium content in pretty much anything "teriyaki", I wouldn't argue the point.
Other fast food spots soon brought out their own bowls. But, while JitB's steak and chicken teriyaki bowls contained just 11 and six grams of fat, respectively, other restaurants' offerings were a bit more bad for you. Regional chain El Pollo Loco – a company whose entire business model is based on healthier eating – features a chicken Caesar salad bowl (22 grams of fat) and the "Ultimate Pollo Bowl" (1,047 calories, 34 grams of fat, 2,516 grams of sodium).
While the above nutritional information is readily available on El Pollo Loco's website and within their restaurants, the chain has wisely positioned these fat
All of which brings us back to Jack. And, yes, I have been trying to work in that transition for years, thank you. JitB unveiled their new Southwest Chicken Bowl last month with their usual offbeat 30-second spot. The first is kinda comical, but the last shot of the Black guy ruined it for me. Exaggerated afro humor in 2009? It wasn't funny in 1988.
Oddly enough, the Spanish version has a much better payoff:
JitB's Southwest Chicken Bowl is made with fajita-seasoned chicken, rice, beans, veggies and topped with shredded cheddar, salsa and cilantro-lime sauce. To the untrained eye, this might be one of the least appetizing fast food menu items in a long time. The milky-green cilantro-lime sauce was everywhere and the obviously artificial flavor was overwhelming.
The chicken sits on top of the rice. It's a round(!) skinless piece of meat with pre-cut indentations that don't quite go all the way through. I'm not a fan of having to do more work on my meal than the kitchen plebes who prepared it, but there I was cutting, stirring and mixing.
Within a few bites, I was staring down at a bowl where the only remaining residents were rice and beans – intensely flavored with fake lime. In a dynamic bit of synergy, it seems Jack in the Box's Southwestern Chicken Bowl ends as weakly as their commercial.
Grade: 2 (out of 5) Calories: 713, Fat: 19g
Monday, December 7, 2009
TBG (Finally) Eats: Sonic~!
Current Weight: 166.4 lbs.
Earlier this year – on April 6, to be exact – Sonic opened up a restaurant here in San Diego County. A few days after it opened – on April 11, to be exact – I readied my tongue for a taste of the Sonic Experience.
I finished up at my barbershop on a rainy Saturday morning and made the 10 mile drive into Santee. Sonic's main entrance was cordoned off but I could make out enough of the hand-scrawled, rain-washed sign to know that the temporary entrance was in the back.
With a single right turn, I was teleported into an amazingly accurate replica of the worst rush hour traffic imaginable.
A single line of cars stretched down this lonely side street as far as my eyes could see – and I've had LASIK, people. There was one poor Sonic-employed soul stationed at the entrance who was assigned the Herculean task of traffic control. I pulled up next to her, rolled my window down and before I could ask the question she'd surely been asked about a bazillion times to that point, she cheerfully told me, "The wait's about 45 minutes, but the line moves pretty fast!"
I made the mistake of spending a few precious seconds trying to wrap my mind around her statement, but was brought back to reality by the honking sound of several cars queued up behind me, eager to drive the length of the line – which formed on the opposite side of the street – to assume their place at the very, very end. I counted an even 50 cars, single file and idle, before I made like Starscream and retreated.
My fast food reviews are probably the most popular read here at TBG, but I wouldn't wait 45 minutes for a table in a restaurant with a bar and an HD big-screen. It sure as hell ain't happening within the confines of my four-door sedan and only the six listenable satellite radio stations at my disposal.
It took me 7 ½ months to make another attempt. Two weeks ago, I fully intended to hit 'em up, but my most recently-completed steroid regimen had turned my stomach into a square knot. So, almost eight months to the day they opened, I successfully added Sonic to the list of accomplices for my eventual angioplasty.
Even though, I knew what I wanted before I pulled in, I still admired the menu like an out-of-town rube touring Times Square.
I pushed the call button with a childlike anticipation and ordered the "number 12" – a SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito with tater tots and a coffee. Blasphemy? Perhaps, but isn't 11:30 AM a little early for lunch? My "cheeseburger window" was established in college (12 noon until 6:00 AM the following morning) with the only other remaining hours all about breakfast.
My meal came out in about three minutes. I opened the nondescript brown paper sack in much the same way Jalen will be opening much more colorful wrapping paper later this month. There was a small mountain of "medium" tots and the burrito – wrapped nice n' tight – was a decent size for a fast food chain.
The tater tots were OK – just barely lukewarm and surprisingly chewy. My lack of Sonic etiquette was obvious, though, as customers are apparently supposed to ask for ketchup while the car-hop is handing over your food. Once he's gone, you’re a** is without ketchup. The breakfast burrito – according to Sonic's website – is: a medley of savory sausage, scrambled egg, melty [sic] cheese, tater tots, diced onions, ripe tomatoes and spicy jalapeños all wrapped up in a warm flour tortilla.
Points for the tots (which were crispier than my side order) and the peppers, but the sausage had an odd, bitter aftertaste, the onions aren't sautéed and the "melty" cheese is actually a small slice of American. Absolutely edible, but not among the fast food chain breakfast burrito elite like Carl's Jr.'s Loaded Breakfast Burrito or any of Jack in the Box's offerings.
Sonic's coffee, however, was crazy good. Of course, I'm grading on a curve, but considering the loose stool that passes for java in some fast food restaurants, Sonic's strong, flavorful blend was the best thing about my meal.
There's a new Sonic that opened up much closer to Stately Bootleg Manor in late October, so I'll give it another go with my family in tow.
Just as long as there ain't no wait.
Grade – SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito: 2.5 (out of 5)
Calories: 570; Fat: 36 g
Sunday, December 6, 2009
2009 NFL Pickery - Week #13 (Thursday)
Last Week:
Aaron: 13-3
Joe: 11-5
Tom: 10-6
Season to Date:
Tom: 118-58
Joe: 117-59
Aaron: 113-63
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo
Aaron: Hey, it's a sure-to-be-sloppy game between two teams on short rest playing in front of an indifferent Thursday night crowd in Toronto. And, who the hell scheduled this one for the same night the NHL's Maple Leafs are on TV at the same time? Pick: NY Jets
Joe: Living in NYC gets me around the NFL Network blackout, but after the miserable experience of watching a terrible Bills team get a worthless win over a Jets team I stupidly picked in my suicide pool, making me actively hate my own football team for the first time ever, I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to this one. Additionally, I've gone 3-for-3 picking against Cam on these NFL Network Thursday games, which is about to make me do something stupid. Pick: Buffalo
Tampa Bay at Carolina
Aaron: Somewhere up in Heaven, Art Shell, Romeo Crennel and Ray Rhodes are looking down on Bucs head coach Raheem Morris and collectively exclaiming, "Damn, son." Pick: Carolina
Joe: Are the Bucs the fun bad team? The Browns are the bad bad team, the Chiefs are the kinda-dangerous bad team, the Raiders are the bad non-team, the Lions are the bad team with a glimmer of hope, and the Redskins are the bad team that could win ugly. We need a fun bad team. Help us out, Josh Freeman. Pick: Carolina
St. Louis at Chicago
Aaron: Since the start of October, the Bears have beaten just two teams: Detroit and Cleveland. Chicago's sporadic cavalcade of cupcake annihilation continues unabated. Pick: Chicago
Joe: Last chance, Bears offense. Pick: Chicago
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Aaron: Soooo...we're all just gonna give Vince Young the win here despite the fact he hasn't beaten ONE very good-to-great team since that rarely-mentioned, long-forgotten Rose Bowl game? Pick: Indianapolis
Joe: I let Cam take the Colts-loyalist mantle from me last week, to me detriment. Not again. Pick: Indianapolis
Philadelphia at Atlanta
Aaron: Michael Vick returns to Atlanta and America is supposed to care about the crowd's reaction. The same crowd that single-handedly crafted Vick's overrated reputation when he wasn't a felon. Yes, the opinion of that crowd is vital to the national Vick discourse. Pick: Atlanta
Joe: Vick is one Annual Donovan McNabb injury away from being the only name player on the field this week. Pick: Philadelphia
Oakland at Pittsburgh
Aaron: Ben Roethlisberger still isn't 100%, but he's starting for the Steelers here. Just how low can a QBs health be before the Raiders actually have a chance? Could Oakland win if Big Ben was only 50% healthy? 25%? Dead? Pick: Pittsburgh
Joe: Don't give those Raider fans/convicts any ideas. Pick: Pittsburgh
Detroit at Cincinnati
Aaron: If I had to pick one team most likely to lose a first round playoff game at home, it's the Bengals. Hope those "2009 AFC North Champions" t-shirts keep you warm this winter, Cincy. Pick: Cincinnati
Joe: Warmer than the threadbare Top 10 Draft Pick shirts you and I will be sporting. I'd kill for a first-round home playoff loss. Pick: Cincinnati
New Orleans at Washington
Aaron: Good to know that last Monday night's home win over an aging Patriots team that's woefully short on defense and missing its once fearsome mystique PROVES that the Saints are for real. Pick: New Orleans
Joe: ...Wow, really? Pick: New Orleans
New England at Miami
Aaron: Just how many eulogies will be written about the Pats this season? Isn't there some way the media can just consolidate the "Belichick has lost it; Brady's skittish in the pocket; the defense sucks" storylines into one column and be done with it? Pick: New England
Joe: After seven years of expertly choreographed fellatio on the Pats, their players, their coach, and their fan base, I can take an extended remix on their decline. Pick: New England
Houston at Jacksonville
Aaron: The Texans have been slammed all week for gagging away last week's big lead to the Colts. Deserved criticism, considering the Texans long legacy of excellence. A win over mediocre J'ville should fix everything. Pick: Houston
Joe: I'm not about to go back through the archives here or anything, but I bet I haven't gotten more than ten Jacksonville games right over three years. Pick: Houston
Denver at Kansas City
Aaron: One win at home over the Steelers and the Chiefs are "headed in the right direction"? In the last month, KC beat the Raiders by just six and was bludgeoned to death by the Chargers. Just sayin'. Pick: Denver
Joe: But I really WANT to pick a Chiefs upset! Pick: Kansas City
San Diego at Cleveland
Aaron: We're already starting to hear the same tired "no one will want to play the Chargers in the playoffs" refrain. Just gonna ignore the fact that their running game is abysmal and they're still coached by Norv Turner? OK, then. Pick: San Diego
Joe: I'm not even gonna say anything. Cam seems very certain of how this Chargers season will play out, and he has the advantage of irrationally hating them. Pick: San Diego
San Francisco at Seattle
Aaron: The 49ers still haven't lost a game within their division this season. "Small sample size", you say? "Meh", I retort. Pick: San Francisco
Joe: Looks like we're ready for this yo-yo Niners season to experience a yo. The second yo. The yo that means you lose. Pick: Seattle
Dallas at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: I gotta say...this NFC East hair-pulling slap-fight to the playoffs makes for some compelling TV. Thank God ESPN is here to breakdown the mediocrity minute-by-minute. Pick: NY Giants
Joe: Yeah, these teams are pretty much destined to knock each other around until one, maybe two limps into the playoffs. Pick: NY Giants
Minnesota at Arizona
Aaron: Kurt Warner...Matt Leinart...hard to believe Brett Favre might actually be the most likeable QB in the stadium on Sunday, but there ya go. Pick: Minnesota
Joe: Your anti-Christian, anti-handsome stance disgusts me. Pick: Arizona
Baltimore at Green Bay
Aaron: When Aaron Rodgers stops wetting himself in the face of a good defense, I'll pick him against a good defense. Pick: Baltimore
Joe: Aaron Rodgers has earned my enduring loyalty. That's all I'll say. Pick: Green Bay
Confidence Pickin' (with current scores)
Joe (33): Pats (-4) over DOLPHINS; Chargers (-13.5) over BROWNS; CHIEFS (+5) over Broncos
Aaron (30): FALCONS (+5.5) over Eagles; Chargers (-13.5) over BROWNS; Giants (+2.5) over Cowboys
Tom (24): Ravens (+3) over PACKERS; Saints (-9.5) over REDSKINS; Eagles (-5.5) over FALCONS
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