AiAA: Oscar Mayer Selects -- "Game Changer"

The below advertisement for Oscar Mayer Selects Angus Beef Franks contains TEN unanswerable questions that should've been addressed by someone within the marketing department.

How many can you find?

"What's wrong with the black guy's face?" -- The upper three-quarters of this ad are clean and uncluttered, yet entirely dominated by one man's wince. It appears to be the sexual vowel-evolution of "the 'O' face" -- call it "the 'E' face". There is not a single climactic moment in any major American sport that could cause someone to make this face. It is commonly seen in foreign sports, though.

"What IS the black guy wearing?" -- Cargo shorts that ride up mid-thigh? Form-fitting polo shirt? This was unoriginal, African-American comic fodder twenty years ago.

"What kind of hot dog buns are those?" -- And, why do they look like they cost more than the hot dogs?

"Why are the one guy's feet on the couch?" -- One of the first social rules taught to African-Americans at an early age is to not put your feet (shoes) on the couch. This is so embedded within our collective psyches -- usually through our collective backsides -- that we notice when someone else does it. Even if it is his house and his couch, I'd reprimand him, reflexively. My seven-year-old son is still recovering from the simultaneous scolding my wife and I unleashed when he propped up his baseball cleats on our love seat.

"Where are the coasters?" -- I get the point of the ad's scenery. Maybe it's a man cave-basement thing or intentionally done up to raise awareness for big, bad wolf-proofing one's walls. I get it. But, if my wife walked into this scene, her head would explode. I never owned or used coasters in my home...before I met Mrs. Bootleg. And, her little black woman's wrath. To alleviate any absentmindedness on my part, I make sure my post-work bottle of beer never leaves my side -- living room, dining room, kitchen, garage or front porch. A flawless plan.*

* -- This past Friday, my son Jalen knocked over my beer. I was sitting in the living room and it spilled all over the carpet. Even though it was CLEARLY Jalen's fault -- indoors, he stumbles around with a cinematic inelegance -- Mrs. Bootleg blamed me! Betrayal! Comparable only to this!

"Where did the guy in the middle get that commemorative, combined 1993 Colorado Rockies/Florida Marlins flannel shirt?" -- He's missing the matching helmet!

"Who eats in the middle of a big play?" -- The guy on the left is clearly not a sports fan. If he were, he'd be too anxious to eat during what's obviously a Hail Mary pass or a game-saving catch against the outfield fence or a half-court buzzer-beating heave that's airing on the unseen TV. And, his hot dog eating etiquette leaves something to be desired. It's grotesque enough to earn him an appearance on ESPN.

"Who eats crunchy bagged pretzels as a salty side dish?" -- Potato chips are an acceptable barbecue accompaniment. Pretzels are the uninteresting descendants of saltine crackers. Too many potato chips are bad for you, which -- by definition -- means they're delicious. Most bagged pretzels are fat-free, which -- by definition -- means they're not delicious. The first potato chips were made in Saratoga Springs, New York. The muddled origin of the first pretzel traces back to Italy or Greece or Germany -- two-thirds of the Axis Powers during World War II! Potato chips are this. Pretzels are that.

"Why is there a pickle on one of the plates when the hot dog on that same plate is already topped with relish?" -- If I've learned nothing else from my NEW favorite food show, it's that culinary redundancies are a damnable offense. (By the way, how great is Chopped? 20-30 minutes to prepare intricate courses from the ingredients inside eclectic "mystery baskets". Thanks to the time constraints, someone is sure to cut their finger deeply with a cleaver at least once every three episodes. And, I love how the judges have to pretend to enjoy the mishmash meals ("I've prepared an exotic seafood entree with a Fruit Roll-Up reduction!")).

"Where's the beer?" -- On Sunday morning, I took Jalen to the small market down the hill from our house. They've got a great beer selection and as I walked the aisles, Jalen casually remarked, "Daddy, if you don't drink beer for a whole week you'll lose weight and be healthier!" I believe the absence of beer in a magazine advertisement for hot dogs is a problem. It's too late for me, son.