Comedian Larry Miller has a bit where he explains the difference between the way a man leers at a woman and how a woman ogles a man:
"It's the difference between shooting a gun and throwing a bullet."
Mrs. Bootleg, however, can be quite lecherous when she wants. Hers is a tempered lust that – to the best of my knowledge – only manifests itself with celebrities she can't have.
In recent years, she's directed her fantasy affection towards…
Torii Hunter -- Much like the residents of Orange County, my wife had never heard of Hunter until he signed with the Los Angeles Angels as a free agent a few years ago. Hey, I'll admit it: he's one of baseball's most photogenic faces. Mrs. Bootleg will knock her own son out of the way if he's blocking the TV during one of Hunter's at-bats or interrupting Professor Hunter's latest sociological dissertation.
The Rock -- This one's pretty easy to understand as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and I have more in common than you might think. We're both of mixed race ancestry that blessed us with confectionery complexions (him, peanut butter…me, caramel). And, we both became infinitely more popular when we cut our outdated 'dos down by a few feet. Here's his and here's mine:
Isaiah Mustafa -- Otherwise known as "The Old Spice Guy", Mrs. Bootleg gets positively ooey and gooey whenever one of his new spots premieres. She breathlessly called me at work to relay news of his newly-signed talent deal with NBC. (As African-Americans, we're obligated to call one another when Jackie Robinson gets called up to the Brooklyn Dodgers or when some guy from commercials might have a pilot written around him that might be picked up as a mid-season replacement, someday.) His Old Spice commercials are undeniably catchy and clever, though.
Terry Crews' Old Spice commercials are neither catchy nor clever. Yeah, he's the other black guy is some recent Old Spice ads. This one's just really f***ing loud.
His "Stuart Scott" shouting, gross lumpy muscles and talking abdominals only succeed in blocking any of the product's brand recognition amongst the audience. But, it's still better than this one that sounds an awful lot like "BLACK! BLACK! BLACK! BLACK!" after the first few seconds:
In this final spot, I can only assume Old Spice is overtly marketing to geeks who think Old Spice 16-Hour Body Wash can turn our planet into…Tatooine?
Crews captured a stern, but earnest "John Amos" vibe in his role as family patriarch on the UPN/CW sitcom Everybody Hates Chris.
His new juiced-up "Jimmie Walker" act should've been left in the '70s.