TBG's Sounds of Summer: The Final Standings

Los Angeles Dodgers (Vin Scully): 34
Atlanta Braves (Jon Sciambi & Joe Simpson): 33
New York Yankees (Michael Kay & David Cone): 31
Texas Rangers (Josh Lewin & Tom Grieve): 30
San Francisco Giants (Duane Kuiper & Mike Krukow): 28.5

Minnesota Twins (Dick Bremer & Bert Blyleven): 28
Kansas City Royals (Ryan Lefebvre & Frank White): 25.5
San Diego Padres (Matt Vasgersian & Tony Gwynn): 25
New York Mets (G. Cohen, R. Darling & K. Hernandez): 24.5
St. Louis Cardinals (Dan McLaughlin & Al Hrabosky): 24

Arizona Diamondbacks (Daron Sutton & Mark Grace): 24
Chicago Cubs (Les Kasper & Bob Brenly): 24
Baltimore Orioles (Jim Hunter & Jim Palmer): 23.5
Boston Red Sox (Don Orsillo & Jerry Remy): 23.5
Washington Nationals (Bob Carpenter & Don Sutton): 23.5

Florida Marlins (Rich Waltz & Tommy Hutton): 22.5
Tampa Bay Rays (Dewayne Staats & Joe Magrane): 21.5
Seattle Mariners (D. Niehaus, D. Sims & M. Blowers): 20
Oakland A's: (Glen Kuiper & Ray Fosse): 19
Los Angeles Angels (Steve Physioc & Rex Hudler): 19

Milwaukee Brewers (Brian Anderson & Bill Schroeder): 18.5
Chicago White Sox (Ken Harrelson & Darrin Jackson): 18
Detroit Tigers (Mario Impemba & Rod Allen): 16.5
Toronto Blue Jays (Jaime Campbell & Rance Mulliniks): 13.5
Cincinnati Reds (George Grande & Chris Welsh): 13.5

Pittsburgh Pirates (Greg Brown & Steve Blass): 13
Colorado Rockies (Drew Goodman & George Frazier): 12.5
Cleveland Indians (Matt Underwood & Rick Manning): 9.5
Philadelphia Phillies (H. Kalas, T. McCarthy, G. Matthews & C. Wheeler): 7
Houston Astros (Bill Brown & Jim Deshaies): 5


One more sincere "thank you" from me to everyone who took the time to follow this feature. Over the last month, I've heard from longtime readers dating back to the Bootleg music column days and new readers who found TBG for the first time. I really appreciated the encouragement, kids.

And, I'd be remiss if I didn't single out my wife and son. This may not mean much to most of my readers, but Mrs. Bootleg let me out of TWO preschool-aged birthday parties in August so that I could work some of the above write-ups. Trust me on this: for most fathers, such a furlough is unheard of. Meanwhile, Jalen has perfected his mom's disdainful, dismissive "Are you writing for your blog?" query.

Looks like I'll have to go back to being at least a part-time father and husband.

Damn it.

TBG Eats: Taco Bell's New Volcano Taco

Current Weight: 173.0 lbs.

173 pounds?! How'd my Black ass lose close to 10 pounds in the last month? Long story, actually, and one of many that was unfortunately shoved aside in favor of that 30-part, 30-day baseball feature "Sounds of…uh, Something".

Anyways, it had been several weeks since I last patronized Taco Bell. I hadn't seen any new menu items recently advertised, so I was straining to read the drive-thru menu from four cars back. "Does that say…'Volcano'?", my thought balloon read. Indeed it did. Would this be the death of my diet? Nah…more like a trial separation from sensible eating.

The Volcano Taco is actually quite the fast food marketing coup. It's really just a regular crunchy taco with a red corn shell and something called "cheesy lava sauce". But, don't ever underestimate the power of packaging, kids. Along with a worthless degree, that's one of the few things I took away from my myriad of marketing classes at San Diego State.

Perhaps I'm heaping faint praise here, but the bright red Volcano Taco looks good compared to the original – even if there's no discernable difference in taste between the two shells. The "lava sauce" is surprisingly peppery with a bit more kick than you'd expect from Americanized Mexican fare. The usual ground beef, lettuce and cheese round it out.

At only 89 cents, the Volcano Taco is the latest addition to TB's value menu and, personally, a damn fine apology to me for the chain's removal of the Grande Soft Taco from the cheap eats section a few months back.

Grade: 5 (out of 5)

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Chicago Cubs

Game: Chicago Cubs at Pittsburgh Pirates
Date: August 27
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Len Kasper
Color Commentator: Bob Brenly

Twenty years ago, the sports hype machine was still a work in progress. Take the 1989 Chicago Cubs, for instance. Despite featuring established All-Star talent like OF Andre Dawson and 2B Ryne Sandberg, the spotlight arguably shone just as bright for future journeymen OFs Jerome Walton and Dwight Smith. Back then, baseball celebrity began and ended with the baseball card industry. I'm serious, people. Smith and (especially) Walton were exciting rookies who were both tremendously flawed. But, in the agate type on the back of bubblegum cards, both were superstars. A year or so later, "greatness" would be determined by superficial sound bites and highlights on ESPN's Sportscenter. The end.

Chemistry: Brenly has a tremendous presence on the microphone – proving his underappreciated work on FOX was no fluke – and in an odd, but entertaining way, he's the only color analyst I've listened to that can dictate the pace of a broadcast. Kasper is perfectly competent calling balls, strikes, hits and outs, but he gladly cedes the microphone to Brenly for detailed explanation on even the most mundane plays. Critics might complain that Brenly talks too much, but he manages to cram a lot of insight within his words, so it's not like he's mimicking Tim McCarver. Around the fifth or sixth inning, Kasper was discussing Carlos Lee's fractured finger (in relation to the Cubs' September schedule) and, in the same breath, called it "a break" for the Cubs. That neither man picked up on the unintentional pun was only mildly disappointing. Grade: 7.5/10

Knowledge: In the top of the first, Brenly immediately recognized that Ryan Theriot's had tweaked his swing in an attempt to hit to the right side and move the runner over. One pitch later, that's just what he did. Brenly later explained how a weak ground ball turned into a single due to the second baseman cheating up the middle "by half a step or so". Seriously, you can count the number of color guys who'd make this point on one hand. Random other things I learned from Brenly: (1) how the third base coach positions himself for a runner on first base, second base or both (2) when it's too early to leave third base on a squeeze play and (3) why hitters should bunt the ball at the end of the bat. Kasper, umm…looked razor-sharp in his Comcast golf shirt. Grade: 7.5/10

Enthusiasm: In a lightning fast 2-0 win, Kasper and Brenly were seemingly calling one 1-2-3 inning after another. That said, if you've read this far, you can probably ascertain that Bob Brenly digs his gig and it comes through loud and clear with his cadence. Kasper might've been a little too worked up, though. He misread a flyball by Cubs OF Alfonso Soriano in the top of the first inning and then did it again in the bottom of the second on a ball he'd already conceded into the gap when Soriano casually caught it. Grade: 6/10

Bar Stool Q: As good as Brenly was, I wouldn't be doing my unpaid job here if I didn't mention that he compared Pirates OF Nyjer Morgan with Dodgers OF Juan Pierre – both in playing style and facial features. Yes, both Morgan and Pierre are phenomenally awful hitters who happen to be fast on the basepaths. But, facially? Here's Pierre. Here's Morgan. C'mon, Bob. As for Kasper, I suppose I'll need someone to show me around Chicago. Oh, and maybe he can explain the reasoning behind all this superfluous sh** on the hot dogs they serve there. Grade: 6/10

Camera/Production: In the top of the first, Comcast's picture went out in the middle of a replay. For what it's worth, the clip was run later that inning. From the fourth inning until the middle of the seventh, Brenly's microphone crackled with static intermittently – an annoyance that was never acknowledged by either announcer. And, I get that Cubs fans always show up for road games, but can some of you complain to Comcast about all the ugly ones getting on camera? Didn't Obama mention the "beautiful people" at Wrigley in his speech at the DNC this week? Well, he said it somewhere. Can't we get those folks on HD, instead? Grade: 3/10

Homerism: Anyone's who's heard Ron Santo on Cubs radio knows that Kasper and Brenly have a long way to go before they ascend to the throne of homerism. I haven't looked at the NL Rookie of the Year field, but I might be inclined to agree with Kasper's hometown nomination of Cubs catcher Geovany Soto. I cannot, however, get on board with Brenly's endorsement of Soto as an MVP candidate. Hey, you finally won one, Len. Also, Cubs OF Mark DeRosa was shaky all game long. He played a Freddy Sanchez single into a triple and froze up after a catch, which led to a Bucs runner advancing. Brenly and Kasper didn't say a word. Grade: -6

Commerciality: I'd never even heard of Jimmy John's before this game, but their gourmet sandwich delivery concept won me over in record time. Looks like I'll be adding to my nightly prayer list of eventual Southern California fast food franchises. Menard's, meanwhile, needs a crash course in desirable Cubs-related sweepstakes. Or, don't you want to be the Wrigley Field Groundskeeper for a Day? Livin' the dream.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who holds the single season home run record for the Pirates?" (My answer: Ralph Kiner; Correct answer: same) 13 for 25

Final Grade: 24

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Washington Nationals

Game: Colorado Rockies at Washington Nationals
Date: August 16
Network: Mid-Atlantic Sports Network (MASN)

Play-by-Play: Bob Carpenter
Color Commentator: Don Sutton
"She's a Handsome Woman": Debbi Taylor

The sad demise of the Montreal Expos and the despicable Washington DC stadium deal that hastened their relocation is one of the most surprisingly underreported stories in years. Major League Baseball's bloody hands have been wiped clean and blown dry with the windfall of funds that Commissioner Bud Selig and his cronies squeezed out of an area that sold its soul to be a part of a 30-team fraternity. Although I grew up in Southern California, I have a lot of fond memories of the Expos. There was the great NLCS against the Dodgers in 1981. All the 1989 card sets featuring a young Randy Johnson rocking that goofy, tri-color cap. OF Curtis Pride, who is 95% deaf, hitting a 7th inning game-tying double in late September 1993, with the 3rd base coach motioning for Pride to tip his hat to the standing ovation he couldn't hear. 1B Cliff Floyd's 3-run bomb off of the un-hittable 1994 version of Greg Maddux that signaled a new guard in the National League East. Les Expos sont là.

Chemistry: Carpenter is quick to agree with every point Sutton makes, challenging nothing, while Sutton leans hard on his "back in MY day" resume to add gravitas to his commentary. The highlight of the evening was listening to the two of them simply eviscerate unsigned Nationals first round draft pick Aaron Crow. Throughout the entire fifth inning, Sutton and Carpenter (even Debbi Taylor got in on the discussion) assured viewers that Crow had made a mistake as he would've "started at Double-A" and been "a probable September [2008] call-up". Someone must've got in their ears, because with 2 outs in the bottom of the fifth, everyone fell over themselves to take turns wishing Crow "well in his future endeavors". Grade: 7.5/10

Knowledge: Sutton admired Nats SP John Lannan's fewer hits-than-innings pitched totals, while ignoring the kid's mediocre 87 strikeouts to 50 walks ratio. A half-inning later, Sutton made a half-hearted attempt to blast Rockies SP Livan Hernandez's reputation as an "innings eater" (paraphrased, his point was "what good is that if his innings aren't any good?") but, seemed like he didn't want to offend Livan. Later in the game, Sutton actually took a stab at explaining the "play the game the right way" cliché. His rambling dissertation included: the importance of the name on the front of the jersey rather than the back; showing up between five minutes and one hour early for extra work and sacrificing ones home run swing to get the run in from third. Mystery solved, then. Grade: 5.5/10

Enthusiasm: Carpenter is an old pro and while his delivery is a bit stilted, he does an OK job of getting the disinterested fanbase invested in a game. Sutton, on the other hand, cribs from Tim McCarver's contrived approach to commentary. Sutton actually fixed his mouth to say, in a pretend deadpan delivery, "Ho hum. Another highlight reel play for Willie Harris." Later, as Lannan was getting torched by the Rockies' bats, Sutton combined Nats pitching coach Randy St. Claire with a biblical tale involving Job and "the patience of…St. Clare". Hard to believe he waited until August to drop that gem, no? Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Sutton saw a lot of good baseball during his years calling the Atlanta Braves on TBS. When my A's were suffering through their mid-90s malaise, I watched a lot of Braves games. I'd love to hear Sutton's tales on David Justice's conquest of Halle Berry and the early recording sessions of Deion Sanders' Must Be The Money CD. Carpenter would, of course, be invited to drink with us. After a season like this, he's probably got shots of rotgut aligned alongside his microphone. Grade: 6.5/10

Camera/Production: Thanks to a well-miked field and an absolutely deserted sea of seats behind home plate, umpire Hunter Wendelstedt's calls came through crystal clear. Did you know he even adds things like, "That was outside!" to his calls? Me, neither. Huzzah, empty seats! A replay of the double play that ended the bottom of the first inning wasn't shown until the bottom of the 2nd inning. When a right-handed hitter stepped to the plate, the low-angle camera would catch the Ben's Chili Bowl stand over the hitter's shoulder. Mrs. Bootleg tired of my "hey, I ate there!" line by the third inning. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Sutton had some fun at the expense of Rockies OF Willy Taveras. He correctly shredded the kid's resume as a leadoff hitter, then openly mocked Taveras' "big boy swings" at the plate. Entertaining, yes, but there's no way he's that condescending to the home team. Carpenter and Sutton were pretty even-handed with Nats 2B Emilio Bonafacio. They got on him for a first inning error, but later Sutton said he had the best range of any second baseman in the league. Let's assume that Diamondbacks broadcasts come on too late for Sutton to watch. Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: So, what was the single greatest in-game promo I've heard all year? Well, listening to Carpenter read a spot hyping the move of WWE Smackdown to a new local channel is the current leader in the clubhouse. "Triple H, Edge, The Undertaker…" MASN sent Taylor to the ballpark's "Playstation Pavilion" to interview an 8-year-old playing Guitar, uh…Something. Yep, that was the whole segment. And, the MASN Fantasy Camp spots continued with this one being my personal favorite. Titmouse. Continuing this immature angle, your August 26 giveaway Ryan Zimmerman T-shirts are brought to you by Nick's Sausage. Yuck.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Which two players have the most 30+ home run seasons with the Rockies?" (My answer: Todd Helton/Larry Walker; Correct answer: Todd Helton/Vinny Castilla) 12 for 24

Final Grade: 23

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Atlanta Braves

Game: San Francisco Giants at Atlanta Braves
Date: August 18
Network: SportsSouth

Play-by-Play: Jon Sciambi
Color Commentator: Joe Simpson

In last month's introduction to this silly little feature, I mentioned the handful of ways I enjoyed A's baseball – during my dateless youth – before the advent of the 24/7 sports cycle. Of course, there was other baseball to watch back then and most of it came from Superstation (W)TBS. Skip Caray's nasal hysteria served as the soundtrack for Sid Bream's 16.6-second 60-yard dash from 2nd base in 1992 and the Braves eventual World Championship clincher in 1995, but I'll remember him most for all those seasons when the Braves were at their most execrable. I'd love to hear the bespectacled curmudgeon – just one more time – utter the words "Boever the Saver" or hype the hell out of hot prospect Brad Komminsk or call the game-tying home run from reliever Rick Camp in the bottom of the 18th in a July 4th (by then, July 5th) game. Godspeed, yo.

Chemistry: This was a sparsely-attended Monday day game (official attendance: 18,113…actual: about half that) between two also-rans and I couldn't turn away. Sciambi's got a strong mic presence with just enough snark to keep things interesting, while Simpson is quick with analysis and able to keep up with his more flamboyant partner. Giants SP Barry Zito had his stirrups on backwards, so Sciambi (awesomely mocking a few condescending broadcasters I've heard) lectured the kids in the audience on how to wear them. Sciambi chided Simpson for briefly confusing Giants 3B coach Tim Flannery with a Giants runner trying to score. Later, while knee-deep in a cesspool of insincerity, the two derisively celebrated Shea Stadium's final season. Grade: 9.5/10

Knowledge: Has Simpson always been this good? My earlier memories of him are lost in that overcrowded TBS broadcast rotation of Caray, Don Sutton and Pete van Wieren. His breakdown of Giants OF Fred Lewis properly positioning himself to throw to third base after a catch was terrific. Earlier, Braves OF Omar Infante forgot the number of outs after a sacrifice fly, but Simpson correctly pointed out that Infante had no chance to nail the runner at home. Surprisingly, both Simpson and Sciambi had insight into slowing the hitters' approach vs. hard-throwers, while Sciambi – in a discussion of Zito – mentioned the A's series of first round playoff failures this decade without once using the words "bunt" or "Moneyball". I'm shocked, too. Grade: 9/10

Enthusiasm: In a 5-0 Braves loss, Sciambi and Simpson had to find ways to entertain themselves. Normally, I'm sickened by broadcasters who attempt to answer their own trivia question, but these two were so endearingly over-the-top in their "celebration" when they got it right (including an on-camera "facial" hand-taunt from Simpson) that I'll let it slide. Later in the game, Simpson verbally accosted a Turner Field security guard for "clotheslining" a fan who fell over the rail while reaching for a foul ball. But, I thought the (pretend) police were our friends? Oh, why didn't the world listen to N.W.A. twenty years ago? Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: During the sixth inning, Sciambi and Simpson spent several minutes discussing who would win in a fight between umpires Tim McClelland and Ted Barrett. The conversation included a tale of the tape and some insightful commentary ("If McClelland is as slow to throw a punch as he is to call a strike, Barrett will knock him out in three punches"…paraphrased, but you get the idea). This all ended with an acknowledgement that they'd inadvertently left Fat Joe West out of the discussion. I'm buyin', guys. Grade: 10/10

Camera/Production: Two moments stand out for me… (1) SS Yunel Escobar managed to break his bat while pounding dirt out of his spikes. Although the cameras missed it the first time, a replay was instantly queued up followed by a close-up of Escobar reacting to some merciless razzing from the Braves' bench. (2) Coming back from a commercial, a shot of an infant being placed on its back in advance of a diaper change was shown, leading to the line of the day from Sciambi: "Boy, I'm glad we didn't stay with that." Grade: 6/10

Homerism: And, things were going so well. Braves' SP Jorge Campillo has had a pretty good season. Sciambi and Simpson, however, made him sound like a Mexican Juan Marichal before the game (then, in the first inning, Campillo gave up three singles, a triple and a hit batter). Later in the game, Simpson blasphemed blurted out, "God…" to express frustration after the Braves lined into a double play. Pretty sure that didn't play well over the airwaves down there. Grade: -8.5

Commerciality: SportSouth ran a truncated version of this music video about a half dozen times during the game. The short version included clips from the Braves' pre-game show featuring analysts (and former Braves) Ron Gant and Brian Jordan. Mrs. Bootleg's panties still moisten at the mere mention of their names. Throughout the month of September, SportSouth is running In My Own Words: Bobby Cox. How many of those words will be about this? Checkers has a 2 for $3 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich deal…then, they ruin it all by topping them with ranch instead of blue cheese dressing. That's why we have no respect for the South. Well, these guys don't help, either. Also, this airtran.com spot = all kinds of awesome.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Mark Kotsay is one of five Golden Spikes winners to play for the Braves. Name the other four." (My answer: Mike Kelly and…nothing; Correct answer: Kelly, J.D. Drew, Oddibe McDowell and Bob Horner) I'm awarding myself TWO full points since I named the single most obscure player of the lot. C'mon…have you guys ever heard of Kelly OR the Golden Spikes award? Exactly. 12 for 23

Final Grade: 33

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Colorado Rockies

Game: Cincinnati Reds at Colorado Rockies
Date: August 23
Network: FSN-Rocky Mountain

Play-by-Play: Drew Goodman
Color Commentator: George Frazier
Greater Colorado Payback Sideline Reporter (Yes, he's sponsored): Marc Stout

The Rockies' first regular season game came on April 5, 1993. And, while their opening day lineup is a trivia question unto itself (Joe Girardi was their Opening Day catcher?) the fact that they played the Mets – the 1993 Mets – is what makes this game all the more fascinating. I mean, I know I should be writing about Dante Bichette and Andres Galarraga and David Nied, but I can't turn away from Vince Coleman, Bobby Bonilla and Doc Gooden. Let's split the difference and talk about former Met and '93 Rockie ("Rocky?") Daryl Boston. In their enjoyably mean-spirited and one-sided The Worst Team Money Could Buy, Bob Klapisch & John Harper wrote Boston had the style and grace of a star…at least after the final out. What an epitaph!

Chemistry: Frazier sounds little bit like former ESPN, current XM Radio/Orioles personality Buck Martinez and is surely the cheesiest, most irritating voice a lot of you have never heard. He and Goodman are cut from the exact same corporate cloth – they wear their hard-earned National League Championship rings on camera during the pre-game segment – and therefore OWN this category. The pace of the game was glacial at times, which allowed for Goodman to get a few good shots off. Goodman was lamenting the traffic and secret service teams in town last weekend, when Frazier – in all seriousness – said, "Well, that's for the Democratic National Convention next week." Goodman's sarcastically barbed "thanks" in response was gold. Grade: 7/10

Knowledge: Did you know that Reds 3B Edwin Encarnacion has NOT been helped by the bandbox he plays his home game in? Just ignore his SLG pct. splits, because Goodman and Frazier used home/road batting average and…RBI to show how similarly he hits everywhere! Frazier also let us know that despite OF Matt Holliday's recent struggles, he was going to do well in this game because, in his words, Frazier's got "a feeling". However, one of my highlights of this feature came when Marc Stout COMPARED the "issues" that Reds SP Edinson Volquez overcame with those of the player he was traded for (Josh Hamilton). These "issues" included being told by Rangers' management to cut his hair and wear his uniform "the right way". I re-watched this segment three times to make sure Stout couldn't sue me. Grade: 1/10

Enthusiasm: Goodman and Frazier's love for OF Willy Taveras knows no bounds. Taveras stole a base early on and Frazier actually said that Taveras can anticipate where the throw will be and slide around it. Please. Their rah-rah schtick is probably needed in a town that primarily bleeds Broncos, uhh…whatever the hell their colors are this season (mauve?) Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: Nope. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: In the top of the first, the "Hyundai Cam" (similar to the X-Mo camera used on Angels and Dodgers broadcasts) showed a great replay of Rockies C Yorvit Torrealba getting a foul ball off his…uh, balls – complete with slow motion rippling of the flesh under his jersey. Ouch! In a nice touch on the "scouting report" graphic, a line for the starting pitcher's "out pitch" is included. Along the same lines, a really low-budget looking graphic showed "Where Will He Live" – a breakout of where the pitchers need to throw the ball in the strike zone. For some reason, there was real-time onscreen updating of Ian Stewart's post-All Star Break RBI total throughout the game. Grade: 6/10

Homerism: On a bang-bang play at third, Goodman called Reds 2B Brandon Phillips out before the umpire signaled him safe. This drew dramatic groans from both Goodman and Frazier. On the first two (obstructed) replays, the broadcasters only got more indignant. On the third replay, which clearly showed Phillips WAS safe, Goodman played the "well…it's hard to tell" card. Earlier in the game, a Rockies player was called safe at third when he was clearly out. Goodman just shrugged and said, "Well, if I have a call…I call him safe." Also, memo to both guys: OF Willy Taveras is not "amazing". In fact, he's the triple-f'ing antithesis of the word. Grade: -9.5

Commerciality: This can't be right. During a PSA for manager Clint Hurdle's Wins for Kids charity, Hurdle said that they've raised $90,000 this season. $90,000?! The Rockies have drawn 2,192,974 fans to Coors Field in 2008, which comes out to less than a nickel a fan…and that doesn't include the shut-ins. I'm donating $25 on payday, just so I can say I'm 500 times better than a Rockies fan. Coors Light pollutes the airwaves with their "most refreshing beer" nonsense. Sherbet is "refreshing" guys. Colorado's in-house ad campaign included this terrific spoof on last year's tainted entry into the playoffs.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who is the Rockies all-time leader in complete games?" (My answer: Jason Jennings; Correct answer: Pedro Astacio) 10 for 22

Final Grade: 12.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: New York Yankees

Game: Kansas City Royals at New York Yankees
Date: June 8
Network: YES Network

Play-by-Play: Michael Kay
Color Commentator: David Cone

Say what you will about the Yankees and their satanic ways, it's actually pretty refreshing to watch a baseball broadcast that doesn't involve Fox Sports Net or Comcast's cookie cutter approach. The YES Network is relentlessly self-serving and exquisitely aware of its importance in the sports-shape-my-identity existence of Yankee fans. That's to say that all of the network's own back-patting serves a purpose and, more importantly, at least Michael Kay and his revolving door of color commentators aren't John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman.

Chemistry: Kay and Cone were quite good together. I don't watch enough Yankee games to know how often they're paired up, but the banter between them didn't seem the least bit forced (often a problem with Kay) or insincere. There were a few times when Cone would cackle at his own inside joke to no reaction from Kay, but otherwise, there was effectively analytical give and take with enough levity to keep things loose on this Sunday afternoon. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: Cone could probably have any major network gig he wanted. His breakdown of how Royals 2B Mark Grudzielanek managed to elevate a high fastball for a hit was dynamite. Later, he carefully explained the "blind spot" concept regarding a Jorge Posada passed ball followed up by a perceptive quip that Posada doesn't like to be shaken off by the pitcher. Even Kay had his moments with good points on the folly of sacrifice bunting early in the game. Kay did mispronounce "Hochevar", but we'll let it slide. This time. Grade: 8.5/10

Enthusiasm: Kay was able to drop in his infamous "See ya!" home run call here. It was a 95 degree day in the Bronx, so that might explain why it sounded more restrained than usual. Cone and Kay probably overdid it with the resonance of Joba Chamberlain's second career start, but if you were expecting posturing akin to New York's sports talk radio callers, you'd have been pleasantly surprised. Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: Cone is terrifically glib with a baseball mind able to remember obscure facts from some of his long-forgotten starts. Plus, he once (allegedly) exposed himself to some women out near the Mets' bullpen in the late '80s. That covers his half of the deal here. Kay seems like he'd be a real-life Ron Burgundy ("I'm kind of a big deal.") away from the ballpark. I did like Anchorman, but I don't wanna sit next to him for an entire evening. Grade: 5.5/10

Camera/Production: In one of the more unintentionally funny moments I've seen for this feature, YES flashed a "scouting report" graphic on the Royals' Alex Gordon that included the line "Joba's Mate". Oh, come on…baseball and lowbrow were born to be together. I assume there wasn't enough room in the graphic for "Joba's former roommate", which isn't nearly as funny. Otherwise, YES has all of the excellent production graphics that you'd expect from an ESPN mid-week broadcast. Grade: 7/10

Homerism: I expect this won't make me any new friends, but Kay actually kept his team colors in check. The bunting criticism I mentioned earlier was directed at the Yankees. And, while I've heard and read some of his insanely slanted rants against Trevor Hoffman (vis-à-vis Mariano Rivera) and Johnny Damon (Red Sox caveman version), Kay was about as even-handed as I've ever heard him here. Ditto for Cone. The Joba man-crush was a little much, though. Grade: -5

Commerciality: Pure f*****g gold. I know that my NY readers have probably seen the "wicked psyched to be heah" Avis spot before, but it killed me. And, the Derek Jeter-in-disguise Ford commercial is one of those that's so howlingly awful, it ends up doubling back to be (kinda) good. I haven't seen enough of that "little bit of luck" guy from the Take 5 Lottery for it to annoy me yet and seeing pro wrestling personalities Chavo Guerrero and Jimmy Hart in a hair restoration ad almost made my day. But, the clear advertising winner? A 60-second ad featuring…this.

Smokers Quit Line Trivia Question: "David Cone debuted as a reliever in 1986 with the Kansas City Royals. Who started that game?" (My answer: (expecting it to be anyone but the easy call, Bret Saberhagen: Bud Black; Correct answer: Bret Saberhagen) 10 for 21

Final Grade: 31

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Cleveland Indians

Game: Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
Date: July 30
Network: SportsTime Ohio

Play-by-Play: Matt Underwood
Color Commentator: Rick Manning

Some of you might remember that the Bootleg Family took a vacation to the Bay Area earlier this year. During our stay, we caught a ballgame in Oakland between the A's and the Indians. My son, Jalen, was mostly jazzed about meeting the A's mascot, so imagine my surprise when he made it through the entire game (Cleveland: 2, Oakland 1). An unintended consequence of that event is that it turned the Indians into his "other favorite team", resulting in four straight months of "Why did Oakland lose to Cleveland?" and mocking "Let's go, Cleve-land!" chants. Still, what are the odds that a young child can pledge allegiance to one team, then switch simply because of one game? Uh oh. I have NO son!

Chemistry: Manning is one of those ex-ballplayers whose unrefined style may be appreciated by some, but it's eight kinds of annoying to me. His approach is to shoehorn himself right over Underwood's competent play-by-play with expressive grunts, moans and whooping whenever the Indians do…well, whenever they do their jobs like catching, hitting or throwing. Underwood didn't seem to mind – or, maybe he's just used to it – as his flow was never interrupted despite Manning's pushy attempts to interject his pie hole into every moment of the game. Grade: 2/10

Knowledge: Early on, Manning speculated that if Tigers OF Curtis Granderson ever started hitting left-handed pitchers like the Tribe's Grady Sizemore, he'd be a .300 hitter. This didn't sound quite right to me and, sure enough, Sizemore is a career .243/.334/.398 "hitter" vs. LHP. Also, Granderson DID hit .300 last year and (at this writing) is exactly at .300 this year. Underwood didn't help his cause by expressing surprise that a "veteran team" like the Tigers could be so poor on defense (old guys don't make errors?) or his passive-aggressive attempt to link Tigers C Brandon Inge's "game-calling" with the 119-loss Tigers season in 2003. Grade: 3/10

Enthusiasm: Manning got giddier than a schoolgirl at the sight of Indians SP Jake Westbrook ("There's Jake the Snake!") This led into another silly discussion on "veteran presence". It's really working for the Indians this year, no? Manning's cheering on a Sizemore drag bunt was passionately nauseating ("Isn't it a thing of beauty?!") But, my favorite moment came when Manning implored viewers to "Watch this!" immediately before a replay. What the hell else are we going to do? Underwood got several chances to use his home run call in this game and even dropped "…going to 'souvenir city'!" on me. Did he steal that from Baseball Tonight's Eric Young or vice versa? Please note: I don't care. Grade: 8/10

Bar Stool Q: I'm convinced that if notorious "homers" like Rex Hudler and Ken Harrelson played it straight, they'd be excellent broadcasters. Manning can't claim any such caveat and, as a result, he'll be drinking alone. It's my fervent hope that Underwood stands up to Manning at some point and tells this blowhard to put the pom-poms down, but until that day comes, Underwood will always be an enabler. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: The STO HD opening is cheesy, but kind of cool – various players standing in front of ominous storm clouds, before it all dissolves into a trippy array of red and blue floating discs. At first pitch, there was a neat little pop-up graphic that showed the weather conditions. In the 3rd inning, then-Indians SP Paul Byrd put on a headset for some in-game comments. Reason #181 why I hate this practice: Byrd was nearly drilled in the head with a foul ball in mid-sentence. On the plus side, he was actually pretty insightful. Grade: 5.5/10

Homerism: OK, just a few more to finish my earlier points: In the 5th, Manning called Indians C Kelly Shoppach "sloppy" on a passed ball, before rescinding that comment and chalking up the misplay to just getting crossed up with this pitcher. How is that not "sloppy"? More Manning: "Uh oh!" (on a home run by Tigers 1B Miguel Cabrera before it left the park); "Whoa HO!" on a nice catch by Shoppach; "That (long pause) is very good!" (on an Indians 3-run home run). Grade: -10

Commerciality: Molson Beer is big in Ohio. Pfft, socialists. A place called Alvin's will refund your engagement ring purchase if it rains on your wedding day (or send the guy in that picture if you miss a payment). It rained on my wedding day and, believe me, even a free engagement ring couldn't turn around the last 5 ½ years. Although, it would be nice to have that $75 back in my pocket. Want to win a bet with friends? Tell 'em that hhgregg is the real name of a regional appliance store.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Who is the youngest player to win an American League batting title? (My answer: Norm Cash; Correct answer: Al Kaline) 10 for 20

Final Grade: 9.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Florida Marlins

Game: St. Louis Cardinals at Florida Marlins
Date: August 11
Network: Fox Sports Net-Florida

Play-by-Play: Rich Waltz
Color Commentator: Tommy Hutton
Former WWE Superstar Craig DeGeorge: Craig Minervini

Believe it or not, there was a time when I was an even bigger baseball geek than I am today. Case in point: where were YOU on November 17, 1992? That was the day of baseball's Expansion Draft, fielding the core of the Colorado Rockies and Florida Marlins. My boy Vig and I blew off our afternoon classes, picked up a pizza and sat transfixed in front of…get this…a picture tube television set, watching the event unfold. The Marlins' inaugural outing against the Dodgers on April 5, 1993 was a HUGE deal, people. Charlie Hough, 66, beat Orel Hershiser and America was convinced that teal would always be in style. Quick aside: if anyone is interested in some bulk Nigel Wilson rookie cards, lemme know.

Chemistry: Waltz and Hutton have been together since 2005, developing a pleasant rapport with each other. Obviously, I don't watch a whole lot of Marlins baseball (neither do the locals…n'yuk n'yuk n'yuk) but, there appears to be something of a running joke as it relates to Hutton's love of sweater vests. This unusual in-game subject segued into a discussion about San Francisco – where the Marlins would be travelling on their next road trip. An unfunny jab from Waltz about a "sweater vest convention" led to Hutton – without missing a beat – firing back: "Well, we've been [in San Francisco] when there've been all kinds of conventions." Everyone's microphone was quickly killed for a few moments while they all got their giggles out. No one ever said "chemistry" couldn't be adolescent. Grade: 7/10

Knowledge: I think we can all agree that the Cards' Albert Pujols is one of the best hitters of this generation. Still, when Waltz – in mock exasperation – asked Hutton how the Marlins could get Pujols out, Hutton could only offer that Pujols was hitting .350 and "that shows he does make outs". It was like listening to Joe Morgan not answer a question during his ESPN.com chats. Several times during the game, however, Hutton dropped in critiques of varying sharpness when it came to the young Marlins. His delivery was what you might expect from a coach or manager – lacking in technical sophistication, but it was straightforward and easy to follow. Grade: 6/10

Enthusiasm: Waltz's home run call is raw and could use some work ("Cody Ross! Leftfield! Get outta here!") Also, for some inexplicable reason, in the fifth inning, Hutton left the booth and Cardinals' color man Al Hrabosky joined Waltz. This turned into a bizarre sidebar in which Waltz sounded positively star-struck by The Mad Hungarian. Hutton was having fun out there and really seems to embrace the abrasive tough-love style of analysis. Grade: 6.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Hutton played with some of the most interesting and successful teams of the '60s (Dodgers), '70s (Phillies) and '80s (Expos). His name also carries a bit of broadcast cache as a result of his work with the Yankees and ESPN. Hard to believe he hasn't penned an autobiography, but there's still time, Tommy. And, if you need a ghost-writer, I know a certain 2x Writer of the Year with a lightly-read blog who could add passion to your perspective. Waltz is originally from the Bay Area, but since the likelihood of me making a buck off of him is nil, he can buy his own fried mozzarella. Grade: 5/10

Camera/Production: Minervini's showed up during the game to interview a Marlins fan who'd finally realized his dream of being on TV during a broadcast. I'm serious. Viewers got to hear how he traveled to Tampa during interleague play, with handmade signs in tow, in a failed attempt to catch the attention of FSN-Florida's TV cameras, before finally catching a break. The Marlins get about 1,000 fans/homestand. Pretty sure they'll get everyone on camera, eventually. In the top of the 7th, the broadcasters engaged in some awkward conversation with the Marlins' Spanish announce table team. More on that in a moment. Grade: 3/10

Homerism: Hutton was brutally honest in knocking the Marlins when necessary. All-World SS Hanley Ramirez stole a base early on, but Hutton insisted that Ramirez still needed to work on getting good leads from first base and improving his first step to second. Marlins SP Anibal Sanchez went to a full count on the opposing pitcher and Hutton was almost apoplectic. At the start of the game, however, Waltz lamented the condition of the Dolphin Stadium playing field (a preseason football game had been played there a few days earlier) and whined, "The days of multi-purpose stadiums are gone." Translation: buy our obscenely rich owner a new ballpark, please. Grade: -5

Commerciality: The SAP Marlins broadcast is brought to you, in part, by Kentucky Fried Chicken. I remembered seeing a KFC in Mexico on my honeymoon, so I guess it's not that unusual. Then, the camera crew caught the Spanish announcers in the booth with a giant bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in front of them. This killed me. Speaking of death, Robert Wagner showed up several times to shill the Senior Lending Network. They'll send out a free DVD with more information, which I'm sure instantly lost their intended audience, all of whom remain frightened of technology. And, the look of those teenagers.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Who did Stan Musial pass to become the all-time Cardinals leader in hits? (My answer: Enos Slaughter; Correct answer: Rogers Hornsby) Sorry, Thai…I really should've known this one. 10 for 19

Final Grade: 22.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Houston Astros

Game: Arizona Diamondbacks at Houston Astros
Date: August 16
Network: FSN-Houston

Play-by-Play: Bill Brown
Color Commentator: Jim Deshaies
"Patti" with an "I", Annoying with an "A": Patti Smith (Sorry, kids…the Astros have someone who's even harder to find a picture of than Arizona's "interview bunny".)

20 years ago, I played with the Houston Astros…on the old Nintendo Entertainment System video game RBI Baseball. In fact, I vividly remember a dramatic seven-game series that pitted me against m'boy Smitty. I'd exhausted Nolan Ryan's arm in an earlier game and none of Mike Scott's Vaseline balls were crossing the plate, so I went to the bullpen for Charlie Kerfeld. Miraculously, he gave me six shutout innings, picking up the win and clinching the '88 Dork Series for my imaginary electronic team. Good times. While you can't see me in the postgame celebration, Charlie Kerfeld comports himself well, don't you think?

Chemistry: These guys. This was an odd little pairing as Brown is cold and rigid, while Deshaies – the former Houston Astro – poorly plays the role of "storytelling broadcaster". Deshaies spun a yarn about Nolan Ryan - during Ryan's days with the Angels - apologizing to a batter before he hit him with a pitch. It wasn't funny in the least, but Brown's overselling belly laugh was positively noxious. Deshaies spit out similar groaners ("Cy Young? Maybe if that's 's-i-g-h'!") all game long with Brown as his unlovable laugh track. Everything between them felt forced and phony. It was like watching two white men mimic my marriage. Grade: 1/10

Knowledge: By the time you're reading this, I will have sat through 30 different broadcast teams for this feature. I've never heard anyone call a game like Bill Brown. He speaks entirely in factoids and clipped bits of trivia. Y'know those silly little "stats" that accompany a player's picture on the JumboTron? ("Tejada is 8 for his last 15…") Well, that's the extent of Brown's play-by-play. "Berkman's got X runs batted in this month."; "He's hitting Y since the All Star Break."; "He's hit Z home runs at home this year."; "It's a single to centerfield…he's now 4 for 5 off this pitcher". Deshaies is just brutal. Astros SP Brandon Backe gave up five in the first inning, but not once did Deshaies attempt to analyze. Ever. All game. He dredged up some astrological nonsense about kids who are born in August having the best chance to be big leaguers. When the crazy man came in off the street corner, Brown called his notions "plausible". You have my sympathies, Astros fans. Grade: 1/10

Enthusiasm: All game long, Brown and Deshaies seemed to get excited about everything but the game. After the answer to the trivia question was revealed, Deshaies made a comment about K-Rod's five postseason wins in 2002 and called it "ironic" since he only appeared in five regular season games that year. Brown brought out the fake laugh, loudly exclaiming "That IS ironic!" It's not irony. It's "coincidence", you dolts. I guess I have to give them some credit for occasionally appearing interested. Grade: 2/10

Bar Stool Q: Deshaies was once a clean cut, inconspicuous pitcher from the late '80s. Today, he sports a shaved head, black-framed glasses and evil goatee. The original Deshaies has obviously been replaced by his doppelganger from some parallel universe. Normally, I'd be all over this…asking him about the evil Superfriends and pushing for parallel universe Uhura's evil e-mail address. But, Deshaies is just so…I mean, here's his work on the replay of a double play: "A quick two hopper…boom, boom, boom. Two outs." What are they paying him for? And, after two hours of conversation with Brown ("That's Aaron's fifth bourbon of the evening, two in the last 25 minutes.") I'd wanna punch him. Grade: 1.5/10

Camera/Production: Patti Smith pimped FSN's weekend coverage of Wee Craig Biggio's number retirement ceremony about a billion times. I exaggerate, of course, but trust me when I say that a billion Biggio network promos wouldn't have been worse than the top of the fifth inning here. Smith interviewed the CEO of the Houston Golf Association right over the first two outs of the inning. He was there to hype a golf tournament that starts on March 30, 2009 and runs through April 5, 2009. Earlier, some cell phone company sponsored this question: Who had a greater impact in their field: Babe Ruth or Elvis Presley (both of whom died on August 16)? Brown called the question "intriguing" and Deshaies said the query would "divide households". Jesus. Grade: 2/10

Homerism: Newly-acquired Diamondback Adam Dunn came to the plate early on and, to their credit, both Brown and Deshaies sang his praises (even mentioning OBP and SLG) without once mentioning Dunn's strikeouts. Too many lazy journalists and fans act like the K's somehow negate Dunn's entire offensive skillset and for a road player he's an easy target. Good job, gentlemen. See? I'm fair. Grade: -2.5

Commerciality: Your Houston-area Ford dealer sells something called an F-180 "Texas Edition". I'm guessing the glove compartment doubles as a cooler and the passenger's side airbag can be driver-deployed to assist in spousal beatings when both his hands have a beer. Mesquite Championship Rodeo is running show at – and I quote from the graphic – "The Air Conditioned Resistol Arena". I don't know why this tickled me. Maybe because I've seen the opening credits of old shows that included the words "In COLOR!"

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Other than Randy Johnson, which active pitcher has won five games in a single postseason?" (My answer: Andy Pettitte; Correct answer: Francisco Rodriguez) 10 for 18

Final Grade: 5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Arizona Diamondbacks

Game: Washington Nationals at Arizona Diamondbacks
Date: June 1
Network: FSN-Arizona

Play-by-Play: Daron Sutton
Color Commentator: Mark Grace
Intrusive In-Game Soft Focus Feature Chick: Kyndra de St. Aubin (sorry, kids…there is not ONE picture of her online. Not one!)

I'd forgotten how name-droppingly awesome that inaugural Diamondbacks squad was. Imagine, if you will, opening a pack of Upper Deck baseball cards in 1992, silently promising yourself that one day you'll own a team…and, when you do, these will be your players: Devon White, Matt Williams, Andy Stankiewicz, Hensley (Bam Bam) Meulens and Bernard Gilkey. Of course, Arizona would go on to win the World Series in 2001, finally delivering a baseball championship to the hundreds of thousands of transplanted Chicago Cubs fans out there who were actually alive in 1908.

Chemistry: During the pre-game segment, Sutton and Grace seemed determined to shatter my ear drums. Their primary screaming point was that the month of May had passed (in which the D'Backs went 11-17) and that every team is 0-0 in June. The whole thing was just another silly means of motivation for athletes (and fans, too, I guess), so to that end, at least Sutton and Grace were on the same page. Thankfully, they toned down the bombast once the game started and were actually a lot of fun together. Sutton screwed up an in-game promo – having to stop and start over again several times – with Grace needling him about it throughout the rest of the game. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: Grace can be frustrating at times because he's capable of much more than lazy ex-jock phraseology. He and Sutton sarcastically shot down the importance of team meetings and wondered aloud why they're always scheduled hours before a team faces the other squad's worst starting pitcher. But, earlier Grace droned on and on about the D'Backs "going back to the running game". As if the drop of six team stolen bases from April (19 wins, 8 losses) to May could make up for the 60 point drop in SLG from the same two months. Grace is another old school guy who gets all ornery at all the newfangled stats out there, but really, Gracie…you hate OPS? It's on-base plus slugging. A+B = C. The eggheads aren't reinventing the wheel here. Grade: 5.5/10

Enthusiasm: Conceding that I've never broadcast a baseball game in my life, I daresay that my make-believe home run calls while playing Baseball Stars were better than Sutton's ("Driven! [Elijah] Dukes! Back! Gone!") It was like a bad simulcast of $25,000 Pyramid. Sutton got a little too gooey over IF Chad Tracy's home run ("That is a redhead leaving the ballpark!") and made a dated reference to something called a "rave", then chuckled as if anyone under 30 (or over 35) knew what the hell he was talking about. Grace is a little out of control at times and his phlegm-filled vocal chords get especially grating when things go well for the home team. Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: Grace has the disheveled, looks-older-than-he-is appearance of a man who was quite the show on road trips during his playing days. Let's stop short of a libel lawsuit and suggest that he might know the best places in Phoenix for bourbon and a Cuban. And, women. That's all I'm saying. Sutton doesn't have the name recognition of his partner and I can envision his best pick-up line: "I'm sure you've heard of Mark Grace. Well, I sit on his left!" Actually, I'd buy him a beer to hear him use it. Grade: 7.5/10

Camera/Production: De St. Aubin practically hijacked the entire third inning for a feature on FSN's "Good Sport of the Week". It's absolutely a good cause, but I don't think it's insensitive to ask that a baseball game remain separate from an extended PSA. I was surprised to see that even during games broadcast to their home audience, FSN shows a lot of shots of the swimming pool beyond the outfield wall. The novelty hasn't worn off of you guys yet, Arizona? Grade: 3.5/10

Homerism: Grace does have that Rex Hudler vibe about him – undeniably knowledgeable, but content to be the peak of the D'Back Cheerleaders' Pyramid. He's also got a surly edge that is probably more endearing to those who watch him everyday. Sutton and Grace did a bit of quibbling with the umpire's strike zone, which wasn't nearly as absurd as the comparison of an opposite field single by 2B Alex Romero to Tony Gwynn. Grade: -7.5

Commerciality: Diamondbacks SP Randy Johnson, in the obligatory local car dealership advertisement, sounds like he's over-dubbed from inside a wind tunnel while hawking Van Chevrolet. My favorite line: "I can buy a vehicle anywhere…" That's how you relate to the working class fan, kids. You won't see too many creepier ads than the one for Riviera Pools with a guy in the stands forcefully gesturing with a half-eaten hot dog in his hand.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who was the last team to play in Washington DC before the Nationals and who are they now?" (My answer: Washington Sentaors...Texas Rangers; Correct answer: same) 10 for 17

Final Grade: 24

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Baltimore Orioles

Game: Texas Rangers at Baltimore Orioles
Date: August 8
Network: Mid-Atlantic Sports Network (MASN 2)

Play-by-Play: Jim Hunter
Color Commentator: Jim Palmer
Almost Prettier than Jim Palmer: Amber Theoharis

M'man Josh warns:

Try'n get the Orioles when they have their "A" team of Gary Thorne and Jim Palmer, or at least their "B" team of Thorne and Buck Martinez. Sundays when Thorne is doing national radio and they have Jim Hunter can be painful, especially if he works with Rick Dempsey. Hunter does every Sunday and sometimes gets a weekday series, and Palmer basically never travels unless it's to a big city where they have his proper hair dye.

I ended up with a Friday night home game, but Gary Thorne was nowhere to be found. Thorne was one of the first play-by-play voices on ESPN when the network grossly overpaid for baseball's weekday broadcast rights in 1990. The weird thing is that he's a screamer of the highest degree and notorious for injecting contrived drama with his maudlin inflections, but I like the guy. It probably helps that I still have a VHS copy of a 1990 Red Sox vs. A's game, in which he called a rare Felix Jose home run. Plus, Thorne (briefly) called bullsh*t on Curt Schilling. Approve.

Chemistry: I'm old enough to remember when Jim Palmer was a spokesman, sex symbol and broadcaster. See, in MY day, the middle-aged hotties multi-tasked. Anyways, 25 years of acclaim, regard and women half his age have turned Palmer into something of a "color commentator emeritus". Consequently, his spectacular ego is a show unto itself. Hunter took Palmer's condescension in stride (during an especially long-winded Palmer point, a graphic for an in-game promo popped up…Palmer said, "I'll let you do this, so we can get back to my thoughts.") Later, during the trivia segment, Hunter ventured a guess to which Palmer, in a hilariously dismissive tone, responded, "No! No way!" It was like watching Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone for the first time. Grade: 5/10

Knowledge: Hey, did you know that Palmer once played baseball? He dropped his first old-school reference in the bottom of the first, when he explained that teams should pitch to O's star Nick Markakis in the same way that teams approached George Brett. First Earl Weaver reference: top of the 2nd, for those scoring at home. Palmer's not much of an analyst ("The reason you have seven players behind you is because they have gloves. They'll help you") and it doesn't help Hunter's credibility when claims, "[Juan] Castro's not much of a hitter, but he'll get you that timely hit." No, he won't. Grade: 4/10

Enthusiasm: Palmer was a LOT more animated when he was sharing a three-man booth with Al Michaels and Tim McCarver in the 1980s. He seemed absolutely bored at times and I'm certain I heard his voice crack on a couple of occasions. Hunter was actually OK. Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: I don't want to oversell this, but an evening of drinking with The Legend of Jim Palmer would probably be the greatest night of my life. I see him as a guy who takes bottles of hand sanitizer and cans of Lysol everywhere. He probably demands restaurant seating "away from my fans" and travels with dozens of autographed 8x10 headshots for the ladies – all of whom he derisively calls, "doll-face". And, I'm not going to lie…the prospect of some soccer mom sloppy seconds intrigues me. I imagine Hunter's role on road trips is to fetch Mr. Palmer his martinis and weed out the cougars from the cattle. Grade: 10/10

Camera/Production: Thank you, high definition! In the stands, I was able to clearly see a female fan texting friends during the entire 4th inning AND saw a group of three women posing for pictures in their seats during a Melvin Mora at-bat. Lots of silly, meaningless on-screen "stats" (the O's are 24-13 in the first games of a series this year; 2-0 vs. Texas!) And, speaking of superfluous, Dick Vitale joined the booth in the 3rd inning. Dick Vitale. His reason? He's taking his grandkids to every ballpark. Seriously. Although, watching Jim Palmer visibly recoil every time Vitale put his hand on Palmer's shoulder was HIGH comedy. Points, also, for Vitale making a reference to his and Palmer's work on The Naked Gun. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: In the first inning, Palmer was already moaning about Rangers SP Luis Mendoza getting calls "three inches off the plate" from the umpire. Then, no lie, Mendoza started getting squeezed by the same ump, before melting down entirely. My guess is that Mr. Palmer sent a note down to the ump, voicing his displeasure with the early strike zone. He's a Hall of Famer, y'know. Hunter was absolutely pro-Orioles, but not obnoxious about it. Grade: -5.5

Commerciality: MASN airs a series of "fantasy camp" commercials in which on-air personalities teach fans how to call a game, interview a player, etc. Some of these aren't bad, but there's one with Amber Theoharis where her acting and line-reading skills are positively pornographic. The Inn at Charles Town Races & Slots ran an ad that ended with the tagline: "West Virginia…wild & wonderful!" And, the overpriced, untalented hacks at Northrop Grumman want YOU to work for them.

Toyota Trivia Question: "Who was the last Baltimore Oriole to win a batting title?" (My answer: Frank Robinson; Correct answer: same) Hunter's answer: Melvin Mora. Remember, Jim Hunter…your ignorance makes Mr. Palmer look bad. Mr. Palmer doesn't like to look bad. Mr. Palmer NEVER looks bad. 9 for 16

Final Grade: 23.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Philadelphia Phillies

Game: Cincinnati Reds at Philadelphia Phillies
Date: June 5
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Harry Kalas (1-3, 7-9 innings) Tom McCarthy (4-6 innings)
Color Commentators: Gary Matthews, Chris "Wheels" Wheeler

[TBG Note: The following post was written in August 2008, several months before the death of long-time Phillies broadcaster Harry Kalas.]

The 1994 strike effectively ensured that there'd never be another team like the 1993 Phillies – a mulleted collection of trailer park trash, pot-bellies, neck beards and Kim Batiste. When baseball returned in 1995, the game had irrevocably changed. Simply put, a lot of the fun had been sucked out of the industry as the mainstream media demanded fans accept the self-servingly robotic Cal Ripken, Jr. as our "savior". From there, baseball sat through the boring corporate championship reigns of the Braves and Yankees, with a bought-n-paid for Marlins run mixed in for kicks. So, a toast to you, Mickey Morandini, Larry Andersen and Dave Hollins. And, f*** you, Curt Schilling.

Chemistry: OK, try'n follow along. Immediately after the Comcast intro, Harry Kalas and Gary Matthews (rockin' a pretentious Panama Hat) welcomed viewers to the game. Sometime between these three minutes and the first pitch, Matthews was gone and Chris Wheeler assumed the color commentary role without any mention of what Comcast had done with Matthews. Later in the first inning, Tom McCarthy joined us on camera from the stands with a mic in hand…only to pop up in the booth with Matthews (who'd actually joined Kalas in the top of the 3rd inning, with Wheeler leaving) at the start of the 4th inning. Jesus, people. The only satisfaction I took from this car wreck was a quick jot in my notes that read, "Kalas and Wheeler don't seem to like each other." Then, while researching this segment, I discovered I was right. Every time Kalas spoke, Wheeler would jump right in with a tone that hinted, "Well, fans, here's what the old man MEANT to say…" Grade: 1/10

Knowledge: We must find a way to get Gary Matthews his own urban '70s sitcom. Here were the first words out of his mouth when he got around to joining us in the 3rd, "I've always said good pitching stops good hitting." Really? That was you, Gary? Someone should trademark those never-before-heard words, immediately. Other jive-time Gary gems, "That's altogether a lot different."; "The Griffeys are the only dad/father combination to go back-to-back."; "My first pro team was in Decatur, Illi-noise." Kalas has obviously seen a lot of baseball in his 200 years, but he adds nothing beyond several oddly-placed birthday wishes. McCarthy is actually very good and was the first to suspect that Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins had been removed from this game for lack of hustle. Grade: 3/10

Enthusiasm: Maybe someone from Philadelphia can clue me in on why Comcast just doesn't go with a McCarthy/Wheeler booth. In a town that gets off on describing itself as the most passionate collection of sports fans on earth, these two do the best job of capturing the city's doughy, triple-chinned posturing. Kalas' 21-year-old great-great grandson sang the National Anthem for this game and, afterwards, there was a palpable pride in his voice. Sadly, that was as jazzed as he'd be all day. M'man Matthews needs to quit mimicking ESPN's Emmitt Smiff – shouting isn't the same as "excited". Grade: 3/10

Bar Stool Q: As much fun as Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman seemed to be having in Weekend at Bernie's (timely!) I can't say I'd enjoy an evening out with the Honorable Harry Kalas. As for Wheeler, everyone called him "Wheels" during the broadcast, which leads me to believe he gave himself that lazy nickname and insists that's what he be called on the air. Matthews doesn't have much going for him, either: his son plays for the hated Angels, he's a terrible broadcaster, but, he was the featured guest on an episode of The Baseball Bunch back in the day. Nope, can't do it. I'm sure his "steppin' out" threads include several faux gold ropes, tight seersucker slacks and white patent leather shoes – all of which have been observed on my recently-divorced dad. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: Things were perfectly acceptable from the production truck. In fact, this game featured several moments where immediate highlights from previous games between the Reds and Phillies were needed for reference. They came right up whenever a point needed to be made, such as the difficulty with tracking fly balls in the outfield at Citizens Bank Park or a minor defensive adjustment for Phillies C Carlos Ruiz since his last start. Grade: 6/10

Homerism: Kalas is famously deadpan whenever the Phillies' opponent scores a run or makes a great play. It's been a part of his schtick since the beginning of time, so I'll give him a partial pass. Matthews seems to moisten at the mere mention of Jimmy Rollins, but saved my favorite hyperbole for 3B Pedro Feliz, whom he dubbed "vacuum cleaner". Oh, yeah…Brooks Robinson…Pedro F'n Feliz. Good to see the links in that Hall of Fame chain continue. Grade: -7

Commerciality: The makers of Herr's Potato Chips embrace the greasy, messy quality of their product. Those old Pringles commercials that made oily potato chips seem repulsive can kiss my Black ass. Mitch Williams(!) is apparently a part of the Phillies postgame show, but he stars in an unfunny rip-off of that Bud Light "dude" campaign – which I happened to like, believe it or not.

Dodge Stump the Fans: "What year was baseball's first amateur draft?" (My answer: 1965; Correct answer: same) Didn't I tell you how often derivatives of this question were asked…? 7.5 8 for 15

Final Grade: 7

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Los Angeles Dodgers

Game: Florida Marlins at Los Angeles Dodgers
Date: July 10
Network: FSN-Prime Ticket

Play-by-Play: Vin Scully
Color Commentator: None
Pre-Game Stooge Troika: Patrick O'Neal, Kevin Kennedy and Steve Lyons

"High fly ball into right field, she is GONE!" With those nine words, the venerable voice of Dodgers baseball ripped my heart out on October 15, 1988. It would be years before I could watch the highlights of Kirk Gibson's Game #1 deathblow to my A's. Yet, as much as the end result (still) pains me, I've grown equally disdainful of Jack Buck's national radio call of the home run ("I don't believe what I just saw!"), which has unofficially become the moment's historical record. No disrespect to the late Mr. Buck, but Scully's is arguably the greatest home run call of our generation. Vin Scully's words should be how that home run is remembered. 20 years of my own shock treatments, notwithstanding.

Chemistry: To the best of my knowledge, Scully is the only Major League Baseball TV broadcaster to work solo in the booth. I started listening to him on KTTV-Channel 11 in LA when I was seven years old and in all that time, he's been by himself – save for his appearances on NBC's national Game of the Week when he was often paired with Joe Garagiola. It's amazing how much dead air I've heard while tuned in to two and three-man booths during this feature. Scully keeps a natural, measured pace and connects with his audience like few others can. Unfortunately, he's a victim of my own scoring system. Grade: N/A

Knowledge: I've read some criticism over the years that basically accuses Scully of leaning too heavily on his producers for in-game notes and situational analysis. And, to those people, I officially call bull-plop. On a stolen base by Dodgers OF Andre Ethier, the throw went into centerfield, but Ethier failed to advance to third. Scully immediately noted that Ethier was looking for the ball when he should've been looking towards the third base coach, Larry Bowa. Scully followed that up by suggesting the tempestuous Bowa would let Ethier know about it. Earlier, Marlins SS Hanley Ramirez was thrown out attempting to stretch a single into a double. Scully recognized that the leftfielder was shading towards center, which gave Ramirez the false confidence to try for two. If those are someone else's observations, I'd argue that he learned to recognize them from Scully. Grade: 10/10

Enthusiasm: Former Oakland A's prospect John Baker finally got the call to The Show with the Marlins on the night before this game. Scully spent a few moments before Baker's first at-bat detailing his long journey to the bigs. A pitch or two later, Baker homered over the right field wall for his first Major League hit. Scully's call of the shot was thrilling, as he topped it off with a genuinely sincere "Wow" and an expression of congratulations for Baker and his family in attendance. Again, this was for the road team. His voice will raise a couple of notches for the Dodgers (as it did on a Russell Martin bomb in the sixth inning), but the next time Scully screams over the air will be the first time I've heard it. Grade: 8/10

Bar Stool Q: Scully's memorable calls include Hank Aaron's Ruth-breaking home run in 1974, Bill Buckner's error in the 1986 ALCS and, of course, that Gibson thing. No one can argue that he hasn't lost a little off his fastball ("The league is hitting (pause) a 1.80 ERA off of [Chan Ho] Park"), but this is the same guy who called a lazy fly ball to right field, thusly: "…looking up into the powder blue is Ethier, who makes the catch." Hell, I'd even eschew booze for the evening if it would make Mr. Scully feel more comfortable. Grade: 10/10

Camera/Production: I don't know if the "X-Mo" super slow motion camera is exclusive to Los Angeles and Orange Counties (the Angels use it, too) but, more teams should spring for the technology. It's a terrific way to watch replays of hitters making contact and pitchers throwing breaking stuff. An unintentionally hilarious side effect of Scully's folksy style is listening to him talk over the crappy pre-at bat rap music used by the likes of Dodgers Matt Kemp and James Loney. Grade: 7/10

Homerism: I know that this is reading like a mash note to another man, but if you haven't heard Scully you'll have to trust me when I say there's not a more unbiased broadcaster in the business. He'll gently chide either side when it's deserved, yet can still find time to read the following scouting report on Marlins SP Josh Johnson: "Height: 6'7"; Weight: 240 lbs.; Throws: Right and he's got a little facial hair." But, just so the praise party doesn't get completely out of control, we'll deduct a point since it's still the Dodgers. Grade: -1

Commerciality: This may get my California citizenship revoked, but I've always thought In-n-Out Burger to be WAY overrated. Their commercials are usually just short, simple shots of a Double-Double followed by the "that's what a hamburger is all about" catchphrase. Based only on their great sales and shoddy ads, I'm not sure why they bother. I've long been bugged by that silly "wide-mouthed can…LET'S VENT!" spot for Coors Light. The narrator hypes a "better pour" as one of the can's benefits, but every actor in the ad is swilling straight from the can.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Jeff Kent has 16 straight seasons with 10 or more home runs. Who holds the record?" (My answer: Hank Aaron; Correct answer: same) 6.5 for 14

Final Grade: 34

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Chicago White Sox

Game: Oakland A's at Chicago White Sox
Date: July 4
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Ken "Hawk" Harrelson
Color Commentator: Darrin Jackson

This should be fun. Harrelson is almost universally despised by baseball fans and considered the biggest "homer" broadcaster in any sport. You've surely heard his "You can put it on the board, YES!" home run calls or his repeated references to the White Sox as "the good guys". For years, he shared the booth with Tom "Wimpy" Paciorek – another unabashed cheerleader – who was replaced in 2001 with former Southsider, Darrin "DJ" Jackson – the laziest nickname in sports.

Chemistry: Well, I guess it's unavoidable. There are actually some aspects of a baseball broadcast in which Harrelson and Jackson excel. Hawk is almost all schtick and Jackson plays a great, understated straight man. I say this even accounting for a sixth inning sidebar into their respective golf games and DJ literally shrieking like a vulture during a discussion on relief pitchers who sometimes back into wins. DJ is several notches beneath Paciorek in his interaction with Harrelson, but the current broadcast team is definitely on the same page. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: Harrelson spent some time discussing how well a few A's had hit Sox starter Mark Buehrle and making it seem like Kurt Suzuki's lifetime 4 for 6 meant something. Sample size, Hawk, sample size. As the A's extended their lead throughout the game, both broadcasters stopped breaking the game down (which they hadn't been doing much of) and started whining about the umpiring. DJ did have some insightful words on how outfielders track a flyball, but hurt his own point by using the phrase "…long, gaping [sic] strides…" to describe a player running. Grade: 4/10

Enthusiasm: In an A's blowout win, Hawk and DJ kept a sock in it, for the most part. I hadn't listened to them all season, but I was surprised by how much dead air there is between them during a game. On more than one occasion, a couple of pitches would pass before either one said a word. By the last out, it seemed like no one was taking the loss worse than them. I'm torn here. I know that these guys are a "10" in this department during a Sox win. Let's split the difference. Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Jackson's playing career ran concurrently with my first stretch of baseball infatuation (starting in the late 1980s). The fact that he didn't play in the bigs from 1995-96 (during my waning interest in the game, post 1994 strike) further endears him to me. As for the Hawk, he seems like the type that would have us thrown out after grabbing the server's ass on the heels of six Scotch bender. Then, he'd feel bad and buy us all lap dances down the street, before getting us thrown out of there, too. What can I say? I've got friends like that, now. Grade: 8/10

Camera/Production: It might've been due to the holiday, but there were a TON of crowd shots of fans decked out in patriotic gear. A little too many for my taste and almost always without any reaction from the broadcasters. Someone on the production team also left a mic open that was close to home plate, thereby picking up a bunch of inane heckling from someone who had to have paid $200 for his seat. Douche. Grade: 3/10

Homerism: Umm, yeah. Seriously, I counted…Hawk dropped his first reference to "we" as it relates to the White Sox at four seconds into the broadcast. DJ followed with an "our". Repeat, to varying degrees of annoyance, over nine innings. Grade: -10

Commerciality: The good people at White Castle offer up a "sack of 10" giveaway, which sounds awesome enough for even me to enter. The Sox have an in-house ad campaign that's harmlessly amusing.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Damn it. I watched the whole game, but don't have anything in my notes on the question. And, I know that there was one and that I got it right. So, in interest of fairness to me, I'll come up with my own question: "Before the Nick Swisher deal, who was involved in the last trade between the A's and the White Sox"? Honestly, I'm just guessing here, but I'll say Ray Durham (and others) in 2002. After a quick check, I see that I had the year right, but I was a few months off. It was Keith Foulke (to the A's) for Billy Koch. I'll give myself half a point here. 5.5 for 13

Final Grade: 18

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Minnesota Twins

Game: New York Yankees at Minnesota Twins
Date: June 2
Network: FSN-North (MN)

Play-by-Play: Dick Bremer
Color Commentator: Bert Blyleven
Ummm…"Telly"?: Telly Hughes
Uncomfortable Looking Ex-Player in an Ill-Fitting Suit: Ron Coomer

I've never really had much love for the Twins. In 2002, they bounced my A's out of the postseason in five games and then absolutely laid down for the hated Angels. 11 years earlier, they ruined the storybook season of the not-yet-insufferable Atlanta Braves, costing Steve Avery, Deion Sanders and Dhalsim Nixon their shots at World Series rings. That '91 Series also featured Twins SP Jack Morris' famous Game Seven performance, which is often mentioned as his entire inane Hall of Fame argument. Yeah, yeah…"winningest pitcher of the 1980s"! Fun fact: Dave Stieb had the second most wins in the '80s and, at his peak, was a much better pitcher than Morris ever was. Zing!

Chemistry: Bremer and Blyleven are quite the amiable arrangement. Bremer was born and raised in the Gopher State. His pleasant delivery and slightly nasal Midwestern twang make for an authentic Minnesota sound. Blyleven had long ago cemented his goofball reputation during his playing days and is as much of a natural on camera now as he was in 1990, when he filmed a cameo for Jim Belushi's Taking Care of Business. (This, of course, was part of an odd 18-month arc from 1989-90 in which Belushi tried to position himself as "family friendly" with films like K-9 and Mr. Destiny) I'm not sure their style would play as well in Capitol City, but there are few combos who reflect their home market as well as these two. And, there's NO way either would be as effective away from the other. Grade: 9/10

Knowledge: Sorry, Twins fans, but I remember Blyleven mostly from his 1989-91 stint with the California Angels – especially his excellent first season in Anaheim and how he nearly carried the Halos into the playoffs. Not surprisingly, his breakdown of the spin on a curveball (Bert's best pitch) that turned into a wild pitch was terrifically detailed. He opened the game with a strong, relevant scouting report on SP Livan Hernandez and later chimed in with good analysis of SP Andy Pettitte's ability to control the running game. Bert's less sure when it comes to hitting, but that's a minor nit. Bremer, on the other hand, read straight from the on-screen graphics and added little beyond the call of the game. Grade: 7/10

Enthusiasm: Folks in this part of the country simply don't do enthusiasm. It's a little jarring to hear so much dead air when the game is already being played within the confines of an airplane hangar, but both Bremer and Blyleven call the game in a plain, straightforward style (even Bert's comic relief is freeze-dried). When the Twins made a nice play or scored a run, the broadcasters' voice inflections showed it, but their well-worn rocking chair style could use a bit more oomph. Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Blyleven got into a bit of hot water when he inadvertently uttered an expletive over the air. His potty mouth gets him in the door with me, while the potential for poop from the one movie he did intrigues me even more. I mean, really, how did Loryn Locklin NOT become a star?! Bremer appears to be a wonderful gentleman and all, but he seems more at home MCing a Little League banquet at Tim Horton's. Grade: 5.5/10

Camera/Production: Give FSN-North points for including pre-recorded in-game thoughts from Twins coaches on how to play the Yankees, but it was often intrusive and the cameras were late to return to the action on a couple of occasions. I'm still not sure what purpose Telly Hughes served, other than guiding the extremely awkward Ron Coomer through the reminiscing of Coomer's playing career. Grade: 4.5/10

Homerism: Even with the Yankees in town, Bremer and Blyleven rolled out the broadcast welcome mat for the evil empire and refused to play into the "heroic underdog" mentality. It sounds like a little thing, but you'd be surprised how often this pandering tactic is used on local TV when New York is in town. The two played up the home team, certainly, but without ever throwing it in our face. Grade: -3

Commerciality: Quite the smorgasbord of awesome, including a spot for Kent Hrbek's Outdoors show. I could watch him kill innocent animals with a bow & arrow for hours. A local brand called Cub Foods sponsors "Fantastic Fridays" at the Metrodome with the enticement of free milk or orange juice coupons in certain sections! Finally, an ad for Cenex Propane had everything but Hank Hill and his "taste the meat, not the heat" tagline.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Hmmm…it seems I omitted it from my notes. Nice. I write down Blyleven's Ed Whitson joke, even though no one under 35 will get it, but I forget something that's an actual piece of this damn feature. I'll have to think of one on the fly, here…uhh, who did the Twins receive in exchange for former All-Star Chuck Knoblauch? I know Eric Milton was part of that deal, right? That's all I got.

Final Grade: 28

TBG Eats: Rubio's Grilled Gourmet Tacos

This lightly-read blog has been around for almost two years and in that time, I've done my best to ensure that the "TBG Eats" posts maintain as much of a national focus as possible. However, in the interest of finding August blog fodder that has NOTHING to do with baseball, some of you will be forced to read a food review about a place you've never heard of. Sorry about that. Blame Taco Bell for not introducing anything new. And, no…this recently re-introduced menu item doesn't count.

Rubio's has become something of a local landmark for especially lazy national media members who've grown tired of equating San Diego with temperate sunshine. In pretty much every touristy puff piece about this city, under "places to eat", the words "you've GOT to try a Rubio's fish taco" are almost always first and foremost.

Personally, I like Rubio's, but their fish tacos aren't all that. (Or "all there", or whatever the hell the kids were saying 20 years ago.) Rubio's fish tacos are about as big as the distance from the bottom of your middle finger to the top of your wrist. The shredded cabbage-to-fried fish ratio has gotten out of control, while the white, creamy mystery sauce is now dispensed by the teaspoon.

For delicious fish tacos (and, trust me, they're a lot better than they sound) most San Diegans prefer the burrito-sized, heavily-battered coronary-blockage bombs served at any of the one million hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurants in this city.

Still, Rubio's is good for rotating interesting seasonal items in and out of its menu. I've enjoyed their burritos stuffed with swordfish, mahi mahi, lobster or baby seal meat, so it should come as no surprise that I was sucked in by Rubio's pretentiously-titled "Gourmet Tacos". I ordered one with sirloin steak and the other with grilled chicken.

The steak taco was a little disappointing: the meat was tough and undercooked (c'mon, Rubio's…ANY red meat in a real Mexican dish should have a little char on it), but the toppings came close to carrying this to the promised land.

The chicken taco, on the other hand, was phenomenal: fat strips of seasoned white meat chicken, toasted cheese, big-azz chunks of fresh avocado, habeñero citrus salsa, creamy chipotle sauce…and bacon. The steak taco had the exact same toppings, but it all works a bajillion times better with the bird.

Everything is wrapped in a corn tortilla that's lightly oiled, then heated until it's a little bit crispy and a little bit chewy. A la carte, the steak taco is $3.79 and the chicken is $3.49.

Grade (Gourmet Steak Taco): 3 (out of 5)
Grade (Gourmet Chicken Taco): 500

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Seattle Mariners

Game: Detroit Tigers at Seattle Mariners
Date: July 4
Network: FSN-Northwest

Play-by-Play: Dave Niehaus (Innings 1-3); Dave Sims (Innings 4-9)
Color Commentator: Mike Blowers
Rally Fry Girl: Cara Capuano (mildly attractive in-game correspondent who hands out french fries to parasites who bring signs begging for free food)

Niehaus was inducted into the broadcaster's wing of the Hall of Fame this past July. According to the M's website, he has called 4,817 of the 4,899 games the team has played in its entire history. Blowers played in the bigs for 11 seasons (including four with Seattle), but I'll always remember him for his 1998 campaign with my A's. Oakland trotted out Blowers, Dave Magadan(!) and Ed Sprague(!!) at 3B that year before finally calling up Eric Chavez to cease the misery. Eric Chavez "saving" the A's. Damn, that was a long time ago.

Chemistry: Niehaus is like a LOT of other aging broadcasters who are locally beloved for their familiarity with listeners, while no longer much of a talent. His crusty old-school schtick is a two-car crash on the microphone with the meandering, mumbling Blowers. In the second inning, the running (off-)topics of conversation were: the New York media, Keith Hernandez, cheesecake and Canada. Sims and Blowers mesh a little better together, but Sims – tragically – appears to have been born without a personality. Grade: 4/10

Knowledge: Blowers enjoyed some success in his career against SP Kenny Rogers (who started for the Tigers in this game) and relayed some neat little gems regarding how to hit him. Blowers also was surprisingly informative as he outlined the changes a defense makes behind a famously good fielder like Rogers. Niehaus and Sims simply call what's in front of them. Although, I'd be remiss if I didn't share Niehaus' call of a Kenji Johjima groundout ("Easy play. (pause) Renteria will throw him out.") or a Curtis Granderson strikeout ("Nice pitch." (Long pause/no follow-up)). Grade: 5/10

Enthusiasm: Sadly, I didn't get to hear one of Niehaus' screaming home run calls for the Mariners. It's probably a good thing, as I'm still not sure how the old guy gets a pass for inanity like "Get out the rye bread and the mustard, it's grand salami time!" Dave Sims got a longball, though. His "…it's a no-doubt-abouter…!" bit needs work. I'm fairly certain Blowers nodded off around the fifth or sixth inning. Grade: 4/10

Bar Stool Q: Well, Sims is Black, so we've got that in common. Not many of us left that can talk baseball at a comprehensible level. And, yes, that includes ESPN's Eric "Emmitt Smith" "Avery Johnson" Young. We learned during the broadcast that Blowers is a big fan of barbecued ribs (and lots of other things unrelated to baseball), so he could keep up with my wings eating. Niehaus would need a separate stool at the bar – far, far away – so that he could drink his sarsaparilla in peace. Grade: 6.5/10

Camera/Production: FSN-Northwest used lots of patriotic music into and out of commercial breaks in honor of July 4th. Yankee Doodle Dandy? The Girl I Left Behind Me? Ugh…this was the equivalent of those pandering American flag lapel pins to my ears and I never want to hear…hey, Lex Luger's theme music! Sadly, Niehaus refers to the song by its original name. The starting line-up graphics blew by so fast that Blowers had to wake up and speak at a normal rate. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: Muted. Niehaus isn't overbearingly biased when the score is low and close, so my ear drums survived in tact. Sims made a passing reference to a recent controversy involving M's starting pitcher Erik Bedard and his reluctance to throw more than 100 pitches per start. It really sounded like he was going to take Bedard to task, before gently applying the breaks. Blowers was born in Germany. The discussion on that subject covered the bottom of the third inning. Grade: -3.5

Commerciality: Banner Bank, Safeco Investments and the usual marketing-to-guys spots (beer, cars). The M's do have a pretty funny ad campaign of their own, but during this disastrous 2008 campaign, I can't imagine too many people laughing.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "How many 4th of July games has Safeco Field hosted?" (My answer: 4, Correct answer: 3) 5 for 12

Final Grade: 20

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Halfway Home

First of all, my sincere thanks to those who've left comments and sent e-mails or IMs since SoS (original!) began. More importantly, though, thanks to those of you who've plugged this lightly-read blog on your own blogs or mentioned this feature on message boards and the like.

Teams Reviewed – Current Standings

Texas Rangers: 30
San Francisco Giants: 28.5
Kansas City Royals: 25.5
San Diego Padres: 25
New York Mets: 24.5
St. Louis Cardinals: 24
Boston Red Sox: 23.5
Tampa Bay Rays: 21.5
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: 19
Oakland A's: 19
Milwaukee Brewers: 18.5
Detroit Tigers: 16.5
Toronto Blue Jays: 13.5
Cincinnati Reds: 13.5
Pittsburgh Pirates: 13

At this writing, I've got seven more reviews finished and in the queue. Of those, there are two teams who scored better than Texas and one that finished (way) below the Pirates. That leaves me with the next two weekends to watch and write up eight more games to finish the series.

Sorry, Mrs. Bootleg.

TBG's Sounds of Summer: St. Louis Cardinals

Game: St. Louis Cardinals at Atlanta Braves
Date: July 31
Network: Fox Sports Net-Midwest

Play-by-Play: Dan McLaughlin
Color Commentator: Al Hrabosky

OK…on the one hand, I'm one of those that believe St. Louis just might be the best baseball town in America. On the other hand, the sheer number of grubby panhandlers who accosted me outside new Busch Stadium before and after the game is something that's rarely reported during Baseball Tonight's fellatio of the city. I think Tony LaRussa is a Hall of Fame manager, but his introduction of bullpen micromanagement in the late '80s has slowed the game to a crawl and helped turn off a generation of fans. I think Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame, too, but I can't help but take some pleasure in the public downfall of a player who took great pleasure in painting the Oakland A's into a corner with his pending free agency in 1997. Boy, I can carry a grudge.

Chemistry: McLaughlin and Hrabosky were all over the map on this evening. They sounded like old chums as McLaughlin was teasing Hrabosky about all the text messages he receives from his pal, former Cards OF "Jimmy" Edmonds. At other times, Hrabosky would barely acknowledge his partner. McLaughlin spoon fed a set-up on Braves SP Mike Hampton's mechanics for Hrabosky to dissect, but he offered only some gruff nonsense on Hampton's need to go back to "that football mentality". Early on, there was a brief disagreement between the two over who Albert Pujols hit his first home run against (Armando Reynoso or Randy Johnson). In case you're wondering, it was Reynoso. Their speaking styles (McLaughlin's energetic, Hrabosky often sounds mildly annoyed) actually work well together, but I'm not entirely sure that the men behind them do. Grade: 5.5/10

Knowledge: The Mad Hungarian seems content to regurgitate the media stat sheet in all of its small sample size glory. After a home run by the Braves' Omar Infante, Hrabosky provided a real-time update on Infante's numbers over the last handful of games. Fantasy players must love this guy! I guess I shouldn't complain, since Hrabosky's clumsy attempt to decipher baseball's post-trade deadline waiver wire rules was comically confusing. Unfortunately, a good chunk of the early innings were spent kibitzing over the trades that were made earlier in the day (while simultaneously lamenting the Cardinals failure to land a left-handed reliever). That was some quality not-talking-about-strategy time we viewers missed. Grade: 5/10

Enthusiasm: Hrabosky seemed positively energized when the discussion took an odd, out-of-place turn towards the then-unresolved Brett Favre melodrama. Later, ol' Al got all riled up over the MLB schedule makers. As of July 31, the Cardinals had yet to play a game at Wrigley Field. As Hrabosky put it, "Well, it's not like [the Cubs] are in our division. I'm facetiously saying that." Uh oh…he's winning me over! McLaughlin is just caffeinated enough to briskly carry the proceedings without ever going too far over the top. Hell, he seems just as bemused by Hrabosky's cantankerous nature as the rest of us. Grade: 6/10

Bar Stool Q: Hrabosky played during the entire decade of the 1970s – a time that has spawned about a billion books on the game's rampant drug culture and amoral values. Suffice it to say…I'm buyin' him a beer. McLaughlin gives off that corporate sheen and would probably snitch to his superiors if he saw us with any non-Busch beer product in our hands. That's a "5" for Al and a "0" for Dan. Don't blame me, St. Louis. Grade: 5/10

Camera/Production: Pujols' first big league hit was against Mike Hampton and the truck was ready with the highlights as Albert stepped to the plate. Unfortunately, I don't have a note on the context, but some ancient clips of former Cards 2B Jose Oquendo pitching four innings (and getting the decision!) against the Braves in 1988 were shown, too. There were a few too many shots of Genius LaRussa and his big brain from the dugout, but otherwise nothing too intrusive. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Both McLaughlin and Hrabosky jumped all over Cardinals SP Joel Piñeiro for handing runs back to an opponent after St. Louis gave him the lead. They made mention of this happening before with Piñeiro and it was refreshing to hear this kind of candor on a telecast. They also came this close to calling out the front office for their failure to act at the trade deadline. Stick it to the man, guys. Bravo. Grade: -2

Commerciality: I don't live in St. Louis, but I do own a degree in marketing. I can say with confidence that Schnucks is the worst name I've ever heard for a supermarket chain, including those with the words "Piggly" or "Wiggly". I've never been to a Steak n' Shake and their cornball commercials aren't exactly enticing me to find one the next time I'm out there. Besides, dairy products turned heel on my digestive tract about five years ago, so I don't care how slowly they make their shakes. There's a "Cardinals Clinic" in Chesterfield, MO featuring quote – former Cardinals greats – unquote, John Mabry and Scott Terry. And, just to spit in my eye, Hardee's has a new strawberry biscuit, while Jack in the Box counters with biscuits and gravy. Only in the Midwest, of course. Dammit.

AFLAC Trivia Question: None. Don't you people realize I'm writing a 30-part feature for my lightly-read blog here?! That's a half-point paddlin', FSN-Midwest.

Final Grade: 24.5 24

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Milwaukee Brewers

Game: Milwaukee Brewers at St. Louis Cardinals
Date: July 24
Network: FSN-Wisconsin

Play-by-Play: Brian Anderson
Color Commentator: Bill Schroeder
Long name. Not a natural blonde.: Trenni Kusnierek
Studio Hosts? For the Brewers?!: Jeff Grayson & Jeff Cirillo

I work with someone who is the biggest Brewers fan this side of all those still-burning Brett Favre shrines in Wisconsin. Along with my African-American wife from Utah, I think it's safe to say that I'm well ahead of the rest of you in the obscure scavenger hunt of life. I'm actually glad to see the Brewers enjoying a long overdue renaissance as their early 80s Harvey's Wallbangers teams were some of the best than no one remembers. Of course, I'm as guilty of selective memory as anyone. For me, the Brew Crew will always be about Gary Sheffield and Beckett Baseball Card Monthly's "Cold List" and Greg Vaughn, ummm…"somehow" turning fat into muscle - hitting 40-50 home runs per season after leaving Milwaukee.

Chemistry: Anderson is practically invisible. He's calls an alright game, I guess, but the only time he shows a lick of personality in his interactions with Schroeder is when he's forcing out a fake laugh at one of Schroeder's simplistic attempts at humor. In this game, Schroeder kept repeating that new Brewer 2B Ray Durham had to break out the "rust remover" for his swing after being inactive for a week and a half. Anderson finally gave him a giggle just to shut him up. The Brewers are a fun team to watch, so it's not like the announcers need to be the show. Grade: 5/10

Knowledge: With a runner on and Cards' CF Rick Ankiel at the plate, FSN showed a graphic outlining how the Brewers had shut down the heart of the St. Louis order for the first three games of this series. Schroeder immediately jumped on that and warned viewers that the Cardinals were too good for their struggles to continue. On the next pitch, Ankiel rapped an RBI single. He mentioned that the Brewers had been getting Ankiel out up in the zone, but this mistake from SP Ben Sheets was down and away. Schroeder was even sharper when he wondered aloud why Cardinals RF Ryan Ludwick was playing Sheets so deep on a bloop from the Brewers pitcher that almost fell in. Schroeder used the words "increased confidence" about 200 times too many to explain away achievement, but that's to be expected from an ex-player. If only Anderson had uttered anything worth remembering. Grade: 6/10

Enthusiasm: Both guys are graduates from that Midwestern Broadcasting School of Leisurely Pacing and Dairy Farming. In a taut, back-and-forth game, it was hard to tell that these weren't still the bumbling Brewers of the last 15 years. If anything, I would've thought that calling a game in arguably the best baseball town in America (with Milwaukee taking the first three of four) would add a spark to their call. However, only with occasional exception did Anderson and Schroeder capture the drama inherent in the journey of a team that's approaching the precipice of something special. Grade: 4/10

Bar Stool Q: Schroeder has the gruff, husky sound of a man who's embraced the Wisconsin existence wholeheartedly. There's no telling what could be on his breath at any time and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn that he can polish off a plate of sausages in just one inning. Anderson, on the other hand, reminds me of those guys who are all too eager to be the designated driver just so they have someone to hang out with for the evening. Grade: 5/10

Camera/Production: Throughout the game, Schroeder's microphone seemed to drift in and out with pockets of audible static coming through. This was just a minor annoyance, but I was surprised that it went unacknowledged by the broadcasters during the entire game. On the plus side, FSN-Wisconsin uses the same slightly elevated centerfield camera shot as NESN, which I dig tremendously. But, back to the minus side, the entire fourth inning turned into a bizarre career achievement celebration for Brewers coach and former All-Star Ted Simmons – hosted by Trenni Kusnierek. Sorry, but a man approaching 60 should never be referred to as "Simba". Grade: 5/10

Homerism: What Anderson and Schroeder lack in enthusiasm, they make up for in cockiness. They talked about all the problems Brewers manager Ned Yost had with having "too many good players" and not enough spots to play everyone. I'll give them credit for correctly mocking the Cards for carrying (at the time) 13 pitchers, but they beat that horse to death in just half an inning and framed it to make it look like the Brewers would never do that, because they know what they're doing. Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: Piggly Wiggly has poured some insane sponsorship dollars into the broadcast. Their "Tailgate Tip" featured a portabella-gorgonzola stuffed sirloin that should ensure Milwaukee's place on America's... fittest cities?! Piggly Wiggly also owns the scouting report feature or, as Schroeder put it, "The Pig wants to remind us…" Lots of Miller Beer spots, including the ones with that jive-talking beer delivery guy who "punishes" white folk by taking their Miller High Life. Potawatomi Casino's tagline ("We've doubled down on your chances…for excitement!") made my night. And, hey, guess who the Kentucky Fried Chicken "Who's Hot" player was? Yep, Ray Durham. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle-loo! Halle-loo! Halle-loo-YAH!

AFLAC Trivia Question: "How old was Ted Simmons when he debuted for the Cardinals in 1968?" (My answer: 23; Correct answer: 19) 5 for 11

Final Grade: 18.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Texas Rangers

Game: Oakland A's at Texas Rangers
Date: May 30
Network: Fox Sports Net-Southwest

Play-by-Play: Josh Lewin
Color Commentator: Tom Grieve
In-Game Tapeworm: Jim Knox

Lewin is more famous here in San Diego for being the play-by-play radio voice of the Chargers, while Grieve was the General Manager of the Rangers for a time and is the father of fizzled-out phenom, Ben Grieve – who had exactly ONE notable baseball skill: his sweet swing. That's not to be confused with actually, y'know, hitting the ball. Ol' Ben was the monarch of the on-deck circle, though.

Chemistry: Lewin and Grieve are actually a LOT better than I remember. Lewin's voice is vibrantly energetic and meshes well with Grieve's curmudgeonly tone. Around the 3rd inning, Grieve absolutely lit up – for him, anyway – during an odd discussion of favorite John Wayne movies. Obviously, he lost me (African-American, born after 1940) and Lewin begged off, as well, but the whole thing was endearing in an addled, Abe Simpson sort of way. Grade: 8.5/10

Knowledge: Wow…now I wish I hadn't been so fast with the "addled" adjective. Grieve is terrific at breaking down the minutiae for the casual fan. He analyzed and explained the effectiveness of A's RP Keith Foulke's goofy delivery. He outlined the differences between Rangers starting pitcher Kevin Millwood's follow through before and after he went on the disabled list (this game was his first start back) and, most impressively, he walked viewers through easy-to-understand reasons behind Phillies 2B Chase Utley's power surge this season. Lewin doesn't embarrass himself, either and wisely defers to Grieve to talk to the "how". Grade: 9/10

Enthusiasm: Lewin isn't quite a screamer, but he's right at the dividing line when it comes to exciting plays for the home team. Both of them got a little too giggly over a guy in the stands who bore more than a passing resemblance to Rangers shortstop Michael Young. My A's lost the game and both broadcasters excitedly went on and on about how a sweep would put the Rangers in second place ahead of Oakland. On May 30. Grade: 6.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Lewin was often funny and self-effacing, so I'd have no problem splitting wings and pitchers with him. Grieve knows his stuff, but seems more like the guy who'd tell the party in the next booth to pipe down during the National Anthem and bitch about the $8.95 asking price for potato skins ("I can make these at home!"). On the plus side, Tom's son, Ben, would most likely be tasked with showing us to our table. Grade: 6/10

Camera/Production: There was nothing too notable either way. A hee-yuge picture-in-picture graphic during a baserunner advance on a sac fly blocked out way too much of the screen. But, this was more than made up by an onscreen homage to the 1984 Topps set, as a baseball card-like graphic popped on screen regarding whichever Ranger was "hot" at that moment. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Lewin and Grieve were surprisingly balanced with no more cheerleading than you'd expect from the home town team. Since Oakland lost, I was ready to deduct one point on principle. Unfortunately, the broadcast crew also includes Jim Knox, whose sole purpose is to interview fans in the stands during the game. I shouldn't have to "mute" a baseball game, Jim. Grade: -5

Commerciality: Surprising to see a state with as rich a Hispanic history as Texas gets those Taco Cabana ads featuring an extremely cheesy Spanish-accented voiceover. A couple of spots for Whataburger did nothing for me, but maybe they'd consider dredging up this mildly offensive ad campaign. Wasn't he in Cannonball Run?

AFLAC Trivia Question: Which Hall of Fame outfielder had the lowest career batting average? (My answer: Reggie Jackson; Correct answer: same) 5 for 10

Final Grade: 30

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Boston Red Sox

Game: Baltimore Orioles at Boston Red Sox
Date: July 11
Network: New England Sports Network (NESN)

Play-by-Play: Don Orsillo
Color Commentator: Jerry Remy
Hotter'n 100 Hazel Maes: Heidi Watney

About 20 years ago, the rivalry between the Red Sox and my A's was about as fierce as any in baseball. Longtime Oakland fans like me have heard about (or maybe even watched) the nationally televised Monday Night Baseball game in 1986 in which Dave Stewart – a bargain-basement reclamation project – defeated eventual Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens. Stew would go on to compile a 9-1 record in head-to-head contests vs. Clemens, including the postseason. I miss those Sox teams. Where have you gone Carlos Quintana, Tom Brunansky and Mike Smithson?

Chemistry: Orsillo and Remy have been together since 2001 and theirs is a fine two-man balancing act. Remy, the former Red Sox second baseman, has been in the NESN booth for 20 years and with his New England accent, disheveled posture and jowly countenance, it's no wonder he's held in such high regard, locally. At least once a game, Orsillo and Remy spin an anecdote about a personal experience in some random nearby suburb (in this game, it had to do with Orsillo's commute to Fenway from Smithfield, Rhode Island) and all of its "great Red Sox fans". Considering how television broadcasts are merely a means of (eventually) marketing as much moolah out of the fans as possible, the pandering here at least serves a purpose. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: There are a lot of ex-player/color commentators who half-ass their role, collect a paycheck and offer nothing in the way of relevant or interesting analysis. In the case of Remy, someone would need to spot him half an ass to reach this embarrassingly low bar. He had some salient points about Red Sox SP Clay Buchholz and the unrealistic expectations after Buchholz's 2007 no hitter, but for most of the game, he was reading right from pre-game press stat sheets and media guides. I get that he's there to mostly lend some local credibility to the proceedings and that Sox fans would just as soon watch a walrus in Remy's role (hey, separated at birth!), but it was still a disappointment. Orsillo is way too reverent to Remy and he spent the game feeding Remy set-ups to simply regurgitate over an instant replay. Grade: 3/10

Enthusiasm: In Remy's defense, he is capable of getting spun up as well as any other middle-aged white man. There was a grotesquely blown call at first base involving SS Julio Lugo that had Remy moaning in agony and loudly lamenting, "…if only we had replay." His "fan's passion" is evident just about every time he opens his mouth, whether he's dropping his deadpan SAP catchphrase ("Buenos noches, amigos!") or reading one of the million in-game NESN promos. Orsillo is nicely measured and, thankfully, won't give in to hyperbolic calls or contrived drama. Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: I spent one night in Boston back in 2005 and I'd put their bar scene right up there with anyone's in the nation. Can't say that I'd want to kill an entire evening with Orsillo and (sigh) "RemDawg", though. Then again, Remy was elected (no, seriously…) as the first president of Red Sox Nation. I assume that comes with a Secret Service detail ("Aren't you Mo Vaughn?") and immediate VIP access within, oh, let's say…the Electric Blue Café. And, Mr. President, can you look into overturning this recent decision by the local government? We, as a society, should be bringing business together, not pushing them apart. Grade: 2.5/10

Camera/Production: NESN uses an odd, elevated centerfield camera angle from pitch-to-pitch. I remember that ESPN used a more exaggerated version of this in 2001 for baseball and, after numerous complaints, switched back to the standard CF camera. It took an inning or two to get used to, but NESN's approach gives better perspective to breaking balls and a truer look into what the hitter sees. They had lots of replays, from all sorts of angles, on a fan interference non-call off a Sean Casey double and, as mentioned, the Lugo blown call at first got the same thorough treatment. My favorite moment came during an in-game segment with Heidi Watney, though. Two women in the seats behind her saw themselves on camera and immediately started kissing. Giggedy. Grade: 9/10

Homerism: Remy's about what you'd expect from someone with such strong ties to the Red Sox. He knows who butters his bread, but, like Orsillo, his leanings are usually woven well within the context of the fact that there are two teams on the field. As a result, the compliments and criticisms flow back and forth for both teams, if not always in equal amounts. Grade: -5.5

Commerciality: Hoo boy, where to begin?! Remy's awesomely awful "air guitar/I'm not a rock stah" spot for Sovereign Bank had me reaching for the rewind button. My new best friends at something called Stop & Shop were giving away ten 32-ounce Gatorades for only $10, while I'm guessing that Xtra Mart moved a lot more of their pre-made sandwiches in their commercial than anyone would ever eat in real life. The Yankees/Red Sox scratch game with the dueling bobbleheads on either shoulder was kind of clever, but all of the in-house spots for Sox Appeal were, well…whatever the opposite of "clever" is. Multiplied by, like, a jillion.

AFLAC Trivia Question: There wasn't one! C'mon, NESN. You'll sell ad time to the dual sponsored "Olympia Sports Presents the Boston Globe Pre-Game Show", but nothing for the duck? You know the drill.

Final Grade: 24 23.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Oakland A's

Game: Los Angeles Angels vs. Oakland A's
Date: July 13
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Glen Kuiper
Color Commentator: Ray Fosse
Token Hotness Near the Dugout: Jaymee Sire

As most of y'all know, in spite of my unabashed adoration for the A's, I've never lived in the Bay Area. As a result, I don't have any sepia-toned romantic attachments to their past broadcasters. Through old VHS season highlight tapes, I know that Lon Simmons' "Tell it goodbye!" home run calls were the standard for the late 80s/early 90s team. And, the late Bill King's "Holy Toledo!" catchphrase ruled the A's radio airwaves until his death in 2005. I say all this to demonstrate how I actually can be unbiased about a game that involves the goddamm Angels.

Chemistry: Kuiper and Fosse have been a full time duo since the start of last year. They play off of each other pretty well, but Kuiper doesn't do a good enough job of driving the broadcast. Kuiper defers to Fosse way too much, letting the former A's catcher prattle on with his uncomplicated analysis. In the 4th inning of this game, A's starter Justin Duchscherer put two runners on, slowing the pace of the game to a crawl, which was made worse by the amount of dead air in the booth. Say something, Glen! Grade: 6/10

Knowledge: Fosse's strength as a color commentator lies almost exclusively with his insights on catcher footwork, positioning and pitch recognition. He's surprisingly just OK in breaking down other aspects of the game, often stating the obvious or simply narrating a replay for the viewer. Kuiper seems almost reluctant to overstep his play-by-play boundaries which, to a point, is understandable, but a more frequent dialogue with Fosse doesn't necessarily have to be a debate. Grade: 5.5/10

Enthusiasm: A's LF Jack Cust hit one out and was serenaded with one of Kuiper's typically unpolished home run calls ("That baby's hit well aaaaaaaand GONE!"). Kuiper's voice lacks real urgency, though and he doesn't tailor his delivery to convey tension or drama. Fosse probably loves the A's a little too much, but the liveliest he got here was several seconds of howling laughter when he found out that Supercuts was sponsoring the Dick Williams bobblehead promotion later that month. Supercuts? But, the 1970s A's didn't GET haircuts! Get it?! Grade: 5.5/10

Bar Stool Q: I actually met Fosse on an elevator in Anaheim during the summer of '99. I've had my fill, thank you. It's not that he's not a nice guy (he is)…it's just that he's an old school ex-ballplayer who I'm sure still subscribes to the cone of silence policy outside the clubhouse. I mean, if I can't get the poop on those psychedelic '70s A's teams, what's the point in buying him a beer? Kuiper's clearly a company man, too, but since his company is my company, he can come along. Grade: 4.5/10

Camera/Production: The on-field microphone (pretty sure it's on the screen, behind home plate) didn't appear to be on for the first few innings. A's crowds aren't big, but they're loud and with all the dead air, it was like listening in on a morgue, at times. The number of crowd shots (mostly of fans wearing giveaway Dave Stewart jerseys) got tedious, quickly. Points though for the "flashback" segment that featured Mark McGwire's 1992 Home Run Derby eruption. Personally, a fun memory and made more enjoyable since the broadcasters raved about his strength and power without mentioning the elephant in the room. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: Fosse isn't as bad as the Angels' Rex Hudler, but, then again, the Wonder Dog is in a class by himself. In the fifth inning, Duchscherer was obviously getting squeezed by the home plate umpire, yet on one pitch that missed the corner by a good six inches, Fosse exasperatedly sighed, "I don't know where THAT was." Earlier in the game, the first few innings of Fosse and Kuiper were an extended oral resume of Duchscherer's All-Star credentials ("I don't know HOW he's lost five games!") Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: The A's "100% Baseball" ad campaign isn't as clever as in past seasons, but my son gets a kick out of it. The recruiting spots for the Contra Costa Sheriff's Department were…quite something. And, the new "Get Your Smokey On" commercials are another fine marketing example of African-American slang being manipulated…10 years after everyone stopped saying it.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Which A's pitchers won 20+ games with Oakland in more than one season?" (My answer: Dave Stewart, Catfish Hunter, Vida Blue; Correct answer: same) Pfft…challenge me, AFLAC...4 for 9

Final Grade: 19

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Pittsburgh Pirates

Game: Houston Astros at Pittsburgh Pirates
Date: July 7
Network: Fox Sports Net-Pittsburgh

Play-by-Play: Greg Brown
Color Commentator: Steve Blass

If you're ever amongst friends and the subject of "most underappreciated teams of the last 20 years" comes up, you could do a lot worse than referencing the 1990-92 Pittsburgh Pirates. They fell short in the NLCS in each year, but those Bonds-Van Slyke-Bonilla led lineups were at or near the top of the league in OBP and SLG, while Doug Drabek anchored an outstanding, if ever-changing rotation. Now, in the 15th year of their rebuilding plan, it blows my mind that I'm one of those guys who's old enough to remember when perennially bad teams used to be good. I'm depressed. Not, "Pirates fan depressed", but still…

Chemistry: Brown, who sounds an awful lot like former A's play-by-play guy Greg Papa, is paired with Blass, 68, a former Pirates hurler and the most famous victim of Steve Blass Disease. Listening to Blass, I was reminded of Billy Crystal's father-in-law in Forget Paris. It didn't help that Blass seemed unable to pick up on any of the verbal cues from Brown unless they were placed on a tee. Blass repeatedly stepped all over Brown's call of the game and seemed unsure of when and when not to talk. Grade: 3/10

Knowledge: I really don't want this to sound like elder abuse, but here are a few examples of Blass' "expert analysis"…regarding OF Nate McClouth's All Star nod ("It's absolutely condoned [sic]."); regarding a Carlos Lee home run ("Everyone knows that this one's out of here."); and, my favorite, on filling out an injury-depleted rotation ("When you're in a desperate situation, you're looking for pitchers who aren't atrocious.") Credit where it's due, both Brown and Blass predicted the Pirates would hit Astros SP Runelvys Hernandez pretty hard. As of this writing, his career ERA is 5.50, so neither one is exactly Nostradamus. Grade: 3.5/10

Enthusiasm: Well, it's not like they've had much to cheer about lately in the Steel City, but the most animated either man got was when they droned on and on about McClouth's selection to the All Star Game. Y'know, guys, they DO take at least one player from each team. Blass also woke up for a rambling dissertation on players who don't appreciate the All Star Game, while Brown got irked over third basemen who bare-hand slow rollers up the line. Jesus, Pirates, hurry up and start winning. You're driving the broadcasters cuckoo. Grade: 3.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Throughout a pretty fun slugfest, Brown and Blass amused themselves with a couple of "separated at births" (Mark Loretta and Davis Love III; Hunter Pence and Jim Furyk) and actually used the nickname "Doug E. Fresh" for 3B Doug Mientkiewicz. Put it this way: my BAC would have to be twice that of your average Pittsburgh resident (at this very moment) for me to want to be seen in public with these people. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: Nothing could top the pregame video montage of former Pirates selected to the All Star Game: Lloyd Waner, Vince DiMaggio, Matty Alou, Andy Van Slyke, Brian Giles…and Nate McClouth. Umm, I think you could've done a better job picking names, FSN-Pittsburgh producers and, again…someone from your team HAD to go, damn it! Grade: 5/10

Homerism: On one hand, neither Brown nor Blass are obviously pumping their pom-poms. On the other, Blass' pandering, political caveats before any criticism ("Not to take anything away from…" or "I got nothing against…") further blunted what was already a dull perspective. They did spend a minute or two criticizing the Pirates for hitting their pitcher eighth, but after SP Phil Dumatrait smoked an RBI single, they changed their tune. Grade: -3

Commerciality: A place called (wait for it)… The Baseball Card Castle bought FSN ad time! Baseball cards! In 2008! Oh, Pittsburgh…may your epidemic of blackened lungs and the depressed local economy never keep you from collecting. Something called Gus Groundhog hypes the Pennsylvania State Lottery, while The Rust Belt's getting a ton of mileage out of the same anti-Obama spot that ran during the Reds game I reviewed. FSN does have a pretty clever, self-deprecating series with some Pirates players.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Which road park has Lance Berkman hit the most home runs?" (My answer: Wrigley Field; Correct answer: Great American Ballpark) 3 for 8

Final Grade: 13

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Toronto Blue Jays

Game: Toronto Blue Jays at Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Date: May 31
Network: Rogers SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Jaime Campbell
Color Commentator: Rance Mulliniks

From what I can gather, Rogers SportsNet is the very loose equivalent to Fox Sports Net for Canada. More specifically, they're competing with TSN, which ESPN owns a stake in and airs a nationally-branded Sportscentre. If you're not confused yet, know that RSN (the one ESPN doesn't partially own) airs the ESPN feed of Sunday Night Baseball. OK, then. Quite honestly, the thing I'm most looking forward to are the commercials. I discovered Canada's delicious secret – Ketchup Flavored Lay's Potato Chips – during my 2006 family vacation in Vancouver and I'm hopeful they'll get some deserved ad time.

Chemistry: For those scoring at home, Campbell is Canadian and Mulliniks spent 10 years with the Blue Jays as a third baseman/spare part. Both are so unspeakably bland that they almost accidentally make it work in the same way a two scoop vanilla cone is often tastier than it looks. There was a reference to 18th century folk band The Mamas and the Papas ("California Dreamin", I think) that appeared to get them both gushy on the air. Later, an impromptu lesson on staying square when bunting turned into a "hip to be square" joke. You could almost hear them high-fiving each other for getting that one in. On an unrelated note, I've never felt Blacker in my life. Grade: 6/10

Knowledge: Both Campbell and Mulliniks read right from the media stat sheet that's often included with the price of a program ("Garret Anderson is 8 for his last 38", etc.). Mulliniks also mispronounced "Izturis" for the whole game, calling him "Izzituris" (instead of "itz-TUR-is"). I mean, I get that it's not "Smith", but come on. I could've done without the usual David Eckstein pro-small ball nonsense, but the little pixie was playing in Anaheim for the first time since he left as a free agent, so I'll allow it. Grade: 4/10

Enthusiasm: In a really nice touch that I wish more broadcast teams would emulate, Campbell and Mulliniks stayed quiet for Eckstein's introduction so the viewers could hear the P.A. guy and the crowd response. OK, maybe not "enthusiasm" in the truest sense, but it does show a love for the game and an appreciation for the fans. Otherwise, they were just kind of blah. The whole jet-lagging road trip, low-scoring Angels win in 10 innings thing probably didn't help. Grade: 4.5/10

Bar Stool Q: The demographics of 90% of my department within the cubicled confines of the Unnamed Defense Contractor are well-represented by Campbell and Mulliniks. And, there's a reason why I don't drink with most of them. Let's give them a point for the assumption that they could at least charge an evening out on the expense account. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: Flipping through my notes, I couldn't find one thing I wrote about the broadcast qualities, good or bad. Much like either umpiring or a meal at McDonald's, I guess that's about all one can ask for. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Nearly a month after he'd been released, Campbell and Mulliniks threw erstwhile Blue Jay Frank Thomas under the bus one more time. They toed the nonsensical company line that without Thomas, the team had "more flexibility" in that addition-by-subtraction style that's always used with unappreciative players of a certain…moving on. Grade: -7

Commerciality: Surreal to see Budweiser advertisements on Canadian TV. Aside from the whole American beer vs. Canadian beer thing, I remember back to our Vancouver trip, as it was impossible to even find beer. We ended up paying $16(US) for a six pack of Sam Adams. $16(US)! There were a couple of dated spots that "introduced" McDonald's Angus burgers. I couldn't find the real commercials, but get with the program, Canada…those funny tasting Mickey D's meat patties have been in the States for over a year. And, in an awesome recruiting ad that could never air in America; the Canadian Forces were shown with weapons drawn in variously staged "hot spots".

AFLAC Trivia Question: None. I assume this American sponsorship is a casualty of that whole national health care they have up there. Between this and their plentiful harvest of condiment chips, I wish I was Canadian. Well, Western Canadian. From the months of May to September. Early September.

Final Grade: 13.5

TBG Eats: Burger King's Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp

After an especially frustrating week with the Unnamed Defense Contractor, a co-worker and I decided to shave off some functioning years from our livers. My two 20-ounce "tall" Sam Adams were chased with a bourbon-based cocktail then, in no condition to drive, I drove off to fetch dinner.

And, unfortunately, my car was involved in a tragedy. Location: the drive-thru speaker at Burger King, where I opted to order the newest member of BK's Tendercrisp line of chicken sandwiches.

It's about a five minute drive from Burger King to Stately Bootleg Manor. Not exactly a killer commute or anything, but it's long enough for the contents of a hot sandwich to melt and meld together, as the finest representatives of our four food groups go for a swim within a sea of grease…inside a bag.

When I unwrapped this bad boy, I noticed that none of the heavily-trumpeted three cheeses had morphed from their original square processed form. My first bite had the same bitter, off-putting taste as the second worst fast food I've ever reviewed. I'm not sure what's in the dairy products at the Hamburger King, but someone needs to check the expiration date. Believe it or not, the curdled milk even overpowered the presence of bacon. Bacon!

So, let's summarize: served cold, this breaded chicken breast is topped with three rancid cheeses, lettuce, tomatoes and some lazy bacon that just lays there without attempting to save this sandwich.

It's too late for me, kids. Save yourselves.

Grade: -5 (out of 5)

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Kansas City Royals

Game: Kansas City Royals at Oakland A's
Date: July 28
Network: FSN-Kansas City

Play-by-Play: Ryan Lefebvre
Color Commentator: Frank White
Not the WCW Goldberg: Joel Goldberg

Back in the day, the Royals were actually a pretty dominating force in the old American League West. But, my favorite moments came from those 1987-1990 Royals teams that unleashed Bo Jackson onto the baseball diamond. This was a time before sabermetrics, when all of us could just watch a 30 home run/20 stolen base force-of-nature rack up the strikeouts, throw out runners from the warning track and make all of us wonder if he was the greatest athlete we'd ever seen. Today, he'd be derided for his low OBP and his inability to stay healthy. Life was pretty good back then.

Chemistry: Lefebvre and White play pretty well off of each other. There were moments throughout the game when one was obviously sharing an inside dig at the other's expense, but they kept their collective focus on the field for the most part. At times, Lefebvre lobbed some obvious softballs White's way in order to engage him more and draw him into a conversation, but it kept the dead air down and made for good listening. Grade: 7/10

Knowledge: White is the greatest second baseman in Royals history and one of the best fielders of his era, so it should be no surprise that his insightful critique of the Royals infielders on a relay throw from the outfield was accurate and easy to understand. He's also a former manager in the Kansas City farm system and repeatedly dropped in gems on some of the players he managed with and against. White's dissection of a poor throw from 3B Alex Gordon actually sounded credible, even as he explained the physics of the ball's flight. Lefebvre got in on the action, too, calling out A's LF Eric Patterson for his maddeningly long swing and discussing the consequences of over-swinging with White. Grade: 7.5/10

Enthusiasm: Both men have a handle on the small-town Midwestern way to call a game. It's not that they're unenthusiastic, it's just that Lefebvre and White let the game speak for itself without trying to be bigger than the action. Lefebvre's home run call might best be described as "conversational". White has a measured energy, but a flat delivery. Grade: 5.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Lefebvre was in the news recently after running afoul of Milton Bradley's temper. I only read accounts of that broadcast and the subsequent near-incident, but I'm pretty much on record as someone who sees through the media's double-standard with certain players' "struggles". White played during the '70s and '80s in one of the most anonymously great baseball cities in America. My guess is that he also knows where to buy the best barbecue in Missouri. Those are some damn fine credentials, kids. Grade: 5.5/10

Camera/Production: It was a typically cool summer night in Oakland and the Kansas City crew treated viewers to numerous shots of fans wrapped in blankets, knit hats and hooded sweatshirts. Really, guys, I'm sorry your home base is a more humid version of hell, but I didn't need to see all of the bundled-up huddled masses after every out. According to my notes, Joel Goldberg only made one in-game appearance from the stands. In a nine-inning game, that sounds like the right ratio. Grade: 4.5/10

Homerism: Despite a 4-1 win, the Royals made a few mistakes and both broadcasters weren't afraid to say so. Frank White did seem to take too much offense to A's OF Carlos Gonzalez being compared to former Royal Carlos Beltran and the entire top of the sixth inning was a George Brett love-fest (with nary a word about how he cowardly sat on his BA on the final day of the 1990 season to beat Rickey Henderson for the batting title.) As long as America knows who the true champion is. Grade: -4

Commerciality: The good people at Sonic continue to tease me. Now, they've got an Angus burger on their extensive menu. What can I, as a Californian, do to get a damn franchise out here?! We do, however, have Carl's Jr. in Cali…except it's called "Hardee's" in Missouri. We also have a Green Burrito chain out here that's been co-branded within some Carl's Jr. Restaurants. In Missouri, they're known as Red Burrito. It's f'n' Bizarro World. There was also another anti-Obama spot, this time blaming him for the high gas prices. Only three more months of this nonsense – from both sides of the fence.

AFLAC Trivia Question: None. None! This is an outrage. Half a point deduction, Kansas City. And, YOU can explain to your fans why.

Final Grade: 26 25.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Cincinnati Reds

Game: Washington Nationals at Cincinnati Reds
Date: July 6
Network: Fox Sports Net-Ohio

Play-by-Play: George Grande
Color Commentator: Chris Welsh

In the third inning of this game, Grande and Welsh shared the microphone with 8-year-old Adam Bender. His is a truly inspirational story as he lost a leg to cancer, plays Little League baseball and threw out the ceremonial first pitch in this game. He was also extremely nervous and answered every question with either a one-word response or silence. It was the most awkward half inning you'll ever hear, which was prolonged into sheer audio agony as the Nats scored three. Even though there's really no place for this in my scoring system, let's hope it doesn't warp my opinion. Sorry, Adam. And, I'm sorry you live in Kentucky.

Chemistry: Grande is a former ESPN anchor, while Welsh, "the crafty left-hander", pitched for a handful of teams in the early 1980s. They've been together for 15 years and mesh well enough, I suppose. Neither one seemed able to set the other up during their game-long dialogue, but they didn't stumble over each other and both men knew their roles. Still, am I the only one who thinks that "just OK" is somewhat unacceptable after a decade and a half on the air? Grade: 6/10

Knowledge: Welsh often falls into that "tells me what's happening, instead of why it's happening" trap. He threw around words like "confidence" and "demeanor" and "some kind of grinder" to describe the early effectiveness of Nats' SP Collin Balester and not once did we hear HOW he was carving up the Reds through the first few innings. Grande screwed up a Reds runner's identity on the basepaths and lost track of the batting order immediately afterwards, but he (or his producer) caught himself pretty quickly. Grade: 3.5/10

Enthusiasm: Grande goes through the motions for the most part. His home run call on an Adam Dunn bomb was, "…that's a shot, yesiree, Dunn's done it again!" Really, that's what I'd expect a Reds fan to be screaming from the bleachers. Welsh reminds me of FOX broadcaster Kevin Kennedy – wooden and bland, but with a 60% smaller hat size. Grade: 4/10

Bar Stool Q: Grande is one of those guys whose been at this for so long that he's what you'd call "mechanically polished". He's probably the nicest guy in the world, but not someone I'd wanna enjoy a 3-way with. What's worse, I sincerely doubt he'd even get that play on words in the last sentence. Welsh seemed a little cranky at times (he got all prickly at some Reds fans who criticized the "backwards flag" on the team's holiday camouflage uniforms, telling them to "do their research"). I'll pass on him, too. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: The Nats' defense didn't get an on-screen graphic until the bottom of the 2nd. There was a typo on the screen that mixed up the possessive apostrophe "s" thingie…long a pet peeve of mine. Otherwise, what you see is what you get from the FSN family of affiliates. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: During the game, I wasn't always sure if Grande was showing overt bias for the Reds or if he was just missing some of the action on the field. With the bases loaded, Reds 2B Brandon Phillips scooped a groundball and cost his team a double play when he thought about throwing home – a clear brain cramp that Grande called as Phillips "having trouble getting the ball out of his glove". Welsh called former Reds OF Wily Mo Peña a "5 o'clock hitter" and I'm betting he was never that honest when Peña played in Cincinnati. Welsh did relay a story about former Reds RP Jeff Shaw and his falling out with the team, presenting only Shaw's side. Grade: -5

Commerciality: Lots of local flavor on the broadcast, including Skyline Chili, a Cincinnati staple. Out there, it's served on top of spaghetti with shredded cheddar cheese. I can't think of a better way to make canned chili taste less delicious, Cincy. Way to go. There was also an anti-Obama ad, which was notable because it implied McCain would be better for our environment – a decades-old Republican concern. I couldn't find it online, so here's a reasonable facsimile. But, the BEST commercial of the day (and the early leader for this entire series) was a spot for FarmersOnly.com. Everyone must see this ad at least once in their lives.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Name the only two Reds pitchers to lead the team in ERA for five straight seasons. (My answer: Jose Rijo/Mario Soto; Correct answer: Jose Rijo/Noodles Hahn) They had to go to 1900 to stump me. Well played, FSN-Ohio, well played. 3 for 7

Final Grade: 13.5

TBG Eats: Jack in the Box's Chicken Biscuit(s)

As I pulled into the Jack in the Box drive-thru last Saturday, I was actually in the market for JitB's new Nacho Cheese Burger and Nacho Cheese Chicken Sandwich – one of each, actually. Unfortunately, it seems that the San Diego-based Jack in the Box corporation (JBX on the New York Stock Exchange: 23.04 +1.12 - corporate offices less than a mile from Mrs. Bootleg's place of employment) has drawn an imaginary nacho cheese boundary around Los Angeles and Orange Counties.

The unintelligible Eastern European accent from the drive-thru speaker box informed me that neither Nacho Cheese sammich was available in San Diego. Blasphemy! How can a city so steeped in Hispanic history NOT sell such a tasty-looking combination of cheap eats and ersatz ethnicity?!

I had a "Plan B", however.

JitB has been marketing its new "Homestyle Chicken" line of sandwiches and recently expanded into the "chicken biscuits for breakfast" field. Just as I was about to order one, I noticed that I could opt for a "Spicy Chicken Biscuit". I called another audible at the line of scrimmage and went spicy, instead.

Meh. Jack's biscuit was a billion times better than I remembered – hot, soft and still steaming. But, the "spicy" chicken breast wasn't even spicy by Americanized fast food standards. I'd call it a draw with the McDonald's version: edible, but not memorable.

On Tuesday, with Mrs. Bootleg and the boy out of the house until the early evening, I went back to The Box for the Homestyle Chicken Biscuit. And, over the course of 72 hours, we go from "meh" to "mmmmm". (Shaddap…it's late, that's all I got.)

The biscuit was as stellar as the one from Saturday, while the chicken was crisp, flavorful and not the processed-to-death Mickey D's poultry. It's not as filling as it should be, but get it with JitB's teeny sack of hash brown sticks to top off the cholesterol cocktail.

Also, I ordered these during "dinner" hours, so it was a relatively lengthy wait in the drive-thru while they fired up the biscuit oven. Just keep this in mind if you plan on squeezing one in between quittin' time and meat loaf night with the wife, Fatty.

Grade (Homestyle Chicken Biscuit): 4

Grade (Spicy Chicken Biscuit): 2.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: New York Mets

Game: Philadelphia Phillies at New York Mets
Date: July 23
Network: SportsNet New York (SNY)

Play-by-Play: Gary Cohen
Color Commentator: Ron Darling
Color Commentator: Keith Hernandez
Completely Unnecessary Fourth Guy in the Stands: Kevin Burkhardt

Hey, it's Ron Darling! Mets fans surely remember him for his wonderful career in Queens – most notably starting games 1, 4 and 7 of the 1986 World Series and recording a 1.53 ERA in the process. He also pitched in Oakland with my A's from 1991-95. I'll remember him for winning his first three decisions…then losing his next seven and hastening the team's '91 collapse. He won 15 in 1992 thanks to good run support and took no-hitters late into games against the Blue Jays over two starts in July. Candy Maldonado broke 'em both up. How do I remember this stuff?

Chemistry: Among the many problems inherent with the three-man booth is that the play-by-play guy is forced into the role of traffic cop. Hernandez and Darling have completely different approaches to commentary (the latter is insanely long-winded, the former more curt and cantankerous) so Cohen is left to feed his broadcast colleagues the proper set-ups without stepping on two sets of toes. The Cohen/Darling rapport flows more freely than any combination with Hernandez, who sounds content to cash a paycheck solely off of his reputation as a former Mets player. Now I know what his 1990 season in Cleveland was like. Grade: 5/10

Knowledge: Hernandez used the word "hustle" three different times to describe Phillies OF Shane Victorino and that was only in his first two at-bats. He also dredged up tired clichés like "gamer" and "winning player". Meanwhile, Darling had LOTS to say on how a pitcher makes adjustments when he's wild high. Oddly, though, when I wanted Darling to talk (he made repeated references to "pitching inside/outside of the ball") he offered no explanation. This happened a lot, as Darling would do well to balance his points, instead of isolating his soliloquies on certain subjects. Cohen, for the most part, kept his mouth shut when he wasn't telling me what I was already watching. Grade: 5.5/10

Enthusiasm: The night before this game, Mets SP Johan Santana was controversially removed from a start after eight innings. The Mets went on to lose and, literally, nearly half of this game was spent passionately discussing whether it was a good move. I guess this type of extended second guessing appeals to the locals, but it often got in the way of the broadcast. Burkhardt was even chiming in from the stands on the subject. Come on. As for the game, Mets SS Jose Reyes went deep in the sixth and Cohen properly captured the drama of the moment (even if it was still July). Hernandez really sounds like he'd rather be anywhere else, though. Grade: 6.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Darling actually dropped in references to an isosceles triangle and the Pythagorean Theorem, so I'm sold…even if he's just Tim McCarver sans stroke. Here are a few things Hernandez bitched about during the broadcast: the "quality start" stat, home plate umpire Angel Hernandez, Phillies SP Brett Myers' stubbornness and "people who've never played the game". Does he even like baseball, anymore? Cohen hilariously voiced over a pre-game shot of the Empire State Building with "don't jump!" after the tough loss the night before and, I think, could really be entertaining without Hernandez dragging everyone down. Grade: 6.5/10

Camera/Production: Former Mets manager Willie Randolph famously blasted the SNY production team, but this Black manager liked what he saw: timely replays, multiple angles and some GREAT reaction shots of Reyes as he pimped around the bases. Unfortunately, someone thought it would fun to send Burkhardt out to interview "the Geico Caveman". It was truly the most excruciating 60 seconds in the history of broadcast television. And, yes, I've seen African-American bystanders interviewed on the local news. Grade: 7/10

Homerism: Keith Hernandez is, not surprisingly, the worst of the lot. He all but accused the home plate umpire of intentionally showing up the home team. Darling and Cohen aren't exactly calling it down the middle, but both seemed open to criticizing the Mets on points such as their recent baserunning blunders. Honestly, I can't say I've heard too many games where the home team is almost the sole topic of discussion. It seemed everything out of the broadcasters' mouths was related to what the Mets are doing or what they did the night before. Grade: -6

Commerciality: Loved the Derek Jeter "Jeter's got an Edge" Ford spot. Outside of baseball, do you think Jeter even knows that many Black people? On the other end of the spectrum, the promos for Loudmouths (a PTI rip-off with two crusty old New Yorkers) and Daily News Live (a less evolved version of "Around the Horn") make me glad I live on the West Coast.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "What two Mets starting pitchers have thrown the most complete games this decade?" (My answer: Tom Glavine, John Maine (sorry, Daniels, I drew a complete blank); Correct answer: Al Leiter, Steve Trachsel) 3 for 6

Final Grade: 24.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Game: Oakland A's at Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Date: July 2
Network: Fox Sports Net West

Play-by-Play: Steve Physioc
Color Commentator: Rex Hudler

Over the years, I think I've done an admirable job of hiding my disgust for the Angels and their know-nothing bandwagon fans. Still, it might surprise you to know that there are some things Angels-related that I can appreciate. For instance, even with 40,000+ fans in attendance at Angel Stadium, there's not an easier parking/exiting experience in the league. Oh, and I loved their uniforms from 1993-1996. I'm disclosing all of this to let you know that I'm keeping an open mind about the team's sh*tty broadcasters.

Chemistry: Physioc has been doing play-by-play for more than 25 years and, as a result, knows the proper pacing of a baseball broadcast like the back of his hand. Unfortunately, Physioc is also tasked with ducking and dodging the uncontrollable bombast of his color man, former big leaguer Rex Hudler. It'd be lazy and clichéd to say Hudler analyzes a game in the same insane way that he played, but it'd also be true. Physioc is the narrator, Hudler is the cartoonish buffoon and – absent of any context – the two make a good team. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: Hudler played in the Majors for nearly 15 seasons and was often cast as "David Eckstein v1.0" by fans and media. Not surprisingly, he plays up ridiculous myths like "productive outs" and views the game from the same 1860s prism as former rec-league manager C. Montgomery Burns. Hudler is capable of real insight (damned if he didn't make perfect sense while breaking down a groundball's "topspin"), but I'll take away one moment from this game: Hudler pointed out that Angels' SP Joe Saunders had allowed 10 stolen bases on the season. Physioc asked, "In how many attempts?" After a long pause, Hudler came back with, "Well, he's got five caught stealings. I couldn't find attempts." Physioc isn't nearly as awful. Grade: 4/10

Enthusiasm: While both guys overtly root, root, root for the home team, Hudler can be absolutely insufferable at times. He and Physioc drifted into a bizarre sidebar about all of the newborns the Angels' players' wives were squirting out – with the passion of a walk-off home run call. Then, at the end of one of Hudler's numerous in-game pep talks for any kids in the audience, he ended with "…play hard and do good in school". Physioc's home run calls aren't the grating scream-fests of a Hawk Harrelson, but it's pretty damn close. Grade: 9/10

Bar Stool Q: During the "Coors Light Freeze Cam" segment, Hudler gushed that a cold Coors Light sure sounded…wait, let me check my notes…"delicious". Points for the publicly broadcast love of alcohol, but demerits for the brand. And, I doubt that Physioc would be seen with Hudler anywhere outside the broadcast booth. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: FSN West uses a super slow motion "X-Mo" camera that does a good job of breaking down moments frame by frame. Late in the game, Hudler compared Angels 2B Howie Kendrick's swing with A's OF Emil Brown's. One half inning later, there was a split-screen with both swings.
Grade: 6.5/10

Homerism: There are maybe three broadcasters who are going to single-handedly ruin their ratings with this one category…and, yes, Rex Hudler is on the list. He spent several minutes creaming over SP John Lackey's recognition as June's AL Pitcher of the Month with lines like "Lackey is on track-y!" And, even though he openly rooted for the Angels during a late rally, it was Physioc who attempted to mock the A's aversion to the sac bunt by pointing out that they "only" had 13 on the season, which he then proudly compared to the Angels'…13. Grade: -9.5

Commerciality: Boring. Nothing here but your national fast food chains, car manufacturers and FSN programming ads. There were a couple of spots for Sparks WNBA basketball and a few featuring Angels' manager Mike Scioscia for a local electronics chain that were unintentionally hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Who was the only LHP to win 20 games in a season for the Angels? (My answer: no clue; Correct answer: Clyde Wright) [TBG Note: Hudler lost another half-point for his team as he's one of those broadcasters that takes way too much pride in correctly guessing the answer five seconds after the question appears on screen.] 3 for 5

Final Grade: 19.5 19

TBG's Sounds of Summer: San Diego Padres

Game: New York Mets at San Diego Padres
Date: June 5
Network: Cox 4-San Diego

Play-by-Play: Matt Vasgersian
Color Commentator: Tony Gwynn

Damn it. Thanks to my own stupid rule, I inadvertently ended up with a Padres game that featured Tony Gwynn in the color commentator role usually occupied by former journeyman SP/RP Mark Grant. The Vasgersian/Grant combo is one of my favorites, as neither takes themselves too seriously while being equally adept at dropping in an appropriate reference to 1980s pop music, Tisha Campbell or Disney's "Country Bear Jamboree" as the situation dictates. They haven't always connected with ultra-conservative San Diego, but p*ssing off the prudes in this town is half the fun.

Chemistry: Tony Gwynn is one of the most consistent hitters that I've ever had the pleasure of watching and his induction into the Hall of Fame last summer was a wonderful moment for longtime baseball fans such as myself. That said, Gwynn is a surprisingly rough broadcaster whose charm and personality have never translated into the booth. Vasgersian is hurt most by Gwynn's bland by-the-book approach, as he's forced to spend most of the game pulling even the smallest of observations from Gwynn. Their banter is clunky and forced, which negates the sheer entertainment value that Vasgersian brings when paired with Grant. Grade: 3/10

Knowledge: Vasgersian knows his stuff and is comfortable pointing out game strategies without getting in the way of the color commentator. He also does regional work for the FOX Network's baseball and football broadcasts and it's only a matter of time before a much larger audience is watching him work. Gwynn knows more about hitting than just about anyone, but it doesn't help his broadcast résumé when he's making claims that OF Jody Gerut is just now "getting comfortable" at the big league level (he had more than 1,000 plate appearances in the Majors entering this season) or stating the obvious ("Greg Maddux is a very effective pitcher"). Gwynn did nicely break down a busted hit & run and his analysis on the proper route in tracking fly balls was strong, but Gwynn doesn't analyze enough. Grade: 5/10

Enthusiasm: Gwynn needed his heart restarted a few times as he only really perks up when discussing hitting or if he's vehemently agreeing with an analytical point made by the play-by-play guy, Vasgersian. Meanwhile, considering the pace of the game, Vasgersian's energy was a little more subdued than usual as Padres SP Josh Banks was pitching well and the San Diego offense never really showed up. Grade: 6.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Vasgersian makes semi-regular references to some of those old A's teams and players of the '70s and '80s. He's also funny as hell and a former child actor, so that pretty much seals the deal with me. Gwynn grew up in my hometown of Long Beach, could probably debone a rack of ribs from 50 feet away and, reportedly, has one of the more, umm…"ribald" senses of humor of any athlete out there. I regret that they can't get an eleven. Grade: 10/10

Camera/Production: Cox 4-San Diego was on board the high definition bandwagon pretty early and they've since polished up the production to make for a glossy broadcast experience. On this night, they were a little slow with some replays, but in a tight, low-scoring game, nothing else was missed and the cameras captured a good amount of dugout tensions leading up to a late-inning win. Grade: 7/10

Homerism: Vasgersian is almost entertaining enough to let his rampant bias slide. Almost. As one of the most egregious screamers in all of baseball, he's capable of obliterating eardrums in the event of a walk-off win. And, wouldn't you know it, the Pads won here in the bottom of the ninth on a hit by pitch. The win moved the local nine to 16-28 on the season. Fortunately for their rating here, Mark Grant wasn't in the booth. His constant complaining about umpires makes me glad that Tony Gwynn is still this city's favorite non-threatening Negro. Sorry, LT. Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: Here in San Diego, the Padres games air on a local cable station as opposed to an FSN or Comcast conglomerate. So, as you might expect, the commercials include lots of homespun spots with poor production values and oodles of unintentional comedy. You'll be equally unsurprised to know that Chargers RB "Classy" Tomlinson appears in, what seems like all of them. He sells fake grass, pizza, spas and HD TVs. Watch all four spots and see if you can actually pick the worst one. G'head, I'll wait. If you thought he was insufferable before…

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who was the first pick in the first-ever amateur baseball draft in 1965?" (My answer: Rick Monday; Correct answer: same) 3 for 4 [TBG Note: Yeah, yeah...I know how this looks, but really...next to "Who broke the color barrier?" this might be the most often asked baseball trivia question out there.]

Final Grade: 25

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Detroit Tigers

Game: Detroit Tigers at Oakland A's
Date: June 3
Network: FSN-Detroit

Play-by-Play: Mario Impemba
Color Commentator: Rod Allen

Despite the Tigers rich baseball history, my memories of the team can be boiled down to three things: (1) the 1984 team that started 35-5 and won the World Series. (2) Lance Parrish, the catcher on that '84 team, appearing on Diff'rent Strokes to help Sam play better baseball. (And, yes, I'm in clear violation of the "no one acknowledges the Sam/Maggie years" of that show.) (3) Cecil Fielder's 51 home run season in 1990. This was a pretty big deal back then, kids, as evidenced by HUGE bump in Fielder's rookie cards.

Chemistry: Impemba used to broadcast Angels games on the radio and he's as bland as I remembered. Rod Allen is even more vanilla, which makes for a cliché-filled viewing experience. Still, it's not like their patter was painful on the ears or anything. In fact, one of my favorite moments of this feature occurred when Allen was lamenting the lack of Black pitchers in the big leagues thusly: "There's just not that many bruthas pitching today." Impemba incredulously responded, "Did you just say 'bruthas'?" Baseball broadcasts need more casual racial slang. Grade: 6.5/10

Knowledge: If you've watched as many A's games called by the other team's broadcasters as I have, you've come to learn the predictable checklist of talking points that must be covered. Sure enough, Impemba and Allen jumped right into the expansive foul territory in Oakland and the difficultly in hitting a ball out at night. Oh, and in case you didn't know, A's GM Billy Beane is working with a shoestring budget, which leads to a lot of roster turnover. Rod Allen had some nice insight on how hitters prepare against a pitcher they've never seen before, but a point he made about 3B Miguel Cabrera "quieting his hands" before he swings (a change since coming over from Florida) would've been more relevant with a "before" and "after" example onscreen. Grade: 5/10

Enthusiasm: Allen's uninspiring delivery sounds even flatter when aligned with Impemba's over-polished, paint-by-numbers vocal style. What little enthusiasm they generated over the air on this night was muted and almost mechanical. Once SP Dontrelle Willis left the game after four innings, the wind really seemed to be let out of their sails. This game was the eighth of a nine-game, three city West Coast road trip for Detroit, so maybe they were just really sleepy. Grade: 3/10

Bar Stool Q: Allen played in 31 games spread across three seasons over the course of his brief big league career. He logged time with two of the worst franchises of the 1980s ('83 Mariners, '88 Indians) and, arguably, the best team of the decade ('84 Tigers). I doubt he was in any of those places long enough to rack up some good stories, but who knows? Maybe he's got some dirt on Cory Snyder or Spike Owen. I'd buy him a beer to hear those (domestic, happy hour pricing only). Impemba's a bald, unassuming man who looks like the middle manager no one in the office invites to happy hour. Grade: 4.5/10

Camera/Production: As this was Dontrelle Willis' first start for the Tigers after coming off of the DL, most of the focus was on him…and his family. Willis' mother and grandmother (the whole family is from Oakland) were in the stands and I counted TEN reaction shots of the pair over the course of Willis' four innings pitched. Impemba and Allen would chime in with melodramatic quips after each one like, "I think she's praying for his health" and "Isn't [watching your child struggle] a helpless feeling?!" Outside of this, it was an unspectacular, but watchable evening for the camera crew. Still, the over-saturation of Willis women early on hurt the whole show. Grade: 3.5/10

Homerism: Allen gently chastised Miguel Cabrera for taking a 2-0 fastball right down the heart of the plate, while Impemba lamented the Tigers bullpen letting the A's back into a game that the Tigers should've won. Still, the treatment of Willis' return to the rotation as some sort of Prodigal Son nonsense was clearly meant to play the P.R. card with the fans back home. Grade: -6

Commerciality: I grew up on Little Caesar's Pizza (Pizza), but these days they don't do much of any advertising outside of the Midwest. Good to see the brand is still alive. The remains of Richard Petty pimp Marathon Gas and I'm reminded of that classic Larry David line: "Only two types of people wear sunglasses indoors: blind people and assh*les." Meijer Apple Juice had a terrific ad involving doctors in a delivery room, while the creepiest ad I've seen in awhile featured "Tire Man" for Belle Tires.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who were the last two African-American pitchers to win 20 games in a season?" (My answer: Dave Stewart, Dontrelle Willis; Correct answer: same) 2 for 3

Final Grade: 16.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: San Francisco Giants

Game: San Francisco Giants at Oakland A's
Date: June 29
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Duane Kuiper
Color Commentator: Mike Krukow
Token Broad Not Allowed in the Booth: Amy Gutierrez

Even though the Giants are the "natural rivals" of my A's, I've always been indifferent towards them. They've got the best looking ballpark of any I've been to and I've enjoyed watching several of their players over the years. That said, most A's fans loathe the pretentious chardonnay sippers from the other side of the Bay and are in no way represented by those goofy split caps with both team's logos. OK, maybe I do hate 'em a little. On the plus side, every Barry Zito start makes a bit of my bile evaporate.

Chemistry: When a broadcast team is anointed with their own bobblehead dolls, it's easy to concede that the chemistry component is there. Kuiper and Krukow have been together – first, as teammates, then as broadcast partners – for 25 years and there aren't many two-man booths who work as well together. Kuiper loosely plays the straight man, while Krukow's schtick walks along the cusp of corny without ever being too unbearable...for long. There was a surprising amount of dead air between the two, but I can't say I'd want them talking more than they do. Grade: 9/10

Knowledge: Krukow did a fine job of comparing/contrasting A's starter Joe Blanton's pitching motion in the wind-up vs. the stretch. In fact, he made several salient points all afternoon on the subject of pitching mechanics. Before the game, he called Joe Blanton "the best 4-10 pitcher in the league" which barely makes sense even if you consider that Blanton was the only 4-10 pitcher in the league. Krukow also made two predictions during the game which were spot-on: (1) he thought the home plate umpire's strike zone would expand as the game went along (it did) and (2) after Giants DH John Bowker took a called strike, Krukow (in so many words) said Bowker would rake the next pitch. OK, it was two pitches later, but he doubled in two runs. Kuiper referred to A's OF Carlos Gonzalez as "Carlos Gomez" before someone in the truck corrected him. Grade: 8/10

Enthusiasm: In the 2nd inning, morbidly obese Giants catcher Bengie Molina made a nice catch in foul territory (his bosom, in fact, may still be jiggling). Kuiper immediately called this the "play of the day". In the 2nd inning! Krukow's various catchphrases get old really quick ("Grab some pine, meat!" after a strikeout), but I guess I can't fault them in this category. Grade: 8/10

Bar Stool Q: They've got a lot going for them, as Kuiper and Krukow probably know the best spots to get a beer in my favorite American city. While watching both men broadcast, I can't help but think that when the camera's off, these guys can bring the blue humor, too. I guess I'm obligated to hold the whole "Giants" thing against them. Then again, I like chardonnay. Grade: 7/10

Camera/Production: Amy Gutierrez, girl interviewer, has this weird "T" shape thing going on with the connection of her nose to her brow. I wouldn't mention this insensitive and chauvinistic remark if she hadn't talked over an out. Part of the onscreen "scouting report" graphic on Joe Blanton included his favorite food (biscuits n' gravy) and his favorite movie (Dumb & Dumber). The San Francisco Chronicle beat me to the punch, but, yeah…WAY too many crowd shots during the game. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: I'd put Krukow just outside of the Rex Hudler/Hawk Harrelson solar system. Let's call him only moderately obnoxious, as his cheerleading comes in fits and spurts without being a game-long ordeal. Kuiper can be a bit of screamer, but even as the Giants were annihilating the A's and Joe Blanton, he kept his celebrating under control. Grade: -7.5

Commerciality: The Giants' in-house "What Would a Gamer Do" campaign is pretty damn clever (even if "gamer" is lazy lexicon for "terrible ballplayer"). The good people at Comcast cable air "30 second timeout" spots that ostensibly tie to whatever team is playing at the moment. I mention this because someone with Comcast needs to know that the neither team in this game was the San Jose Sabercats of the Arena Football League.

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who is the only player to play for both the A's and Giants and record an RBI against both teams?" (My answer: Rajai Davis; Correct answer: Brent Mayne) 1 for 2

Final Grade: 28.5

TBG's Sounds of Summer: Tampa Bay Rays

Game: Oakland A's at Tampa Bay Rays
Date: July 21
Network: Fox Sports Net – Florida

Play-by-Play: Dewayne Staats
Color Commentator: Joe Magrane
Third Wheel in the Stands: Todd Kalas

Some of you might remember that I visited Central Florida last summer. Since I was actually working, I didn't get a chance to see tourist-gouging staples like Disneyworld, Universal Studios or one of Orlando's 700 Hooters. So, for those of you wondering what there is to see in the middle of "America's Wang", I encourage you to pack up the kids and convince the wife to visit Tampa, just for a glimpse of Rays' play-by-play man Dewayne Staats and his late '70s/early '80s perm-slash-'stache combo. He looks like the guy that Goldie Hawn's character would've married, before realizing she's in love with Charles Grodin's character.

Chemistry: I've heard Magrane's work before and generally enjoy his glib approach to broadcasting, but he seems to be holding himself back with Staats. The two traded dueling, dreadful puns ("Maybe Jack [Cust] did cussed!") early in the game and I couldn't help but think that Magrane would mesh infinitely better with someone who could keep up – such as Padres' PBP guy Matt Vasgersian. Later in the game, Staats read a promo for a post-game LL Cool J concert and Magrane refused to pounce. C'mon…middle-aged white guy hyping a rap concert? That's a lay-up, Joe. Grade: 4/10

Knowledge: Magrane might be the best broadcaster most of you have never heard. There was a busted pick-off move late in the game that he broke down step-by-step. Not surprisingly, as a former pitcher, his insight on the anatomy of a cut fastball was terrific, but I wish he'd expanded on his contention that LHPs are easier to steal on than RHPs. A few minor nits: Magrane mispronounced A's starter Dana Eveland's last name several times and both broadcasters used tired phrases like "blue collar", "grinder", "battler" and "similar to Mike Alstott" to describe the Rays' mediocre fourth outfielder Johnny Gomes. Staats is only good for parroting what's in front of him. Grade: 6.5/10

Enthusiasm: Staats has a measured, restrained passion in his voice that would sound fine for a big-market team that's accustomed to winning. The Rays could use a voice that better captures the excitement of this team and makes viewers want to watch them in person. Magrane is OK, as there are still trace elements of his puckish personality in there, somewhere. Unfortunately, he seems to be trying to hard to fit the cookie-cutter color commentary standard. Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Staats might like all the things I do: appetizer sampler platters, booths rather than tables and beers no darker than me, but his "bar stool quotient" is negated by his "porn star quotient". What if he double-dipped? Can you get VD from ranch dressing? Magrane used to be funny. Still not sure what happened there. Grade: 3/10

Camera/Production: Todd Kalas hosts the pre-game show and I'd be fine if that was the only time we saw him. But, his in-game interview with a couple of kooks looking to prepare Tampa/St. Petersburg for the 21st century (too late, fellas) was long and intrusive. Early on, the director repeatedly shot some of the scantily-clad groupies sitting near the dugouts. Does every woman in Florida look like Hulk Hogan's ex-wife? Finally, is the stadium music really as thunderous as it sounds while watching the game? I like Jay-Z as much as the next guy, but his concerts can't be this loud. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: After the game, I was almost hoping that Staats and Magrane were a little more biased. The Rays have had their lunch money stolen by the rest of the AL for 10 seasons and now, when they should be gloating, the broadcast team seems content to call it down the middle? Grade: -1

Commerciality: This game aired during the "free preview" week of MLB Extra Innings. Unfortunately, that means that most of the local spots were replaced with ads to purchase MLB E.I. for the rest of the season. A few gems still seeped through, though: Rays manager Joe Maddon's unintentionally hilarious "Smoke Free Florida" PSA (they'd light chewing tobacco in Tampa, if they could), the Blue Bell Ice Cream spot assuring viewers that the brand still sells half-gallon tubs (is there a shortage down there?) and an ad for Carrabba's Italian Grill that featured an "Italian" with a molasses-thick southern accent who pronounced "pollo" as "poh-low".

AFLAC Trivia Question: "Who holds the Princeton Devil Rays (Single-A) single season record for home runs in one season?" (My answer: Wes Bankston; Correct answer: same) Don't look at me like that. Bankston is with the A's now and in every game he's played, he's been referred to as "former Rays farmhand Wes Bankston". 1 for 1

Final Grade: 21.5