Things That Could Kill Me

Got a chance to use my "rescue inhaler" today!

Mrs. Bootleg convinced me to go shopping for a new dining room set. Our son, Jalen, had been up since 5:15 AM when he jumped on my scrawny chest and excitedly asked who won the A's/D'Backs game the night before. [TBG Note: Jalen takes A's losses harder than I ever did. The A's record is 15-25 as I type this. Earlier tonight, Oakland blew a 5-1 lead in the eighth inning and then lost the game in the 11th. It's still May. We might lose 100 games. Why don't parenting books address situations like this?]

As you might expect, Jalen – who never takes naps anymore – fell asleep on the 15-minute car ride. Since this was really Mrs. Bootleg's folly, she volunteered to make the initial pass through the show room and promised to send me photos from her cell phone of any sets that caught her eye. I was left in the SUV with the A/C running and Little Boy Bootleg passed out in the back seat.

This seemed like a good idea…until Mrs. Bootleg sent the first picture. I couldn't tell if the frame was black or brown, wood or metal. My texted follow-up questions on the first set were interrupted by a steady stream of more furniture photos from my inspired wife. I lifted my 45-pound sack-of-potatoes sleeping son and walked into the store, so that I could see everything for myself.

We were parked on the second level, so I had to carry the boy down a flight of stairs. I couldn't find my wife (or an elevator) on the first floor, so I scaled a different set of stairs to reach the store's second floor. Jalen was still not moving, save for his head which – like mine – makes up 80% of his weight. No Mrs. Bootleg, so back down the stairs to the first floor. Still with me? I'm breathing a wee bit heavy here and can feel the wheeze a'comin', so I make a break for the car – and UP the goddam stairs, again.

Crisis averted, with the help of my "nerd spray". Two pumps of Albuterol and I was cool in about two minutes. My own medical conclusion: separately, my son and several stairs don't appear to inhibit my health. However, like the various Joker-contaminated toiletries and beauty products in 1989's Batman movie, the two are lethal when combined.

Here now – courtesy of Mrs. Bootleg's independent research – are a few other items that could kill me, now that we've established my allergy to aspirin:

Over-the-counter medications: Alka-Seltzer, Anacin, Bufferin, Doan's, Dristan, Ecotrin, Excedrin, Goody's Headache Powder, Kaopectate, Norwich, Pamprin(!), Pepto-Bismol, Sine-Off, St. Joesph's and Thera-Flu.

Even better, there seems to be a consensus in the medical community that aspirin-related allergies almost always evolve into full-blown food allergies. For those of us who can't tolerate salicylates, here are the most common food offenders:

Fruits: Apples, avocados, blueberries, dates, kiwi fruit, peaches, raspberries, figs, grapes, plums, strawberries, cherries, grapefruit, and prunes.

Vegetables: Alfalfa, cauliflower, cucumbers, mushrooms, radishes, broad beans, eggplant, spinach, zucchini, broccoli, and hot peppers.

Herbs, spices, and condiments: Dry spices and powders, tomato pastes and sauces, vinegar, soy sauce, jams, and jellies.

Beverages: Coffee, wine, beer, orange juice, apple cider, regular and herbal tea, rum, and sherry.

Nuts: Pine nuts, peanuts, pistachios, and almonds.

Some candies: Peppermints, licorice, and mint-flavored gum and breath mints.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to set myself on fire.