People Say I Look Like…

Earlier this week, within the walls of the Unnamed Defense Contractor, one of our rumpled managers descended from the mountaintop in search of my co-worker (and cube neighbor), Austin. Unfortunately, Austin was out of the office, so this manager turned his attention towards me. More specifically, his bifocals were fixed on a picture of me (wearing sunglasses, an A's visor and "retro" Reggie Jackson caricature t-shirt) and my son.

Manager: "Do you golf?"
Me: "I'm the only person in San Diego who's never touched a golf club."

Manager: [Looking back at picture] "Y'know, I really admire him. All that money from Nike and Cadillac…he just seems so humble and genuine."
Me: "…"

It took a few seconds for it to sink in, before I realized this guy thought the picture of me was actually…Tiger Woods. This manager rambled on about Woods for awhile longer before leaving. Naturally, I didn't bother to correct him.

That was the first time anyone had linked my looks – intentionally or not – to Woods, which kind of surprises me. How long has he been Tiger Woods? Since 1996? Maybe '97? I got TWO Barack Obama comps from separate co-workers within a week of each other last summer.

Now, in this PC era, I have to tiptoe through this next sentence or two. Let's just say it's never other African-Americans who are making these awkward, almost always inaccurate comparisons. I never hear 'em from Hispanics, Asians, Samoans, American Indians, Indian Indians or any other non-white ethnicity, either. So, umm…yeah.

But, don't get me wrong, white folk…it's great dinner conversation for us. While we were still dating, someone told Mrs. Bootleg she looked like this former child actress. Of course, she doesn't – hell, if anything, Williams' forehead is much more comparable to mine – but, we threw it on the pile and shared a laugh about it later.

Here now are actual "You know who you look like?" comparisons I've received over the years:

Warren G.: Sigh…15 years ago, I wouldn't have had to explain who the hell this is. You'll have to trust me when I say he was "kind of a big deal". Anyways, I got this one a lot while I was still living in Long Beach. Tell you the truth…in a certain light, I could kind of see this. I'm a little lighter (natch), but we've both got that "less than Afrocentric" nose thing going with almond-shaped eyes that are too goddam far apart.

Kevin Johnson: I think we can all agree that KJ is not an attractive man. So, what made this one hurt even worse was the fact that I've been hit with this comparison TWICE. I mean…he's hideous. I don't see it in the face, but I'll concede that he and I share the same "space alien" head: long and narrow down to our pointy chins, while the back of our domes grotesquely balloon out.

That Black guy on Walker, Texas Ranger: True story: I was at the airport for a business trip to Atlanta. An older gentleman walks right up to me and says I look like "That Black guy on Texas Ranger". I'd heard of the show, but never seen it. And, if you know me, my brain mistakenly defaulted to "That Black Guy on [the] Texas Rangers [baseball team]". I pretended I knew who he was talking about ("Well, I wish I was making HIS money! Hahaha!") and spent a week trying to figure which brutha on the '01 Rangers he was referring to. Darren Oliver? Pat Mahomes?