TBG Eats: The Original Bacon Explosion™

Current Weight: 168.8 lbs.

Here are the top three birthday gifts I've ever received (listed in chronological order):

My First 10-Speed Bike -- On a superficial level, growing up poor kind of sucked. My brother and I never owned name-brand clothes. My mother would add water to anything in hopes of getting a few more days worth of use out of a bottle of shampoo or a pot of chicken soup. And, I remain convinced that we were the last family on earth to own a microwave (1987), a VCR (1990) and an answering machine (1991). Of course, I love my parents. My brother and I never went hungry and always had a roof over our heads. For my 10th birthday, my parents bought me a fire-engine red 10-speed that instantly became the best-looking ride in our entire family. (Our family car at the time was a gold 1982 Subaru hatchback, so...you be the judge.)

Optimus Prime -- My birthday is in late March, but it was during the Christmas before my 11th birthday when I absolutely begged my parents for an Optimus Prime Transformers action figure. He was ONLY the "largest, wisest and strongest of ALL Autobots". So, it was no surprise to learn that he'd easily defeated my mom -- who has always been able to seamlessly transform into a procrastinating black woman during the holiday season. She told me before Christmas that every store in the city was sold out of Optimus Prime. That wasn't nearly as bad as watching my brother unwrap the ONE transformer that he wanted come Christmas morning. (And, THAT wasn't nearly as bad as unwrapping the consolation Xmas Transformer my mother ended up buying for me that year.) Prime finally arrived, roughly three months later, for my 11th birthday.

My Own Apartment -- On my 22nd birthday, I signed the papers for my first apartment. No roommates, no parents...no bed, no cable, no air conditioning. Let's call it a mixed blessing. I'd also just broken up with my girlfriend at the time, as life had handed me a double dose of freedom. (Oh, don't look at me like that. That girl was clinically batsh*t insane -- the kind that would leave voice mails saying, "You didn't call me to say 'good night'." See? Crazy.)

TBG reader and friend of That Bootleg Family, Mr. Brooks, is looking to crack my personal top three b-day gifts. A few weeks ago, a package arrived in the mail containing a bag of dry ice and a vacuum-sealed, fully-cooked product called the Original Bacon Explosion. It's basically a bacon-wrapped, bacon-stuffed Italian sausage loaf. Here, now, is a short film (featuring a member of the hair-band RATT) that better articulates my emotions.

I could read the recipe all day. It includes glorious words and phrases such as "thick cut", "yardbird" and "5 x 5 bacon weave". The pre-packaged finished product is indeed an aesthetically-pleasing image -- a freshly-knitted bacon blanket wrapped snugly around a beautiful biracial sausage n' bacon baby.





Per the instructions, I reheated it at 350 degrees for 40 minutes -- slathered it with most of a bottle of Jack Daniels honey barbecue sauce after the first 30 minutes and lightly drizzled the finished product with honey. The comingled scents of Italian sausage and bacon filled the downstairs of Stately Bootleg Manor. I couldn't help but think of our late cat Whiskers who, at the 20 minute mark, might've tried to climb into the oven. All that remained was the cooling and the cutting. Oh, and the eating.





If you've ever wondered what the clipped, profane phrase "F*** YEAH" translates to in flavor form; it's the salt n' fennel seed combination within the Bacon Explosion. The bacon used here isn't the pretentious high-end pig that gives bacon a bad name. This is good ol' "crispy in some parts, fatty in others" slices of piggy goodness. The bacon weave keeps the loose Italian sausage together as the smokiness of the bacon melds with the light spice of the sausage which nicely holds the sweetness of the barbecue sauce and honey.





This is one of those food items that'll unnecessarily spook all the nutritional prudes out there (I mean, it's not like it's ALL bacon), but if that means more for me, then I'll kindly ask Ezekiel and Ishmael (in accordance with their parents' wishes) to step out into the hall and pray for our souls.


Grade: 5 (out of 5)