Current Weight: 167.6 lbs.
There are a lot of things to love about my wife. Everyone who meets her seems to like her and in all the years we've known each other, she's never once told me about any friends, co-workers or casual acquaintances who didn't get along with her.
To the untrained eye, it would appear I hit the marital lottery.
But, Mrs. Bootleg is not without flaws. At last count – and I am NOT making this up – there were 22 assorted bottles of bath, body and hair care products on the floor of our walk-in shower. Stately Bootleg Manor has 2 ½ bathrooms and when we moved in, I commandeered the one with the double-wide shower since only women and children take baths.
Mrs. Bootleg – sensing that I was enjoying something without her – proceeded to invade my shower's sovereign territory armed with nearly two dozen bottles of caustic chemicals. Before I knew it, I was stepping over 22 oz. plastic explosives filled with shampoos, conditioners and shampoos with conditioner.
There's one other thing about Mrs. Bootleg. God bless her, but she's the single most absentminded woman on earth.
After finalizing plans for our first date, then-Girlfriend Bootleg called me back moments later as she'd forgotten both the time and place where we'd planned to meet. I thought this was just precious. Years later, I came home from work to find dinner in the process of burning and Mrs. Bootleg nowhere to be found. Turns out she was upstairs on the phone with her girlfriend and shopping online. I found this to be the antithesis of precious.
Late last month, I told my wife that I was leaving work early to get haircuts for me and my son. I told her about my plans – leave work at 2:45 PM, pick up Jalen at the house around 3:00 PM and drive to barber shop for our 3:30 PM appointments – at least a week in advance. I reminded her again on the morning of the haircuts. She called me at work at 1:00 PM and I reminded her again.
Ten minutes into the 3:00 PM Sportscenter, Mrs. Bootleg and the boy still aren't home from Jalen's school – which lets out at 2:30 PM. I called my wife – who blamed ME for stressing her out and causing her to forget the haircuts – and she informed me that they'd be home as soon as they could. Seems she took the boy with her as she shopped for a new color printer cartridge.
Knowing that Mrs. Bootleg would expect me to bring home dinner after the barbershop, I instead dropped Jalen off at home and went back to work – laying down the total silent treatment. Not even eye contact. It was one of my finer snits, I must say.
On my way back to the office, I stopped at Burger King. Seeing the poster for the Angry Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich released some of my Mrs. Bootleg rage, ironically enough. I'd previously christened BK's Angry Whopper with the coveted hyperbole of a rare 500-point rating, so I was obviously onboard with its deep-fried chicken cousin.
There are a lot of things to love about my wife. Everyone who meets her seems to like her and in all the years we've known each other, she's never once told me about any friends, co-workers or casual acquaintances who didn't get along with her.
To the untrained eye, it would appear I hit the marital lottery.
But, Mrs. Bootleg is not without flaws. At last count – and I am NOT making this up – there were 22 assorted bottles of bath, body and hair care products on the floor of our walk-in shower. Stately Bootleg Manor has 2 ½ bathrooms and when we moved in, I commandeered the one with the double-wide shower since only women and children take baths.
Mrs. Bootleg – sensing that I was enjoying something without her – proceeded to invade my shower's sovereign territory armed with nearly two dozen bottles of caustic chemicals. Before I knew it, I was stepping over 22 oz. plastic explosives filled with shampoos, conditioners and shampoos with conditioner.
There's one other thing about Mrs. Bootleg. God bless her, but she's the single most absentminded woman on earth.
After finalizing plans for our first date, then-Girlfriend Bootleg called me back moments later as she'd forgotten both the time and place where we'd planned to meet. I thought this was just precious. Years later, I came home from work to find dinner in the process of burning and Mrs. Bootleg nowhere to be found. Turns out she was upstairs on the phone with her girlfriend and shopping online. I found this to be the antithesis of precious.
Late last month, I told my wife that I was leaving work early to get haircuts for me and my son. I told her about my plans – leave work at 2:45 PM, pick up Jalen at the house around 3:00 PM and drive to barber shop for our 3:30 PM appointments – at least a week in advance. I reminded her again on the morning of the haircuts. She called me at work at 1:00 PM and I reminded her again.
Ten minutes into the 3:00 PM Sportscenter, Mrs. Bootleg and the boy still aren't home from Jalen's school – which lets out at 2:30 PM. I called my wife – who blamed ME for stressing her out and causing her to forget the haircuts – and she informed me that they'd be home as soon as they could. Seems she took the boy with her as she shopped for a new color printer cartridge.
Knowing that Mrs. Bootleg would expect me to bring home dinner after the barbershop, I instead dropped Jalen off at home and went back to work – laying down the total silent treatment. Not even eye contact. It was one of my finer snits, I must say.
On my way back to the office, I stopped at Burger King. Seeing the poster for the Angry Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich released some of my Mrs. Bootleg rage, ironically enough. I'd previously christened BK's Angry Whopper with the coveted hyperbole of a rare 500-point rating, so I was obviously onboard with its deep-fried chicken cousin.
Your pissed-off poultry ingredients include a breaded chicken filet topped with lettuce, tomato, bacon, pepper jack cheese, sliced jalapeños, "angry" fried onions and "angry" sauce. In fact, these are the exact same condiments that topped the Angry Whopper.
So, why don't they work as well on the Angry Tendercrisp?
It all comes back to the bird. I've had most of BK's Tendercrisp line of chicken sandwiches and they're always hit or miss. Sometimes, the meat is hot, flavorful and (relatively) fresh. Other times, the filet is dry, leathery and sittin' around awhile.
This was one of the "other times". The unmelted cheese just sat atop the chicken's cardboard breading, adding nothing but processed taste to its surroundings. The onions, peppers and sauce can only carry a sandwich so far. Hell, even the bacon couldn't lift the chicken to an acceptable standard.
With the right roll of the dice, your experience will probably be better than mine. I doubt I'll go in for an encore, though, as my local BK lacks the culinary consistency with their Tendercrisp sandwiches for me to drop another eight bucks on the King-Size value meal.
Grade: 2 (out of 5) Calories: 1030, Fat: 61g
This was one of the "other times". The unmelted cheese just sat atop the chicken's cardboard breading, adding nothing but processed taste to its surroundings. The onions, peppers and sauce can only carry a sandwich so far. Hell, even the bacon couldn't lift the chicken to an acceptable standard.
With the right roll of the dice, your experience will probably be better than mine. I doubt I'll go in for an encore, though, as my local BK lacks the culinary consistency with their Tendercrisp sandwiches for me to drop another eight bucks on the King-Size value meal.
Grade: 2 (out of 5) Calories: 1030, Fat: 61g
My wife sounds like she's the taller, white version of Mrs. Bootleg.
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